There’s a distinction I often reiterate to my clients between what we get to do versus what we have to do. When we think “I get to do this” we’re framing things in terms of having a choice as opposed to being something we’re being compelled to do.
When I learned in recovery that I’d been gossiping for years and didn’t realize it, I thought, “I have to stop gossiping.” It turned out this was a deeply ingrained pattern of mine, and I internalized this pattern from my family of origin. We engaged in indirect communication (e.g., you never went to the person you had a problem with, you talked about them to everyone else).
As I was trying to stop, I realized it felt really good when I gossiped, which was shocking and unnerving. It felt like it was going to be an insurmountable obstacle, to change this deeply entrenched pattern. It felt like a burden. As I did research on gossip, what it was, why we do it, and how to stop it, I realized that it felt good because I got to blame others for my problems.
At that point, I’d started to understand the importance of taking responsibility for my life, choices, and actions. That’s when I realized I get to stop gossiping, I don’t have to. As I drastically decreased my habit of gossiping, I started feeling a lot more freedom and control over my life. I got to see that it actually was a privilege to stop gossiping, not a burden.
In recovery, as with any personal growth process, a large part of the work is changing our perspectives, and this is just another example of that. This particular perspective shift is like flipping a light switch in a dark room—you realize you always had the power, you just needed to use it. Imagine what that kind of shift could do for you as a parent, at work, or in your family of origin.
Before I give some examples, take a moment to think about Where in your life you feel weighed down by the belief that you “have to” do things. What might shift if you thought of it as a privilege? Pause and think about that before reading on.
Here are some examples of the kinds of things I hear from my clients where I suggest this shift:
- “I have to take responsibility now” and I say, “No, you get to take responsibility now. That's what it means to be a mature adult - taking responsibility for your own life and for your own actions and leaving everybody else’s life and actions up to them.”
- “I have to figure out who I am” but you actually get to figure out who you are. One of the most important ways we do that is by keeping the focus on ourselves rather than others. We can only figure out what we like and don’t like, what’s okay and not okay with us, when we’re focused internally rather than externally.
- “I have to make amends for this” and I say, “Actually, you get to make amends for this.” Most (if not all) of us have done some crappy things in our lives. 12-step recovery programs give us a way of making up for that. I think of it as cleaning that stuff off of my soul when I make amends. It’s a privilege to do that, not a burden. And what do we get from making amends? We get to be happy joyous and free! We get to let go of the weight of those deeds.
- “I have to get sober” becomes “I get to get sober.” It’s a choice and a privilege. When I say choice here, I don’t mean that people are choosing to be alcoholics or to have a substance use disorder. Substance use disorder is a disease no one would choose, just like we wouldn’t choose Lupus breast cancer, or asthma. But we can choose to work on a program of recovery that’s been proven to work for others. We get to make that choice, we don’t have to.
- A recovery friend said, “OK, so now I have to love myself.” She was talking about it as if it was a strategy, like a task she could check off her to-do list. Something like, “If I love myself, then I'll get better.” I said, “Actually you get to love yourself. The point of loving yourself is to love yourself. It's not to get something or to get better. It’s to have the experience of loving yourself and being loved by yourself.” THAT is a privilege, not a burden!
These are choices and privileges, not burdens. You get to take responsibility for your life, figure out who you really are, make amends, get sober, and love yourself.
Since I’m a boundaries coach, I don’t want to pass up the opportunity to mention how this shift is especially powerful for those working on boundaries. When we say, “I have to set boundaries,” it feels heavy, like a chore. But when we say, “I get to set boundaries,” we recognize that it’s an act of self-care and empowerment.
Now I have some questions for you: What’s something in your life you’ve been saying you “have to” do? How would it feel if you reframed it as something you “get to” do? Try it for a day and see how it shifts your energy! Drop me an email to let me know how that shift felt.
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