Photo Credit: Anna Shvets

Below are profiles of the different types of personalities I see in my work as a boundaries coach. I tend to work with professional women, so these are profiles of professional women. See if you can spot which one of these employees you are. Also, as you’re reading these, ask yourself, “Who would you rather work with?”

Approval-Seeking Andrea. Andrea is so focused on others and what they need that she says yes to things she really doesn’t want to do. Her yes’s are piling up, but that’s okay, she can handle it. She wants everyone to think highly of her, so she’d rather just deal with things on her own, even if it means she has to work late at night and on weekends. She usually puts other people’s work before hers because it’s important to her to be seen as a reliable and dependable team player. She’s exhausted most of the time so she drinks coffee and energy drinks all day long in an effort to refuel. She’s not really sure where she ends and others begin.

Ashamed Akasha. Akasha keeps doing things that she tells herself she’s never going to do again, like lying to people about dumb things just to make them think good things of her. She also sometimes cheats and steals little things because she doesn’t know how else to get what she wants. She’d die if anyone found out! She does all kinds of things to bend over backwards so people will do what she wants. Mostly she wants them to like her because she really doesn’t like herself.

Boundaried Bonita. Bonita is clear about what she’s willing to work on and not work on. She’s clear and kind about her limits with others and is generous with her time and energy as long as it fits into her schedule. She’s not afraid to share her opinion with others and only offers assistance to others when they ask for it. People trust her because they know she’ll tell them the truth if something is not okay with her. She leaves work on time about 90% of the time and seems to have a happy and rich life outside of work.

Chameleon Carmela. Carmela is a very agreeable person and is willing to go with the crowd. She doesn’t really have any preferences, she wants you to be happy. That’s what’s most important for her. Depending on who she’s dated, she’s been a fan of race car driving, wrestling, golf, the circus, and museums. She’d love to go to a Latin dance night but none of her lovers have ever wanted to do that so she just doesn’t go. As long as they’re happy, that’s all that matters.

Codependent Corie. Corie finds herself taking on everyone else’s problems to the point where she seems more concerned about their problems than they are! She’s definitely putting more effort into their problems than they are. She drops whatever she’s doing if someone needs her, which means she’s often late with work assignments. She’s really invested in being a “good person” and cares deeply what other people think of her. When she looks at other people’s lives, she doesn’t get why she doesn’t have what they seem to have. 

Enmeshed Emily. Emily’s family is really close. Everyone knows what everyone else is doing and makes sure to tell them when they’re out of line. They’re not great at feelings though. Whenever Emily starts to share things that are difficult for her she feels dismissed. When she wanted to try something new last summer, her entire family talked her out of it. What was she thinking? They’re right, I could never do that. The last few people she dated were nice enough, but she found herself doing most of the work in the relationship and they just weren’t as committed as she was. And they didn’t want to spend the time with her family that she likes to spend with them. She guesses that’s okay because she’s not really sure how to be close with others outside her family anyway.

Indirect Iris. Iris has a really hard time coming right out and saying exactly what she means and thinks about things. She finds it almost impossible to be honest when asked her opinion about things. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Meanwhile, she sometimes feels like her feelings are eating her up inside. She often finds herself over-explaining things. She’s non-committal when people bring up current events because she doesn’t want to make waves. She avoids conflict like the plague and often feels taken advantage of. The idea of standing up for herself is way too scary.

Over-Giving Octavia. Octavia is on four different advisory boards on top of being a mom, wife, manager, and caregiver for her elderly parents. Everyone counts on her, so what can she do? She has no choice but to say yes. She started a side hustle a few years ago, but it’s actually costing her money to run it because she keeps giving discounts to people because they need it more than she does. She’s kind of exhausted most of the time, but what is she going to do? This is the price you pay when you’re such a giving person.

Overwhelmed Ophelia. Ophelia often finds herself overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and shame. It seems like her guilt and shame are much bigger than other people’s, and they don’t seem to have those feelings as much as she does. Because of this, she says yes to everything and has way too much on her plate. Because she says yes all the time, people keep coming to her to ask for help. Sometimes they don’t even ask, they just dump things on her plate and she can’t handle confrontation so she just does it and stews with resentment. Inside, she doesn’t believe her needs are as important as others.

People-Pleasing Pamela. Pamela is overly concerned with what others think of her, so she frequently says things are okay with her when they’re really not. She’s really invested in people thinking she’s “nice,” so she goes out of her way to do things for others like bringing in home baked goods to work almost weekly. She bakes cakes for people when it’s their birthday, even if they’re not her close friends at work. She’s been taught that to be self-sacrificing is noble and being selfish is just about the worst thing ever. She’ll do just about anything to keep from “rocking the boat” and believes it’s important to “go along to get along.”

