There are two kinds of “uncomfortable.” The first might come up if you grew up in a chaotic and dysfunctional family like I did. That means you learned to put up with difficulty and discomfort. It could have been emotional, psychological, or physical discomfort. When our lives are like that, we come to accept that life is difficult and uncomfortable.

Then there’s a different kind of uncomfortable that has to do with changing your behavior and stretching yourself to go outside of your comfort zone. It’s uncomfortable to do that because it’s new. Using the metaphor of the well-worn groove from above – we have to leap out of our well-worn groove and carve a new one. That’s definitely not comfortable, and it's not easy. At least at first, it’s not.

Whether you stay with your old pattern or try on new behaviors discomfort persists. The thing about the old patterns is that that kind of discomfort is perpetual. In fact, it’s likely to get worse and create more chaos and drama in our lives. But when we form new patterns of behavior and have discomfort with that, that discomfort will eventually end. We’ll eventually become comfortable with the new behavior if we persist. Even better, there’s healing on the other side of that!

Our tolerance for discomfort in our lives may come from growing up in situations that were dysfunctional, chaotic, and potentially traumatic. So we learned to put up with being uncomfortable much of the time. We normalize discomfort. We come to think that’s just how life is. If we don’t know any difference, then we might have a high tolerance for dysfunction. 

We don't have to do that anymore. We get to decide for ourselves as grown adults what we prefer, and then we get to seek those things out. I know it's not quite as easy as deciding “This is what I prefer” and then seeking that out. Many of us don't know what we prefer if we’ve been people-pleasing or enmeshed with others and going by what they prefer. 

The process of determining what you prefer takes a while. For me personally, the way I determined what I liked and didn’t like was in the boundary-building process. I made educated guesses about what I thought I’d like and then set boundaries following that. Sometimes I was right, and sometimes I was wrong. But it was feedback. I figured out what was comfortable for me and what was uncomfortable for me. When something was comfortable, I kept doing it. When it was uncomfortable, I adjusted. Understanding the distinction between the two types of discomfort was really important in that process.

For example, one thing that really helped me to get good at boundaries was being in recovery for compulsive overeating and having a food plan. In the beginning, I’d say, “I don’t eat sugar” in situations where there was food being served. Inevitably, people would ask me all kinds of questions. I realized that made me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t want to go into detail about my food and eating. Then I started saying, “I don’t eat sweets” and there were more questions. Eventually, I landed on, “I have food issues”, and I found that people didn’t ask any questions. That felt comfortable.

I also used to offer explanations when I refused food, and there were more questions that made me uncomfortable. I finally landed on, “No thanks” with no explanation. If they pushed more, I’d just repeat myself, “No thanks.” That felt comfortable. It’s polite, and I don’t owe anyone an explanation about my food intake.

The second kind of uncomfortable comes along when we start to form new patterns of behavior. Like setting boundaries around my food and my discussions about my food. It was definitely uncomfortable at first. But my recovery was more important to me than putting up with some temporary discomfort. Knowing that my sanity and health are at stake if I compromise my food boundaries makes me care much less about offending others. They don’t have to live in my body, I do.

Here’s the key distinction between these two types of discomfort: on the other side the discomfort of the new behavior pattern is freedom and healing. If you allow yourself to go through the discomfort of learning to set boundaries, you’ll experience freedom like you’ve never had before.

We experience mental, emotional, and physical relief as we allow ourselves to be our true selves when we set boundaries and tell people the truth about what’s okay and not okay. 

When you're thinking about whether things make you uncomfortable or not, ask yourself this question:

Is this the bad kind of uncomfortable or the good kind of uncomfortable?

In other words, is this the discomfort of a long-standing dysfunctional pattern that will only get worse over time? Or is this the discomfort of trying something new that will become comfortable and lead to freedom?

You might also ask yourself this: What would happen if you persisted with this kind of discomfort?

If you continue to people-please and give in to what others want, or continue to focus more on others’ approval than your own, your resentment and exhaustion are likely to continue. But if you persist with the good kind of discomfort that comes with changed behavior, the long-term result is that change happens, you become comfortable with the new pattern, and you get the rewards of the new healthy behavior. 

What kind of life are you going to have if you continue with whichever form of discomfort you’re experiencing? Will it be to your detriment or your personal development?

You can choose to get outside your comfort zone with the kind of discomfort that is going to make you grow. You can choose to stop putting up with the kind of discomfort that prolongs your discomfort and leads to more chaos and drama

For more blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Photo Credit: Valeriia Miller

Emotional pain sucks. Sometimes, it's worse than physical pain. I’ve got some ways for you to reduce the amount and frequency of your emotional pain. I’ll share those at the end after sharing the ways I prolonged and increased my emotional pain before I got into recovery.

Here’s some evidence of the emotional pain I’ve been through. I’ve had several episodes of depression that were so debilitating that I could barely get out of bed. It’s hard to believe I kept my job. I'd go days without showering or brushing my teeth. I’d wear clothes I knew were dirty because I just didn’t give a shit. I just couldn’t give a shit.

There’s only one house plant that has survived all of my bouts of depression. I've killed at least a couple of different rounds of house plants in my life because I just couldn’t be bothered keeping something else alive. I was having a hard enough time keeping myself alive. I was never suicidal, but I did understand why others would when I was that depressed.

I've also had the regular emotional pain that people who aren't depressed experience, like heartbreak, lost friendships, and catastrophizing about the future. The emotional pain I endured when my 35-year-old brother Pat died in 2006 was by far the worst emotional pain of my life. So I get it.

What I know now is that there were things I was doing that made my pain worse and prolonged it. I was not taught how to deal with my emotions at all, never mind how to manage emotional pain. Until I got into recovery, that is. 

Here’s how to prolong and increase your pain.

Here are some of the things I did in the past that either prolonged or increased my pain. 

1). I wallowed in the pain by repeatedly thinking thoughts that gave me pain. For example, “I’ll never find love.” This kind of thought prolongs the fight-or-flight cycle in the brain and body. I didn't realize it was an option to not do that. I didn’t know it was a choice I was making to replay those thoughts. It may not feel like you’re choosing your thoughts, but you are. This is good news because that means you can choose to change them!

2). I’d also replay painful incidents in my head. If somebody said something really hurtful to me, I’d replay that episode in my head over and over. I was acting as if I replayed it enough times, I’d somehow have a different outcome. Instead, it increased my pain and reinforced for me what an asshole they were. That reinforced my belief that they were the source of my problems rather than that my thinking was the source of my problems. When you go through something difficult, you’re only meant to go through it once. Not repeatedly.

3). Another strategy I used to use when I was in emotional pain was beating myself up for being in pain. On some level, I must have believed this would get me to ‘tow the line’ or that I could punish myself into better behavior. But I was fooling myself. You may think you’re aiming at the goal of “better” with negative self-talk, but what you’re actually doing is aiming for the goal of “worse.”

Want some evidence? The quality of your life right now! If you’re constantly dwelling on how shitty you feel or are, and your life isn’t getting any better, you’re hitting the goal you’re aiming at (even if it’s subconscious). This is making things worse. That’s because we hit what we aim at.

What’s going on in your head is of the utmost importance. If you’re telling yourself the same terrible things all day long, day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year it has an enormous impact.

4). Something else I did was isolate myself and not express my pain to others. I held onto my difficult feelings, often trying to push them down. I may have expressed them when I was alone, but I wouldn’t do that until they were completely bottled up. Then I would cry and cry and cry. I’ve learned that expressing my feelings in the presence of a safe person does something magical– it eases the pain. 

