Have you ever been in a situation where you were convinced that other people were the problem, and then you found out, “Oh, wait -  it's me? I’m the problem!” That may sound disheartening, but in fact it’s empowering. It's empowering because, if you're the problem, then you can be the solution. If other people really are the problem, then you are screwed because you can’t change them.

This is exactly what happened for me in the romantic relationship department of my life. When I got into 12-step recovery, the one area of my life that I knew was not working was in the area of romance. I thought my pattern was attracting emotionally unavailable partners. And that was true, but I think the real issue was my codependence. 

My Big Reveal.

What I came to realize first was that it wasn't just emotionally unavailable men being attracted to me. I was also attracted to them. That part was completely outside my awareness. Then, the Big Reveal for me was that the reason I was attracting and attracted to emotionally unavailable men was that *I* was emotionally available. In retrospect, that makes sense: what emotionally available man is going to be attracted to an emotionally unavailable woman?

One thing I did realize before recovery was that I was the common denominator in all those relationships. But that’s as far as my understanding went. I didn’t really know what that meant or what to do about it. I still pretty much believed it was them – they were somehow at fault. What I can see now is that I felt like I was a victim of their emotional unavailability, as if I had no part in any of the attractions.

If you’ve been in a series of relationships with emotionally unavailable partners, you might be like me. That is, you might be emotionally unavailable. And if that’s true, and you’ve been putting your efforts into your partners to try to get them to become emotionally available, I’ve got news for you: It’s never going to work!

Until you become emotionally available yourself, you’ll never attract an emotionally available partner. Period.

How To Become Emotionally Available to Yourself.

It starts with self-honesty. You've got to be honest with yourself about what’s okay and not okay with you. And what you’re feeling when you agree to things you don’t really want to do. Stop acting like you like things you don't. Be real with yourself.

That means that you're going to have to start being vulnerable with yourself by learning how to feel your feelings. That is a monumental task that most of us in recovery have to work on continuously. It takes time. But that time is going to go by anyway, so you might as well start now.

Teaching clients how to feel their feelings is a huge part of what I do in my coaching practice. That’s because feelings are what stop people from setting boundaries or following through on their boundaries. Whether you get coaching or therapy from me or someone else, find a way to learn how to feel your feelings.

Next, you've got to start showing up for yourself and following through for yourself in ways you never have before. Among other things, that means learning how to build boundaries. As you build boundaries,  that means you're going to go through the process of learning what you like and don’t like and what your limits are. Then, you’ll act on that. Part of the process of building boundaries means learning to feel your feelings and following through on what you learn from your feelings. I’ll say more about that in a moment. 

As you do all this, you'll become emotionally available to yourself (i.e., become vulnerable with yourself). It’s only once you've done that that you can truly be vulnerable with other people and share your feelings with them. That’s what it means to become emotionally available to them. But you can't do that until you've become emotionally available to yourself first.

Why We’re Emotionally Unavailable.

The reason that so many of us are emotionally unavailable to ourselves and others is because we don't know how to feel our feelings. We're afraid of getting hurt. The reality is you might get hurt. But it's not going to destroy you.

If you’ve been in relationship after relationship where you’ve been emotionally unavailable, you're already hurting yourself. That pain is never going to end until you change something. Nothing changes if nothing changes. 

If you truly want to be in a healthy relationship, it starts with you.  I know this on an experiential level. I am now in the first and only healthy romantic relationship of my life. I couldn't possibly have gotten into this relationship if I weren't aware of what's okay with me and what's not okay with me, and if I didn't understand what I was feeling  nd have the ability to articulate that to my partner.

An Example of How Feelings Help Us in Relationships.

Here's an example of how my feelings have helped me in my relationship. When I feel resentment, I now know it's an indicator that something is too much for me. I've gone past my limit. I used to believe that my resentment was an indication that someone else did something to me. I felt justified in complaining about them and being upset with them. I now understand that the resentment is an indicator for me that it's time for me to set a boundary or strengthen a boundary.

When you shift your focus from trying to change others to becoming emotionally available to yourself, everything changes. You stop chasing unavailable partners, stop feeling like a victim, and start building the kind of life and relationships you truly want. It’s not always easy, but the work is worth it.

If you find yourself in a pattern of emotionally unavailable relationships, take that as an invitation to look inward. Start by being honest with yourself, feeling your feelings, and setting boundaries that honor your needs. The more you show up for yourself, the more you’ll attract people who do the same.

I know this because I’ve lived it. And if I can break the cycle, so can you. The best relationships start with the one you have with yourself—so why not begin today?

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

The Great Give is less than 5 weeks away! Will you be included? 

The Great Give is an annual 36-hour, community-wide fundraising event that matches charitable organizations serving Greater New Haven with donors in a fun and engaging way. This year's event takes place on May 7-8.
Register your nonprofit by April 16th to be part of our Donor Advisors’ early giving.