Rescuing Rita. Rita always seems to have someone “under her wing,” sometimes at work but usually at home or at church. Her heart bleeds for these people, especially because she’s been given so much. What kind of person would she be if she said no to those who are suffering? Besides, she probably knows what’s best for them better than they do. After all, she’s been able to be successful at work, has a nice home and car, and takes nice vacations. She feels bad for people who don’t have it as good as she does and feels obligated to help them out, even when it’s a strain for her.

Self-Assured Sofia. Sofia knows who she is and is grounded in herself. She’s not easily swayed by the opinions of others, though she’s willing to listen to them and people feel like she really hears them. She seems grounded in her very being and is not afraid to disagree with others on things that matter. She volunteers for two causes that really matter to her. She shares with others about how she’s learned to nurture and care for herself so she has the energy to give in a way that works for her and that she can sustain over the long haul.

Their-Fault Theresa. Theresa always seems to be surrounded by jerks. If only she could find just the right job, the right guy, the right neighborhood, and the right friends, then everything would be okay. She often talks of how badly people treat her, yet she keeps those people in her life for years on end. It seems like she’s waiting for them to change. She doesn’t seem to feel like she has any control over her life and just deals with things as they come up. She thinks, “Why bother planning? Shit always happens.” She believes that there’s someone out there for her who’s going to make everything better. In the meantime, she’d rather stick with a jerk than be alone.

In a workplace, it’s easy to fall into patterns that feel comfortable but that ultimately drain us. It’s important to recognize when we’re saying yes too often, neglecting our own needs, or relying on others to define us. Take a moment to reflect on which of these personalities resonates with you. Are you Approval-Seeking Andrea, Over-Giving Octavia, or perhaps Boundaried Bonita?

The good news is that we all have the ability to grow and change. If you identify with the types who struggle with boundaries, know that you’re not alone, and it’s never too late to create healthier ones. The goal isn’t perfection—it’s progress. So, who would you rather work with? And more importantly, who would you rather be? 

If you recognize yourself in these profiles and realize it’s time to change, check out “Boundaries by Design – A Blueprint for Your Life.” It’s an 8-week structured group course for women from Oct. – Dec. 2024.

16 City Gallery Members Part of New Haven Open Studios Events

City Gallery is excited to be part of the annual Open Studios event being held throughout New Haven during the month of October. All 16 City Gallery artists will participate in OPEN STUDIOS @ CITY, on view from October 4 through October 27. There will be an Opening Reception on Saturday, October 5, 2-4 p.m., as well as Artist Talks featuring:

            Rita Hannafin & Catherine Lavoie, Sunday, October 13, 2-4 p.m.
            Joy Bush & Phyllis Crowley, Sunday, October 27, 2-4 p.m.

For more than 20 years, City Gallery has served as a collective of innovative contemporary artists from the New Haven area. It is a member-run gallery featuring a wide range of visual media: painting, sculpture, photography, papermaking, fiber art, printmaking, and mixed media.

OPEN STUDIOS @ CITY is a chance to see the work of City Gallery’s newest members painter Robert Jacoby, textile artist Catherine Lavoie, and painter Sue Rollins, along with:

Judy Atlas - painter
Meg Bloom - sculptor
Joy Bush - photographer
Phyllis Crowley - photographer
Jennifer Davies - fiber artist
Roberta Friedman - painter
William Frucht - photographer
Joyce Greenfield - painter
Rita Hannafin - textile artist
Barbara Harder - printmaker
Sheila Kaczmarek - sculptor
Kathy Kane - painter
Tom Peterson - photographer

City Gallery’s exhibits rotate on a monthly schedule, giving the community an opportunity to see works by many artists in a variety of styles throughout the year. In addition, the gallery occasionally hosts work by guest artists who help to make New Haven a vibrant regional center for the arts.  These shows include MOSAIC, the summer show by a group of Yale School of Architecture graduates; Spaces Within, the 2023 Summer Invitational featuring artists Susan Clinard, Shaunda Holloway, and Linda Mickens; and Karen Klugman’s Upper State Street 1978: At the Height of Its Decline in 2022.

In an effort to showcase the diversity and talent of the local arts community, City Gallery offers a scholarship program that provides full gallery membership for two years to emerging artists who may not have the resources to become a part of a collective, member-run gallery.

