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NOTE: This article is 2 years old, the current situation is even more urgent than in 2022.

Even before the pandemic and nationwide racial justice demonstrations gripped the nation in 2020, “climate philanthropy” was rapidly expanding and evolving, with large foundations and mega-donors pledging billions of additional dollars to address the climate crisis. With an estimated $125 trillion of climate investment needed by 2050 to decarbonize the world economy, this growing support is welcome, but still represents a relative drop in the bucket.

The scope and nature of the challenge the world faces calls for a fundamental re-think of the philanthropic sector’s approach to this burgeoning crisis. Responding to accelerating climate change should not simply be a stand-alone grantmaking priority, but a programmatic consideration that influences a wide range of funding decisions, from youth development to affordable housing to the arts, to name but three. The Center for Effective Philanthropy’s (CEP) recent research into the philanthropic and nonprofit sector’s climate-related views and actions underscores the need for a fresh approach...

https://cep.org/philanthropy-time-to-abandon-the-ivory-tower-of-climate-policy/ ;

Photo Credit: Patrick Tomasso

When I went through the process to stop gossiping, I realized a lot of things about myself. The realization that I gossiped was pretty astonishing, but there was so much more! Among other things, I realized…

• I was a much more negative person than I ever realized. I’m a life-long optimist, yet I did an enormous amount of complaining.
• I had a victim mentality. I believed that the world was acting ON me, rather than that I was acting on the world. This is despite always feeling like a powerful woman who has agency.
• I focused more on problems than solutions, despite having a “can do” attitude my whole life.
• I did a lot of things to make matters worse, like continually talking about negative things and therefore reliving them over and over.

That last point is what I want to share about in this essay. It’s what I call, “dragging the story with you.” I made up this phrase for myself because it helped me to see that, when I tell a negative story over and over again, it’s like a weight that I’m dragging around. The longer and farther I drag it, the more difficulty it creates in my life. 

Meanwhile, the thing I’m telling the story about happened just once. I cause myself to relive it again and again in the retelling of it, but it happened only once. 

I learned to stop “dragging the story with me” when I stopped gossiping because gossiping is just a variation of doing that. I used to talk negatively about my boss behind her back for many years. When I stopped doing that, I was absolutely astonished at how dramatically my resentment against her went down. It was a miracle!

That showed me that, though she had some problem behaviors, I magnified those problems 10-fold by repeatedly talking about them. Once I saw that, I began to think of it as “I'm the problem.” I don’t mean that in a self-deprecating way, I mean that in an empowering way. Let me explain:

If I’m the problem, then I get to be the solution. If other people are the problem, I’m screwed because I can’t do anything about them.

It’s not that my boss never did anything wrong. She was terribly unreliable in many ways. But my talking about it over and over again magnified the impact of that. For one, I relived the difficulty repeatedly, as did everyone who would listen to me. I even got others to join in with me. For another, my focus on problems meant I wasn’t seeking solutions, which meant the problems persisted.

But once I realized *I* was the problem, I set about seeking solutions. One of the main solutions was to stop dragging the story with me. Stop talking about the problem. When I continually talk about the problem, I’m acting like a victim who has no choices. 

As they say - where your attention goes, your energy follows. So when I stopped focusing on problems, my attention stopped going there and started focusing on solutions. One of which was to stop dragging the story with me. It was impossible for me to miss the enormous impact of that when it came to gossiping about my boss. It then became pretty easy to see how I’d been dragging all kinds of stories with me, and that if I stopped my life would improve. And of course, it did!

Here's an example of something I used to do. Let’s say someone pulled out in front of me on the highway that morning and almost caused me to crash. In the past, I’d probably retell that story a few times that day, and maybe even the next. It was bad enough that I had that terrible experience once. But telling the story over and over again made me relive the terror. That is not necessary.

If you find yourself doing things like that, or maybe saying things like, “Can you believe what she did?” I encourage you to ask yourself what your motivation is in sharing those things. Are you reliving the story just to relive the story (and perhaps continue to feel like a victim)? Or are you trying to process the event, make sense of it, and get some kind of resolution?

If it’s the former, please know you have the choice to stop that. And you have the power to decrease the drama in your life. If it’s the latter, that’s healthy. Keep doing that. Make sure you have emotionally healthy people to do that kind of processing with. 

When you keep dragging stories with you like I did, you’re acting like solutions don’t exist. Which means you will never SEEK solutions.

If the same kind of situation were to happen with a boss now that I’m several years into recovery, I’d go directly to my boss and say, “This isn't really working for me. Let’s find a way  to compromise that works for both of us.” If we were unable to do that, I wouldn’t stick around for 17 years like I did with her. I somehow didn't see leaving as an option back then, I didn’t see myself as having a choice. I acted as if the ONLY option I had was to stay and bitch.

When I stop sharing stories of difficulty over and over, I get to live in the present moment. The only way to have a well-lived life is to live in the present moment. That’s the only point in time when you can take action and make choices.

If you want to reduce the drama, chaos, dysfunction, and negativity in your life – stop dragging stories with you.

For more blog posts like this go to: FridayFragments.news

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Hamden, CT May 2024 – Interfaith Volunteer Care Givers of Greater New Haven (IVCG), a dedicated non-profit organization committed to serving seniors, many with visual impairments, is thrilled to announce the receipt of a generous $10,000 grant from the Albert Zunder Fund at The Community Foundation for Greater New Haven. This significant contribution will be instrumental in advancing our mission to continue providing and improving services that empower our senior community members with visual impairments.

The grant from The Community Foundation is directly supporting the expansion and enhancement of volunteer training, website navigation, accessible program and educational materials, and community awareness initiatives. This work is essential for fostering continued independence, enhancing quality of life, and improving opportunities for seniors to engage in the community.

The award resulted from The Community Foundation’s proactive effort to provide grants from donor funds at The Foundation that identify a preference for aiding people with vision impairments. The Albert Zunder Fund was established in 1951 by his sister, Fannie Fern Falk with a preference for aiding blind people.  

IVCG recognizes The Community Foundation for its commitment to making a meaningful difference in the lives of those with visual impairments. Their support not only reflects a shared vision of a more inclusive society but also propels us forward in our quest to remove barriers and unlock potential.

"We are profoundly grateful for The Community Foundation’s generosity and belief in our mission," said Daniel Camenga, Executive Director of IVCG. "This grant is a testament to the Foundation's dedication to creating impactful change, and it will significantly enhance our ability to serve our community more effectively. Together, we are making strides towards a future where seniors with visual impairments have equal opportunities to thrive."

For more information about the programs and services offered by Interfaith Volunteer Care Givers, or to learn how you can support our mission, please visit the newly updated website, offering accessible options, via CareNewHaven.org or contact us at (475) 257-6538.

About Interfaith Volunteer Care Givers

Interfaith Volunteer Care Givers is a non-profit organization dedicated to neighbors helping neighbors live lives of connection and care, with seniors at the heart. We share experiences, rides, food, and other services that cultivate connection, support wellness, and relieve loneliness and isolation.

