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Featuring the work of Roberta Friedman, Joyce Greenfield, Sheila Kaczmarek, Kathy Kane

By definition, Praxis means “the process by which a theory, lesson or skill is enacted, embodied, realized, applied, or put into practice.” It is the act of engaging, applying, exercising, realizing, or practicing ideas. In City Gallery’s July show, artists Roberta Friedman, Joyce Greenfield, Sheila Kaczmarek, and Kathy Kane share the theories, lessons, and skills they each use in their work, which encompass a wide range of styles, materials, and applications. PRAXIS will be on view at City Gallery from July 5 – July 28, with a Closing Reception on Sunday, July 28, 2-4pm.

Of her work in this show, Bobbi Friedman explains: “There are always new discoveries and ways to play with light and textures. The spontaneity of the printing process on a hot surface, the vibrancy of encaustic wax paints, and the richness of oil pigments and cold wax produce a cacophony of color and expression.”

Painter Joyce Greenfield relies on the practice of observation for her work. “I spend time observing elements in live intense sessions of looking at my subjects in person, and in sketches, videos and photographs.”

For painter Kathy Kane, inspiration often comes from bright colors and the use of unconventional tools, while painter and clay sculptor Sheila Kaczmarek’s finds hers in an ever-present fascination with nature and its fantastic and other worldly forms. “I try to present a doorway through which the viewer is invited to enter and come away with some questions and new way of looking at life.”

PRAXIS is an opportunity to see the work of these four distinct artists and to learn more about their approaches to and practice of art. The exhibit is free and open to the public. It runs July 5 – July 28, with a Closing Reception on Sunday, July 28, 2-4pm. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m., or by appointment. City Gallery follows New Haven City’s mask mandate policy. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

Credit: Getty Images

In my boundaries coaching business, I coach some pretty high-powered women. There's an enormous toll on them personally, professionally, physically, psychologically, emotionally and financially. There are many factors that lead to this, but it’s mainly because they keep saying yes when they really want to say no, and they neglect themselves because they're so focused on other people. 

I decided to delve into the financial toll on these women, but I wasn't sure how to come up with that information. So I went to ChatGPT.

I asked it first to calculate the amount of money that’s lost by the average professional woman per year because she keeps saying yes to things she really doesn't want to do and neglecting herself because she's focused on other people. It added up to

$20,500 lost per year

Wow! I’ll share all the assumptions and calculations below for those of you who are data nerds and want to delve into it. Even if you’re not a data nerd, if you’re a professional woman or you work in organizations of professional women, this is a wake-up call.

We’ve got to stop saying yes and neglecting ourselves. It not only costs us our physical, emotional, and psychological health and relationships, but it costs us our wallets and our wealth as well. 

Speaking of wealth, when I went back to ChatGPT to ask the cost to a professional woman over a 30-year career (compounded over time), the answer was

$1,361,996.37

Some of the reasons women, say yes when they really want to say no is that they don’t want to be rude, offend people, or be thought of as bad people or unhelpful. Personally, I thought of myself as “nice.” I thought I did all those things for others because I was a nice person. It turns out I was really invested in what others thought of me. It’s not that I didn’t want to be helpful, mind you, but the reason I went overboard and said yes when I didn’t want to, and got to the point where I regularly neglected myself was because of what others thought. I cared about those more than my own well-being. Sound familiar? If so, you’re a perfect candidate for my private coaching program!

I also didn’t want people to think I was selfish. It’s astonishing how that word can stop just about any woman, no matter how powerful or successful she is. God forbid a woman be perceived as selfish! Women have been taught to caretake – to be nice, helpful, and selfless. Not that there is anything wrong with caretaking, we need to take care of others, it's what makes the world go around. But we don’t need to do it to our own detriment. And that’s what we do.

If you’re a professional woman yourself, or you work in an organization of professional women, I want you to know it’s possible to change that without giving up being helpful to others. I’m living proof. I worked full-time at Yale University for 17 years and had volunteered for 13 different non-profits by the time I learned how to build healthy boundaries. In terms of hours per week, I give more service to my community now than I did when I was a volunteer-a-holic. Learning to build healthy boundaries does not mean you’ll no longer be helpful. It means you’ll learn to make strategic decisions by choice (not by compulsion) for when, where, and how you’ll help. It also means you’ll learn to include yourself in the “help” you provide by filling your own cup first so you can pour from the overflow, rather than trying to pour from an empty cup.

For those of you who want to see how the numbers above were calculated, they’re listed below along with the questions I asked ChatGPT.

THE NUMBERS

“Calculating the monetary loss for the average professional woman due to constantly saying "yes" to things she doesn't want to do and neglecting herself involves several assumptions and variables. Here are some key considerations:

1. Time Spent on Unwanted Tasks:

   • Estimate the average number of hours per week spent on tasks she doesn't want to do.

   • Calculate the equivalent salary for that time.

2. Opportunity Cost:

   • Assess the potential opportunities missed (e.g., career advancement, skill development, rest, personal projects) because of the time spent on unwanted tasks and neglecting self-care.

3. Health and Well-being Costs:

   • Consider potential health costs due to neglecting self-care, leading to increased medical expenses or reduced productivity.”

It then broke down these factors into more details. 

For Time Spent on Unwanted Tasks, it made several assumptions, which you may or may not agree with but it’s a place to start.

• Hours per week spent on unwanted tasks: 5 hours

• Weeks worked per year: 50 (assuming 2 weeks of vacation)

• Hourly wage: $40/hour 

I wasn’t sure where the $40/hour figure came from so I asked some follow-up questions. The first was. “What is the average salary of professional women in the United States?” It gave me some historical data and some median earnings, but not a mean average. What it did was give me some categories to ask about: women in management, professional, and related occupations.

I then asked it to give me the average of the women in the category of management, professional, and other related occupations, and the response was $103,168. That calculates to about $50/hour so I used that figure going forward.

The next factor was Opportunity Costs. This includes things like potential salary increases or bonuses missed due to a lack of focus on career advancement because of the continual focus on others and people-pleasing. AI estimated $5000, which seems pretty low to me, but since I have no other basis by which to come up with a figure, I’m going with that.

The last factor was Health and Well-being costs. The assumptions made by AI here were that there would be increased medical expenses of about $1000 due to stress and self-neglect. That too seems low to me, but again, I have no basis on which to come up with another figure. AI also assumed about $2000 because of decreased productivity due to burnout. Again, that seems low but we’re going with it.

Putting that all together here’s what that looks like:

Assuming an average salary of $103,000 equates to about $50/hour.

• Time spent on unwanted tasks = 5 hours/week x $50/hour = $250/week = $12,500/year

• Opportunity cost = $5000/year

• Health and well-being costs  = $3000/year

That totals $20,500 per year. Granted there have been lots of assumptions made here, but based on the women I work with, the assumptions are low. The high amount of stress caused to women who keep saying yes to things they don’t want to do causes them all kinds of physical, emotional, psychological, and relationship issues.

