https://newhavenvision2034.com/ 

How to Purify the Well: From Negative Self-Talk to Loving Yourself

If you’ve heard me speak before, you may remember this metaphor: negative self-talk is like poison in the well. It seeps into everything. And when we stop the self-hate, the guilt, the critical voice in our heads, it’s like we stop adding more poison to that well.

But if we want to actually purify that well, not just stop the damage but actively heal it, we have to do more. That’s where affirmations come in. They act like a fast-track filtration system for your inner world.

I know. If you think affirmations sound cheesy or fake, I hear you. I used to think that too. But what I’ve learned in over a decade of recovery is this: just because I think something doesn’t mean it’s true. In fact, the opposite is often true, especially when it comes to what I think about myself.   Read more...

Featuring Work by Judy Atlas, Robert Jacoby, and Tom Peterson

New Haven’s City Gallery is an artist-run gallery featuring exhibitions of contemporary art by its 15 members throughout the year. DIVERSE VOICES showcases the distinct and varied work of three of its members: Judy Atlas, Robert Jacoby, and Tom Peterson. The group show will be on view from July 5 - July 27. The Opening Reception on Sunday, July 13, 2 p.m. - 4 p.m. is free and open to the public.

“I was never interested in portraying realism,” says Judy Atlas. “Instead I turned to abstraction; feeling, movement, light, dark, color, shape, my own story. Not all abstract artists paint this way. My process can be described as an improvisation, each mark is a response to the last one made. I may not have a specific image in mind, but, it is an incremental process, step by step. I experiment, explore and hope the result pleases and enlightens the viewer.” 

Unlike Atlas, Guilford painter Rob Jacoby started with representational drawing and painting, and transition to abstraction later in his career. This reset, he explains, “was prompted to express my interpretation of flamenco, as a seminal reflection of the human spirit. Over the past 15 years, my work has broadened to explore various aspects of that creative spirit through spontaneous, unpredictable dialogues between artist and canvas as each painting progresses. The outcomes are frequently, and gratefully, diverse.”

Photographer Tom Peterson’s work takes the concept of abstraction in a different direction. In a folio called No Place Like Home, he imagines a dystopian future caused by global warming. “I sought to create bold color by digitally inverting modern architectural images to portray a world turned inside out. The results represent a voyage from familiar cityscapes to the stillness and strangeness of the otherworldly.” 

“In this show,” Atlas explains, “Rob, Tom and I display diverse voices and stories to entertain and inform the viewers, to present the world in a variety of bold, new ways.”

DIVERSE VOICES is free and open to the public. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m., or by appointment. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

 Organization

The Bruce Museum, Inc. (the Bruce) is an American Alliance of Museums accredited institution that highlights art, science, and natural history in numerous permanent and changing exhibitions. Ahead of its time for taking this multidisciplinary approach over a century ago, the Bruce is a leader in bringing together art, science, technology, and creativity to generate moments of discovery and dialogue. The Museum plays an integral role in the cultural life of area residents and attracts approximately 100,000 visitors annually.

In April 2023, the Bruce opened its expanded facility following a transformative $68 million capital campaign. The three-story, 43,000-square-foot addition more than doubled the size of the Museum and includes cutting-edge exhibition galleries and new education and community spaces. The nearby Seaside Center offers seasonal maritime experiences. The Bruce cultivates discovery and wonder, engaging a broad audience through the power of art and science. Its vision is to be a center for inspiration and learning, where extraordinary art and science spark conversation, connection, and creativity.

Current major exhibitions include a retrospective of Passamaquaoddy weaver Jeremy Frey’s work and On Thin Ice: Alaska’s Warming Wilderness, which explores the startling impacts of climate change using taxidermy mounts and interactives. Art exhibitions currently on view include selections from the collection of William L. Richter, Hockney/Origins: Early Works from the Roy B. and Edith J. Simpson Collection, Isamu Noguchi: Metal the Mirror in the Sculpture Gallery, The Art of Work: Painting Labor in Nineteenth-Century Denmark from the collection of Ambassador John L. Loeb, Jr., and landscape highlights from the Museum’s permanent collection. Permanent science installations include The Robert R. Wiener Mineral Gallery and Natural Cycles Shape Our Land.

The Bruce is governed by a 36-member board of trustees led by Co-Chairs John C. Hart and Karen S. Keegan, and the position reports to Dr. Mary-Kate O’Hare, the Susan E. Lynch Executive Director & CEO. There are 55 full-time and 20 part-time staff members. The total operating revenue in fiscal year 2025 was $8.2 million, including approximately 56% from contributions, grants, and special events, 6% from admissions and other programs, 9% from earned revenue, and 29% from municipal and investment income. The operating budget for fiscal year 2025 is approximately $10 million.

Position Summary

The Chief Operating Officer (COO) will provide strategic and operational leadership for the Bruce and be an active and positive agent of change. This key leadership role offers a unique opportunity to join one of the region's most dynamic cultural institutions at an exciting moment following its transformative expansion. The COO will build strong relationships throughout and across the organization while serving as a strategic advisor and implementation partner to the Executive Director. They will be an important public face of the Bruce with the Town of Greenwich and neighboring communities. The COO will supervise a significant portion of the Museum's staff, with direct oversight of Finance & Accounting, Human Resources, Information Technology, Security & Facilities, Visitor Services, Museum Store, and Café. Peer Departments include Audience Engagement, Collections Management & Registration, Curatorial Art, Curatorial Science, Development, Exhibitions, and Marketing.