About The Community Foundation for Greater New Haven

The Community Foundation for Greater New Haven’s mission is to inspire, support, inform, listen to, and collaborate with the people and organizations of Greater New Haven to build an ever more connected, inclusive, equitable, and philanthropic community. Founded in 1928, it is one of the oldest and largest community foundations in the country and the largest grant maker in Greater New Haven’s 20-town region. Generations of donors have built this community endowment by establishing permanent funds or making gifts to existing funds that distribute grants to support a broad variety of issues and organizations. These donors, past and present, make their gifts to ensure that programs and causes that matter most to them will be supported today and forever.

Contact:

Dan Camenga

Executive Director

Interfaith Volunteer Care Givers

1253 Whitney Avenue

Hamden, CT 06517

(475) 257-6538

Director@carenewhaven.org

www.CareNewHaven.org

Join us at an upcoming public workshop! We will be at Edgewood Magnet on June 4th.

All workshops will include activities for children, food, and an option to participate on Zoom if you are unable to attend in person. At this workshop, participants will have the opportunity to give feedback on the topical working groups for the plan. And stay tuned for a virtual workshop in late July!

Please help us get the word out to your friends, family, and neighbors!

https://newhavenvision2034.com/ ;

Están invitados a nuestros próximos talleres para Visión 2034, el Plan Integral de New Haven. Estaremos en la escuela de Edgewood Magnet el 4 de Junio.

Todos los talleres incluyeran actividades para niños, comida, y una opción de participar en Zoom si no puede venir en persona. En este taller los participantes tendrán la oportunidad de asesorar sobre los grupos temáticos para desarrollar el plan. Próximamente anunciaremos un taller virtual para finales de julio.

¡Por favor ayúdenos correr la voz a sus amigos, familia, y vecinos!

Photo Credit: Andrej Lisakov

Spoiler alert! People usually get offended when you set boundaries with them because they don't have healthy boundaries themselves!! That means if you're getting offended when other people set limits with you, you probably don't have healthy boundaries. ☹️

It could also be the case that they get offended because you’ve decided to no longer accommodate them and make their lives easier while making yours more difficult.

Here’s an example of someone getting offended by my boundary. 

In this particular case, I chose to explain my boundary, but I don’t always do that. You don’t have to do that either unless you CHOOSE to.

When we start to set boundaries with people we’ve never set them with before, some will get upset by it. That could be because it’s new behavior, and difficult when someone suddenly changes. But often people get upset when we set boundaries because they don't have healthy boundaries. 

When we set a boundary with someone we have a relationship with, we’re differentiating ourselves from them as opposed to being enmeshed with them. Now, you’re distinct from them, and they’re distinct from you. Your pattern of interaction is now distinct from what it used to be. That can sometimes be painful to us and others when we build new boundaries because it’s so unfamiliar. This is especially true if we’ve felt like we don’t know who we are, or at least we don’t know who we are in comparison to others.

When we don’t know where we end and others begin, and we start building boundaries to figure that out, it can be scary to be in the world in an unfamiliar way. This is especially true if you've always been enmeshed with others, so it can feel like you’re putting up a wall between you and the other person. Or that they’re being rude or bitchy when you set a boundary.

Those are fears I hear from clients regularly – they don’t want to be seen as cold and bitchy or to build walls between them and others. The truth is that boundaries bring us closer to others. That’s because we’re being honest and authentic about who we really are - what’s okay and not okay, what we want, like, need, and prefer.

There’s a caveat to that though – if someone is abusive to you or takes extreme advantage of you, your new boundaries might actually be walls. And that’s as it should be. If someone is abusive or violent, then you need a wall between you and them. But it’s infrequent when that happens.

You can be kind and loving and have boundaries. Kind-loving people have healthy boundaries. That makes them safe because we know who we’re getting - we know when they say no, they mean no, and when they say yes, they mean yes. 

Here’s a story about someone who got offended when I set a boundary. She’s a fellow in recovery and I’ve known her for years, but only peripherally. She texted me in the morning to ask if I had a minute to talk. I responded by saying I'm booked today and tomorrow, but I have some time on the weekend. She responded with a very long text message that essentially said, “Who the f*ck do you think you are that people have to make appointments with you for outreach calls?” She went on about how I don’t respond to voice messages but send emails and text messages. She said this because she’d previously wanted me to call her, and I responded via email.

I was absolutely flabbergasted when I got this message from her. Instead of reacting immediately from my state of shock, I paused, said a prayer, and responded “Do you want to talk on the weekend?’

She responded with a couple more very lengthy, accusatory messages and it was clear that she was taking it very personally that I wasn’t able to talk that day or the next. I called my sponsor about this because it felt like an attack, and it really revved up my nervous system and made me feel very defensive. 

As I talked to my sponsor about it, I realized that this was me setting boundaries with her and that she was unable to respect them. For one, I have boundaries around phone calling vs. emailing and texting. And guess what? I get to communicate with people in whatever way I want. They don’t get to dictate how (or when) I communicate with them.

For another, I had boundaries around my time that day and the next. But I also offered her an entire weekend during which we could talk. And BTW – she did not take me up on that offer!

I happen to know that she's very enmeshed with her family and has an extremely difficult time setting boundaries with them. The way I experienced this situation was as if her reaction was something like this:

How dare you have boundaries Barb, when I’m not allowed to or not able to!

In consultation with my sponsor, I decided to send her an email. I didn’t have to do that, I chose to. It took a couple of days to construct the email so that I was sure to be cooled down. I also ran it by my sponsor before sending it since she was not emotionally involved in the situation and could look at it objectively. She asked if I was certain I wanted to do this and I said yes.

My email went something like this: I'm so sorry that my lack of availability to talk to you felt like a rejection. It was not. I’m very protective of my time because I used to give my time away to others all the time, and I don't do that anymore. I had a very busy schedule that day and the next, so I didn’t have time for phone calls. The day you texted me was my anniversary with my sweetheart, so I wanted to spend every spare minute with him.

In response to her comments about me responding via text or email but not by phone, I told her I’m sometimes able to shoot off a text or an email while I'm in the middle of something else. For me, phone calls are reserved for pre-scheduled times because that's what works for me and my schedule.

Again, I didn’t have to explain any of this to her. But I had compassion for her because I knew she was in distress and wanted to connect. Now that I have healthy boundaries, I don’t make other people’s emergencies into my emergencies. I live my life the way I want to live it, not by how others want me to live it.

I didn't hear anything back from her for quite some time. Weeks later, I sent a message to a bunch of people in recovery (blind copied!) about an event that was happening and I included her. I decided to include her because I'd always included her in such things, and I had no ill will toward her. She wrote back, “Thank you” so I took the opportunity to respond,  “I'm glad to see you respond to my message.” She responded, “I haven't responded to your other email because I'm still processing, so I let it go.

Some months later, she wrote back that she understood now. The more I thought about this incident, the more I could see that her reaction - which was way out of proportion to the situation - was because I set a boundary, and she couldn't handle it.

If you recognize yourself in her and this situation, and you get really offended when people set boundaries, it's an indication that you don't have healthy boundaries. If you recognize yourself in me in this situation, remember that you get to have whatever boundaries you want. You get to decide how you want to live your life. 

Many people don't manage their time the way I do, and that’s fine for them. I’m not living their lives, and they’re not living mine. Some of you are probably thinking right now that I’m a bitch for not taking phone calls at any time. Many people leave their ringer on and take phone calls at any time, or decide not to pick it up when it rings if they’re busy. 

