Do you ever find yourself saying yes to things during that holiday that you secretly dread? Maybe it’s the family tradition you’ve never enjoyed, or the pressure to keep everyone else happy at the expense of your own peace and sanity. What if this year could be different?
The Pressure to Conform: Why We Do Things We Don’t Want To.
It’s especially common that we do things we no longer want to do, or maybe never wanted to do, with our families. The pressure can be very high to conform because “this is what we’ve always done” as a family.
We end up agreeing to things we don’t really want to do, wearing ourselves out, not giving ourselves the rest we need, and then getting resentful. I’m going to illustrate how we might handle this based on a story from a client a few years back. This particular scenario happened the day before Thanksgiving when she was set to spend several days with her family. It’s a very rich example of what it can be like for you when you start setting boundaries with family. It also busts some of the myths about boundaries.
Claudia’s Story: Living on Purpose.
The scenario is that Claudia (not her real name) backed out of a family hike because “I hate hiking and needed alone time.” She went on to say, “I was able to let them know I just need some alone time and they should go on without me.” She told me that the experience was “so freeing, and I'm so enjoying soaking up these quiet hours alone. If I hadn't done this, I don't think I would have been very pleasant on the hike or at dinner tonight. But now I'll be rested up and ready to talk all evening. Thank you for teaching me how to do this gracefully.”
This is what I would call living your life on purpose!
What Healthy Boundaries Look Like.
Now I’m going to go through what she said and unpack it to show how important it is to develop healthy boundaries if you want to live on purpose.
Claudia backed out of a family hike because she hates hiking. She never liked going on family hikes but did them anyway. She let them know, “This is who I am - someone who does not like hiking.” This is what boundaries enable us to do, they help us to figure out who we are so we can tell other people who that is.
She let them know she was backing out of hiking that one time, but also that she didn’t enjoy hiking and never had. She let them know the truth about herself, perhaps for the first time ever. That meant she not only did not have to do something she didn't like doing, she broke a dysfunctional pattern with her family. Building healthy boundaries helped her realize she doesn't have to keep doing things she doesn't like doing with her family.
She told them they should go on without her. In other words, she didn’t want to stop them from enjoying hiking. She also let them know that she needed alone time. The way she handled this meant not going on a hike and taking alone time. The result was that she didn’t have the detrimental effect of doing something she didn’t want to do, and she got the benefit of doing something she actually likes to do, resting.
Many of us do not allow ourselves to rest enough. Like Claudia, I’ve learned the value of rest. I’ve definitely been guilty of not resting enough, and have been on a campaign over the last few months to build in more rest. I’m no longer taking potential client calls or recording my podcast on weekends, both of which I’ve done for years. Now, the only time I’ll work on weekends is if I have a speaking engagement. Weekends are now for resting, connecting with others, and getting some chores done. Not work.
We often don’t allow ourselves alone time to refuel. Perhaps because it feels like it’s selfish, or maybe like we’re being unproductive. Personally, I LOVE the feeling of being productive and having a sense of accomplishment. I just had an insight this morning that I’m now going to reframe my leisure time as productive time (I get to dream and tap into my imagination, as well as rest) and when I set aside that time it feels like I’ve accomplished something I set out to do.
So when Claudia didn’t have to hike and got to spend time alone resting, it was almost like she got double the fuel in her tank. She didn't get drained from hiking and she got to be alone to refuel by soaking up those quiet hours alone. The result was that instead of a tank running on empty (or possibly with negative fuel), she ended up with a tank that was full.
Claudia also said, “If I hadn't done this, I don't think I would have been very pleasant on the hike or at dinner tonight.” She knew she would probably have been resentful and acted like a dick if she’d gone on the hike and didn’t allow herself to rest.
Resentment and irritability are signals that you need to set a boundary.
Busting Common Myths about Boundaries.
One of the myths about boundaries is that you have to be a dick about them. I think people believe that because in the past, they've waited to set a boundary until they were pushed way past their limit so they explode. And it works! So they think that’s what it takes to set boundaries, you have to be a dick about it for people to respect your boundaries. Having healthy boundaries means that we don't allow ourselves to get to the point where we’re resentful. We notify people way before we get to the edge.
Another thing Claudia said was, “Now I'll be rested up and ready to talk all evening.” She realized that she could be fully present with her family with no resentment because she set a boundary with them.
This tackles another myth that people have about boundaries, which is that they put distance or build walls between us and other people. What Claudia experienced was that by own not engaging in an activity she dislikes and giving herself time to relax, she was able to be fully present with her family. She was rested, energized pleasant, and “ready to talk all night long.” That doesn’t sound like putting up a wall at all! That sounds like a connection.
Instead of the boundary putting distance between her and her family, it made her more available to them.
Reclaiming Your Time and Energy
At the end, Claudia mentioned that I’d taught her how to do this gracefully. That’s because in our coaching, she got clear on what’s important to her; what she wants, likes, needs, and prefers; what’s okay and not okay with her so she can express those things to others.
Through the empowered communication methods I taught her, she took responsibility for getting her own needs met instead of resenting others for not meeting her needs. She realized she doesn't need to people-please her family and act like she likes hiking when she doesn't.
Just like Claudia, you get to tell your family things like, “I need alone time” or “I don’t want to spend every day of the holiday week visiting everyone else, I want to stay home for a couple of days.” Or whatever else you’d like your holiday season to be like.
You don’t have to be ON all the time we’re with our families. We get to enjoy the holidays the way WE want to! In fact, we get to enjoy our time all year long doing things we want to.
Imagine if Claudia had gone for the hike and was kind of a dick on the hike and got drained from the hike and not resting. She probably would have been a jerk all evening and that probably would have carried over into the Thanksgiving Day, not to mention the long drive home with her sister.
Instead, she told them who she was (i.e., a woman who doesn't like hiking and needs alone time to refuel). She honored herself as that person. Because she did that, she was well-rested and able to talk all night with her family. She was able to be fully present with them for the Thanksgiving celebration as well as the ride home with her sister. She really said that boundaries help us get closer to people, not farther.
Boundaries aren’t about keeping people out; they’re about inviting yourself in. By honoring your own needs, you create space for connection., joy, and authenticity – not just during the ho lidays but all year long.
So, what’s one small boundary you could set this week to honor your needs? Start with something small and notice how it impacts your energy and relationships.
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