THE COST OF SELF-NEGLECT

The cost of self-neglect is incalculable, especially when I consider my own experience of neglecting (and even abusing) myself for decades. There’s no dollar amount you can put on loss of joy, fulfillment, health, and easy relationships. In addition, these figures don’t include the massive amounts of money these women often spend rescuing, fixing, and saving others as well as buying others’ affection. One of my clients told me that last year alone, she spent $85,000 enabling her adult son!

If you’re done donating $20,000 a year to the cause of people-pleasing, sign up for a free 30-minute Better Boundaries call with me.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

A new online resource called the New Haven People and the Environment Research Library (New Haven PERL) is now publicly available! We appreciate the invaluable support of those of you who have already contributed to the success of this project. 

Photo Credit: Ashlyn Ciara

We have certain instincts that we’re born with. They’re natural and are supposed to be there. These are things like security, self-esteem, and personal relationships. But what happens for many of us is that these instincts get distorted and out of proportion.

The way we talk about that in 12-step recovery is we say that that happens because we’ve acted out of our “defects of character.” One of my programs uses the term “defenses of character” which is a little softer than “defects of character.” Plus it conveys the notion that these character traits are a defensive reaction to something that happened to us. “Defects of character” makes it sound like it’s an inborn trait that can’t be changed, which is untrue.

The problem with all this is that when we're acting out of our defenses of character, we tend to get the opposite of what we want. That’s because when we act out of our defenses of character, we typically focus on what we don't want we end up creating that very thing.

The way this was explained to me the first time was this: let's say you want to have a good reputation. If you’re acting out of your defenses of character though, you instead focus on what don’t want: a bad reputation. So in order to enhance your reputation because you’re so fixated on not having a bad reputation, you lie, make stuff up, and/or embellish the truth. Maybe you fudge your sales report or say you’ve been places and done things you really haven’t. The goal is to make yourself look better, but by being dishonest and embellishing you actually ruin your reputation, the very thing you were trying to enhance!

Let’s take a look at this. If you change your focus from avoiding a bad reputation to building a good reputation, you’ll eventually achieve your goal of having a good reputation. Building a good reputation means things like being honest, kind, a woman of your word, following through, and not talking about people behind their backs. In other words, being a woman of integrity.

Another example that might resonate with you is the fear of abandonment. Most of us don't want to be abandoned by other people so we focus on that, rather than on what we do want: connection. If our primary concern is to not be abandoned by other people, we do things like cling and grasp at others. We cater to what they want, need, and like and we push aside our own preferences. As a result of that, we abandoned ourselves.

The result is that you’ve built abandonment into the relationship. You’re not actually in a relationship with the person when you’ve abandoned yourself to their preferences. Some fake version of you is in that relationship. They're not in a relationship with the actual you because they don't know who you really are. Even if they don't leave you, you’re emotionally abandoned by them because you've abandoned the relationship by not being there yourself!

The very thing we're trying to achieve – a good reputation, and true connection with others - is the very thing that we create when we act out of our defenses of character.
Here's the key to stopping that pattern, instead of going after what you don't want, go after what you actually do want. Keep the focus on YOU and what you want. Proactive people are much more focused on what they want and much less focused on what they don’t want. Where your attention goes, your energy follows.

For more posts like this go to: FridayFragments.news

Photo Credit: Andrej Lisakov

Yesterday a client told me her soon-to-be ex-wife called her “juvenile.” I wrote back “projection.” This was in response to my client asking to have their child’s car seat set up in her ex’s car according to the safety standards for his height and weight. Her ex kept putting her off and making shitty comments. She then offered to do it herself and was put off again. Last night she said, “I’ll drive him to daycare tomorrow” to which her ex said, “juvenile.”

The ex is prioritizing her disdain for my client above the safety of their child. That is juvenile behavior. And yet she’s calling my client “juvenile.” That’s a classic care of projection.

If you're not familiar with the concept of psychological projection, it goes something like this: when we have something emotionally or psychologically going on inside of us that’s too difficult or painful to deal with, rather than dealing with it internally we “project” it outward onto other people. Let’s use the quality of immaturity as an example, like my client’s ex.
When we can’t handle our own immaturity, we’re likely to get triggered when we experience immaturity in others. If they do anything that might remotely be considered immaturity, it’s like a neon sign and alarm bells go off. “IMMATURY ALERT!!!”

The expression we use to describe this concept of projection in recovery is, “You spot it, you got it. “ If there's something about other people that irritates the shit out of you and you see it all the time in others and the world, it's probably a quality you have. And one you don’t particularly like and have a hard time owning psychologically.

For me that quality is arrogance. I had no idea I was arrogant until I got into recovery. I realized that’s why arrogance is probably my most hated human quality – because I’m arrogant A.F. 
I had no idea I was arrogant until doing the 12 steps. I have a lot of grandiose thoughts and thoughts of superiority like, “If only they did things MY way.” I still have them sometimes, just not anywhere near as frequently. And now know they’re bullshit. That’s another thing I learned in recovery – just because I think something doesn’t mean it’s true! My mind was blown by that one!!

I still have arrogant thoughts, even though I don’t want to have them. Now I know not to believe them, though sometimes it takes me a while to recognize them. They’re just my thoughts, they’re not necessarily true. 
I have another story from recovery about projection that I experienced firsthand. Someone I cared deeply for projected their psychological issues onto me and blamed me for them. I'd heard of projection before that (and of course engaged in projection myself, I think we all do to some degree). I’d also seen it in action before, but not like this! Before I get into more detail I want to say that I’m not a psychologist. What I’m describing is from a layperson’s perspective, so please give me grace if I don’t get this exactly right.

The person who projected their stuff onto me, Here’s the story about someone in recovery who projected their shit onto me. I’ll call her Athena. She was probably my closest recovery friend at that time. After almost three years of recovery together, something happened to her. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but I think she got a bit too deep without professional help. And again, I’m not a psychologist, I’m just stating what I concluded after the fact

One night, Athena shared at a meeting that she just realized she’d been gaslighting herself for decades. She talked about how she made jokes about herself, then roped others into making those same jokes about her too. Then she’d get resentful of those people for making those jokes that she fed them about herself. All of this had come to her consciousness that week. She gave the following examples. 
She said, “I tell people all the time that I'm bad at math and I joke about it, meanwhile I’m successful in a career that’s math-based.” She proceeded to give two other very similar examples. Then she mentioned how she ropes others into making fun of her, then she resents them.

What happened next is that she started acting out toward others in recovery. This all came to light after the fact and our recovery community was able to put this together afterward. I’d also noticed that she’d started doing and saying things to me that were a little off. I didn't say anything to her about it because I was waiting to talk directly to her in person but she kept putting me off. 

I was definitely concerned about her behavior toward me and the way she’d acted in meetings and at coffee afterward. But I wanted to speak to her directly in person rather than on the phone or via text because this was really important. I wish now that I hadn’t waited to do that.

