What if I told you that the strongest foundation for love isn’t passion or spontaneity—but boundaries? On this Valentine’s Day, I want to share how setting boundaries from the start helped build the happiest, healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. I’ll start by telling stories of how things unfolded in our relationship. Then I’ll share what the boundaries were to make it clear. By sharing my story, I hope to show you how subtle but powerful boundaries can be—and how they can strengthen your own relationships, too.

The Relationship Begins…

In the first text exchange, I had with my sweetheart where I said to myself, “I think I want to date this man” because he responded with interest, enthusiasm, and humor. As we went on our first couple of dates, I became more attracted to him based on his healthy boundaries. He demonstrated them in a variety of ways. He showed up on time to our first coffee date. We had also planned to go to the same yoga class together after coffee, and he was mindful of the time we needed to depart.

As we continued to spend time together, I started noticing more ways he demonstrated healthy boundaries, which only made me more attracted to him. On our second date, I needed to leave the museum unexpectedly because I felt light-headed. I invited him to join me for lunch at the restaurant across the street and he declined., though he walked me across the street to the restaurant with his hand gently on my back to ensure I made it there safely.

About 45 minutes later he texted to check on me to make sure I was okay. I later learned that he declined lunch because he had a chronic illness and needed to manage his energy. He also revealed things about himself to me bit by bit, not with a firehose on the first date as I’d done with most of my former partners. For example, he waited to tell me about his chronic illness until about our third date. Why share something like that if it doesn’t seem like things are going to move forward?

One of the most amazing things? He actually asked if he could kiss me!! For my entire life, I’d always wanted for a man to ask me if he could kiss me, but that never happened. In other words, he got my consent which is respectful. As the smooching part of our relationship started, he didn’t grope me and try to get into my shirt or pants immediately the way every other guy had. That is, he showed me that he desired me without violating my clothing boundaries. We were building emotional intimacy before physical intimacy, which I’d never done.

When the topic of having sex came up, I told him, “I want to make it clear that I want you, but I'm not ready.  I don't even know what that means. I just know that I’m not ready.” As we talked further, I told him there were a couple of things I know for sure I’ll need to be ready. One is that I’d need a commitment to a monogamous relationship. He said, “Me too, I feel the same way.” The second was that we’d both need to be checked for sexually transmitted infections. He said, “Oh my God, I love that!” Later in our relationship, he told me it took him a while to realized what an enormous relief that was for him.

Shortly after the initial sex conversation, I told him I’d like to go out for coffee (i.e., on neutral territory and in public) to share my thoughts and experiences with sex and hear some from you. When the coffee date came, I started our conversation by reminding him that I’ve been completely transformed as a person because of 12-step recovery and having healthy boundaries now. I’ve been radically changed, including being down over 100 pounds from my top weight. In other words, I've never had sex in this body before!

I had lots of extra, saggy flesh. I was pretty sure I’d be okay with him seeing me naked because I’d been okay with being seen naked by lovers when I was heavier. I told him I’d been shamed by former lovers for not being adventurous enough in the bedroom as well as for being too adventurous. I said, “Now that I’m a new person, this person has never had sex before! So I have no idea what's gonna come out of me!  I have always really enjoyed sex,  but I've also never really spoken up and asked for what I really wanted.” 

I told him this new version of Barb might like to try new things but want to feel safe enough to change my mind, maybe even in the middle of it without him taking it personally. He was very agreeable and was grateful I felt comfortable talking to him about this stuff.

Right around that same time, a friend in recovery who had been married for 35 years said, “If you’re going to wait to have sex, make it special: go away and celebrate it!” That way you have something to look forward to, and you create a memory you can look back on. 

I was like, “Oh my God! That's such a great idea!” So he and I discussed it and he also loved the idea. We picked a date about 5-6 weeks in the future. The next time I talked to him he said,  I found the perfect Airbnb in the Berkshires!” I was thrilled that he’d taken the initiative, once again showing me his enthusiasm.

One of the beautiful things about having picked a date in the future was that we could count down the days. It turned into a really playful thing where we’d say things like, “15 more days until we have sex” and it was a wonderful, fun-loving thing we were doing together. Of course, I’m not going to go into details about what happened there (because I have boundaries!), but now it's a wonderful memory we have together. 

Forget the myth that romance has to be spontaneous—planning can be just as passionate, if not more! Planning increases anticipation, which is very hot and romantic. It's something you can look forward to together and be playful with. 

Here’s What Our Boundaries Were

Now that I’ve laid that all out, I want to point out some of the boundaries we had in case you didn’t spot them for what they are. 

