Photo Credit: Anete Lusina

Telling the truth can be really scary sometimes, especially if you’ve been dishonest for much of your life. Given my history of addiction, compulsion, obsession, mental health problems, and growing up in a dysfunctional family, it makes total sense why telling the truth was so scary for me. Withholding information was a tool I used to control, manipulate, and feel safe for most of my life.

But I didn't really even know that was going on. I thought I was an honest person when I got into recovery at age 52. NOPE! Not true! This is what’s called “denial” in recovery (D-E-N-I-A-L: Don’t Even Notice I’m A Liar). 

It was through the process of 12-step recovery that I came to see how dishonest I was. I outright lied about stuff sometimes, but my main form of dishonesty was withholding information. I call that “managing information.” I did it to construct the image I wanted people to have of me. That might have been that I wanted them to think I was nice or kind or helpful or smart or knowledgeable or generous, whatever.

I can now see the root cause of that was that I cared more what other people thought about me than what I thought of myself. That meant that I was willing to be dishonest to get what I wanted. That’s another way of saying I was willing to compromise my integrity for the “good opinion” of others. I was willing to throw my integrity out the window so you’d approve of me. I'm not willing to do that anymore. 

I’m going to recount a situation that happened a few years ago in the hopes that it will be instructive for you in seeing your own patterns, whether they’re patterns of dishonesty or something different. 

What I learned about telling the truth. 

In a moment I’ll share the actual truth of the matter at hand here. The truth of this situation is not anywhere near as important as me TELLING the truth about it (at least for me, in this instance). 

A few years ago, a situation arose in my business where I had a feeling of holding on to something like I was a pressure cooker. Tension was building and I didn't know what it was until it came out through journaling. Journaling revealed that the pressure resulted from my fear that people would find out the truth about something. As I started thinking about telling the truth, I realized I had much more fear of telling the truth than fear of people finding out what that truth actually was. 

The truth I’d been afraid to share was that the first time I tried to recruit participants for a group coaching program I was offering, no one signed up. The only person who got in did so for free because of a promotion I did. I felt really shitty about it. The idea that I shouldn't let other people know that nobody had signed seemed kind of crazy to me. except that it’s not, given my history of dishonesty. Withholding information was like a well-worn groove that was easy to slip into.

There’s so much about this that’s interesting. At first, I didn't even know I had fear. I could just feel the pressure in my body, and I had to do some journaling to get at it. The pressure was that I was trying to push down or cover up the truth. I wanted to keep other people from finding out that nobody had signed up for my group coaching program. 

All this information about the coaching program pales in comparison to what I learned about myself in terms of telling the truth. The idea of telling the truth made me feel like I was going to die. It was really painful, as was the realization that I really didn’t want to tell the truth.

This situation reminded of when I first got into recovery. I did the 12 steps with three other women and when we started doing the new behaviors, whether it was telling the truth, setting a boundary, or taking time for ourselves, we’d say to each other, “I did the thing and I didn't die!”

We joked about not dying! We felt like we really needed to keep saying, “…and I didn't die” because we honestly felt like we were going die when even thinking about engaging in our new behavior. Personally, I felt that it was psychologically important for me to reinforce for myself that I didn't die from doing the new thing. I needed to get that info into my subconscious mind so it would register: You Did The Thing And Didn’t Die.

If you're new to changing your behavior patterns, it can be scary. But guess what? You're not going to die! Even if it feels like it, you’re not going to die!

The reward of telling the truth is that you respect yourself. You've shown up for yourself in a way you may never have before. I think of it as becoming closer to God because of something my deceased brother Pat once said to me: “If you don’t want to know the truth, then you don’t want to know God, because God is truth.” So if you can't tell the truth, you can't get close to God

And so, dear reader, I challenge you: if there's something you've been withholding from someone, even if it's yourself you've been withholding it from, tell the truth. It will set you free and bring you into integrity with yourself. 

Back when I went through this whole situation, I started by telling the truth about my coaching program to my coach. I told her I’d be posting about it on social media. Then I told my sweetheart. Then I posted it. Then I told a sponsee who said, “I’m having a problem with fear” and asked how I deal with it. I told him that story and he was really grateful because it helped him to realize that he was trying to massage the truth in a situation where he was fearful and that the truth is the truth. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to be afraid of people finding it out. 

I later had an outreach call with someone new to recovery, and I shared the same story with her. She was moved by my story and got some healing from our conversation. Look what happened there: I told the truth and didn’t die. In fact, I reinforced my integrity (another word for wholeness) AND I was able to contribute to the healing of the people I shared the story.

How crazy is that?? I was afraid, and that fear led me to the truth, which led to my healing and the healing of others. So again, if you’re withholding something, tell it. Tell the truth. It will lead to your wholeness. I promise you.

Join our Boundaries by Design course and learn how to communicate your needs effectively.

Discover the power of setting boundaries to create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

by Jan Ellen Spiegel, CT Mirror September 27, 2024 

This newly rebuilt culvert in Southbury was just about complete when the August storm hit. Even though the road was not yet paved, the construction held and the bed for the road did not wash away. It was completed a few days later. Credit: Jan Ellen Spiegel

Photo Credit: Anna Shvets

Below are profiles of the different types of personalities I see in my work as a boundaries coach. I tend to work with professional women, so these are profiles of professional women. See if you can spot which one of these employees you are. Also, as you’re reading these, ask yourself, “Who would you rather work with?”

Approval-Seeking Andrea. Andrea is so focused on others and what they need that she says yes to things she really doesn’t want to do. Her yes’s are piling up, but that’s okay, she can handle it. She wants everyone to think highly of her, so she’d rather just deal with things on her own, even if it means she has to work late at night and on weekends. She usually puts other people’s work before hers because it’s important to her to be seen as a reliable and dependable team player. She’s exhausted most of the time so she drinks coffee and energy drinks all day long in an effort to refuel. She’s not really sure where she ends and others begin.

Ashamed Akasha. Akasha keeps doing things that she tells herself she’s never going to do again, like lying to people about dumb things just to make them think good things of her. She also sometimes cheats and steals little things because she doesn’t know how else to get what she wants. She’d die if anyone found out! She does all kinds of things to bend over backwards so people will do what she wants. Mostly she wants them to like her because she really doesn’t like herself.

