Just in time for Valentine’s Day, here are the top 12 relationships tips I learned from 12-step recovery. Seeing as I’m now in the first (and only) healthy relationship of my life after about 40 years of dating, you might want to take heed of these.

Don’t date for the first year you’re in a personal development program. The reason for this is that you’re going to be a completely different person after a year of any personal development program. If it’s going well, you’ll be a much healthier version of yourself in a year. That means you'll be attracted to healthier people, and healthier people are going to be attracted to you.

Be real. Don’t fake who you are, and act like you like things that you don't like. Being fake is dishonest, unsustainable and likely to fill you with resentment when you continually do things you don’t like.

When somebody tells you who they are believe them! For example, if somebody starts out by deceiving you, then believe that they're a deceiver. If you meet someone online who looks absolutely nothing like their online picture, they're telling you, “I’m not what I appear to be.” Stop giving the benefit of the doubt to strangers!

Take the relationship one day at a time. That is, take things slowly, bit by bit. There’s no rush. If you or your dating partner have a sense of urgency in dating and want things to move faster, that's probably not healthy. Set some boundaries for yourself around your initial interactions with them (e.g., maybe start with a 20 minute phone call, then maybe a 45 minute coffee date). 

That being said, one thing I think is wise to rush is meeting someone you’ve met online in person as soon as you’ve realized you might like to date them. It's wise to meet them sooner rather than later so you don’t build up unrealistic expectations of who you think they're going to be. And - chemistry can only be experienced in person.

Use the principle of “first things first.” That means what you value most should come first. If you’re in 12-step recovery, that needs to come first. If you’re a parent, your children should come first. Your dating and relationships should fit around your life. Living your life by what’s most important to you is what leads to a satisfying life. It also ensures that you’ll attract people who fit into your life. There are some values you don’t need to have in common, and some you do. Having children is a big one. If someone says they don’t want kids and you do, don’t date them.

Acceptance. That means accepting people the way they are. No matter how compatible two people are, there will always be some kind of irreconcilable differences in your relationships. These could be things like being an early riser vs. a later sleeper, or being messy vs. neat, being on time vs. being late. If you cannot accept that quality in the person, don’t date them thinking “I’ll get them to change.” In committed relationships, you’ll find a way to make things work if it’s really important to you, and you don’t make their qualities mean “they don’t love me” or “if they were committed they’d change that quality.”

H.A.L.T. – Don’t get to Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Don’t allow yourself to get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired, or you won’t be very pleasant to be around, and you may very well blame your mood on your partner. If you’re hungry, eat. If you’re angry, express it in an appropriate way and deal with the cause. If you’re lonely, reach out to connect to someone. If you’re tired, rest. Don’t expect someone else to meet those needs for you.

Keep coming back, it works if you work it. This popular saying from recovery can be applied to our relationships as well. “Keep coming back” means you're committed to the relationship - the small stuff and the big stuff, the easy stuff and the hard stuff. 

“It works if you work it” means that if you put work into the relationship, it will work. You don’t just find your soulmate and have it easy from then on because you’re “meant for each other.” It's definitely easier to be in relationship with someone you're compatible with, but it doesn't mean there's no work. Having open, clear, and direct communication is hard. In fact, teaching that is at the core of what I do as a boundaries coach. We just don’t get taught how to do that well, so learning how to do that well with your partner takes work.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If you’ve had the same argument or the same conversation repeatedly in your relationship, something's not working right. If you’re not doing anything to shift things so the conversation changes, that's the definition of insanity. What do you need to do differently? Most of us know it only takes one person to change a relationship. Unfortunately, what most of us believe is that one person is our partner, not us. Maybe you need outside help or some other shift in perspective, but something has to change. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

Progress not perfection. We can't expect perfection out of ourselves or anyone else, but we should expect progress. This is especially so in a committed relationship. If you’re not seeing progress in your dating relationship, then you probably shouldn't marry them. But you also shouldn't expect people to conform to your way of doing things. There are going to be certain things in your relationship that are deal breakers. It’s helpful to get clear on what those are before you date.

H.O.W. – Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness. I was told early in recovery, “This is H.O.W. it works.” You must have all three of these if recovery is going to work and if your relationships are going to work. If you’re not honest with your partner, then you're not really in the relationship with them. Be open-minded to the fact that there's something you don't know or something that you haven't tried, or there's you’re assuming about your partner that’s incorrect. So be open-minded that you don't know everything and you don't have all the answers. Willingness is imperative for a happy, healthy relationship. If you're willing to be in the relationship, and willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work - that’s called commitment. When you’re committed to someone, you’re willing to run through the muck with them and do whatever it takes to get to the other side of the muck. You’re committed whether things are easy for hard.

Understanding your part in things? This was my greatest gift of recovery - coming to understand my part in things. I learned this in Step 4 where I looked back at what I’d been doing that was creating chaos or exacerbating the chaos around me (especially in my relationships). If other people really are the problem in all your relationships, you’re screwed! So don’t assume things are always someone else’s fault. Look for what you could be doing differently. And remember, this is “info, not ammo.” It’s information to learn and grow from, not ammunition to beat yourself up. 