Sponsored by The Community Foundation for Greater New Haven, its partner in philanthropy, the Valley Community Foundation and other businesses, there is more than $226,000 in matching funds and prizes up-for-grabs. Let The Great Give and its prize incentives help you raise money.

Register now for The Great Give! 
Deadline to register is April 25, 2025 at 11:59 p.m.

First time participating? We can help! 

The Great Give First Timers Workshop

The need for more inclusive workplaces for all is undeniable — 91% of workers have experienced discrimination related to race, gender, disability, age, or body size, and 94% of workers care about feeling a sense of belonging at work. But anti-DEI rhetoric and backlash has sunk support for diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) to a low of only 52% of American workers...

Featuring Work by Photographer Phyllis Crowley
 
Photographer Phyllis Crowley asks CAN YOU FREE A MIND? in this new exhibit at City Gallery. Her latest collection of work will be on view from April 4 - April 27, with a Reception and Artist Talk on Sunday, April 6, 2 p.m. - 4 p.m. The artist will also be in the Gallery on Sunday, April 27 to meet with visitors and answer questions.
 
During her husband’s recent health crisis, Crowley, a well-known New Haven photographer, says she had neither the physical space nor the mental state to photograph as usual. Instead, she followed her visual instincts and shot what was around her, wherever she was, with her iPhone.
 
The result and the “story” is a visual essay, told through black and white images, with very high contrast and a lot of black. The connections are visual and emotional, the subject matter jumps around, and the images go from representational to abstract and even surreal. “The cell phone enabled quick, spontaneous responses to any moment; that would not have happened with a regular single-lens reflex camera,” she says. By combining images and grouping them, Crowley moves the viewer beyond focusing on a single subject, and encourages them to form their own concepts of experience and memory.
 
“The disconnects, the upside down and sideways, the range from particular to enigmatic, the references to hiding and disruption, are simply one reflection of the chaotic, irrational and unpredictable world in which we now find ourselves,” she says.
 
A photographer from a very young age, Crowley has more than 40 years of professional and fine art experience. She taught photography at Norwalk Community College and the University of Bridgeport, and now teaches at Creative Arts Workshop in New Haven. She has exhibited across the country and has twice been awarded an Artist Fellowship from the Connecticut Commission on the Arts.
 
CAN YOU FREE A MIND? is free and open to the public. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m., or by appointment. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

For years, I didn’t realize how brutally I spoke to myself in my own mind until I read a book that held up a mirror to my inner dialogue.

It was When Food Is Love by Geneen Roth. She wrote out the exact phrases her clients used to berate themselves… and my stomach dropped. I say those things to myself.

I was horrified to discover this undercurrent of self-loathing I’d never consciously acknowledged. How could I, someone who never overtly hated myself, be so cruel in the privacy of my own thoughts?

Here’s the truth I learned the hard way: You cannot beat yourself into becoming better.

The Broken Logic of Self-Punishment

We tell ourselves we're being "motivated" by this harshness. The twisted logic goes something like this: If I'm cruel enough to myself, if I punish myself sufficiently for my mistakes and shortcomings, eventually I'll become better.

But here's the truth I learned through painful experience: Self-flagellation doesn't work. Ever.

Take a moment to honestly ask yourself:

• In all your years of beating yourself up, has it ever actually produced lasting positive change?
• Have you ever witnessed someone being bullied or abused into becoming their best self?
• When has shame ever been the catalyst for genuine transformation?

The answer is simple: Never. Even worse, this creates confirmation bias. If you believe you’re a failure, you’ll:

1. Seek evidence, ignoring anything that contradicts it..
2. Twist neutral events into "proof".
3. Live smaller to avoid disproving the story.

The Antidote: Scaffolding Your Way Up

Changing this pattern isn’t about flipping a switch from I hate myself to I’m radiantly confident. It’s a gradual climb like building scaffolding to reach a higher floor. Here’s how:

Step 1: Identify the Poison

Write down your most frequent self-attacks. For me, it was “You’re too much”. For you, it might be “You’re not enough”, “I'll never recover from this” or “I always mess things up”

Step 2: Stop the Bleeding

Ask:

• Would I let someone talk to my best friend this way?
• Would I tolerate it if directed at me?

(Spoiler: You’d probably throw hands.)

This creates cognitive dissonance - the uncomfortable gap between what we believe and what we know to be true. That discomfort is actually progress.

Step 3: Replace the Narrative

Think of your mind as a poisoned well. Stopping the toxins is the first step, but to heal faster, you need medicine: affirmations.

You don’t have to believe them yet. This is where scaffolding comes in:

• Start neutral (I have a body instead of I hate my body).
• Later, shift to positive (I appreciate my body).
• Eventually, aim for loving (I love my body).