That just doesn't work for me because I find myself getting resentful of people for calling me and texting me, so I turn off the ringer on my phone. That way, I get to decide when I’m going to look at my phone and when I’m going to interact with others. Then I don't get resentful of people.

If you’ve been afraid to start setting boundaries because you don't want to put up walls with others or be mean or rude, I'm guessing it's because that’s how you’ve experienced it when other people have set boundaries with you. That’s an indicator that you don't have healthy boundaries. If that’s you, this page has all kinds of free resources on boundaries. I also have tons of free resources on boundaries on my Instagram feed, including almost daily reels with actual scenarios from my life and the lives of my clients.

It’s not mean or rude to set limits with others so you can live your life the way you want. It’s healthy. You get to direct your life, and I get to direct mine. The way you direct your life will definitely be different than how I direct mine. And that’s as it should be. So if you’re taking offense to others’ boundaries, it could be because you have poor boundaries yourself.

For more blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Photo Credit: Ava Sol

I’ve always thought of myself as a very positive and optimistic person. When I got into recovery, I realized that I had a lot of negative thinking. Sometimes, it was ruminating about the past, but more often it was catastrophizing about the future. I call that “living in the wreckage of the future.”

To this day, one of the most difficult tasks in my life is to stop living in the wreckage of the future. Here’s what living in the wreckage of the future looks like for me: 

I decide something bad is going to happen or has happened. Then I think of all the repercussions of that bad thing happening. For example, if someone didn’t show up for something, my mind will assume they died and were perhaps maimed in a horrible accident. Then I think of how awful life will be without them, how much I’ll miss them, how it will impact my life and the lives of others around them.

Or, maybe instead of thinking they died, I might slip into victim mentality and decide, “They don’t love me anymore and don’t have the heart to tell me, so they just blew me off instead of showing up.” And then, I’ll go into a pity party about how awful I feel, and start seeking reasons for why they don’t love me anymore (which of course I’ll find because I’m looking for it!). Both of these types of thinking lead me down the road of negativity and usually activate my nervous system.

My dramatic shift in thinking

This kind of thinking happens much, much less frequently than it used to, but it still happens. When it does happen now, I can see it much more quickly and turn it around. One thing I did to be able to reduce the number of times that type of thinking occurs and to turn it around when it does, is that I made a dramatic shift in my thinking. Instead of thinking, “Something happened to them” or “They don’t love me” I think “Something must have come up for them.”

For example, maybe they got stuck in traffic, and their phone died, or they overslept or misplaced their phone and couldn’t contact me. This is something that I've had to work on with my sweetheart frequently. He’s been known to misplace his phone for hours at a time, and I finally learned that I shouldn't catastrophize if he doesn't respond to me. When I’m in a good state of mind, I’m much more likely to think, “Something must have come up” than live in the wreckage of the future. This is yet another reason to take really good care of myself and live intentionally. When I do that, I’m more often in a good state of mind and less likely to catastrophize.

I have lots of evidence that my sweetheart really loves me, cares for me, is attentive to me, and I matter to him. However, my brain still wants to go into victim mentality where something is happening to me like he doesn’t love me anymore and is going to break up with me. Then I remember, “Ohh, that's right - something probably came up for him.”

When we make mindset shifts like this, we gain more control over our lives. Instead of being in victim mentality, we’re in creator mentality. The circumstances may be the same, but what we make those circumstances mean changes. We don't have to live in drama and chaos. We don't have to activate that inner drugstore of chemicals that throw our nervous system out of whack. 

Instead, when we think, “Something came up” it has a much lighter effect on us. We're able to stay in the present and go on with our day and have pleasant experiences. If we assume the best of intentions on everyone's part, and that something benign came up, we're so much more likely to have high quality life. If we assume bad things happened to them, or they’re not showing up or calling means something bad about us, then we’re likely to have a much less satisfying life. 

When we think that something must have happened or we’re to blame, our emotions are likely to go haywire. We go down the rabbit hole of negativity. But you can avoid that rabbit hole altogether by thinking, “Something must have come up.” 

I honestly didn’t know I was thinking so negatively, or that it was an option to just think something innocent like something came up. And I’ve always thought of myself as an optimist!! I can’t imagine what happens in the minds of those who are pessimists if this is what happens in the mind of an optimist!! You have the power to determine the quality of your life, and it starts with what you’re thinking. This is a perfect example of how important changing perspective is.  

There’s a quote that goes like this: 

“Water the flowers, not the weeds.”

Focus on the positive and not on the negative. What you “water” grows. What you put your attention on grows. If you pay attention to negative thoughts and negativity, you’ll experience more of that. If you pay attention to positive thoughts and positivity, you’ll experience more of that.

Living in the wreckage of the future did me no good. In the past, I didn’t understand I had a choice about my thoughts. Or that I didn’t have to believe my thoughts just because I think them. Now, I understand I actually do get to choose my thoughts. And now you do too.

For most blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

An Exhibition of Fiber Art by Jennifer Davies and Paintings by Liz Hawkes deNiord

Amicizia, meaning friendship in Italian, is the perfect word for an exhibit by friends Jennifer Davies and Liz Hawkes deNiord, whose long arc of friendship and art-making has spanned more than 50 years. AMICIZIA: THE LONG ARC, featuring Davies’ fiber art and deNiord’s paintings is their first show together, and will be on view at City Gallery from May 31 - June 30, with an Opening Reception on Sunday, June 2, 1-4 p.m. and an Artists’ Talk on Sunday, June 30, 2-3 p.m.

Jennifer Davies will be showing a collection of sewn collages made from handmade paper, as well as lace-like pieces of hand-sewn Kozo fiber. Known for her inquisitive exploration of paper making and its use in fiber art, Davies says that creating with paper is like “dancing with a partner as I follow the lead of the material through a series of steps.” She handmakes her own papers, creating sheets of paper and an intricate lace-like material which she prints and paints to add subtle colors.

“Although I would characterize my imagery as abstract, its genesis derives from patterns of nature, overlapping bark, bubbly foam on waves, or tidal lines left on the sand. I use collage and textile techniques, layering, and stitching to build up layers of paper that I have printed or dyed with indigo or kakishibu, both traditional Japanese dyes.”

With similar attention to technique, color, and layers, Liz Hawkes deNiord’s distinct ‘excavated’ paintings are heavily textured, thickly layered and scraped with palette knife to reveal dazzling pentimentos infused with saturated, iridescent light. Working mostly on large canvases, the vertical alignment of her colorful abstract paintings resonates as a physical presence. As she explains, “The paintings evolve through layers, through rotation of the canvas, and through a suspended trust in the outcome to 'pay attention' consciously and unconsciously.”

deNiord is a painter as well as a ceramicist, and occasionally, a printmaker. Liz and her poet husband Chard deNiord live in the woods of Vermont where she paints and in warm weather also works with clay (treating glazing as three-dimensional painting). She received degrees in art education and art history from Southern Connecticut State College. She has had parallel careers as an artist, producing ceramics, paintings, and prints, along with teaching at public, private, and college levels as a learning specialist for 15 years and an art educator for 23. Liz shows her work regionally and nationally, as well as on occasional book covers.