When you’re in a relationship, and there’s a recurring pattern, it behooves you to look for your part in things rather than automatically assuming it’s your partner.

For most blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Hello! We are the Community Investment team at Dwight Hall, Yale’s center for public service and social justice. We are part of a student group that manages Dwight Hall’s endowment, and each year we disburse unrestricted grants to support New Haven nonprofits.

This year, our group is looking to award two grants, of $3,800 each, to community organizations that are working to advance social justice in New Haven. If you are a small-to-medium size, registered nonprofit that would benefit from these unrestricted funds, please fill out the following form by Friday, March 22nd. 

Feel free to email me at ​​howard.dai@yale.edu or dwighthallsri@gmail.com if you have any questions! 

The New Haven City Plan Department is recruiting for Community Navigators, who will be helping to lead engagement for the Vision 2034 Comprehensive Plan. These are part-time, paid positions for New Haven residents. We are accepting applications through early February, and they can be accessed here:

English:  https://forms.gle/meJ61bHthYb2Vi8U8

Spanish: https://forms.gle/Z3hzHzaboDCZUdDPA

It is critical to the success of the plan that these engagement leaders be geographically, linguistically, and culturally representative of our city, with a variety of deep connections to communities within New Haven, particularly those often excluded by traditional methods of outreach. We are counting on community partners to help us identify residents who are passionate about their community, have strong interpersonal skills, and are really good listeners to apply for this position!

Thank you for helping get the word out to your constituents, and please do not hesitate to reach out to Assistant Director of Comprehensive Planning Esther Rose-Wilen (ERoseWilen@newhavenct.gov) or Director Laura Brown (LEBrown@newhavenct.gov) with questions or to connect us directly with interested residents. At the bottom of this post, there is a short blurb and flyer designed for circulation.

Other upcoming events and opportunities for participation will be up on our website soon: https://newhavenvision2034.com/

Paid Community Navigator position:

The City Plan Department is accepting applications to serve as a ‘Community Navigator’ engagement leader for Vision 2034, New Haven’s Comprehensive Plan.

This is a part-time, temporary position. Community Navigators will be involved in engagement across all plan topics, strategizing on how to reach populations often excluded by traditional outreach methods, acting as liaison to those groups/individuals, and trained to host and facilitate public input meetings using a facilitation toolkit. 

More information on the role and the application can be found here: https://forms.gle/meJ61bHthYb2Vi8U8

Puesto de navegador comunitario remunerado:

El Departamento de Planeación de la Ciudad está aceptando solicitudes para servir como un 'Navegador Comunitario' (líder de participación pública) para Visión 2034, el Plan Integral de New Haven.

Este es un puesto temporal a tiempo parcial. Los Navegadores Comunitarios apoyarán a la participación en todos los temas del plan, elaborarán estrategias sobre cómo llegar a las poblaciones a menudo excluidas por los métodos de extensión tradicionales, actuarán como enlace con esos grupos/individuos y estarán capacitados para organizar y facilitar reuniones de aportes públicos utilizando un conjunto de herramientas de facilitación.

Mas información sobre este papel, y la solicitud aquí: https://forms.gle/Z3hzHzaboDCZUdDPA

In 2014, I was a part of the CFGNH Neighborhood Leadership Program.  My project was to deliver workshops with parents seeking Restorative Parenting tools.  It was an amazing cohort of leaders from throughout New Haven who were vision holders, each in their own way working to make New Haven a great place to live.  Many of us, and our fellow cohorts, are still committed to this work today. 

In my current role at United Way, my job is to build a similar space specifically geared toward young parents and young people who care about being the change for their own children and communities.  Parent Leadership Training Institute (PLTI) is currently accepting applications from 18–24-year-olds who are looking for the support and tools they need to "be the change."  Our strategy is to invite the community to engage actively with the young people around them, meaning YOU.   Who do you think would benefit from learning about who they are as leaders, and how to be an active voice in our democracy on behalf of children? Go to our website, find our application, encourage your future leaders to apply! 

Part 5 of 5: Overcoming Unrealistic Expectations

Now that we're on my 5th essay about overcoming unrealistic expectations you might be thinking, “I’m starting to understand how to not have expectations ahead of time, but what if I'm still resentful because of an expectation I had in the past?” Good news! You can get rid of your expectations after the fact.

If you’re like me, it might be that you don’t even realize you had an expectation until that expectation doesn't get met. That is, you didn't even know that you had an expectation until you get upset and realize it after the fact. Maybe it was so subconscious that you weren’t even aware of it.

Here’s how I let go of my expectations after the fact: as soon as I realize I had an expectation, I “unhook” from that expectation (at least that’s what I call it). I retroactively let go of that expectation by looking at the situation and thinking to myself, “Oh, I had an expectation, and that’s why I’m upset.” Here are three examples.

When I said “I love you” to someone and they didn’t say it back, I got upset. When I looked at that, I realized I had an unconscious expectation of that person saying “I love you” back. 

