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The Community Foundation for Greater New Haven is seeking a qualified candidate for the position of Database Manager. The application deadline is January 17, 2024. For more information and to apply, click here.

King sized mattress (used 3 days) - donor wants to give it away in the next nine days.  It's in Hamden. Reach out to me if you want it.

Photo Credit: Abi Ismail

Most of us have heard by now that there’s a difference between our intentions and the impact of our behavior. If you break someone’s leg because you were trying to help them move a ladder, they don’t really care that you were “just trying to help.” They only care that their leg is broken!

People don’t care what your intentions are, they care about the impact of your behavior. That is, they care about the result that you’ve created in their life. However, your intentions make all the difference in the world to you. Your intentions determine the type of energy you bring to whatever it is you're doing. That impacts you psychologically and emotionally. Intentions are very similar to motives, and our motives matter enormously. 

In other words, there’s a difference between the external impact of your behavior (broken leg) and the internal impact (trying to help from a place of caring). 

Here’s an example of motives from my people-pleasing years. Until I got into recovery, I didn't understand that my people-pleasing behaviors were about trying to control and manipulate others. I was trying to control what they thought of me by manipulating them into being pleased with me. Sometimes I was trying to be helpful so things would go my way. My underlying motive was to manipulate and control outcomes and/or people’s opinions of me. I can see this with crystal clarity now, but I was completely blind to these motives back when I was doing all that.

My motives were disguised as helpfulness. I thought I was helpful because I was “nice.” I didn’t realize that my primary motive was to get people to think good things of me and/or to get my way. This knowledge has led me to one of my most important questions when trying to understand what the “right” thing to do is: What are my motives? Why am I doing this?

Here’s an illustration. I had a sponsor who said to me, “It used to be that I made you a cup of coffee because I wanted you to like me. Now I make you a cup of coffee because God wants me to be a good, kind person, and I want to live a God-centered life. Either way, you get coffee.” The impact is that the person gets coffee in both cases. But her motives, her intentions, were completely different in each case. 

If we think intentions don't matter, just impact matters we’re thinking in a shortsighted manner. That type of thinking doesn't address the internal impact on the person who’s taking the action. When I was being helpful to people to manipulate and control them,  the impact was they got helped. Now when I help people because I want to be helpful,  people still get helped. The impact may very well be the same to the person getting helped in both of those cases. But from my perspective, I’m living in line with my principles when I help with the intention of truly being helpful. I'm being honest with myself about what I'm doing and why.

When I was people-pleasing, I didn't understand why I was doing what I was doing.  I couldn’t consciously see that I was manipulative and controlling. My intentions mattered to me psychically, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually. It “fragmented” me to have unspoken and impure intentions. 

Impact absolutely matters. But it’s not just your impact on the external world that matters, the impact on your internal world matters too. Intention is the thing that determines how your behavior impacts you internally. 

Photo Credit: Andrej Lisakov

Most of us spend a lot of time wishing others would change. We feel frustrated, powerless, and stuck when they don't. But what if the real key to change lies not in them, but in us?

The way to change other people's behavior is by changing the way we behave towards them.

Let’s be honest, what we all want is for other people to change. One of the greatest gifts of 12-step recovery is that we really, deeply internalize the message that we can’t change others. We forget all the time though, that’s what the Serenity Prayer is said at the beginning and end of many 12-step meetings – because we forget.

We need the help of a Higher Power to get the wisdom to know the difference between the things we can and cannot change because it's so hard to keep this in mind. Then, once we get that wisdom, we might need the help of a Higher Power to accept the things we cannot change. Not accepting them is where the pain comes from. It's not what other people are doing that causes us pain, it's that we believe it shouldn't be happening. That’s why acceptance is so important. To be clear, acceptance doesn't mean that we like or want what happened. It means we stop fighting against it.

Here's what acceptance can look like. I want my brother to talk more quietly and to stop talking about politics. I requested both of these things many, many times and he’s literally incapable of them. I realized that this is who he is and what he’s like. So rather than trying to get him to stop, I decided to accept “This is what he’s like, so I have to change me.” I changed my attitude to “he’s going to talk really loud about politics” and decided I’d leave when that happened. Instead of staying and fighting against what is, I accepted it and left when it became uncomfortable for me.