Principal Roles and Responsibilities

Strategic Planning and Implementation

• Collaborate closely with the Executive Director and COO's peers to create and implement an inspired multi-year strategic plan, as approved by the Board of Trustees.
• Translate strategic priorities into annual, concrete, actionable projects with defined leadership, budgets, staffing, special resources, and timelines; while conducting periodic, collaborative execution reviews.
• Guide the creation and management of the site master plan and related policies as governed by and in collaboration with Town of Greenwich officials.
• Make timely and effective decisions that advance institutional priorities and solve operational challenges, relying upon sound data and transparent dialogue with important stakeholders.
• Lead with a continuous improvement mindset, guiding change management consistent with the Bruce's culture to improve internal systems (streamline, eliminate duplication of effort, repurpose talent to higher value add), keeping an eye on balancing future needs and budget realities for growth.
• Embrace other strategic planning and implementation duties as needed.

Financial Oversight and Institutional Advancement

• Provide strategic financial leadership while managing the Director of Finance & Accounting and related teams.
• Guide the development of annual, coordinated operating budgets, capital budgets, and financial forecasts.
• Ensure best practices in financial systems, controls, and procedures.
• Participate in financial reporting to the Board, Finance Committee, Investment Committee, Audit Committee, and external stakeholders.
• Play a key role in an upcoming endowment campaign, providing operational perspectives, and supporting Development as a partner engaging with high level donors, corporations, and foundations.
• Embrace other financial oversight and institutional advancement duties as needed.

External Relations and Town Partnership

• Navigate complex political environments with diplomacy and strategic insight.
• Serve as a primary liaison with the Town of Greenwich to maintain relationships and secure ongoing support.
• Build and maintain productive partnerships with local businesses, cultural and educational organizations, community groups, and civic forums in partnership with peer leaders.
• Embrace other external relations and town partnership duties as needed.

Project Management and Cross-Functional Leadership

• Oversee the development and expansion of the Bruce’s project management system, serving as an expert advisor for departmental and cross-functional teams’ application to major initiatives and capital projects.
• Conduct comprehensive project planning, including critical path analysis, resource allocation, and prioritization/agile re-prioritization across the full suite of initiatives.
• Lead identification of pre-emptive project course correction and/or process improvement to free up valuable resources and eliminate duplication of effort/waste.
• Translate execution learnings simultaneously across all existing programs to strengthen departmental and cross-functional team performance as tracked by an internal metrics dashboard.
• Embrace other project management and cross-functional leadership duties as needed.

Direct Line Leadership of Operation Departments

• Manage the successful operation of the Museum Store by developing a sound business plan supported by staff and offerings consistent with the Bruce visitation experience.
• Lead the successful performance and value-add of the Cafe to the Bruce visitation experience, a part of the operation that is 100% provided by an outside partner.
• Oversee the management of the Bruce's newly expanded facilities, grounds, and total historically significant campus via sound environmental, health, and safety best practices.
• Ensure all People and Technology systems, including those that support emergency preparedness and business continuity, maximize visitor experiences while preserving the collection and all objects in the institution's care.
• Administer vendor relationships and service contracts to enhance skills/training and operational effectiveness.
• Make critical decisions and steward facility improvements, managing preventative and episodic maintenance priorities, and capital investments in a cost-effective way.
• Guide the development and implementation of a Digital Transformation Plan, providing contemporary technology (innovation investments, integrated common tools, shared file systems, etc.) that enhances each Department and the integrated Enterprise’s efficiency and effectiveness.
• Guarantee data security and privacy in all Museum operations, including the appropriate use and management of social media and internet platforms.
• Embrace other direct line leadership of operation departments duties as needed.

Human Resources and Team Leadership

• Foster a collaborative, inclusive workplace culture that embodies the Museum's values and is extended to all staff—full-time, part-time, contract, volunteer, and partner vendor services coworkers.
• Nurture an environment of trust, collaboration, and transparent communication to skillfully guide the organization through periods of change and growth with an eye on talent development for the future.
• Lead, mentor, and develop a talented team of operational staff, serving also as a visible, approachable sounding board, role model, and resource for peer leaders.
• Manage the staff recruitment, hiring, performance evaluation, professional development, and retention processes for the full institution.
• Make decisive personnel decisions in concert with Senior Leadership to maintain and advance total organizational health and excellence.
• Embrace other human resources and team leadership duties as needed.

Traits and Characteristics

The COO will be a collaborative and people-oriented professional who is receptive to new ideas and innovative approaches. Proficient in setting, pursuing, and achieving goals in a timely manner, the COO will be driven to support others while ensuring that organizational goals are met. They will be a results-oriented relationship builder who maintains an engaged professional profile. They will value community commitments and work internally and externally to ensure they are met. Highly versatile, the COO will be a change agent who understands and can successfully manage the challenges associated with organizations that have undergone major change, either positive or negative. They will have the ability to move from dialogue to timely decision-making and action.