I used this method to replace I’m too much with I am just the right amount of everything. At first, it felt like a lie. Now? It’s my truth.

Your Toolkit

• Podcast Episodes to Help:
  • #25: Act As If 
  • #5: Affirming Ourselves.
  • Bonus Episode: Affirmations for Addicts (a no-music, straight-to-the-good-stuff guide).
• Daily Practice: Repeat your scaffolded phrases like vitamins—consistency trumps intensity.

The Bottom Line

You were created in love, for love. Beating yourself up isn’t motivation; it’s self-sabotage in disguise.

Start small. Stop the poison. Build your scaffolding.

And if you know someone who needs this? Send it to them. We all deserve wells filled with clean water.

You are beloved.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

Are you spiritually fit? Or are things just going your way?

We've all had those weeks where everything seems to go wrong. But how we handle those moments reveals a lot about our inner strength. Are you spiritually fit? Or are things just going your way?

That question stopped me in my tracks. It came at the end of a week that tested my patience, resilience, and ultimately, my understanding of what it truly means to be “spiritually fit.” Quite a number of things didn't go my way that week. It showed me that I am much more spiritually fit than I used to be. In other words, I've learned to live life on life’s terms. This is a common saying in 12-step recovery. 

I first heard that phrase about 20 years ago from a guy in recovery. He’d say, “I've learned to live life on life's terms, not my terms.” I really didn't understand conceptually what that meant. Of course, I know what the definitions of those words mean, but I really didn't get it. And now I do. 

To truly understand this concept, let me walk you through a week that tested me. My sweetheart and I were going to the movies and decided to meet at the theater rather than go together. It turns out we went to different theaters! I texted him to say I was in the lobby and then I saw that he’d just texted me that he was at the other theater and on his way to me.

I called him immediately and he didn't answer so I texted him to say I’d stay there and until I heard from him. A while later he called and said, “I’m at the end of my rope, I'm gonna go home.”

When I got to his house, his car was there already which was weird because I was in town he was out of town. It turned out he’d taken his motorcycle (which explains why he didn't answer the phone when I called).

When he got home, he had a frown on his face. This is quite notable given that he’d just gotten off his motorcycle - nothing makes him smile like being on two wheels. I said, “Wow! You look really sad.” He said, “I'm done in. I am just done”

After he took off his motorcycle boots I asked if we could hug. He said, “I'm not there yet” and I said, “Okay, do you need me to go occupy myself for a little while?” and he said yes.

I went in the bedroom and read for awhile. Eventually, he came in and he said he was slowed down now. If this had been the past, I would have been super upset about the mixup and about him not wanting a hug and needing some alone time to slow down and refuel. 

I didn’t take these things personally, or make them mean anything about me or the status of our relationship. He has a chronic illness so he has limited energy, so it was clear that he was just done in by all of the stimuli.

Before recovery, I would have turned all those things into a huge fight that would have had lasting effects for weeks, if not years. The next morning I told him that it was miracle that I didn’t even get phased by the whole movie thing and that he needed alone time. I wanted to share with him how amazing that was given my life history of wanting live life on Barb’s terms.

As I was getting ready to leave, I couldn’t find my car keys, which is highly unusual for me. It turned out that they were in my car – they’d fallen out of purse onto the seat. At the time, my spare key was with a friend on my side of town so I was going to call her. Instead, he proposed that I take his car since he has motorcycles to get around with. 

Later that day I was scheduled to do an online presentation at noon and I was supposed to sign on at 11:45. At 11:40 I knocked my computer on the floor and that fall bent the so I couldn’t plug it in. The battery was drastically low, so I went to the  IT guy at the coworking place and borrowed a laptop just in time.

I use my computer to run my business, so I needed a cord right away. I drove to Best Buy in North Haven to get one. While I was there, I remember that I needed a new journal so I went next door to Target. Then I remembered some other things I needed, so I went in, but then promptly forget what else I wanted to get!

I prayed for guidance and as I did that I turned around in the middle of the stationary aisle and kicked a little ball. Mind you, I was in the stationary aisle, not the ball aisle. It made me remember, “Oh that's right, I need a ball to do my physical therapy.”

Then, I found the exact kind of water bottle I’d been looking for. I have a whole list of specifications for my water bottles and I hardly ever find ones that have them all, but this one does!

I wouldn’t have gotten ANY of these things had I not gone to Target. And I wouldn't have gone to Target if I hadn’t knocked the computer off the table and then gone to Best Buy.

These kinds of things - locking my key in the car, breaking my computer cord (for the third time) are the kind of things that would have taken me down in the past. I would have been so angry and upset. Now I realize THIS is the kind of thing people are talking about in recovery when they say, “We accept life on life’s terms.” 