• He showed up on time for our first date and also made sure we left on time
• He declined my invitation to lunch but didn’t feel the need to explain why until sometime later
• He and I both shared personal info bit by bit rather than by firehose
• He waited to tell me he had a chronic illness until it was clear that I was interested in him
• He asked for my permission before kissing me
• He was respectful of my clothing boundaries and didn’t try to get inside my shirt or pants like all my former partners had (and I let them!)
• I said, “I'm not ready” and he respected that. He didn’t try to push me to do anything before I was ready. I also respected my own boundaries by knowing I wasn’t ready and saying so.
• I required a committed monogamous relationship he agreed to that 
• I required hat we both have STI testing and he agreed to that 
• I set a boundary by saying we're not having sex until I have a conversation with you, and he agreed to that 
• I also let him know ahead of time that I don't know where my boundary is when we're actually in the act because I'm learning who this new version of Barb is. I told him  ahead of time in case I changed my mind, so he wouldn’t  take it personally, and he agreed to that
• We set boundaries by picking a date and a destination so we could make it special and we both honored that

So this Valentine’s Day, whether you’re single or in a relationship, remember: boundaries aren’t barriers to love—they’re the foundation of it. And the more you honor your own, the stronger, safer, and more fulfilling your relationships will be.

There’s a distinction I often reiterate to my clients between what we get to do versus what we have to do. When we think “I get to do this” we’re framing things in terms of having a choice as opposed to being something we’re being compelled to do.

When I learned in recovery that I’d been gossiping for years and didn’t realize it,  I thought, “I have to stop gossiping.” It turned out this was a deeply ingrained pattern of mine, and I internalized this pattern from my family of origin. We engaged in indirect communication (e.g., you never went to the person you had a problem with, you talked about them to everyone else). 

As I was trying to stop, I realized it felt really good when I gossiped, which was shocking and unnerving. It felt like it was going to be an insurmountable obstacle, to change this deeply entrenched pattern. It felt like a burden. As I did research on gossip, what it was, why we do it, and how to stop it, I realized that it felt good because I got to blame others for my problems. 

At that point, I’d started to understand the importance of taking responsibility for my life, choices, and actions. That’s when I realized I get to stop gossiping, I don’t have to. As I drastically decreased my habit of gossiping, I started feeling a lot more freedom and control over my life. I got to see that it actually was a privilege to stop gossiping, not a burden. 

In recovery, as with any personal growth process, a large part of the work is changing our perspectives, and this is just another example of that. This particular perspective shift is like flipping a light switch in a dark room—you realize you always had the power, you just needed to use it. Imagine what that kind of shift could do for you as a parent, at work, or in your family of origin.

Before I give some examples, take a moment to think about Where in your life you feel weighed down by the belief that you “have to” do things. What might shift if you thought of it as a privilege? Pause and think about that before reading on.

Here are some examples of the kinds of things I hear from my clients where I suggest this shift:

• “I have to take responsibility now” and I say, “No, you get to take responsibility now. That's what it means to be a mature adult - taking responsibility for your own life and for your own actions and leaving everybody else’s life and actions up to them.”
• “I have to figure out who I am” but you actually get to figure out who you are. One of the most important ways we do that is by keeping the focus on ourselves rather than others. We can only figure out what we like and don’t like, what’s okay and not okay with us, when we’re focused internally rather than externally. 
• “I have to make amends for this” and I say, “Actually, you get to make amends for this.” Most (if not all) of us have done some crappy things in our lives. 12-step recovery programs give us a way of making up for that. I think of it as cleaning that stuff off of my soul when I make amends. It’s a privilege to do that, not a burden. And what do we get from making amends? We get to be happy joyous and free! We get to let go of the weight of those deeds. 
• “I have to get sober” becomes “I get to get sober.” It’s a choice and a privilege. When I say choice here, I don’t mean that people are choosing to be alcoholics or to have a substance use disorder. Substance use disorder is a disease no one would choose, just like we wouldn’t choose Lupus breast cancer, or asthma. But we can choose to work on a program of recovery that’s been proven to work for others. We get to make that choice, we don’t have to.
• A recovery friend said, “OK, so now I have to love myself.” She was talking about it as if it was a strategy, like a task she could check off her to-do list. Something like, “If I love myself, then I'll get better.” I said, “Actually you get to love yourself. The point of loving yourself is to love yourself. It's not to get something or to get better. It’s to have the experience of loving yourself and being loved by yourself.” THAT is a privilege, not a burden! 

These are choices and privileges, not burdens. You get to take responsibility for your life, figure out who you really are, make amends, get sober, and love yourself. 

Since I’m a boundaries coach, I don’t want to pass up the opportunity to mention how this shift is especially powerful for those working on boundaries. When we say, “I have to set boundaries,” it feels heavy, like a chore. But when we say, “I get to set boundaries,” we recognize that it’s an act of self-care and empowerment.

Now I have some questions for you:  What’s something in your life you’ve been saying you “have to” do?  How would it feel if you reframed it as something you “get to” do?  Try it for a day and see how it shifts your energy! Drop me an email to let me know how that shift felt.

A few years ago, renewing my license was chaotic and stressful—a reflection of my old, reactive way of living. But recovery has radically transformed my life. Now, I’m proactive, intentional, and planful, turning what used to be a source of drama into a routine, stress-free task.

Before Recovery: Chaos and Drama

I used to create chaos and drama in my own life without realizing I was the source. I sometimes think of this is having lobbed bombs into my own life, not knowing I was the one doing it. 