When it comes to things we can change, we might need the help of a Higher Power to get the courage to actually make that change because change is hard. But of course, it's possible, no matter how hard it may be. 

The problem for so many of us comes when we're trying to change the things we cannot: other people, places, and things. When we focus so much on those things outside ourselves, we lose sight of changing the things we can: our behavior, thinking,  feelings, beliefs,  goals, and dreams.

We cannot change other people, but we can influence people.

When you change the dynamics of your interactions with others, things change between the two of you. You've changed your end of the interaction. 

One of the sayings I learned in recovery is that you can't have a tug of war with someone when you don't pick up the rope, or when you let go of the rope. Another similar metaphor is that when you change the steps of the dance you’re doing with your partner, they must either change their steps or exit the dance. These both represent the idea that changing your behavior influences the behavior of the other person. That’s how it works.

I’ve seen this time and time again in my own life, in the lives of my sponsees and my clients. Here’s an example from a sponsee of mine in recovery. She got a call from her dad just to see how she was doing. This had never happened before. They both said, “I love you” at the end of the call. When she told me this, she couldn’t believe this was the relationship they have now! For most of her 45 years of life,  she believed her dad was the center and cause of all of her problems. 

She told me, “My dad is not in recovery, HE hasn’t changed, but I have.” She stopped blaming him for everything, took ownership of what was hers to own, and accepted that this was the guy she got as a father, not someone else. Those actions translated into a much more peaceful and loving relationship with her father after 45 years. She’s the one who changed the steps of the dance with her father.

Here are some ways you can change the steps of your dance with others.

• Start telling the truth about what you want, need, think, and feel, and about what’s okay with you and not okay with you. 
• Ask for help from the people you always help. This lets them know that they have something to offer to you too. This could be advice, assistance with a task, or a ride somewhere.
• When someone says something about you that you disagree with, respond with, “That may be so” or “I see things differently” rather than getting defensive and saying, “That’s not true!”
• Let go of your expectations of others. Let them be who they are without trying to get them to change.
• Stand firm when you say no to someone. Just keep repeating, “That doesn’t work for me” or “I’m not going to make it” no matter how many times they try to cajole you into changing your mind. Expect that they’re going to do that, especially if they always have. Be ready for it and stand firm.
• Be really kind and supportive of yourself. When you get your own validation, you won’t need it so much from others. That will change the way you interact with them because you won’t be trying to extract love, affirmation, or assurance from them all the time.

What patterns or “dances” in your relationships have been causing tension? How might changing your own behavior shift those dynamics?

When I started changing the steps in my dances,  I often felt like I was going to die. I’d actually tell myself, “I didn’t die” afterward to reinforce for myself that I had a new experience so it would get logged into my memory banks. I now had evidence that the feeling I was going to die was inaccurate. It got easier and easier over time. I got less and less scared about doing new things.

It can be helpful when you’re changing your ways to others who literally or metaphorically hold your hand through the process. Having social support for your new behaviors can be a game-changer!

Think of one recurring conflict or dynamic in your life. Decide on one way you’ll change your behavior this week—whether it’s setting a boundary, asking for help, or simply letting go of expectations. Email me to share your experience, and let’s celebrate your growth together!

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

United Way of Greater New Haven has 2 brand new open positions we would like to fill.

Coordinated Access Network (CAN) Entry Coordinator

https://recruiting.paylocity.com/Recruiting/Jobs/Details/2899432

Database and Gift Processing Specialist

https://recruiting.paylocity.com/Recruiting/Jobs/Details/2880554

The Yale Peabody Museum is working on a five year strategic plan. Please fill out this brief survey and help us think about the values, priorities and goals that will shape the future of the museum.

https://yalesurvey.ca1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_87h0gPvMyreZTeu

Photo Credit: Susan Wilkinson

What if I told you that I spent most of my life afraid—without even realizing it? 

I was mainly afraid of being judged by other people, and perhaps rejected or abandoned. But I’ve discovered something that changed my perspective: I am flawed—and that’s awesome. I call it being flawesome.