Davies graduated from RISD and the Rome Honors Program. Trained as a painter, she has pivoted to fiber, making paper by hand. Group shows include the Fuller Craft Museum, Flinn Gallery, and Fiberart International. Solo shows were at City Gallery and the Museum of Papermaking. She is a member of North American Hand Papermakers and Surface Design Association. In 2012 she was awarded a Connecticut Artist Fellowship Grant. Her work appears in several Fiber Arts books, such as L’art du fil by Marie Madeleine Masse, and Wall Art, a Schiffer publication. In recent years, she has completed commissions for hotels, cruise ships, and residences.

Davis and deNiord have always wanted to exhibit their work together, and are thrilled to present AMICIZIA: THE LONG ARC at City Gallery in June. The exhibit is free and open to the public and runs May 31 - June 30, with an Opening Reception on Sunday, June 2, 1 p.m. - 4 p.m. The artists will be in the gallery on Sunday, June 30 for an Artists’ Talk. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m., or by appointment. City Gallery follows New Haven City’s mask mandate policy. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

Photo Credit: Priscilla Du Preez and Sage Friedman

For some reason, most of the people I work with are super concerned about not being selfish. People (especially women) act like being selfish is one of the worst sins you can commit. Even being perceived as selfish is so distressing that they’ll go to just about any lengths to not be perceived as selfish - even if it’s detrimental to their well-being.

Since one of my mantras is “keep the focus on yourself” this thing about selfishness comes up a lot. I’ve been asked a few times what the difference is between that and thinking “It’s all about me.” They may sound similar, but they’re not. 

Keeping the focus on yourself is imperative if you want to live a life with the intention that you enjoy. When you learn to keep the focus on yourself, you're much more likely to be an energized, vital contributing citizen, and things are less likely to be “all about you.” Here’s what I mean. 

When you keep the focus on yourself, you’re focused on what you’re doing or could be doing, what you want and need. That means, you’re less likely to be focused on what others are doing or not doing, what they need, and trying to provide that for them. As the serenity prayer encourages us to do, we want to change the things we can (us) and accept what we can’t change (others). 

Keeping the focus on yourself is about being proactive in your life and not reactive to life. Another way to say that is that it’s about coming out of victim mentality. When we have victim mentality, we don’t perceive choices. We feel like life is happening to us rather than that we’re creating our lives. You will not and cannot take control of your life if you think life is happening to you. You cannot take control of your life unless you keep the focus on yourself. 

I was astonished about how much control I was able to have over my life as a result of my recovery, especially when I built healthy boundaries. I started to live much more intentionally, though I didn’t know I wasn’t living intentionally before that! 

When we live more intentionally, we mind our own business and take responsibility for ourselves and our well-being. That means we’re much more likely to live well, contribute to society, and be good citizens. Wouldn’t it be nice if our communities were made up of more people who live well, contribute to society, and act like good citizens?? 

You can’t control whether others do that, but you can control whether you do that. 

When we keep the focus on ourselves and have an internal focus, we’re much better able to see that circumstances in our lives are just happening. They’re not happening to us. Let’s say someone else has done something mean or nasty. If you’re focused on yourself and living mindfully and purposefully, then you don’t take things others do so personally. You’re more interested in what you’re doing, thinking, and feeling and how you’ll respond to that. 

I like peace. That’s become more and more important to me over time. So, when someone does something that previously might have pissed me off, I’m not really interested in “going there.” I want to maintain my peace. I don’t want to give my peace and serenity away to them (especially if they’re a stranger!). 

For example, when I see someone driving erratically, I remember that I used to drive like that. I know what that’s like. They’re typically “all about me” and not thinking of how their driving is upsetting others and potentially putting others in danger. So I bless them and let them go on their way without losing my shit. 

I’m focused on me, what I’m doing, who I’m being, what I’m thinking and feeling. I’m trying to maintain my peace and serenity. I’m not focused on them and what an asshole they are, which is what I used to do. 

When I used to get pissed off when things like that happened, I’d also relive that moment throughout the day feeling justified in my anger. That meant I experienced that difficulty repeatedly, instead of just one time. Now I can let it go because I’m focused on myself and the life I’m creating. I didn’t know it was an option to not be pissed off under such circumstances. In my family, someone pulling out in front of you equaled being pissed off. That’s just the way it was. 

If you’re always thinking, “It's all about me” you're a taker, looking to get what you can from others and society. You’re probably walking around thinking that people or society owe you something. You don't understand or care what’s happening to others. You don’t see that things are just happening in the world; they're not happening to you. 

You probably think that when somebody does something that pisses you off, they did that just to piss you off, or because they don't like you. You think that you’re the center of their universe rather than they’re the center of their universe. That makes you more likely to take things personally. That’s an external focus and the opposite of keeping the focus on yourself. 

The Serenity prayer reminds us to seek the courage to change the things we can (us and our internal world) and accept things we cannot change (others and the external world). You can’t change the internal world if you’re not focused on it. You can’t change the external world, period. 

If you want a life where you feel more in control and have more peace and serenity, consider keeping the focus on yourself. If you need help learning how to do that, you can listen to this podcast and/or read this article.

For more blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

The arts and sciences, the movement and stillness, the rhythm of breath and step: on Saturday afternoon, all came together in the performance space at St. Paul and St. James Episcopal Church on Olive Street for Creative Circle, a delightful dance and music performance that saw two dance companies — the New Haven-based kamrDANCE and the New York-based SYREN Modern Dance — engage each other as well as the audience in their latest works in progress...

https://www.newhavenindependent.org/article/creative_circle_asks_community_to_the_dance

New Haven Reads needs your help once again! We are losing a lot of our wonderful college students soon due to the end of their semester. Anyone interested in becoming a tutor should act fast! We have more than 80 students who are losing tutors this month.
Learn more here.

Helen Caraballo seemingly got a break a dozen years ago when she was convicted of a low-level felony in a drug conspiracy case: A judge gave her a suspended sentence, sparing her time in prison...

https://ctmirror.org/2023/12/18/ct-clean-slate-law/

Photo Credit: Getty Images

If you’ve ever felt like you keep trying to get to balance but are not able to get there because you keep getting thrown off, this essay is for you.

When we think about balance in our lives, we tend to think it means getting to a certain state or set of behaviors and staying there. In reality, life balance is more like physical balance on a balance beam or when balancing on one foot. There’s a tiny amount of swaying back and forth. We might be stationary for a moment, but it doesn’t last. We teeter.

THAT is what balance is. It's not a static point we stay at permanently.

When physically balancing on one leg, as we sway very slightly back and forth, we strengthen the muscles up and down our leg. It’s that movement that causes your muscles to get flexed and strengthened. The flexibility and strength are how we get better balance - by continually doing these little teeny tiny back-and-forth motions. 

For life balance, it’s the same. We do a little bit of adjusting here and there. The fact that we’re noticing and making adjustments is what tells you whether you’re on track for a balanced life or not. By continually noticing and making adjustments, you “strengthen the muscles” of your life by being alert to what’s working and what’s not. If you’re not even paying attention, then you can’t possibly have a balanced life. 

If you’re trying to have a healthy work-life balance, that doesn’t mean it will look exactly the same every week. Let’s say your weekly goals are:

·       Work 35 hours

·       Go to the gym five times

·       Eat 21 healthy meals 

·       Do four social activities 

·       Read for pleasure for two hours

It’s great to have those as goals, but goals are what we strive for. We don’t necessarily hit the mark on all our goals. I feel comfortable saying we don’t hit most of our goals. But we keep setting goals so we know where we’re headed.