Here are some examples: 

• “unexpected” expenses would come along and I wouldn’t have the money on hand for things like driver’s license renewal, haircuts, car taxes
• I’d set aside envelopes for things I thought were bills and tell myself, “I’ll look at it later.” That could mean days, or weeks or months later. Many years ago it meant never.
• I’d put off setting up appointments for things like renewing my license until the last moment, sometimes resulting in no appointments being available until after my license expired
• I’d wait to get gas until the last possible second, knowing I had a long drive ahead then stressing the whole way about whether I’d find a gas station along the way. 
• I’d leave at the last minute, not allowing myself ample time to get to my destination

Small Changes: Big Results

When it comes time to renew my license now, I have money set aside for things like that. This is what the folks at YNAB (You Need a Budget)  call “embracing your true expenses.” In the past, this is the type of expense that would throw me for a loop.

This time, when the license renewal came in the mail, I opened the envelope as soon as I grabbed it out of the mailbox. Then, I immediately went online to set up an appointment. For me, this was huge because  at least twice In the last 20 years or so, I renewed my license late. That was either because I didn’t have the money or was just procrastinating. 

Then the day of the license renewal, I got into my car and saw that I had a little bit less than a quarter of a tank of gas. I was going to be driving 35 minutes away, so I stopped at the gas station to fill up before getting on the highway. 

I think that mentality  was partially fueled by the sense of urgency I used to have all the time. The result was that  I’d have underlying stress because I'd be wondering if I was going to make it or if there was a gas station on the way. Instead of creating that stress, I just got gas.

Oh – and I had plenty of time to do that because I gave myself more than a 15-minute buffer when I left. In the past when I left at the last minute,  I’d get  pissed at everyone who was “in my way” because I was trying to travel through time to get there! Now, because I give myself plenty of time to get places, I drive the speed limit. When I'm on the highway, I use cruise control so that I don't have to worry about changing my speed all the time. 

Then there's the fact that I was getting my picture taken for my license renewal. That was the first time to get my license picture since I’d lost over 100 pounds. That was a HUGE accomplishment! I struggled with my weight my entire adult life.

I’ve heard it said repeatedly by entrepreneurs who make over $100k in a year that the way you stay at $100k is the way that you got to $100k. I think that’s true of any change process, not just building a business: do things one day at a time, and live now the way you want to live then. If you want to avoid rushing in the future, avoid rushing now. If you want to have weekends off in the future, take weekends off now. These are lessons I’m just now internalizing after 300 podcast episodes and almost seven years into starting my business!

Living Intentionally Requires Planning

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of planning if you want o live intentially. As vince Lombardi said, “The person on top of the mountain didn't fall there.” And as Dwight Eisenhower said, “Plans are useful, but planning is essential.” People don’t just “happen” to have a life that’s happy, joyous and free. They plan.

The way I think about it is this:  if you want to have a well-lived life,  you need to act like it. You need to plan your life. As someone who’s lost so much weight and maintained that weight loss for years, food is a good example of something I plan. My finances are another. It was only $72 to renew my license, but costs like that used to take me down because I didn’t plan for them.

Even though I've always been an organized person and a responsible in many areas of my life, when it came to my own stuff I was in denial. If something was more expensive than $30  or so, 

I’d often not have the money because I just spent money like it was burning a hole in my pocket!!

Opening envelopes immediately and scheduling appointments weeks in advance might seem small, but these habits eliminate last-minute stress. Living intentionally starts with small, consistent actions. Think about one area of your life where you’re reactive instead of proactive. What’s one small change you can make this week to live more intentionally?

By living with intention, I’ve transformed stress and chaos into peace and control. Life doesn’t just happen to us—we can choose how we live it, one thoughtful decision at a time.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

A 25-year-old engineer named Marko Elez, who previously worked for two Elon Musk companies, has direct access to Treasury Department systems responsible for nearly all payments made by the US government, three sources tell WIRED...

https://www.wired.com/story/elon-musk-associate-bfs-federal-payment-system/

What is a country? The way its people govern themselves. America exists because its people elect those who make and execute laws. The assumption of a democracy is that individuals have dignity and rights that they realize and protect by acting together...

https://snyder.substack.com/p/the-logic-of-destruction

Opinion Thomas L. Friedman

Jan. 28, 2025

I understand that Donald Trump was elected to better manage our borders and curb left-wing wokeism. But have no illusions: Trump’s right-wing wokeism — impugning electric vehicles and renewable energy because they don’t conform to MAGA ideology and aren’t manly enough — is as devoid of common sense and not remotely in the national interest as any left-wing cultural wokeism...

https://www.nytimes.com/2025/01/28/opinion/deepseek-ai-trump.html

Featuring Joy Bush and Tom Peterson

Two of City Gallery’s contemporary photographers — Joy Bush and Tom Peterson — will be featured in ALONE, a new photography exhibit at City Gallery, on view from January 31 - March 2. There will be an Artists Reception on Sunday, February 23, 2 p.m. to 4 p.m.