One day she sent me a text message that was pretty harsh. I texted her back to say, “I'm getting concerned by your messages so I need a break from you for a bit. Please don't contact me again for a while until I let you know that it's OK to do so.” She immediately texted me back and wrote to say, “Toughen up.”
I thought, “HELL NO!” and I blocked her on my phone. I immediately called a friend in recovery to come over and help me process the situation. When my friend got to my place and saw the text from her, she agreed that blocking her was the right thing to do.

As you can imagine, I was really disturbed by this whole situation. There was zero compassion in her response AND she didn’t honor my request to stop contact. This was someone who had been a close friend for several years.
Later that night I was writing an email to someone and a message from Athena came in and the subject line was, “You're hilarious” and I opened it. Inside the message she wrote, “FUCK YOU.” I blocked her from email too. 
I want to note here that since I grew up in a dysfunctional family, I have a high tolerance for dysfunction. It’s taken me years to understand that just because I have a high tolerance for dysfunction I don’t have to live up to that. Back then, I didn’t understand that opening her email after I’d blocked her on my phone was not a wise thing to do. I’ll call it “dysfunctional” because it didn’t serve my best interest.

A few days later I did another dysfunctional thing, which was to look in my spam folder to see if she had emailed me. Of course she had, three times. I didn’t open them, but I didn’t need to because of the subject lines. One of them said, “You have assassinated my character.”

Then I asked myself, “Why the hell did I go looking for those messages? Why did I go into my spam LOOKING FOR TROUBLE?!” Then I realized this is my pattern having grown up with dysfunction, I go looking for trouble. That was the last time I’ve ever gone into my spam folder to see if someone I blocked had messaged me!

I reached out to another fellow in recovery and asked them to check me - did I assassinate her character? I think I’m too close to this situation to know. She said, “No Barb, she assassinated her OWN character when she shared in the meeting that she made jokes about herself about math, etc.” She was telling us openly about assassinating her own character. Then I realized that was some serious projection!
Athena couldn’t internally handle knowing that she’d assassinated her own character, so she projected the blame for that onto me. When she admitted publicly that she had been saying bad things about herself and roping other people into making fun of her, she was assassinating her own character in two ways:

By making jokes about herself
By pulling others in on the game with her

When the understanding of what she was doing to herself bubbled up to the surface of her awareness to the point where she admitted it publicly, she just couldn’t deal with that. She just couldn’t bear the weight of knowing what she’d done to herself and she projected it outward onto me! This is a perfect example of what can happen when people are digging things up in recovery and not getting the professional help they need. 

This was one of the most painful things that I have been through in recovery. I had to do a LOT of step work on it. That was one of the strongest boundaries I’ve ever had to set when I blocked her. It really solidified for me an understanding of what projection is and it helped me in my own recovery, especially with my boundaries. I understood she was a very sick person and I HAVE TO protect myself from her. There’s no wavering on this boundary if I want to take care of myself.

I share this story in the hope that you might understand that when someone projects their issues onto you, it’s not about you, it’s about them. Think of them as ill. You don’t have to put up with their shit, but you also don’t have to condemn them. 

For more blog posts like this go to: FridayFragments.news

NOTE: This article is 2 years old, the current situation is even more urgent than in 2022.

Even before the pandemic and nationwide racial justice demonstrations gripped the nation in 2020, “climate philanthropy” was rapidly expanding and evolving, with large foundations and mega-donors pledging billions of additional dollars to address the climate crisis. With an estimated $125 trillion of climate investment needed by 2050 to decarbonize the world economy, this growing support is welcome, but still represents a relative drop in the bucket.

The scope and nature of the challenge the world faces calls for a fundamental re-think of the philanthropic sector’s approach to this burgeoning crisis. Responding to accelerating climate change should not simply be a stand-alone grantmaking priority, but a programmatic consideration that influences a wide range of funding decisions, from youth development to affordable housing to the arts, to name but three. The Center for Effective Philanthropy’s (CEP) recent research into the philanthropic and nonprofit sector’s climate-related views and actions underscores the need for a fresh approach...

https://cep.org/philanthropy-time-to-abandon-the-ivory-tower-of-climate-policy/ ;

Photo Credit: Patrick Tomasso

When I went through the process to stop gossiping, I realized a lot of things about myself. The realization that I gossiped was pretty astonishing, but there was so much more! Among other things, I realized…

• I was a much more negative person than I ever realized. I’m a life-long optimist, yet I did an enormous amount of complaining.
• I had a victim mentality. I believed that the world was acting ON me, rather than that I was acting on the world. This is despite always feeling like a powerful woman who has agency.
• I focused more on problems than solutions, despite having a “can do” attitude my whole life.
• I did a lot of things to make matters worse, like continually talking about negative things and therefore reliving them over and over.

That last point is what I want to share about in this essay. It’s what I call, “dragging the story with you.” I made up this phrase for myself because it helped me to see that, when I tell a negative story over and over again, it’s like a weight that I’m dragging around. The longer and farther I drag it, the more difficulty it creates in my life. 

Meanwhile, the thing I’m telling the story about happened just once. I cause myself to relive it again and again in the retelling of it, but it happened only once. 

I learned to stop “dragging the story with me” when I stopped gossiping because gossiping is just a variation of doing that. I used to talk negatively about my boss behind her back for many years. When I stopped doing that, I was absolutely astonished at how dramatically my resentment against her went down. It was a miracle!

That showed me that, though she had some problem behaviors, I magnified those problems 10-fold by repeatedly talking about them. Once I saw that, I began to think of it as “I'm the problem.” I don’t mean that in a self-deprecating way, I mean that in an empowering way. Let me explain:

If I’m the problem, then I get to be the solution. If other people are the problem, I’m screwed because I can’t do anything about them.

It’s not that my boss never did anything wrong. She was terribly unreliable in many ways. But my talking about it over and over again magnified the impact of that. For one, I relived the difficulty repeatedly, as did everyone who would listen to me. I even got others to join in with me. For another, my focus on problems meant I wasn’t seeking solutions, which meant the problems persisted.

But once I realized *I* was the problem, I set about seeking solutions. One of the main solutions was to stop dragging the story with me. Stop talking about the problem. When I continually talk about the problem, I’m acting like a victim who has no choices. 

As they say - where your attention goes, your energy follows. So when I stopped focusing on problems, my attention stopped going there and started focusing on solutions. One of which was to stop dragging the story with me. It was impossible for me to miss the enormous impact of that when it came to gossiping about my boss. It then became pretty easy to see how I’d been dragging all kinds of stories with me, and that if I stopped my life would improve. And of course, it did!

Here's an example of something I used to do. Let’s say someone pulled out in front of me on the highway that morning and almost caused me to crash. In the past, I’d probably retell that story a few times that day, and maybe even the next. It was bad enough that I had that terrible experience once. But telling the story over and over again made me relive the terror. That is not necessary.

If you find yourself doing things like that, or maybe saying things like, “Can you believe what she did?” I encourage you to ask yourself what your motivation is in sharing those things. Are you reliving the story just to relive the story (and perhaps continue to feel like a victim)? Or are you trying to process the event, make sense of it, and get some kind of resolution?