The only way I realized I had that expectation is that I felt a little wounded when they didn't say it back to me. When I looked at it to examine what the wounding was about, I saw that it was about me having an expectation of them saying I love you back to me. That they should say “I love you” back to me.

Then I thought - why did I have that expectation? Did I tell that person I love them just so they’d say it back to me? Or did I say it as a genuine expression of how I was feeling in the moment? Honestly, I said it because that was a genuine expression of how I felt.

Now that I’m in recovery, I realize that the way to know people love me is through their actions, not just their words. Truth be told, I don’t say “I love you” to just anybody. I reserve those words for people that I know for certain I love. And I love them for who they are and how they make me feel, not because of what they may or may not say to me. 

As one friend in recovery says all the time, “Love takes effort” so it's not necessarily them telling me they love me that I feel loved. It’s from showing me that makes me feel loved, by doing kind, loving things for me (which may include saying I love you). I’d much rather have someone express their love to me genuinely because that’s what they’re feeling in the moment than have someone say “I love you” because they feel like they have to reciprocate.

Having expectations is very similar to making assumptions. Here’s another situation where I was able to unhook from my expectations after the fact. I made an assumption in a work situation. I assumed that simply because I was an employee of an organization that I’d automatically have access to some of the benefits the customers receive. When that didn't happen I was terribly upset. 

I had to do some thought work on it and realized I wanted special treatment. I assumed that just by being an employee of the organization, that meant I got the same benefits the customers get. 

That was not the case. I had an expectation of getting benefits that were not for me. When I acknowledged that, I was then able to unhook from my expectations, which removed my resentment. And let me tell you, I was pretty resentful about the situation! It was quite a relief to be able to let go of that resentment. I will say that it came back up a couple of times, but I was able to use my mature, adult brain to remind myself that my assumption had been wrong – I don’t get those benefits. I’m not a customer. 

Here’s another example that’s relatively benign. This is the kind of thing that used to send me reeling before recovery. I’m blessed that I’ve learned to accept so many things that used to really piss me off. 

There's a suburban-ish neighborhood here in New Haven with a stop light that I expect should work a certain way, and it doesn’t. Every time the light changes, there's a walk signal in between the lights changing. There are almost never any pedestrians at that intersection, mind you. And there are stop lights in downtown New Haven where there are pedestrians galore that don't have a pre-programmed pedestrian signal between light changes. 

Every time I got to that stop light with the walk signal, I’d get really annoyed. When I finally realized how much of my serenity it was taking, I did some thought work on it. I realized I had an unrealistic expectation that that light shouldn't be programmed that way. I can either continue to be resentful about that every single time I get to that light, or…I can let go of that expectation. 

I can also stop going through that intersection! Which I sometimes do, but it’s pretty inconvenient to do that. Now, when I get to that light and have to wait for the walk signal, I use it as an opportunity to make conscious contact with my Higher Power. I’ve let go of the expectation that there shouldn’t be a walk signal there. 

I hope these three examples for how to unhook from expectations after the fact will be enough for you to be able to start implementing this concept for yourself. If you weren’t able to lower your expectations ahead of time, hopefully you’ll be able to use this method and get rid of your expectations after the fact.

You're still going to have expectations from time to time, and maybe you won't even realize it until they're not met. But as soon as you realize “that was an expectation,” do the best you can to unhook from it to let go of your resentment so you can be happy, joyous and free.

For most blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Part 4 of 5: Overcoming Unrealistic Expectations

If she continues to have the expectation that communication will flow back and forth in organizations she’s involved in, and it's not happening, then that tells her where her boundary goes. Maybe she needs to leave. If that’s not something she’s willing to consider, and she continues to suffer, then she gets to change her expectations.

She gets to face that these people don't communicate well. But that doesn't mean she can't communicate well. She doesn’t have to change her expectations for herself. She can keep the flow of information going to them, knowing that they suck at communicating.

It’s really hard to know what the RIGHT thing is here. Maybe the organization is a well-oiled machine, and she just doesn’t have the hang of it yet. Or maybe she’s not communicating with the right person. Or, maybe she’s right, and they DO suck at communicating!

But the fact remains, they’re not communicating in ways that work for her. And she can’t change that, and it’s causing her to suffer. So… if she wants her suffering to end - if you want your suffering to end - you can choose to lower your expectation. Or you can decide, “This is not the right place for me,” and leave. Whatever you decide, know that if you’re suffering, only you have the ability to change that.

This is another example of how important it is to keep the focus on yourself. What are you doing or believing in a situation that is causing you difficulty? What’s your part? This was the greatest gift of my recovery - understanding my part and things. For many of the difficulties in my life “my part” was having unrealistic expectations.

Maybe in your situation, having unrealistic expectations of the people, places, things and institutions around you is causing suffering. It’s not what’s happening that’s causing your suffering, it’s not the circumstances that are causing suffering, it’s the expectation that there SHOULD be something different happening.

Keep the focus on yourself. That's where your lever for change is. It’s only within you. And maybe that lever is to lower your expectations.

