In 2014, I was a part of the CFGNH Neighborhood Leadership Program.  My project was to deliver workshops with parents seeking Restorative Parenting tools.  It was an amazing cohort of leaders from throughout New Haven who were vision holders, each in their own way working to make New Haven a great place to live.  Many of us, and our fellow cohorts, are still committed to this work today. 

In my current role at United Way, my job is to build a similar space specifically geared toward young parents and young people who care about being the change for their own children and communities.  Parent Leadership Training Institute (PLTI) is currently accepting applications from 18–24-year-olds who are looking for the support and tools they need to "be the change."  Our strategy is to invite the community to engage actively with the young people around them, meaning YOU.   Who do you think would benefit from learning about who they are as leaders, and how to be an active voice in our democracy on behalf of children? Go to our website, find our application, encourage your future leaders to apply! 

Part 5 of 5: Overcoming Unrealistic Expectations

Now that we're on my 5th essay about overcoming unrealistic expectations you might be thinking, “I’m starting to understand how to not have expectations ahead of time, but what if I'm still resentful because of an expectation I had in the past?” Good news! You can get rid of your expectations after the fact.

If you’re like me, it might be that you don’t even realize you had an expectation until that expectation doesn't get met. That is, you didn't even know that you had an expectation until you get upset and realize it after the fact. Maybe it was so subconscious that you weren’t even aware of it.

Here’s how I let go of my expectations after the fact: as soon as I realize I had an expectation, I “unhook” from that expectation (at least that’s what I call it). I retroactively let go of that expectation by looking at the situation and thinking to myself, “Oh, I had an expectation, and that’s why I’m upset.” Here are three examples.

When I said “I love you” to someone and they didn’t say it back, I got upset. When I looked at that, I realized I had an unconscious expectation of that person saying “I love you” back. 

The only way I realized I had that expectation is that I felt a little wounded when they didn't say it back to me. When I looked at it to examine what the wounding was about, I saw that it was about me having an expectation of them saying I love you back to me. That they should say “I love you” back to me.

Then I thought - why did I have that expectation? Did I tell that person I love them just so they’d say it back to me? Or did I say it as a genuine expression of how I was feeling in the moment? Honestly, I said it because that was a genuine expression of how I felt.

Now that I’m in recovery, I realize that the way to know people love me is through their actions, not just their words. Truth be told, I don’t say “I love you” to just anybody. I reserve those words for people that I know for certain I love. And I love them for who they are and how they make me feel, not because of what they may or may not say to me. 

As one friend in recovery says all the time, “Love takes effort” so it's not necessarily them telling me they love me that I feel loved. It’s from showing me that makes me feel loved, by doing kind, loving things for me (which may include saying I love you). I’d much rather have someone express their love to me genuinely because that’s what they’re feeling in the moment than have someone say “I love you” because they feel like they have to reciprocate.

Having expectations is very similar to making assumptions. Here’s another situation where I was able to unhook from my expectations after the fact. I made an assumption in a work situation. I assumed that simply because I was an employee of an organization that I’d automatically have access to some of the benefits the customers receive. When that didn't happen I was terribly upset. 

I had to do some thought work on it and realized I wanted special treatment. I assumed that just by being an employee of the organization, that meant I got the same benefits the customers get. 

That was not the case. I had an expectation of getting benefits that were not for me. When I acknowledged that, I was then able to unhook from my expectations, which removed my resentment. And let me tell you, I was pretty resentful about the situation! It was quite a relief to be able to let go of that resentment. I will say that it came back up a couple of times, but I was able to use my mature, adult brain to remind myself that my assumption had been wrong – I don’t get those benefits. I’m not a customer. 

Here’s another example that’s relatively benign. This is the kind of thing that used to send me reeling before recovery. I’m blessed that I’ve learned to accept so many things that used to really piss me off. 

There's a suburban-ish neighborhood here in New Haven with a stop light that I expect should work a certain way, and it doesn’t. Every time the light changes, there's a walk signal in between the lights changing. There are almost never any pedestrians at that intersection, mind you. And there are stop lights in downtown New Haven where there are pedestrians galore that don't have a pre-programmed pedestrian signal between light changes. 

Every time I got to that stop light with the walk signal, I’d get really annoyed. When I finally realized how much of my serenity it was taking, I did some thought work on it. I realized I had an unrealistic expectation that that light shouldn't be programmed that way. I can either continue to be resentful about that every single time I get to that light, or…I can let go of that expectation. 

I can also stop going through that intersection! Which I sometimes do, but it’s pretty inconvenient to do that. Now, when I get to that light and have to wait for the walk signal, I use it as an opportunity to make conscious contact with my Higher Power. I’ve let go of the expectation that there shouldn’t be a walk signal there. 

I hope these three examples for how to unhook from expectations after the fact will be enough for you to be able to start implementing this concept for yourself. If you weren’t able to lower your expectations ahead of time, hopefully you’ll be able to use this method and get rid of your expectations after the fact.

You're still going to have expectations from time to time, and maybe you won't even realize it until they're not met. But as soon as you realize “that was an expectation,” do the best you can to unhook from it to let go of your resentment so you can be happy, joyous and free.