If it’s the former, please know you have the choice to stop that. And you have the power to decrease the drama in your life. If it’s the latter, that’s healthy. Keep doing that. Make sure you have emotionally healthy people to do that kind of processing with. 

When you keep dragging stories with you like I did, you’re acting like solutions don’t exist. Which means you will never SEEK solutions.

If the same kind of situation were to happen with a boss now that I’m several years into recovery, I’d go directly to my boss and say, “This isn't really working for me. Let’s find a way  to compromise that works for both of us.” If we were unable to do that, I wouldn’t stick around for 17 years like I did with her. I somehow didn't see leaving as an option back then, I didn’t see myself as having a choice. I acted as if the ONLY option I had was to stay and bitch.

When I stop sharing stories of difficulty over and over, I get to live in the present moment. The only way to have a well-lived life is to live in the present moment. That’s the only point in time when you can take action and make choices.

If you want to reduce the drama, chaos, dysfunction, and negativity in your life – stop dragging stories with you.

For more blog posts like this go to: FridayFragments.news

Feeling burnt out? Take a Self-Love Sprint!

This jam-packed program offers personalized coaching sessions and a self-care toolkit to help you recharge, rediscover your spark, and create lasting self-love habits. Sign up today and let's invest in your well-being!

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Hamden, CT May 2024 – Interfaith Volunteer Care Givers of Greater New Haven (IVCG), a dedicated non-profit organization committed to serving seniors, many with visual impairments, is thrilled to announce the receipt of a generous $10,000 grant from the Albert Zunder Fund at The Community Foundation for Greater New Haven. This significant contribution will be instrumental in advancing our mission to continue providing and improving services that empower our senior community members with visual impairments.

The grant from The Community Foundation is directly supporting the expansion and enhancement of volunteer training, website navigation, accessible program and educational materials, and community awareness initiatives. This work is essential for fostering continued independence, enhancing quality of life, and improving opportunities for seniors to engage in the community.

The award resulted from The Community Foundation’s proactive effort to provide grants from donor funds at The Foundation that identify a preference for aiding people with vision impairments. The Albert Zunder Fund was established in 1951 by his sister, Fannie Fern Falk with a preference for aiding blind people.  

IVCG recognizes The Community Foundation for its commitment to making a meaningful difference in the lives of those with visual impairments. Their support not only reflects a shared vision of a more inclusive society but also propels us forward in our quest to remove barriers and unlock potential.

"We are profoundly grateful for The Community Foundation’s generosity and belief in our mission," said Daniel Camenga, Executive Director of IVCG. "This grant is a testament to the Foundation's dedication to creating impactful change, and it will significantly enhance our ability to serve our community more effectively. Together, we are making strides towards a future where seniors with visual impairments have equal opportunities to thrive."

For more information about the programs and services offered by Interfaith Volunteer Care Givers, or to learn how you can support our mission, please visit the newly updated website, offering accessible options, via CareNewHaven.org or contact us at (475) 257-6538.

About Interfaith Volunteer Care Givers

Interfaith Volunteer Care Givers is a non-profit organization dedicated to neighbors helping neighbors live lives of connection and care, with seniors at the heart. We share experiences, rides, food, and other services that cultivate connection, support wellness, and relieve loneliness and isolation.

About The Community Foundation for Greater New Haven

The Community Foundation for Greater New Haven’s mission is to inspire, support, inform, listen to, and collaborate with the people and organizations of Greater New Haven to build an ever more connected, inclusive, equitable, and philanthropic community. Founded in 1928, it is one of the oldest and largest community foundations in the country and the largest grant maker in Greater New Haven’s 20-town region. Generations of donors have built this community endowment by establishing permanent funds or making gifts to existing funds that distribute grants to support a broad variety of issues and organizations. These donors, past and present, make their gifts to ensure that programs and causes that matter most to them will be supported today and forever.

Contact:

Dan Camenga

Executive Director

Interfaith Volunteer Care Givers

1253 Whitney Avenue

Hamden, CT 06517

(475) 257-6538

Director@carenewhaven.org

www.CareNewHaven.org

Join us at an upcoming public workshop! We will be at Edgewood Magnet on June 4th.

All workshops will include activities for children, food, and an option to participate on Zoom if you are unable to attend in person. At this workshop, participants will have the opportunity to give feedback on the topical working groups for the plan. And stay tuned for a virtual workshop in late July!

Please help us get the word out to your friends, family, and neighbors!

https://newhavenvision2034.com/ ;

Están invitados a nuestros próximos talleres para Visión 2034, el Plan Integral de New Haven. Estaremos en la escuela de Edgewood Magnet el 4 de Junio.

Todos los talleres incluyeran actividades para niños, comida, y una opción de participar en Zoom si no puede venir en persona. En este taller los participantes tendrán la oportunidad de asesorar sobre los grupos temáticos para desarrollar el plan. Próximamente anunciaremos un taller virtual para finales de julio.

¡Por favor ayúdenos correr la voz a sus amigos, familia, y vecinos!

Photo Credit: Andrej Lisakov

Spoiler alert! People usually get offended when you set boundaries with them because they don't have healthy boundaries themselves!! That means if you're getting offended when other people set limits with you, you probably don't have healthy boundaries. ☹️

It could also be the case that they get offended because you’ve decided to no longer accommodate them and make their lives easier while making yours more difficult.

Here’s an example of someone getting offended by my boundary. 

In this particular case, I chose to explain my boundary, but I don’t always do that. You don’t have to do that either unless you CHOOSE to.

When we start to set boundaries with people we’ve never set them with before, some will get upset by it. That could be because it’s new behavior, and difficult when someone suddenly changes. But often people get upset when we set boundaries because they don't have healthy boundaries. 

When we set a boundary with someone we have a relationship with, we’re differentiating ourselves from them as opposed to being enmeshed with them. Now, you’re distinct from them, and they’re distinct from you. Your pattern of interaction is now distinct from what it used to be. That can sometimes be painful to us and others when we build new boundaries because it’s so unfamiliar. This is especially true if we’ve felt like we don’t know who we are, or at least we don’t know who we are in comparison to others.

When we don’t know where we end and others begin, and we start building boundaries to figure that out, it can be scary to be in the world in an unfamiliar way. This is especially true if you've always been enmeshed with others, so it can feel like you’re putting up a wall between you and the other person. Or that they’re being rude or bitchy when you set a boundary.

Those are fears I hear from clients regularly – they don’t want to be seen as cold and bitchy or to build walls between them and others. The truth is that boundaries bring us closer to others. That’s because we’re being honest and authentic about who we really are - what’s okay and not okay, what we want, like, need, and prefer.

There’s a caveat to that though – if someone is abusive to you or takes extreme advantage of you, your new boundaries might actually be walls. And that’s as it should be. If someone is abusive or violent, then you need a wall between you and them. But it’s infrequent when that happens.

You can be kind and loving and have boundaries. Kind-loving people have healthy boundaries. That makes them safe because we know who we’re getting - we know when they say no, they mean no, and when they say yes, they mean yes. 