One way I tried to avoid judgment was by acting like I could afford things that really weren’t in my budget. As a result I ended up wracking up a bunch of credit card debt. By the time my student loans came due in 1999, I was unable to handle all that debt and ended up declaring bankruptcy.

What’s interesting is that I didn’t even realize I was mired in fear.  I always felt like a powerful woman of agency. I wasn’t afraid to go out alone at night like many women. Going through the 12-steps of recovery showed me that I was riddled with fear and many of my actions and decisions were motivated by fear. Specifically, they were to avoid being judged, abandoned and rejected.

I’m not a perfectionist, but I definitely had perfectionistic tendencies. One area where that became evident as I was doing the 12 steps was while journaling. Even though I never go back to and read my journals, and no one else ever reads them I didn’t allow myself to make errors while journaling. I’d stop and make corrections to spelling, grammar, punctuation, capitalization. If I wrote “shed” instead of “she’d” I wouldn’t allow that to stand as is, I had to correct it!

I can see now that I had this idea, buried deeply in my subconscious, that I shouldn't have flaws. I’m not sure how I internalized that idea, but it became clear to me as I got farther into 12 step recovery that I believed I was supposed to have answers, know the right thing to say and not make mistakes. Of course, I’m a human being who has flaws, so I tried to hide them and keep them secret. On some level I sort of hated myself for having flaws (or at least I hated my flaws). That is, I judged myself for being flawed.

Truth be told, I was also judging all of you and the world for being flawed too! I wanted the world to be different than it was. That pertained to things like traffic, the education system, the people around me,  and other things that weren’t working the way I wanted them to. That meant I was pissed off much of time.

As a result, created a whole bunch of different facades to hide behind in an effort to avoid being judged, rejected or abandoned. Creating all those facades caused me to become fragmented. To be sure, there were other things that contributed to my fragmentation as well (e.g., being dishonest). Recovery helped me to integrate all of the fragments into a coherent whole and get rid of the fragments that weren't authentically “me.”

One pivotal shift I made in recovery was coming to understand that I care way more what other people thought of me than what I thought of myself. I was willing to wrack up debt because of what others thought of me, but ignored what that debt was doing to me. Until I couldn’t anymore when the student loans came due. 

I eventually came to care more what I think of me than what others do. This  does not mean I don’t care at all what other think. It means I’m no longer willing to put myself in harm’s way or to compromise my integrity. I want people’s approval, but I don’t need it the way I used to. This change has been at the core of my ability to build and maintain healthy boundaries: I’m way more focused on what I think of myself than what others think of me.

One concept in particular helped me enormously on my journey from fragmented to whole, which is the concept of being

FLAWESOME

Being flawesome means that we are both flawed and awesome. They’re not mutually exclusive concepts. We’re flawed in our awesomeness and we’re awesome in our flawedness. The idea that you’re either flawed or awesome but can’t be both is the epitome of black and white thinking. 

Part of what makes me a unique person is my flaws. If I didn't have these flaws, I would never have my made my way into recovery, achieved the deep and profound life changes and become a podcaster, coaching and speaker. Now I'm grateful for my flaws.

That was definitely not the case in the past! I was a very defensive person because I didn’t want people to see behind my facades. For example, if someone pointed out a flaw like when I made a mistake, I’d act like I didn't make a mistake (which is ridiculous). I’d deny or distract as a way to take attention away from the mistake.

I didn't know what I was doing that at the time, I can only see it in retrospect. Now when I make a mistake, even if it’s in public, I say, “Oops!”  which is a pretty dramatic shift. Saying “ oops” acknowledges my mistake, but it's lighthearted. It's not, “Oh my God!! I can't believe I did that!! They’re gonna think I’m an idiot!!”

So I love this word flawesome and think of it frequently, especially when coaching clients. It’s perfectly normal to be flawed. It doesn't mean that you're not awesome. It’s a great concept for people who have grandiose thinking and for people who think they're the worst pieces of shit that ever walked the planet. It moves us out of the black and white thinking into both/and thinking. 

Now when I’m journaling and make a mistake, I let it go. I sometimes also giggle at the freedom I feel from allowing myself to make a mistake on something that really doesn’t matter. I also sometimes send emails and create social media posts that aren’t capitalized or don’t have proper grammar. It feels freeing to allow myself to relax in my life and embody the fact that I am flawesome. 