Boundaried Bonita. Bonita is clear about what she’s willing to work on and not work on. She’s clear and kind about her limits with others and is generous with her time and energy as long as it fits into her schedule. She’s not afraid to share her opinion with others and only offers assistance to others when they ask for it. People trust her because they know she’ll tell them the truth if something is not okay with her. She leaves work on time about 90% of the time and seems to have a happy and rich life outside of work.

Chameleon Carmela. Carmela is a very agreeable person and is willing to go with the crowd. She doesn’t really have any preferences, she wants you to be happy. That’s what’s most important for her. Depending on who she’s dated, she’s been a fan of race car driving, wrestling, golf, the circus, and museums. She’d love to go to a Latin dance night but none of her lovers have ever wanted to do that so she just doesn’t go. As long as they’re happy, that’s all that matters.

Codependent Corie. Corie finds herself taking on everyone else’s problems to the point where she seems more concerned about their problems than they are! She’s definitely putting more effort into their problems than they are. She drops whatever she’s doing if someone needs her, which means she’s often late with work assignments. She’s really invested in being a “good person” and cares deeply what other people think of her. When she looks at other people’s lives, she doesn’t get why she doesn’t have what they seem to have. 

Enmeshed Emily. Emily’s family is really close. Everyone knows what everyone else is doing and makes sure to tell them when they’re out of line. They’re not great at feelings though. Whenever Emily starts to share things that are difficult for her she feels dismissed. When she wanted to try something new last summer, her entire family talked her out of it. What was she thinking? They’re right, I could never do that. The last few people she dated were nice enough, but she found herself doing most of the work in the relationship and they just weren’t as committed as she was. And they didn’t want to spend the time with her family that she likes to spend with them. She guesses that’s okay because she’s not really sure how to be close with others outside her family anyway.

Indirect Iris. Iris has a really hard time coming right out and saying exactly what she means and thinks about things. She finds it almost impossible to be honest when asked her opinion about things. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Meanwhile, she sometimes feels like her feelings are eating her up inside. She often finds herself over-explaining things. She’s non-committal when people bring up current events because she doesn’t want to make waves. She avoids conflict like the plague and often feels taken advantage of. The idea of standing up for herself is way too scary.

Over-Giving Octavia. Octavia is on four different advisory boards on top of being a mom, wife, manager, and caregiver for her elderly parents. Everyone counts on her, so what can she do? She has no choice but to say yes. She started a side hustle a few years ago, but it’s actually costing her money to run it because she keeps giving discounts to people because they need it more than she does. She’s kind of exhausted most of the time, but what is she going to do? This is the price you pay when you’re such a giving person.

Overwhelmed Ophelia. Ophelia often finds herself overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and shame. It seems like her guilt and shame are much bigger than other people’s, and they don’t seem to have those feelings as much as she does. Because of this, she says yes to everything and has way too much on her plate. Because she says yes all the time, people keep coming to her to ask for help. Sometimes they don’t even ask, they just dump things on her plate and she can’t handle confrontation so she just does it and stews with resentment. Inside, she doesn’t believe her needs are as important as others.

People-Pleasing Pamela. Pamela is overly concerned with what others think of her, so she frequently says things are okay with her when they’re really not. She’s really invested in people thinking she’s “nice,” so she goes out of her way to do things for others like bringing in home baked goods to work almost weekly. She bakes cakes for people when it’s their birthday, even if they’re not her close friends at work. She’s been taught that to be self-sacrificing is noble and being selfish is just about the worst thing ever. She’ll do just about anything to keep from “rocking the boat” and believes it’s important to “go along to get along.”

Rescuing Rita. Rita always seems to have someone “under her wing,” sometimes at work but usually at home or at church. Her heart bleeds for these people, especially because she’s been given so much. What kind of person would she be if she said no to those who are suffering? Besides, she probably knows what’s best for them better than they do. After all, she’s been able to be successful at work, has a nice home and car, and takes nice vacations. She feels bad for people who don’t have it as good as she does and feels obligated to help them out, even when it’s a strain for her.

Self-Assured Sofia. Sofia knows who she is and is grounded in herself. She’s not easily swayed by the opinions of others, though she’s willing to listen to them and people feel like she really hears them. She seems grounded in her very being and is not afraid to disagree with others on things that matter. She volunteers for two causes that really matter to her. She shares with others about how she’s learned to nurture and care for herself so she has the energy to give in a way that works for her and that she can sustain over the long haul.

Their-Fault Theresa. Theresa always seems to be surrounded by jerks. If only she could find just the right job, the right guy, the right neighborhood, and the right friends, then everything would be okay. She often talks of how badly people treat her, yet she keeps those people in her life for years on end. It seems like she’s waiting for them to change. She doesn’t seem to feel like she has any control over her life and just deals with things as they come up. She thinks, “Why bother planning? Shit always happens.” She believes that there’s someone out there for her who’s going to make everything better. In the meantime, she’d rather stick with a jerk than be alone.

In a workplace, it’s easy to fall into patterns that feel comfortable but that ultimately drain us. It’s important to recognize when we’re saying yes too often, neglecting our own needs, or relying on others to define us. Take a moment to reflect on which of these personalities resonates with you. Are you Approval-Seeking Andrea, Over-Giving Octavia, or perhaps Boundaried Bonita?

The good news is that we all have the ability to grow and change. If you identify with the types who struggle with boundaries, know that you’re not alone, and it’s never too late to create healthier ones. The goal isn’t perfection—it’s progress. So, who would you rather work with? And more importantly, who would you rather be? 

If you recognize yourself in these profiles and realize it’s time to change, check out “Boundaries by Design – A Blueprint for Your Life.” It’s an 8-week structured group course for women from Oct. – Dec. 2024.

Due to COVID, we had to postpone this event until November 15. We hope to see you then!

Come one, come all, to New Haven's first ever Open Benefit: The Great Nonprofit Game Show!

An open benefit is a collaborative fundraiser. We are bringing together six different community organizations to celebrate their work and raise funds together.

Join us at ConnCorp from 5:30-8:30 on Saturday, September 28th for our main attraction, a friendly yet fierce nonprofit-themed game show where representatives from participating organizations battle it out in a series of fun and challenging games. Hosted by The Game Show Guys, tickets for the event start at $50 and include food and one drink ticket.

It's not just a game; it’s a playful way to connect, learn about the impactful work of local nonprofits, and cheer on your favorite teams.