Here’s a story about someone who got offended when I set a boundary. She’s a fellow in recovery and I’ve known her for years, but only peripherally. She texted me in the morning to ask if I had a minute to talk. I responded by saying I'm booked today and tomorrow, but I have some time on the weekend. She responded with a very long text message that essentially said, “Who the f*ck do you think you are that people have to make appointments with you for outreach calls?” She went on about how I don’t respond to voice messages but send emails and text messages. She said this because she’d previously wanted me to call her, and I responded via email.

I was absolutely flabbergasted when I got this message from her. Instead of reacting immediately from my state of shock, I paused, said a prayer, and responded “Do you want to talk on the weekend?’

She responded with a couple more very lengthy, accusatory messages and it was clear that she was taking it very personally that I wasn’t able to talk that day or the next. I called my sponsor about this because it felt like an attack, and it really revved up my nervous system and made me feel very defensive. 

As I talked to my sponsor about it, I realized that this was me setting boundaries with her and that she was unable to respect them. For one, I have boundaries around phone calling vs. emailing and texting. And guess what? I get to communicate with people in whatever way I want. They don’t get to dictate how (or when) I communicate with them.

For another, I had boundaries around my time that day and the next. But I also offered her an entire weekend during which we could talk. And BTW – she did not take me up on that offer!

I happen to know that she's very enmeshed with her family and has an extremely difficult time setting boundaries with them. The way I experienced this situation was as if her reaction was something like this:

How dare you have boundaries Barb, when I’m not allowed to or not able to!

In consultation with my sponsor, I decided to send her an email. I didn’t have to do that, I chose to. It took a couple of days to construct the email so that I was sure to be cooled down. I also ran it by my sponsor before sending it since she was not emotionally involved in the situation and could look at it objectively. She asked if I was certain I wanted to do this and I said yes.

My email went something like this: I'm so sorry that my lack of availability to talk to you felt like a rejection. It was not. I’m very protective of my time because I used to give my time away to others all the time, and I don't do that anymore. I had a very busy schedule that day and the next, so I didn’t have time for phone calls. The day you texted me was my anniversary with my sweetheart, so I wanted to spend every spare minute with him.

In response to her comments about me responding via text or email but not by phone, I told her I’m sometimes able to shoot off a text or an email while I'm in the middle of something else. For me, phone calls are reserved for pre-scheduled times because that's what works for me and my schedule.

Again, I didn’t have to explain any of this to her. But I had compassion for her because I knew she was in distress and wanted to connect. Now that I have healthy boundaries, I don’t make other people’s emergencies into my emergencies. I live my life the way I want to live it, not by how others want me to live it.

I didn't hear anything back from her for quite some time. Weeks later, I sent a message to a bunch of people in recovery (blind copied!) about an event that was happening and I included her. I decided to include her because I'd always included her in such things, and I had no ill will toward her. She wrote back, “Thank you” so I took the opportunity to respond,  “I'm glad to see you respond to my message.” She responded, “I haven't responded to your other email because I'm still processing, so I let it go.

Some months later, she wrote back that she understood now. The more I thought about this incident, the more I could see that her reaction - which was way out of proportion to the situation - was because I set a boundary, and she couldn't handle it.

If you recognize yourself in her and this situation, and you get really offended when people set boundaries, it's an indication that you don't have healthy boundaries. If you recognize yourself in me in this situation, remember that you get to have whatever boundaries you want. You get to decide how you want to live your life. 

Many people don't manage their time the way I do, and that’s fine for them. I’m not living their lives, and they’re not living mine. Some of you are probably thinking right now that I’m a bitch for not taking phone calls at any time. Many people leave their ringer on and take phone calls at any time, or decide not to pick it up when it rings if they’re busy. 

That just doesn't work for me because I find myself getting resentful of people for calling me and texting me, so I turn off the ringer on my phone. That way, I get to decide when I’m going to look at my phone and when I’m going to interact with others. Then I don't get resentful of people.

If you’ve been afraid to start setting boundaries because you don't want to put up walls with others or be mean or rude, I'm guessing it's because that’s how you’ve experienced it when other people have set boundaries with you. That’s an indicator that you don't have healthy boundaries. If that’s you, this page has all kinds of free resources on boundaries. I also have tons of free resources on boundaries on my Instagram feed, including almost daily reels with actual scenarios from my life and the lives of my clients.

It’s not mean or rude to set limits with others so you can live your life the way you want. It’s healthy. You get to direct your life, and I get to direct mine. The way you direct your life will definitely be different than how I direct mine. And that’s as it should be. So if you’re taking offense to others’ boundaries, it could be because you have poor boundaries yourself.

For more blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Photo Credit: Ava Sol

I’ve always thought of myself as a very positive and optimistic person. When I got into recovery, I realized that I had a lot of negative thinking. Sometimes, it was ruminating about the past, but more often it was catastrophizing about the future. I call that “living in the wreckage of the future.”

To this day, one of the most difficult tasks in my life is to stop living in the wreckage of the future. Here’s what living in the wreckage of the future looks like for me: 

I decide something bad is going to happen or has happened. Then I think of all the repercussions of that bad thing happening. For example, if someone didn’t show up for something, my mind will assume they died and were perhaps maimed in a horrible accident. Then I think of how awful life will be without them, how much I’ll miss them, how it will impact my life and the lives of others around them.

Or, maybe instead of thinking they died, I might slip into victim mentality and decide, “They don’t love me anymore and don’t have the heart to tell me, so they just blew me off instead of showing up.” And then, I’ll go into a pity party about how awful I feel, and start seeking reasons for why they don’t love me anymore (which of course I’ll find because I’m looking for it!). Both of these types of thinking lead me down the road of negativity and usually activate my nervous system.

My dramatic shift in thinking

This kind of thinking happens much, much less frequently than it used to, but it still happens. When it does happen now, I can see it much more quickly and turn it around. One thing I did to be able to reduce the number of times that type of thinking occurs and to turn it around when it does, is that I made a dramatic shift in my thinking. Instead of thinking, “Something happened to them” or “They don’t love me” I think “Something must have come up for them.”

For example, maybe they got stuck in traffic, and their phone died, or they overslept or misplaced their phone and couldn’t contact me. This is something that I've had to work on with my sweetheart frequently. He’s been known to misplace his phone for hours at a time, and I finally learned that I shouldn't catastrophize if he doesn't respond to me. When I’m in a good state of mind, I’m much more likely to think, “Something must have come up” than live in the wreckage of the future. This is yet another reason to take really good care of myself and live intentionally. When I do that, I’m more often in a good state of mind and less likely to catastrophize.

I have lots of evidence that my sweetheart really loves me, cares for me, is attentive to me, and I matter to him. However, my brain still wants to go into victim mentality where something is happening to me like he doesn’t love me anymore and is going to break up with me. Then I remember, “Ohh, that's right - something probably came up for him.”

When we make mindset shifts like this, we gain more control over our lives. Instead of being in victim mentality, we’re in creator mentality. The circumstances may be the same, but what we make those circumstances mean changes. We don't have to live in drama and chaos. We don't have to activate that inner drugstore of chemicals that throw our nervous system out of whack. 