Now, I deeply understand what it means to live life on life’s terms. It means sometimes you

• go to the wrong movie theater 
• have miscommunication
• lock your keys in the car 
• break the cord on your computer 

Sometimes a whole bunch of that stuff happens in a row. That's just life. These are the kinds of things that happen sometimes -  to everybody. I no longer allow those kinds of things to take my serenity away, otherwise I’ll have a very dissatisfying life. 

Before recovery, I didn't know it was an option to be serene when these kinds of things happened. What I saw growing up was that you got pissed off about things like that. In other words, I learned to live as if I were a victim of life – that life was happening at me or to me. I now understand these are just things that are happening. They're not happening TO me, they're just happening.

It's just part of life, negative things happen to everybody. There's nothing so special about me that nothing negative will ever happen to me. It's how I handle those things that matter. That's another saying I heard so many times before recovery that I didn’t quite understand: “It's not what happens to you, it's how you handle it that determines the quality of your life.”

I understood that theoretically, I just didn't REALLY get it.

What it looks like to live life on life’s terms means understanding that things happen to everyone. Sometimes, a whole bunch of good stuff happens in a row, sometimes a whole bunch of bad stuff happens in a row. Rest assured, good things and bad things will happen. When you fight against that, you’re trying to live life on your terms, not on life’s terms.

There’s a difference between surrendering and being resigned to things. When you surrender to what’s happening, you make peace with it. You stop taking it personally and step out of victim mentality. When you simply resign yourself, you take on an attitude like, “Life sucks and then you die.” There’s no peace in that. And it’s dripping with victim mentality, which is no way to get to peace and serenity.

If you want to have a life of emotional well-bring, learning how to accept what’s happening and surrender to it will change everything. Being resigned will only perpetuate and magnify your difficulties.

Here are some examples of things you can do to get you to acceptance of life on life’s terms.

•   Practice gratitude for the small things, especially during difficult times.
•   Focus on what you can control, not what you can't.
•   Develop self-compassion and forgive yourself for mistakes.
•   Practice mindfulness to observe your emotions without judgement.

So, the next time life throws you a curveball, remember that it's not happening to you, it's simply happening. Embrace the unexpected, find your serenity, and live life on life's terms. You might be surprised at the peace you find. This week, I challenge you to observe how you react when things don't go your way. Actively look for moments of serenity amidst the chaos. Choose peace and serenity and you will find it.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

Last year was the hottest year on record, and now a recent NASA-led analysis shows that 2024 also marked an unexpected increase in sea level rise. While scientists had expected the rate of sea level rise for 2024 to be 0.17 inches per year, the true measure reached 0.23 inches per year.

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/sea-levels-rose-more-than-expected-in-2024-according-to-a-nasa-analysis-180986256/

After a recent change by the Trump administration, the federal government no longer explicitly prohibits contractors from having segregated restaurants, waiting rooms and drinking fountains.

The segregation clause is one of several identified in a public memo issued by the General Services Administration last month, affecting all civil federal agencies. The memo explains that it is making changes prompted by President Trump's executive order on diversity, equity and inclusion, which repealed an executive order signed by President Lyndon B. Johnson in 1965 regarding federal contractors and nondiscrimination. The memo also addresses Trump's executive order on gender identity...

https://www.npr.org/sections/shots-health-news/2025/03/18/nx-s1-5326118/segregation-federal-contracts-far-regulation-trump

The Community Foundation for Greater New Haven invites you to a special listening series with our new President and CEO Karen DuBois-Walton.

This is an opportunity to share your voice, ideas and hopes for the future of our region!

Why attend?

Help shape The Foundation’s priorities and impact.
Connect with others who are passionate about building a stronger, more equitable community.
Engage in meaningful discussions on topics that matter to you.

REGISTER HERE

Bookending is a concept I learned in recovery that I found it extremely when setting difficult boundaries or having really tough conversations. If you’ve ever had an accountability partner for something, then you’ve been exposed to the concept of bookending. The idea is that you “bookend” your commitments with another person by connecting with them before and after you do the thing you’ve committed to.

Leveraging codependency powers for good.

For example, if you’re having a hard time going to the gym, you might text a friend and say, “I’m going to the gym today come hell or high water. I’ll text you when I’m leaving the gym.” I think of this as leveraging my codependent powers for good.

What I mean by “leveraging my codependent powers for good” is this: I have codependent tendencies and I'm probably always going to have them. That means (among other things) that I want people to think well of me. Therefore, if I tell someone I'm going to do something, I am so much more likely to follow through than if I didn't tell anybody.

I've been using my codependent powers for the benefit of other people my entire life. I'm now learning to use them (or leverage them) in such a way that they finally benefit me. I more easily get myself to follow through on things when I involve other people.