For most blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Part 4 of 5: Overcoming Unrealistic Expectations

If she continues to have the expectation that communication will flow back and forth in organizations she’s involved in, and it's not happening, then that tells her where her boundary goes. Maybe she needs to leave. If that’s not something she’s willing to consider, and she continues to suffer, then she gets to change her expectations.

She gets to face that these people don't communicate well. But that doesn't mean she can't communicate well. She doesn’t have to change her expectations for herself. She can keep the flow of information going to them, knowing that they suck at communicating.

It’s really hard to know what the RIGHT thing is here. Maybe the organization is a well-oiled machine, and she just doesn’t have the hang of it yet. Or maybe she’s not communicating with the right person. Or, maybe she’s right, and they DO suck at communicating!

But the fact remains, they’re not communicating in ways that work for her. And she can’t change that, and it’s causing her to suffer. So… if she wants her suffering to end - if you want your suffering to end - you can choose to lower your expectation. Or you can decide, “This is not the right place for me,” and leave. Whatever you decide, know that if you’re suffering, only you have the ability to change that.

This is another example of how important it is to keep the focus on yourself. What are you doing or believing in a situation that is causing you difficulty? What’s your part? This was the greatest gift of my recovery - understanding my part and things. For many of the difficulties in my life “my part” was having unrealistic expectations.

Maybe in your situation, having unrealistic expectations of the people, places, things and institutions around you is causing suffering. It’s not what’s happening that’s causing your suffering, it’s not the circumstances that are causing suffering, it’s the expectation that there SHOULD be something different happening.

Keep the focus on yourself. That's where your lever for change is. It’s only within you. And maybe that lever is to lower your expectations.

For most blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Featuring Work by Sara Frucht, William Frucht, Candace Ovesey, and Martha Rives

City Gallery welcomes four members of the Frucht family for FAMILY ACT, with work by gallery member William Frucht, his sisters Sara Frucht and Martha Rives, and his wife, Candace Ovesey. The show will feature photography, painting, sculpture, digital art, mixed media, and animated computer graphics. It runs Friday, February 2 - Sunday, February 25, with a Reception on Sunday, February 25, from 2-4pm.

“We were not one of those families where our father sat all the children down one day and said, ‘You’ll be a lawyer, you’ll be a soldier’ and so on,” says William Frucht. “Still, it seemed clear early on that Martha was going to be the artist, Billy the writer, and Sara the mathematician. To a certain extent that’s what happened, except that we all gravitated, sooner or later, to the visual arts.” After Bill and Candace had been married for a while, she got into the act, too.

After practicing pen-and-ink and pastel drawing for many years, Candace started sculpting during the Covid pandemic. “Currently I am studying both drawing and sculpting at Silvermine Arts Center in New Canaan. I work mostly with terracotta clay, sometimes adding color with pen brushes. The piece on display here is a bas relief, where I dug down into the clay to create layers underneath.”

Her husband, photographer Bill Frucht, has been a member of City Gallery for seven years.. “My photography has followed two distinct paths,” he explains. “One path is photographing abandoned or distressed places with a large medium-format film camera and a tripod. The images that emerge are meditations on the slow evolution of the world: I am in a dialogue with the past, photographing processes that unfold over years and decades. The second path is street photography using a small digital camera. I immerse myself in the moment, trying not to think but simply flow, reacting to fleeting gestures, expressions, and chance arrangements of light and shadow that flicker into existence like virtual particles and then as quickly vanish.” Bill’s most recent work represents a third relationship with time. “Using a panoramic film camera that takes in different parts of the scene at different times, like some unforeseen merger of the classical and quantum worlds. This third path lies mostly in the future.”

Bill’s younger sister Sara Frucht is an artist, programmer and mathematician. “I believe math can best be understood visually, and that its beauty and elegance can be best expressed through art,” she says. “Rather than using paints and canvas to create art, I use mathematical formulas and computer code. My main tools are symmetry, tiling patterns, splines, fractals, color, transparency, and of course randomness. In all of my art, I am inspired by the purity of form and the luminosity of light and color interacting with it. I believe that the beauty of geometric forms can awaken in us a sense of connection with the physical world at its deepest level.”

Martha Rives, Bill’s older sister, works from her studio in Exeter, New Hampshire, where she's been focusing on mixed media art since Covid. “All of the pieces in this show were done as the country was emerging from the pandemic. They are representations of the living world: birth and rebirth, the rhythms of trees, the resilience of life under the pressures we humans put on it, the lush and glossy profusion of the tropics, patterns and rhythmic repetitions that are not quite patterns. Artmaking is about asking questions, exploring ideas, and doing the hard work of making a concept meet one’s visualization in a tangible form that is coherent and beautiful. I’m really having fun with this medium, and I plan on carrying through with my theme of ‘Life Rhythms’ for many more pieces.”

FAMILY ACT is free and open to the public, and will be on view Friday, February 2 - Sunday, February 25, with a Reception on Sunday, February 25, from 2-4pm. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12pm - 4 pm, or by appointment. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

By Liz Theoharis, originally published by Tom Dispatch

Part 3 of 5: Overcoming Unrealistic Expectations

Fairness is one of my most important values. I really want things to be fair for people. At the same time, I get that the world is not fair.

