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Do you ever find yourself saying yes to things during that holiday that you secretly dread? Maybe it’s the family tradition you’ve never enjoyed, or the pressure to keep everyone else happy at the expense of your own peace and sanity. What if this year could be different?

The Pressure to Conform: Why We Do Things We Don’t Want To.

It’s especially common that we do things we no longer want to do, or maybe never wanted to do, with our families. The pressure can be very high to conform because “this is what we’ve always done” as a family.

We end up agreeing to things we don’t really want to do, wearing ourselves out, not giving ourselves the rest we need, and then getting resentful. I’m going to illustrate how we might handle this based on a story from a client a few years back. This particular scenario happened the day before Thanksgiving when she was set to spend several days with her family. It’s a very rich example of what it can be like for you when you start setting boundaries with family. It also busts some of the myths about boundaries.

Claudia’s Story: Living on Purpose.

The scenario is that Claudia (not her real name) backed out of a family hike because “I hate hiking and needed alone time.” She went on to say, “I was able to let them know I just need some alone time and they should go on without me.” She told me that the experience was “so freeing, and I'm so enjoying soaking up these quiet hours alone. If I hadn't done this, I don't think I would have been very pleasant on the hike or at dinner tonight. But now I'll be rested up and ready to talk all evening. Thank you for teaching me how to do this gracefully.”

This is what I would call living your life on purpose!

What Healthy Boundaries Look Like.

Now I’m going to go through what she said and unpack it to show how important it is to develop healthy boundaries if you want to live on purpose. 

Claudia backed out of a family hike because she hates hiking. She never liked going on family hikes but did them anyway. She let them know, “This is who I am - someone who does not like hiking.” This is what boundaries enable us to do, they help us to figure out who we are so we can tell other people who that is.

She let them know she was backing out of hiking that one time, but also that she didn’t enjoy hiking and never had. She let them know the truth about herself, perhaps for the first time ever. That meant she not only did not have to do something she didn't like doing, she broke a dysfunctional pattern with her family. Building healthy boundaries helped her realize she doesn't have to keep doing things she doesn't like doing with her family.

She told them they should go on without her. In other words, she didn’t want to stop them from enjoying hiking. She also let them know that she needed alone time. The way she handled this meant not going on a hike and taking alone time. The result was that she didn’t have the detrimental effect of doing something she didn’t want to do, and she got the benefit of doing something she actually likes to do, resting.

Many of us do not allow ourselves to rest enough. Like Claudia, I’ve learned the value of rest. I’ve definitely been guilty of not resting enough, and have been on a campaign over the last few months to build in more rest. I’m no longer taking potential client calls or recording my podcast on weekends, both of which I’ve done for years. Now, the only time I’ll work on weekends is if I have a speaking engagement. Weekends are now for resting, connecting with others, and getting some chores done. Not work.

We often don’t allow ourselves alone time to refuel. Perhaps because it feels like it’s selfish, or maybe like we’re being unproductive. Personally, I LOVE the feeling of being productive and having a sense of accomplishment. I just had an insight this morning that I’m now going to reframe my leisure time as productive time (I get to dream and tap into my imagination, as well as rest) and when I set aside that time it feels like I’ve accomplished something I set out to do.

So when Claudia didn’t have to hike and got to spend time alone resting, it was almost like she got double the fuel in her tank. She didn't get drained from hiking and she got to be alone to refuel by soaking up those quiet hours alone. The result was that instead of a tank running on empty (or possibly with negative fuel), she ended up with a tank that was full. 

Claudia also said, “If I hadn't done this, I don't think I would have been very pleasant on the hike or at dinner tonight.” She knew she would probably have been resentful and acted like a dick if she’d gone on the hike and didn’t allow herself to rest. 

Resentment and irritability are signals that you need to set a boundary.

Busting Common Myths about Boundaries.

One of the myths about boundaries is that you have to be a dick about them. I think people believe that because in the past, they've waited to set a boundary until they were pushed way past their limit so they explode. And it works! So they think that’s what it takes to set boundaries, you have to be a dick about it for people to respect your boundaries. Having healthy boundaries means that we don't allow ourselves to get to the point where we’re resentful. We notify people way before we get to the edge.