Interested in supporting a specific organization - or just want in on the fun? Click the button below or visit our website for to learn more!

16 City Gallery Members Part of New Haven Open Studios Events

City Gallery is excited to be part of the annual Open Studios event being held throughout New Haven during the month of October. All 16 City Gallery artists will participate in OPEN STUDIOS @ CITY, on view from October 4 through October 27. There will be an Opening Reception on Saturday, October 5, 2-4 p.m., as well as Artist Talks featuring:

            Rita Hannafin & Catherine Lavoie, Sunday, October 13, 2-4 p.m.
            Joy Bush & Phyllis Crowley, Sunday, October 27, 2-4 p.m.

For more than 20 years, City Gallery has served as a collective of innovative contemporary artists from the New Haven area. It is a member-run gallery featuring a wide range of visual media: painting, sculpture, photography, papermaking, fiber art, printmaking, and mixed media.

OPEN STUDIOS @ CITY is a chance to see the work of City Gallery’s newest members painter Robert Jacoby, textile artist Catherine Lavoie, and painter Sue Rollins, along with:

Judy Atlas - painter
Meg Bloom - sculptor
Joy Bush - photographer
Phyllis Crowley - photographer
Jennifer Davies - fiber artist
Roberta Friedman - painter
William Frucht - photographer
Joyce Greenfield - painter
Rita Hannafin - textile artist
Barbara Harder - printmaker
Sheila Kaczmarek - sculptor
Kathy Kane - painter
Tom Peterson - photographer

City Gallery’s exhibits rotate on a monthly schedule, giving the community an opportunity to see works by many artists in a variety of styles throughout the year. In addition, the gallery occasionally hosts work by guest artists who help to make New Haven a vibrant regional center for the arts.  These shows include MOSAIC, the summer show by a group of Yale School of Architecture graduates; Spaces Within, the 2023 Summer Invitational featuring artists Susan Clinard, Shaunda Holloway, and Linda Mickens; and Karen Klugman’s Upper State Street 1978: At the Height of Its Decline in 2022.

In an effort to showcase the diversity and talent of the local arts community, City Gallery offers a scholarship program that provides full gallery membership for two years to emerging artists who may not have the resources to become a part of a collective, member-run gallery.

The members of City Gallery are carefully selected for their accomplishments as artists, their ability to commit to maintaining a successful member-run gallery, and their fit with the group. All have distinguished resumes and have exhibited widely, and many also teach in the New Haven artistic community.

Additional Open Studios 2024 events are being held at Creative Arts Workshop, Eli Whitney Museum Barn, Ely Center of Contemporary Art, Erector Square, Highwood Square, Institute Library, Kehler Liddell Gallery, Marlin Works, NXTHVN, and in West Haven and Westville. Information on all of the events can be found at erectorsquarestudios.com.

The Open Studios @ City exhibit and events are free and open to the public and run October 4 – October 27, 2024. There will be an Opening Reception on Saturday, October 5, 2-4 p.m., as well as Artist Talks featuring Rita Hannafin & Catherine Lavoie on Sunday, October 13, 2-4 p.m., and Joy Bush & Phyllis Crowley on Sunday, October 27, 2-4 p.m.. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m. or by appointment. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

Photo Credit: Marcelo Chagas

Black-and-white thinking is a common pattern for people whose lives are chaotic, and/or who have unhealthy boundaries, addiction, compulsion, and/or obsession. This is sometimes referred to as “all or nothing” thinking or “either/or” thinking. That is, there's no gray area, things are either black or white. For example, “If I don’t get this done perfectly, I’m a failure.”

I thought in that way for a very long time, and sometimes still do. It can be a very hard mindset to spot in yourself. I’m reminded of the often-used phrase in recovery, “I can’t use my broken brain to fix my broken brain.” Sometimes, I still catch myself thinking things could only be a complete disaster or perfect. Often, I need others to remind me, “You know Barb, there ARE other options.”

This is a tough one to overcome, but it’s possible! I’ll talk about that shortly, but first, let’s talk about being in the gray area. I think of this as being able to detect nuance. The definition of nuance is “a subtle difference in shade of meaning, expression, or sound. “

When you can detect nuance, it means being able to detect teeny tiny little differences between things as opposed to bold and stark differences, like the differences between the colors black and white. The reason so many of us focus on bold and stark differences is that we deal with life in a reactive manner, which puts us into fight-or-flight mode much of the time. That means we're going by our internal programming or what I call our lizard brain.

When this happens, we're not able to think clearly because our body temporarily shuts off access to the frontal lobe, or higher order thinking part of our brain. This happens because we’re meant to ACT, not THINK when in that mode.

To be able to detect nuance, you have to be thinking clearly and be able to focus your thinking brain on the subject at hand. If you’ve spent much of your life in chaos, that means much of your life has been spent in fight or flight mode so your habitual patterns of thinking are black and white. That doesn’t mean you can’t ever detect nuance. It means your go-to is this distorted mode of thinking in stark terms.

One of the solutions to this mode of thinking is to get other people’s perspectives. It’s through talking with others who have said, “You know Barb, there are other options” that I’ve sometimes been able to see my black-and-white thinking. If you need help with reaching out to others so you can get other perspectives, I recommend you read this article, which is about how to start reaching out to others even when you’ve never done so.

You can also train yourself to see nuance in other ways. Slowing things down, sort of like playing a video in slow motion, allows you to see things you miss at regular speed. That means pausing so you can pay close attention to your life.

You can’t be dissociated, you need to be present to detect nuance. You can't do those things when your nervous system is activated. This is why black-and-white thinking is so problematic and so common with people who have poor boundaries. When we have poor boundaries, we’re typically reacting to what life brings to us rather than purposely choosing how to live. We’re reactive rather than proactive. 

In addition to not being able to detect nuance when we're activated, we're also not able to describe nuance when talking about our experiences. For example, if things were good or bad, or if that person was really nice or an asshole. Nothing in between exists in our language when we think like this. We can’t see situations or people as having both good and bad qualities. 

If you want to move away from black-and-white thinking so you can detect and articulate the nuanced experiences of life, slow down so you can become present. It may help you to ground yourself. Typically, grounding refers to consciously connecting to the gravitational pull of the earth (feel your feet on the floor or ground, and consciously observe that connection). It may also help to ground yourself by connecting with your senses, like observing five things you can see or the faintest sound you can detect. 