Other key competencies include:

• Diplomacy and Personal Accountability – The integrity to effectively and tactfully handle difficult or sensitive issues, while taking responsibility for personal actions and decisions.
• Project Management, Planning, and Organizing – The ability to identify and oversee all resources, tasks, systems, and people, establishing courses of action to mitigate risk and ensure work is completed effectively.
• Self-Starting and Decision Making – The acumen to demonstrate initiative, analyzing all aspects of a situation to make consistently sound and timely decisions.
• Teamwork – The capacity to collaborate and cooperate to meet objectives, inspiring others to do the same.

Qualifications

A bachelor's degree with at least 15 years of progressive leadership experience in operations, finance, and administration in a multi-faceted customer/visitor and community-facing organization. Candidates from museums or cultural nonprofit institutions, as well as the private sector and academic settings encouraged. Advanced education and relevant certifications/licenses or relevant cross-sector expertise are highly attractive. Strong financial management experience, including budgeting, analysis, and reporting to enable timely data-driven decision making with measured risk, is essential. Proven managerial capabilities with significant experience overseeing a portfolio of independent yet integrated operations are crucial. Demonstrated expertise in program/project planning and execution, change management, organizational design, and cross-functional leadership is highly valued. A track record of decisive decision-making and effective judgment in complex organizational settings, including governance interfaces or board of trustees, is a plus. Experience with strategic planning and year-over-year execution experience with a proven history of implementing initiatives, and/or experience with process improvement methodologies and culture building is desired.

Leading candidates will bring experience with capital projects, ideally in a museum or cultural setting, as well as experience building relationships with government entities, donors, and community educational, business, and commerce partners. Proven mindset of continuous improvement, relying upon knowledge of contemporary organizational best practices and industry standards (functional and sector specific) required. A candidate who does not meet all the qualifications but possesses transferable or equivalent skills, relevant tangential leadership experience, and/or education (academic/continuous learning institution) is encouraged to apply.

Compensation and Benefits

Compensation is anticipated to be in the range of $225,000 to $250,000. Employee benefits include group health and life insurance, an HSA account, vacation time, and a 401k plan. Relocation assistance is available. As a place-based institution, the position will have a hybrid work schedule available in accordance with museum policy.

Community

Greenwich, Connecticut, features outstanding cultural and recreational offerings, an active restaurant scene, charming shops, and scenic beauty, providing an enriching experience to residents and making it an ideal destination for visitors from New York City and surrounding towns. Known as the gateway to New England, Greenwich is a picturesque 50-square-mile town of over 60,000 residents on the shores of Long Island Sound in Fairfield County. In recent years, with the rise of work-from-home arrangements, Greenwich has experienced an influx of New Yorkers and others relocating to the community for its unique blend of suburban charm, vibrant Greenwich Avenue retail and restaurant district, outstanding schools, and community amenities, all a short train ride from New York City. Close proximity to major highways and four train stations makes Greenwich a very commutable town. Fairfield County has the fastest-growing population of any county in Connecticut and is the second-most diverse.

Immediately north on I-95 from Greenwich is Stamford, Connecticut’s second most populous city. It has a bustling downtown, quiet neighborhoods, and ample green space. Stamford, like Greenwich, boasts easy access to New York City, Upstate New York, and beach communities along the Long Island Sound. Known for events and festivals that celebrate its diverse community, Stamford offers a blend of urban opportunities paired with suburban charm.

Greenwich offers easy access to Westchester County and its cities of New Rochelle, Yonkers, and White Plains. Westchester boasts grand Rockefeller properties, well-preserved 18^th-century homesteads, world-renowned universities and colleges, and family-friendly attractions like the Long Island Sound amusement park, Playland. Outdoor adventurers are part of Westchester County, which has nearly 50,000 acres of open spaces featuring breathtaking vistas, nature centers, mountain bike trails, and thousands of acres of parkland.

Sources: greenwichct.gov; greenwichhistory.org; neilsberg.com; ctvisit.com; stamfordct.gov; visitwestchesterny.com

Application and Inquiries

To submit a cover letter and resume with a summary of demonstrable accomplishments, please click here or visit ArtsConsulting.com/OpenSearches. For questions or general inquiries about this job opportunity, please contact:

Josyanne Roche, Vice President

Todd Ahrens, Vice President

292 Newbury Street, Suite 315

Boston, MA 02115-2801

Tel       (888) 234.4236 Ext. 245 (Roche) or Ext. 216 (Ahrens)

Email    TheBruceCOO@ArtsConsulting.com

The Bruce Museum is governed and administered in a manner welcoming to all who promote its Mission and Vision. In all dealings, the Bruce shall not discriminate against any individual or group for reasons of race, color, religion, sex gender identity, gender expression, age, ethnicity, national origin, marital status, sexual orientation, economic status, disability, or any category protected by state or federal law.

The Bruce is dedicated to advocating for increased diversity, equity, and inclusion in all its activities, including, but not limited to, staff, partners, volunteers, subcontractors, vendors, members, and exhibitions.

Please apply at Friends Center for Children

The city of Tulsa, Oklahoma is preparing to award its black community a $105m (£73.8m) reparations package to address the harms caused by the Tulsa Race Massacre of 1921, one of the largest and most violent racial attacks in US history.

The plan, by Monroe Nichols, Tulsa's first black mayor, focuses on community redevelopment and does not involve direct payments to descendants or the two remaining survivors of the attack.

