Opinion Thomas L. Friedman

Jan. 28, 2025

I understand that Donald Trump was elected to better manage our borders and curb left-wing wokeism. But have no illusions: Trump’s right-wing wokeism — impugning electric vehicles and renewable energy because they don’t conform to MAGA ideology and aren’t manly enough — is as devoid of common sense and not remotely in the national interest as any left-wing cultural wokeism...

https://www.nytimes.com/2025/01/28/opinion/deepseek-ai-trump.html

Featuring Joy Bush and Tom Peterson

Two of City Gallery’s contemporary photographers — Joy Bush and Tom Peterson — will be featured in ALONE, a new photography exhibit at City Gallery, on view from January 31 - March 2. There will be an Artists Reception on Sunday, February 23, 2 p.m. to 4 p.m.

With two distinct interpretations of the concept “alone,” Bush and Peterson present a collection of images that define the solitude of objects and individuals. “I like to think of each photograph in this series as a short visual poem,” says Bush. “Each stands on its own. And yet, being part of a series, each does occasionally flirt with one nearby.”

Peterson’s series “Just Me” had its beginnings during trips to New York City. “I would walk up and down Fifth Avenue and along Central Park, and began to notice individuals who sought spaces of solitude.” His photographs illustrate their makeshift sanctuaries, and speak to a longing of private spaces within a crowded world.

Peterson is a documentary and abstract fine art’s photographer from Hamden, Connecticut. His most recent work explores both quiet, peaceful imagery and architectural images of intense color. He has received numerous awards, including twice winning First Honors at Shoreline Arts Alliance. 2019 exhibits included a solo exhibition at The Kohn Joseloff Gallery at Cheshire Academy and the New Haven Lawn Club. Tom has been a member of City Gallery since 2009.

Bush is a photographer based in Connecticut. Her work was recently featured in Unbeatable Women at the Lyman Allyn Art Museum, CT (2022) as well as solo shows Waiting (2023) at City Gallery, Home Views: Places In Never Lived (2021) at the Griffin Museum of Photography in Massachusetts, and A Holy Land In Ruins (2013) at Mattatuck Museum. Her photographs have appeared in Fraction Magazine, The Village Voice, The New York Times, Connecticut Review, and many other publications. She has exhibited in solo and group exhibits nationally including the International Center for Photography (NYC), Mattatuck Museum (CT), Lyman Allyn Art Museum (CT), Five Points Art Gallery (CT), Griffin Museum of Photography (MA), Copley Society (Boston, MA), Garrison Art Center (NY), and Umbrella Arts (NYC). Bush is represented in the permanent collections of the Cincinnati Art Museum, Mattatuck Museum, Montefiore Hospital (Bronx, NY), the Baseball Hall of Fame, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Yale Medical Group Art Place, and private collections.

The ALONE exhibit is free and open to the public. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m., or by appointment. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org or newhavencity-gallery.org.

Do you ever find yourself saying yes to things during that holiday that you secretly dread? Maybe it’s the family tradition you’ve never enjoyed, or the pressure to keep everyone else happy at the expense of your own peace and sanity. What if this year could be different?

The Pressure to Conform: Why We Do Things We Don’t Want To.

It’s especially common that we do things we no longer want to do, or maybe never wanted to do, with our families. The pressure can be very high to conform because “this is what we’ve always done” as a family.

We end up agreeing to things we don’t really want to do, wearing ourselves out, not giving ourselves the rest we need, and then getting resentful. I’m going to illustrate how we might handle this based on a story from a client a few years back. This particular scenario happened the day before Thanksgiving when she was set to spend several days with her family. It’s a very rich example of what it can be like for you when you start setting boundaries with family. It also busts some of the myths about boundaries.

Claudia’s Story: Living on Purpose.

The scenario is that Claudia (not her real name) backed out of a family hike because “I hate hiking and needed alone time.” She went on to say, “I was able to let them know I just need some alone time and they should go on without me.” She told me that the experience was “so freeing, and I'm so enjoying soaking up these quiet hours alone. If I hadn't done this, I don't think I would have been very pleasant on the hike or at dinner tonight. But now I'll be rested up and ready to talk all evening. Thank you for teaching me how to do this gracefully.”

This is what I would call living your life on purpose!

What Healthy Boundaries Look Like.

Now I’m going to go through what she said and unpack it to show how important it is to develop healthy boundaries if you want to live on purpose. 

Claudia backed out of a family hike because she hates hiking. She never liked going on family hikes but did them anyway. She let them know, “This is who I am - someone who does not like hiking.” This is what boundaries enable us to do, they help us to figure out who we are so we can tell other people who that is.

She let them know she was backing out of hiking that one time, but also that she didn’t enjoy hiking and never had. She let them know the truth about herself, perhaps for the first time ever. That meant she not only did not have to do something she didn't like doing, she broke a dysfunctional pattern with her family. Building healthy boundaries helped her realize she doesn't have to keep doing things she doesn't like doing with her family.

She told them they should go on without her. In other words, she didn’t want to stop them from enjoying hiking. She also let them know that she needed alone time. The way she handled this meant not going on a hike and taking alone time. The result was that she didn’t have the detrimental effect of doing something she didn’t want to do, and she got the benefit of doing something she actually likes to do, resting.