For most blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Featuring Work by Sara Frucht, William Frucht, Candace Ovesey, and Martha Rives

City Gallery welcomes four members of the Frucht family for FAMILY ACT, with work by gallery member William Frucht, his sisters Sara Frucht and Martha Rives, and his wife, Candace Ovesey. The show will feature photography, painting, sculpture, digital art, mixed media, and animated computer graphics. It runs Friday, February 2 - Sunday, February 25, with a Reception on Sunday, February 25, from 2-4pm.

“We were not one of those families where our father sat all the children down one day and said, ‘You’ll be a lawyer, you’ll be a soldier’ and so on,” says William Frucht. “Still, it seemed clear early on that Martha was going to be the artist, Billy the writer, and Sara the mathematician. To a certain extent that’s what happened, except that we all gravitated, sooner or later, to the visual arts.” After Bill and Candace had been married for a while, she got into the act, too.

After practicing pen-and-ink and pastel drawing for many years, Candace started sculpting during the Covid pandemic. “Currently I am studying both drawing and sculpting at Silvermine Arts Center in New Canaan. I work mostly with terracotta clay, sometimes adding color with pen brushes. The piece on display here is a bas relief, where I dug down into the clay to create layers underneath.”

Her husband, photographer Bill Frucht, has been a member of City Gallery for seven years.. “My photography has followed two distinct paths,” he explains. “One path is photographing abandoned or distressed places with a large medium-format film camera and a tripod. The images that emerge are meditations on the slow evolution of the world: I am in a dialogue with the past, photographing processes that unfold over years and decades. The second path is street photography using a small digital camera. I immerse myself in the moment, trying not to think but simply flow, reacting to fleeting gestures, expressions, and chance arrangements of light and shadow that flicker into existence like virtual particles and then as quickly vanish.” Bill’s most recent work represents a third relationship with time. “Using a panoramic film camera that takes in different parts of the scene at different times, like some unforeseen merger of the classical and quantum worlds. This third path lies mostly in the future.”

Bill’s younger sister Sara Frucht is an artist, programmer and mathematician. “I believe math can best be understood visually, and that its beauty and elegance can be best expressed through art,” she says. “Rather than using paints and canvas to create art, I use mathematical formulas and computer code. My main tools are symmetry, tiling patterns, splines, fractals, color, transparency, and of course randomness. In all of my art, I am inspired by the purity of form and the luminosity of light and color interacting with it. I believe that the beauty of geometric forms can awaken in us a sense of connection with the physical world at its deepest level.”

Martha Rives, Bill’s older sister, works from her studio in Exeter, New Hampshire, where she's been focusing on mixed media art since Covid. “All of the pieces in this show were done as the country was emerging from the pandemic. They are representations of the living world: birth and rebirth, the rhythms of trees, the resilience of life under the pressures we humans put on it, the lush and glossy profusion of the tropics, patterns and rhythmic repetitions that are not quite patterns. Artmaking is about asking questions, exploring ideas, and doing the hard work of making a concept meet one’s visualization in a tangible form that is coherent and beautiful. I’m really having fun with this medium, and I plan on carrying through with my theme of ‘Life Rhythms’ for many more pieces.”

FAMILY ACT is free and open to the public, and will be on view Friday, February 2 - Sunday, February 25, with a Reception on Sunday, February 25, from 2-4pm. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12pm - 4 pm, or by appointment. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

By Liz Theoharis, originally published by Tom Dispatch

Part 3 of 5: Overcoming Unrealistic Expectations

Fairness is one of my most important values. I really want things to be fair for people. At the same time, I get that the world is not fair.

What I’ve come to learn is that just because fairness is a value of mine, that doesn't mean I have to be pissed off when things aren’t fair. Just because I don’t agree with something doesn’t mean I have to be pissed off about it. I didn’t know that until I got into recovery. To me, 

Disagreement = pissed off

What that means is that I was allowing all kinds of situations that bothered me to steal my serenity. It’s like I was fighting against reality, as if this should be fair. And that may be so in an ideal world, things should be fair for everyone. But who gets to decide what’s “fair?” My definition of fairness is not the same as yours.

I’ve come to understand that a lot of difficulty in my life gets removed once I  accept things the way they are. I don't always have a conscious idea in my head about the way they should be. I’ve learned that resentment is a good indicator of when I'm not accepting something. That’s often an indicator that I have some kind of an expectation that things should be different.

One of the ways I handle this now is to say to myself, “THIS is what’s happening.” Sometimes, I repeat it several times to myself, especially if I feel my resistance building. I think of saying that as inserting myself into the reality of the situation so I can face what’s actually happening instead of resisting against it and wishing it were different.

If I allowed the unfairness of the world to steal my serenity, I’d never have peace. There is so much unfairness in the world! If fairness is a strong value of yours, instead of getting pissed off and resentful about it, take action. Work toward creating circumstances, situations, opportunities and structures that are fair. Support organizations that work toward your definition of fairness.

That’s a much better use of your time and energy than using it to rail against people, organizations or situations that are not fair. That's a potentially endless endeavor because there is so much about this world that is not fair. If you spend all of your time being upset about that, you won't have time for anything else!