Nichols made the announcement on Sunday during Tulsa's first ever official Tulsa Race Massacre Observance Day...

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c9dqnz37v1wo

Climate change should be considered a new core aspect of creditworthiness when prospective home buyers apply for a mortgage, a new report suggests.

The analysis from the climate risk financial modeling firm First Street is a groundbreaking nationwide look at the ties between the growing risks from extreme weather such as floods and wildfires, and a long-suspected spike in mortgage defaults in hard-hit areas...

https://www.cnn.com/2025/05/19/climate/flooding-credit-homeowners-insurance

Make sure to check out the Arts Council of Greater New Haven's survey to capture the impacts that arts organizations are facing during these turbulent times. This survey will allow ACGNH to gather clear and accurate data about the impacts you are all facing. Please take 5-minutes to share your story about any funding cuts you face as a result of the current climate. Aggregated data will remain publicly available on this dashboard.

Thank you! 

The most important thing I want to offer you today is hope. Because when you have hope, you have a reason to keep going. And once you have even a glimmer of hope, I want to give you practical tools and mindset shifts that can help you change your behavior, so you can actually realize the future you’re starting to believe is possible.

I want you to have hope because I know what it’s like to be without it. I’ve been there. In fact, I’ve been there more than once. One particular time that stands out happened years before I found recovery.

I had met a man with the intention of casually dating—neither of us was looking for anything serious. He literally had a little black book. But somehow, we unexpectedly fell in love. At least, that’s what I thought at the time. Looking back, I can see it was a deeply codependent relationship. I was rescuing him from his emotional turmoil, and that dynamic felt familiar.

After several months together, we were talking about spending the rest of our lives together. And then—out of nowhere—he dumped me. I was absolutely devastated. At 38, I had never experienced heartbreak like that. I pined for him for months. And then, just as unexpectedly, he came back. He apologized, said he’d done some soul searching, and I took him back. I even told him, “Don’t you ever f***ing do that again, because I won’t take you back a second time.”

Well… a few months later, he proposed. I said yes. And a few months after that, he dumped me again.

That second time, as painful as it was, actually hurt less. And here’s why: the first time, I had hope. Hope that he’d return, hope that we’d fix things, hope that my aching heart would be made whole again. The second time? I had no hope. I knew he wasn’t coming back because I had told him so. And that absence of hope allowed me to start healing faster.

For years, I carried the belief that “hope sucks.” That hope was what hurt me. But eventually, I saw the truth: it wasn’t hope that hurt me—it was heartbreak.

So how did I go from believing that “hope sucks” to making hope my mission?

I honestly believe it was my daily gratitude practice. At the time of that breakup, I was less than two years into it—it was still new for me. But it was this consistent focus on what I was grateful for, day after day, that slowly transformed my mindset. Gratitude helped me see good things even when life felt unbearable. It shifted the way I saw the world. And over time, it helped me fall in love with hope again.

Here’s what I know now: hope is not dangerous—it’s life-giving. I once heard a poem that described grief as a cave. But the truth is, grief—and pain in general—is more like a tunnel. You may not be able to see the light on the other side, but it is there. You’re not stuck. You’re just in a place that has another way out.

A cave has no exit except the way you came in. A tunnel has an end—even if it’s out of sight. That’s hope.

So if you’re feeling lost, broken, or stuck—whether it’s from heartbreak, grief, or life just not turning out the way you hoped—I want you to know: you’re in a tunnel, not a cave. Keep going.

And one of the best ways I’ve found to keep going? Cultivating a gratitude practice.

Start small and repeat it. Make it a routine—maybe listing five things you’re grateful for every morning or evening, or every time you brush your teeth. If consistency feels out of reach right now, begin by making a gratitude list whenever you're upset. It shifts your focus and trains your brain to look for the good.

You can also try an A-to-Z gratitude list—write all the letters of the alphabet in a column, and list something you're grateful for next to each one. I have more detailed suggestions in my podcast episode #11, my gratitude journaling article, and the 6-minute video I made for Toastmasters.

I promise you—if you practice gratitude regularly, it will cultivate an attitude of gratitude. And that attitude will sprout hope in your life. It will give you real, tangible evidence that good things exist—even in the hardest times.

You’ll start to see that you’re not in a cave. You’re in a tunnel.

And when you go as far as you can see, you’ll get there—and see further.

Martin Luther King Jr. said it best: “Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase—just take the first step.”

You don’t have to see the whole path. Just believe it exists.

Let my story be a reminder that transformation is possible. You can change. Your life can change. You just need to take the first step—and hold onto hope.

Featuring Work by Meg Bloom and Cyra Levenson

In life, as in nature, surviving requires a mix of holding together and letting go. This is also true collectively, as a society, and individually as artists and creators. BREATH AND BONE, a new installation by artists Meg Bloom and Cyra Levenson, explores this idea at City Gallery from May 2 - June 1. The Artist Reception on Saturday, May 10, 2 p.m. - 5 p.m., is open to the public.

“The work in the show is very much about our process — how we are trying to move in the world and move as creators,” explains City Gallery member Meg Bloom. This is the second time Bloom has collaborated in an exhibit with Cyra Levenson. “We have a shared aesthetic,” says Levenson. “For both of us, the things we make have a life of their own, and they have a conversation with each other.” 