Another thing Claudia said was, “Now I'll be rested up and ready to talk all evening.” She realized that she could be fully present with her family with no resentment because she set a boundary with them.

This tackles another myth that people have about boundaries, which is that they put distance or build walls between us and other people. What Claudia experienced was that by own not engaging in an activity she dislikes and giving herself time to relax, she was able to be fully present with her family. She was rested, energized pleasant, and “ready to talk all night long.” That doesn’t sound like putting up a wall at all! That sounds like a connection.

Instead of the boundary putting distance between her and her family, it made her more available to them. 

Reclaiming Your Time and Energy

At the end, Claudia mentioned that I’d taught her how to do this gracefully. That’s because in our coaching, she got clear on what’s important to her; what she wants, likes, needs, and prefers; what’s okay and not okay with her so she can express those things to others.

Through the empowered communication methods I taught her, she took responsibility for getting her own needs met instead of resenting others for not meeting her needs. She realized she doesn't need to people-please her family and act like she likes hiking when she doesn't. 

Just like Claudia, you get to tell your family things like, “I need alone time” or “I don’t want to spend every day of the holiday week visiting everyone else, I want to stay home for a couple of days.” Or whatever else you’d like your holiday season to be like. 

You don’t have to be ON all the time we’re with our families. We get to enjoy the holidays the way WE want to! In fact, we get to enjoy our time all year long doing things we want to.

Imagine if Claudia had gone for the hike and was kind of a dick on the hike and got drained from the hike and not resting. She probably would have been a jerk all evening and that probably would have carried over into the Thanksgiving Day, not to mention the long drive home with her sister. 

Instead, she told them who she was (i.e., a woman who doesn't like hiking and needs alone time to refuel). She honored herself as that person. Because she did that, she was well-rested and able to talk all night with her family. She was able to be fully present with them for the Thanksgiving celebration as well as the ride home with her sister. She really said that boundaries help us get closer to people, not farther. 

Boundaries aren’t about keeping people out; they’re about inviting yourself in. By honoring your own needs, you create space for connection., joy, and authenticity – not just during the ho lidays but all year long.

So, what’s one small boundary you could set this week to honor your needs? Start with something small and notice how it impacts your energy and relationships.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

During a prayer service at Washington's National Cathedral Tuesday, the Episcopal bishop of Washington directly confronted President Trump while he and Vice President J.D. Vance were seated in the front row...

https://www.npr.org/2025/01/21/nx-s1-5270031/bishop-confronts-trump-during-sermon-at-inaugural-prayer-service

I help overwhelmed people-pleasers say no without guilt and shame so they can finally put themselves first and stop stressing over what others think. I do this for a few reasons.

1. That was me! I didn’t even I know was a people pleaser. I thought I was just “nice.” When I first heard the term people pleaser in recovery, I didn't think it applied to me. I remember thinking of another friend and I was like,  “Ohh yeah …she's a people pleaser!” This just goes to show how much denial I was in about myself.
2. Guilt and shame are the main reasons people don't set boundaries or cave on their boundaries. This was true for me and I think I can safely say it’s true for all of my clients.
3. The reason that we have such difficulty saying no is because we care way more about what other people think than what we think. In other words, we're completely focused on other people and what they're doing (or not doing). You’re not going to have a powerful living experience when you never concentrate on your own life and are always focused on people's lives. It’s just not possible. You have to actually LEAD your own life. No one else will do it for you.
4. Women have internalized the message that “selfish” is about the worst thing in the world you can be (I had a client say “I’d rather be called a whore than selfish.” WTF??). They’re terrified of being seen as selfish. First of all, if you’ve been a lifelong people pleaser, you’re NOT going to turn into a selfish person, it’s not in your nature. Secondly, paying attention to yourself, taking care of yourself, and doing things that bring you pleasure and energy are not selfish. You have one life to live, so live YOUR life, not the lives of others. This doesn’t mean we’re not helpful and generous, it means we’re helpful and generous in ways that are sustainable, not draining.

