Life is full of decisions, big and small, and figuring out what’s truly right for us can feel overwhelming. Over the years, I’ve discovered two powerful questions that guide me toward a spiritually centered and fulfilling life: “What are my motives?” and “Does this serve my highest good?” These questions have become my compass, helping me discern healthy choices from ones driven by old patterns.
Unpacking Motives: Why Are You Really Doing This?
Here’s how I came up with this question. When I realized I was codependent, I discovered there’s a helpfulness continuum: one end is unhealthy, e.g., rescuing, enabling, manipulating, fixing, and obligatory behaviors; the other is healthy behaviors, e.g., kindness, helpfulness, interdependence, and behavior by choice.
I could recognize the difference between healthy and unhealthy behaviors, but I struggled to see where the line was drawn. (e.g., where/how does being helpful turn into rescuing?).
A woman in recovery said, “It has to do with your motives Barb. Why are you helping the person, is it so they'll like you or because you truly want to be helpful?” At that time I was in denial about many of my behaviors, so I believed I was doing those things just to be helpful.
As time went on and that question percolated in my mind, I realized I really was doing it so they’d like me. That was when the question of my motives became really helpful to me. So I ask myself.
Why am I doing this? Is it so people will think certain things of me? Or because of who I’m trying to be in the world?
If it’s the former, it’s not a healthy behavior for me. If it’s the latter, it is.
I often had motives that I didn't even realize I had! I can now see that others would approve of me and think I was kind, nice, helpful, generous, and knowledgeable. That’s because I wanted a sense of belonging. I thought I had to be those things so people wouldn't reject me and they’d accept me. I was more invested in being seen as generous, kind, or helpful than I was in actually being those things. Of course, this was all subconscious.
Now when I’m not sure what the right or healthy thing is for me to do, I ask myself what my motives are. If my motives are pure then I go ahead as planned. If I can detect that I have any kind of manipulative motives, then I change my path.
Have you ever paused to ask yourself why you’re doing something? Are you driven by a need for approval, or is it a true expression of who you want to be?
Choosing What Serves Your Highest Good
The second question I ask myself is whether this action will serve my highest good. That is, am I living up to what’s important to me? Will it bring me in alignment with my Higher Power? Will it benefit me in the long term rather than just that moment?
Personally, I look at my values to determine how to make such decisions. If it’s unclear to me at the moment what would bring me in alignment with my values, I ask, “What would God have me be or do?”
I've gotten better and better at understanding what God would have me do, and that is what serves my highest good. My life is infinitely better now that I turn my will and my life over to the care of God very regularly I didn't know what was best for me before.
Is It Me or My Higher Power Talking?
When I tell people this, they often ask, “Barb, how do you know what your Higher Power’s will is and what’s your mind telling you what to do?”
Here’s what I’ve discerned about messages from my HP, they’re:
- A flash of insight like an image or a word
- A feeling of being physically pulled or pushed in a certain direction
- It’s quiet, not typically loud, often like a whisper
- It’s calm, not frantic
- It will quietly persist
When messages are from my reactive self, they’re typically:
- Repetitive and insistent, like there’s an emergency
- They activate my nervous system
- It feels like a compulsion, rather than an invitation
Think of a time when you felt pulled in a calm, quiet direction. Could that have been your Higher Power guiding you?
Sample scenarios to help you.
- For "What are my motives?" think about this: if you’re volunteering for a project, ask yourself: Is it because I genuinely care about the cause, or am I hoping others will notice me?
- For "Does this serve my highest good? Imagine you’re deciding whether to accept a new job. Does it align with your values and long-term goals, or are you drawn to it for immediate gratification?
These questions—"What are my motives?” and “Does this serve my highest good?”—are simple but profound tools for aligning with your true self and spiritual path. Start asking them today, and see how they transform your choices and, ultimately, your life. Remember, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Your Higher Power is always there.
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