Instead, when we think, “Something came up” it has a much lighter effect on us. We're able to stay in the present and go on with our day and have pleasant experiences. If we assume the best of intentions on everyone's part, and that something benign came up, we're so much more likely to have high quality life. If we assume bad things happened to them, or they’re not showing up or calling means something bad about us, then we’re likely to have a much less satisfying life. 

When we think that something must have happened or we’re to blame, our emotions are likely to go haywire. We go down the rabbit hole of negativity. But you can avoid that rabbit hole altogether by thinking, “Something must have come up.” 

I honestly didn’t know I was thinking so negatively, or that it was an option to just think something innocent like something came up. And I’ve always thought of myself as an optimist!! I can’t imagine what happens in the minds of those who are pessimists if this is what happens in the mind of an optimist!! You have the power to determine the quality of your life, and it starts with what you’re thinking. This is a perfect example of how important changing perspective is.  

There’s a quote that goes like this: 

“Water the flowers, not the weeds.”

Focus on the positive and not on the negative. What you “water” grows. What you put your attention on grows. If you pay attention to negative thoughts and negativity, you’ll experience more of that. If you pay attention to positive thoughts and positivity, you’ll experience more of that.

Living in the wreckage of the future did me no good. In the past, I didn’t understand I had a choice about my thoughts. Or that I didn’t have to believe my thoughts just because I think them. Now, I understand I actually do get to choose my thoughts. And now you do too.

For most blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

An Exhibition of Fiber Art by Jennifer Davies and Paintings by Liz Hawkes deNiord

Amicizia, meaning friendship in Italian, is the perfect word for an exhibit by friends Jennifer Davies and Liz Hawkes deNiord, whose long arc of friendship and art-making has spanned more than 50 years. AMICIZIA: THE LONG ARC, featuring Davies’ fiber art and deNiord’s paintings is their first show together, and will be on view at City Gallery from May 31 - June 30, with an Opening Reception on Sunday, June 2, 1-4 p.m. and an Artists’ Talk on Sunday, June 30, 2-3 p.m.

Jennifer Davies will be showing a collection of sewn collages made from handmade paper, as well as lace-like pieces of hand-sewn Kozo fiber. Known for her inquisitive exploration of paper making and its use in fiber art, Davies says that creating with paper is like “dancing with a partner as I follow the lead of the material through a series of steps.” She handmakes her own papers, creating sheets of paper and an intricate lace-like material which she prints and paints to add subtle colors.

“Although I would characterize my imagery as abstract, its genesis derives from patterns of nature, overlapping bark, bubbly foam on waves, or tidal lines left on the sand. I use collage and textile techniques, layering, and stitching to build up layers of paper that I have printed or dyed with indigo or kakishibu, both traditional Japanese dyes.”

With similar attention to technique, color, and layers, Liz Hawkes deNiord’s distinct ‘excavated’ paintings are heavily textured, thickly layered and scraped with palette knife to reveal dazzling pentimentos infused with saturated, iridescent light. Working mostly on large canvases, the vertical alignment of her colorful abstract paintings resonates as a physical presence. As she explains, “The paintings evolve through layers, through rotation of the canvas, and through a suspended trust in the outcome to 'pay attention' consciously and unconsciously.”

deNiord is a painter as well as a ceramicist, and occasionally, a printmaker. Liz and her poet husband Chard deNiord live in the woods of Vermont where she paints and in warm weather also works with clay (treating glazing as three-dimensional painting). She received degrees in art education and art history from Southern Connecticut State College. She has had parallel careers as an artist, producing ceramics, paintings, and prints, along with teaching at public, private, and college levels as a learning specialist for 15 years and an art educator for 23. Liz shows her work regionally and nationally, as well as on occasional book covers.

Davies graduated from RISD and the Rome Honors Program. Trained as a painter, she has pivoted to fiber, making paper by hand. Group shows include the Fuller Craft Museum, Flinn Gallery, and Fiberart International. Solo shows were at City Gallery and the Museum of Papermaking. She is a member of North American Hand Papermakers and Surface Design Association. In 2012 she was awarded a Connecticut Artist Fellowship Grant. Her work appears in several Fiber Arts books, such as L’art du fil by Marie Madeleine Masse, and Wall Art, a Schiffer publication. In recent years, she has completed commissions for hotels, cruise ships, and residences.

Davis and deNiord have always wanted to exhibit their work together, and are thrilled to present AMICIZIA: THE LONG ARC at City Gallery in June. The exhibit is free and open to the public and runs May 31 - June 30, with an Opening Reception on Sunday, June 2, 1 p.m. - 4 p.m. The artists will be in the gallery on Sunday, June 30 for an Artists’ Talk. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m., or by appointment. City Gallery follows New Haven City’s mask mandate policy. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

Photo Credit: Priscilla Du Preez and Sage Friedman

For some reason, most of the people I work with are super concerned about not being selfish. People (especially women) act like being selfish is one of the worst sins you can commit. Even being perceived as selfish is so distressing that they’ll go to just about any lengths to not be perceived as selfish - even if it’s detrimental to their well-being.

Since one of my mantras is “keep the focus on yourself” this thing about selfishness comes up a lot. I’ve been asked a few times what the difference is between that and thinking “It’s all about me.” They may sound similar, but they’re not. 

Keeping the focus on yourself is imperative if you want to live a life with the intention that you enjoy. When you learn to keep the focus on yourself, you're much more likely to be an energized, vital contributing citizen, and things are less likely to be “all about you.” Here’s what I mean. 

When you keep the focus on yourself, you’re focused on what you’re doing or could be doing, what you want and need. That means, you’re less likely to be focused on what others are doing or not doing, what they need, and trying to provide that for them. As the serenity prayer encourages us to do, we want to change the things we can (us) and accept what we can’t change (others). 

Keeping the focus on yourself is about being proactive in your life and not reactive to life. Another way to say that is that it’s about coming out of victim mentality. When we have victim mentality, we don’t perceive choices. We feel like life is happening to us rather than that we’re creating our lives. You will not and cannot take control of your life if you think life is happening to you. You cannot take control of your life unless you keep the focus on yourself. 

I was astonished about how much control I was able to have over my life as a result of my recovery, especially when I built healthy boundaries. I started to live much more intentionally, though I didn’t know I wasn’t living intentionally before that! 

When we live more intentionally, we mind our own business and take responsibility for ourselves and our well-being. That means we’re much more likely to live well, contribute to society, and be good citizens. Wouldn’t it be nice if our communities were made up of more people who live well, contribute to society, and act like good citizens?? 

You can’t control whether others do that, but you can control whether you do that. 

When we keep the focus on ourselves and have an internal focus, we’re much better able to see that circumstances in our lives are just happening. They’re not happening to us. Let’s say someone else has done something mean or nasty. If you’re focused on yourself and living mindfully and purposefully, then you don’t take things others do so personally. You’re more interested in what you’re doing, thinking, and feeling and how you’ll respond to that. 