With two distinct interpretations of the concept “alone,” Bush and Peterson present a collection of images that define the solitude of objects and individuals. “I like to think of each photograph in this series as a short visual poem,” says Bush. “Each stands on its own. And yet, being part of a series, each does occasionally flirt with one nearby.”

Peterson’s series “Just Me” had its beginnings during trips to New York City. “I would walk up and down Fifth Avenue and along Central Park, and began to notice individuals who sought spaces of solitude.” His photographs illustrate their makeshift sanctuaries, and speak to a longing of private spaces within a crowded world.

Peterson is a documentary and abstract fine art’s photographer from Hamden, Connecticut. His most recent work explores both quiet, peaceful imagery and architectural images of intense color. He has received numerous awards, including twice winning First Honors at Shoreline Arts Alliance. 2019 exhibits included a solo exhibition at The Kohn Joseloff Gallery at Cheshire Academy and the New Haven Lawn Club. Tom has been a member of City Gallery since 2009.

Bush is a photographer based in Connecticut. Her work was recently featured in Unbeatable Women at the Lyman Allyn Art Museum, CT (2022) as well as solo shows Waiting (2023) at City Gallery, Home Views: Places In Never Lived (2021) at the Griffin Museum of Photography in Massachusetts, and A Holy Land In Ruins (2013) at Mattatuck Museum. Her photographs have appeared in Fraction Magazine, The Village Voice, The New York Times, Connecticut Review, and many other publications. She has exhibited in solo and group exhibits nationally including the International Center for Photography (NYC), Mattatuck Museum (CT), Lyman Allyn Art Museum (CT), Five Points Art Gallery (CT), Griffin Museum of Photography (MA), Copley Society (Boston, MA), Garrison Art Center (NY), and Umbrella Arts (NYC). Bush is represented in the permanent collections of the Cincinnati Art Museum, Mattatuck Museum, Montefiore Hospital (Bronx, NY), the Baseball Hall of Fame, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Yale Medical Group Art Place, and private collections.

The ALONE exhibit is free and open to the public. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m., or by appointment. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org or newhavencity-gallery.org.

Do you ever find yourself saying yes to things during that holiday that you secretly dread? Maybe it’s the family tradition you’ve never enjoyed, or the pressure to keep everyone else happy at the expense of your own peace and sanity. What if this year could be different?

The Pressure to Conform: Why We Do Things We Don’t Want To.

It’s especially common that we do things we no longer want to do, or maybe never wanted to do, with our families. The pressure can be very high to conform because “this is what we’ve always done” as a family.

We end up agreeing to things we don’t really want to do, wearing ourselves out, not giving ourselves the rest we need, and then getting resentful. I’m going to illustrate how we might handle this based on a story from a client a few years back. This particular scenario happened the day before Thanksgiving when she was set to spend several days with her family. It’s a very rich example of what it can be like for you when you start setting boundaries with family. It also busts some of the myths about boundaries.

Claudia’s Story: Living on Purpose.

The scenario is that Claudia (not her real name) backed out of a family hike because “I hate hiking and needed alone time.” She went on to say, “I was able to let them know I just need some alone time and they should go on without me.” She told me that the experience was “so freeing, and I'm so enjoying soaking up these quiet hours alone. If I hadn't done this, I don't think I would have been very pleasant on the hike or at dinner tonight. But now I'll be rested up and ready to talk all evening. Thank you for teaching me how to do this gracefully.”

This is what I would call living your life on purpose!

What Healthy Boundaries Look Like.

Now I’m going to go through what she said and unpack it to show how important it is to develop healthy boundaries if you want to live on purpose. 

Claudia backed out of a family hike because she hates hiking. She never liked going on family hikes but did them anyway. She let them know, “This is who I am - someone who does not like hiking.” This is what boundaries enable us to do, they help us to figure out who we are so we can tell other people who that is.

She let them know she was backing out of hiking that one time, but also that she didn’t enjoy hiking and never had. She let them know the truth about herself, perhaps for the first time ever. That meant she not only did not have to do something she didn't like doing, she broke a dysfunctional pattern with her family. Building healthy boundaries helped her realize she doesn't have to keep doing things she doesn't like doing with her family.

She told them they should go on without her. In other words, she didn’t want to stop them from enjoying hiking. She also let them know that she needed alone time. The way she handled this meant not going on a hike and taking alone time. The result was that she didn’t have the detrimental effect of doing something she didn’t want to do, and she got the benefit of doing something she actually likes to do, resting.

Many of us do not allow ourselves to rest enough. Like Claudia, I’ve learned the value of rest. I’ve definitely been guilty of not resting enough, and have been on a campaign over the last few months to build in more rest. I’m no longer taking potential client calls or recording my podcast on weekends, both of which I’ve done for years. Now, the only time I’ll work on weekends is if I have a speaking engagement. Weekends are now for resting, connecting with others, and getting some chores done. Not work.