Stop expecting things to be fair! Acceptance means understanding that you acknowledge and understand that there are lots of things that are unfair. Our social structures were not set up to be fair, they were set up by and for certain types of people which means they set them up to benefit people like them. Some of that was done knowingly, some of it was not. 

If we don't like that and we want things to be fair, it’s our job to do what we can to change those things, to create new systems that are fair (or at least that fit our definition of what is “fair”).

You can still hold onto fairness as being a really important value. It will help guide you to where you want to spend your time and energy. You might spend your time and energy with other people, organizations and causes that hold your definition of fairness as a value. You might spend time and money with organizations that work toward your definition of fairness. That doesn't mean that you have to be pissed off all the time because the world isn’t a fair place.

Instead of demanding fairness of the world, try to create fairness. Here are some quotes that might help with this mindset shift.

“Stop hoping to hear a good song and start singing one.”

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

“If the world is cold, make it your business to build fires.” ~ Horace Traubel

BElieve

THEre is

GOOD.

I especially love this last one because the way it’s depicted says both “be the good” and “believe there is good.” It helps us understand that it’s easy to believe there is good if we are being the good. We're both creating the belief and the evidence for the belief by being the good.

You can continue to expect fairness and walk around being pissed off all the time, or you can accept that the world is unfair and take action. In other words, you can continue to expect fairness, but you’re going to suffer. That’s not on the world, it’s on you.

For most blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Part 2 of 5: Overcoming Unrealistic Expectations

The reason I’m doing this five-part series is that having unrealistic expectations has been the story of my life. Letting go of those expectations has been an enormous part of my recovery and something I continue to deal with. I almost wrote “struggle” with, but it’s not a struggle the way it used to be. I see it and am much more able to let go more quickly.

But, of course, that was not always the case. Even when I could see I had unrealistic expectations, the letting go part was very rough. In fact, those were two of the top defects of character I discovered in taking a searching and fearless moral inventory of my life - unrealistic expectations and the inability to let things go. 

I’d have unrealistic expectations of people and couldn't let them go. Then, I’d make people “pay” for not living up to my unrealistic expectations. Their “payment” was mostly in my mind, but I’d also be a dick to them for not living up to my unrealistic expectations. And I’d blame them for being assholes. 

And that’s one of the things I want to address in this essay – laying blame. 

There’s a saying in recovery, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

The reason that’s a saying is that many of us in recovery have such unrealistic expectations of others that we don’t believe them when they show us who they are. Not the first time, or the second time, or maybe even the 100th time. That in itself is bad enough. What’s worse is that we then blame them for being the same person they’ve been the whole time.

There have been a number of times when someone showed me who they were, and I didn’t believe them. There was a friend who was notorious for blowing people off who I recommended as a contractor for another friend who was notorious for not following through on things. I was actually shocked when things didn’t work out between them, and the contractor got fired.

I had an unrealistic expectation that they’d somehow change their ways and each follow through on the commitments they’d made to each other regarding the contracting job.

There was my friend Dan who actually said to me, “You probably shouldn’t trust me” and then violated my trust. And I got mad at him for not being trustworthy. Dan is the same unhoused friend who helped me hit my codependent bottom and get into recovery, so this is yet another lesson he taught me for which I’m grateful.

I had an unrealistic expectation that someone who told me he’s untrustworthy would somehow magically become trustworthy. 

Then there was the colleague with whom I continued to do business, despite repeated difficulty in getting her to clarify what was included in the purchase I made, what the pricing was, and when the delivery would be made. And I got really pissed off and came close to letting “her” ruin the weekend plans I’d made around her products and delivery.

I had an unrealistic expectation that someone who was very difficult to work with through the entire purchase process would somehow come through in the end with excellent service and exceed my expectations.

When someone shows you – especially repeatedly – that they’re a certain way, face facts. 

If they never follow through, expect them to not follow through.

If they’re always insensitive, expect them to be insensitive.

If they’re continually cold and unfeeling, expect them to be cold, and unfeeling.

If they’ve proven themselves untrustworthy, expect them to be untrustworthy.

Don’t blame them when they continue behaving in ways they always have. You’re the one with the unrealistic expectation. And please, don’t use this to beat yourself up either! This is info, not ammo.

When it came to untrustworthy people, I acted like if I just love them enough, they’ll turn into a trustworthy person. I can see now that that was my stance, but I was blind to it until recovery. I learned in step 4 that “my part” in those situations was trusting someone who was untrustworthy. 

When you get your expectations in line with who the people around you are, life becomes much more peaceful. Instead of trying to manipulate people into being who we want them to be or walking around blaming others for our unrealistic expectations, we get to live in reality: this is what s/he’s like.

As they say, the truth shall set you free. When you expect people to be the way they already are, you let them off the hook. And you allow yourself to live in reality, which is so much easier than being continually disappointed with those around for being who they already are.

For most blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

The Community Foundation for Greater New Haven is seeking a qualified candidate for the position of Project Director, Connecticut Consortium for BIPOC Technologists (CCBT).