What I’ve come to learn is that just because fairness is a value of mine, that doesn't mean I have to be pissed off when things aren’t fair. Just because I don’t agree with something doesn’t mean I have to be pissed off about it. I didn’t know that until I got into recovery. To me, 

Disagreement = pissed off

What that means is that I was allowing all kinds of situations that bothered me to steal my serenity. It’s like I was fighting against reality, as if this should be fair. And that may be so in an ideal world, things should be fair for everyone. But who gets to decide what’s “fair?” My definition of fairness is not the same as yours.

I’ve come to understand that a lot of difficulty in my life gets removed once I  accept things the way they are. I don't always have a conscious idea in my head about the way they should be. I’ve learned that resentment is a good indicator of when I'm not accepting something. That’s often an indicator that I have some kind of an expectation that things should be different.

One of the ways I handle this now is to say to myself, “THIS is what’s happening.” Sometimes, I repeat it several times to myself, especially if I feel my resistance building. I think of saying that as inserting myself into the reality of the situation so I can face what’s actually happening instead of resisting against it and wishing it were different.

If I allowed the unfairness of the world to steal my serenity, I’d never have peace. There is so much unfairness in the world! If fairness is a strong value of yours, instead of getting pissed off and resentful about it, take action. Work toward creating circumstances, situations, opportunities and structures that are fair. Support organizations that work toward your definition of fairness.

That’s a much better use of your time and energy than using it to rail against people, organizations or situations that are not fair. That's a potentially endless endeavor because there is so much about this world that is not fair. If you spend all of your time being upset about that, you won't have time for anything else!

Stop expecting things to be fair! Acceptance means understanding that you acknowledge and understand that there are lots of things that are unfair. Our social structures were not set up to be fair, they were set up by and for certain types of people which means they set them up to benefit people like them. Some of that was done knowingly, some of it was not. 

If we don't like that and we want things to be fair, it’s our job to do what we can to change those things, to create new systems that are fair (or at least that fit our definition of what is “fair”).

You can still hold onto fairness as being a really important value. It will help guide you to where you want to spend your time and energy. You might spend your time and energy with other people, organizations and causes that hold your definition of fairness as a value. You might spend time and money with organizations that work toward your definition of fairness. That doesn't mean that you have to be pissed off all the time because the world isn’t a fair place.

Instead of demanding fairness of the world, try to create fairness. Here are some quotes that might help with this mindset shift.

“Stop hoping to hear a good song and start singing one.”

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

“If the world is cold, make it your business to build fires.” ~ Horace Traubel

BElieve

THEre is

GOOD.

I especially love this last one because the way it’s depicted says both “be the good” and “believe there is good.” It helps us understand that it’s easy to believe there is good if we are being the good. We're both creating the belief and the evidence for the belief by being the good.

You can continue to expect fairness and walk around being pissed off all the time, or you can accept that the world is unfair and take action. In other words, you can continue to expect fairness, but you’re going to suffer. That’s not on the world, it’s on you.

For most blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Part 2 of 5: Overcoming Unrealistic Expectations

The reason I’m doing this five-part series is that having unrealistic expectations has been the story of my life. Letting go of those expectations has been an enormous part of my recovery and something I continue to deal with. I almost wrote “struggle” with, but it’s not a struggle the way it used to be. I see it and am much more able to let go more quickly.

But, of course, that was not always the case. Even when I could see I had unrealistic expectations, the letting go part was very rough. In fact, those were two of the top defects of character I discovered in taking a searching and fearless moral inventory of my life - unrealistic expectations and the inability to let things go. 

I’d have unrealistic expectations of people and couldn't let them go. Then, I’d make people “pay” for not living up to my unrealistic expectations. Their “payment” was mostly in my mind, but I’d also be a dick to them for not living up to my unrealistic expectations. And I’d blame them for being assholes. 

And that’s one of the things I want to address in this essay – laying blame. 

There’s a saying in recovery, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

The reason that’s a saying is that many of us in recovery have such unrealistic expectations of others that we don’t believe them when they show us who they are. Not the first time, or the second time, or maybe even the 100th time. That in itself is bad enough. What’s worse is that we then blame them for being the same person they’ve been the whole time.

There have been a number of times when someone showed me who they were, and I didn’t believe them. There was a friend who was notorious for blowing people off who I recommended as a contractor for another friend who was notorious for not following through on things. I was actually shocked when things didn’t work out between them, and the contractor got fired.

I had an unrealistic expectation that they’d somehow change their ways and each follow through on the commitments they’d made to each other regarding the contracting job.

There was my friend Dan who actually said to me, “You probably shouldn’t trust me” and then violated my trust. And I got mad at him for not being trustworthy. Dan is the same unhoused friend who helped me hit my codependent bottom and get into recovery, so this is yet another lesson he taught me for which I’m grateful.

I had an unrealistic expectation that someone who told me he’s untrustworthy would somehow magically become trustworthy. 

Then there was the colleague with whom I continued to do business, despite repeated difficulty in getting her to clarify what was included in the purchase I made, what the pricing was, and when the delivery would be made. And I got really pissed off and came close to letting “her” ruin the weekend plans I’d made around her products and delivery.