In terms of slowing down, pausing is the best technique I’ve found. It’s the #1 most important tool I learned is recovery because I can’t employ any other tools if I haven’t paused. When we slow down, we can catch our breath which tells our bodies “I’m safe.” When we can’t catch our breath, it feels like we’re under threat and unsafe which triggers fight or flight mode. Pausing allows us to come out of fight or flight mode so we can become present and get clarity of mind.

Many of us have this distorted thinking pattern where we can only “see” things in stark terms that have a lot of contrast between them: good/bad, either/or, black/white. Life is much more  nuanced or “gray.” To get to nuanced thinking, get others’ perspectives, slow down and get present so you can come out of flight or flight mode, and allow your brain to access your frontal lobe so you can detect the nuances of life.

Remember that changes like this are also nuanced. You’re not likely to make the shift immediately or forever. It will happen in stages and setbacks are likely. When that happens, remember to pause and perhaps reach out to others to find out how they deal with their black-and-white thinking. Modes of thinking such as this are insidious and it takes dedication to overcome them, but it can be done. Appreciating all the gray, nuanced areas is a much more satisfying and pleasant way to live than only seeing the stark contrasts of life.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

Photo Credit: Andrej Lisakov

The most important thing that enabled me to go from 50+ years of having no boundaries to having healthy boundaries was this: I made the shift from being super concerned with what others think of me to becoming more concerned with what I think of myself.

This doesn't mean I don't care at all what others think of me (of course I do, I'm human). What it means is that I used to be willing to throw my integrity out the window by lying and saying yes to things I didn't want to do. I’d volunteer for things I didn't really want to do. I wanted to be helpful for sure, but “wanting to be helpful” doesn’t explain why I over-gave to the point of being resentful and exhausted. It became over-giving because I cared so much about what other people thought of me. I didn’t want them to think I was a bad person, uncaring or unhelpful. 

I wanted them to think good things of me, like that I’m helpful, giving, and dependable. I didn't understand any of this at the time though. I thought I was “nice” and that was my motivation. I didn’t realize I was so invested in what other people thought of me.

This came to my awareness when I asked someone to help me understand how helpfulness turns into rescuing. I told her that I understood there’s a continuum of helpfulness that’s something like this:

And that I understood the difference between the two ends pretty clearly. I was confused about the middle part of the continuum. For example, how do you know when you’ve switched from being “helpful” to “rescuing” someone? She said, “It depends on your motives: why are you helping? It is truly to be helpful or is it so they’ll like you?”

I told her I was doing it to be helpful. But after a while her question percolated in my mind and I realized, “Holy shit! I really am doing it because I want them to like me!” Actually, it wasn’t so much that they’d like me, it was that I wanted them to think good things of me, like that I'm nice, helpful, and smart. I definitely didn’t want them to think I was a bad person. That would have been the worst!

I came to realize was willing to throw my integrity out the window for the chance that people would like me. I’d lie and say yes when I didn’t want to. I’d say I didn’t like things that I did for fear of what others would think. 

I was overwhelmed and exhausted from bending over backwards for other people. I had a sense of urgency all the time because I was trying to live a bunch of other people’s lives rather than just my own life. I came to realize I had a sense of urgency all the time when I heard someone in recovery use that phrase. Until then, that’s just how life was, I didn’t know any different. Once I identified it, I realized that it might be possible to live a life without a sense of urgency.

What happened over time is that I started living in line with my values. That means I say yes to things that light me up and no to things that don't. By living in alignment with my values, I’ve shored up my integrity. What that means is that *I* like me. 

I like myself now because I’m no longer lying, AND I’m doing things that light me up. I’m not doing things that drain me. I don’t do things that go against my values the way I used to because I was afraid of what others would think. Now, if I don’t agree with something, it's a lot easier for me to stand up for myself because I like myself and am invested in my own integrity. I’m less invested in what others think of me.

If want to live your life on purpose and have your own back, that won’t be possible if you don’t give a shit about yourself. This is what I mean when I say I've come to care more about what I think of myself than what other people think of me.

For me, the process of building healthy boundaries was about figuring out what I like and not like. Then, figuring out how to live my life such that there are more things I like in it and less the things that I don't like in it. Once I know those things, then -  how do I communicate that to other people?

It’s an experimental process to figure all this out, especially if you've been a lifelong people pleaser/chameleon like me. If you don’t really know what you like, you’ll have to experiment to figure that out. Once you know those things, then you’ll know where and when to set your boundaries. You’ll do it in such a way that you do more of what you like and less (or none) of what you don’t. 

You may have heard me talk about how I was a NY Giants fan, a Dallas Cowboys fan twice, and a New England Patriots fan because of who I was dating at the time. But really, I don't give a shit about football! Before I had healthy boundaries, I didn't even allow myself to realize that. I wanted to be a “good girlfriend.”

I had to figure out what I liked (Hallmark movies, not football) in order to be able to set boundaries around that stuff. That whole process was me getting to know myself: what I like, don’t like, want, need, prefer, what I value – what’s important to ME.  Only then was I able to stand up for myself because I knew who I was.

That whole process helped me to care much more about what I think of myself because I know that I’m an honest woman of integrity now. I'm living in alignment with my values so what you think of me isn't so important anymore. I want you to like me, but I don’t need you to like me the way I used to, because I like me. 

Join us at an upcoming public workshop! We will be at Wilson Library (303 Washington Avenue) on September 28th from 1pm-3pm.

Kid-friendly and food is provided!

Please help us get the word out to your friends, family, and neighbors!

https://newhavenvision2034.com/

Están invitados a nuestro próximo taller para Visión 2034, el Plan Integral de New Haven. Estaremos en la biblioteca Wilson (303 Washington Avenue) el 28 de septiembre de 13 a 15. .

Niños bienvenidos y ofrecemos comida!

¡Por favor ayúdenos correr la voz a sus amigos, familia, y vecinos!

I know sometimes people gag when they hear the term “affirmations.” I get it. You can’t just sit around saying “I’m rich” and get rich. That’s not what affirmations are for. They’re for clearing up the negative stuff that’s often swirling in the background of our minds – often for decades.

I wasn’t even aware I had negative self-talk until I was in my late 20’s. I was reading When Food Is Love by Geneen Roth (yes, I was a compulsive overeater even back then, but I didn’t know it). She wrote out some of the negative things her clients said to themselves and when I saw those words on the page I thought, “Oh my God! I say that shit to myself all the time!!!”