This works for me to this day. I have two accountability partners for meditation and one for yoga. I meditate twice a day and that second meditation is sometimes difficult for me.  I wouldn’t meditate that second time daily as consistently as I do if it weren’t for my accountability partners.

The basic and complex models of bookending.

At its most basic, the idea of bookending is that you have someone be your accountability partner before and after doing something you’ve committed to doing. There’s a much more complex way to employ this same technique in much more difficult circumstances, which is the main topic of this essay. 

It’s very powerful when you're doing something that extremely difficult, like setting a particularly important boundary with someone you’re close to or afraid of. If there’s a boundary you’re really nervous about setting, this more complex form of bookending can be a Godsend!

For difficult situations, choose a supportive and emotionally mature “boundary partner.”

This could be a trusted friend, a sponsor, a clergy person, a coach or a therapist. Ideally, it’s someone who’s not emotionally involved in your situation.

You start by asking for their support with the situation. Once you get their consent to support you, run your thoughts by them about what you want to say to the person you’re setting a boundary with (the target of your boundary). Remember, this is your boundary and you get to make the final call on what to say, when, and the setting you’ll say it in. But it’s a good idea to get feedback from someone not involved. That person can help you think through whether it makes sense for you to use those particular words, do it at that particular time, and in that particular setting. For example, they might say, “Are you sure you want to do that in person? Perhaps doing it on the phone or zoom will make it easier for you.”

Once you’ve made your decision about what to say, when and where, let your boundary partner know, “This is the day and time I'm going to do it. I want check in with you that day before I do it and after it’s over so I can bookend my boundary setting with you.”

The power of a boundary partner.

On the day of your boundary setting, connect with your partner. This serves two crucial purposes: accountability and emotional support. They can affirm your decision, reminding you that you deserve to set healthy boundaries. Moreover, you can process any pre-boundary anxieties or fears, reducing the likelihood of projecting those emotions onto the other person.

When we were growing up, many of us didn’t have supportive others to help us manage our difficult feelings. That’s why they can be so overpowering. The feelings of guilt and shame that arise when setting boundaries (or even thinking of setting boundaries) are what frequently stop people from setting boundaries, or cave once they set them. Having someone to process those feelings with you reduces the burden of those feelings. 

You don’t want to launch those emotions at the target of your boundary because that makes it much more likely to be a confrontational experience rather than just a simple conversation about “this is how things are going to be from now on.”

Navigating difficult emotions.

At the beginning of learning to set boundaries and have difficult conversation, I’d feel like I was going to die. I’m not exaggerating! It felt like my life was under threat! It wasn’t really setting a boundary that made me feel like I was going to die, it was the emotions associated with setting the boundary. I didn’t know how to handle them, so having another person to process those feelings with changed everything! Just the idea of not responding to an email from ex-boyfriend caused my nervous system to go way out of whack. And that was an ex-boyfriend!!

You don't want to process those feelings with the target of your boundary, which is a major reason why you’re bookending with your supportive boundary partner. When you go into the situation with the target of your boundary and tell them what you want to tell them, you’ll know that someone else 

• knows where you are
• knows what you’re doing
• knows what you’re going through
• and is waiting to reconnect with you afterwards

Then, once you’ve set the boundary, you reconnect with your boundary partner (the other end of the bookend process). Once again, you get reassurance and affirmation from them (you did the right thing, you showed up for yourself, you stood your ground, you’re so brave). You also get to process any difficult emotions with them again. Even if things turned out fantastically, you may still have difficult emotions to process and you don’t have to carry those alone. You get to share them with others. 

That is, you get to be connected to others. Remember – we’re protected when we’re connected. Here’s why this is important: most people with unhealthy boundaries have no experience with healthy connection to others. We’ve typically experienced enmeshment or abandonment, or both. That means when we set a boundary, it feels like abandonment. That is, we know it’s not enmeshment, and the only other thing we know is abandonment. 

But, if we're connected to our boundary partner through their love and their support, we know we're not abandoned.

From enmeshment to healthy connection.

If you’ve only experienced enmeshment or abandonment, you have no concept of what healthy connection is. That’s why setting boundaries can feel like abandonment rather than creating a healthy connection with others. 

Here's the thing about abandonment: it doesn't matter who initiates it, it still feels like abandonment. For example, if you break up with a someone, you could still feel abandone. It’s doesn’t matter if you initiated the breakup because they were there and then they’re not. If you have a history of abandonment, it feels like just another instance of being abandoned.

Setting boundaries means coming out of enmeshment. You’re delineating the boundaries of who you are, differentiating yourself as your own distinct person with your own distinct identity and preferences. That can feel like abandonment because you're no longer enmeshed with others.

Bookending with your boundary partner lets you know on an experiential level “I’m not abandoned - I’m still connected to this other person.”