I had an unrealistic expectation that someone who was very difficult to work with through the entire purchase process would somehow come through in the end with excellent service and exceed my expectations.

When someone shows you – especially repeatedly – that they’re a certain way, face facts. 

If they never follow through, expect them to not follow through.

If they’re always insensitive, expect them to be insensitive.

If they’re continually cold and unfeeling, expect them to be cold, and unfeeling.

If they’ve proven themselves untrustworthy, expect them to be untrustworthy.

Don’t blame them when they continue behaving in ways they always have. You’re the one with the unrealistic expectation. And please, don’t use this to beat yourself up either! This is info, not ammo.

When it came to untrustworthy people, I acted like if I just love them enough, they’ll turn into a trustworthy person. I can see now that that was my stance, but I was blind to it until recovery. I learned in step 4 that “my part” in those situations was trusting someone who was untrustworthy. 

When you get your expectations in line with who the people around you are, life becomes much more peaceful. Instead of trying to manipulate people into being who we want them to be or walking around blaming others for our unrealistic expectations, we get to live in reality: this is what s/he’s like.

As they say, the truth shall set you free. When you expect people to be the way they already are, you let them off the hook. And you allow yourself to live in reality, which is so much easier than being continually disappointed with those around for being who they already are.

For most blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

The Community Foundation for Greater New Haven is seeking a qualified candidate for the position of Project Director, Connecticut Consortium for BIPOC Technologists (CCBT).

The application deadline is January 21, 2024.

For more information and to apply, click here.

Patricia Somorcurcio, originally from Peru, has resided in Hartford for over a decade. She has a 4-year-old daughter diagnosed with stage one autism, who attends a special needs speech and behavior therapy program...

More...

https://www.ctpublic.org/news/2024-01-09/immigrant-families-suffer-in-cts-child-care-crisis-a-report-says-universal-funding-could-fix-that

The report says the number of preschool slots alone has dropped 4% from 2022, to the lowest number since at least 2005.

Read more...

https://ctmirror.org/2024/01/09/ct-voices-children-child-care-preschool

Part 1 of 5: Overcoming Unrealistic Expectations

Photo Credit: ph-m-chung

One of the most disruptive patterns I discovered in early recovery was that I had all kinds of unrealistic expectations - of myself, others and the world. Since this was such an enormous part of my recovery, I’m doing a five-part series on overcoming unrealistic expectations.

I’d heard well before recovery, “expectations are premeditated resentments,” but I had no idea how to NOT have expectations! I just couldn’t wrap my mind around that - how do you live in the world and not have expectations?! Here’s an example from my own recovery journey to illustrate.

At the time I started recovery, I’d worked for my boss for many years. I loved her dearly, and she drove me crazy! I now know that the vast majority of my issues with her were because of my unrealistic expectations.

I couldn't count on her because she frequently didn't do what she said she was going to do. She didn't follow through, and she incorrectly estimated time for just about everything. There was not much she said she was going to do that I could count on.

The thing is, that’s what she was like since the day I met her.

Yet I kept having these expectations that she should be different than that.

Soon into my recovery journey, I came across a reading that helped me with this. The reading mentioned that learning better ways of dealing with other people is a lifelong process and that recovery teaches us things that help, like acceptance.

The writer mentioned having had all sorts of expectations about others’ abilities and behavior, like that they should be competent, capable, and productive, behave rationally and be true to their word. Then the writer said, “These are my expectations for myself, and I've had to let them go for others.” The author went on to say they still get disappointed when someone doesn't follow through, but they don't let it ruin their serenity. 

Whoa! What?! I can have different expectations of others than I do for myself?? And I don’t have to let others ruin my serenity?! This was mind blowing to me! 

What I’ve come to realize is that it may be reasonable in a professional setting to expect people to follow through on what they say they’re going to do. However, if someone has shown you repeatedly that they aren’t going to follow through, then it’s an unrealistic expectation for that person. That is, it may be reasonable and also unrealistic.

This was exceedingly difficult for me to accept, but I eventually did because of the enormous amount of work I did on learning to accept things I previously saw as unacceptable. That had an enormous influence in changing my life.

When I applied the concept of acceptance to the situation with my boss, I was able to let go of the outcome of each situation involving her. That is, I really got, “This is what she’s like – she doesn’t follow through.” No amount of wishing, hoping or manipulating on my part is going to turn her into someone who follows through. 

I was blaming HER for my unrealistic expectations, when she was being exactly the same person the entire time.

The way I tackled letting go unrealistic expectations was kind of like “Monday morning quarterbacking.” I’d look at a situation that upset me after the fact and ask myself, “What went on here?” and I'd realize, “Oh, that was me having unrealistic expectations.” That happened again and again and again.  

That continual reflection sensitized me to the types of situations where I was likely to have unrealistic expectations. That eventually enabled me to see these types of situations ahead of time as opportunities to not have unrealistic expectations - to not be tied to the outcome.

This doesn't mean I don't ever have expectations of people. What it does mean is that when I get upset that things don't turn out the way I want them to, I can say, “Oh I had an expectation there.” As soon as I realize that my difficulty is a result of MY expectation and NOT a result of the other person, it removes any resentment. It also releases any tension I had.