Levenson, new to weaving, is inspired by weavers who work in all kinds of materials — metal, willow, driftwood, fibers, even weavers of people and stories. She has been studying at the Brooklyn (NY) studio Loop of the Loom which teaches a Japanese technique called Saori weaving. “The work in this exhibition is what came from the practice of allowing the loom, the fibers, the movements of the warp and weft to guide me,” she explains. “My hope is to be a clear channel for images and ideas to come through. I am listening for textures, lines, and felt sensations. The smell of the wool, my gratitude for the sheep, the plants, and the other weavers are all in the work.”

No stranger to working with fibers and textures, much of Meg Bloom’s current artwork consists of handmade paper sculptures from kozo and abaca fibers. “Some have added pigment, many have embedded plant matter, or anything else I get my hands on,” she says. She also creates mixed media collages and installations. 

“Finding beauty in the imperfect, acknowledging moments of change, and engaging with the process of transformation form the basis of my work,” Bloom explains. “My art references nature and attempts, metaphorically through layering process and form, to address the broader social and environmental issues we face.”

Similar to Levenson, Bloom says “I desire to go with the flow but more. I think of the changes as a floe, and I want to be part of the changes constantly taking place, so I am deliberate in allowing the work to reveal itself. Thus the warped, bent, tangled, frayed, torn, smashed, shattered details, and the art’s insistence/persistence on survival, regrowth, and transformation.”

BREATH AND BONE is free and open to the public. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m., or by appointment. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

Leer en español

At a community center in New Haven, members of the immigrant community are putting on a kind of play. Two volunteers pretend to cook over a stove when another pair acting as U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents comes knocking at the cardboard cutout of a door.

This is the set up for a skit that undocumented advocates put on at their Know Your Rights training sessions. Rojas helps organize them.

“I am committed to waking my people up so they know that he, she or they can share with others their rights,” Rojas said.

Rojas is an immigrant who is actively involved with the undocumented community in her city. She’s asked to not use her full name for the safety of herself and the undocumented community she works with...

https://www.ctpublic.org/news/2025-04-25/wrongful-detentions-ct-activists-teach-immigrants-constitutional-rights-with-know-your-rights-training

The administration is quietly putting America’s children at risk by cutting funds and manpower for investigating child abuse, enforcing child support payments, providing child care and much more.

The clear-cutting across the federal government under President Donald Trump has been dramatic, with mass terminations, the suspension of decades-old programs and the neutering of entire agencies. But this spectacle has obscured a series of moves by the administration that could profoundly harm some of the most vulnerable people in the U.S.: children...

https://www.propublica.org/article/how-trump-budget-cuts-harm-kids-child-care-education-abuse

It started with a text in late January: “Call me.”

I was in the Sonoran Desert, fleeing the Pacific Northwest’s winter gloom, and I pulled into a gas station to make the call.

“All work on the National Nature Assessment is to stop,” a Trump White House representative on the other end said. “Immediately.”

For over two years, nearly 200 other scientists and I had been working on the first full accounting of nature in America: an extensive report on its role in our health, economy and well-being. Now, with the revoking of a Biden executive order that called for the assessment, it was seemingly over.

Arts Council of Greater New Haven Building
70 Audubon Street – 2nd Floor, New Haven, CT

Are you a non-profit organization looking for an inspiring, centrally located office space in the heart of New Haven's Arts District? The Arts Council of Greater New Haven is offering a second-floor rental unit at 70 Audubon Street, just steps from coffee shops, restaurants, and public transit with a walk score of 95.

Space Details:
Total Unit Size: 3,500 sq ft
Shared Common Area: 340 sq ft (included in rent)
Subdivision Potential:
Unit A: 1,536 sq ft
Unit B: 2,304 sq ft
More Information & Photos: https://www.newhavenarts.org/realestate
Renter must be a non-profit but does not have to be an arts organization

Rental Rate:
$25/sq ft – includes:
Utilities
Maintenance
24 Hour Keycard Building Access
Cleaning
High-Speed Fiber Internet

Location Perks:
Nestled in the vibrant Audubon Arts District
Walkable to downtown, the Green, and public transportation
Surrounded by creative organizations and a thriving cultural community
ADA Accessible Building

Contact: Winter Marshall
Operations Director, Arts Council of Greater New Haven
winter@newhavenarts.org / 203-772-2788

Have you ever set a boundary with someone who didn’t honor it, and then you did nothing about it? That was me when I first started setting boundaries. I thought I could just state my boundary and people who honor it. I was shocked when that didn’t happen, and blamed the other person for not honoring my boundary.

What I came to understand is that my boundaries are mine. I’m in charge of them. If you set a boundary and you don't follow through with any consequences if someone violates your boundary, then it wasn’t a true boundary. It was you hoping or wishing the person would change.

In this essay, I’m going to share about what happens when we don’t follow through on our boundaries by following through with consequences, what consequences might be, why people don’t honor our boundaries, and how to set consequences.

Lack of Consequences for Yourself

Somebody in a workshop once asked me, “What are the consequences when I don't honor the boundaries for myself?” I hadn’t thought of that until they asked, so I want to tackle that one first. Then I’ll talk about the lack of consequences for the boundaries we set with others

When we set boundaries for ourselves and we don't honor them, we receive natural consequences. That is, the shitty stuff that you experience from not honoring your own boundaries will keep occurring. 