Many of us do not allow ourselves to rest enough. Like Claudia, I’ve learned the value of rest. I’ve definitely been guilty of not resting enough, and have been on a campaign over the last few months to build in more rest. I’m no longer taking potential client calls or recording my podcast on weekends, both of which I’ve done for years. Now, the only time I’ll work on weekends is if I have a speaking engagement. Weekends are now for resting, connecting with others, and getting some chores done. Not work.

We often don’t allow ourselves alone time to refuel. Perhaps because it feels like it’s selfish, or maybe like we’re being unproductive. Personally, I LOVE the feeling of being productive and having a sense of accomplishment. I just had an insight this morning that I’m now going to reframe my leisure time as productive time (I get to dream and tap into my imagination, as well as rest) and when I set aside that time it feels like I’ve accomplished something I set out to do.

So when Claudia didn’t have to hike and got to spend time alone resting, it was almost like she got double the fuel in her tank. She didn't get drained from hiking and she got to be alone to refuel by soaking up those quiet hours alone. The result was that instead of a tank running on empty (or possibly with negative fuel), she ended up with a tank that was full. 

Claudia also said, “If I hadn't done this, I don't think I would have been very pleasant on the hike or at dinner tonight.” She knew she would probably have been resentful and acted like a dick if she’d gone on the hike and didn’t allow herself to rest. 

Resentment and irritability are signals that you need to set a boundary.

Busting Common Myths about Boundaries.

One of the myths about boundaries is that you have to be a dick about them. I think people believe that because in the past, they've waited to set a boundary until they were pushed way past their limit so they explode. And it works! So they think that’s what it takes to set boundaries, you have to be a dick about it for people to respect your boundaries. Having healthy boundaries means that we don't allow ourselves to get to the point where we’re resentful. We notify people way before we get to the edge.

Another thing Claudia said was, “Now I'll be rested up and ready to talk all evening.” She realized that she could be fully present with her family with no resentment because she set a boundary with them.

This tackles another myth that people have about boundaries, which is that they put distance or build walls between us and other people. What Claudia experienced was that by own not engaging in an activity she dislikes and giving herself time to relax, she was able to be fully present with her family. She was rested, energized pleasant, and “ready to talk all night long.” That doesn’t sound like putting up a wall at all! That sounds like a connection.

Instead of the boundary putting distance between her and her family, it made her more available to them. 

Reclaiming Your Time and Energy

At the end, Claudia mentioned that I’d taught her how to do this gracefully. That’s because in our coaching, she got clear on what’s important to her; what she wants, likes, needs, and prefers; what’s okay and not okay with her so she can express those things to others.

Through the empowered communication methods I taught her, she took responsibility for getting her own needs met instead of resenting others for not meeting her needs. She realized she doesn't need to people-please her family and act like she likes hiking when she doesn't. 

Just like Claudia, you get to tell your family things like, “I need alone time” or “I don’t want to spend every day of the holiday week visiting everyone else, I want to stay home for a couple of days.” Or whatever else you’d like your holiday season to be like. 

You don’t have to be ON all the time we’re with our families. We get to enjoy the holidays the way WE want to! In fact, we get to enjoy our time all year long doing things we want to.

Imagine if Claudia had gone for the hike and was kind of a dick on the hike and got drained from the hike and not resting. She probably would have been a jerk all evening and that probably would have carried over into the Thanksgiving Day, not to mention the long drive home with her sister. 

Instead, she told them who she was (i.e., a woman who doesn't like hiking and needs alone time to refuel). She honored herself as that person. Because she did that, she was well-rested and able to talk all night with her family. She was able to be fully present with them for the Thanksgiving celebration as well as the ride home with her sister. She really said that boundaries help us get closer to people, not farther. 

Boundaries aren’t about keeping people out; they’re about inviting yourself in. By honoring your own needs, you create space for connection., joy, and authenticity – not just during the ho lidays but all year long.

So, what’s one small boundary you could set this week to honor your needs? Start with something small and notice how it impacts your energy and relationships.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

During a prayer service at Washington's National Cathedral Tuesday, the Episcopal bishop of Washington directly confronted President Trump while he and Vice President J.D. Vance were seated in the front row...

https://www.npr.org/2025/01/21/nx-s1-5270031/bishop-confronts-trump-during-sermon-at-inaugural-prayer-service

I help overwhelmed people-pleasers say no without guilt and shame so they can finally put themselves first and stop stressing over what others think. I do this for a few reasons.

1. That was me! I didn’t even I know was a people pleaser. I thought I was just “nice.” When I first heard the term people pleaser in recovery, I didn't think it applied to me. I remember thinking of another friend and I was like,  “Ohh yeah …she's a people pleaser!” This just goes to show how much denial I was in about myself.
2. Guilt and shame are the main reasons people don't set boundaries or cave on their boundaries. This was true for me and I think I can safely say it’s true for all of my clients.
3. The reason that we have such difficulty saying no is because we care way more about what other people think than what we think. In other words, we're completely focused on other people and what they're doing (or not doing). You’re not going to have a powerful living experience when you never concentrate on your own life and are always focused on people's lives. It’s just not possible. You have to actually LEAD your own life. No one else will do it for you.
4. Women have internalized the message that “selfish” is about the worst thing in the world you can be (I had a client say “I’d rather be called a whore than selfish.” WTF??). They’re terrified of being seen as selfish. First of all, if you’ve been a lifelong people pleaser, you’re NOT going to turn into a selfish person, it’s not in your nature. Secondly, paying attention to yourself, taking care of yourself, and doing things that bring you pleasure and energy are not selfish. You have one life to live, so live YOUR life, not the lives of others. This doesn’t mean we’re not helpful and generous, it means we’re helpful and generous in ways that are sustainable, not draining.