The application deadline is January 21, 2024.

For more information and to apply, click here.

Patricia Somorcurcio, originally from Peru, has resided in Hartford for over a decade. She has a 4-year-old daughter diagnosed with stage one autism, who attends a special needs speech and behavior therapy program...

More...

https://www.ctpublic.org/news/2024-01-09/immigrant-families-suffer-in-cts-child-care-crisis-a-report-says-universal-funding-could-fix-that

The report says the number of preschool slots alone has dropped 4% from 2022, to the lowest number since at least 2005.

Read more...

https://ctmirror.org/2024/01/09/ct-voices-children-child-care-preschool

Part 1 of 5: Overcoming Unrealistic Expectations

Photo Credit: ph-m-chung

One of the most disruptive patterns I discovered in early recovery was that I had all kinds of unrealistic expectations - of myself, others and the world. Since this was such an enormous part of my recovery, I’m doing a five-part series on overcoming unrealistic expectations.

I’d heard well before recovery, “expectations are premeditated resentments,” but I had no idea how to NOT have expectations! I just couldn’t wrap my mind around that - how do you live in the world and not have expectations?! Here’s an example from my own recovery journey to illustrate.

At the time I started recovery, I’d worked for my boss for many years. I loved her dearly, and she drove me crazy! I now know that the vast majority of my issues with her were because of my unrealistic expectations.

I couldn't count on her because she frequently didn't do what she said she was going to do. She didn't follow through, and she incorrectly estimated time for just about everything. There was not much she said she was going to do that I could count on.

The thing is, that’s what she was like since the day I met her.

Yet I kept having these expectations that she should be different than that.

Soon into my recovery journey, I came across a reading that helped me with this. The reading mentioned that learning better ways of dealing with other people is a lifelong process and that recovery teaches us things that help, like acceptance.

The writer mentioned having had all sorts of expectations about others’ abilities and behavior, like that they should be competent, capable, and productive, behave rationally and be true to their word. Then the writer said, “These are my expectations for myself, and I've had to let them go for others.” The author went on to say they still get disappointed when someone doesn't follow through, but they don't let it ruin their serenity. 

Whoa! What?! I can have different expectations of others than I do for myself?? And I don’t have to let others ruin my serenity?! This was mind blowing to me! 

What I’ve come to realize is that it may be reasonable in a professional setting to expect people to follow through on what they say they’re going to do. However, if someone has shown you repeatedly that they aren’t going to follow through, then it’s an unrealistic expectation for that person. That is, it may be reasonable and also unrealistic.

This was exceedingly difficult for me to accept, but I eventually did because of the enormous amount of work I did on learning to accept things I previously saw as unacceptable. That had an enormous influence in changing my life.

When I applied the concept of acceptance to the situation with my boss, I was able to let go of the outcome of each situation involving her. That is, I really got, “This is what she’s like – she doesn’t follow through.” No amount of wishing, hoping or manipulating on my part is going to turn her into someone who follows through. 

I was blaming HER for my unrealistic expectations, when she was being exactly the same person the entire time.

The way I tackled letting go unrealistic expectations was kind of like “Monday morning quarterbacking.” I’d look at a situation that upset me after the fact and ask myself, “What went on here?” and I'd realize, “Oh, that was me having unrealistic expectations.” That happened again and again and again.  

That continual reflection sensitized me to the types of situations where I was likely to have unrealistic expectations. That eventually enabled me to see these types of situations ahead of time as opportunities to not have unrealistic expectations - to not be tied to the outcome.

This doesn't mean I don't ever have expectations of people. What it does mean is that when I get upset that things don't turn out the way I want them to, I can say, “Oh I had an expectation there.” As soon as I realize that my difficulty is a result of MY expectation and NOT a result of the other person, it removes any resentment. It also releases any tension I had.

I now understand that if I want peace and serenity (which I do) I can let go of that expectation. I change the way I think about how I think the situation should have turned out. That practice has helped me recognize when I’m forming expectations.

I can’t describe how enormously this practice has impacted my recovery and my peace of mind. Serenity is inversely proportional to expectations and directly proportional to acceptance. So keep your mind ON acceptance and OFF expectations because what you focus on grows (recovery), and what you ignore diminishes (negativity).

For most blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Photo Credit: Dayne Topkin

When I first heard the saying, “It's none of your business what other people think of you”, I had no idea what that meant. I seriously couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Every time I thought about that saying, it just baffled me.

I now know it baffled me because of my codependence, which meant I was super focused on what others thought of me. That was outside my awareness though, which explains why this statement was so baffling. 

Early in my recovery, I heard a speaker say, “It's none of your business what other people think of you. What is your business is what you think of you.” WOW!! That was mind-boggling. I hadn’t really considered what I thought of myself. 

This was one of many things in recovery that helped me understand that I was so focused on others’ opinions of me and getting their approval. I had no idea that was true about me. In fact, when I first heard the term “people-pleaser” I didn’t think it referred to me. For an introspective person who’s been on a personal growth journey since age 24, that’s pretty astonishing, but oh so true!