I now understand that if I want peace and serenity (which I do) I can let go of that expectation. I change the way I think about how I think the situation should have turned out. That practice has helped me recognize when I’m forming expectations.

I can’t describe how enormously this practice has impacted my recovery and my peace of mind. Serenity is inversely proportional to expectations and directly proportional to acceptance. So keep your mind ON acceptance and OFF expectations because what you focus on grows (recovery), and what you ignore diminishes (negativity).

For most blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Photo Credit: Dayne Topkin

When I first heard the saying, “It's none of your business what other people think of you”, I had no idea what that meant. I seriously couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Every time I thought about that saying, it just baffled me.

I now know it baffled me because of my codependence, which meant I was super focused on what others thought of me. That was outside my awareness though, which explains why this statement was so baffling. 

Early in my recovery, I heard a speaker say, “It's none of your business what other people think of you. What is your business is what you think of you.” WOW!! That was mind-boggling. I hadn’t really considered what I thought of myself. 

This was one of many things in recovery that helped me understand that I was so focused on others’ opinions of me and getting their approval. I had no idea that was true about me. In fact, when I first heard the term “people-pleaser” I didn’t think it referred to me. For an introspective person who’s been on a personal growth journey since age 24, that’s pretty astonishing, but oh so true!

Being so focused on getting others’ approval meant that if there was the slightest hint I didn’t have someone’s approval, I made it mean that there was something bad or wrong with me. Then I’d make it my mission to try to get them to approve of me.

Sound familiar? If that’s you, perhaps you bend over backwards for others, or try to pretend you like things that you don't. Or instead, you may try to make that person wrong or bad in your mind. We do all these things because we care more about what they think about us than what we think about us. 

Here are a couple of examples of how to shift your thinking on this from Brooke Castillo of the Life Coach School. The first such shift we’ll call “The Peach.” Let’s say you're a peach, and someone bites into you, and they don't like you because they don't like peaches. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you as the peach, or that there's anything wrong with them. They just don't like peaches. No value judgment. 

It’s easy to understand and buy into this concept when we're talking about peaches, but when someone doesn't like us as a person, we take that sooo personally. Think of yourself like this: I’m a peach – and some people just don’t like peaches. That’s it. It doesn’t need to mean anything more than that.

Brooke’s second mindset shift we’ll call “The Constant.” Let's say you walk into a room with ten people. If what you did and said were the only factors influencing what they think of you, then all ten of those people would think the exact same thing of you. But that’s not how it works. Every person is going to have a different opinion of you. 

You’re the same you. You’re the constant. But their opinions are based on their life experience, especially their perception, which is always individualized and subjective. Perhaps you remind them of a former colleague they loved, so they feel good toward you. Or perhaps you remind them of a former teacher who humiliated them so they take an extreme dislike of you. The possibilities are endless. The point is that very little of how people respond to you has to do with you. It has much more to do with them. Otherwise, everyone would have the same opinion of you. 

What YOU think of yourself is so much more important and valuable than what others think. It’s fine to seek others’ approval, but only when you have your own approval first.  You have to live in your skin, in your life. They don’t.

For most blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Photo Credit: Tim Mossholder

I believe I’ve always pretty much liked myself. But I realized in recovery that I didn’t really love myself, and I didn’t feel worthy. When I inventoried my life, I could see, “Those were not the behaviors of a woman who feels worthy and loves herself.” Learning to love myself has been one of the most incredible gifts of recovery.

It’s also a gift that many of my clients receive in the process of building healthy boundaries. That’s because building boundaries is a process of getting to know yourself, learning to show up for yourself, and doing more of what you like and less of what you don’t like. Who wouldn’t love someone who does all those things for them?! So you won’t be surprised to see that “set boundaries” is the next item on this list!
In case you missed parts 2 and 3, here’s what was on them:

1. Get help for your addiction
2. Stop judging yourself so harshly
3. Reparent yourself
4. Mirror work
5. Take care of your physical body
6. Connect with something greater than yourself
7. Step away from chaos
8. Take care of your physical environment
9. Learn to ask for help
10. Be present
11. Use gentle language with yourself

Below are my last five suggestions for how to love yourself. Of course, there are many other ways you can grow to love yourself. I’d love to hear how you love yourself. Drop me an email here to let me know how.

12. Set boundaries. Shocking for a boundaries coach, I know! My experience of learning to set healthy boundaries was that I got to know myself through the experimental process (and it’s always an experimental process). I learned, “I really don’t like that” and “I guess I do like this.” I’d been such a chameleon before recovery that there was much of me that was up for negotiation. Building boundaries helped me discover who I really am, and what I really want, like, need, and prefer.

As I got to know what was okay and not okay with me, I began to follow through on those preferences more and more. When I set a boundary, I felt better about myself because I showed up for myself in ways I hadn’t before. Then, because I felt better about myself, it was easier to set the next boundary. Getting to know yourself better and standing up for yourself is an incredible way to love yourself!

13. Give yourself peace. What I’ve discovered as I’ve gotten to know myself better is that what I want more than anything else is peace. I lived with such drama and chaos much of my life, especially internally, that I’m done with all that shit! I want peace.