The members of City Gallery are carefully selected for their accomplishments as artists, their ability to commit to maintaining a successful member-run gallery, and their fit with the group. All have distinguished resumes and have exhibited widely, and many also teach in the New Haven artistic community.

Additional Open Studios 2024 events are being held at Creative Arts Workshop, Eli Whitney Museum Barn, Ely Center of Contemporary Art, Erector Square, Highwood Square, Institute Library, Kehler Liddell Gallery, Marlin Works, NXTHVN, and in West Haven and Westville. Information on all of the events can be found at erectorsquarestudios.com.

The Open Studios @ City exhibit and events are free and open to the public and run October 4 – October 27, 2024. There will be an Opening Reception on Saturday, October 5, 2-4 p.m., as well as Artist Talks featuring Rita Hannafin & Catherine Lavoie on Sunday, October 13, 2-4 p.m., and Joy Bush & Phyllis Crowley on Sunday, October 27, 2-4 p.m.. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m. or by appointment. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

Photo Credit: Marcelo Chagas

Black-and-white thinking is a common pattern for people whose lives are chaotic, and/or who have unhealthy boundaries, addiction, compulsion, and/or obsession. This is sometimes referred to as “all or nothing” thinking or “either/or” thinking. That is, there's no gray area, things are either black or white. For example, “If I don’t get this done perfectly, I’m a failure.”

I thought in that way for a very long time, and sometimes still do. It can be a very hard mindset to spot in yourself. I’m reminded of the often-used phrase in recovery, “I can’t use my broken brain to fix my broken brain.” Sometimes, I still catch myself thinking things could only be a complete disaster or perfect. Often, I need others to remind me, “You know Barb, there ARE other options.”

This is a tough one to overcome, but it’s possible! I’ll talk about that shortly, but first, let’s talk about being in the gray area. I think of this as being able to detect nuance. The definition of nuance is “a subtle difference in shade of meaning, expression, or sound. “

When you can detect nuance, it means being able to detect teeny tiny little differences between things as opposed to bold and stark differences, like the differences between the colors black and white. The reason so many of us focus on bold and stark differences is that we deal with life in a reactive manner, which puts us into fight-or-flight mode much of the time. That means we're going by our internal programming or what I call our lizard brain.

When this happens, we're not able to think clearly because our body temporarily shuts off access to the frontal lobe, or higher order thinking part of our brain. This happens because we’re meant to ACT, not THINK when in that mode.

To be able to detect nuance, you have to be thinking clearly and be able to focus your thinking brain on the subject at hand. If you’ve spent much of your life in chaos, that means much of your life has been spent in fight or flight mode so your habitual patterns of thinking are black and white. That doesn’t mean you can’t ever detect nuance. It means your go-to is this distorted mode of thinking in stark terms.

One of the solutions to this mode of thinking is to get other people’s perspectives. It’s through talking with others who have said, “You know Barb, there are other options” that I’ve sometimes been able to see my black-and-white thinking. If you need help with reaching out to others so you can get other perspectives, I recommend you read this article, which is about how to start reaching out to others even when you’ve never done so.

You can also train yourself to see nuance in other ways. Slowing things down, sort of like playing a video in slow motion, allows you to see things you miss at regular speed. That means pausing so you can pay close attention to your life.

You can’t be dissociated, you need to be present to detect nuance. You can't do those things when your nervous system is activated. This is why black-and-white thinking is so problematic and so common with people who have poor boundaries. When we have poor boundaries, we’re typically reacting to what life brings to us rather than purposely choosing how to live. We’re reactive rather than proactive. 

In addition to not being able to detect nuance when we're activated, we're also not able to describe nuance when talking about our experiences. For example, if things were good or bad, or if that person was really nice or an asshole. Nothing in between exists in our language when we think like this. We can’t see situations or people as having both good and bad qualities. 

If you want to move away from black-and-white thinking so you can detect and articulate the nuanced experiences of life, slow down so you can become present. It may help you to ground yourself. Typically, grounding refers to consciously connecting to the gravitational pull of the earth (feel your feet on the floor or ground, and consciously observe that connection). It may also help to ground yourself by connecting with your senses, like observing five things you can see or the faintest sound you can detect. 

In terms of slowing down, pausing is the best technique I’ve found. It’s the #1 most important tool I learned is recovery because I can’t employ any other tools if I haven’t paused. When we slow down, we can catch our breath which tells our bodies “I’m safe.” When we can’t catch our breath, it feels like we’re under threat and unsafe which triggers fight or flight mode. Pausing allows us to come out of fight or flight mode so we can become present and get clarity of mind.