I like peace. That’s become more and more important to me over time. So, when someone does something that previously might have pissed me off, I’m not really interested in “going there.” I want to maintain my peace. I don’t want to give my peace and serenity away to them (especially if they’re a stranger!). 

For example, when I see someone driving erratically, I remember that I used to drive like that. I know what that’s like. They’re typically “all about me” and not thinking of how their driving is upsetting others and potentially putting others in danger. So I bless them and let them go on their way without losing my shit. 

I’m focused on me, what I’m doing, who I’m being, what I’m thinking and feeling. I’m trying to maintain my peace and serenity. I’m not focused on them and what an asshole they are, which is what I used to do. 

When I used to get pissed off when things like that happened, I’d also relive that moment throughout the day feeling justified in my anger. That meant I experienced that difficulty repeatedly, instead of just one time. Now I can let it go because I’m focused on myself and the life I’m creating. I didn’t know it was an option to not be pissed off under such circumstances. In my family, someone pulling out in front of you equaled being pissed off. That’s just the way it was. 

If you’re always thinking, “It's all about me” you're a taker, looking to get what you can from others and society. You’re probably walking around thinking that people or society owe you something. You don't understand or care what’s happening to others. You don’t see that things are just happening in the world; they're not happening to you. 

You probably think that when somebody does something that pisses you off, they did that just to piss you off, or because they don't like you. You think that you’re the center of their universe rather than they’re the center of their universe. That makes you more likely to take things personally. That’s an external focus and the opposite of keeping the focus on yourself. 

The Serenity prayer reminds us to seek the courage to change the things we can (us and our internal world) and accept things we cannot change (others and the external world). You can’t change the internal world if you’re not focused on it. You can’t change the external world, period. 

If you want a life where you feel more in control and have more peace and serenity, consider keeping the focus on yourself. If you need help learning how to do that, you can listen to this podcast and/or read this article.

For more blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

The arts and sciences, the movement and stillness, the rhythm of breath and step: on Saturday afternoon, all came together in the performance space at St. Paul and St. James Episcopal Church on Olive Street for Creative Circle, a delightful dance and music performance that saw two dance companies — the New Haven-based kamrDANCE and the New York-based SYREN Modern Dance — engage each other as well as the audience in their latest works in progress...

https://www.newhavenindependent.org/article/creative_circle_asks_community_to_the_dance

New Haven Reads needs your help once again! We are losing a lot of our wonderful college students soon due to the end of their semester. Anyone interested in becoming a tutor should act fast! We have more than 80 students who are losing tutors this month.
Learn more here.

Helen Caraballo seemingly got a break a dozen years ago when she was convicted of a low-level felony in a drug conspiracy case: A judge gave her a suspended sentence, sparing her time in prison...

https://ctmirror.org/2023/12/18/ct-clean-slate-law/

Photo Credit: Getty Images

If you’ve ever felt like you keep trying to get to balance but are not able to get there because you keep getting thrown off, this essay is for you.

When we think about balance in our lives, we tend to think it means getting to a certain state or set of behaviors and staying there. In reality, life balance is more like physical balance on a balance beam or when balancing on one foot. There’s a tiny amount of swaying back and forth. We might be stationary for a moment, but it doesn’t last. We teeter.

THAT is what balance is. It's not a static point we stay at permanently.

When physically balancing on one leg, as we sway very slightly back and forth, we strengthen the muscles up and down our leg. It’s that movement that causes your muscles to get flexed and strengthened. The flexibility and strength are how we get better balance - by continually doing these little teeny tiny back-and-forth motions. 

For life balance, it’s the same. We do a little bit of adjusting here and there. The fact that we’re noticing and making adjustments is what tells you whether you’re on track for a balanced life or not. By continually noticing and making adjustments, you “strengthen the muscles” of your life by being alert to what’s working and what’s not. If you’re not even paying attention, then you can’t possibly have a balanced life. 

If you’re trying to have a healthy work-life balance, that doesn’t mean it will look exactly the same every week. Let’s say your weekly goals are:

·       Work 35 hours

·       Go to the gym five times

·       Eat 21 healthy meals 

·       Do four social activities 

·       Read for pleasure for two hours

It’s great to have those as goals, but goals are what we strive for. We don’t necessarily hit the mark on all our goals. I feel comfortable saying we don’t hit most of our goals. But we keep setting goals so we know where we’re headed.

In reality, things come up from time to time. There will be weeks when you have a project at work, so you have to work more hours and you take some time away from your family. Or maybe you volunteer and there’s a big event coming up, so you take time off of work or you skip going to the gym a couple times that week. That doesn’t mean your life is unbalanced. It makes more sense to look at a month (or maybe even a quarter) rather than a week when deciding if you’re living a life of balance because things come up. 

Even when we live our lives ON PURPOSE, things come up. I’d say things come up especially when you live your life on purpose. That’s because you’ll be experiencing all the richness of life. The more you get involved in things you value, the more things will come your way that you want to participate in. 

Some weeks will follow a pretty similar schedule, and some weeks won’t. Looking at a longer interval of time like a month might be better during times when you have special projects or events that are outside the norm.

A balanced life when you’re in special circumstances might be:

• an average of 38 hours/week at work
• averaging 4x/week of exercise over the month
• 80% of your meals are healthy that month
• an average of five hours of social activity weekly that month
• an average of two hours of pleasure reading weekly that month

Having a balanced life requires some sanity, and that means stepping out of black-and-white thinking about what constitutes a balanced life. There's going to be a little give and take here and there.

If your life is completely OUT of balance in one or more areas, start fiddling with those areas one at a time. Fiddle a little bit here and a bit there and work toward something that feels sustainable and pleasurable. 

When I started learning to balance on one leg I fell over a lot. I bet most people do. What you do to catch yourself is you put your other foot down for just a moment to get back to balance. Then you pick that leg back up again and do that as often as you need to. You’re still strengthening the muscles of the standing leg even when you keep having to put the other foot down momentarily. 

There are some days when my balance on one leg is better than other days, yet I do this pose almost daily. I'm way better than I used to be, but there are still days when I have to keep putting my foot down so I don’t fall over. That’s just the way it is.

I’ve found the same to be true of life balance. I actually have life balance now which was never the case before recovery. Don’t get me wrong, it’s always a work in progress. The thing I find myself most needing to work on is leisure time. The last few weeks of going through the “pit of doom” I experienced helped me get much better at that though. Sometimes something difficult happens that gives us a wake-up call and gets us into more balance.

Some of the things I’ve been doing for a while now to ensure more leisure time are no longer coaching clients on weekends, scheduling weekly “sacrosanct Barb time” on Monday nights, and scheduling monthly craft dates with friends. 

Recovery helped me to achieve balance in my life, especially learning how to have healthy boundaries so I could show up for myself instead of just showing up for others all the time. The most important thing that helps me to maintain balance is my nightly inventory.* Even if you’re not willing to take a daily inventory, doing some kind of regular check-in with yourself will help you maintain life balance.