I wasn’t even aware all that negativity was playing in the background. I felt like I liked myself and had high self-esteem. I thought, “I guess I have a dual self-image.” I think that’s true for many of us. There are a couple of sayings in 12-step recovery that reflect that experience. One is, “I’m an egomaniac with an inferiority complex” and the other is “I’m the piece of shit that the world revolves around.” So I’m not alone in that. given that there’s more than one saying to describe the experience.

If you’ve spent decades telling yourself what a piece of shit you are, and you want your life to improve, you’re going to have to spend some time replacing those negative thoughts. The replacement thoughts are called affirmations because they’re affirmative, rather than negative.

“A negative mind will never give you a positive life.”

Think about it – if you’ve walked around thinking “I’m not enough” or “I’ll never catch up” or “I can never do anything right” how could you possibly feel like enough, caught up, or like you’ve done something right when these “programs” are playing in the background all the time?!

I’ve been saying affirmations of various kinds for years, and what’s really cool is when they become my “go-to” thoughts. Here’s an example from my life. Unlike most people in recovery who have low self-esteem and think they’re not enough, I tend to be grandiose and arrogant.

I don’t want to have those thoughts, I just do. I really think it’s just the opposite side of the coin of low self-esteem. Instead of not enough, I think “I’m too much.” It’s just another way of saying I’m not the right amount of something. There’s something wrong with me.

For me, the game changer in regard to that particular negative thought was when I was in a Y12SR class (Yoga for 12-Step Recovery) and the teacher took us through an exercise to help us determine our “Sankalpa.” Sankalpa is a Sanskrit word which means an intention or resolution. It’s a vow and commitment we make to support our highest truth. She asked us to write down, in a short phrase, the major issue that has plagued you for most of your life.

For me, it was “I’m too much.” We were then asked to come up with a phrase, a Sankalpa, that is the opposite of that short phrase that had plagued us forever. I fiddled with it for a while, and eventually, it morphed into “I’m just the right amount of everything.” Game changer!!!

When I first came up with it, I said it all the time. Now, I hardly ever say it because I’ve deeply internalized this notion. That is, it’s shifted from something I think to something I believe. And that, my friends, is magic. ✨ 

Beliefs are thoughts you’ve been thinking so long you eventually come to accept them as true: You believe them.

Every time I was in a situation where I felt the need to back off, become small, or not share what was really going on with me, I said to myself “I’m just the right amount of everything.” After saying it very regularly, even when I was not feeling like too much, and as part of my morning routine, I eventually came to believe it. I realized that for some people, I am too much. And guess what? Those are not my people! They get to not be my people, and I don’t need to make it mean anything about me. No one gets to decide how much “enoughness” anyone can or “should” be.

Going from negative thoughts to affirmations is a process. It takes time. You weren’t born thinking you’re not enough or too much, you were programmed! It’s time to change that programming and it’s going to take a while. 

What’s required is that we be persistent with our affirmative statements. You don’t have to believe your affirmation statements at first, you just have to keep saying them. If you simply won’t allow yourself to be consistent because you can’t believe the new statements, you can scaffold your thoughts. That is, you can go from a negative statement to a neutral statement, then eventually to a positive statement. 

Here's an example:

Negative: I’m always broke
Neutral: I have some money
Positive: Money flows to me easily and effortlessly from expected and unexpected sources.

If you simply will not repeat positive statements about things like money, then you can scaffold your way to something from something neutral from something negative.

Ask-firmations: a new kind of affirmation

I was recently introduced to the concept of “ask-firmations” by a client. The idea is that, instead of making affirmative statements, you ask yourself good questions. They’re essentially affirmations in the form of a question. I’ve also heard this called Lofty Questions of Vishen Lakhiani, the founder of Mind Valley. 

My take on why these work is this: ask shitty questions, get shitty answers. Ask good questions, and get good answers. If you keep asking, “Why can’t I ever get things right?” you’ll search for answer to that question. But if you start asking questions like, “Why am I continually getting things right?” your subconscious mind will go about the job of searching for answers. As it’s said, “Seek and ye shall find.” When you look for good things, you’ll find good things. When you look for shitty things, you’ll find shitty things. This is why a gratitude practice is so helpful in turning your mind and your life around. You look for good things and find them.

If you’d like to start on some affirmations, you can listen to this podcast episode for a whole bunch, or you can listen to some askfirmations I created for people who are working on their boundaries.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

It used to be that when things would happen I’d decide, “It means this.” This was especially true of negative things, but sometimes also true of good things. I’d place a meaning on something and then continue on with my life as if that meaning was the absolute and eternal truth. Recovery taught me that frequently, I was making things mean things that they don’t.

I came to see that I often don't have all the information about a situation and when I don’t, I fill in the gaps. Typically, I make some kind of assumptions. Given that I had a deeply entrenched victim mentality for the majority of my life, the meaning was about how I’d get the shit end of the stick in whatever situation was occurring. Or if it was positive, the meaning I’d place on the situation would be that I was somehow the hero because of my arrogant nature. Mind you, I don’t want to have these mentalities, but I do. They’ve decreased massively since recovery, but I still think like this occasionally. I now catch those thoughts most of the time, but I don’t think they’ll ever entirely go away.

I really only have my own personal perspective about something. I don’t know what other people’s motives are. Hell – I’m sometimes not even sure what my motives are, so how can I know what other people’s motives are??

Here’s an example of making things mean things that they don’t which you may have heard me share before. One Christmas I got a gift from my sweetheart, and he told me he didn't have time to wrap it. I was fine with that, but in the past, I would have made that mean he doesn't love me or care about me or he’d wrap my present beautifully in Christmas wrapping paper with bows and ribbons. 

What’s cool about recovery is that not only do I no longer make something as benign as an unwrapped gift mean that someone doesn’t love or care for me, but I can also see that that’s how I used to think. It helps me see “my part” in the dysfunction of my life. Prior to recovery, I wasn’t even aware that I thought like that.

Recovery showed me I had lots of distorted thinking and unrealistic expectations. I now understand that the way for me to know how people feel about me is the way they treat me over time. It’s not contained in one simple act.