The first time I learned this was with grief. It was almost as if hugging the person when I was crying with grief sucked the grief out of me. I’ve heard it said that happy relationships multiply joys and divide sorrows and this is a perfect example of that. Being witnessed by a caring person when we're in pain is so powerful. I think it’s because we’re wired for connection. As they say, “We’re obsessive and compulsive in isolation but we heal in community.” If isolating could help us reduce our emotional pain it would have by now!

I couldn’t see that these things I was doing were wounding me repeatedly. All this kept me in victim mentality, which is such an insidious way of thinking that is so deeply entrenched it’s hard to spot. In this case, victim mentality means believing that the source of my problems was outside myself. Coming out of victim mentality is – by far – the most important mindset shift I got from recovery. And I continue to come out of it to this day. In fact, I have at least five podcast episodes about coming out of victim mentality!

You do not have to wallow in your feelings, replay difficult situations, beat yourself, or isolate yourself. You only experienced that terrible situation once, so stop replaying it. When I learned that it was a choice to stop wallowing, replaying incidents, etc. and I could lessen my pain it radically impacted my life!

Those old patterns were soooo familiar. They were so familiar they were almost comfortable. And I mean comfortable like a well-worn groove, but not comforting. If that distinction between comfortable and comforting is something you’d like to explore more, you can listen to my episode about that here. 

I was kind of comfortable with pain, to be honest with you. It was like an old friend who I just kept around because they’d always been there, not because I really wanted them to stick around. 

Here’s how to reduce your emotional pain.

Understanding how our brains work is really helpful when you’re trying to manage your emotions and create a better life. Keep in mind I’m a layperson, so this is my wording and understanding, I’m not a neuroscientist. 

When we get stressed out, which includes being in emotional pain, we become unable to access our frontal lobe. This is our “thinking brain.” That’s why when you’re stressed, it feels like you can’t think clearly. That’s because you can’t. You’re in fight-or-flight mode and you’re supposed to fight or flee, not think. This is a mechanism of safety for our body so the energy you need to fight or flee can be available, which it wouldn’t be if it were directed to the frontal lobe.

The way this knowledge helps is that we understand the importance of making as many decisions as possible using the frontal lobe. That’s because these will be more reasoned and rational decisions. They’re not as likely to be clouded decisions. For me, that means making as many decisions ahead of time as possible (p.s., this is what boundaries are – we make decisions ahead of time about what our standards for our life are and we uphold them – no matter what’s going on).

You’re much better off if you make decisions ahead of time than when you’re in fight-or-flight mode when you can’t think. If you've already made a decision ahead of time, you don't have to think. Just have to act on that prior decision made by your frontal lobe or “human brain” as opposed to your lizard brain.

This allows you to be an actor rather than a reactor in your life. Making some decisions ahead of time reduces emotional pain. Here’s what that might look like:

When you’re well, think about three things you can do to take care of yourself when you’re really upset. This might be pausing to take three deep breaths, going to the bathroom to remove yourself from the situation, or feeling your feet planted firmly on the ground. Write those three things down and make sure at least one of them can be done immediately.

For me, the quick thing is always a positive statement. I have an affirmations note on my phone so I can just open that up and look at those. I also have a few photos on my phone saved as favorites that make me feel connected to my Higher Power so I can look at those.

Another thing we can do easily is engage our senses (e.g., name five things in the room that you can see; listen for the most distant sound you can hear). This is helpful because engaging our senses brings us into the present moment. 

Personally, I like affirmations because it's my mind that causes all the distress so that’s where I need to intervene. But sometimes my body acts like there’s an emergency inside so I want to calm it down by breathing and/or getting present.

You could also connect with your Higher Power or say a prayer. If there’s anything I’ve just named that appeals to you, please take a moment right now to write it down. That way you’ll have them to refer to when you’re upset so you won’t have to think about what to do because you just decided ahead of time. 

Perhaps have a list of 2-4 people on your note that you can reach out to when you’re in pain. That way you don’t have to think, “Who can I call?” and you’re less likely to talk yourself out of calling them if you’ve made the decision ahead of time.

Reducing emotional pain isn’t about never being in pain again. It’s about being there for ourselves when we’re in pain. Doing things to soothe ourselves instead of making it worse. If we take care of ourselves consistently, it will reduce our pain. Being consistent is the opposite of being chaotic which is what wallowing in pain and replaying negative scenarios create – chaos.

I know it’s not that easy to just stop a thinking pattern you’ve done your whole life. So be sure to get your new thoughts and soothing behaviors written down and make sure to carry them around with you (perhaps on your phone). When the shitty thoughts and feelings come up, look at that note and think those thoughts or do those behaviors.

This works for a couple of reasons. One is that we’re making use of our frontal lobe when we come up with the thought ahead of time. Two, we can’t access that frontal lobe when we’re upset. When you refer to the thought or behavior you wrote down, you’re sort of “jumping out of” your lizard brain which breaks the pattern you’ve been using for years. 

When you replace your shitty thoughts and behaviors with good ones, it’s a good idea to keep saying the new thoughts and doing the new behaviors until you can get away from the subject altogether. Instead of thinking something like, “I’ll never find love” think something like “I’ll find love someday” or “I am lovable right now.” You don't have to believe that new thought in the beginning, just say it anyway. 

Instead of walling in or holding onto your difficult emotions and isolating yourself, reach out to someone you love and tell them you need to get some things off your chest. To reduce our emotional pain, we need to clean up what's going on in our minds, say good and positive things to ourselves, and connect with the present moment and those who love us. We need to treat ourselves well and take good care of ourselves. You don’t need to prolong or deepen your pain. I wish I’d been taught that decades ago, it would have saved me enormous amounts of pain.

For more blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

One of the most important things that 12-step recovery taught me was acceptance: how to accept things I previously considered unacceptable.

I didn’t really understand just how important the lack of acceptance was in my life. I was filled with resentments and wanted many things to be different than they were: traffic, my boss, politics, the educational system, the cap of my toothpaste tube.

I’d heard a bunch of things about acceptance before:

     “Emotional pain often comes from non-acceptance.”

     “Acceptance decreases suffering.”

     “Acceptance is a choice; it means we stop fighting against what IS.”

But my question was – how do you do it?! HOW do I learn to accept things that I see as unacceptable!?

Here’s my story to illustrate how I got to the point where I’m (mostly) accepting of things that used to feel unacceptable. It started with my first epiphany in recovery which happened while I was in a traffic jam. I’d just pumped the brakes for the third time while crawling along and this thought popped into my head, “I need to leave more space between cars…”

I was like, “Wait! Whoa! *I* need to leave more space between cars! It’s not that there’s traffic that’s the problem here, it’s me! I’m the problem!” This may not sound like good news to you, but it was good news to me because, if I’m the problem, then I can be the solution!

I wasn’t sure how I could be the solution just yet, but what came to mind was a common saying from recovery, “Acceptance is the answer to my problem today.”

I didn’t really know what that saying meant, but I’d been in recovery long enough to listen to the wisdom of recovery because I’d already learned so, so much that I never got in all the therapy and self-help stuff I did. What I did was repeat that phrase over and over again, “Acceptance is the answer to my problem today….” What happened was miraculous! I became calm.

The situation hadn’t changed, but my reaction to it was completely different. I very quickly had a cascade of understanding about how my thinking that there should not be traffic was the problem. Highways were built for traffic, yet I somehow thought there shouldn’t be traffic there (at least not while I was driving!).

This helped me see that it was my thinking the source of most of my problems. It’s thinking that things shouldn’t be the way they are that’s the problem. Recognizing that I wasn’t accepting things as they were was the biggest step in learning acceptance. You can’t fix something if you don’t see it as a problem.

Being in a situation that had been extremely frustrating just moments before and becoming calm in that very same situation changed everything. It was news to me that I could be in the same situation and not be activated!