Some of the main fears I see in clients and prospective clients are that they’re afraid to upset others and that people won’t like them. They’re afraid they’ll have to confront someone and have difficult conversations and maybe come to be seen as selfish. They don’t want to be abandoned, rejected, or judged. They’re probably also afraid that if they keep things up the way they are, they’ll get burnt out by taking on too much and that they won’t live up to what they know they’re capable of and what they’re meant to do in the world. They get stuck in a cycle of giving in to others, leaving little room for their own needs—if they even know what those are. 

They’ve probably been on a personal development journey for decades and know all the things they “should” be doing but just can’t get themselves to DO them! Second-guessing themselves keeps them stuck, unable to set boundaries or make decisions. They end up taking on way too much, then get resentful and eventually explode. Typically, it works when they explode – people listen to them and respect their limits, so they think “This is how it works – I have to be a dick for people to listen to me.” And because they hate when others get upset with them, want to be liked, and don’t want to be a dick, they just give in (again) to what others want. That means they don’t ever figure out what they really want because they’re so afraid to make waves and they go along to keep the peace. The result is that they haven’t allowed themselves to explore their own interests.

For all these reasons and more, it’s exceedingly difficult for them to say no, especially with very specific people. That could be family members, themselves, close friends, and/or, authority figures. They don’t really know themselves, which means they don’t know what’s okay and not okay with them because they’ve been such a chameleon. They have this belief that it’s not okay to set limits with others and it makes them a bad person if they do. 

They think if they had just the right words to say, they’d be able to get people to do what they want. And if people would do what they want, things would go much more smoothly. But it goes much deeper than knowing the right words. It’s about believing they deserve to have their needs met, their feelings honored and their limits respected. Even if they DID have the right words, they would know how to handle pushback when they set a boundary because deep down, they don’t believe they deserve to set limits.

They also have an exceedingly difficult time asking for help, if they can do it at all. When they even think of asking for help, they might feel like they’re gonna die (that was me – no exaggeration!). They don’t want to be seen as needy or weak or a burden. They probably have a history of family dysfunction or childhood trauma, which makes focusing on themselves and believing they’re deserving almost impossible.

The reality is that things will never improve until they stop putting everyone else first. In order to create a breakthrough to get the life and relationships they truly want, they have to stop ignoring themselves and start focusing internally. This allows them to determine what they truly value, so they know what’s okay and not okay with them. Then they can communicate that to others in an empowered way, including knowing how to handle it when people push back.

Here's what you can do.

Take time to get to know what you really want out of life. I suggest you start by identifying your values. What matters to you? Those answers will guide you toward the type of decisions you want to make and the types of boundaries you need to set. If your health is important to you, then you’ll want to dedicate time, energy, and money toward your health (i.e., set boundaries to promote and support your health).

Start focusing internally and reduce how much you focus on other people, places, and things. This is especially important if you’re more invested in other people’s well-being than they are in their own well-being. If you’re more invested in someone else’s wellbeing than in YOUR own wellbeing, that’s a red flag. I suggest focusing internally by asking what you want or need in a particular situation; what you could do differently in situations that don’t go the way you want; and whether it’s really your business to step in and help others or offer advice. If not, get their consent before offering help, or better yet – wait for them to ask for your help; stop trying to manage others’ feelings, they get to be upset sometimes, it’s not your job to make them happy; take good care of yourself by filling your own cup first so you can pour from the overflow, not from an empty cup.

If you recognize yourself in this article and are tired of reading all the books, attending all the seminars, listening to all the podcasts and you lack the ability to follow through for yourself, I’ve got you! If you recognize that now’s the time for you to change your ways, I can help. I’ll take you through a structured program of action and give you tons of personalized professional boundaries coaching. If that’s you, sign up for a free call with me here. Let’s make 2025 the year you FINALLY do this for yourself and live the life you’ve imagined!

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

The Progreso Latino Fund and Long Wharf Theater invite you to join us on Wednesday, January 29th, 2025, for a special pre-show reception of Long Wharf's production of El Coqui Espectacular and The Bottle of Doom.

The pre-event reception is free, and the performance is a ticketed event (purchase through Long Wharf Theater website). 

Details:

Date - Wednesday, January 29, 2025

Location - Lyman Center at Southern Connecticut State University, 501 Crescent St, New Haven

Time - 6 pm - pre-show reception. 7 pm - performance

Plenty of free parking

The play follows iconic Puerto Rican superhero, El Coquí Espectacular, along the streets of Sunset Park, Brooklyn, where he finds himself up against supervillains and inner demons alike. Behind the mask lies Alex, a struggling comic book artist with a secret identity of his own. As he grapples with self-doubt and the lure of a steady job in advertising alongside his brother Joe, Alex must navigate the challenges of being a hero both on and off the page. This work is an exhilarating journey filled with action, humor and heart. The playwright, Matt Bardot, is Puerto Rican. 

