Have you ever set a boundary with someone who didn’t honor it, and then you did nothing about it? That was me when I first started setting boundaries. I thought I could just state my boundary and people who honor it. I was shocked when that didn’t happen, and blamed the other person for not honoring my boundary.
What I came to understand is that my boundaries are mine. I’m in charge of them. If you set a boundary and you don't follow through with any consequences if someone violates your boundary, then it wasn’t a true boundary. It was you hoping or wishing the person would change.
In this essay, I’m going to share about what happens when we don’t follow through on our boundaries by following through with consequences, what consequences might be, why people don’t honor our boundaries, and how to set consequences.
Lack of Consequences for Yourself
Somebody in a workshop once asked me, “What are the consequences when I don't honor the boundaries for myself?” I hadn’t thought of that until they asked, so I want to tackle that one first. Then I’ll talk about the lack of consequences for the boundaries we set with others
When we set boundaries for ourselves and we don't honor them, we receive natural consequences. That is, the shitty stuff that you experience from not honoring your own boundaries will keep occurring.
For example, if your boundary for yourself is, “I am no longer going to eat an entire bag of potato chips, I’m only going to eat the serving size listed on the bag.” If you violate your own boundary and eat the entire bag of potato chips, then your consequences are
- The physical feeling of ingesting an entire bag of potato chips
- The emotional feelings of being disappointed in yourself by not showing up for yourself
- feeling like you can't trust yourself to take care of yourself
Those things suck! They might not feel like consequences because that's what you've been experiencing all along. But they are consequences. Your current life is the result of the boundaries you’ve either set or not set so far. If your life feels out of control and you’re full of resentment, chances are you have poor (or no) boundaries.
Lack of Consequences for Others
One of the most popular myths I hear from clients about boundaries is that they think that if they set boundaries with others, they will somehow be able to control those people’s behavior. That's not true at all. Boundaries are YOU. You decide what you want, like, need, will tolerate, etc.
Then you decide how you’re going to go about getting those things in your life. You're in charge of making that happen because it’s your life. Thinking of boundaries like this: a healthy boundary is like having a fence with a gate in it. It's not a fortress made of brick that has a mote around it. It's like a fence that’s flexible, and it has a gate which you keep watch over. You're the gatekeeper.
What that means is you're in charge of the boundary and the “property” inside the boundary (i.e., your life). If someone is trampling your property, it’s because you left the gate open and let them in. You're in charge. You can't farm that responsibility out to someone else and make them be in charge. Only you can manage your property; you're your own property manager. You can't subcontract that out to someone else because they're your boundaries.
You can't expect other people to enforce your boundaries for you. If you ask someone to do something and they don't, then you need to do something about it. They don’t. If you're going to do nothing about it, then that's just your wishing or hoping they’ll change just because you asked them to. That’s not a boundary.
When I say “What you’re going to do about it,” I’m talking about consequences. Most of the time, the initial consequence is that you repeat the boundary. For example, if you requested that someone not do something and they do, your initial consequence would likely be you saying, “I asked you not to do that.”
Why People Don’t Honor Our Boundaries
I want to take a moment here to say something about why people don't honor our boundaries. There are some people who are toxic, inebriated, have personality disorders or who have really horrible boundaries themselves. These people may be incapable of honoring other people's boundaries. But these types of people are extremely rare. If you find you have a lot of these kinds of people in your life, you’re the common denominator. And I mean the most empowering way, not in a deprecating way. That is, if you're the common denominator, then you have some control over these situations. What I mean by that is you can actually change yourself, but you can't change other people. If other people really were your problem, then you'd be screwed! But if you’re the common denominator, you can start making changes by setting boundaries. This will have a ripple effect on your life and relationships.
I’ll talk about such people below because we need to deal with them differently from normal people. Most people who don't honor your boundaries don’t fall into the above categories. Most people don’t honor your boundaries because you don't follow through with consequences. Or, you don't even voice your boundaries to them. Perhaps think they should know certain things. BTW – that was me before recovery.
That’s a mistake to believe that. If people should know something, they would. People can't read our minds. On top of that, even if you’ve requested something multiple times, people think differently and retain different kinds of information. Expecting people should know things is unrealistic and will set you up for a miserable lie.
You have to actually state your boundaries (perhaps repeatedly) and provide consequences if they don’t honor them. If you don’t follow through with consequences, they're never going to honor your boundaries.
When you start setting boundaries with people who are not those on the list above and you’re new at boundaries, there could be an array of reasons why they don’t honor your boundaries. Perhaps they forgot you set a boundary because you've never done it before. Perhaps you've never required such things of them before, so they forgot. They’re humans who are used to certain patterns of behavior just like you are. You're changing your behavior when starting to set boundaries. Just as it might be difficult for you to get used to this new behavior of yours, it might also be difficult for them to get used to it. You’re retraining them how to interact with you. So please cut people some slack when you begin setting boundaries with them. It’s new behavior for them just like it’s new for you.