Stop thinking that life balance is a static point that you’ll achieve and stay there. Real balance requires constant motion and a little bit of adjusting here and there. When you get to the point where you’re relatively satisfied with your life balance, make sure you do some kind of regular check-in with yourself to determine whether you need to make some adjustments.

*If you’d like a copy of the worksheet I created for my clients, “Doing a Nightly Inventory,” please email me, and I’ll send you a copy (barb@higherpowercc.com).

For more blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Join us at an upcoming public workshop! We will be at Lincoln Bassett on May 13th and Edgewood Magnet on June 4th.

All workshops will include activities for children, food, and an option to participate on Zoom if you are unable to attend in person.

Please help us get the word out to your friends, family, and neighbors! 

https://newhavenvision2034.com/ ;

Están invitados a nuestros próximos talleres para Visión 2034, el Plan Integral de New Haven. Estaremos en la escuela de Lincoln Bassett el 13 de Mayo y en la escuela de Edgewood Magnet el 4 de Junio.

Todos los talleres incluyeran actividades para niños, comida, y una opción de participar en Zoom si no puede venir en persona. 

¡Por favor ayúdenos correr la voz a sus amigos, familia, y vecinos! 

Photo Credit: Uday Mittal

One of the insights I gained early in my recovery journey was that I'd been expecting people to read my mind my whole life—well, at least subconsciously. If you had asked me, "Are you expecting people to read your mind?" I probably would have said no.

As I talked with others on my recovery journey with me, we realized that was true for all of us. And the reason we wanted people to read our minds was because we thought that’s how it works! Again, this was all subconscious.

We realized we’d all been trying to read others’ minds our entire lives, so why weren't they reading our minds??? Let’s forget the fact that we were wrong about being able to read other people’s minds!!! That didn't seem to matter.

In trying to understand all this, it helps to think about the four primary rules under which dysfunctional families operate:

• Don't talk
• Don't trust
• Don't feel
• Don't remember 

In the case of believing we could and should read other people’s minds, the rule we were sticking by is the don't talk rule. That means a few things:

• Don't ask questions when you don't understand something. I internalized that as meaning that I had to have an answer for everything and saying, “I don’t know”, was not an option.
• Don't talk about certain kinds of things, typically important things like spirituality, feelings, finances, or how to take care of yourself.
• Pretend certain things didn’t happen and don’t ask questions when the adults say one thing and do another. 
• Don’t ask questions when you’re confused, don’t know what’s going on around you, or don’t understand what people are talking about. Just accept confusion as part of life.

I had a lack of clarity about a lot of things in my life but didn’t realize that until I got into recovery, when and I got clarity about a lot of things. 

• I got clarity about my own identity and what was okay with me and not okay with me. 
• I got clarity about the fact that I’d been confused much of my life and that these dysfunctional family rules had been operating in and running my entire life. 
• I got clarity about the fact that I’d been trying to read people’s minds and that I was expecting others to read my mind.

This influenced all my relationships, especially romantic relationships. It meant I’d do things to try to get people to read my mind. Like pouting, giving one-word answers, or being rude. Then I’d want my partner, and sometimes friends, to know what was going on with me,

When they’d ask me if I was ok I’d say, “I'm fine”, when I was clearly not fine, they’d say, “Are you sure?” I’d say, “Yeah, I'm fine” but I didn't mean it. I believe I did that because I was exceedingly uncomfortable with them asking me directly about what was wrong. I wanted them to somehow intuit what was wrong with me. 

Don’t get me wrong - there were times when they got to the root of things with me. It's not like I never resolved anything in a relationship. But this was a pattern of mine where I wanted people to read my mind because I thought, “This is how it works.”

I wasn't used to open and direct communication with others. In fact, I was aghast when I saw and heard others coming out and stating clearly what they wanted and needed and what their preferences were. It seemed like they were being rude.

My relationship with my sweetheart is the only healthy romantic relationship I’ve ever had. When we first started dating he said something about “You seem interested in me” and I replied, “Yes I am, you have me curious!” I was 55 and I had never come out and said to a man, “I'm interested in you.” It just wasn’t an option. 

And I’d never had a man to come out and say, “I'm interested in you.” That was not my experience. We just didn't talk about such things, and that includes men I met on dating sites where it was really clear we were there to date. I’ve learned from others in recovery that I was not alone in all this.

If you recognize yourself in what I'm saying here and realize you've been trying to read other people’s minds (and holding them accountable for being able to read your mind) that is not how it works!

If you’re ever going to have a high-quality relationship with people, you’ll have to learn how to communicate directly and clearly with people. You’ll need to come right out and tell them what you want, need, like, prefer, think, and feel. And you’ll need to come right out and ask them what they want need think, and feel. This is one of the most important skills I teach my boundary-coaching clients. People with poor boundaries are notorious for murky communication, like beating around the bush, implying things, expecting that people “should” know things, and expecting mind-reading.

The ability to communicate directly takes lots of practice. Occasionally, it’s still hard for me, but most of the time it's pretty easy now because I know the cost of not communicating directly. I want healthy relationships where we’re real with each other, and that can only come from clear and direct communication.

If you need help learning how to clearly and directly communicate with others, you’re a great candidate for my private coaching program. I have an entire module on developing empowered communication, and that skill is something we work on during the entire program.

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In his new body of work, artist Michael Zack considers the CONVERGENCE of form, figures, and color. The exhibit will be on view from May 3 - May 26, with an Opening Reception on Sunday, May 5, 2 p.m. - 4 p.m. The artist will also be in the gallery on Friday, May 10 and Sunday, May 26 to answer questions and meet with visitors.

Zack’s trademark images are shorn of distinguishing facial features and clothing detail, so that they become anyone and everyone — uniquely individual and somewhat mysterious. He selects figures because of the gestural qualities and their ability to relate to each other and the space in which they are placed. The interrelationships of the figures and the movement within the panoramas are supported by the vibrant, subtle and nuanced range of colors within the prints. 

“They are frequently, but not always based on people I know and have had the opportunity to observe as they go about their daily lives,” he explains. “Some of the images are from photos of family members and friends taken many years ago. Consequently, the memories and feelings they evoke are unique and personal to me.” But taken out of the context, the figures have been rearranged into a panorama that has a narrative all its own, one that invites the viewer to interpret in his or her own way.

Zack received his art education at The Brooklyn Museum Art School, The Silvermine School of Art and Creative Arts Workshop. His work has been shown at City Gallery in New Haven, The Silvermine Guild Arts Center in New Canaan,  where he is a member, The New Haven Paint and Clay Club, the Community Gallery of the Brooklyn Museum, the Attleboro Museum in Attleboro, MA, the Paul Mellon Arts Center, Wallingford, CT, the Fitchburg Art Museum, Fitchburg, MA, The Bruce Kershner Gallery at the Fairfield Library and the Katonah Museum among others.

CONVERGENCE is free and open to the public and runs May 3 - May 26, with an Opening Reception on Sunday, May 5, 2 p.m. - 4 p.m. The artist will be in the gallery on Friday, May 10 and Sunday, May 2. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m., or by appointment. City Gallery follows New Haven City’s mask mandate policy. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.