In reality, things come up from time to time. There will be weeks when you have a project at work, so you have to work more hours and you take some time away from your family. Or maybe you volunteer and there’s a big event coming up, so you take time off of work or you skip going to the gym a couple times that week. That doesn’t mean your life is unbalanced. It makes more sense to look at a month (or maybe even a quarter) rather than a week when deciding if you’re living a life of balance because things come up. 

Even when we live our lives ON PURPOSE, things come up. I’d say things come up especially when you live your life on purpose. That’s because you’ll be experiencing all the richness of life. The more you get involved in things you value, the more things will come your way that you want to participate in. 

Some weeks will follow a pretty similar schedule, and some weeks won’t. Looking at a longer interval of time like a month might be better during times when you have special projects or events that are outside the norm.

A balanced life when you’re in special circumstances might be:

• an average of 38 hours/week at work
• averaging 4x/week of exercise over the month
• 80% of your meals are healthy that month
• an average of five hours of social activity weekly that month
• an average of two hours of pleasure reading weekly that month

Having a balanced life requires some sanity, and that means stepping out of black-and-white thinking about what constitutes a balanced life. There's going to be a little give and take here and there.

If your life is completely OUT of balance in one or more areas, start fiddling with those areas one at a time. Fiddle a little bit here and a bit there and work toward something that feels sustainable and pleasurable. 

When I started learning to balance on one leg I fell over a lot. I bet most people do. What you do to catch yourself is you put your other foot down for just a moment to get back to balance. Then you pick that leg back up again and do that as often as you need to. You’re still strengthening the muscles of the standing leg even when you keep having to put the other foot down momentarily. 

There are some days when my balance on one leg is better than other days, yet I do this pose almost daily. I'm way better than I used to be, but there are still days when I have to keep putting my foot down so I don’t fall over. That’s just the way it is.

I’ve found the same to be true of life balance. I actually have life balance now which was never the case before recovery. Don’t get me wrong, it’s always a work in progress. The thing I find myself most needing to work on is leisure time. The last few weeks of going through the “pit of doom” I experienced helped me get much better at that though. Sometimes something difficult happens that gives us a wake-up call and gets us into more balance.

Some of the things I’ve been doing for a while now to ensure more leisure time are no longer coaching clients on weekends, scheduling weekly “sacrosanct Barb time” on Monday nights, and scheduling monthly craft dates with friends. 

Recovery helped me to achieve balance in my life, especially learning how to have healthy boundaries so I could show up for myself instead of just showing up for others all the time. The most important thing that helps me to maintain balance is my nightly inventory.* Even if you’re not willing to take a daily inventory, doing some kind of regular check-in with yourself will help you maintain life balance.

Stop thinking that life balance is a static point that you’ll achieve and stay there. Real balance requires constant motion and a little bit of adjusting here and there. When you get to the point where you’re relatively satisfied with your life balance, make sure you do some kind of regular check-in with yourself to determine whether you need to make some adjustments.

*If you’d like a copy of the worksheet I created for my clients, “Doing a Nightly Inventory,” please email me, and I’ll send you a copy (barb@higherpowercc.com).

For more blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Join us at an upcoming public workshop! We will be at Lincoln Bassett on May 13th and Edgewood Magnet on June 4th.

All workshops will include activities for children, food, and an option to participate on Zoom if you are unable to attend in person.

Please help us get the word out to your friends, family, and neighbors! 

https://newhavenvision2034.com/ ;

Están invitados a nuestros próximos talleres para Visión 2034, el Plan Integral de New Haven. Estaremos en la escuela de Lincoln Bassett el 13 de Mayo y en la escuela de Edgewood Magnet el 4 de Junio.

Todos los talleres incluyeran actividades para niños, comida, y una opción de participar en Zoom si no puede venir en persona. 

¡Por favor ayúdenos correr la voz a sus amigos, familia, y vecinos! 

Photo Credit: Uday Mittal

One of the insights I gained early in my recovery journey was that I'd been expecting people to read my mind my whole life—well, at least subconsciously. If you had asked me, "Are you expecting people to read your mind?" I probably would have said no.

As I talked with others on my recovery journey with me, we realized that was true for all of us. And the reason we wanted people to read our minds was because we thought that’s how it works! Again, this was all subconscious.

We realized we’d all been trying to read others’ minds our entire lives, so why weren't they reading our minds??? Let’s forget the fact that we were wrong about being able to read other people’s minds!!! That didn't seem to matter.

In trying to understand all this, it helps to think about the four primary rules under which dysfunctional families operate:

• Don't talk
• Don't trust
• Don't feel
• Don't remember 

In the case of believing we could and should read other people’s minds, the rule we were sticking by is the don't talk rule. That means a few things:

• Don't ask questions when you don't understand something. I internalized that as meaning that I had to have an answer for everything and saying, “I don’t know”, was not an option.
• Don't talk about certain kinds of things, typically important things like spirituality, feelings, finances, or how to take care of yourself.
• Pretend certain things didn’t happen and don’t ask questions when the adults say one thing and do another. 
• Don’t ask questions when you’re confused, don’t know what’s going on around you, or don’t understand what people are talking about. Just accept confusion as part of life.

I had a lack of clarity about a lot of things in my life but didn’t realize that until I got into recovery, when and I got clarity about a lot of things. 

• I got clarity about my own identity and what was okay with me and not okay with me. 
• I got clarity about the fact that I’d been confused much of my life and that these dysfunctional family rules had been operating in and running my entire life. 
• I got clarity about the fact that I’d been trying to read people’s minds and that I was expecting others to read my mind.

This influenced all my relationships, especially romantic relationships. It meant I’d do things to try to get people to read my mind. Like pouting, giving one-word answers, or being rude. Then I’d want my partner, and sometimes friends, to know what was going on with me,

When they’d ask me if I was ok I’d say, “I'm fine”, when I was clearly not fine, they’d say, “Are you sure?” I’d say, “Yeah, I'm fine” but I didn't mean it. I believe I did that because I was exceedingly uncomfortable with them asking me directly about what was wrong. I wanted them to somehow intuit what was wrong with me. 

Don’t get me wrong - there were times when they got to the root of things with me. It's not like I never resolved anything in a relationship. But this was a pattern of mine where I wanted people to read my mind because I thought, “This is how it works.”

I wasn't used to open and direct communication with others. In fact, I was aghast when I saw and heard others coming out and stating clearly what they wanted and needed and what their preferences were. It seemed like they were being rude.

My relationship with my sweetheart is the only healthy romantic relationship I’ve ever had. When we first started dating he said something about “You seem interested in me” and I replied, “Yes I am, you have me curious!” I was 55 and I had never come out and said to a man, “I'm interested in you.” It just wasn’t an option. 

And I’d never had a man to come out and say, “I'm interested in you.” That was not my experience. We just didn't talk about such things, and that includes men I met on dating sites where it was really clear we were there to date. I’ve learned from others in recovery that I was not alone in all this.

If you recognize yourself in what I'm saying here and realize you've been trying to read other people’s minds (and holding them accountable for being able to read your mind) that is not how it works!