Registration for the reception is required. Please go to :

Registration - hosted by GiveGab

We hope to see you there. 

Featuring Jennifer Davies, William Frucht, Barbara Harder, Catherine Lavoie

Author Jonathan Swift’s famous quote “everything old is new again” plays out in interesting, creative ways in the January group show at City Gallery. MAKING AND UNMAKING — featuring work by Jennifer Davies, William Frucht, Barbara Harder, and Catherine Lavoie — presents the repurposing of what was into an eclectic exhibit of textiles, fiber art and handmade papers, prints, and photography. The show is on view from January 3 - January 26, with an Opening Reception on Saturday, January 11, 2-4 p.m. (Snow date: Saturday, January 18, 2-4 p.m.)

From Davies’ reuse of “that which is not deemed precious” and Lavoie’s consideration of discarded stories, to Frucht’s photographic exploration of our abandoned past, this mixed-media show explores the “necessary refocusing of the eyes to see things in a different context, when they are no longer trash, but art.”

Jennifer Davies graduated from Rhode Island School of Design and spent a year in Rome as part of the European Honors Program. Trained as a painter and illustrator, she worked for many years in watercolors, drawing, and monotype. Now her work is largely fiber oriented, incorporating paper she makes by hand using both Eastern and Western papermaking traditions. Fiber techniques she uses are pulp dipping, indigo dyeing, and sewing papers together to make large wall hangings.

William Frucht is a photographer living in Danbury, Connecticut, and working in New Haven. His photographs have been shown in juried exhibitions in Pittsburgh, Minneapolis, New York, Lancaster, PA, Greenville, SC, and elsewhere. Locally, he has received awards from the Carriage Barn Annual Photography Show in New Canaan, The Shoreline Arts Alliance Images Show in Old Lyme, and the Parfitt Photography Exhibit of the New Hampshire Art Association, Portsmouth, NH. He has also curated two exhibits of work by the Tibetan photographer Tsering Dorje: "Forbidden Memory" at City Gallery New Haven, and "Flames of My Homeland" (co-curated with Ian Boyden and Andrew Quintman) at the Ezra and Cecile Zilkha Gallery, Wesleyan University. He has been a member of City Gallery since 2017.

Barbara Harder is a printmaker with a long history of involvement in New Haven’s arts scene as an artist, organizer, and teacher, including work at Creative Arts Workshop, Artspace, and Quinnipiac University.

Catherine Lavoie is a textile artist who explores human experience and the natural world utilizing repurposed and found objects. Recent work with bridal gowns create new life for garments that are typically worn once. Her handmade paintbrushes from pine needles and other natural elements add wispy marks to the fabric.

The MAKING AND UNMAKING exhibit is free and open to the public. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m., or by appointment. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Have you ever mistaken familiarity for comfort? Many of us live in patterns that feel “comfortable” simply because they’re familiar—but are they truly comforting?

Comfortable vs. Comforting: What’s the Difference?

I’ve had a lot of patterns and dysfunctional behaviors that were comfortable because they were so familiar, but they were not comforting. That is, they may have been easy to do but hard to get out of like a well-worn groove. These patterns were dysfunctional and didn’t lead to my wellbeing; they weren't comforting.

One of the comfortable but not comforting patterns I had that many people can identify with is eating sugar to coat my nerves. Something difficult would happen and I’d find myself at the freezer door looking for some comfort, even when I promised myself I wouldn’t.  Many of us were given sweets to treat our boo-boos when we were growing up. Food in general was the only form of love some of us experienced, so it makes sense that some of us  turn to food for comfort.

Using food to soothe your nerves might bring momentary comfort, but it erodes your wellbeing.. It’s momentarily comfortable because we get a hit of pleasure and it’s sooo familiar. Ultimately, it’s not comforting because it’s emotionally and physically unhealthy.

Another such pattern I had was ruminating about the past and catastrophizing about the future. I used to think and think and think about troublesome things. I’d relive conversations from the past, replaying them again and again as if they might somehow turn out differently if I replayed them enough. Or I’d have negative fantasies about conversations in the future: “I’m gonna say this, then she’s gonna say that, then I’ll say this…” None of these things actually happened, yet I was left with the emotional impact as if they had. And those pretend conversations impacted my relationships with the people in them, even though they never actually happened!

Until recovery, I didn't really realize I was doing all that, or that it wasn't helping! I thought I was a totally optimistic, positive person. And yet I had all these repetitive, negative thought patterns. As I began to notice how frequently I did this sort of thing, I saw how much it was harming me!

Ruminating and catastrophizing were activating my inner drug store of adrenaline and cortisol, keeping me in a state of arousal and out of the present moment. It also kept me from taking any kind of action. These were very comfortable patterns of behavior for me. I realize now that I engaged in both  my entire life. On some level, I must have figured that if I thought about things enough, I’d either change the past or prevent catastrophes in the future. Instead, I was reliving the trauma of the past and experiencing emotions from future catastrophes that hadn’t happened.

These patterns kept my body in tension and negative arousal. They also kept me inaction, which meant things never changed. All that thinking was getting me nowhere except stressed and paralyzed. So if you're doing something that's comfortable for you, I urge you to consider whether it’s comforting. Does it lead to your wellbeing? 