For example, if your boundary for yourself is, “I am no longer going to eat an entire bag of potato chips, I’m only going to eat the serving size listed on the bag.” If  you violate your own boundary and eat the  entire bag of potato chips,  then your consequences are 

• The physical feeling of ingesting an entire bag of potato chips 
• The emotional feelings of being disappointed in yourself by not showing up for yourself
• feeling like you can't trust yourself to take care of yourself 

Those things suck! They might not feel like consequences because that's what you've been experiencing all along. But they are consequences. Your current life is the result of the boundaries you’ve either set or not set so far. If your life feels out of control and you’re full of resentment, chances are you have poor (or no) boundaries.

Lack of Consequences for Others

One of the most popular myths I hear from clients about boundaries is that they think that if they set boundaries with others, they will somehow be able to control those people’s behavior. That's not true at all. Boundaries are YOU. You decide what you want, like, need, will tolerate, etc. 

Then you decide how you’re going to go about getting those things in your life. You're in charge of making that happen because it’s your life. Thinking of boundaries like this: a healthy boundary is like having a fence with a gate in it. It's not a fortress made of brick that has a mote around it. It's like a fence that’s flexible, and it has a gate which you keep watch over. You're the gatekeeper.

What that means is you're in charge of the boundary and the “property” inside the boundary (i.e., your life). If someone is trampling your property, it’s because you left the gate open and let them in. You're in charge. You can't farm that responsibility out to someone else and make them be in charge. Only you can manage your property; you're your own property manager. You can't subcontract that out to someone else because they're your boundaries.

You can't expect other people to enforce your boundaries for you. If you ask someone to do something and they don't, then you need to do something about it. They don’t. If you're going to do nothing about it, then that's just your wishing or hoping they’ll change just because you asked them to. That’s not a boundary.

When I say “What you’re going to do about it,” I’m talking about consequences. Most of the time, the initial consequence is that you repeat the boundary. For example, if you requested that someone not do something and they do, your initial consequence would likely be you saying, “I asked you not to do that.”

Why People Don’t Honor Our Boundaries

I want to take a moment here to say something about why people don't honor our boundaries. There are some people who are toxic, inebriated, have personality disorders or who have really horrible boundaries themselves. These people may be incapable of honoring other people's boundaries. But these types of people are extremely rare. If you find you have a lot of these kinds of people in your life, you’re the common denominator. And I mean the most empowering way, not in a deprecating way. That is, if you're the common denominator, then you have some control over these situations. What I mean by that is you can actually change yourself, but you can't change other people. If other people really were your problem, then you'd be screwed! But if you’re the common denominator, you can start making changes by setting boundaries. This will have a ripple effect on your life and relationships.

I’ll talk about such people below because we need to deal with them differently from normal people. Most people who don't honor your boundaries don’t fall into the above categories. Most people don’t honor your boundaries because you don't follow through with consequences. Or, you don't even voice your boundaries to them. Perhaps think they should know certain things. BTW – that was me before recovery.

That’s a mistake to believe that. If people should know something, they would. People can't read our minds. On top of that, even if you’ve requested something multiple times, people think differently and retain different kinds of information. Expecting people should know things is unrealistic and will set you up for a miserable lie. 

You have to actually state your boundaries (perhaps repeatedly) and provide consequences if they don’t honor them. If you don’t follow through with consequences,  they're never going to honor your boundaries. 

When you start setting boundaries with people who are not those on the list above and you’re new at boundaries, there could be an array of reasons why they don’t honor your boundaries. Perhaps they forgot you set a boundary because you've never done it before. Perhaps you've never required such things of them before, so they forgot. They’re humans who are used to certain patterns of behavior just like you are. You're changing your behavior when starting to set boundaries. Just as it might be difficult for you to get used to this new behavior of yours, it might also be difficult for them to get used to it. You’re retraining them how to interact with you. So please cut people some slack when you begin setting boundaries with them. It’s new behavior for them just like it’s new for you.

When you give people the benefit of the doubt for not initially honoring your boundaries, the best way to handle it is to restate your boundary (without using the word “boundary”). You might try saying something like, “Maybe you didn't hear me…” or” Maybe you forgot that I said…”

Some people won’t honor your boundaries because they don't believe you're going to follow through because you've never been like that before, so they need to be reminded that you actually mean it and you really are setting this boundary. You really do expect them to respect it. Some people won't respect your boundaries because they have really poor boundaries themselves, so it’s extremely difficult for them to respect yours. In that case, it means following through with consequences is even more important.

Side note – if you have really poor boundaries and let people walk all over you, chances are pretty good that you’re trampling all over others’ boundaries. That was true for me, and I was aghast to learn that about myself. I’d been violating people’s boundaries all over the place, so that could also be true of you.

I encourage you to assume the best of intentions on the part of people who don’t honor your boundaries. Don't assume that they're a jerk or that they hate you. Perhaps they don’t respect you because you haven't had boundaries before. Yet another reason to start building healthy boundaries. 