We often don’t allow ourselves alone time to refuel. Perhaps because it feels like it’s selfish, or maybe like we’re being unproductive. Personally, I LOVE the feeling of being productive and having a sense of accomplishment. I just had an insight this morning that I’m now going to reframe my leisure time as productive time (I get to dream and tap into my imagination, as well as rest) and when I set aside that time it feels like I’ve accomplished something I set out to do.

So when Claudia didn’t have to hike and got to spend time alone resting, it was almost like she got double the fuel in her tank. She didn't get drained from hiking and she got to be alone to refuel by soaking up those quiet hours alone. The result was that instead of a tank running on empty (or possibly with negative fuel), she ended up with a tank that was full. 

Claudia also said, “If I hadn't done this, I don't think I would have been very pleasant on the hike or at dinner tonight.” She knew she would probably have been resentful and acted like a dick if she’d gone on the hike and didn’t allow herself to rest. 

Resentment and irritability are signals that you need to set a boundary.

Busting Common Myths about Boundaries.

One of the myths about boundaries is that you have to be a dick about them. I think people believe that because in the past, they've waited to set a boundary until they were pushed way past their limit so they explode. And it works! So they think that’s what it takes to set boundaries, you have to be a dick about it for people to respect your boundaries. Having healthy boundaries means that we don't allow ourselves to get to the point where we’re resentful. We notify people way before we get to the edge.

Another thing Claudia said was, “Now I'll be rested up and ready to talk all evening.” She realized that she could be fully present with her family with no resentment because she set a boundary with them.

This tackles another myth that people have about boundaries, which is that they put distance or build walls between us and other people. What Claudia experienced was that by own not engaging in an activity she dislikes and giving herself time to relax, she was able to be fully present with her family. She was rested, energized pleasant, and “ready to talk all night long.” That doesn’t sound like putting up a wall at all! That sounds like a connection.

Instead of the boundary putting distance between her and her family, it made her more available to them. 

Reclaiming Your Time and Energy

At the end, Claudia mentioned that I’d taught her how to do this gracefully. That’s because in our coaching, she got clear on what’s important to her; what she wants, likes, needs, and prefers; what’s okay and not okay with her so she can express those things to others.

Through the empowered communication methods I taught her, she took responsibility for getting her own needs met instead of resenting others for not meeting her needs. She realized she doesn't need to people-please her family and act like she likes hiking when she doesn't. 

Just like Claudia, you get to tell your family things like, “I need alone time” or “I don’t want to spend every day of the holiday week visiting everyone else, I want to stay home for a couple of days.” Or whatever else you’d like your holiday season to be like. 

You don’t have to be ON all the time we’re with our families. We get to enjoy the holidays the way WE want to! In fact, we get to enjoy our time all year long doing things we want to.

Imagine if Claudia had gone for the hike and was kind of a dick on the hike and got drained from the hike and not resting. She probably would have been a jerk all evening and that probably would have carried over into the Thanksgiving Day, not to mention the long drive home with her sister. 

Instead, she told them who she was (i.e., a woman who doesn't like hiking and needs alone time to refuel). She honored herself as that person. Because she did that, she was well-rested and able to talk all night with her family. She was able to be fully present with them for the Thanksgiving celebration as well as the ride home with her sister. She really said that boundaries help us get closer to people, not farther. 

Boundaries aren’t about keeping people out; they’re about inviting yourself in. By honoring your own needs, you create space for connection., joy, and authenticity – not just during the ho lidays but all year long.

So, what’s one small boundary you could set this week to honor your needs? Start with something small and notice how it impacts your energy and relationships.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

During a prayer service at Washington's National Cathedral Tuesday, the Episcopal bishop of Washington directly confronted President Trump while he and Vice President J.D. Vance were seated in the front row...

https://www.npr.org/2025/01/21/nx-s1-5270031/bishop-confronts-trump-during-sermon-at-inaugural-prayer-service

I help overwhelmed people-pleasers say no without guilt and shame so they can finally put themselves first and stop stressing over what others think. I do this for a few reasons.

1. That was me! I didn’t even I know was a people pleaser. I thought I was just “nice.” When I first heard the term people pleaser in recovery, I didn't think it applied to me. I remember thinking of another friend and I was like,  “Ohh yeah …she's a people pleaser!” This just goes to show how much denial I was in about myself.
2. Guilt and shame are the main reasons people don't set boundaries or cave on their boundaries. This was true for me and I think I can safely say it’s true for all of my clients.
3. The reason that we have such difficulty saying no is because we care way more about what other people think than what we think. In other words, we're completely focused on other people and what they're doing (or not doing). You’re not going to have a powerful living experience when you never concentrate on your own life and are always focused on people's lives. It’s just not possible. You have to actually LEAD your own life. No one else will do it for you.
4. Women have internalized the message that “selfish” is about the worst thing in the world you can be (I had a client say “I’d rather be called a whore than selfish.” WTF??). They’re terrified of being seen as selfish. First of all, if you’ve been a lifelong people pleaser, you’re NOT going to turn into a selfish person, it’s not in your nature. Secondly, paying attention to yourself, taking care of yourself, and doing things that bring you pleasure and energy are not selfish. You have one life to live, so live YOUR life, not the lives of others. This doesn’t mean we’re not helpful and generous, it means we’re helpful and generous in ways that are sustainable, not draining.