So let’s stop striving for perfection. Let’s be flawesome together. I challenge you to say “Oops!” out loud to yourself the next time you make a mistake. Let me know when that happens and what it does for you. Drop me an email here.\

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

Painting, photography, video, and installation art by Sue Rollins, Maria Markham

When old friends Sue Rollins and Maria Markham’s paths crossed again earlier this year, they found a great commonality in the work they were producing. The result of that reconnection is ALTERED LANDSCAPES, a collaboration by the two artists that presents a statement about climate change and how we might all work together to save our planet. The exhibit is on view at City Gallery from December 6 - December 28, with an Opening Reception on Saturday, December 7, 4-6 p.m. and an Artists Talk on Sunday, December 15, 2-3 p.m.

“We believe that communicating through art, and remaining active and engaged, are positive steps forward,” says City Gallery member artist Sue Rollins.

Combining painting, photography, video, and installation art, the exhibit seeks to imagine a way through our current precarities. As Maria Markham explains:

“We don’t know what the future will hold but through art, we imagine one that thrives, that provides sustenance for humans and non-humans alike, and that achieves ecological balance. As artists, with our eyes wide open, we seek to excavate possibilities and divine the edge of other futures.

Rollins agrees, saying, “Collective action, belief in the power of community engagement and commitment to creating a sustainable future are our tools. By making conscious choices in our everyday lives, remaining engaged and optimistic, let us work together to imagine and create an altered landscape that is full of possibility and hope.”

Sue Rollins is a Connecticut-based painter and printmaker. Her recent work combines traditional landscape painting with abstract expressionist elements, addressing our environmental challenges with altered landscapes or windows into the past and future, creating art that is both peaceful and chaotic. Her long career as a graphic designer and love for typography and the printed word continues to inform her work in unexpected ways. She is a member of City Gallery, Silvermine Guild of Artists, and is an elected member of Art League Rhode Island and Connecticut Women Artists. Her work was chosen for the 2024 Silvermine 74th A-One show, and she was the recipient of the Samuel and May Rudin Award at the 2024 Greenwich Art Society Summer Exhibit, juried by Lauren Rosati of the Met Modern. Her work has been featured in galleries and museums in New England and Florida, including Galatea Fine Art in Boston, Five Points Gallery in Torrington, Mattatuck Museum in Waterbury, Creative Arts Workshop in New Haven and University Gallery in Gainesville, FL. She received a BFA from the University of Florida and studied with abstract expressionist Hiram Williams and printmaker Ken Kerslake.

Maria Markham works primarily in installation, sculpture, photography and video. Her work focuses on ecologies and the climate crisis, immigration, the failures of capitalism, and the socio-cultural anxieties and upheavals that mark contemporary life. Her artwork has been featured nationally and internationally in exhibits at The Invisible Dog, Brooklyn, NY, Ely Center of Contemporary Art, CT, Accent Sisters, NJ, Pollinator Gallery, PA, School of Visual Arts, NY and The Alternative Art School, along with venues in Latvia, Estonia, Ireland and England. She is a member of the Nua Collaborative. Markham’s practice is amplified by over 30 years’ work in the nonprofit sector with diverse groups and communities. She holds a B.S. from Trinity College Dublin and a Masters in Nonprofit Management from Brandeis University. Markham (b. Dublin, Ireland) lives and works in New Haven, CT. She recently completed an MFA at the School for Visual Arts in New York.

The ALTERED LANDSCAPES exhibit is free and open to the public. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m., or by appointment. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

Description   https://careers.ctnonprofits.org/job/public-policy-and-advocacy-associate/75950258/

Under the general direction and supervision of the Director of Government Relations, the Public Policy & Advocacy Associate manages one or more membership Divisions and/or Forums and helps execute The Alliance’s public policy agenda and advocacy plans on behalf of Alliance members. This position functions as an advocate, organizer, and resource to Alliance member organizations. The Public Policy & Advocacy Associate is responsible for working with members to monitor and affect necessary legislative and regulatory change, as well as develop strong relationships to advance policy priorities. This position allows for hybrid work, except during the legislative session when in-person work is required at the state capitol. The Alliance is committed to creating a diverse, inclusive and equitable employment experience for all. 