I often ask myself, “What do I need to do to have peace?” For me, twice daily meditation is imperative. Consistent conscious contact with my Higher Power is also essential. I also stay away from people who are not peaceful. I slow down and take breaks instead of operating with a sense of urgency all the time. I stay away from controversy, and that includes staying away from the news, current events, and politics. The first few years I stopped paying attention to those things, I was afraid people would think I was ignorant and uninformed. Then I realized I AM ignorant and uninformed! AND I have peace. I’ll take peace any day. It feels really loving.

14. Stop the negative self-talk. In my late 20s, I discovered that I had a really super negative self-talk. I’d say horrendous things to myself in my head. I wasn’t even aware of it until it was pointed out to me in a book where other people’s negative thoughts were revealed. I read their words and said “Holy shit! I say that stuff to myself too!” It’s kind of shocking to know that that stuff had been running like a ticker tape through my mind all the time, yet I wasn’t aware of it.

Clean up your negative self-talk! This is crucial. You cannot love yourself or have a well-lived life when the background noise of your life is full of shitty things about you. Because you come to believe those things. A belief is essentially a thought you’ve thought for so long that you’ve come to believe that it’s the truth. You’ve gotta turn that messaging off! The best way to do that is to replace it with something else. I’ve written two articles about how to clean up your thought life. They can be found here and here. 

15. Affirmations. This is sort of a follow-up on #14. I know some people think saying affirmations are hoaky bullshit. And that may be true for some people, but it’s been a game-changer for me. Think about someone you love. If you continually say kind and loving things to them, don’t you think it would have an impact on your relationship with them? 

The same is true for yourself. It’s hard to have a loving relationship with anyone without words of affirmation. In fact, “words of affirmation” is one of the Five Love Languages in the book by Gary Chapman. If you’re not familiar with the concept, I encourage you to take Chapman’s test here to find out your love language. Then love yourself in the way you best receive love. And teach others to love you similarly.

Be kind to yourself, especially in your mind. Say affirmative things to yourself. You deserve it.

16. Live in alignment with your values. I had no idea I wasn’t living in alignment with my values until I got into recovery. Part of step 12 is that we “practice these principles in all our affairs.” What that means is that we live in alignment with the spiritual principles of our 12-step fellowship. The reason we do this is because we’re so much less likely to relapse when we’re doing the right things. It’s loving to live in alignment with your values.

I was violating my values all over the place before recovery, especially about honesty. Before recovery, I truly believed I was an honest person. Nope! I lied about food, drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, and my relationships. Probably the largest portion of my dishonesty had to do with my people-pleasing behaviors - I’d agree to things that I didn't want to do, I acted like things were okay with me that weren’t, and said no to things I really wanted to do so I wouldn’t be judged or because it would be inconvenient for others. 

I didn't know it at the time, but I was doing it because I wanted people to approve of me. I could go on and on about the ways I violated my values, yet I thought I was a very values-oriented person. 

One of the reasons living in alignment with your values contributes to self-love is that you become proud of yourself. You’ll know you’re an honest woman of integrity. It’s also way less draining to live in alignment with your values, and who doesn’t want more energy?! Living aligned is so much easier, and the things you value are likely to light you up. Doing things that light you up is loving.  

Of course, there are plenty of other ways you can learn to fall in love with yourself (and I’d love to hear how you’re doing it, email me here. These are just some of the ways I’ve learned how to do it. What one will you try first?

Featuring Work by Judy Atlas, Meg Bloom, Phyllis Crowley, and Rita Hannafin

French painter Henri Matisse once explained, “When I apply green, that does not mean grass, when I apply blue, that does not mean sky.” Abstract Art does not attempt to be literal in that way; it uses other means to express the feelings and visions of the artists, guiding the viewers to new perspectives. Come see for yourself during BLUE DOES NOT MEAN SKY, a City Gallery Group Show featuring abstract work by artists Judy Atlas, Meg Bloom, Phyllis Crowley, and Rita Hannafin on view from January 5 through January 28, with an Artist Reception on Saturday, January 13, 2:00 - 4:00 p.m.(Snow date Sunday January 14 2:00 - 4:00). In addition, artists will be in the Gallery on January 7 (Crowley), January 14 (Atlas), January 21 (Bloom), and January 28 (Hannafin).

Abstract painter Judy Atlas expresses her exploration of the patterns, shapes, lines and movements found in nature and everyday life. Her paintings in this exhibit return to her “flux” series, communicating the sense or state of always flowing, yet never ending.

Meg Bloom finds beauty in the imperfect and impermanent. Through her sculptures and mixed media works, her art marks moments of transience as she responds to the world around her. Her art almost always references nature and reflects the increased urgency she feels to respond to the chaos and destructiveness in the environment, whether natural or man-made.

Phyllis Crowley combines photographs to make new relationships that bring her closer to the original emotional experience. The images speak to each other, create different ideas and associations, often emphasizing elements that are subdued in each original. The process is similar to building a story sentence by sentence; or even more, in writing a poem with the words carefully chosen, and the placement critical.