I previously thought it was the situation that was the problem, but it turned out it was ME that was the problem. Or rather, it was my thinking about the situation that was the problem. I saw that I’d been trying to fight against reality, against what is. So I started telling myself, “This is what’s happening, this is what’s happening, this is what’s happening…” as a way to sort of “insert” myself into the facts of a situation (e.g., there’s traffic on the highway during rush hour). 

What’s interesting is that I was the kind of person who didn’t believe I had any “shoulds” in my thinking. When I heard things like, “Don’t should on yourself” I didn’t think it applied to me. Yet here I was thinking that traffic, politics, the educational system, etc., should be different than they were.

There’s a piece of 12-step literature about how saying something over and over can clear up a channel choked up with fear, anger, frustration, or misunderstanding. I think that’s why repeating “Acceptance is the answer to my problem” and “This is what’s happening” really worked for me in getting me to acceptance.

Acceptance means focusing our thinking on what is happening, being in the present moment, and facing “this is what’s happening.” As they say, “You cannot solve a problem by condemning it,” and I’d been condemning these “problems” thinking they were at fault when the problem was my thinking.

Acceptance doesn’t mean I have to like it. 

I don’t have to like that there’s traffic, and I don’t have to like the way the manufacturers of the toothpaste cap created it. But I also don’t have to fight against what is. I get to stop resisting and stop avoiding and be really present.

I can focus on the world around me or fix myself and deal with “Life on Life’s Terms.” If I resist the situation, I can’t do anything about it. But if I accept it, I can be at peace and present.

There have been many areas (besides traffic!) where acceptance has made a huge difference. One is emotional acceptance. I’ve come to accept that “this is how I’m feeling.” Emotions tend to build on each other, so accepting them rather than resisting them lessens the impact of the difficult emotions. For example, if you feel worried, but then you get angry that you’re worried your difficulty gets multiplied (worry x anger = something much shittier than either of those). But if you feel worried and accept that you’re worried, then you only have the original feeling without adding additional emotion to it. Just feel the worry and let it pass. Emotions are energy, and they will morph and change – this too shall pass

The most important kind of acceptance for me has been self-acceptance. You can’t change something by condemning it. I’m never going to beat myself up into being a sane, rational, functional, mature person. So when I do something I don’t particularly like, I accept that I did that thing instead of fighting it. I try to come to the situation with curiosity instead of condemnation. This allows me to face reality and work toward the kind of life I want – one of peace and serenity.

For more blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Do you know a creative high school student?  The Milton Fisher Scholarship for Innovation and Creativity awards students who have found distinctive solutions to problems faced by their family, school, community, or the world, or who have solved an artistic, scientific, or technical problem in a new or unusual way. 

This is a four-year scholarship of up to $20,000 (up to $5,000 per year for four years).  It is open to high school seniors and college freshmen in Connecticut and the New York Metropolitan area, as well as students from outside the region attending or planning to attend college in Connecticut or the New York City area.  More information and the online application can be found at https://mfscholarship.org/. ; Interested applicants must complete the online application on or before May 15, 2024. 

For more information, please contact mfscholarship@cfgnh.org.

Do you know a college student who wants to share the joy and power of reading with children this summer? We are seeking college-age interns to support our summer 2024 literacy programs and enrichment clubs. For more information or to apply click here. 

Connecticut natives, fans of roadside attractions, and followers of Atlas Obscura have no doubt heard of Waterbury’s Holy Land USA. But not many have as intimate knowledge of the famed location as photographer Joy Bush. Since 1987, Bush has been photographing this folk art treasure, the result of which can be seen in RUINS OF A HOLY LAND, on exhibit at City Gallery from April 5 - April 28, with an Artist Reception Saturday, April 13, 2 p.m. to 5 p.m.

Holy Land USA was constructed under the direction of Waterbury attorney John Greco and dedicated in 1958. The complex had some 200 separate structures inspired by selected passages from the Bible. It officially closed in 1984, and became the property of a Roman Catholic religious order. In 2013, Mayor Neil O’Leary and car dealer Fred “Fritz” Balsius purchased Holy Land, announcing a plan to clean up and revitalize the site as part of a community effort. Today, it is overseen by Holy Land USA - Waterbury, a non-profit organization.

Bush first discovered Holy Land USA in 1977 when she saw the popular cross lit up on Waterbury’s Pine Hill. “It was ten years later that I made my first pilgrimage,” she says. What she discovered was an 18-acre tract of land devoted to a small-scale, homemade reproduction of Bethlehem. “Filled with objects that a folk artist would find irresistible, it was crude, sweet, and strange in ways that make familiar things exotic. At the same time, it had a peculiar and disquieting sense of spirituality that was impossible to dismiss. Holy Land has changed since then, falling into a state of elegant disrepair that only heightens its incongruity. Photographing it is much like embarking on an archeological dig in a place I’ve watched gradually slip away.”

Bush’s evolving collection of these photographs was featured in a solo exhibit at the Mattatuck Museum in Waterbury, and in the book Ruins of a Holy Land: Photographs by Joy Bush. Writing about it in Art New England, Stephen Kobasa said “To the particular melancholy of an abandoned amusement park she has brought the grieving clarity of a war photographer. Her work identifies these manufactured relics as examples of a sentimental history like those 18th-century English garden monuments built to look as if they had crumbled in place….What Bush identifies so well is the way in which the surviving wreckage of the place makes sense; she captures an unconscious intention that all this might well have been meant for a ruin, its power magnified by slow vanishing.” There will be approximately 30 images from Bush’s collection on view at City Gallery, with loose 8x10 prints for sale.

Bush’s photography work was featured in Unbeatable Women at the Lyman Allyn Art Museum (2022), and HOME VIEWS at the Griffin Museum of Photography in Massachusetts. (2021). Her photographs have appeared in The Village Voice, The New York Times, Connecticut Review, and many other publications. She has exhibited in solo and group exhibits, nationally and internationally, including shows at the International Center for Photography (NYC), Mattatuck Museum, Lyman Allyn Art Museum, Copley Society (Boston, MA), Drawing Rooms (NJ), Garrison Art Center (NY), Umbrella Arts (NYC), the Westport Arts Center, and Artspace (New Haven, CT). Bush is represented in the permanent collections of the Mattatuck Museum (Waterbury, CT), Cincinnati Art Museum, Monetfiore Hospital (Bronx, NY), the Baseball Hall of Fame, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Yale Medical Group Art Place, and many private collections. She is a member of City Gallery, and lives and works in the Greater New Haven area.

RUINS OF A HOLY LAND is free and open to the public. It will be on exhibit at City Gallery from April 5 - April 28, with an Artist Reception Saturday, April 13, 2 p.m. to 5 p.m. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m., or by appointment. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

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Photo Credit: Malcolm Lightbody

What’s interesting to me is that when presented with the same set of circumstances, some people will feel envious whereas others will feel inspired.

For example, when some people hear that I’m in a loving, healthy romantic relationship that started when I was 55 and he was 60, they envy me. Others are inspired by me, especially if they know it’s my first healthy relationship ever.

Another example is in the recovery community when someone has a decade of long-term recovery. Some people envy them, and others are inspired by them.

This intrigues me, and I’ve set out to figure out what the difference is between seeing things like late-in-life healthy romance and long-term recovery as something to be envied vs. something to be inspired by.

I think the main difference is that those who are inspired believe it’s possible for them. Those who are envious do not believe it’s possible for them.

The envy-ers (I just made that word up!) believe there’s something so uniquely special about them that they cannot have what others have. That’s so sad.

So what’s that about?

A huge part of recovery is learning to change our perspectives. There's a lot of thought work involved in recovery because we have beliefs and thoughts about ourselves, other people, the world, and God that are just not true. Recovery (and coaching, btw!) help us unearth those beliefs, challenge them, and change them.