We are wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain (i.e., to seek comfort). However, it’s impossible to go through life without discomfort. This is especially true if we want to grow. There is discomfort that comes from stretching yourself to grow, which is different than the discomfort of dysfunction. It’s good to feel the discomfort that comes from growing, but not too much too soon. It’s not good, nor is it beneficial, to put up with the discomfort of dysfunction.

We’re constantly bombarded with messages that try to make us believe that we should feel happy and satisfied all the time, and that any discomfort is bad. Don’t get me wrong - permanent discomfort is bad. Those who grew up in a dysfunctional family often have a high tolerance for dysfunction. Personally, I put up with shit for years that I didn't have to. That is not okay and that’s not the kind of discomfort I’m talking about. 

Being okay with temporary discomfort that leads to growth is a whole different story. For example, if you need to have a difficult conversation with someone, that will be temporarily uncomfortable. But it will lead to your long-term wellbeing. When you’re able to go through a momentarily uncomfortable conversation, that will lead to the kind of life you want to live.

Actionable Steps for Real Comfort

There is a balance in terms of the level of comfort we have in our lives. It’s important to stretch out of your comfort zone and work on doing things that are comforting to yourself. They may be uncomfortable at first (especially if you have life-long pattern such as self- loathing, self-neglect or self-harm). The trick is to make the shift to doing things that are comforting like:

• taking care of yourself – get 7-8 hours of sleep per night, drink plenty of water, allow yourself time for run and relaxation
• talking kindly to yourself – look at yourself in the mirror and say something nice like you would to a friend, be gentle with yourself when you make a mistake
• setting boundaries for yourself – pick a situation where you’d normally say yes even though you want to say no and rehearse saying no in your mind. Get support from someone so you’ll actually follow through and say no in real life.
• putting yourself first – schedule one hour of time for yourself this week and follow though on it, no matter what others say or do
• reflecting on your growth – take some time to journal this week about one uncomfortable new thing you tried this week and what you learned from it.

With these types of actions, you’ll create a life that is comforting, not just comfortable. 

It’s time to leave behind the false comfort of old patterns and embrace the true comfort of a life built on self-care, growth, and kindness. The journey might be uncomfortable at first, but the freedom it brings is worth every step.

I urge you to ask yourself if  your habits are truly comforting, or just familiar? Take a moment today to reflect: What’s one “comfortable” pattern you’re ready to trade for true comfort?

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

The People’s Opening Day Rally!

The 2025 Legislative Session Opens Up on January 8 and we are inviting all supporters of social justice and families of the incarcerated to join us at the Legislative Office Building in Hartford CT at 1pm at 300 Capitol Ave Hartford CT in Room 1D.

We plan to discuss demands of our legislators this session and calling upon our elected officials to represent the needs of ALL Connecticut residents. We hope legislators, everyone with incarcerated loved ones or those impacted by the prison system can join us in our fight to strengthen the Protect Act and give the Ombudsman more power to advocate for incarcerated people.

Please share on your social media, invite other advocates and people who care.

Note: Parking is free, when you enter the building you will go through the metal detectors and you’ll be directed to the Stop Solitary CT press conference.

This image was inspired by management guru Stephen Covey who introduced the concept of Circles of Concern versus Circles of Control. I love it for so many reasons, including that it’s really helpful for visual learners.

If you want to live your life on purpose and be proactive, spend the bulk of your time, energy and attention on the light pink inner Circle of Control. However, what many of us do is spend the bulk of our time, energy, effort and thought life on the dark pink outer Circle of Concern.

I love that Covey called the outer circle the Circle of Concern because we have every right to be concerned about those things. They’re important. But we can’t control them.

When we’re proactive, we have a small Circle of Concern and a large Circle of Control. That is, we spend a lot of time and energy focused on issues that are within our control. When we’re reactive we have a large Circle of Concern and a small Circle of Control. That means we’re expending so much energy on things outside of our control that we have almost no energy left for things that are within our control.

In recovery language, we’d say the Circle of Concern is “people, places and things” and that this is a good depiction of the Serenity Prayer. We need courage to deal with the things in the light pink inner Circle of Control, and we need acceptance to deal with the dark pink Circle of Concern.

Sometimes when we’re super focused on things we cannot control, we become paralyzed and unable to act. The global economy, the environment, politics, what everyone else in the world is thinking about you – that’s a lot of stuff! It’s draining primarily because it’s out of your control, but also because there’s so much there.

When you’re so focused there, you’re probably full of anxiety (on top of being drained of energy) and you have nothing left for things over which you actually do have control.

You get to decide where you’re going to focus your attention. Will it be on your Circle of Concern or your Circle of Control? If you focus on your Circle of Control, you’ll see you have many more options in your life than you previously thought. You’ll also find that you have a LOT more energy than when you were focused on the Circle of Concern because you won’t be drained by things you can’t control.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

The Community Foundation for Greater New Haven is seeking a qualified candidate for the position of Database Manager. The application deadline is January 17, 2024. For more information and to apply, click here.

King sized mattress (used 3 days) - donor wants to give it away in the next nine days.  It's in Hamden. Reach out to me if you want it.