Rooted in a traditional quilt-making background, art quilter Rita Hannafin explores abstraction to express a new perspective of personal images that inspire her. Her series in this group show begins with an orderly vista and morphs into a chaotic construct. The underlying emotion is the energy of New York City which serves to unify the work.

Offering a unique opportunity to explore abstract art in a variety of media, BLUE DOES NOT MEAN SKY is free and open to the public. It will be on view from January 5 through January 28, with an Artist Reception on Saturday, January 13, 2:00 - 4:00 p.m. (Snow date Sunday January 14 2:00 - 4:00). City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12pm - 4 pm, or by appointment. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

Patrick Greenfield

Wed 29 Nov 2023 06.00 EST

The natural world underpins human civilisation on every corner of the planet. From oceans to rainforests, grasslands to mangrove swamps, ecosystems feed billions of humans, produce clean water and provide materials for shelter. As the planet heats, scientists and conservationists are urging the world to harness and restore nature to maintain a habitable planet.

https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2023/nov/29/from-tree-planting-to-sponge-cities-why-nature-based-solutions-are-crucial-to-fighting-the-climate-crisis

Photo Credit: Fellipe Ditadi

Learning to love yourself is one of the most incredible gifts you can give yourself. In essence, treat yourself as if you are beloved, and you will be.

This is the second of my three-part series on how to love yourself. In case you missed the first one, here’s what the first five suggestions were:
 

1. Get help for your addiction
2. Stop judging yourself so harshly
3. Reparent yourself
4. Mirror work
5. Take care of your physical body

Below, I’ll share suggestions 6-11. In the third essay next week, I’ll share the last five suggestions.
 

6. Connect with something greater than yourself. Whether you’re an atheist, agnostic, spiritual, or religious person, knowing that you’re part of something greater than yourself can be soooo healing. I identify as a very spiritual person and call my Higher Power “God.” But it’s my own definition of God that works for me. It’s something like – the all of everything, plus a little bit more.

Making conscious contact with the universe consistently helps you get perspective on life. You’re not just a worker doing a job Mon-Fri 9:00-5:00 or a role in your family or community. You’re a miracle! And you’re part of something greater, and your part matters. If you believe as I do, that you can actually tap into that power, then do it! I was agnostic until I was about 37, and connecting to a Higher Power and reaching out to that Power for assistance is WAY BETTER than going it alone! It’s an enormous relief to remember I’m not alone (even if I sometimes feel like I am) and not in charge (even if I sometimes feel like I am).
 

7. Step away from chaos. You do not have to put up with chaotic people, situations, or environments. I honestly didn’t even see walking away from chaos as an option before recovery. It just WAS. It was just part of my life and something I dealt with. To be sure life wasn’t like that 100% of the time, but enough that it was normalized to me. This was especially true in all the places I worked before recovery. If you feel like shit every time you see a certain person, go to a certain place, or engage in a specific activity, find a way to get out of there! It’s okay to walk away from chaos.
 

8. Take care of your physical environment. For me, it starts by making my bed every day. I used to think, “What’s the point? I’m going to mess it up anyway.” However, it sets the tone for my day. When I walk back into my bedroom, it’s a stable, peaceful environment. It’s not chaotic.

I’ve never been the best housekeeper, but I’ve gotten better and better over the years. In fact, I’ve recently started paying to have my home cleaned monthly. The worst part for me was the clutter, which I dealt with years ago. I may still have pockets of clutter in areas of my home from time to time, but the place is no longer cluttered. It frees up brain space when you take care of your physical environment. And as they say, “As within, so without.” That is, what’s going on the outside is often a reflection of what’s going on inside. It’s my experience that I can influence what’s going on inside by changing my environment from chaotic to peaceful. Feng Shui is a great place to start. It’s the Chinese art of placement. You learn to place things in your home in a way that allows for the greatest flow of positive energy.
 

9. Learn to ask for help. Another way to say this is to allow people to love you. The universe is made up of ebbs and flows, in-breaths and out-breaths. We’re meant to give and receive. The saying, “It’s better to give than to receive" dismisses the patterns of nature. They’re both required, and neither is better. If you’ve been giving, giving, giving your whole life, it’s time to receive.

When I got into recovery it was almost impossible for me to ask for help. I sometimes felt like I was gonna die at the idea of asking for help. Gradually, with the help of my fellows in recovery, I learned to ask for and welcome help. It was a very humbling process, to be honest. If you’d like to learn more about my journey to ask for help you can read about that here.

One of the tricks to learning to ask for help is discerning who are the right people to ask for help. It can be very vulnerable to ask for help, so you want to make sure to ask those you can trust. This was an educational process for me, given my history of trusting untrustworthy people.
 

10. Be present. You cannot be purposeful about your life if you are not in the present moment. Learning to love yourself doesn’t happen by accident, it takes intention. If you’re constantly dissociating, worrying about the future, or ruminating about the past you’re not going to be able to intentionally cultivate self-love.

Getting into the present moment is imperative for self-love. The main way I get into the present moment is to connect with my body through my senses and breath. Pay attention to each sense in succession – what is the farthest thing you can see, the faintest sound you can hear? What can you smell or taste? Perhaps it’s nothing, but just connecting with those senses makes you present with yourself.