We change them when we realize they’re either not true or they’re just not serving us. That is, you believe that what’s possible for the person you envy is just not possible for you.

This is why perspective is so important. It’s so important that it permeates the way we do science. The reason we have double-blind scientific studies is that the perspective of the scientist affects the results of the experiments.

There’s also a theory by Thomas Kuhn that it’s almost always people who are new to a scientific field who come up with major discoveries. That’s because the people who've been in the field for a long time dismiss the evidence as not relevant or impossible. After all, they've been so immersed in the thinking of the field for so long. That means they can’t see what they can’t see. They’re unable to see things that are patently evident to people who are new to the field.

In other words, the more seasoned scientists have been believing things for so long that facts don’t matter to them.

That’s what was going on with me when I got into recovery. I believed things about myself and the world that were just not true. I have no doubt that there are things you believe that are just not true. The trick is to discover those things. So if you’re envious of something positive someone else has that you don’t, perhaps it's because, deep down, you don’t believe you can have it.

There's a saying by Henry Ford, and it's this:

“Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right.”

What that means is if you think you can't do something, you're not even going to try to do that thing. So you’re right, you can’t.

But if you think you can do something, then nobody can stop you. You’ll just keep trying different things until you accomplish what you set out to. And you’ll be right – you can do the thing.

This idea that we need to change our perspective is super important because we can't move forward toward the life we desire if we are not open to the idea that our perspective might be wrong.

If we keep thinking, “I can’t have what she has,” you’ll make yourself right by not taking any action to change things (like your beliefs, which guide your behaviors, which lead to your results, which confirm your beliefs). But if you’re open to the possibility that you COULD have what she has, then the possibilities are endless!

We have to be open-minded to the idea that there is something that we don't know, there’s something we haven't tried or some belief we have that’s holding us back.

When we envy someone instead of being inspired by them, the belief is likely that we think we can’t have what they have. It’s not possible for us. Whether it has to do with recovery or finally finding a deep, meaningful relationship, this is a false belief. It’s just not true.

Let's take a look at my particular situation. Until I got into recovery, I had a decades-long string of dysfunctional relationships behind me. Recovery helped me look at that and see that I had 28 different relationships. These included brief dating relationships all the way to people I lived with for years, one of whom I was engaged to. Yet it wasn't until my 29th relationship at the age of 55 that I finally got into a healthy fulfilling relationship.

Yet there are people who envy me because of my relationship as if they can’t have what I have. That belief cannot be based on the idea that there's something special about me if you look at the facts. We typically say, “The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior,” so by that logic, the chances of me ever being in a healthy relationship are practically nil. Yet here I am, in a 5+ year loving, healthy relationship.

I’ve demonstrated very clearly that before recovery, I did not know how to have a healthy relationship. For decades!

The fact that I’m in one now shows that change is possible. And that includes changing your mind about what is possible.

There was much recovery that enabled me to change my deeply entrenched patterns of behavior so I could attract and maintain a healthy relationship. Building healthy boundaries has the biggest effect since boundaries permeate every area of your life (including what you think!). One of the things that attracted me most to my sweetheart was his healthy boundaries. He knows who he is, what’s okay with him, and what’s not. It’s a lot easier to be in a relationship with someone like that!

I guess what I’m saying here is that if I’ve changed, you can too. But it starts with believing it’s possible.

Now let's take a look at the people who hear about my relationship and see it as an inspiration, especially if they’re significantly younger than me. They may take the wisdom I share and think, “OK, I can do this. If I make the changes Barb suggests, then I too might be able to have a healthy romantic relationship.”

It is possible for you, dear reader.

Whether you think you can or you can’t, you're right!

For more blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Photo Credit: Getty Images

So many of us try to step in and prevent or buffer those we love from experiencing the negative effects of their negative behaviors. If you do this once in a while, that’s fine. But if it’s a pattern, it’s unhealthy. Not only does it make it much more difficult for you, but it prevents the other person from reaping the actual effects of their own negative behavior. They are highly unlikely to change their negative patterns if you keep jumping in and blocking them from the negative effects of their negative patterns. You’re blocking them from the natural consequences of their behavior.

Natural consequences are the inevitable result of a person's actions. That person created the result because of the actions they took. Natural consequences can be positive or negative. Most of us only leap in to prevent the negative ones though. Here are a couple of examples of both positive and negative natural consequences.

Positive: study for the exam, get a better grade

Negative: do not study for the exam, get a lower grade

Positive: arrive on time to work daily, get a good evaluation

Negative: arrive late for work regularly, get a poor evaluation

It’s often the loved ones of addicts who step in to prevent the addict from reaping the natural consequences of their negative behavior. If someone gets drunk and can’t get out of bed in the morning, their loved one might call their work to say they’re sick and clean up the mess they made the night before. The natural consequences of not getting out of bed or cleaning up after oneself would be that they get in trouble at work (or possibly fired) and they have to clean up their own mess. Those are their consequences, not yours. When we don’t allow them to feel the negative effects of their negative behavior, it’s less likely that they’ll change.

This behavior doesn’t just relate to addiction though. If a child waits until the last possible moment to work on a school project, a parent might leap in to rescue them by staying up all night helping them. The natural consequence of waiting until the last minute is that the child either doesn’t finish their project in time or does a really poor job. Those are the child’s consequences, not the parent’s. If the child knows their parent will always rescue them at the last minute, they have no impetus to work on their projects earlier.

Allowing natural consequences to occur does not mean we shame people for their negative behavior. It does mean letting them feel the discomfort of their own choices. Shaming people is never good. It’s not only cruel, it’s ineffective. Shame is one of the most difficult emotions for humans, so when you shame someone, they’re more likely to be defensive about their choice. It’s hard to learn when you’re feeling defensive and shameful. We want people to learn from the consequences of their behavior, and we’re not “ripe” for learning when defensive and shameful. 

When you don’t intervene between the negative behavior and the (natural) negative consequence, you help the person make the connection between their behavior, choices, and consequences. When no one intervenes, they reap the natural consequences of their own behavior. This gives them the opportunity to take control of their own lives. Just because you give somebody an opportunity, it doesn't mean they're going to take it! But if you never give them an opportunity, they won’t learn from their own mistakes.

It could be that they’ll blame you or someone else rather than take control over their life. But they’re definitely NOT going to take control when they’re living on an easy street without consequences for their behavior.

When you step out of the situation, you’re establishing healthy boundaries for yourself and you step out of enabling behavior. Enabling someone’s behavior is when we fix, solve, or make the consequences of their behavior go away. We enable them to continue in their dysfunction by making their lives easier for them because they don’t have to deal with any of the wreckage they’re creating. It takes away the teaching power of life experience. There's no downside to the person’s negative behavior when we enable them.

When we don’t enable people, their negative consequences are felt. These could be failing grades, missed social events, cold suppers, or puke-stained clothes. These can be powerful motivators for change.

When you buffer or protect people, you soften the outcomes or filter the results of their actions. You become the problem in their mind because they don't see or feel the results of their behavior. They see you nagging, bargaining, complaining, etc. They come to see your rescuing and fixing behaviors as something you owe them, not something you’ve gifted them. So YOU and your complaining become the negative consequences, and they think you’re the problem.

When they don't face consequences, there's no reason to change – and - you don't get peace. When you enable people, your interference can lead to the behavior you’re trying to reduce. So ask yourself if you’re supporting healthy or unhealthy behavior.

Natural consequences are doubly powerful when combined with positive reinforcement. Positive reinforcement means things like praise for something well done. When we use both positive reinforcement and allow natural consequences, the person sees the connection between their behavior and the result. In other words, they get that they have an impact on their life and the world and that they matter. They learn from their mistakes.