Photo Credit: Abi Ismail

Most of us have heard by now that there’s a difference between our intentions and the impact of our behavior. If you break someone’s leg because you were trying to help them move a ladder, they don’t really care that you were “just trying to help.” They only care that their leg is broken!

People don’t care what your intentions are, they care about the impact of your behavior. That is, they care about the result that you’ve created in their life. However, your intentions make all the difference in the world to you. Your intentions determine the type of energy you bring to whatever it is you're doing. That impacts you psychologically and emotionally. Intentions are very similar to motives, and our motives matter enormously. 

In other words, there’s a difference between the external impact of your behavior (broken leg) and the internal impact (trying to help from a place of caring). 

Here’s an example of motives from my people-pleasing years. Until I got into recovery, I didn't understand that my people-pleasing behaviors were about trying to control and manipulate others. I was trying to control what they thought of me by manipulating them into being pleased with me. Sometimes I was trying to be helpful so things would go my way. My underlying motive was to manipulate and control outcomes and/or people’s opinions of me. I can see this with crystal clarity now, but I was completely blind to these motives back when I was doing all that.

My motives were disguised as helpfulness. I thought I was helpful because I was “nice.” I didn’t realize that my primary motive was to get people to think good things of me and/or to get my way. This knowledge has led me to one of my most important questions when trying to understand what the “right” thing to do is: What are my motives? Why am I doing this?

Here’s an illustration. I had a sponsor who said to me, “It used to be that I made you a cup of coffee because I wanted you to like me. Now I make you a cup of coffee because God wants me to be a good, kind person, and I want to live a God-centered life. Either way, you get coffee.” The impact is that the person gets coffee in both cases. But her motives, her intentions, were completely different in each case. 

If we think intentions don't matter, just impact matters we’re thinking in a shortsighted manner. That type of thinking doesn't address the internal impact on the person who’s taking the action. When I was being helpful to people to manipulate and control them,  the impact was they got helped. Now when I help people because I want to be helpful,  people still get helped. The impact may very well be the same to the person getting helped in both of those cases. But from my perspective, I’m living in line with my principles when I help with the intention of truly being helpful. I'm being honest with myself about what I'm doing and why.

When I was people-pleasing, I didn't understand why I was doing what I was doing.  I couldn’t consciously see that I was manipulative and controlling. My intentions mattered to me psychically, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually. It “fragmented” me to have unspoken and impure intentions. 

Impact absolutely matters. But it’s not just your impact on the external world that matters, the impact on your internal world matters too. Intention is the thing that determines how your behavior impacts you internally. 

Photo Credit: Andrej Lisakov

Most of us spend a lot of time wishing others would change. We feel frustrated, powerless, and stuck when they don't. But what if the real key to change lies not in them, but in us?

The way to change other people's behavior is by changing the way we behave towards them.

Let’s be honest, what we all want is for other people to change. One of the greatest gifts of 12-step recovery is that we really, deeply internalize the message that we can’t change others. We forget all the time though, that’s what the Serenity Prayer is said at the beginning and end of many 12-step meetings – because we forget.

We need the help of a Higher Power to get the wisdom to know the difference between the things we can and cannot change because it's so hard to keep this in mind. Then, once we get that wisdom, we might need the help of a Higher Power to accept the things we cannot change. Not accepting them is where the pain comes from. It's not what other people are doing that causes us pain, it's that we believe it shouldn't be happening. That’s why acceptance is so important. To be clear, acceptance doesn't mean that we like or want what happened. It means we stop fighting against it.

Here's what acceptance can look like. I want my brother to talk more quietly and to stop talking about politics. I requested both of these things many, many times and he’s literally incapable of them. I realized that this is who he is and what he’s like. So rather than trying to get him to stop, I decided to accept “This is what he’s like, so I have to change me.” I changed my attitude to “he’s going to talk really loud about politics” and decided I’d leave when that happened. Instead of staying and fighting against what is, I accepted it and left when it became uncomfortable for me.

When it comes to things we can change, we might need the help of a Higher Power to get the courage to actually make that change because change is hard. But of course, it's possible, no matter how hard it may be. 

The problem for so many of us comes when we're trying to change the things we cannot: other people, places, and things. When we focus so much on those things outside ourselves, we lose sight of changing the things we can: our behavior, thinking,  feelings, beliefs,  goals, and dreams.

We cannot change other people, but we can influence people.

When you change the dynamics of your interactions with others, things change between the two of you. You've changed your end of the interaction. 

One of the sayings I learned in recovery is that you can't have a tug of war with someone when you don't pick up the rope, or when you let go of the rope. Another similar metaphor is that when you change the steps of the dance you’re doing with your partner, they must either change their steps or exit the dance. These both represent the idea that changing your behavior influences the behavior of the other person. That’s how it works.

I’ve seen this time and time again in my own life, in the lives of my sponsees and my clients. Here’s an example from a sponsee of mine in recovery. She got a call from her dad just to see how she was doing. This had never happened before. They both said, “I love you” at the end of the call. When she told me this, she couldn’t believe this was the relationship they have now! For most of her 45 years of life,  she believed her dad was the center and cause of all of her problems. 

