For years, I didn’t realize how brutally I spoke to myself in my own mind until I read a book that held up a mirror to my inner dialogue.
It was When Food Is Love by Geneen Roth. She wrote out the exact phrases her clients used to berate themselves… and my stomach dropped. I say those things to myself.
I was horrified to discover this undercurrent of self-loathing I’d never consciously acknowledged. How could I, someone who never overtly hated myself, be so cruel in the privacy of my own thoughts?
Here’s the truth I learned the hard way: You cannot beat yourself into becoming better.
The Broken Logic of Self-Punishment
We tell ourselves we're being "motivated" by this harshness. The twisted logic goes something like this: If I'm cruel enough to myself, if I punish myself sufficiently for my mistakes and shortcomings, eventually I'll become better.
But here's the truth I learned through painful experience: Self-flagellation doesn't work. Ever.
Take a moment to honestly ask yourself:
- In all your years of beating yourself up, has it ever actually produced lasting positive change?
- Have you ever witnessed someone being bullied or abused into becoming their best self?
- When has shame ever been the catalyst for genuine transformation?
The answer is simple: Never. Even worse, this creates confirmation bias. If you believe you’re a failure, you’ll:
- Seek evidence, ignoring anything that contradicts it..
- Twist neutral events into "proof".
- Live smaller to avoid disproving the story.
The Antidote: Scaffolding Your Way Up
Changing this pattern isn’t about flipping a switch from I hate myself to I’m radiantly confident. It’s a gradual climb like building scaffolding to reach a higher floor. Here’s how:
Step 1: Identify the Poison
Write down your most frequent self-attacks. For me, it was “You’re too much”. For you, it might be “You’re not enough”, “I'll never recover from this” or “I always mess things up”
Step 2: Stop the Bleeding
Ask:
- Would I let someone talk to my best friend this way?
- Would I tolerate it if directed at me?
(Spoiler: You’d probably throw hands.)
This creates cognitive dissonance - the uncomfortable gap between what we believe and what we know to be true. That discomfort is actually progress.
Step 3: Replace the Narrative
Think of your mind as a poisoned well. Stopping the toxins is the first step, but to heal faster, you need medicine: affirmations.
You don’t have to believe them yet. This is where scaffolding comes in:
- Start neutral (I have a body instead of I hate my body).
- Later, shift to positive (I appreciate my body).
- Eventually, aim for loving (I love my body).
I used this method to replace I’m too much with I am just the right amount of everything. At first, it felt like a lie. Now? It’s my truth.
Your Toolkit
- Podcast Episodes to Help:
- #25: Act As If
- #5: Affirming Ourselves.
- Bonus Episode: Affirmations for Addicts (a no-music, straight-to-the-good-stuff guide).
- Daily Practice: Repeat your scaffolded phrases like vitamins—consistency trumps intensity.
The Bottom Line
You were created in love, for love. Beating yourself up isn’t motivation; it’s self-sabotage in disguise.
Start small. Stop the poison. Build your scaffolding.
And if you know someone who needs this? Send it to them. We all deserve wells filled with clean water.
You are beloved.
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