My inner critic seems to want me to be miserable. One of the ways it does that is it tells me things, in my own voice, to keep others at a distance. My mind still tells me f-d up stuff about people sometimes, I just know not to listen to it anymore.

Here’s more about that unwrapped Christmas gift. It was a microphone with a built-in speaker. I can magnify my voice with the flick of a switch! What's really incredible about that is that my entire life I was told I was too loud. I came to believe that was too much. So to have somebody who loves me give me a gift that validates who I am and gives me the message that I need to be heard, and my voice needs to be magnified, THAT is an incredible gift!

If I had made it mean that the unwrapped gift meant that he didn't love me, I would have been so stuck on that that I would have had no appreciation for the value of the gift. The gift was so much more than a microphone – it was seeing that he knows me and what my wounds are.

This is a great example to illustrate having unspoken standards. Before recovery, I wanted beautifully wrapped presents. But I never told anybody that. I expected them to “know” and then if they didn't do it, I made it mean, “they don't really love me.”

Are you doing that sort of thing? Ask yourself where, when, and with who you might be doing this. that. The best way this kind of thinking can be cleared up is to directly communicate with people. That is if they say something that you’re unclear how to interpret, come right out and directly ask them what they meant. Or say something like, “I don’t know what that means” and let them respond. 

Through recovery, I've learned that I don’t have to assign a rigid meaning to everything, especially when it’s based on old patterns of thinking. Instead, I can seek clarity and communicate directly. This shift has allowed me to build healthier relationships and experience more joy and connection in my life.

If you find yourself making things mean more than they really do, I encourage you to pause and ask for clarity. You might be surprised at how much easier life becomes when you let go of assumptions and focus on understanding rather than guessing. Recovery has shown me that the meaning we assign to things is not set in stone—it’s something we can question and reshape. And that, dear friends, is a gift in itself.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

The Ely Center of Contemporary Art, in downtown New Haven, has an opening effective November 2024, for a Treasurer, when its current Treasurer completes his term.

https://elycenter.org/employment23

Please see link with details. Nominations and expressions of interest may be sent to Board Secretary Dan Burns.

daniel.burns100@icloud.com Subject:  ECOCA Board Treasurer Inquiry.

Thank you. 

City Gallery is pleased to present ABSTRACTIONS, a collection of new work by member artist Judy Atlas. The show runs September 6 – September 29, with an Opening Reception on Sunday, September 8 from 2-4 p.m. The artist will be in the Gallery on Saturday, September 28 to meet with visitors and answer questions.

There are two approaches in creating abstract art: representational abstractions which have some reference to physical reality, and nonrepresentational abstractions, which are more intuitive in approach and process, involving exploration and discovery.

There are examples of both of these approaches in ABSTRACTIONS. Atlas's Mykonos paintings are representational, inspired by the natural beauty on the islands of Greece. While her collages and other paintings are great examples of nonrepresentational abstractions.

For the collages, Atlas “deconstructed and tore apart some of my old paintings and monotypes and used these pieces to reconstruct the new abstract art pieces.” In a separate series of paintings, she explores the use of lines, color, shapes and texture to intuitively create an expression of sensations, emotional and physical.

Atlas has studied with Lora Lee Bell, Graziella De Solodow and Barbara Harder at the Creative Arts Workshop in New Haven, and also attended intensive workshops with Steve Aimone in Maine. She taught painting, abstraction, and collage classes at the Creative Arts Workshop for 20 years and has recently retired from teaching. Her work has been included in numerous solo, group, invitational and juried shows in Connecticut. She has been a member of City Gallery since 2008.

The ABSTRACTIONS exhibit is free and open to the public. It runs September 6 – September 29, with artist events on Sunday, September 8 and Saturday, September 28. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m., or by appointment. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Mentoring has been practiced for millennia. It’s a fantastic way to build community, groom new leaders, forge ties between various groups, pass on institutional knowledge and culture, and feel connected to others. I’ve learned a ton about both being mentored and being a mentor in 12-step recovery through what’s called “sponsorship” in recovery. The most basic model of sponsorship in recovery is that you “find someone who has what you want and ask how s/he got it.” If the conversation goes well, you ask them to be your sponsor, and if they say yes, they take you through the 12 steps.

In some 12-step recovery programs, people are told that if someone asks, “Will you sponsor me?” you must say yes. As a former people-pleaser and rescuer, that doesn’t work for me. I’d have 50 sponsees if that was the case! So the main message I have for you here is:

Whatever mentoring relationship you get into, it needs to work for YOU!

It doesn’t matter if that’s a sponsorship relationship in 12-step recovery, career mentorship, spiritual mentorship, or a right-of-passage program. If the mentoring relationship doesn’t feel right to you, you don’t have to stay in it. It doesn’t matter whether you’re the mentor or the mentee. You get to be in a mentoring relationship that fits you, feels right, and you’re getting something substantial out of it.

I’m going to share my experience of sponsoring and being sponsored with some recommendations. Just as with everything I share, take what you want and leave the rest. My way is right for me, it might not be right for you.

Recommendations about mentoring relationships

If you're the mentor and feeling completely drained because you have too many mentees or other responsibilities, or your mentees need more from you than you’re willing and able to give, you can let people go. You could also change the way you do things. Perhaps start a group mentoring situation. Being a mentor should enhance your life, not detract from it. If you decide to let them go, you might try to help them find another mentor.

If you’re a mentee and feel like your mentor is just not getting you, not helping you, or you feeling crappy every time you talk to them, you can let them go. It's okay to do that. It's likely that over the course of your life, you’ll have multiple mentors. Some could be in different areas of your life, some could be in different stages of your life. In fact, having a coach is much like having a mentor except that mentors are typically not paid. Sometimes people work together with the same mentor for decades, and some people go from mentor to mentor. It's an individual thing, there’s no one right way for everyone.

If you’re the mentee, you get a say in whether the person mentors you or not. If someone says, “I’m going to be your mentor” you don’t have to agree. It’s unhealthy for people to foist their help onto others. We get to consent to whatever types of help we accept.

Getting started with mentoring

In choosing who might be your mentor, it’s good to look for someone who has the kind of life you want. This could be the kind of career, family, spiritual life, or recovery that you want. Whatever the area is that you’re seeking mentorship, they should be doing well in a way that you admire. When you find someone like that, speak to them and tell them what you admire about them, and ask if they’d be willing to be your mentor. Consider trying it out on a temporary basis, which might be best for both of you to get started. It will also be easier to let the relationship go if necessary when you start with an understanding that it’s temporary. 