Being so focused on getting others’ approval meant that if there was the slightest hint I didn’t have someone’s approval, I made it mean that there was something bad or wrong with me. Then I’d make it my mission to try to get them to approve of me.

Sound familiar? If that’s you, perhaps you bend over backwards for others, or try to pretend you like things that you don't. Or instead, you may try to make that person wrong or bad in your mind. We do all these things because we care more about what they think about us than what we think about us. 

Here are a couple of examples of how to shift your thinking on this from Brooke Castillo of the Life Coach School. The first such shift we’ll call “The Peach.” Let’s say you're a peach, and someone bites into you, and they don't like you because they don't like peaches. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you as the peach, or that there's anything wrong with them. They just don't like peaches. No value judgment. 

It’s easy to understand and buy into this concept when we're talking about peaches, but when someone doesn't like us as a person, we take that sooo personally. Think of yourself like this: I’m a peach – and some people just don’t like peaches. That’s it. It doesn’t need to mean anything more than that.

Brooke’s second mindset shift we’ll call “The Constant.” Let's say you walk into a room with ten people. If what you did and said were the only factors influencing what they think of you, then all ten of those people would think the exact same thing of you. But that’s not how it works. Every person is going to have a different opinion of you. 

You’re the same you. You’re the constant. But their opinions are based on their life experience, especially their perception, which is always individualized and subjective. Perhaps you remind them of a former colleague they loved, so they feel good toward you. Or perhaps you remind them of a former teacher who humiliated them so they take an extreme dislike of you. The possibilities are endless. The point is that very little of how people respond to you has to do with you. It has much more to do with them. Otherwise, everyone would have the same opinion of you. 

What YOU think of yourself is so much more important and valuable than what others think. It’s fine to seek others’ approval, but only when you have your own approval first.  You have to live in your skin, in your life. They don’t.

For most blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Photo Credit: Tim Mossholder

I believe I’ve always pretty much liked myself. But I realized in recovery that I didn’t really love myself, and I didn’t feel worthy. When I inventoried my life, I could see, “Those were not the behaviors of a woman who feels worthy and loves herself.” Learning to love myself has been one of the most incredible gifts of recovery.

It’s also a gift that many of my clients receive in the process of building healthy boundaries. That’s because building boundaries is a process of getting to know yourself, learning to show up for yourself, and doing more of what you like and less of what you don’t like. Who wouldn’t love someone who does all those things for them?! So you won’t be surprised to see that “set boundaries” is the next item on this list!
In case you missed parts 2 and 3, here’s what was on them:

1. Get help for your addiction
2. Stop judging yourself so harshly
3. Reparent yourself
4. Mirror work
5. Take care of your physical body
6. Connect with something greater than yourself
7. Step away from chaos
8. Take care of your physical environment
9. Learn to ask for help
10. Be present
11. Use gentle language with yourself

Below are my last five suggestions for how to love yourself. Of course, there are many other ways you can grow to love yourself. I’d love to hear how you love yourself. Drop me an email here to let me know how.

12. Set boundaries. Shocking for a boundaries coach, I know! My experience of learning to set healthy boundaries was that I got to know myself through the experimental process (and it’s always an experimental process). I learned, “I really don’t like that” and “I guess I do like this.” I’d been such a chameleon before recovery that there was much of me that was up for negotiation. Building boundaries helped me discover who I really am, and what I really want, like, need, and prefer.

As I got to know what was okay and not okay with me, I began to follow through on those preferences more and more. When I set a boundary, I felt better about myself because I showed up for myself in ways I hadn’t before. Then, because I felt better about myself, it was easier to set the next boundary. Getting to know yourself better and standing up for yourself is an incredible way to love yourself!

13. Give yourself peace. What I’ve discovered as I’ve gotten to know myself better is that what I want more than anything else is peace. I lived with such drama and chaos much of my life, especially internally, that I’m done with all that shit! I want peace.

I often ask myself, “What do I need to do to have peace?” For me, twice daily meditation is imperative. Consistent conscious contact with my Higher Power is also essential. I also stay away from people who are not peaceful. I slow down and take breaks instead of operating with a sense of urgency all the time. I stay away from controversy, and that includes staying away from the news, current events, and politics. The first few years I stopped paying attention to those things, I was afraid people would think I was ignorant and uninformed. Then I realized I AM ignorant and uninformed! AND I have peace. I’ll take peace any day. It feels really loving.

14. Stop the negative self-talk. In my late 20s, I discovered that I had a really super negative self-talk. I’d say horrendous things to myself in my head. I wasn’t even aware of it until it was pointed out to me in a book where other people’s negative thoughts were revealed. I read their words and said “Holy shit! I say that stuff to myself too!” It’s kind of shocking to know that that stuff had been running like a ticker tape through my mind all the time, yet I wasn’t aware of it.