How to Teach People to Respect Your Boundaries

In order for people to respect your boundaries, you’ve got to teach them to do so. That's really what building boundaries is about. We’re always teaching people how to treat us. Before having healthy boundaries, you’ve taught them to treat you however they want. You’ve been teaching them “treat me the same as you always have,” not how you want to be treated. You can teach them to treat you differently.

Once you decide what your new boundaries are, including how you want to be treated by others, you have to communicate your boundaries to them. When they don’t honor them (which may very well be the case at first), you have to follow through with some kind of consequence. 

There can be different levels of consequences. I find it helpful to think of them using the three strikes method. 

Strike zero is where you just repeat the boundary (e.g., if your boundary was, “please don't put that there,” strike 0 would mean repeating, “please don't put that there”). If they don’t honor that, then you move up to strike 1.

Think of strike 1 as being the kind and gentle way. It’s where you come up with a different way to say it but it's still kind and gentle (e.g., “I asked you not to put that there”). If they don’t honor that, then it’s time to move to Strike 2.

Strike 2 is what I think of as the polite and firm level (e.g., “Perhaps you didn’t hear me, I asked you not to put that there”). If they don’t honor strike 2, then it’s time to move up to strike 3.

Strike 3 is what I call the “being a dick” level (e.g., “I said, don’t put that there!”). This is also the level at which you might have to block someone or get a restraining order if that’s what’s required. If that’s the case, you might want to add a couple more strikes before you do that. It depends on what you need to feel safe.

These are not hard and fast rules for setting consequences, it’s just a framework for you to keep in mind when setting consequences for your boundaries. For the most part, relatively healthy, emotionally mature people can handle when you set boundaries, and eventually, they'll come along. 

However, when you're dealing with people who have personality disorders, are mired in chaos, just won’t take “no” for an answer, or those who have extremely poor boundaries themselves, they may not be capable of honoring boundaries. If that’s the case, you might want to get the help of a therapist or a boundaries coach in dealing with them. 

It really depends on your relationship with that person and how serious the situation is. If you’re going to set boundaries with those kinds of people, like or if someone’s life is at stake or something is just plain wrong, then you might skip strikes 0-2 and jump right to strike 3 and be a dick in such situations like that.  But, again, that's rare. The vast majority of people are not narcissistic or toxic people, where you have to go to that extreme to enforce your boundary.

Most of us weren’t taught how to set boundaries. That means we may be surrounded by people who don't have healthy boundaries. On top of that, there are many myths floating around about boundaries. Some of those include ideas such as they’re like walls, not like fences. Or that it’s somehow unkind to set boundaries. But that's the opposite of the truth. In fact, kind people teach people how to treat them. They're not resentful of others for violating boundaries they’ve never voiced. The kind thing to do is to let people know who you actually are, what is okay, and not okay. A kind person will do that rather than people- pleasing them,  then bitching about them behind their back because you resent them.

If you’re anything like I was when I didn’t have healthy boundaries, I frequently got resentful of people for “taking advantage of me”(which, BTW, isn’t possible – you gave them the advantage, they didn’t take it). It's not kind to bitch about people behind their back or to carry around lots of resentment against people. They can't read your mind just because you think they should know how to treat you. It’s your job to teach them how to treat you, which is what building boundaries is all about. 

The way you teach them is by giving consequences. When you start to set boundaries, I suggest thinking through ahead of time what will be your strikes 0, 1, 2, and 3 level consequences. That way, you’ll have them in mind as you go into the situations.

Conclusion.

If you’ve struggled with setting boundaries and having them honored by yourself or others, you’re not alone. Most of us never learned how to do this growing up, so we’re figuring it out as adults. But here’s the truth: boundaries don’t work unless you work them. That means clearly stating them, holding to them, and following through with consequences when they’re crossed. It also means being patient with yourself and others—as you re-train the people in your life how to treat you.

Remember, setting boundaries isn’t about controlling others. It’s about protecting your time, energy, and emotional well-being. It’s about deciding what you will and won’t allow in your life—and then having your own back when push comes to shove. The more you practice, the easier and more natural it becomes. And over time, you’ll begin to build relationships based on mutual respect rather than resentment.

Boundaries aren’t unkind—they’re loving, especially when they’re clear, consistent, and anchored in self-respect. The more you honor your own boundaries, the more others will too. That’s where real change begins.

The Emily Hall Tremaine Foundation is leaving its offices at 171 Orange Street and has furniture and equipment to give away.  No charge but it needs to be picked up (no delivery available).  The office must be emptied by mid-May.  Email Diane Taylor for more info:taylor@tremainefoundation.org.

Office Furniture Available for Donation
We are offering the following office equipment/furniture at no charge on a pick-up basis:
A multifunction color printer/scanner/copier. The model is Xerox WorkCenter 7425/7428/7435. It works well in the configuration we have it set up. (Turning the paper trays will cause a line to appear across documents.) Also, when scanning documents, you need to apply gentle pressure on the top of the scanner, otherwise the paper may jam in the feeder. It has wireless connectivity for emailing scanned documents. It comes with 1 drum cartridge, 3 waste toner cartridges, and additional black and color toner cartridges. This model is no longer covered in a warranty or maintenance contract.