Photo Credit: Elina Fairytale

If Thanksgiving didn't go the way that you wanted it to this year because you ended up doing things you didn't really want to do. Perhaps you…

• stayed places you didn't really want to stay or stayed longer than you really wanted to
• spent time with people  you didn't want to in the first place 
• ate things you didn't want to eat 
• had conversations you didn't want to have
• hugged and kissed people you really didn't want to hug and kiss 

The rest of the holiday season doesn't have to go that way. In fact, your life doesn’t have to go that way.

You can learn how to set limits with yourself and others, it doesn’t matter how old you are or how long-standing your relationships are!

You can have healthy, balanced relationships where you're not doing things you don’t want to or taking on too much, you're not allowing others to walk all over you, and you're not riddled with guilt and shame at the idea of hurting other people's feelings.

This is possible (I am living proof !). 

Before I learned how to build healthy boundaries, I didn't realize that I did not have to put up with the onslaught of chaos and drama from those around me. It just wasn’t an option for me to not put up with that stuff.

I eventually learned that *I* get to determine how I spend my time, who I spend it with, and how much time I spend with them. 

I’m now able to enjoy my holidays in a way that feels peaceful and easy to me. I have joy instead of dread, chaos, and drama. One of the things that was most difficult for me to learn was exactly what to say when setting boundaries. You’re in luck! Below are some of the things I’ve learned to say when setting boundaries.

Here are 23 Boundary Scripts to Take Back Your Life.

The thing is, knowing just what to say is only the starting point. You have to believe you deserve to set boundaries, you have to be grounded in what matters to you and stop focusing on what other people are feeling. Instead, focus internally on what you’re feeling, thinking, and doing.

That can be extremely difficult after decades of behaving in the opposite way. But it’s possible to change, especially when you get coached by an expert who has done all this herself and coached scores of others who have had amazing transformations!

If you’re DONE with your old ways, this is the PERFECT TIME to take advantage of my private coaching program because I’m offering over 25% off for my Black Friday special through Cyber Monday 12/2. You have to sign up for a free 30-minute Better Boundaries call with me by Monday to take advantage of this special. I’ve added extra call slots to my calendar, so don’t wait. Sign up for your call here.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

Photo Credit: Adobe Stock

If you’re dreading the holidays because you end up doing things you’re not really interested in doing, or going places you don’t really want go, or exchanging gifts when you don’t feel like it – I’ve got some good news for you!

You get to have the kind of holidays YOU want to have!

It’s OK to ask for what you really want and need during the Holidays. This could mean the type of gift that you want, the amount of time that you want to spend with someone, the amount of alone time or lounging time you have with your family, or certain destinations that you’d like to go to.

It’s also okay if people get mad at you for setting boundaries during the Holidays. It’s not the end of the world to have someone upset with you – it shows that they heard you! You deserve to enjoy the Holidays just like everyone else does!

The sooner you set boundaries with your friends and family, the sooner you’ll be able to actually enjoy the holiday season!

• it’s OK to not go home for the Holidays
• it’s OK to change holiday traditions
• you don’t have to spend the Holidays with people that you don’t like 
• you don’t have to exchange gifts if you want to 
• you don’t have to host a holiday event this year, or ever (even if you’ve always been the one to do it)
• you don’t have to live up to other people’s expectations for the Holidays
• it’s OK to refuse affection from family during the Holidays
• it’s OK to stay at a hotel instead of at your family’s home during the Holidays 
• and you don’t have to talk about subjects that are private or that make you uncomfortable over the Holidays

Below are a few suggested scripts for some of the above boundaries you might want to set.

You don’t have to explain yourself if you’ve changed your holiday traditions. In fact, it’s never your job to convince anyone to understand your boundaries. Choosing to no longer over-explain and justify a boundary is a boundary in itself.

If you want to change holiday traditions, you might say something like, “I’m not going to _ this year.  I’d like to try something new. it doesn’t mean I don’t value our old traditions, it means I want to create some new traditions.”