If you need to set a difficult boundary or have a very tough conversation, getting support from someone else can be absolute magic!

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/Vision2034

https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/Vision2034-Spanish

https://www.nptechforgood.com/101-best-practices/social-media-statistics-for-nonprofits/

Elon Musk says millions in Social Security database are between ages of 100 and 159 https://ground.news/article/social-security-data-shows-millions-more-eligible-recipients-than-living-americans-musk-reveals_4bb6cd?utm_source=mobile-app&utm

What if I told you that the strongest foundation for love isn’t passion or spontaneity—but boundaries? On this Valentine’s Day, I want to share how setting boundaries from the start helped build the happiest, healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. I’ll start by telling stories of how things unfolded in our relationship. Then I’ll share what the boundaries were to make it clear. By sharing my story, I hope to show you how subtle but powerful boundaries can be—and how they can strengthen your own relationships, too.

The Relationship Begins…

In the first text exchange, I had with my sweetheart where I said to myself, “I think I want to date this man” because he responded with interest, enthusiasm, and humor. As we went on our first couple of dates, I became more attracted to him based on his healthy boundaries. He demonstrated them in a variety of ways. He showed up on time to our first coffee date. We had also planned to go to the same yoga class together after coffee, and he was mindful of the time we needed to depart.

As we continued to spend time together, I started noticing more ways he demonstrated healthy boundaries, which only made me more attracted to him. On our second date, I needed to leave the museum unexpectedly because I felt light-headed. I invited him to join me for lunch at the restaurant across the street and he declined., though he walked me across the street to the restaurant with his hand gently on my back to ensure I made it there safely.

About 45 minutes later he texted to check on me to make sure I was okay. I later learned that he declined lunch because he had a chronic illness and needed to manage his energy. He also revealed things about himself to me bit by bit, not with a firehose on the first date as I’d done with most of my former partners. For example, he waited to tell me about his chronic illness until about our third date. Why share something like that if it doesn’t seem like things are going to move forward?

One of the most amazing things? He actually asked if he could kiss me!! For my entire life, I’d always wanted for a man to ask me if he could kiss me, but that never happened. In other words, he got my consent which is respectful. As the smooching part of our relationship started, he didn’t grope me and try to get into my shirt or pants immediately the way every other guy had. That is, he showed me that he desired me without violating my clothing boundaries. We were building emotional intimacy before physical intimacy, which I’d never done.

When the topic of having sex came up, I told him, “I want to make it clear that I want you, but I'm not ready.  I don't even know what that means. I just know that I’m not ready.” As we talked further, I told him there were a couple of things I know for sure I’ll need to be ready. One is that I’d need a commitment to a monogamous relationship. He said, “Me too, I feel the same way.” The second was that we’d both need to be checked for sexually transmitted infections. He said, “Oh my God, I love that!” Later in our relationship, he told me it took him a while to realized what an enormous relief that was for him.

Shortly after the initial sex conversation, I told him I’d like to go out for coffee (i.e., on neutral territory and in public) to share my thoughts and experiences with sex and hear some from you. When the coffee date came, I started our conversation by reminding him that I’ve been completely transformed as a person because of 12-step recovery and having healthy boundaries now. I’ve been radically changed, including being down over 100 pounds from my top weight. In other words, I've never had sex in this body before!

I had lots of extra, saggy flesh. I was pretty sure I’d be okay with him seeing me naked because I’d been okay with being seen naked by lovers when I was heavier. I told him I’d been shamed by former lovers for not being adventurous enough in the bedroom as well as for being too adventurous. I said, “Now that I’m a new person, this person has never had sex before! So I have no idea what's gonna come out of me!  I have always really enjoyed sex,  but I've also never really spoken up and asked for what I really wanted.” 

I told him this new version of Barb might like to try new things but want to feel safe enough to change my mind, maybe even in the middle of it without him taking it personally. He was very agreeable and was grateful I felt comfortable talking to him about this stuff.

Right around that same time, a friend in recovery who had been married for 35 years said, “If you’re going to wait to have sex, make it special: go away and celebrate it!” That way you have something to look forward to, and you create a memory you can look back on. 

I was like, “Oh my God! That's such a great idea!” So he and I discussed it and he also loved the idea. We picked a date about 5-6 weeks in the future. The next time I talked to him he said,  I found the perfect Airbnb in the Berkshires!” I was thrilled that he’d taken the initiative, once again showing me his enthusiasm.

One of the beautiful things about having picked a date in the future was that we could count down the days. It turned into a really playful thing where we’d say things like, “15 more days until we have sex” and it was a wonderful, fun-loving thing we were doing together. Of course, I’m not going to go into details about what happened there (because I have boundaries!), but now it's a wonderful memory we have together. 