She told me, “My dad is not in recovery, HE hasn’t changed, but I have.” She stopped blaming him for everything, took ownership of what was hers to own, and accepted that this was the guy she got as a father, not someone else. Those actions translated into a much more peaceful and loving relationship with her father after 45 years. She’s the one who changed the steps of the dance with her father.

Here are some ways you can change the steps of your dance with others.

• Start telling the truth about what you want, need, think, and feel, and about what’s okay with you and not okay with you. 
• Ask for help from the people you always help. This lets them know that they have something to offer to you too. This could be advice, assistance with a task, or a ride somewhere.
• When someone says something about you that you disagree with, respond with, “That may be so” or “I see things differently” rather than getting defensive and saying, “That’s not true!”
• Let go of your expectations of others. Let them be who they are without trying to get them to change.
• Stand firm when you say no to someone. Just keep repeating, “That doesn’t work for me” or “I’m not going to make it” no matter how many times they try to cajole you into changing your mind. Expect that they’re going to do that, especially if they always have. Be ready for it and stand firm.
• Be really kind and supportive of yourself. When you get your own validation, you won’t need it so much from others. That will change the way you interact with them because you won’t be trying to extract love, affirmation, or assurance from them all the time.

What patterns or “dances” in your relationships have been causing tension? How might changing your own behavior shift those dynamics?

When I started changing the steps in my dances,  I often felt like I was going to die. I’d actually tell myself, “I didn’t die” afterward to reinforce for myself that I had a new experience so it would get logged into my memory banks. I now had evidence that the feeling I was going to die was inaccurate. It got easier and easier over time. I got less and less scared about doing new things.

It can be helpful when you’re changing your ways to others who literally or metaphorically hold your hand through the process. Having social support for your new behaviors can be a game-changer!

Think of one recurring conflict or dynamic in your life. Decide on one way you’ll change your behavior this week—whether it’s setting a boundary, asking for help, or simply letting go of expectations. Email me to share your experience, and let’s celebrate your growth together!

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

United Way of Greater New Haven has 2 brand new open positions we would like to fill.

Coordinated Access Network (CAN) Entry Coordinator

https://recruiting.paylocity.com/Recruiting/Jobs/Details/2899432

Database and Gift Processing Specialist

https://recruiting.paylocity.com/Recruiting/Jobs/Details/2880554

The Yale Peabody Museum is working on a five year strategic plan. Please fill out this brief survey and help us think about the values, priorities and goals that will shape the future of the museum.

https://yalesurvey.ca1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_87h0gPvMyreZTeu

Photo Credit: Susan Wilkinson

What if I told you that I spent most of my life afraid—without even realizing it? 

I was mainly afraid of being judged by other people, and perhaps rejected or abandoned. But I’ve discovered something that changed my perspective: I am flawed—and that’s awesome. I call it being flawesome.

One way I tried to avoid judgment was by acting like I could afford things that really weren’t in my budget. As a result I ended up wracking up a bunch of credit card debt. By the time my student loans came due in 1999, I was unable to handle all that debt and ended up declaring bankruptcy.

What’s interesting is that I didn’t even realize I was mired in fear.  I always felt like a powerful woman of agency. I wasn’t afraid to go out alone at night like many women. Going through the 12-steps of recovery showed me that I was riddled with fear and many of my actions and decisions were motivated by fear. Specifically, they were to avoid being judged, abandoned and rejected.

I’m not a perfectionist, but I definitely had perfectionistic tendencies. One area where that became evident as I was doing the 12 steps was while journaling. Even though I never go back to and read my journals, and no one else ever reads them I didn’t allow myself to make errors while journaling. I’d stop and make corrections to spelling, grammar, punctuation, capitalization. If I wrote “shed” instead of “she’d” I wouldn’t allow that to stand as is, I had to correct it!

I can see now that I had this idea, buried deeply in my subconscious, that I shouldn't have flaws. I’m not sure how I internalized that idea, but it became clear to me as I got farther into 12 step recovery that I believed I was supposed to have answers, know the right thing to say and not make mistakes. Of course, I’m a human being who has flaws, so I tried to hide them and keep them secret. On some level I sort of hated myself for having flaws (or at least I hated my flaws). That is, I judged myself for being flawed.

Truth be told, I was also judging all of you and the world for being flawed too! I wanted the world to be different than it was. That pertained to things like traffic, the education system, the people around me,  and other things that weren’t working the way I wanted them to. That meant I was pissed off much of time.

As a result, created a whole bunch of different facades to hide behind in an effort to avoid being judged, rejected or abandoned. Creating all those facades caused me to become fragmented. To be sure, there were other things that contributed to my fragmentation as well (e.g., being dishonest). Recovery helped me to integrate all of the fragments into a coherent whole and get rid of the fragments that weren't authentically “me.”

One pivotal shift I made in recovery was coming to understand that I care way more what other people thought of me than what I thought of myself. I was willing to wrack up debt because of what others thought of me, but ignored what that debt was doing to me. Until I couldn’t anymore when the student loans came due. 

I eventually came to care more what I think of me than what others do. This  does not mean I don’t care at all what other think. It means I’m no longer willing to put myself in harm’s way or to compromise my integrity. I want people’s approval, but I don’t need it the way I used to. This change has been at the core of my ability to build and maintain healthy boundaries: I’m way more focused on what I think of myself than what others think of me.