Whether you decide to try out the mentorship temporarily or on a longer-term basis, perhaps check in at the 30-day point and again at the 90-day point to make sure it’s working for both of you. I recommend putting the onus on the mentor to do the check-in and to do it via email to make it as easy as possible for the mentee to bow out of the relationship if they choose to do that.  

Personally, I think it’s important to wait to get a mentor until you find one you really like. That way it’s much more likely to be a good match than if you just get a mentor to get a mentor. However, in 12-step recovery programs for addiction to substances like drugs or alcohol, you could possibly die if you go one more day without a sponsor. Keep that in mind. 

Take what works and leave the rest

The way the person gives you guidance is also important. You’re an adult and get to make your own decisions about how to live your life, so if someone is telling you to do something that just doesn’t feel right, you don’t have to do it. In fact, I prefer people who say things like, “Here's what I’ve tried that might work for you…” or “If I were in your shoes, here’s what I’d do…” rather than someone who says, “You need to do this.”

Think of it like this: they’ve been on this metaphorical staircase before you. They're ahead of you with a flashlight and they know which stairs creak but are still strong, which one's got a nail sticking out, and which one is broken. They're not there to tell you “You must go this way” but instead, “Here’s what I recommend” or perhaps “Here's what I've seen work in such situations.” They're there to guide you, not dictate to you. 

My personal experience

Now I’ll talk about my personal experience with sponsorship in 12-step recovery. When I met my first sponsor in OA, she said, “I’ll take you through the 12 steps, and when we're done I'm going to move on and get a new sponsee and you're going to move on and get a new sponsor.” That is, she set up the expectations for both of us from the start. That way, the entire time I worked with her, I knew it was going to end. I knew to start looking for another sponsor as we got toward the end of step 12. I found another sponsor soon after she and I finished the 12 steps. 

That person worked on something different with me using 12-step literature rather than doing the steps. But the work was still specific to the recovery program we were both in. My current sponsor and I read personal development literature together and talked about it. Sometimes it’s 12-step recovery literature, sometimes it’s not. I also share with her any difficulties I’m having and how I’m using the steps and my other recovery tools to handle things. I ask her for advice when necessary, and vent to her if it comes to that (which is less and less often as the years go by). I have a bi-weekly call scheduled with her, but if necessary, I reach out to her in between calls when I need support.

In terms of being a sponsor, I have several sponsees between my two recovery programs. In my ACA program, I’ve been working with the same sponsees for years. Once we completed the steps, we moved on to other program literature. Most of them I meet with bi-weekly at this point, though we met weekly for the first couple of years. I have one sponsee who’s taken the summer off from sponsorship work and another who’s currently on “pause” but texts me daily that she’s meditated for 10 minutes that day. That was something we both agreed would be helpful to her in her early recovery and she continues to do it. That way we’re still in touch a bit. At some point in the future, we’ll likely pick back up where we left off in the literature we were working through. 

When I started sponsoring, my sponsor told me I might sponsor 10-12 people before I finally take a sponsee all the way through the 12 steps. That was really helpful to me because I worked with people who’d dropped out of recovery, who decided our relationship wasn't working for them, or they weren't willing to do the work. Knowing that it doesn’t always work out the first time (or the second or third…) was so helpful. For me, it was my ninth sponsee that I got through all 12 steps. I had the intention of continuing to work with her after we finished the steps, but she decided to move on so I got another sponsee after in that program. The same could be true in any mentoring relationship – the relationship may not last as long as you’d hoped.

The other thing that I do in terms of how I work with my sponsees is that I have them scheduled ahead of time. If we meet weekly, it’s the same time each week. If it’s biweekly, it's the first and third or second and fourth weeks of the month on the same day and time. That’s what works for me and my sponsees. Some people gag at the idea of being the scheduled like, and that’s okay. That’s what works for me. It also ensures that I don’t lose track of any of my sponsees and that they stay in the work. If someone can't commit to being on the phone with me at a prescheduled time, I’m not the right sponsor for them. If they need to speak with me between calls, they text me to find a time to talk soon.

If you’re someone who has been around in recovery for a long time, or in a career or other position for a long time, I hope you’ll consider mentoring others. People are thirsty for connection, especially post-COVID, and this is a great way to give back to others.

The Neighborhood Leadership Program at The Community Foundation for Greater New Haven is Accepting Applications

New Haven, Conn. (July 18, 2024) — Residents in New Haven, Hamden, East Haven and West Haven who are looking to make a difference in their communities are encouraged to apply to The Community Foundation’s Neighborhood Leadership Program.

The leadership training and grant program is holding an informational session on Thursday, August 1, 2024 from 5:30 p.m. - 7:30 p.m. at The Community Foundation for Greater New Haven 70 Audubon St., New Haven. A light dinner will be served.

REGISTER HERE

The Neighborhood Leadership Program is a networking, skill building and grant program carried out over eight months running from September - April. The program trains and supports participants as they imagine, develop, test and realize projects which build community and provide positive outcomes.

Participants are eligible to apply for grants of up to $3,000 to carry out their community-based projects after completing the training and planning stages of the program.

If you have a commitment to making a positive difference through resident engagement, are eager to build your skills and capacity to increase your impact, and you want to engage with other leaders in learning, practice and project execution, then YOU should apply to this program!

The Neighborhood Leadership Program is limited to residents of New Haven, East Haven, West Haven or Hamden.

REGISTER HERE

For more information, contact Lee Cruz.

About The Community Foundation for Greater New Haven

The Community Foundation for Greater New Haven in Connecticut was established in 1928 and is one of the oldest and largest community foundations in the U.S. The Foundation stewards a permanent charitable endowment for 20 towns in Greater New Haven that has been built by donors creating funds to support a broad variety of issues and organizations. The Foundation’s mission is to inspire, support, inform, listen to and collaborate with the people and organizations of Greater New Haven to build an ever more connected, inclusive, equitable and philanthropic community. For more information about The Foundation, visit www.cfgnh.org or follow @cfgnh on facebook and twitter.

The incident that landed me in a 12-step recovery was that I hit a codependent bottom. It happened as a result of inviting my homeless friend Dan from church to stay overnight at my home during a really heavy snowstorm in January 2015. He accepted my invitation, of course. Then he stayed another time and another time, and within a few weeks, he was practically living with me. 