Some of the main fears I see in clients and prospective clients are that they’re afraid to upset others and that people won’t like them. They’re afraid they’ll have to confront someone and have difficult conversations and maybe come to be seen as selfish. They don’t want to be abandoned, rejected, or judged. They’re probably also afraid that if they keep things up the way they are, they’ll get burnt out by taking on too much and that they won’t live up to what they know they’re capable of and what they’re meant to do in the world. They get stuck in a cycle of giving in to others, leaving little room for their own needs—if they even know what those are. 

They’ve probably been on a personal development journey for decades and know all the things they “should” be doing but just can’t get themselves to DO them! Second-guessing themselves keeps them stuck, unable to set boundaries or make decisions. They end up taking on way too much, then get resentful and eventually explode. Typically, it works when they explode – people listen to them and respect their limits, so they think “This is how it works – I have to be a dick for people to listen to me.” And because they hate when others get upset with them, want to be liked, and don’t want to be a dick, they just give in (again) to what others want. That means they don’t ever figure out what they really want because they’re so afraid to make waves and they go along to keep the peace. The result is that they haven’t allowed themselves to explore their own interests.

For all these reasons and more, it’s exceedingly difficult for them to say no, especially with very specific people. That could be family members, themselves, close friends, and/or, authority figures. They don’t really know themselves, which means they don’t know what’s okay and not okay with them because they’ve been such a chameleon. They have this belief that it’s not okay to set limits with others and it makes them a bad person if they do. 

They think if they had just the right words to say, they’d be able to get people to do what they want. And if people would do what they want, things would go much more smoothly. But it goes much deeper than knowing the right words. It’s about believing they deserve to have their needs met, their feelings honored and their limits respected. Even if they DID have the right words, they would know how to handle pushback when they set a boundary because deep down, they don’t believe they deserve to set limits.

They also have an exceedingly difficult time asking for help, if they can do it at all. When they even think of asking for help, they might feel like they’re gonna die (that was me – no exaggeration!). They don’t want to be seen as needy or weak or a burden. They probably have a history of family dysfunction or childhood trauma, which makes focusing on themselves and believing they’re deserving almost impossible.

The reality is that things will never improve until they stop putting everyone else first. In order to create a breakthrough to get the life and relationships they truly want, they have to stop ignoring themselves and start focusing internally. This allows them to determine what they truly value, so they know what’s okay and not okay with them. Then they can communicate that to others in an empowered way, including knowing how to handle it when people push back.

Here's what you can do.

Take time to get to know what you really want out of life. I suggest you start by identifying your values. What matters to you? Those answers will guide you toward the type of decisions you want to make and the types of boundaries you need to set. If your health is important to you, then you’ll want to dedicate time, energy, and money toward your health (i.e., set boundaries to promote and support your health).

Start focusing internally and reduce how much you focus on other people, places, and things. This is especially important if you’re more invested in other people’s well-being than they are in their own well-being. If you’re more invested in someone else’s wellbeing than in YOUR own wellbeing, that’s a red flag. I suggest focusing internally by asking what you want or need in a particular situation; what you could do differently in situations that don’t go the way you want; and whether it’s really your business to step in and help others or offer advice. If not, get their consent before offering help, or better yet – wait for them to ask for your help; stop trying to manage others’ feelings, they get to be upset sometimes, it’s not your job to make them happy; take good care of yourself by filling your own cup first so you can pour from the overflow, not from an empty cup.

If you recognize yourself in this article and are tired of reading all the books, attending all the seminars, listening to all the podcasts and you lack the ability to follow through for yourself, I’ve got you! If you recognize that now’s the time for you to change your ways, I can help. I’ll take you through a structured program of action and give you tons of personalized professional boundaries coaching. If that’s you, sign up for a free call with me here. Let’s make 2025 the year you FINALLY do this for yourself and live the life you’ve imagined!

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

The Progreso Latino Fund and Long Wharf Theater invite you to join us on Wednesday, January 29th, 2025, for a special pre-show reception of Long Wharf's production of El Coqui Espectacular and The Bottle of Doom.

The pre-event reception is free, and the performance is a ticketed event (purchase through Long Wharf Theater website). 

Details:

Date - Wednesday, January 29, 2025

Location - Lyman Center at Southern Connecticut State University, 501 Crescent St, New Haven

Time - 6 pm - pre-show reception. 7 pm - performance

Plenty of free parking

The play follows iconic Puerto Rican superhero, El Coquí Espectacular, along the streets of Sunset Park, Brooklyn, where he finds himself up against supervillains and inner demons alike. Behind the mask lies Alex, a struggling comic book artist with a secret identity of his own. As he grapples with self-doubt and the lure of a steady job in advertising alongside his brother Joe, Alex must navigate the challenges of being a hero both on and off the page. This work is an exhilarating journey filled with action, humor and heart. The playwright, Matt Bardot, is Puerto Rican. 