For more blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Early Head Start Director

We Love What Makes You Unique

Your perspective fuels our mission-driven work at United Way of Greater New Haven. We are committed to building a team that is inclusive across race, gender, age, religion, identity, and lived experience. As an organization, we are committed to addressing systemic racism and injustice in our community, our partnerships, and our practices. 

Who We Are Looking For

Are you committed to supporting infants and toddlers, their families, and the programs that serve them? Do you have deep knowledge of Early Head Start and/or Head Start requirements, and want to help community partners successfully incorporate Early Head Start services and systems into their early care and education programs? Do you have leadership and relationship-building skills and experience with connecting programs and services so they work more effectively?  Do you have a strong track record of working with the programmatic, financial, and data-related aspects of federal programs? If so, our Early Head Director position may be perfect for you.

What You Are Great At

• You are a strong Early Head Start/Head Start (EHS/HS) professional who has led a team. You are deeply familiar with the EHS/HS regulations and performance standards. You have experience supervising and supporting other staff to implement the various components of EHS/HS, and know how to monitor and support programs to ensure program quality.
• You are a detail-oriented planner who creates and thrives within systems. You relish creating and working to improve processes and systems and have experience in developing and running initiatives and programs related to early childhood. You know how to manage the details and logistics, while at the same time seeing how things connect to create a bigger whole.
• You are a strong communicator. You can convey your message clearly in writing and orally to a variety of audiences, including board members, partner staff, and parents.
• You’re a team player. The Early Head Director will report to the Vice President of Education and will work closely with other members of the Community Impact Team as well as external partners. While you are confident in your abilities and knowledge, you approach your work from a place of humility.

What You Will Do

• Ensure that Head Start Performance Standards are well‐known and supported and implemented across the program partners.
• Support and monitor EHS partners to ensure compliance with all Head Start and Early Head Start mandates, applicable laws, and regulations and assure that standards are being fully met.
• Conduct on-site visits to programs and plan and facilitate regular meetings with partners.
• Review documentation and data, including working within the program’s online database work closely with the VP of Education to staff the UWGNH EHS Board Committee.
• Supervise EHS staff and consultants.
• Manage all aspects of the EHS Policy Council, and Meet with the finance staff on a regular basis to review and revise the budget as necessary in addition to monitoring the budget as it relates to actual spending of Early Head Start funds.
• Work with local partners to expand services and supports available to EHS families
• Lead an annual self-assessment process for the program and develop annual plans for improvement; ensure that a community needs assessment is conducted as required.
• Recommend and implement changes as needed in program design, administration procedures, etc. as they affect program performance.
• Prepare and submit for approval necessary programmatic reports, forms, etc. as required by Federal, state, and local regulations.
• Establish and maintain partnerships with funding sources, other state and local agencies, organizations, groups, etc. as they relate to programmatic activities.
• Plan and coordinate shared governance training for Policy Council and Board of Directors as required.
• Plan, coordinate, develop, and implement annual refunding application.

What You Need

• Minimum of a Bachelor’s degree in early childhood development or other relevant field.
• Three to five years’ experience as a Head Start/Early Head Start Director of a small program, or significant senior management experience within a large Head Start/Early Head Start program.
• Substantive knowledge about the early childhood landscape in Connecticut and Early Head Start/Head Start.
• Strong written and oral communication skills.
• A successful track record in setting priorities, and keen analytical, organizational, and problem-solving skills which support and enable sound decision making.
• Excellent relationship building skills with an ability to prioritize, negotiate, and work with a variety of internal and external stakeholders.
• Experience working with government grants a plus.
• Experience in grant writing and managing budgets.
• Proficient with MS Office365 and demonstrated comfort in learning new software/ online tools as needed.
• Ability to work with diverse staff and volunteers.
• Personal qualities of integrity, credibility, and dedication to the mission of UWGNH. 
• Valid driver's license and reliable transportation required.

About United Way

United Way of Greater New Haven brings people and organizations together to create solutions to Greater New Haven’s most pressing challenges in the areas of Education, Health, and Financial Stability grounded in racial and social justice. We tackle issues that cannot be solved by any one group working alone. We operate according to these organizational values.

In accordance with organizational policies, this position requires a criminal background check as a condition of employment.

United Way staff are currently working hybrid, with at least two days per week in our office in New Haven.  This is a full-time position; the salary range for this position is $85,000 - $90,000.

United Way is an Equal Opportunity Employer.

Don’t check off every box in the requirements listed above? Please apply anyway! Studies have shown that marginalized communities - such as women, LGBTQ+ and people of color - are less likely to apply to jobs unless they meet every single qualification. United Way of Greater New Haven is dedicated to building an inclusive, diverse, equitable, and accessible workplace that fosters a sense of belonging – so if you’re excited about this role but your past experience doesn’t align perfectly with every qualification in the job description, we encourage you to still consider submitting an application. You may be just the right candidate for this role or another one of our openings!

To Apply: Careers | United Way of Greater New Haven (uwgnh.org)

dae is currently accepting applications for our 6-Week Tech Creators Program! This program is open and cost-free to 9-12th graders who attend New Haven Public Schools. In the program students get hands on experience working on Web Development, Video Game Design and Internet-of-Things. They come away with completed projects that can easily be shared with college admissions offices and potential employers.

Our first session just started but students are still welcome to join! It will run until April 11th. Our second session will run from April 23rd until May 30th. We meet Tuesday-Thursday from 3:00-6:30pm. We are conveniently located at 770 Chapel Street in downtown New Haven (two blocks from the Green and central bus hub).

Students can apply here: mydae.co/6week

Flyer for the program is here:

6-Week%20Flyer_v3.pdf

Photo Credit: Ephraim Mayrena

If you’ve been giving advice to somebody over and over and over again and they never take it, this essay is for you. We do this in an effort to fix, rescue, and protect other people.

I was once told when I did this that I was “being helpful to be controlling.” I was aghast! I thought, “I’m just trying to help!”

If you find yourself saying that, it’s a clue that you also might be being helpful to be controlling. That is, you want things to be done your way. You’re “helping” so that things will go your way.

Stop it!

Here's an example of what it looks like when I’m being helpful to be controlling. I was in a group of people who needed access to a building that shifted from having door codes to keys. I volunteered to be the liaison between the building owners and the group. It was brought to my attention by one of the group members that they didn't ask for my help with the building folks.

They said I was being helpful to be controlling.

At first, I was pissed that they said that, but as I thought about it, I realized that it was true. I wanted a few things to go my way: I wanted my group to appear organized to the building owners, and I wanted to make sure my group was doing things “the right way” (i.e., Barb’s way).

I wanted them to pick up all the keys at once because I was trying to save the building people the trouble of having to interface with all those different people from my group. Meanwhile, they never asked for that. It wasn’t my place to “protect” them from having to deal with all those different parties.

One way I try to keep an eye on this behavior is by asking myself “Was I helpful to be controlling today?” in my nightly inventory. It’s very difficult for me to control this behavior of mine, but keeping it on my inventory makes it more likely that I’ll spot it. 

I’ve had decades of acting like it’s my job to be the bumper on the car of someone’s life.

You don’t have to do that. You can put the energy you’ve been putting into fixing, rescuing, saving, and protecting others into your own life. Instead of focusing on what's going on in others’ lives, you can learn to keep the focus on yourself.

As the serenity prayer says, we need “the wisdom to know the difference between what we can and cannot change.” You can't change other people, but you can change yourself. If you’re too busy working on everybody else, you won’t have any energy to change yourself!