If you’re ever going to have a high-quality relationship with people, you’ll have to learn how to communicate directly and clearly with people. You’ll need to come right out and tell them what you want, need, like, prefer, think, and feel. And you’ll need to come right out and ask them what they want need think, and feel. This is one of the most important skills I teach my boundary-coaching clients. People with poor boundaries are notorious for murky communication, like beating around the bush, implying things, expecting that people “should” know things, and expecting mind-reading.

The ability to communicate directly takes lots of practice. Occasionally, it’s still hard for me, but most of the time it's pretty easy now because I know the cost of not communicating directly. I want healthy relationships where we’re real with each other, and that can only come from clear and direct communication.

If you need help learning how to clearly and directly communicate with others, you’re a great candidate for my private coaching program. I have an entire module on developing empowered communication, and that skill is something we work on during the entire program.

For more blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

In his new body of work, artist Michael Zack considers the CONVERGENCE of form, figures, and color. The exhibit will be on view from May 3 - May 26, with an Opening Reception on Sunday, May 5, 2 p.m. - 4 p.m. The artist will also be in the gallery on Friday, May 10 and Sunday, May 26 to answer questions and meet with visitors.

Zack’s trademark images are shorn of distinguishing facial features and clothing detail, so that they become anyone and everyone — uniquely individual and somewhat mysterious. He selects figures because of the gestural qualities and their ability to relate to each other and the space in which they are placed. The interrelationships of the figures and the movement within the panoramas are supported by the vibrant, subtle and nuanced range of colors within the prints. 

“They are frequently, but not always based on people I know and have had the opportunity to observe as they go about their daily lives,” he explains. “Some of the images are from photos of family members and friends taken many years ago. Consequently, the memories and feelings they evoke are unique and personal to me.” But taken out of the context, the figures have been rearranged into a panorama that has a narrative all its own, one that invites the viewer to interpret in his or her own way.

Zack received his art education at The Brooklyn Museum Art School, The Silvermine School of Art and Creative Arts Workshop. His work has been shown at City Gallery in New Haven, The Silvermine Guild Arts Center in New Canaan,  where he is a member, The New Haven Paint and Clay Club, the Community Gallery of the Brooklyn Museum, the Attleboro Museum in Attleboro, MA, the Paul Mellon Arts Center, Wallingford, CT, the Fitchburg Art Museum, Fitchburg, MA, The Bruce Kershner Gallery at the Fairfield Library and the Katonah Museum among others.

CONVERGENCE is free and open to the public and runs May 3 - May 26, with an Opening Reception on Sunday, May 5, 2 p.m. - 4 p.m. The artist will be in the gallery on Friday, May 10 and Sunday, May 2. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m., or by appointment. City Gallery follows New Haven City’s mask mandate policy. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

You are invited to the first public workshop for Vision 2034, New Haven’s Comprehensive Plan, on Thursday, April 25th from 5:30-7:30 at High School in the Community (175 Water Street)! 

Please help us get the word out to your friends, family, and neighbors! This workshop will include plan updates and visioning and will help inform the development of our topical working groups.

 https://newhavenvision2034.com/ 

Estan invitados al primer taller de Vision 2034, el Plan Integral de New Haven, el Jueves 25 de Abril de 5:30pm a 7:30pm en High School in the Community (175 Water Street).

¡Por favor ayúdenos correr la voz a sus amigos, familia, y vecinos! Este taller se incluyera actualizaciones sobre el plan, una sesión de visión, y ayudara a informar el desarrollo de nuestros grupos de trabajo temáticos.

There are two kinds of “uncomfortable.” The first might come up if you grew up in a chaotic and dysfunctional family like I did. That means you learned to put up with difficulty and discomfort. It could have been emotional, psychological, or physical discomfort. When our lives are like that, we come to accept that life is difficult and uncomfortable.

Then there’s a different kind of uncomfortable that has to do with changing your behavior and stretching yourself to go outside of your comfort zone. It’s uncomfortable to do that because it’s new. Using the metaphor of the well-worn groove from above – we have to leap out of our well-worn groove and carve a new one. That’s definitely not comfortable, and it's not easy. At least at first, it’s not.

Whether you stay with your old pattern or try on new behaviors discomfort persists. The thing about the old patterns is that that kind of discomfort is perpetual. In fact, it’s likely to get worse and create more chaos and drama in our lives. But when we form new patterns of behavior and have discomfort with that, that discomfort will eventually end. We’ll eventually become comfortable with the new behavior if we persist. Even better, there’s healing on the other side of that!

Our tolerance for discomfort in our lives may come from growing up in situations that were dysfunctional, chaotic, and potentially traumatic. So we learned to put up with being uncomfortable much of the time. We normalize discomfort. We come to think that’s just how life is. If we don’t know any difference, then we might have a high tolerance for dysfunction. 

We don't have to do that anymore. We get to decide for ourselves as grown adults what we prefer, and then we get to seek those things out. I know it's not quite as easy as deciding “This is what I prefer” and then seeking that out. Many of us don't know what we prefer if we’ve been people-pleasing or enmeshed with others and going by what they prefer. 

The process of determining what you prefer takes a while. For me personally, the way I determined what I liked and didn’t like was in the boundary-building process. I made educated guesses about what I thought I’d like and then set boundaries following that. Sometimes I was right, and sometimes I was wrong. But it was feedback. I figured out what was comfortable for me and what was uncomfortable for me. When something was comfortable, I kept doing it. When it was uncomfortable, I adjusted. Understanding the distinction between the two types of discomfort was really important in that process.

For example, one thing that really helped me to get good at boundaries was being in recovery for compulsive overeating and having a food plan. In the beginning, I’d say, “I don’t eat sugar” in situations where there was food being served. Inevitably, people would ask me all kinds of questions. I realized that made me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t want to go into detail about my food and eating. Then I started saying, “I don’t eat sweets” and there were more questions. Eventually, I landed on, “I have food issues”, and I found that people didn’t ask any questions. That felt comfortable.

I also used to offer explanations when I refused food, and there were more questions that made me uncomfortable. I finally landed on, “No thanks” with no explanation. If they pushed more, I’d just repeat myself, “No thanks.” That felt comfortable. It’s polite, and I don’t owe anyone an explanation about my food intake.

The second kind of uncomfortable comes along when we start to form new patterns of behavior. Like setting boundaries around my food and my discussions about my food. It was definitely uncomfortable at first. But my recovery was more important to me than putting up with some temporary discomfort. Knowing that my sanity and health are at stake if I compromise my food boundaries makes me care much less about offending others. They don’t have to live in my body, I do.

Here’s the key distinction between these two types of discomfort: on the other side the discomfort of the new behavior pattern is freedom and healing. If you allow yourself to go through the discomfort of learning to set boundaries, you’ll experience freedom like you’ve never had before.

We experience mental, emotional, and physical relief as we allow ourselves to be our true selves when we set boundaries and tell people the truth about what’s okay and not okay. 

When you're thinking about whether things make you uncomfortable or not, ask yourself this question:

Is this the bad kind of uncomfortable or the good kind of uncomfortable?

In other words, is this the discomfort of a long-standing dysfunctional pattern that will only get worse over time? Or is this the discomfort of trying something new that will become comfortable and lead to freedom?

You might also ask yourself this: What would happen if you persisted with this kind of discomfort?