Some of the main fears I see in clients and prospective clients are that they’re afraid to upset others and that people won’t like them. They’re afraid they’ll have to confront someone and have difficult conversations and maybe come to be seen as selfish. They don’t want to be abandoned, rejected, or judged. They’re probably also afraid that if they keep things up the way they are, they’ll get burnt out by taking on too much and that they won’t live up to what they know they’re capable of and what they’re meant to do in the world. They get stuck in a cycle of giving in to others, leaving little room for their own needs—if they even know what those are. 

They’ve probably been on a personal development journey for decades and know all the things they “should” be doing but just can’t get themselves to DO them! Second-guessing themselves keeps them stuck, unable to set boundaries or make decisions. They end up taking on way too much, then get resentful and eventually explode. Typically, it works when they explode – people listen to them and respect their limits, so they think “This is how it works – I have to be a dick for people to listen to me.” And because they hate when others get upset with them, want to be liked, and don’t want to be a dick, they just give in (again) to what others want. That means they don’t ever figure out what they really want because they’re so afraid to make waves and they go along to keep the peace. The result is that they haven’t allowed themselves to explore their own interests.

For all these reasons and more, it’s exceedingly difficult for them to say no, especially with very specific people. That could be family members, themselves, close friends, and/or, authority figures. They don’t really know themselves, which means they don’t know what’s okay and not okay with them because they’ve been such a chameleon. They have this belief that it’s not okay to set limits with others and it makes them a bad person if they do. 

They think if they had just the right words to say, they’d be able to get people to do what they want. And if people would do what they want, things would go much more smoothly. But it goes much deeper than knowing the right words. It’s about believing they deserve to have their needs met, their feelings honored and their limits respected. Even if they DID have the right words, they would know how to handle pushback when they set a boundary because deep down, they don’t believe they deserve to set limits.

They also have an exceedingly difficult time asking for help, if they can do it at all. When they even think of asking for help, they might feel like they’re gonna die (that was me – no exaggeration!). They don’t want to be seen as needy or weak or a burden. They probably have a history of family dysfunction or childhood trauma, which makes focusing on themselves and believing they’re deserving almost impossible.

The reality is that things will never improve until they stop putting everyone else first. In order to create a breakthrough to get the life and relationships they truly want, they have to stop ignoring themselves and start focusing internally. This allows them to determine what they truly value, so they know what’s okay and not okay with them. Then they can communicate that to others in an empowered way, including knowing how to handle it when people push back.

Here's what you can do.

Take time to get to know what you really want out of life. I suggest you start by identifying your values. What matters to you? Those answers will guide you toward the type of decisions you want to make and the types of boundaries you need to set. If your health is important to you, then you’ll want to dedicate time, energy, and money toward your health (i.e., set boundaries to promote and support your health).

Start focusing internally and reduce how much you focus on other people, places, and things. This is especially important if you’re more invested in other people’s well-being than they are in their own well-being. If you’re more invested in someone else’s wellbeing than in YOUR own wellbeing, that’s a red flag. I suggest focusing internally by asking what you want or need in a particular situation; what you could do differently in situations that don’t go the way you want; and whether it’s really your business to step in and help others or offer advice. If not, get their consent before offering help, or better yet – wait for them to ask for your help; stop trying to manage others’ feelings, they get to be upset sometimes, it’s not your job to make them happy; take good care of yourself by filling your own cup first so you can pour from the overflow, not from an empty cup.

If you recognize yourself in this article and are tired of reading all the books, attending all the seminars, listening to all the podcasts and you lack the ability to follow through for yourself, I’ve got you! If you recognize that now’s the time for you to change your ways, I can help. I’ll take you through a structured program of action and give you tons of personalized professional boundaries coaching. If that’s you, sign up for a free call with me here. Let’s make 2025 the year you FINALLY do this for yourself and live the life you’ve imagined!

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

The Progreso Latino Fund and Long Wharf Theater invite you to join us on Wednesday, January 29th, 2025, for a special pre-show reception of Long Wharf's production of El Coqui Espectacular and The Bottle of Doom.

The pre-event reception is free, and the performance is a ticketed event (purchase through Long Wharf Theater website). 