Ironically, that’s one of the reasons we do all fixing and rescuing - to keep the focus off ourselves! That way, we don’t have to look at our own problems. There are other reasons as well. We feel like we have to help others, it doesn’t feel like a choice. That’s called a compulsion. We’ve internalized the message good people help others. And that’s true, but they don't rescue and save other people. There’s a difference between being helpful and rescuing. A good indicator of being the difference is that when you’re being just plain helpful, the other person is meeting you halfway, and you're less invested in the outcome than they are. 

One way to determine if you’re being helpful vs. rescuing someone is to ask “What are my motives?” Why are you helping them?

One of the ways I was helpful to be controlling was by trying to control what others thought of me. I wanted them to like me, think good things about me, and think I was nice. But I now know it’s not up to me what others think of me.

We’ve been told that it’s selfish to take care of ourselves. B.S.! If you want to have a well-lived life, you must take care of yourself. Stop trying to pour from an empty cup. Pour from the overflow. And the only way to have overflow is if you fill your cup first. That’s not selfish, it’s selfless. Because you’ll no longer be seeking to get your needs met by the world when you’ve met them yourself. You won’t be trying to extract love and affirmation from others when you give it to yourself.

For more blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

OPEN POSITION 

VOLUNTEER ADMINISTRATOR

Full-time; Sunday - Thursday.  Open until filled. 

Downtown Evening Soup Kitchen (DESK) seeks a friendly, dedicated, and outgoing community organizer to oversee DESK’s 2,000+ volunteer corps, consisting of a range of individuals and groups from across Greater New Haven and beyond.  Appropriate candidates will be very social, highly organized, upbeat and energetic, extremely professional, and sensitive to the strains of homelessness and poverty; the successful candidate will also be versed in a variety of communication media (online, oral, witten) and will be very approachable, completely at ease working among a cross-section of New Haven’s community.  Preference given to local residents and those who are Spanish-proficient.

Mission & Background Information

DESK serves people experiencing homelessness or living in poverty by providing food assistance and services that promote health, community, and equity.  We are located in Downtown New Haven, just off the Green, where we serve a nightly dinner, offer whole food items through a weekly food pantry, and serve unhoused individuals through New Haven’s only low-barrier Downtown Drop-in & Resource Center.  As DESK continues to build a diverse and inclusive organization, we eagerly consider candidates with diverse work experiences and personal backgrounds.  Candidates are encouraged to use the cover letter to highlight how their background will contribute to a more equitable workplace.  For more information on our programs, history, and vision, visit us online at deskct.org.

Core Responsibilities

• Community Organizing  –  The Volunteer Administrator is, at heart, a community organizer, coordinating and scheduling the activities of DESK’s volunteers, including their onsite work and third-party support efforts.
• Outreach & Recruitment  – The Volunteer Administrator conducts outreach and recruitment efforts.
• Logistics Administration – The Volunteer Administrator uses our web-based volunteer management system to schedule volunteer activities, coordinate volunteers, register volunteers, track their hours, and communicate. 
• Onboarding  – The Volunteer Administrator orients volunteers ahead of their first shift and works with program staff to develop onboarding materials and engagement.
• Onsite Coordination  –  Although most onsite coordination is carried out by Program staff, the Volunteer Administrator ensures that they are effectively managed, treated courteously and appropriately, are working in a safe and healthy environment, and receive the proper level of supervision.
• Appreciation – The Volunteer Administrator works with the Development Director and other staff to carry out volunteer appreciation activities and events.
• Client Competency – The Volunteer Administrator works with Program staff to engender a greater sense of empathy and understanding toward the issues faced by those DESK serves on behalf of every volunteer.

Compensation

Starting hourly rate will be $19.57 - $22.32, based on experience, background, and start-date.  Health insurance, life insurance, and generous PTO.

How to Apply

Candidates should email a cover letter and résumé to hr@deskct.org with “Volunteer Administrator Application” in the subject line.  

DESK is an equal opportunity employer who affirms and values greatly the role of diversity in the workplace and strongly encourages applications from people of all backgrounds and lifestyles.

Climate change is harming people in the United States and around the world. While climate change harms people from all walks of life, those who have done the least to cause climate change often suffer the most, while those who have emitted the most carbon pollution often suffer the least. Climate change also exacerbates existing vulnerabilities, including those based on personal factors (such as age or existing health issues) and social factors (such as systemic racism and poverty). Moreover, investments in climate change solutions, such as flood protection or renewable energy, often tend to benefit people and communities who are already advantaged...

https://climatecommunication.yale.edu/publications/who-supports-climate-justice-in-the-u-s/

Activist Art by ARTivists is 'justice' work. It gives voice to the silenced, or marginalized, to better understand our collective humanity and the earth we share. Its public presence provides an opportunity for conversation and compassionate change. Few artists claim this space beyond the protest signs and posters. For them and their work, we offer our brave, safe creative space in Nelson's honor.

Nelson 'Carty' Ford Memorial Gallery, to be dedicated on April 30^th, is an integrated gallery in the gathering spaces and walkways of WPAA-TV and Community Media Center. Nelson served on the Board of Directors from 2015-17. Subsequently, he served as the arts ambassador. His fine art series 'Bricks in Search of Words' graced our space until his passing in Dec 2023, said Artistic Director Josiah Houston. He influenced the use of public art to solve problems. The organization’s journey into #MoreThanTV began as a #PowerfulWildFree4Arts Project a.k.a. tiger mural to resolve a blight problem on the north side of their renovated 1924 cow barn. The tiger now called Hercules was a literal stretch for Ryan Christenson #Arcy who is now an internationally renowned muralist.

Nelson supported the permanent installation of #StreetshotZ by photographer Charles Buzinsky. This remains the featured installation of photographs, a book, and a digital display which actively engages viewers to support programs for their housing and food insecure neighbors.

Flipped from the 1960s Civil Rights headlines "We Are Not Like You" series by Brother Iyaba Ibo Mandingo will provoke necessary discussion of our shared 'differently' history. It was acquired this month. Source materials will be part of the installation.

The sculpture 'Conversation' by Ann Lehman, ' Mission in Mosaic' by Gallery53 artists, Wally political cartoons by Kevin Markowski are in the collection. Musicians may appreciate the reflective take on Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going On” Album Cover on loan from photographer and music man Robert Sims.

More about Carty: A 1963 graduate of Paier Art School he held day jobs as a graphic designer and pursued fine arts and his interest in history. His fine art was exhibited from 1991 until his passing. He began his major work The Awakening in a scroll 2 ft. by more than 500 ft. It explored the evolution of One Race with many faces, colors, cultures, and nations.

Photo Credit: Bernd Dittrich

If you want what you want when you want it, you’re not likely to be able to delay gratification. This often happens when you have a sense of urgency. This was particularly true for me when it came to relationships. When you have that feeling of urgency, you typically ignore the consequences of plowing forward.

This is how we miss red flags.

I suppose “miss” red flags isn’t really accurate. It’s more like we ignore or plow over red flags. When I look back at my behavior before recovery, I think of myself as having ignored festivals of red flags, not just one or two! Now, I try to look for green flags. I wasn’t even aware that green flags existed before recovery.

Most of us think of red flags as pertaining to dating partners. But red flags can pop up in all sorts of circumstances. And even if we’ve been in recovery for a while, we can still miss them. When we do, we can look at that as info, not ammo (information to learn from, not ammunition to beat yourself up with). That is, be curious about why you ignored that red flag. When you do that, you’re less likely to do that again when you analyze what that was about.

Here's a non-relationship red flag situation I missed. When I found a camper van to rent for my 6-week solo road trip, I was so excited about it that I ignored the cosmetic problems inside and outside the van, as well as the environment where the van was stored. It turned out the lack of maintenance of the cosmetic things was an indicator of the lack of overall maintenance of the van. I ended up breaking down and getting repeated repairs, then, ditching the van for another vehicle in Arizona because I ignored these red flags. That sense of urgency and excitement caused me to hurry. 