Registration for the reception is required. Please go to :

Registration - hosted by GiveGab

We hope to see you there. 

Featuring Jennifer Davies, William Frucht, Barbara Harder, Catherine Lavoie

Author Jonathan Swift’s famous quote “everything old is new again” plays out in interesting, creative ways in the January group show at City Gallery. MAKING AND UNMAKING — featuring work by Jennifer Davies, William Frucht, Barbara Harder, and Catherine Lavoie — presents the repurposing of what was into an eclectic exhibit of textiles, fiber art and handmade papers, prints, and photography. The show is on view from January 3 - January 26, with an Opening Reception on Saturday, January 11, 2-4 p.m. (Snow date: Saturday, January 18, 2-4 p.m.)

From Davies’ reuse of “that which is not deemed precious” and Lavoie’s consideration of discarded stories, to Frucht’s photographic exploration of our abandoned past, this mixed-media show explores the “necessary refocusing of the eyes to see things in a different context, when they are no longer trash, but art.”

Jennifer Davies graduated from Rhode Island School of Design and spent a year in Rome as part of the European Honors Program. Trained as a painter and illustrator, she worked for many years in watercolors, drawing, and monotype. Now her work is largely fiber oriented, incorporating paper she makes by hand using both Eastern and Western papermaking traditions. Fiber techniques she uses are pulp dipping, indigo dyeing, and sewing papers together to make large wall hangings.

William Frucht is a photographer living in Danbury, Connecticut, and working in New Haven. His photographs have been shown in juried exhibitions in Pittsburgh, Minneapolis, New York, Lancaster, PA, Greenville, SC, and elsewhere. Locally, he has received awards from the Carriage Barn Annual Photography Show in New Canaan, The Shoreline Arts Alliance Images Show in Old Lyme, and the Parfitt Photography Exhibit of the New Hampshire Art Association, Portsmouth, NH. He has also curated two exhibits of work by the Tibetan photographer Tsering Dorje: "Forbidden Memory" at City Gallery New Haven, and "Flames of My Homeland" (co-curated with Ian Boyden and Andrew Quintman) at the Ezra and Cecile Zilkha Gallery, Wesleyan University. He has been a member of City Gallery since 2017.

Barbara Harder is a printmaker with a long history of involvement in New Haven’s arts scene as an artist, organizer, and teacher, including work at Creative Arts Workshop, Artspace, and Quinnipiac University.

Catherine Lavoie is a textile artist who explores human experience and the natural world utilizing repurposed and found objects. Recent work with bridal gowns create new life for garments that are typically worn once. Her handmade paintbrushes from pine needles and other natural elements add wispy marks to the fabric.

The MAKING AND UNMAKING exhibit is free and open to the public. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m., or by appointment. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Have you ever mistaken familiarity for comfort? Many of us live in patterns that feel “comfortable” simply because they’re familiar—but are they truly comforting?

Comfortable vs. Comforting: What’s the Difference?

I’ve had a lot of patterns and dysfunctional behaviors that were comfortable because they were so familiar, but they were not comforting. That is, they may have been easy to do but hard to get out of like a well-worn groove. These patterns were dysfunctional and didn’t lead to my wellbeing; they weren't comforting.

One of the comfortable but not comforting patterns I had that many people can identify with is eating sugar to coat my nerves. Something difficult would happen and I’d find myself at the freezer door looking for some comfort, even when I promised myself I wouldn’t.  Many of us were given sweets to treat our boo-boos when we were growing up. Food in general was the only form of love some of us experienced, so it makes sense that some of us  turn to food for comfort.

Using food to soothe your nerves might bring momentary comfort, but it erodes your wellbeing.. It’s momentarily comfortable because we get a hit of pleasure and it’s sooo familiar. Ultimately, it’s not comforting because it’s emotionally and physically unhealthy.

Another such pattern I had was ruminating about the past and catastrophizing about the future. I used to think and think and think about troublesome things. I’d relive conversations from the past, replaying them again and again as if they might somehow turn out differently if I replayed them enough. Or I’d have negative fantasies about conversations in the future: “I’m gonna say this, then she’s gonna say that, then I’ll say this…” None of these things actually happened, yet I was left with the emotional impact as if they had. And those pretend conversations impacted my relationships with the people in them, even though they never actually happened!

Until recovery, I didn't really realize I was doing all that, or that it wasn't helping! I thought I was a totally optimistic, positive person. And yet I had all these repetitive, negative thought patterns. As I began to notice how frequently I did this sort of thing, I saw how much it was harming me!

Ruminating and catastrophizing were activating my inner drug store of adrenaline and cortisol, keeping me in a state of arousal and out of the present moment. It also kept me from taking any kind of action. These were very comfortable patterns of behavior for me. I realize now that I engaged in both  my entire life. On some level, I must have figured that if I thought about things enough, I’d either change the past or prevent catastrophes in the future. Instead, I was reliving the trauma of the past and experiencing emotions from future catastrophes that hadn’t happened.