If you continue to people-please and give in to what others want, or continue to focus more on others’ approval than your own, your resentment and exhaustion are likely to continue. But if you persist with the good kind of discomfort that comes with changed behavior, the long-term result is that change happens, you become comfortable with the new pattern, and you get the rewards of the new healthy behavior. 

What kind of life are you going to have if you continue with whichever form of discomfort you’re experiencing? Will it be to your detriment or your personal development?

You can choose to get outside your comfort zone with the kind of discomfort that is going to make you grow. You can choose to stop putting up with the kind of discomfort that prolongs your discomfort and leads to more chaos and drama

For more blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Photo Credit: Valeriia Miller

Emotional pain sucks. Sometimes, it's worse than physical pain. I’ve got some ways for you to reduce the amount and frequency of your emotional pain. I’ll share those at the end after sharing the ways I prolonged and increased my emotional pain before I got into recovery.

Here’s some evidence of the emotional pain I’ve been through. I’ve had several episodes of depression that were so debilitating that I could barely get out of bed. It’s hard to believe I kept my job. I'd go days without showering or brushing my teeth. I’d wear clothes I knew were dirty because I just didn’t give a shit. I just couldn’t give a shit.

There’s only one house plant that has survived all of my bouts of depression. I've killed at least a couple of different rounds of house plants in my life because I just couldn’t be bothered keeping something else alive. I was having a hard enough time keeping myself alive. I was never suicidal, but I did understand why others would when I was that depressed.

I've also had the regular emotional pain that people who aren't depressed experience, like heartbreak, lost friendships, and catastrophizing about the future. The emotional pain I endured when my 35-year-old brother Pat died in 2006 was by far the worst emotional pain of my life. So I get it.

What I know now is that there were things I was doing that made my pain worse and prolonged it. I was not taught how to deal with my emotions at all, never mind how to manage emotional pain. Until I got into recovery, that is. 

Here’s how to prolong and increase your pain.

Here are some of the things I did in the past that either prolonged or increased my pain. 

1). I wallowed in the pain by repeatedly thinking thoughts that gave me pain. For example, “I’ll never find love.” This kind of thought prolongs the fight-or-flight cycle in the brain and body. I didn't realize it was an option to not do that. I didn’t know it was a choice I was making to replay those thoughts. It may not feel like you’re choosing your thoughts, but you are. This is good news because that means you can choose to change them!

2). I’d also replay painful incidents in my head. If somebody said something really hurtful to me, I’d replay that episode in my head over and over. I was acting as if I replayed it enough times, I’d somehow have a different outcome. Instead, it increased my pain and reinforced for me what an asshole they were. That reinforced my belief that they were the source of my problems rather than that my thinking was the source of my problems. When you go through something difficult, you’re only meant to go through it once. Not repeatedly.

3). Another strategy I used to use when I was in emotional pain was beating myself up for being in pain. On some level, I must have believed this would get me to ‘tow the line’ or that I could punish myself into better behavior. But I was fooling myself. You may think you’re aiming at the goal of “better” with negative self-talk, but what you’re actually doing is aiming for the goal of “worse.”

Want some evidence? The quality of your life right now! If you’re constantly dwelling on how shitty you feel or are, and your life isn’t getting any better, you’re hitting the goal you’re aiming at (even if it’s subconscious). This is making things worse. That’s because we hit what we aim at.

What’s going on in your head is of the utmost importance. If you’re telling yourself the same terrible things all day long, day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year it has an enormous impact.

4). Something else I did was isolate myself and not express my pain to others. I held onto my difficult feelings, often trying to push them down. I may have expressed them when I was alone, but I wouldn’t do that until they were completely bottled up. Then I would cry and cry and cry. I’ve learned that expressing my feelings in the presence of a safe person does something magical– it eases the pain. 

The first time I learned this was with grief. It was almost as if hugging the person when I was crying with grief sucked the grief out of me. I’ve heard it said that happy relationships multiply joys and divide sorrows and this is a perfect example of that. Being witnessed by a caring person when we're in pain is so powerful. I think it’s because we’re wired for connection. As they say, “We’re obsessive and compulsive in isolation but we heal in community.” If isolating could help us reduce our emotional pain it would have by now!

I couldn’t see that these things I was doing were wounding me repeatedly. All this kept me in victim mentality, which is such an insidious way of thinking that is so deeply entrenched it’s hard to spot. In this case, victim mentality means believing that the source of my problems was outside myself. Coming out of victim mentality is – by far – the most important mindset shift I got from recovery. And I continue to come out of it to this day. In fact, I have at least five podcast episodes about coming out of victim mentality!

You do not have to wallow in your feelings, replay difficult situations, beat yourself, or isolate yourself. You only experienced that terrible situation once, so stop replaying it. When I learned that it was a choice to stop wallowing, replaying incidents, etc. and I could lessen my pain it radically impacted my life!

Those old patterns were soooo familiar. They were so familiar they were almost comfortable. And I mean comfortable like a well-worn groove, but not comforting. If that distinction between comfortable and comforting is something you’d like to explore more, you can listen to my episode about that here. 

I was kind of comfortable with pain, to be honest with you. It was like an old friend who I just kept around because they’d always been there, not because I really wanted them to stick around. 

Here’s how to reduce your emotional pain.

Understanding how our brains work is really helpful when you’re trying to manage your emotions and create a better life. Keep in mind I’m a layperson, so this is my wording and understanding, I’m not a neuroscientist. 

When we get stressed out, which includes being in emotional pain, we become unable to access our frontal lobe. This is our “thinking brain.” That’s why when you’re stressed, it feels like you can’t think clearly. That’s because you can’t. You’re in fight-or-flight mode and you’re supposed to fight or flee, not think. This is a mechanism of safety for our body so the energy you need to fight or flee can be available, which it wouldn’t be if it were directed to the frontal lobe.

The way this knowledge helps is that we understand the importance of making as many decisions as possible using the frontal lobe. That’s because these will be more reasoned and rational decisions. They’re not as likely to be clouded decisions. For me, that means making as many decisions ahead of time as possible (p.s., this is what boundaries are – we make decisions ahead of time about what our standards for our life are and we uphold them – no matter what’s going on).

You’re much better off if you make decisions ahead of time than when you’re in fight-or-flight mode when you can’t think. If you've already made a decision ahead of time, you don't have to think. Just have to act on that prior decision made by your frontal lobe or “human brain” as opposed to your lizard brain.

This allows you to be an actor rather than a reactor in your life. Making some decisions ahead of time reduces emotional pain. Here’s what that might look like:

When you’re well, think about three things you can do to take care of yourself when you’re really upset. This might be pausing to take three deep breaths, going to the bathroom to remove yourself from the situation, or feeling your feet planted firmly on the ground. Write those three things down and make sure at least one of them can be done immediately.

For me, the quick thing is always a positive statement. I have an affirmations note on my phone so I can just open that up and look at those. I also have a few photos on my phone saved as favorites that make me feel connected to my Higher Power so I can look at those.

Another thing we can do easily is engage our senses (e.g., name five things in the room that you can see; listen for the most distant sound you can hear). This is helpful because engaging our senses brings us into the present moment. 

Personally, I like affirmations because it's my mind that causes all the distress so that’s where I need to intervene. But sometimes my body acts like there’s an emergency inside so I want to calm it down by breathing and/or getting present.