Forget the myth that romance has to be spontaneous—planning can be just as passionate, if not more! Planning increases anticipation, which is very hot and romantic. It's something you can look forward to together and be playful with. 

Here’s What Our Boundaries Were

Now that I’ve laid that all out, I want to point out some of the boundaries we had in case you didn’t spot them for what they are. 

• He showed up on time for our first date and also made sure we left on time
• He declined my invitation to lunch but didn’t feel the need to explain why until sometime later
• He and I both shared personal info bit by bit rather than by firehose
• He waited to tell me he had a chronic illness until it was clear that I was interested in him
• He asked for my permission before kissing me
• He was respectful of my clothing boundaries and didn’t try to get inside my shirt or pants like all my former partners had (and I let them!)
• I said, “I'm not ready” and he respected that. He didn’t try to push me to do anything before I was ready. I also respected my own boundaries by knowing I wasn’t ready and saying so.
• I required a committed monogamous relationship he agreed to that 
• I required hat we both have STI testing and he agreed to that 
• I set a boundary by saying we're not having sex until I have a conversation with you, and he agreed to that 
• I also let him know ahead of time that I don't know where my boundary is when we're actually in the act because I'm learning who this new version of Barb is. I told him  ahead of time in case I changed my mind, so he wouldn’t  take it personally, and he agreed to that
• We set boundaries by picking a date and a destination so we could make it special and we both honored that

So this Valentine’s Day, whether you’re single or in a relationship, remember: boundaries aren’t barriers to love—they’re the foundation of it. And the more you honor your own, the stronger, safer, and more fulfilling your relationships will be.

There’s a distinction I often reiterate to my clients between what we get to do versus what we have to do. When we think “I get to do this” we’re framing things in terms of having a choice as opposed to being something we’re being compelled to do.

When I learned in recovery that I’d been gossiping for years and didn’t realize it,  I thought, “I have to stop gossiping.” It turned out this was a deeply ingrained pattern of mine, and I internalized this pattern from my family of origin. We engaged in indirect communication (e.g., you never went to the person you had a problem with, you talked about them to everyone else). 

As I was trying to stop, I realized it felt really good when I gossiped, which was shocking and unnerving. It felt like it was going to be an insurmountable obstacle, to change this deeply entrenched pattern. It felt like a burden. As I did research on gossip, what it was, why we do it, and how to stop it, I realized that it felt good because I got to blame others for my problems. 

At that point, I’d started to understand the importance of taking responsibility for my life, choices, and actions. That’s when I realized I get to stop gossiping, I don’t have to. As I drastically decreased my habit of gossiping, I started feeling a lot more freedom and control over my life. I got to see that it actually was a privilege to stop gossiping, not a burden. 

In recovery, as with any personal growth process, a large part of the work is changing our perspectives, and this is just another example of that. This particular perspective shift is like flipping a light switch in a dark room—you realize you always had the power, you just needed to use it. Imagine what that kind of shift could do for you as a parent, at work, or in your family of origin.

Before I give some examples, take a moment to think about Where in your life you feel weighed down by the belief that you “have to” do things. What might shift if you thought of it as a privilege? Pause and think about that before reading on.

Here are some examples of the kinds of things I hear from my clients where I suggest this shift:

• “I have to take responsibility now” and I say, “No, you get to take responsibility now. That's what it means to be a mature adult - taking responsibility for your own life and for your own actions and leaving everybody else’s life and actions up to them.”
• “I have to figure out who I am” but you actually get to figure out who you are. One of the most important ways we do that is by keeping the focus on ourselves rather than others. We can only figure out what we like and don’t like, what’s okay and not okay with us, when we’re focused internally rather than externally. 
• “I have to make amends for this” and I say, “Actually, you get to make amends for this.” Most (if not all) of us have done some crappy things in our lives. 12-step recovery programs give us a way of making up for that. I think of it as cleaning that stuff off of my soul when I make amends. It’s a privilege to do that, not a burden. And what do we get from making amends? We get to be happy joyous and free! We get to let go of the weight of those deeds. 
• “I have to get sober” becomes “I get to get sober.” It’s a choice and a privilege. When I say choice here, I don’t mean that people are choosing to be alcoholics or to have a substance use disorder. Substance use disorder is a disease no one would choose, just like we wouldn’t choose Lupus breast cancer, or asthma. But we can choose to work on a program of recovery that’s been proven to work for others. We get to make that choice, we don’t have to.
• A recovery friend said, “OK, so now I have to love myself.” She was talking about it as if it was a strategy, like a task she could check off her to-do list. Something like, “If I love myself, then I'll get better.” I said, “Actually you get to love yourself. The point of loving yourself is to love yourself. It's not to get something or to get better. It’s to have the experience of loving yourself and being loved by yourself.” THAT is a privilege, not a burden! 