It’s OK to not go home for the Holidays. You might say, “I’m not gonna make it this year mom. I know you’re disappointed, I am too, but it’s just not possible this year.”

You don’t have to exchange holiday gifts if you don’t want to. You could say, “I’m no longer exchanging gifts with friends, just family. What I’d really like is to spend some time with you.”

You don’t have to talk about subjects that are private or that make you uncomfortable. You might say something like, “I don’t discuss that with other people” or “I’m uncomfortable with this conversation, let’s change the subject.”

If you know you want to set one or more of these boundaries for the holidays, I recommend you do it today! It’s respectful of the others with whom you’re changing plans, and it gives you peace of mind that it’s over with (and that you’re not going to do things you don’t want to do!).

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

The Yale Teaching Fellowship, a partnership between Yale, Southern Connecticut State University, New Haven Public Schools, and New Haven Promise, will train high-quality teachers from diverse backgrounds and promote long-term retention for New Haven Public Schools.

The Yale Teaching Fellowship supports graduate study for current and aspiring educators. After completion of the Fellowship, participants will work in New Haven Public Schools for at least three years, helping to address teacher shortage areas in the district. Over four years, beginning in May 2025, the program will place more than 100 teachers with Master’s degrees in the city’s schools. The Fellowship has three tracks, two of which are dedicated to current NHPS employees, two of which include a living stipend, and all of which include full tuition and fees.

Applications for the inaugural cohort are open now and will close January 1st. Please help spread the word! More information can be found at www.newhavenpromise.org, and any/all questions can be directed to christine.gentry@yale.edu. Thank you!

Photo Credit: Allan Mas

“Just because you think something doesn't mean it’s true.”

This was a revelation to me when I got into recovery. Not only was that notion surprising, but the fact that I’d been doing some kind of personal development work for over 30 years and this had never occurred to me was shocking.

I’ve since learned that I can change my beliefs by changing my thoughts. That’s because beliefs are just thoughts we’ve been thinking for so long that we come to accept them as THE TRUTH.  This has reminded me of something I shared on a podcast episode 3.5 years ago about turning obstacles into detours.

Obstacles vs. Detours

That is, I changed my mind about what obstacles are. I used to think of them as blocking me from achieving what I wanted. I now know that they’re actually detours, put into my way by the universe as a signal to take another route. 

When seeming obstacles have appeared in my life, I can look back and see that they were actually rerouting me in a different direction. Things that felt like absolute disasters in my life turned into blessings or they led me to something fantastic.

When you come to a roadblock where there's a detour sign, it's because there's something ahead that you or someone else might be hurt by, or there will be an extreme delay if you go that way. The detour is meant to take you on a different path. You can still get to your destination, just by a different path and likely on a different timetable than originally planned. My experience is that this is also true with things that appear to be obstacles in our lives.

A personal example of a seeming obstacle that was really a detour.

I was introduced to a guy named Jerry with the intention of casually dating. Neither one of us had any intention of becoming serious. Yet we unexpectedly fell in love. Very soon we started talking about spending the rest of our lives together. A few months later, seemingly out of the blue, he dumped me.

Up until that point, it was the worst thing I had ever experienced. I was a f-ing mess! I felt loved by him in a way I never had before, so I was absolutely devasted. A few months later he came back, apologized, told me he’d had to do some soul searching and we reunited. Soon after, he asked me to marry him I said yes! Five months later he dumped me again.

As you can imagine, I was devastated again. I’d had my heart broken before, but not like this. And never twice by the same person. This felt like an enormous obstacle to the future life I had envisioned. I thought I’d never be able to live without him, I’d never get over him and I’d never meet someone I loved so dearly and who loved me so dearly.

Yet here I am, 20+ years later, and I’m completely indifferent to him. And I’m a healthy person in mind, body, and spirit and in a healthy romantic relationship with “my person.” A few years after Jerry dumped me, I got to the point where I became just as grateful that he had dumped me as I had been that he had come into my life. There was so much about that relationship that was extremely unhealthy.

For one thing, we drank booze and smoked weed very heavily together. I was extremely heavy at the time, and he really loved heavy women. He constantly gave me goodies like Boston cream doughnuts because he wanted me to be even fatter (which honestly blew my mind – I’d never heard of “chubby chasers” before I met him!).