Clean up your negative self-talk! This is crucial. You cannot love yourself or have a well-lived life when the background noise of your life is full of shitty things about you. Because you come to believe those things. A belief is essentially a thought you’ve thought for so long that you’ve come to believe that it’s the truth. You’ve gotta turn that messaging off! The best way to do that is to replace it with something else. I’ve written two articles about how to clean up your thought life. They can be found here and here. 

15. Affirmations. This is sort of a follow-up on #14. I know some people think saying affirmations are hoaky bullshit. And that may be true for some people, but it’s been a game-changer for me. Think about someone you love. If you continually say kind and loving things to them, don’t you think it would have an impact on your relationship with them? 

The same is true for yourself. It’s hard to have a loving relationship with anyone without words of affirmation. In fact, “words of affirmation” is one of the Five Love Languages in the book by Gary Chapman. If you’re not familiar with the concept, I encourage you to take Chapman’s test here to find out your love language. Then love yourself in the way you best receive love. And teach others to love you similarly.

Be kind to yourself, especially in your mind. Say affirmative things to yourself. You deserve it.

16. Live in alignment with your values. I had no idea I wasn’t living in alignment with my values until I got into recovery. Part of step 12 is that we “practice these principles in all our affairs.” What that means is that we live in alignment with the spiritual principles of our 12-step fellowship. The reason we do this is because we’re so much less likely to relapse when we’re doing the right things. It’s loving to live in alignment with your values.

I was violating my values all over the place before recovery, especially about honesty. Before recovery, I truly believed I was an honest person. Nope! I lied about food, drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, and my relationships. Probably the largest portion of my dishonesty had to do with my people-pleasing behaviors - I’d agree to things that I didn't want to do, I acted like things were okay with me that weren’t, and said no to things I really wanted to do so I wouldn’t be judged or because it would be inconvenient for others. 

I didn't know it at the time, but I was doing it because I wanted people to approve of me. I could go on and on about the ways I violated my values, yet I thought I was a very values-oriented person. 

One of the reasons living in alignment with your values contributes to self-love is that you become proud of yourself. You’ll know you’re an honest woman of integrity. It’s also way less draining to live in alignment with your values, and who doesn’t want more energy?! Living aligned is so much easier, and the things you value are likely to light you up. Doing things that light you up is loving.  

Of course, there are plenty of other ways you can learn to fall in love with yourself (and I’d love to hear how you’re doing it, email me here. These are just some of the ways I’ve learned how to do it. What one will you try first?

Featuring Work by Judy Atlas, Meg Bloom, Phyllis Crowley, and Rita Hannafin

French painter Henri Matisse once explained, “When I apply green, that does not mean grass, when I apply blue, that does not mean sky.” Abstract Art does not attempt to be literal in that way; it uses other means to express the feelings and visions of the artists, guiding the viewers to new perspectives. Come see for yourself during BLUE DOES NOT MEAN SKY, a City Gallery Group Show featuring abstract work by artists Judy Atlas, Meg Bloom, Phyllis Crowley, and Rita Hannafin on view from January 5 through January 28, with an Artist Reception on Saturday, January 13, 2:00 - 4:00 p.m.(Snow date Sunday January 14 2:00 - 4:00). In addition, artists will be in the Gallery on January 7 (Crowley), January 14 (Atlas), January 21 (Bloom), and January 28 (Hannafin).

Abstract painter Judy Atlas expresses her exploration of the patterns, shapes, lines and movements found in nature and everyday life. Her paintings in this exhibit return to her “flux” series, communicating the sense or state of always flowing, yet never ending.

Meg Bloom finds beauty in the imperfect and impermanent. Through her sculptures and mixed media works, her art marks moments of transience as she responds to the world around her. Her art almost always references nature and reflects the increased urgency she feels to respond to the chaos and destructiveness in the environment, whether natural or man-made.

Phyllis Crowley combines photographs to make new relationships that bring her closer to the original emotional experience. The images speak to each other, create different ideas and associations, often emphasizing elements that are subdued in each original. The process is similar to building a story sentence by sentence; or even more, in writing a poem with the words carefully chosen, and the placement critical.

Rooted in a traditional quilt-making background, art quilter Rita Hannafin explores abstraction to express a new perspective of personal images that inspire her. Her series in this group show begins with an orderly vista and morphs into a chaotic construct. The underlying emotion is the energy of New York City which serves to unify the work.

Offering a unique opportunity to explore abstract art in a variety of media, BLUE DOES NOT MEAN SKY is free and open to the public. It will be on view from January 5 through January 28, with an Artist Reception on Saturday, January 13, 2:00 - 4:00 p.m. (Snow date Sunday January 14 2:00 - 4:00). City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12pm - 4 pm, or by appointment. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

Patrick Greenfield

Wed 29 Nov 2023 06.00 EST

The natural world underpins human civilisation on every corner of the planet. From oceans to rainforests, grasslands to mangrove swamps, ecosystems feed billions of humans, produce clean water and provide materials for shelter. As the planet heats, scientists and conservationists are urging the world to harness and restore nature to maintain a habitable planet.

https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2023/nov/29/from-tree-planting-to-sponge-cities-why-nature-based-solutions-are-crucial-to-fighting-the-climate-crisis