Details:

Date - Wednesday, January 29, 2025

Location - Lyman Center at Southern Connecticut State University, 501 Crescent St, New Haven

Time - 6 pm - pre-show reception. 7 pm - performance

Plenty of free parking

The play follows iconic Puerto Rican superhero, El Coquí Espectacular, along the streets of Sunset Park, Brooklyn, where he finds himself up against supervillains and inner demons alike. Behind the mask lies Alex, a struggling comic book artist with a secret identity of his own. As he grapples with self-doubt and the lure of a steady job in advertising alongside his brother Joe, Alex must navigate the challenges of being a hero both on and off the page. This work is an exhilarating journey filled with action, humor and heart. The playwright, Matt Bardot, is Puerto Rican. 

Registration for the reception is required. Please go to :

Registration - hosted by GiveGab

We hope to see you there. 

Featuring Jennifer Davies, William Frucht, Barbara Harder, Catherine Lavoie

Author Jonathan Swift’s famous quote “everything old is new again” plays out in interesting, creative ways in the January group show at City Gallery. MAKING AND UNMAKING — featuring work by Jennifer Davies, William Frucht, Barbara Harder, and Catherine Lavoie — presents the repurposing of what was into an eclectic exhibit of textiles, fiber art and handmade papers, prints, and photography. The show is on view from January 3 - January 26, with an Opening Reception on Saturday, January 11, 2-4 p.m. (Snow date: Saturday, January 18, 2-4 p.m.)

From Davies’ reuse of “that which is not deemed precious” and Lavoie’s consideration of discarded stories, to Frucht’s photographic exploration of our abandoned past, this mixed-media show explores the “necessary refocusing of the eyes to see things in a different context, when they are no longer trash, but art.”

Jennifer Davies graduated from Rhode Island School of Design and spent a year in Rome as part of the European Honors Program. Trained as a painter and illustrator, she worked for many years in watercolors, drawing, and monotype. Now her work is largely fiber oriented, incorporating paper she makes by hand using both Eastern and Western papermaking traditions. Fiber techniques she uses are pulp dipping, indigo dyeing, and sewing papers together to make large wall hangings.

William Frucht is a photographer living in Danbury, Connecticut, and working in New Haven. His photographs have been shown in juried exhibitions in Pittsburgh, Minneapolis, New York, Lancaster, PA, Greenville, SC, and elsewhere. Locally, he has received awards from the Carriage Barn Annual Photography Show in New Canaan, The Shoreline Arts Alliance Images Show in Old Lyme, and the Parfitt Photography Exhibit of the New Hampshire Art Association, Portsmouth, NH. He has also curated two exhibits of work by the Tibetan photographer Tsering Dorje: "Forbidden Memory" at City Gallery New Haven, and "Flames of My Homeland" (co-curated with Ian Boyden and Andrew Quintman) at the Ezra and Cecile Zilkha Gallery, Wesleyan University. He has been a member of City Gallery since 2017.

Barbara Harder is a printmaker with a long history of involvement in New Haven’s arts scene as an artist, organizer, and teacher, including work at Creative Arts Workshop, Artspace, and Quinnipiac University.

Catherine Lavoie is a textile artist who explores human experience and the natural world utilizing repurposed and found objects. Recent work with bridal gowns create new life for garments that are typically worn once. Her handmade paintbrushes from pine needles and other natural elements add wispy marks to the fabric.

The MAKING AND UNMAKING exhibit is free and open to the public. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m., or by appointment. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Have you ever mistaken familiarity for comfort? Many of us live in patterns that feel “comfortable” simply because they’re familiar—but are they truly comforting?

Comfortable vs. Comforting: What’s the Difference?

I’ve had a lot of patterns and dysfunctional behaviors that were comfortable because they were so familiar, but they were not comforting. That is, they may have been easy to do but hard to get out of like a well-worn groove. These patterns were dysfunctional and didn’t lead to my wellbeing; they weren't comforting.

One of the comfortable but not comforting patterns I had that many people can identify with is eating sugar to coat my nerves. Something difficult would happen and I’d find myself at the freezer door looking for some comfort, even when I promised myself I wouldn’t.  Many of us were given sweets to treat our boo-boos when we were growing up. Food in general was the only form of love some of us experienced, so it makes sense that some of us  turn to food for comfort.