He was an admitted addict and an alcoholic. Now I think it’s possible he also had some kind of personality disorder. This guy messed with my head in a way I’d never experienced. He made me question my reality, and my motives and generally wreaked havoc on my life. And yet I continued to allow him to say. 

One time he was super high on this stuff that was going around in New Haven at the time. It was called K2 and it was almost like PCP in its effects. The high made the person have super unpredictable behavior and be really “out there.” During one of these highs, he was stumbling around my apartment and just wrecking the place. I was really scared. My nervous system lit up just by writing that. 

I had no idea what to do so I took out my phone to video record him. My brilliant idea was that if I showed it to him when he was sober, he’d “see the error of his ways” and stop getting high. I thought I could manipulate him out of his addiction. I didn't know any better back then, which seems rather obvious since I invited a homeless person to stay in my home!

Instead of him seeing the error of his ways, he lost his shit when I showed him the video. He said, “That's exactly the kind of thing that my father did to me!” By then I knew how much he demonized his father. When Dan’s mother was alive, she’d allow him to sneak into the family home to get food and sleep sometimes. His father was the one who kicked him out because he wasn’t willing to enable him, which is why Dan demonized him.

When I showed Dan the video, he turned me into the villain. He acted like I was a horrendous person because I recorded his escapades. This strategy took the focus off of HIS behavior and put it on ME. He blamed me as if I’d done something wrong by making a video when he’d just trashed my apartment. 

At the time I thought, “He’s the one taking advantage of ME here” but I now know that he wasn’t “taking advantage of me.” I opened my home to him, invited him in, cooked, and did laundry for him. I drove him places, bought him cigarettes, and did all kinds of things to enable him so he would not suffer the consequences of his homelessness. And not suffer the consequences of his behavior while high. He was not taking advantage of me. I offered all these things to him.

Then I got resentful when it became too much. This is a hallmark of codependence – we give and give and give, expecting nothing in return. Then we hit a wall and become resentful because of the imbalance in the relationship. 

I didn't have any boundaries. I had a victim mentality, thinking he was doing these things TO me. Yet I’d invited him in, and gave him all kinds of stuff to make his life easier so he could continue using. I can see now what I couldn’t see then: I believed that I could somehow save him. That if I just provided him with enough stuff, care, and attention he’d magically turn things around.

What's interesting about that is he and I had a conversation once time where I mentioned how hard he had it being a homeless person. He laughed and said that I had it so much harder than him because he had no responsibility and I had tons. I was flabbergasted! He was a homeless person in New Haven, CT in a snowy winter with no income, he begged for money and went to 12-step meetings just for the free coffee and to get warm. And he thought MY LIFE was harder!

I lived in an apartment with heat, hot water, had many changes of clothes, a bed, food, a car, and other material items, not to mention a retirement plan and health insurance. He had only the clothes on his back and thought my life was much harder than his!

He said, “I don't have to do anything. I don't have to be anywhere. I don't have to answer to anyone.” What he was saying, which I know now, is that responsibility scared the shit out of him. He clearly did not have the skills to manage life. He shared with me that he’d come to believe that his mother subconsciously kept him needing her. He was the youngest of four children and she didn’t want him to leave. This kept him from not taking responsibility for himself. So the idea of responsibility scared the shit out of him. My guess is that he also didn’t think he deserved much better than what he had.

Back to my codependent bottom. I just didn't know how to make it stop. He’d do things like the K2 episode, lay these heavy guilt trips on me, and make me question what was wrong with me that I would even think about recording him. Now I can see that what was wrong with that wasn’t so much that I recorded him, it was that I thought that him seeing the video of himself while high would be enough to get him to stop getting high.

I can see now that I believed I could do something to intervene between him and his addiction. That's the thing with codependence -  we feel this compulsion to get in between other people and the consequences of their behavior. But we can't because we're not God. Then we get resentful of them, and make them be the entirety of the problem, even though we’ve been enabling them all along.

He was blaming me for being the problem because I recorded him. Yet I was blaming him for being who he was from the day I met him. And I was also taking the blame by feeling responsible for getting him to stop using.

Eventually, it just got to be so painful that it was intolerable. It finally sunk in, “I have to get him out of my house.” My sanity and my safety finally took precedence over trying to save Dan, who I’d only met a matter of months earlier. My compulsion to rescue, fix, and save him was so strong that I acted like it was my destiny to save him from himself.

Recovery truly and deeply showed me we cannot change other people. It doesn't matter how much we love them, how much we give to them, or how much we bend over backwards. It doesn’t matter if we slit our wrists and bleed for them.

We can't change other people.

This is why the Serenity Prayer is such a staple of 12-step recovery. I believe this is one of those lessons in life that we have to learn over, and over and over again: to discern the difference between what we can and cannot change. 

We especially cannot change other people who are addicts. The only thing more powerful than addiction is God. The thing about God is that the addict has to seek God and welcome God's guidance in order for God to interfere with the addiction. God can't interfere without that person's willingness because of that whole freewill thing. Since God is the only thing more powerful than addiction, but only if invited in, then you and I are not going to get another person to quit no matter what you do or don’t do. 

There are things you can do to make it more difficult for them to use, but you can’t stop the addiction, make them quit, get them into rehab, or get them into recovery. Those things essentially boil down to centering yourself in your own life instead of centering them. You can learn more about that in episode 140 of my podcast, “Loving Someone through Addiction” with my guest Jane Mackey. In the episode, she recommends the book Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Threatening and Pleading. It’s excellent.

The book and Jane’s episode teach things you can do to lessen the likelihood of them using, that is, to stop enabling them. You can create conditions where you’re not making it easier or more pleasant for them to use. You’ll learn to make it more difficult and less pleasant. The main way you’ll do that is by centering yourself in your own life. I typically refer to that by saying, “Keep the focus on yourself.” You’re the only thing you can control, so the endless drain of energy that comes from trying to control people, places, and things will end when you keep the focus on yourself. They may or may not recover, but at least you will no longer be endlessly drained, and resentful and you’ll learn to actually enjoy your life. 

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

The Community Foundation for Greater New Haven is seeking a qualified candidate for the position of Administrative Associate, Grantmaking & Strategy. 

The application deadline is August 16, 2024.

For more information and to apply, click here.