Just because you want something right now, doesn’t mean we can or should get it.

Here’s another example. I know a woman who moved to live near like-minded individuals she’d connected with. The town was over an hour drive from where she worked, and she knew she’d have that long drive very early in the morning through a horrific traffic corridor. She’d also have to drive home during rush hour with very heavy traffic. She also knew that she was often drained at the end of each work day, but she chose to make the move anyway. She ignored the nagging thought of how many hours of driving she’d need to do each day after being drained from work.

What happened was that she was often so drained that she wasn’t up to connecting with her friends. She had so little time and needed to rest and recuperate. The whole reason she moved to that community didn’t come to fruition. She’d spent more time with them when she lived farther from them but closer to work.

After a couple of years of being completely drained by the drive and the heavy traffic, she moved to a place that was much closer to work. She realized that the original decision to move closer to her community was made with a sense of urgency because she wanted what she wanted when she wanted it. She realizes now that if she has a sense of urgency about a decision, then it’s even more important to slow down and be mindful of the decision.

So how can we learn to delay gratification?

I think the most important thing you can do is to slow down. If you have a sense of urgency about something, unless it’s an actual emergency, that should be a red flag that this is not how to make thoughtful, rational decisions. 

We can’t be proactive in our lives if we’re constantly on the move, doing things quickly with a sense of urgency all the time. When you pause and catch your breath, you’re basically telling your body, “I am safe” so it will come out of fight or flight mode. We’re unable to think clearly in that mode, and that’s as it should be – you’re not supposed to think, you’re supposed to fight or flee in that mode! That mode cuts off access to your frontal lobe where your rational thinking is done.

If we want to make proactive decisions about our lives, we need to be able to access the frontal lobe. That’s why slowing down is so helpful. Pausing to take time to think about things means we’re much more likely to use our rational brain than our feelings to make decisions.

Another way to change this pattern of acting on your wants is get clear on your values and use them to steer your life. When we live in alignment with our values, we’re much more likely to make reasoned decisions proactively. That means, it’s easier to delay gratification because we’re looking at the big picture of our lives when we’ve focused on our values.

For more blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, here are the top 12 relationships tips I learned from 12-step recovery. Seeing as I’m now in the first (and only) healthy relationship of my life after about 40 years of dating, you might want to take heed of these.

Don’t date for the first year you’re in a personal development program. The reason for this is that you’re going to be a completely different person after a year of any personal development program. If it’s going well, you’ll be a much healthier version of yourself in a year. That means you'll be attracted to healthier people, and healthier people are going to be attracted to you.

Be real. Don’t fake who you are, and act like you like things that you don't like. Being fake is dishonest, unsustainable and likely to fill you with resentment when you continually do things you don’t like.

When somebody tells you who they are believe them! For example, if somebody starts out by deceiving you, then believe that they're a deceiver. If you meet someone online who looks absolutely nothing like their online picture, they're telling you, “I’m not what I appear to be.” Stop giving the benefit of the doubt to strangers!

Take the relationship one day at a time. That is, take things slowly, bit by bit. There’s no rush. If you or your dating partner have a sense of urgency in dating and want things to move faster, that's probably not healthy. Set some boundaries for yourself around your initial interactions with them (e.g., maybe start with a 20 minute phone call, then maybe a 45 minute coffee date). 

That being said, one thing I think is wise to rush is meeting someone you’ve met online in person as soon as you’ve realized you might like to date them. It's wise to meet them sooner rather than later so you don’t build up unrealistic expectations of who you think they're going to be. And - chemistry can only be experienced in person.

Use the principle of “first things first.” That means what you value most should come first. If you’re in 12-step recovery, that needs to come first. If you’re a parent, your children should come first. Your dating and relationships should fit around your life. Living your life by what’s most important to you is what leads to a satisfying life. It also ensures that you’ll attract people who fit into your life. There are some values you don’t need to have in common, and some you do. Having children is a big one. If someone says they don’t want kids and you do, don’t date them.

Acceptance. That means accepting people the way they are. No matter how compatible two people are, there will always be some kind of irreconcilable differences in your relationships. These could be things like being an early riser vs. a later sleeper, or being messy vs. neat, being on time vs. being late. If you cannot accept that quality in the person, don’t date them thinking “I’ll get them to change.” In committed relationships, you’ll find a way to make things work if it’s really important to you, and you don’t make their qualities mean “they don’t love me” or “if they were committed they’d change that quality.”

H.A.L.T. – Don’t get to Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Don’t allow yourself to get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired, or you won’t be very pleasant to be around, and you may very well blame your mood on your partner. If you’re hungry, eat. If you’re angry, express it in an appropriate way and deal with the cause. If you’re lonely, reach out to connect to someone. If you’re tired, rest. Don’t expect someone else to meet those needs for you.

Keep coming back, it works if you work it. This popular saying from recovery can be applied to our relationships as well. “Keep coming back” means you're committed to the relationship - the small stuff and the big stuff, the easy stuff and the hard stuff. 

“It works if you work it” means that if you put work into the relationship, it will work. You don’t just find your soulmate and have it easy from then on because you’re “meant for each other.” It's definitely easier to be in relationship with someone you're compatible with, but it doesn't mean there's no work. Having open, clear, and direct communication is hard. In fact, teaching that is at the core of what I do as a boundaries coach. We just don’t get taught how to do that well, so learning how to do that well with your partner takes work.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If you’ve had the same argument or the same conversation repeatedly in your relationship, something's not working right. If you’re not doing anything to shift things so the conversation changes, that's the definition of insanity. What do you need to do differently? Most of us know it only takes one person to change a relationship. Unfortunately, what most of us believe is that one person is our partner, not us. Maybe you need outside help or some other shift in perspective, but something has to change. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

Progress not perfection. We can't expect perfection out of ourselves or anyone else, but we should expect progress. This is especially so in a committed relationship. If you’re not seeing progress in your dating relationship, then you probably shouldn't marry them. But you also shouldn't expect people to conform to your way of doing things. There are going to be certain things in your relationship that are deal breakers. It’s helpful to get clear on what those are before you date.

H.O.W. – Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness. I was told early in recovery, “This is H.O.W. it works.” You must have all three of these if recovery is going to work and if your relationships are going to work. If you’re not honest with your partner, then you're not really in the relationship with them. Be open-minded to the fact that there's something you don't know or something that you haven't tried, or there's you’re assuming about your partner that’s incorrect. So be open-minded that you don't know everything and you don't have all the answers. Willingness is imperative for a happy, healthy relationship. If you're willing to be in the relationship, and willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work - that’s called commitment. When you’re committed to someone, you’re willing to run through the muck with them and do whatever it takes to get to the other side of the muck. You’re committed whether things are easy for hard.

Understanding your part in things? This was my greatest gift of recovery - coming to understand my part in things. I learned this in Step 4 where I looked back at what I’d been doing that was creating chaos or exacerbating the chaos around me (especially in my relationships). If other people really are the problem in all your relationships, you’re screwed! So don’t assume things are always someone else’s fault. Look for what you could be doing differently. And remember, this is “info, not ammo.” It’s information to learn and grow from, not ammunition to beat yourself up. 

When you’re in a relationship, and there’s a recurring pattern, it behooves you to look for your part in things rather than automatically assuming it’s your partner.

For most blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Hello! We are the Community Investment team at Dwight Hall, Yale’s center for public service and social justice. We are part of a student group that manages Dwight Hall’s endowment, and each year we disburse unrestricted grants to support New Haven nonprofits.

This year, our group is looking to award two grants, of $3,800 each, to community organizations that are working to advance social justice in New Haven. If you are a small-to-medium size, registered nonprofit that would benefit from these unrestricted funds, please fill out the following form by Friday, March 22nd. 

