I help overwhelmed people-pleasers say no without guilt and shame so they can finally put themselves first and stop stressing over what others think. I do this for a few reasons.
- That was me! I didn’t even I know was a people pleaser. I thought I was just “nice.” When I first heard the term people pleaser in recovery, I didn't think it applied to me. I remember thinking of another friend and I was like, “Ohh yeah …she's a people pleaser!” This just goes to show how much denial I was in about myself.
- Guilt and shame are the main reasons people don't set boundaries or cave on their boundaries. This was true for me and I think I can safely say it’s true for all of my clients.
- The reason that we have such difficulty saying no is because we care way more about what other people think than what we think. In other words, we're completely focused on other people and what they're doing (or not doing). You’re not going to have a powerful living experience when you never concentrate on your own life and are always focused on people's lives. It’s just not possible. You have to actually LEAD your own life. No one else will do it for you.
- Women have internalized the message that “selfish” is about the worst thing in the world you can be (I had a client say “I’d rather be called a whore than selfish.” WTF??). They’re terrified of being seen as selfish. First of all, if you’ve been a lifelong people pleaser, you’re NOT going to turn into a selfish person, it’s not in your nature. Secondly, paying attention to yourself, taking care of yourself, and doing things that bring you pleasure and energy are not selfish. You have one life to live, so live YOUR life, not the lives of others. This doesn’t mean we’re not helpful and generous, it means we’re helpful and generous in ways that are sustainable, not draining.
Some of the main fears I see in clients and prospective clients are that they’re afraid to upset others and that people won’t like them. They’re afraid they’ll have to confront someone and have difficult conversations and maybe come to be seen as selfish. They don’t want to be abandoned, rejected, or judged. They’re probably also afraid that if they keep things up the way they are, they’ll get burnt out by taking on too much and that they won’t live up to what they know they’re capable of and what they’re meant to do in the world. They get stuck in a cycle of giving in to others, leaving little room for their own needs—if they even know what those are.
They’ve probably been on a personal development journey for decades and know all the things they “should” be doing but just can’t get themselves to DO them! Second-guessing themselves keeps them stuck, unable to set boundaries or make decisions. They end up taking on way too much, then get resentful and eventually explode. Typically, it works when they explode – people listen to them and respect their limits, so they think “This is how it works – I have to be a dick for people to listen to me.” And because they hate when others get upset with them, want to be liked, and don’t want to be a dick, they just give in (again) to what others want. That means they don’t ever figure out what they really want because they’re so afraid to make waves and they go along to keep the peace. The result is that they haven’t allowed themselves to explore their own interests.
For all these reasons and more, it’s exceedingly difficult for them to say no, especially with very specific people. That could be family members, themselves, close friends, and/or, authority figures. They don’t really know themselves, which means they don’t know what’s okay and not okay with them because they’ve been such a chameleon. They have this belief that it’s not okay to set limits with others and it makes them a bad person if they do.
They think if they had just the right words to say, they’d be able to get people to do what they want. And if people would do what they want, things would go much more smoothly. But it goes much deeper than knowing the right words. It’s about believing they deserve to have their needs met, their feelings honored and their limits respected. Even if they DID have the right words, they would know how to handle pushback when they set a boundary because deep down, they don’t believe they deserve to set limits.
They also have an exceedingly difficult time asking for help, if they can do it at all. When they even think of asking for help, they might feel like they’re gonna die (that was me – no exaggeration!). They don’t want to be seen as needy or weak or a burden. They probably have a history of family dysfunction or childhood trauma, which makes focusing on themselves and believing they’re deserving almost impossible.
The reality is that things will never improve until they stop putting everyone else first. In order to create a breakthrough to get the life and relationships they truly want, they have to stop ignoring themselves and start focusing internally. This allows them to determine what they truly value, so they know what’s okay and not okay with them. Then they can communicate that to others in an empowered way, including knowing how to handle it when people push back.
Here's what you can do.
Take time to get to know what you really want out of life. I suggest you start by identifying your values. What matters to you? Those answers will guide you toward the type of decisions you want to make and the types of boundaries you need to set. If your health is important to you, then you’ll want to dedicate time, energy, and money toward your health (i.e., set boundaries to promote and support your health).
Start focusing internally and reduce how much you focus on other people, places, and things. This is especially important if you’re more invested in other people’s well-being than they are in their own well-being. If you’re more invested in someone else’s wellbeing than in YOUR own wellbeing, that’s a red flag. I suggest focusing internally by asking what you want or need in a particular situation; what you could do differently in situations that don’t go the way you want; and whether it’s really your business to step in and help others or offer advice. If not, get their consent before offering help, or better yet – wait for them to ask for your help; stop trying to manage others’ feelings, they get to be upset sometimes, it’s not your job to make them happy; take good care of yourself by filling your own cup first so you can pour from the overflow, not from an empty cup.
If you recognize yourself in this article and are tired of reading all the books, attending all the seminars, listening to all the podcasts and you lack the ability to follow through for yourself, I’ve got you! If you recognize that now’s the time for you to change your ways, I can help. I’ll take you through a structured program of action and give you tons of personalized professional boundaries coaching. If that’s you, sign up for a free call with me here. Let’s make 2025 the year you FINALLY do this for yourself and live the life you’ve imagined!
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