Using food to soothe your nerves might bring momentary comfort, but it erodes your wellbeing.. It’s momentarily comfortable because we get a hit of pleasure and it’s sooo familiar. Ultimately, it’s not comforting because it’s emotionally and physically unhealthy.

Another such pattern I had was ruminating about the past and catastrophizing about the future. I used to think and think and think about troublesome things. I’d relive conversations from the past, replaying them again and again as if they might somehow turn out differently if I replayed them enough. Or I’d have negative fantasies about conversations in the future: “I’m gonna say this, then she’s gonna say that, then I’ll say this…” None of these things actually happened, yet I was left with the emotional impact as if they had. And those pretend conversations impacted my relationships with the people in them, even though they never actually happened!

Until recovery, I didn't really realize I was doing all that, or that it wasn't helping! I thought I was a totally optimistic, positive person. And yet I had all these repetitive, negative thought patterns. As I began to notice how frequently I did this sort of thing, I saw how much it was harming me!

Ruminating and catastrophizing were activating my inner drug store of adrenaline and cortisol, keeping me in a state of arousal and out of the present moment. It also kept me from taking any kind of action. These were very comfortable patterns of behavior for me. I realize now that I engaged in both  my entire life. On some level, I must have figured that if I thought about things enough, I’d either change the past or prevent catastrophes in the future. Instead, I was reliving the trauma of the past and experiencing emotions from future catastrophes that hadn’t happened.

These patterns kept my body in tension and negative arousal. They also kept me inaction, which meant things never changed. All that thinking was getting me nowhere except stressed and paralyzed. So if you're doing something that's comfortable for you, I urge you to consider whether it’s comforting. Does it lead to your wellbeing? 

We are wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain (i.e., to seek comfort). However, it’s impossible to go through life without discomfort. This is especially true if we want to grow. There is discomfort that comes from stretching yourself to grow, which is different than the discomfort of dysfunction. It’s good to feel the discomfort that comes from growing, but not too much too soon. It’s not good, nor is it beneficial, to put up with the discomfort of dysfunction.

We’re constantly bombarded with messages that try to make us believe that we should feel happy and satisfied all the time, and that any discomfort is bad. Don’t get me wrong - permanent discomfort is bad. Those who grew up in a dysfunctional family often have a high tolerance for dysfunction. Personally, I put up with shit for years that I didn't have to. That is not okay and that’s not the kind of discomfort I’m talking about. 

Being okay with temporary discomfort that leads to growth is a whole different story. For example, if you need to have a difficult conversation with someone, that will be temporarily uncomfortable. But it will lead to your long-term wellbeing. When you’re able to go through a momentarily uncomfortable conversation, that will lead to the kind of life you want to live.

Actionable Steps for Real Comfort

There is a balance in terms of the level of comfort we have in our lives. It’s important to stretch out of your comfort zone and work on doing things that are comforting to yourself. They may be uncomfortable at first (especially if you have life-long pattern such as self- loathing, self-neglect or self-harm). The trick is to make the shift to doing things that are comforting like:

• taking care of yourself – get 7-8 hours of sleep per night, drink plenty of water, allow yourself time for run and relaxation
• talking kindly to yourself – look at yourself in the mirror and say something nice like you would to a friend, be gentle with yourself when you make a mistake
• setting boundaries for yourself – pick a situation where you’d normally say yes even though you want to say no and rehearse saying no in your mind. Get support from someone so you’ll actually follow through and say no in real life.
• putting yourself first – schedule one hour of time for yourself this week and follow though on it, no matter what others say or do
• reflecting on your growth – take some time to journal this week about one uncomfortable new thing you tried this week and what you learned from it.

With these types of actions, you’ll create a life that is comforting, not just comfortable. 

It’s time to leave behind the false comfort of old patterns and embrace the true comfort of a life built on self-care, growth, and kindness. The journey might be uncomfortable at first, but the freedom it brings is worth every step.

I urge you to ask yourself if  your habits are truly comforting, or just familiar? Take a moment today to reflect: What’s one “comfortable” pattern you’re ready to trade for true comfort?

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news