Have you ever been in a situation where you were convinced that other people were the problem, and then you found out, “Oh, wait - it's me? I’m the problem!” That may sound disheartening, but in fact it’s empowering. It's empowering because, if you're the problem, then you can be the solution. If other people really are the problem, then you are screwed because you can’t change them.
This is exactly what happened for me in the romantic relationship department of my life. When I got into 12-step recovery, the one area of my life that I knew was not working was in the area of romance. I thought my pattern was attracting emotionally unavailable partners. And that was true, but I think the real issue was my codependence.
My Big Reveal.
What I came to realize first was that it wasn't just emotionally unavailable men being attracted to me. I was also attracted to them. That part was completely outside my awareness. Then, the Big Reveal for me was that the reason I was attracting and attracted to emotionally unavailable men was that *I* was emotionally available. In retrospect, that makes sense: what emotionally available man is going to be attracted to an emotionally unavailable woman?
One thing I did realize before recovery was that I was the common denominator in all those relationships. But that’s as far as my understanding went. I didn’t really know what that meant or what to do about it. I still pretty much believed it was them – they were somehow at fault. What I can see now is that I felt like I was a victim of their emotional unavailability, as if I had no part in any of the attractions.
If you’ve been in a series of relationships with emotionally unavailable partners, you might be like me. That is, you might be emotionally unavailable. And if that’s true, and you’ve been putting your efforts into your partners to try to get them to become emotionally available, I’ve got news for you: It’s never going to work!
Until you become emotionally available yourself, you’ll never attract an emotionally available partner. Period.
How To Become Emotionally Available to Yourself.
It starts with self-honesty. You've got to be honest with yourself about what’s okay and not okay with you. And what you’re feeling when you agree to things you don’t really want to do. Stop acting like you like things you don't. Be real with yourself.
That means that you're going to have to start being vulnerable with yourself by learning how to feel your feelings. That is a monumental task that most of us in recovery have to work on continuously. It takes time. But that time is going to go by anyway, so you might as well start now.
Teaching clients how to feel their feelings is a huge part of what I do in my coaching practice. That’s because feelings are what stop people from setting boundaries or following through on their boundaries. Whether you get coaching or therapy from me or someone else, find a way to learn how to feel your feelings.
Next, you've got to start showing up for yourself and following through for yourself in ways you never have before. Among other things, that means learning how to build boundaries. As you build boundaries, that means you're going to go through the process of learning what you like and don’t like and what your limits are. Then, you’ll act on that. Part of the process of building boundaries means learning to feel your feelings and following through on what you learn from your feelings. I’ll say more about that in a moment.
As you do all this, you'll become emotionally available to yourself (i.e., become vulnerable with yourself). It’s only once you've done that that you can truly be vulnerable with other people and share your feelings with them. That’s what it means to become emotionally available to them. But you can't do that until you've become emotionally available to yourself first.
Why We’re Emotionally Unavailable.
The reason that so many of us are emotionally unavailable to ourselves and others is because we don't know how to feel our feelings. We're afraid of getting hurt. The reality is you might get hurt. But it's not going to destroy you.
If you’ve been in relationship after relationship where you’ve been emotionally unavailable, you're already hurting yourself. That pain is never going to end until you change something. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
If you truly want to be in a healthy relationship, it starts with you. I know this on an experiential level. I am now in the first and only healthy romantic relationship of my life. I couldn't possibly have gotten into this relationship if I weren't aware of what's okay with me and what's not okay with me, and if I didn't understand what I was feeling nd have the ability to articulate that to my partner.
An Example of How Feelings Help Us in Relationships.
Here's an example of how my feelings have helped me in my relationship. When I feel resentment, I now know it's an indicator that something is too much for me. I've gone past my limit. I used to believe that my resentment was an indication that someone else did something to me. I felt justified in complaining about them and being upset with them. I now understand that the resentment is an indicator for me that it's time for me to set a boundary or strengthen a boundary.
When you shift your focus from trying to change others to becoming emotionally available to yourself, everything changes. You stop chasing unavailable partners, stop feeling like a victim, and start building the kind of life and relationships you truly want. It’s not always easy, but the work is worth it.
If you find yourself in a pattern of emotionally unavailable relationships, take that as an invitation to look inward. Start by being honest with yourself, feeling your feelings, and setting boundaries that honor your needs. The more you show up for yourself, the more you’ll attract people who do the same.
I know this because I’ve lived it. And if I can break the cycle, so can you. The best relationships start with the one you have with yourself—so why not begin today?
For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news
Comments