These patterns kept my body in tension and negative arousal. They also kept me inaction, which meant things never changed. All that thinking was getting me nowhere except stressed and paralyzed. So if you're doing something that's comfortable for you, I urge you to consider whether it’s comforting. Does it lead to your wellbeing? 

We are wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain (i.e., to seek comfort). However, it’s impossible to go through life without discomfort. This is especially true if we want to grow. There is discomfort that comes from stretching yourself to grow, which is different than the discomfort of dysfunction. It’s good to feel the discomfort that comes from growing, but not too much too soon. It’s not good, nor is it beneficial, to put up with the discomfort of dysfunction.

We’re constantly bombarded with messages that try to make us believe that we should feel happy and satisfied all the time, and that any discomfort is bad. Don’t get me wrong - permanent discomfort is bad. Those who grew up in a dysfunctional family often have a high tolerance for dysfunction. Personally, I put up with shit for years that I didn't have to. That is not okay and that’s not the kind of discomfort I’m talking about. 

Being okay with temporary discomfort that leads to growth is a whole different story. For example, if you need to have a difficult conversation with someone, that will be temporarily uncomfortable. But it will lead to your long-term wellbeing. When you’re able to go through a momentarily uncomfortable conversation, that will lead to the kind of life you want to live.

Actionable Steps for Real Comfort

There is a balance in terms of the level of comfort we have in our lives. It’s important to stretch out of your comfort zone and work on doing things that are comforting to yourself. They may be uncomfortable at first (especially if you have life-long pattern such as self- loathing, self-neglect or self-harm). The trick is to make the shift to doing things that are comforting like:

• taking care of yourself – get 7-8 hours of sleep per night, drink plenty of water, allow yourself time for run and relaxation
• talking kindly to yourself – look at yourself in the mirror and say something nice like you would to a friend, be gentle with yourself when you make a mistake
• setting boundaries for yourself – pick a situation where you’d normally say yes even though you want to say no and rehearse saying no in your mind. Get support from someone so you’ll actually follow through and say no in real life.
• putting yourself first – schedule one hour of time for yourself this week and follow though on it, no matter what others say or do
• reflecting on your growth – take some time to journal this week about one uncomfortable new thing you tried this week and what you learned from it.

With these types of actions, you’ll create a life that is comforting, not just comfortable. 

It’s time to leave behind the false comfort of old patterns and embrace the true comfort of a life built on self-care, growth, and kindness. The journey might be uncomfortable at first, but the freedom it brings is worth every step.

I urge you to ask yourself if  your habits are truly comforting, or just familiar? Take a moment today to reflect: What’s one “comfortable” pattern you’re ready to trade for true comfort?

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

The People’s Opening Day Rally!

The 2025 Legislative Session Opens Up on January 8 and we are inviting all supporters of social justice and families of the incarcerated to join us at the Legislative Office Building in Hartford CT at 1pm at 300 Capitol Ave Hartford CT in Room 1D.

We plan to discuss demands of our legislators this session and calling upon our elected officials to represent the needs of ALL Connecticut residents. We hope legislators, everyone with incarcerated loved ones or those impacted by the prison system can join us in our fight to strengthen the Protect Act and give the Ombudsman more power to advocate for incarcerated people.

Please share on your social media, invite other advocates and people who care.

Note: Parking is free, when you enter the building you will go through the metal detectors and you’ll be directed to the Stop Solitary CT press conference.

This image was inspired by management guru Stephen Covey who introduced the concept of Circles of Concern versus Circles of Control. I love it for so many reasons, including that it’s really helpful for visual learners.

If you want to live your life on purpose and be proactive, spend the bulk of your time, energy and attention on the light pink inner Circle of Control. However, what many of us do is spend the bulk of our time, energy, effort and thought life on the dark pink outer Circle of Concern.

I love that Covey called the outer circle the Circle of Concern because we have every right to be concerned about those things. They’re important. But we can’t control them.

When we’re proactive, we have a small Circle of Concern and a large Circle of Control. That is, we spend a lot of time and energy focused on issues that are within our control. When we’re reactive we have a large Circle of Concern and a small Circle of Control. That means we’re expending so much energy on things outside of our control that we have almost no energy left for things that are within our control.

In recovery language, we’d say the Circle of Concern is “people, places and things” and that this is a good depiction of the Serenity Prayer. We need courage to deal with the things in the light pink inner Circle of Control, and we need acceptance to deal with the dark pink Circle of Concern.

Sometimes when we’re super focused on things we cannot control, we become paralyzed and unable to act. The global economy, the environment, politics, what everyone else in the world is thinking about you – that’s a lot of stuff! It’s draining primarily because it’s out of your control, but also because there’s so much there.

When you’re so focused there, you’re probably full of anxiety (on top of being drained of energy) and you have nothing left for things over which you actually do have control.

You get to decide where you’re going to focus your attention. Will it be on your Circle of Concern or your Circle of Control? If you focus on your Circle of Control, you’ll see you have many more options in your life than you previously thought. You’ll also find that you have a LOT more energy than when you were focused on the Circle of Concern because you won’t be drained by things you can’t control.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news