You could also connect with your Higher Power or say a prayer. If there’s anything I’ve just named that appeals to you, please take a moment right now to write it down. That way you’ll have them to refer to when you’re upset so you won’t have to think about what to do because you just decided ahead of time. 

Perhaps have a list of 2-4 people on your note that you can reach out to when you’re in pain. That way you don’t have to think, “Who can I call?” and you’re less likely to talk yourself out of calling them if you’ve made the decision ahead of time.

Reducing emotional pain isn’t about never being in pain again. It’s about being there for ourselves when we’re in pain. Doing things to soothe ourselves instead of making it worse. If we take care of ourselves consistently, it will reduce our pain. Being consistent is the opposite of being chaotic which is what wallowing in pain and replaying negative scenarios create – chaos.

I know it’s not that easy to just stop a thinking pattern you’ve done your whole life. So be sure to get your new thoughts and soothing behaviors written down and make sure to carry them around with you (perhaps on your phone). When the shitty thoughts and feelings come up, look at that note and think those thoughts or do those behaviors.

This works for a couple of reasons. One is that we’re making use of our frontal lobe when we come up with the thought ahead of time. Two, we can’t access that frontal lobe when we’re upset. When you refer to the thought or behavior you wrote down, you’re sort of “jumping out of” your lizard brain which breaks the pattern you’ve been using for years. 

When you replace your shitty thoughts and behaviors with good ones, it’s a good idea to keep saying the new thoughts and doing the new behaviors until you can get away from the subject altogether. Instead of thinking something like, “I’ll never find love” think something like “I’ll find love someday” or “I am lovable right now.” You don't have to believe that new thought in the beginning, just say it anyway. 

Instead of walling in or holding onto your difficult emotions and isolating yourself, reach out to someone you love and tell them you need to get some things off your chest. To reduce our emotional pain, we need to clean up what's going on in our minds, say good and positive things to ourselves, and connect with the present moment and those who love us. We need to treat ourselves well and take good care of ourselves. You don’t need to prolong or deepen your pain. I wish I’d been taught that decades ago, it would have saved me enormous amounts of pain.

For more blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

One of the most important things that 12-step recovery taught me was acceptance: how to accept things I previously considered unacceptable.

I didn’t really understand just how important the lack of acceptance was in my life. I was filled with resentments and wanted many things to be different than they were: traffic, my boss, politics, the educational system, the cap of my toothpaste tube.

I’d heard a bunch of things about acceptance before:

     “Emotional pain often comes from non-acceptance.”

     “Acceptance decreases suffering.”

     “Acceptance is a choice; it means we stop fighting against what IS.”

But my question was – how do you do it?! HOW do I learn to accept things that I see as unacceptable!?

Here’s my story to illustrate how I got to the point where I’m (mostly) accepting of things that used to feel unacceptable. It started with my first epiphany in recovery which happened while I was in a traffic jam. I’d just pumped the brakes for the third time while crawling along and this thought popped into my head, “I need to leave more space between cars…”

I was like, “Wait! Whoa! *I* need to leave more space between cars! It’s not that there’s traffic that’s the problem here, it’s me! I’m the problem!” This may not sound like good news to you, but it was good news to me because, if I’m the problem, then I can be the solution!

I wasn’t sure how I could be the solution just yet, but what came to mind was a common saying from recovery, “Acceptance is the answer to my problem today.”

I didn’t really know what that saying meant, but I’d been in recovery long enough to listen to the wisdom of recovery because I’d already learned so, so much that I never got in all the therapy and self-help stuff I did. What I did was repeat that phrase over and over again, “Acceptance is the answer to my problem today….” What happened was miraculous! I became calm.

The situation hadn’t changed, but my reaction to it was completely different. I very quickly had a cascade of understanding about how my thinking that there should not be traffic was the problem. Highways were built for traffic, yet I somehow thought there shouldn’t be traffic there (at least not while I was driving!).

This helped me see that it was my thinking the source of most of my problems. It’s thinking that things shouldn’t be the way they are that’s the problem. Recognizing that I wasn’t accepting things as they were was the biggest step in learning acceptance. You can’t fix something if you don’t see it as a problem.

Being in a situation that had been extremely frustrating just moments before and becoming calm in that very same situation changed everything. It was news to me that I could be in the same situation and not be activated!

I previously thought it was the situation that was the problem, but it turned out it was ME that was the problem. Or rather, it was my thinking about the situation that was the problem. I saw that I’d been trying to fight against reality, against what is. So I started telling myself, “This is what’s happening, this is what’s happening, this is what’s happening…” as a way to sort of “insert” myself into the facts of a situation (e.g., there’s traffic on the highway during rush hour). 

What’s interesting is that I was the kind of person who didn’t believe I had any “shoulds” in my thinking. When I heard things like, “Don’t should on yourself” I didn’t think it applied to me. Yet here I was thinking that traffic, politics, the educational system, etc., should be different than they were.

There’s a piece of 12-step literature about how saying something over and over can clear up a channel choked up with fear, anger, frustration, or misunderstanding. I think that’s why repeating “Acceptance is the answer to my problem” and “This is what’s happening” really worked for me in getting me to acceptance.

Acceptance means focusing our thinking on what is happening, being in the present moment, and facing “this is what’s happening.” As they say, “You cannot solve a problem by condemning it,” and I’d been condemning these “problems” thinking they were at fault when the problem was my thinking.

Acceptance doesn’t mean I have to like it. 

I don’t have to like that there’s traffic, and I don’t have to like the way the manufacturers of the toothpaste cap created it. But I also don’t have to fight against what is. I get to stop resisting and stop avoiding and be really present.

I can focus on the world around me or fix myself and deal with “Life on Life’s Terms.” If I resist the situation, I can’t do anything about it. But if I accept it, I can be at peace and present.

There have been many areas (besides traffic!) where acceptance has made a huge difference. One is emotional acceptance. I’ve come to accept that “this is how I’m feeling.” Emotions tend to build on each other, so accepting them rather than resisting them lessens the impact of the difficult emotions. For example, if you feel worried, but then you get angry that you’re worried your difficulty gets multiplied (worry x anger = something much shittier than either of those). But if you feel worried and accept that you’re worried, then you only have the original feeling without adding additional emotion to it. Just feel the worry and let it pass. Emotions are energy, and they will morph and change – this too shall pass

The most important kind of acceptance for me has been self-acceptance. You can’t change something by condemning it. I’m never going to beat myself up into being a sane, rational, functional, mature person. So when I do something I don’t particularly like, I accept that I did that thing instead of fighting it. I try to come to the situation with curiosity instead of condemnation. This allows me to face reality and work toward the kind of life I want – one of peace and serenity.

For more blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Do you know a creative high school student?  The Milton Fisher Scholarship for Innovation and Creativity awards students who have found distinctive solutions to problems faced by their family, school, community, or the world, or who have solved an artistic, scientific, or technical problem in a new or unusual way. 

This is a four-year scholarship of up to $20,000 (up to $5,000 per year for four years).  It is open to high school seniors and college freshmen in Connecticut and the New York Metropolitan area, as well as students from outside the region attending or planning to attend college in Connecticut or the New York City area.  More information and the online application can be found at https://mfscholarship.org/. ; Interested applicants must complete the online application on or before May 15, 2024. 

For more information, please contact mfscholarship@cfgnh.org.