Where that detour led.

Had I stayed in that relationship, there’s no telling if I’d still be alive. I certainly wouldn't be living happy, joyous, and free the way I am now, with a sweetheart who’s clean, sober, and thoughtful. I have an intimate, healthy relationship now which I couldn’t even have fathomed back then.

That breakup appeared to be an obstacle on the path to my “happily ever after” when in fact it was a detour. As a result of the deep pain of that relationship, I decided I was not going to wait for the universe to reveal the reason for that experience. I decided *I* was going to make meaning out of it. I took a deep look at myself and I realized two aspects of my life were an absolute mess: my finances and my health.

I then proceeded to take a five-year period of time to overhaul my finances. I changed over 25 habits and behaviors around my finances and started reading about finances daily so they’d always be at the forefront of my mind. I later took about a five-year period of time to overhaul my health and lost 50 pounds. This was well before I got into 12-step recovery, so even though I worked on all this stuff back then, it wasn’t enough. However, those two periods of working on my finances and health paved the way for where I am today. 

How to transform an obstacle into a detour.

The way to transform a seeming obstacle into a detour is to make a decision to do so. It’s really that easy. There’s no need to wait for the perspective of time to realize, “This isn’t an obstacle, it’s a detour!”

Here’s another example. I was laid off after 19 years at Yale. Many would think of that as a disaster. In fact, that’s what I thought at first. Yet I would never have started my own business if that hadn’t happened. I've helped thousands of people on their healing, growth, and recovery journeys through my professional speaking, podcast, writing, and coaching. None of that could have happened unless I hit that “obstacle” of being laid off. 

The universe is for you, not against you. Or, as David Bayer says, “Believe in the certainty of the goodness of the future.” When we remember that things that appear to be obstacles are actually detours, it eases our tension, anxiety, and worry. There’s no need to wait for the future to show you, “That was a good thing that happened.” 

The universe knows better than you do. All you have to do is change your mind about what things mean: this is a detour, not an obstacle. When you start playing with that idea, you can start to imagine “What fantastic places might this detour be leading me to?” instead of “What disasters are coming my way because of this obstacle?” Dream about good things that could be coming your way and stop catastrophizing.

When you do that, you’re approaching life from a powerful state of being and living on purpose. When you see things as obstacles, you’re approaching life from a primal state and living reactively. All it takes is one little decision to make that shift.

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Your Intentions should matter to YOU because they impact your integrity. But they DON’T matter to others if the impact of your behavior on them is negative.

Why your intentions matter to you. 

Let’s say you’re doing something because you want someone to like you versus doing the same exact thing because you want to be kind and good. The impact on your integrity will differ based on your intent.

Running errands for someone just to make them like you chips away at your integrity. Why? Because you're trying to manipulate their opinion of you. Yeah, I know – it sucks to learn that, doesn’t it?! I felt the same way when that was pointed out to me. Keep in mind, this is info, not ammo (i.e., information to grow from, not ammunition to beat yourself up).

When you run errands for someone so they’ll like you, your intention is to get them to think a certain thing about you. Your intention is not to be good and kind. You may TELL yourself you’re just trying to be nice (which is what I used to tell myself and others) but that’s not what’s going on. I was trying to manipulate their opinion of me. I wasn’t aware of that until I got into recovery, but that’s what had been going on for decades.

If you run errands for someone and your intention is to be good and kind, that maintains or possibly even increases your integrity. That’s because you’re living your life according to spiritual principles like goodness and kindness. It’s also because you’re being honest with yourself and others about your motives.

In recovery, we learn to apply spiritual principles like honesty and kindness to everything we do. It’s about living with integrity, even when no one is watching.

Why your intentions don't matter to others.

Others don't care if you were “just trying to help” if what you did impacted them negatively. For example, if you’re white and you ask a dark-skinned person, “What are you?” they don't give a shit what your intention was. The effect is that it made them feel alienated and unwelcome. 