These are choices and privileges, not burdens. You get to take responsibility for your life, figure out who you really are, make amends, get sober, and love yourself. 

Since I’m a boundaries coach, I don’t want to pass up the opportunity to mention how this shift is especially powerful for those working on boundaries. When we say, “I have to set boundaries,” it feels heavy, like a chore. But when we say, “I get to set boundaries,” we recognize that it’s an act of self-care and empowerment.

Now I have some questions for you:  What’s something in your life you’ve been saying you “have to” do?  How would it feel if you reframed it as something you “get to” do?  Try it for a day and see how it shifts your energy! Drop me an email to let me know how that shift felt.

A few years ago, renewing my license was chaotic and stressful—a reflection of my old, reactive way of living. But recovery has radically transformed my life. Now, I’m proactive, intentional, and planful, turning what used to be a source of drama into a routine, stress-free task.

Before Recovery: Chaos and Drama

I used to create chaos and drama in my own life without realizing I was the source. I sometimes think of this is having lobbed bombs into my own life, not knowing I was the one doing it. 

Here are some examples: 

• “unexpected” expenses would come along and I wouldn’t have the money on hand for things like driver’s license renewal, haircuts, car taxes
• I’d set aside envelopes for things I thought were bills and tell myself, “I’ll look at it later.” That could mean days, or weeks or months later. Many years ago it meant never.
• I’d put off setting up appointments for things like renewing my license until the last moment, sometimes resulting in no appointments being available until after my license expired
• I’d wait to get gas until the last possible second, knowing I had a long drive ahead then stressing the whole way about whether I’d find a gas station along the way. 
• I’d leave at the last minute, not allowing myself ample time to get to my destination

Small Changes: Big Results

When it comes time to renew my license now, I have money set aside for things like that. This is what the folks at YNAB (You Need a Budget)  call “embracing your true expenses.” In the past, this is the type of expense that would throw me for a loop.

This time, when the license renewal came in the mail, I opened the envelope as soon as I grabbed it out of the mailbox. Then, I immediately went online to set up an appointment. For me, this was huge because  at least twice In the last 20 years or so, I renewed my license late. That was either because I didn’t have the money or was just procrastinating. 

Then the day of the license renewal, I got into my car and saw that I had a little bit less than a quarter of a tank of gas. I was going to be driving 35 minutes away, so I stopped at the gas station to fill up before getting on the highway. 

I think that mentality  was partially fueled by the sense of urgency I used to have all the time. The result was that  I’d have underlying stress because I'd be wondering if I was going to make it or if there was a gas station on the way. Instead of creating that stress, I just got gas.

Oh – and I had plenty of time to do that because I gave myself more than a 15-minute buffer when I left. In the past when I left at the last minute,  I’d get  pissed at everyone who was “in my way” because I was trying to travel through time to get there! Now, because I give myself plenty of time to get places, I drive the speed limit. When I'm on the highway, I use cruise control so that I don't have to worry about changing my speed all the time. 

Then there's the fact that I was getting my picture taken for my license renewal. That was the first time to get my license picture since I’d lost over 100 pounds. That was a HUGE accomplishment! I struggled with my weight my entire adult life.

I’ve heard it said repeatedly by entrepreneurs who make over $100k in a year that the way you stay at $100k is the way that you got to $100k. I think that’s true of any change process, not just building a business: do things one day at a time, and live now the way you want to live then. If you want to avoid rushing in the future, avoid rushing now. If you want to have weekends off in the future, take weekends off now. These are lessons I’m just now internalizing after 300 podcast episodes and almost seven years into starting my business!

Living Intentionally Requires Planning

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of planning if you want o live intentially. As vince Lombardi said, “The person on top of the mountain didn't fall there.” And as Dwight Eisenhower said, “Plans are useful, but planning is essential.” People don’t just “happen” to have a life that’s happy, joyous and free. They plan.

The way I think about it is this:  if you want to have a well-lived life,  you need to act like it. You need to plan your life. As someone who’s lost so much weight and maintained that weight loss for years, food is a good example of something I plan. My finances are another. It was only $72 to renew my license, but costs like that used to take me down because I didn’t plan for them.

Even though I've always been an organized person and a responsible in many areas of my life, when it came to my own stuff I was in denial. If something was more expensive than $30  or so, 

I’d often not have the money because I just spent money like it was burning a hole in my pocket!!

Opening envelopes immediately and scheduling appointments weeks in advance might seem small, but these habits eliminate last-minute stress. Living intentionally starts with small, consistent actions. Think about one area of your life where you’re reactive instead of proactive. What’s one small change you can make this week to live more intentionally?

By living with intention, I’ve transformed stress and chaos into peace and control. Life doesn’t just happen to us—we can choose how we live it, one thoughtful decision at a time.

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