Feel free to email me at ​​howard.dai@yale.edu or dwighthallsri@gmail.com if you have any questions! 

The New Haven City Plan Department is recruiting for Community Navigators, who will be helping to lead engagement for the Vision 2034 Comprehensive Plan. These are part-time, paid positions for New Haven residents. We are accepting applications through early February, and they can be accessed here:

English:  https://forms.gle/meJ61bHthYb2Vi8U8

Spanish: https://forms.gle/Z3hzHzaboDCZUdDPA

It is critical to the success of the plan that these engagement leaders be geographically, linguistically, and culturally representative of our city, with a variety of deep connections to communities within New Haven, particularly those often excluded by traditional methods of outreach. We are counting on community partners to help us identify residents who are passionate about their community, have strong interpersonal skills, and are really good listeners to apply for this position!

Thank you for helping get the word out to your constituents, and please do not hesitate to reach out to Assistant Director of Comprehensive Planning Esther Rose-Wilen (ERoseWilen@newhavenct.gov) or Director Laura Brown (LEBrown@newhavenct.gov) with questions or to connect us directly with interested residents. At the bottom of this post, there is a short blurb and flyer designed for circulation.

Other upcoming events and opportunities for participation will be up on our website soon: https://newhavenvision2034.com/

Paid Community Navigator position:

The City Plan Department is accepting applications to serve as a ‘Community Navigator’ engagement leader for Vision 2034, New Haven’s Comprehensive Plan.

This is a part-time, temporary position. Community Navigators will be involved in engagement across all plan topics, strategizing on how to reach populations often excluded by traditional outreach methods, acting as liaison to those groups/individuals, and trained to host and facilitate public input meetings using a facilitation toolkit. 

More information on the role and the application can be found here: https://forms.gle/meJ61bHthYb2Vi8U8

Puesto de navegador comunitario remunerado:

El Departamento de Planeación de la Ciudad está aceptando solicitudes para servir como un 'Navegador Comunitario' (líder de participación pública) para Visión 2034, el Plan Integral de New Haven.

Este es un puesto temporal a tiempo parcial. Los Navegadores Comunitarios apoyarán a la participación en todos los temas del plan, elaborarán estrategias sobre cómo llegar a las poblaciones a menudo excluidas por los métodos de extensión tradicionales, actuarán como enlace con esos grupos/individuos y estarán capacitados para organizar y facilitar reuniones de aportes públicos utilizando un conjunto de herramientas de facilitación.

Mas información sobre este papel, y la solicitud aquí: https://forms.gle/Z3hzHzaboDCZUdDPA

In 2014, I was a part of the CFGNH Neighborhood Leadership Program.  My project was to deliver workshops with parents seeking Restorative Parenting tools.  It was an amazing cohort of leaders from throughout New Haven who were vision holders, each in their own way working to make New Haven a great place to live.  Many of us, and our fellow cohorts, are still committed to this work today. 

In my current role at United Way, my job is to build a similar space specifically geared toward young parents and young people who care about being the change for their own children and communities.  Parent Leadership Training Institute (PLTI) is currently accepting applications from 18–24-year-olds who are looking for the support and tools they need to "be the change."  Our strategy is to invite the community to engage actively with the young people around them, meaning YOU.   Who do you think would benefit from learning about who they are as leaders, and how to be an active voice in our democracy on behalf of children? Go to our website, find our application, encourage your future leaders to apply! 

Part 5 of 5: Overcoming Unrealistic Expectations

Now that we're on my 5th essay about overcoming unrealistic expectations you might be thinking, “I’m starting to understand how to not have expectations ahead of time, but what if I'm still resentful because of an expectation I had in the past?” Good news! You can get rid of your expectations after the fact.

If you’re like me, it might be that you don’t even realize you had an expectation until that expectation doesn't get met. That is, you didn't even know that you had an expectation until you get upset and realize it after the fact. Maybe it was so subconscious that you weren’t even aware of it.

Here’s how I let go of my expectations after the fact: as soon as I realize I had an expectation, I “unhook” from that expectation (at least that’s what I call it). I retroactively let go of that expectation by looking at the situation and thinking to myself, “Oh, I had an expectation, and that’s why I’m upset.” Here are three examples.

When I said “I love you” to someone and they didn’t say it back, I got upset. When I looked at that, I realized I had an unconscious expectation of that person saying “I love you” back. 

The only way I realized I had that expectation is that I felt a little wounded when they didn't say it back to me. When I looked at it to examine what the wounding was about, I saw that it was about me having an expectation of them saying I love you back to me. That they should say “I love you” back to me.

Then I thought - why did I have that expectation? Did I tell that person I love them just so they’d say it back to me? Or did I say it as a genuine expression of how I was feeling in the moment? Honestly, I said it because that was a genuine expression of how I felt.

Now that I’m in recovery, I realize that the way to know people love me is through their actions, not just their words. Truth be told, I don’t say “I love you” to just anybody. I reserve those words for people that I know for certain I love. And I love them for who they are and how they make me feel, not because of what they may or may not say to me. 

As one friend in recovery says all the time, “Love takes effort” so it's not necessarily them telling me they love me that I feel loved. It’s from showing me that makes me feel loved, by doing kind, loving things for me (which may include saying I love you). I’d much rather have someone express their love to me genuinely because that’s what they’re feeling in the moment than have someone say “I love you” because they feel like they have to reciprocate.

Having expectations is very similar to making assumptions. Here’s another situation where I was able to unhook from my expectations after the fact. I made an assumption in a work situation. I assumed that simply because I was an employee of an organization that I’d automatically have access to some of the benefits the customers receive. When that didn't happen I was terribly upset. 

I had to do some thought work on it and realized I wanted special treatment. I assumed that just by being an employee of the organization, that meant I got the same benefits the customers get. 

That was not the case. I had an expectation of getting benefits that were not for me. When I acknowledged that, I was then able to unhook from my expectations, which removed my resentment. And let me tell you, I was pretty resentful about the situation! It was quite a relief to be able to let go of that resentment. I will say that it came back up a couple of times, but I was able to use my mature, adult brain to remind myself that my assumption had been wrong – I don’t get those benefits. I’m not a customer. 

Here’s another example that’s relatively benign. This is the kind of thing that used to send me reeling before recovery. I’m blessed that I’ve learned to accept so many things that used to really piss me off. 

There's a suburban-ish neighborhood here in New Haven with a stop light that I expect should work a certain way, and it doesn’t. Every time the light changes, there's a walk signal in between the lights changing. There are almost never any pedestrians at that intersection, mind you. And there are stop lights in downtown New Haven where there are pedestrians galore that don't have a pre-programmed pedestrian signal between light changes. 

Every time I got to that stop light with the walk signal, I’d get really annoyed. When I finally realized how much of my serenity it was taking, I did some thought work on it. I realized I had an unrealistic expectation that that light shouldn't be programmed that way. I can either continue to be resentful about that every single time I get to that light, or…I can let go of that expectation. 

I can also stop going through that intersection! Which I sometimes do, but it’s pretty inconvenient to do that. Now, when I get to that light and have to wait for the walk signal, I use it as an opportunity to make conscious contact with my Higher Power. I’ve let go of the expectation that there shouldn’t be a walk signal there. 

I hope these three examples for how to unhook from expectations after the fact will be enough for you to be able to start implementing this concept for yourself. If you weren’t able to lower your expectations ahead of time, hopefully you’ll be able to use this method and get rid of your expectations after the fact.

You're still going to have expectations from time to time, and maybe you won't even realize it until they're not met. But as soon as you realize “that was an expectation,” do the best you can to unhook from it to let go of your resentment so you can be happy, joyous and free.

For most blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news