The implication is they're not from here or are something foreign because they’re not white. Your intention might be to get to know them but the impact is that you've alienated them. You’ve made them feel like they don't belong. That is so much more important to them than your intentions. They’re feeling alienated and unwelcome, so they don't really give a shit about your intentions.

This is really important to understand. Many people, especially those of us who are codependent, say things like, “I was only trying to help” to excuse bad behavior. As a recovered codependent, I can look back at my behavior and see that what I meant by that was, “You should give me a pass no matter what the impact is because my intentions were pure.” And thus the often repeated saying, “The road to hell was paved with good intentions.”

What was really going on was that I was often trying to be helpful so I could control the situation.  I wanted things to come out the way I wanted them to. In most cases, I wanted people to like me or think I was kind, so I said my intention was pure (to be nice or helpful). In fact, my intention was to manipulate people into liking me. I was blind to all this back then, mind you, which is why I’m sharing this now – so perhaps you’ll see your motives through stories of my former behavior.

Other people don't care about your intentions, but you should care about your intentions. Others can't see your intentions, they can only see your behavior. Even if you tell them about you, what they see is your behavior.

How to get clear about your intentions.

• Run your plan by a trusted person before you go through with that behavior. Tell them what you intend to do and ask if that sounds like a good idea to them. 
• Get the consent of others when you want to offer help. Make sure they actually want your help and agree to it before giving it. Give them the autonomy to choose whether or not to accept your help, which is respectful of them. 
• Wait to be asked for help. Don’t act like you know what’s best for others. 
• Try to think from the other person's perspective. Do your best to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Imagine how they might receive the thing you want to say or do. 

Doing these things will either maintain or improve your integrity. That’s because you’re being clear that your intention is to help in ways they want to be helped, not to help others no matter what they want. Being respectful of others is high-integrity behavior.

When it comes to your intentions, you may have to do some real soul-searching. I figured out that I was doing things to get people to think I was nice rather than doing them because I was nice. In other words, I was more focused on the perception that I was nice than actually being nice. Yikes!

I came to see this when someone in recovery asked me, “Why are you helping? Is it to be helpful or to get them to like you?” My initial response was that I was not doing it to get people to like me. But once that question percolated in my mind, I started asking myself what my motives were. That’s turned into one of the most important questions I ask myself when I'm trying to decide what the right thing to do is. 

Another question that I often pair with “What are my motives?” is “Does this serve my highest good?” These questions keep me in alignment with my integrity. Your integrity matters. Integrity is another word for wholeness. And who doesn’t want to be whole?

Your intentions may not matter to others, but they deeply affect your integrity. Take the time to reflect on your motives, and you’ll build a life rooted in honesty and self-respect.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

Each year, the Leadership Greater New Haven class, run by the Greater New Haven Chamber, assists nonprofit organizations and small for-profit businesses that have a specific strategic challenge.  

• LGNH is inviting organizations to submit a project for consideration. These projects can be based in the following areas: Marketing, HR, Finance, IT, or can be business plan development related OR solve other organizational challenges. These projects should not be event planning related.  
• Five (5) organizations will be selected to present their project to the leadership class on Wednesday, November 13th, 2024.  
• Each organization will have 15 minutes to present their issue directly to the class. The class will decide which projects it will undertake. Class teams of 4-5 business professionals will work with the selected organizations, on their projects, from November 2024 to February 2025.

***RESPONSES MUST BE SUBMITTED BY FRIDAY, OCTOBER 25TH, 2024***

Fill out the form here.

Do you work or volunteer at a nonprofit in the Greater New Haven area? Of course you do! Please join us at our second Nonprofit Social Hour this Tuesday October 29.

Join us again or an unforgettable evening of camaraderie, collaboration, and celebration! This event aims to bring together the nonprofit community in the Greater New Haven region in a laid back space to celebrate our work and unwind.

There will be light refreshments provided. As part of the Center for Community Collaboration's commitment to amplify the voices of emerging organizations in the Greater New Haven area, we're curating a vibrant space for feedback, connection, and collective brainstorming. Dive deep into meaningful conversations, sway to live tunes, and raise a glass to a more connected community. Whether you're looking to share insights or simply mingle with like-minded community champions, this night promises community-building with a twist of fun!

https://newhavenvision2034.com/events