You can simply pay attention to your in and out breaths, you can count your in-breaths and double the length of your out-breaths. There are several ways to use breath to get present. Another way to get present is by consciously feeling your feet on the floor or your butt in the chair.
 

11. Use gentle language with yourself. Even though I still swear a lot, I don’t swear at myself any longer. I now say things like, “Oh goodness!” when something goes wrong. I didn’t choose to make this shift, it spontaneously happened. But I have chosen to make other shifts. I talk sweetly to myself now. And I especially talk sweetly to my inner child and inner teenager. 

Next week, I’ll share part 3 with more five ways to fall in love with yourself. Be gentle with yourself, and treat yourself in loving ways as you embark on this journey. Have fun with it! LOVE the journey!

For most blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Photo Credit: Fellipe Ditadi

On a recent call with a private client, she said, “I am falling in love with myself!”

I cannot tell you how unbelievably awesome that makes me feel! My heart is swollen with pride and love that I get to shepherd her on her journey to self-love. Mind you, that was only after four weeks of working with me!

What I want for all of my clients, and everybody in the world really, is that they grow to love themselves. Here are some tips for how to fall in love with yourself that have worked for me. They’re not in any particular order.

It will help if you think of it as building a relationship with yourself. If you were falling in love with another person, you’d do things to let them know you care. You’d treat them well, and let them know you’re thinking of them. You can do that for yourself too!

1. Get help for your addiction. If you’re addicted to a substance, whether it’s food, drugs, alcohol, or perhaps you have a process addiction like sex or gambling, get help. You will not have a high-quality life that you love when you’re using. You don’t have to go it alone. There are over 200 12-step programs, and there are tons of resources out there no matter your income level. Here’s a page on my website with some recommendations I have.

2. Stop judging yourself so harshly. Most people believe in being kind and loving to others and giving them the benefit of the doubt. Yet when it comes to ourselves, we hold ourselves to a much higher standard. Here’s the thing, you are FLAWESOME! Just because you have flaws, doesn’t mean you’re not also awesome! Give yourself the same love and kindness you give others. Cut yourself some slack for a change. That self-judgment isn’t shaping you into a better person. You'd just end up battered and bruised.

3. Reparent yourself. Even if you think it sounds hoaky, give it a try. The deep and profound healing I’ve experienced through my reparenting journey, especially in this past year, has been astounding. I can’t tell you how much fear and emotional pain I’ve released. Not to mention forging a real relationship with my inner family.

Reparenting can be as simple as being good and kind to yourself like a loving parent would be. It can also be very complex where you create a whole cast of inner characters and recast your past. To get started, I highly recommend getting your hands on a photo of you as a child so you can look at it regularly and say loving things to the picture. You might also try to connect using non-dominant handwriting. Write to your inner child with your dominant hand, then respond using your non-dominant hand. I don’t know how it works, but it does! Somehow doing that bypasses the adult part of your brain. Start with “getting to know you” comments and questions and see where it goes.

4. Mirror work. This was super awkward, but also super powerful! Look at your eyes in the mirror and say loving things to yourself. When I started this, I was very resistant. But I was committed to changing my ways and that meant I had to try new things. I decided the thing I needed to say to myself was, “I love you just the way you are Barb.”

I didn’t mean it at first and I cried while doing it. And I kept doing it. That meant I was telling myself, “I love you even when crying ‘for no reason,’ even when resisting doing this work, even when feeling weird and awkward.”

Eventually, it got less weird and awkward. Eventually, I stopped crying. Eventually, I meant it. And now, I very regularly (at least once daily) catch my eye in the bathroom mirror and say, “I love you Barb, just the way you are.” Now, I’m typically grinning an impish grin when I do it.

5. Take care of your physical body. You are an animal. You’re not a machine. And animals need care. They need consistent sleep, food, water, activity, and relaxation. We were meant to move. So move your body, and stop ingesting things that were not meant for consumption by animals. Or at least start adding things that are good for you, whether that’s healthy foods, consistent movement, or sleep. Just treat your body as if it is beloved, even if you don’t feel that way just yet.

Over the next two weeks, I’ll share parts 2 and 3 with some additional ways to fall in love with yourself. Remember that this is a journey. Most people grow in love with others, they don’t really “fall” into love immediately. So be patient with this new lover of yours.

For most blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Moved With Compassion Ministry is a Charitable nonprofit 501c3 organization in New Haven. Our mission is to provide basic needs such as food, clothing along with educational and spiritual assistance so that those in the community can live with dignity and respect. We currently distribute clothing out of a basement in New Haven.  Clothing are issued to individual as requested.  We attend community events and set up tables with clothes, books and toys that we give out. We have a passion to serve the homeless and less fortune. We give out coats, hats,scarfs, socks, shoes, blankets and regular clothing to the homeless or anyone in need . We make the items available all year.  We have partnered with the newhallville community at their community event.  We currently have a need for 200 square feet of space to display and store the items that we give out. The organization is seeking a rent free space, we can supply a donation receipt for the cost of the space.  We desperately need the space immediately so we can effectively serve the homeless and less fortunate in our  community .  Thank you in advance