(1) Coat rack with umbrella stand

(1) Standing desk unit to place on top of a standard desk

Plastic flowerpots in various sizes

(1) Ceiling drop-down projection screen

Multiple gently used binders in assorted sizes
Several computer monitors 

Have you ever been in a situation where you were convinced that other people were the problem, and then you found out, “Oh, wait -  it's me? I’m the problem!” That may sound disheartening, but in fact it’s empowering. It's empowering because, if you're the problem, then you can be the solution. If other people really are the problem, then you are screwed because you can’t change them.

This is exactly what happened for me in the romantic relationship department of my life. When I got into 12-step recovery, the one area of my life that I knew was not working was in the area of romance. I thought my pattern was attracting emotionally unavailable partners. And that was true, but I think the real issue was my codependence. 

My Big Reveal.

What I came to realize first was that it wasn't just emotionally unavailable men being attracted to me. I was also attracted to them. That part was completely outside my awareness. Then, the Big Reveal for me was that the reason I was attracting and attracted to emotionally unavailable men was that *I* was emotionally available. In retrospect, that makes sense: what emotionally available man is going to be attracted to an emotionally unavailable woman?

One thing I did realize before recovery was that I was the common denominator in all those relationships. But that’s as far as my understanding went. I didn’t really know what that meant or what to do about it. I still pretty much believed it was them – they were somehow at fault. What I can see now is that I felt like I was a victim of their emotional unavailability, as if I had no part in any of the attractions.

If you’ve been in a series of relationships with emotionally unavailable partners, you might be like me. That is, you might be emotionally unavailable. And if that’s true, and you’ve been putting your efforts into your partners to try to get them to become emotionally available, I’ve got news for you: It’s never going to work!

Until you become emotionally available yourself, you’ll never attract an emotionally available partner. Period.

How To Become Emotionally Available to Yourself.

It starts with self-honesty. You've got to be honest with yourself about what’s okay and not okay with you. And what you’re feeling when you agree to things you don’t really want to do. Stop acting like you like things you don't. Be real with yourself.

That means that you're going to have to start being vulnerable with yourself by learning how to feel your feelings. That is a monumental task that most of us in recovery have to work on continuously. It takes time. But that time is going to go by anyway, so you might as well start now.

Teaching clients how to feel their feelings is a huge part of what I do in my coaching practice. That’s because feelings are what stop people from setting boundaries or following through on their boundaries. Whether you get coaching or therapy from me or someone else, find a way to learn how to feel your feelings.

Next, you've got to start showing up for yourself and following through for yourself in ways you never have before. Among other things, that means learning how to build boundaries. As you build boundaries,  that means you're going to go through the process of learning what you like and don’t like and what your limits are. Then, you’ll act on that. Part of the process of building boundaries means learning to feel your feelings and following through on what you learn from your feelings. I’ll say more about that in a moment. 

As you do all this, you'll become emotionally available to yourself (i.e., become vulnerable with yourself). It’s only once you've done that that you can truly be vulnerable with other people and share your feelings with them. That’s what it means to become emotionally available to them. But you can't do that until you've become emotionally available to yourself first.

Why We’re Emotionally Unavailable.

The reason that so many of us are emotionally unavailable to ourselves and others is because we don't know how to feel our feelings. We're afraid of getting hurt. The reality is you might get hurt. But it's not going to destroy you.

If you’ve been in relationship after relationship where you’ve been emotionally unavailable, you're already hurting yourself. That pain is never going to end until you change something. Nothing changes if nothing changes. 

If you truly want to be in a healthy relationship, it starts with you.  I know this on an experiential level. I am now in the first and only healthy romantic relationship of my life. I couldn't possibly have gotten into this relationship if I weren't aware of what's okay with me and what's not okay with me, and if I didn't understand what I was feeling  nd have the ability to articulate that to my partner.

An Example of How Feelings Help Us in Relationships.

Here's an example of how my feelings have helped me in my relationship. When I feel resentment, I now know it's an indicator that something is too much for me. I've gone past my limit. I used to believe that my resentment was an indication that someone else did something to me. I felt justified in complaining about them and being upset with them. I now understand that the resentment is an indicator for me that it's time for me to set a boundary or strengthen a boundary.

When you shift your focus from trying to change others to becoming emotionally available to yourself, everything changes. You stop chasing unavailable partners, stop feeling like a victim, and start building the kind of life and relationships you truly want. It’s not always easy, but the work is worth it.

If you find yourself in a pattern of emotionally unavailable relationships, take that as an invitation to look inward. Start by being honest with yourself, feeling your feelings, and setting boundaries that honor your needs. The more you show up for yourself, the more you’ll attract people who do the same.

I know this because I’ve lived it. And if I can break the cycle, so can you. The best relationships start with the one you have with yourself—so why not begin today?

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

The Great Give is less than 5 weeks away! Will you be included? 

The Great Give is an annual 36-hour, community-wide fundraising event that matches charitable organizations serving Greater New Haven with donors in a fun and engaging way. This year's event takes place on May 7-8.
Register your nonprofit by April 16th to be part of our Donor Advisors’ early giving.

Sponsored by The Community Foundation for Greater New Haven, its partner in philanthropy, the Valley Community Foundation and other businesses, there is more than $226,000 in matching funds and prizes up-for-grabs. Let The Great Give and its prize incentives help you raise money.

Register now for The Great Give! 
Deadline to register is April 25, 2025 at 11:59 p.m.

First time participating? We can help! 

The Great Give First Timers Workshop