When you give people the benefit of the doubt for not initially honoring your boundaries, the best way to handle it is to restate your boundary (without using the word “boundary”). You might try saying something like, “Maybe you didn't hear me…” or” Maybe you forgot that I said…”
Some people won’t honor your boundaries because they don't believe you're going to follow through because you've never been like that before, so they need to be reminded that you actually mean it and you really are setting this boundary. You really do expect them to respect it. Some people won't respect your boundaries because they have really poor boundaries themselves, so it’s extremely difficult for them to respect yours. In that case, it means following through with consequences is even more important.
Side note – if you have really poor boundaries and let people walk all over you, chances are pretty good that you’re trampling all over others’ boundaries. That was true for me, and I was aghast to learn that about myself. I’d been violating people’s boundaries all over the place, so that could also be true of you.
I encourage you to assume the best of intentions on the part of people who don’t honor your boundaries. Don't assume that they're a jerk or that they hate you. Perhaps they don’t respect you because you haven't had boundaries before. Yet another reason to start building healthy boundaries.
How to Teach People to Respect Your Boundaries
In order for people to respect your boundaries, you’ve got to teach them to do so. That's really what building boundaries is about. We’re always teaching people how to treat us. Before having healthy boundaries, you’ve taught them to treat you however they want. You’ve been teaching them “treat me the same as you always have,” not how you want to be treated. You can teach them to treat you differently.
Once you decide what your new boundaries are, including how you want to be treated by others, you have to communicate your boundaries to them. When they don’t honor them (which may very well be the case at first), you have to follow through with some kind of consequence.
There can be different levels of consequences. I find it helpful to think of them using the three strikes method.
Strike zero is where you just repeat the boundary (e.g., if your boundary was, “please don't put that there,” strike 0 would mean repeating, “please don't put that there”). If they don’t honor that, then you move up to strike 1.
Think of strike 1 as being the kind and gentle way. It’s where you come up with a different way to say it but it's still kind and gentle (e.g., “I asked you not to put that there”). If they don’t honor that, then it’s time to move to Strike 2.
Strike 2 is what I think of as the polite and firm level (e.g., “Perhaps you didn’t hear me, I asked you not to put that there”). If they don’t honor strike 2, then it’s time to move up to strike 3.
Strike 3 is what I call the “being a dick” level (e.g., “I said, don’t put that there!”). This is also the level at which you might have to block someone or get a restraining order if that’s what’s required. If that’s the case, you might want to add a couple more strikes before you do that. It depends on what you need to feel safe.
These are not hard and fast rules for setting consequences, it’s just a framework for you to keep in mind when setting consequences for your boundaries. For the most part, relatively healthy, emotionally mature people can handle when you set boundaries, and eventually, they'll come along.
However, when you're dealing with people who have personality disorders, are mired in chaos, just won’t take “no” for an answer, or those who have extremely poor boundaries themselves, they may not be capable of honoring boundaries. If that’s the case, you might want to get the help of a therapist or a boundaries coach in dealing with them.
It really depends on your relationship with that person and how serious the situation is. If you’re going to set boundaries with those kinds of people, like or if someone’s life is at stake or something is just plain wrong, then you might skip strikes 0-2 and jump right to strike 3 and be a dick in such situations like that. But, again, that's rare. The vast majority of people are not narcissistic or toxic people, where you have to go to that extreme to enforce your boundary.
Most of us weren’t taught how to set boundaries. That means we may be surrounded by people who don't have healthy boundaries. On top of that, there are many myths floating around about boundaries. Some of those include ideas such as they’re like walls, not like fences. Or that it’s somehow unkind to set boundaries. But that's the opposite of the truth. In fact, kind people teach people how to treat them. They're not resentful of others for violating boundaries they’ve never voiced. The kind thing to do is to let people know who you actually are, what is okay, and not okay. A kind person will do that rather than people- pleasing them, then bitching about them behind their back because you resent them.
If you’re anything like I was when I didn’t have healthy boundaries, I frequently got resentful of people for “taking advantage of me”(which, BTW, isn’t possible – you gave them the advantage, they didn’t take it). It's not kind to bitch about people behind their back or to carry around lots of resentment against people. They can't read your mind just because you think they should know how to treat you. It’s your job to teach them how to treat you, which is what building boundaries is all about.
The way you teach them is by giving consequences. When you start to set boundaries, I suggest thinking through ahead of time what will be your strikes 0, 1, 2, and 3 level consequences. That way, you’ll have them in mind as you go into the situations.
Conclusion.
If you’ve struggled with setting boundaries and having them honored by yourself or others, you’re not alone. Most of us never learned how to do this growing up, so we’re figuring it out as adults. But here’s the truth: boundaries don’t work unless you work them. That means clearly stating them, holding to them, and following through with consequences when they’re crossed. It also means being patient with yourself and others—as you re-train the people in your life how to treat you.
Remember, setting boundaries isn’t about controlling others. It’s about protecting your time, energy, and emotional well-being. It’s about deciding what you will and won’t allow in your life—and then having your own back when push comes to shove. The more you practice, the easier and more natural it becomes. And over time, you’ll begin to build relationships based on mutual respect rather than resentment.
Boundaries aren’t unkind—they’re loving, especially when they’re clear, consistent, and anchored in self-respect. The more you honor your own boundaries, the more others will too. That’s where real change begins.