One concept in particular helped me enormously on my journey from fragmented to whole, which is the concept of being

FLAWESOME

Being flawesome means that we are both flawed and awesome. They’re not mutually exclusive concepts. We’re flawed in our awesomeness and we’re awesome in our flawedness. The idea that you’re either flawed or awesome but can’t be both is the epitome of black and white thinking. 

Part of what makes me a unique person is my flaws. If I didn't have these flaws, I would never have my made my way into recovery, achieved the deep and profound life changes and become a podcaster, coaching and speaker. Now I'm grateful for my flaws.

That was definitely not the case in the past! I was a very defensive person because I didn’t want people to see behind my facades. For example, if someone pointed out a flaw like when I made a mistake, I’d act like I didn't make a mistake (which is ridiculous). I’d deny or distract as a way to take attention away from the mistake.

I didn't know what I was doing that at the time, I can only see it in retrospect. Now when I make a mistake, even if it’s in public, I say, “Oops!”  which is a pretty dramatic shift. Saying “ oops” acknowledges my mistake, but it's lighthearted. It's not, “Oh my God!! I can't believe I did that!! They’re gonna think I’m an idiot!!”

So I love this word flawesome and think of it frequently, especially when coaching clients. It’s perfectly normal to be flawed. It doesn't mean that you're not awesome. It’s a great concept for people who have grandiose thinking and for people who think they're the worst pieces of shit that ever walked the planet. It moves us out of the black and white thinking into both/and thinking. 

Now when I’m journaling and make a mistake, I let it go. I sometimes also giggle at the freedom I feel from allowing myself to make a mistake on something that really doesn’t matter. I also sometimes send emails and create social media posts that aren’t capitalized or don’t have proper grammar. It feels freeing to allow myself to relax in my life and embody the fact that I am flawesome. 

So let’s stop striving for perfection. Let’s be flawesome together. I challenge you to say “Oops!” out loud to yourself the next time you make a mistake. Let me know when that happens and what it does for you. Drop me an email here.\

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

Painting, photography, video, and installation art by Sue Rollins, Maria Markham

When old friends Sue Rollins and Maria Markham’s paths crossed again earlier this year, they found a great commonality in the work they were producing. The result of that reconnection is ALTERED LANDSCAPES, a collaboration by the two artists that presents a statement about climate change and how we might all work together to save our planet. The exhibit is on view at City Gallery from December 6 - December 28, with an Opening Reception on Saturday, December 7, 4-6 p.m. and an Artists Talk on Sunday, December 15, 2-3 p.m.

“We believe that communicating through art, and remaining active and engaged, are positive steps forward,” says City Gallery member artist Sue Rollins.

Combining painting, photography, video, and installation art, the exhibit seeks to imagine a way through our current precarities. As Maria Markham explains:

“We don’t know what the future will hold but through art, we imagine one that thrives, that provides sustenance for humans and non-humans alike, and that achieves ecological balance. As artists, with our eyes wide open, we seek to excavate possibilities and divine the edge of other futures.

Rollins agrees, saying, “Collective action, belief in the power of community engagement and commitment to creating a sustainable future are our tools. By making conscious choices in our everyday lives, remaining engaged and optimistic, let us work together to imagine and create an altered landscape that is full of possibility and hope.”

Sue Rollins is a Connecticut-based painter and printmaker. Her recent work combines traditional landscape painting with abstract expressionist elements, addressing our environmental challenges with altered landscapes or windows into the past and future, creating art that is both peaceful and chaotic. Her long career as a graphic designer and love for typography and the printed word continues to inform her work in unexpected ways. She is a member of City Gallery, Silvermine Guild of Artists, and is an elected member of Art League Rhode Island and Connecticut Women Artists. Her work was chosen for the 2024 Silvermine 74th A-One show, and she was the recipient of the Samuel and May Rudin Award at the 2024 Greenwich Art Society Summer Exhibit, juried by Lauren Rosati of the Met Modern. Her work has been featured in galleries and museums in New England and Florida, including Galatea Fine Art in Boston, Five Points Gallery in Torrington, Mattatuck Museum in Waterbury, Creative Arts Workshop in New Haven and University Gallery in Gainesville, FL. She received a BFA from the University of Florida and studied with abstract expressionist Hiram Williams and printmaker Ken Kerslake.

Maria Markham works primarily in installation, sculpture, photography and video. Her work focuses on ecologies and the climate crisis, immigration, the failures of capitalism, and the socio-cultural anxieties and upheavals that mark contemporary life. Her artwork has been featured nationally and internationally in exhibits at The Invisible Dog, Brooklyn, NY, Ely Center of Contemporary Art, CT, Accent Sisters, NJ, Pollinator Gallery, PA, School of Visual Arts, NY and The Alternative Art School, along with venues in Latvia, Estonia, Ireland and England. She is a member of the Nua Collaborative. Markham’s practice is amplified by over 30 years’ work in the nonprofit sector with diverse groups and communities. She holds a B.S. from Trinity College Dublin and a Masters in Nonprofit Management from Brandeis University. Markham (b. Dublin, Ireland) lives and works in New Haven, CT. She recently completed an MFA at the School for Visual Arts in New York.

The ALTERED LANDSCAPES exhibit is free and open to the public. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m., or by appointment. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.