Many of us have this distorted thinking pattern where we can only “see” things in stark terms that have a lot of contrast between them: good/bad, either/or, black/white. Life is much more  nuanced or “gray.” To get to nuanced thinking, get others’ perspectives, slow down and get present so you can come out of flight or flight mode, and allow your brain to access your frontal lobe so you can detect the nuances of life.

Remember that changes like this are also nuanced. You’re not likely to make the shift immediately or forever. It will happen in stages and setbacks are likely. When that happens, remember to pause and perhaps reach out to others to find out how they deal with their black-and-white thinking. Modes of thinking such as this are insidious and it takes dedication to overcome them, but it can be done. Appreciating all the gray, nuanced areas is a much more satisfying and pleasant way to live than only seeing the stark contrasts of life.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

Photo Credit: Andrej Lisakov

The most important thing that enabled me to go from 50+ years of having no boundaries to having healthy boundaries was this: I made the shift from being super concerned with what others think of me to becoming more concerned with what I think of myself.

This doesn't mean I don't care at all what others think of me (of course I do, I'm human). What it means is that I used to be willing to throw my integrity out the window by lying and saying yes to things I didn't want to do. I’d volunteer for things I didn't really want to do. I wanted to be helpful for sure, but “wanting to be helpful” doesn’t explain why I over-gave to the point of being resentful and exhausted. It became over-giving because I cared so much about what other people thought of me. I didn’t want them to think I was a bad person, uncaring or unhelpful. 

I wanted them to think good things of me, like that I’m helpful, giving, and dependable. I didn't understand any of this at the time though. I thought I was “nice” and that was my motivation. I didn’t realize I was so invested in what other people thought of me.

This came to my awareness when I asked someone to help me understand how helpfulness turns into rescuing. I told her that I understood there’s a continuum of helpfulness that’s something like this:

And that I understood the difference between the two ends pretty clearly. I was confused about the middle part of the continuum. For example, how do you know when you’ve switched from being “helpful” to “rescuing” someone? She said, “It depends on your motives: why are you helping? It is truly to be helpful or is it so they’ll like you?”

I told her I was doing it to be helpful. But after a while her question percolated in my mind and I realized, “Holy shit! I really am doing it because I want them to like me!” Actually, it wasn’t so much that they’d like me, it was that I wanted them to think good things of me, like that I'm nice, helpful, and smart. I definitely didn’t want them to think I was a bad person. That would have been the worst!

I came to realize was willing to throw my integrity out the window for the chance that people would like me. I’d lie and say yes when I didn’t want to. I’d say I didn’t like things that I did for fear of what others would think. 

I was overwhelmed and exhausted from bending over backwards for other people. I had a sense of urgency all the time because I was trying to live a bunch of other people’s lives rather than just my own life. I came to realize I had a sense of urgency all the time when I heard someone in recovery use that phrase. Until then, that’s just how life was, I didn’t know any different. Once I identified it, I realized that it might be possible to live a life without a sense of urgency.

What happened over time is that I started living in line with my values. That means I say yes to things that light me up and no to things that don't. By living in alignment with my values, I’ve shored up my integrity. What that means is that *I* like me. 

I like myself now because I’m no longer lying, AND I’m doing things that light me up. I’m not doing things that drain me. I don’t do things that go against my values the way I used to because I was afraid of what others would think. Now, if I don’t agree with something, it's a lot easier for me to stand up for myself because I like myself and am invested in my own integrity. I’m less invested in what others think of me.

If want to live your life on purpose and have your own back, that won’t be possible if you don’t give a shit about yourself. This is what I mean when I say I've come to care more about what I think of myself than what other people think of me.

For me, the process of building healthy boundaries was about figuring out what I like and not like. Then, figuring out how to live my life such that there are more things I like in it and less the things that I don't like in it. Once I know those things, then -  how do I communicate that to other people?

It’s an experimental process to figure all this out, especially if you've been a lifelong people pleaser/chameleon like me. If you don’t really know what you like, you’ll have to experiment to figure that out. Once you know those things, then you’ll know where and when to set your boundaries. You’ll do it in such a way that you do more of what you like and less (or none) of what you don’t. 

You may have heard me talk about how I was a NY Giants fan, a Dallas Cowboys fan twice, and a New England Patriots fan because of who I was dating at the time. But really, I don't give a shit about football! Before I had healthy boundaries, I didn't even allow myself to realize that. I wanted to be a “good girlfriend.”

I had to figure out what I liked (Hallmark movies, not football) in order to be able to set boundaries around that stuff. That whole process was me getting to know myself: what I like, don’t like, want, need, prefer, what I value – what’s important to ME.  Only then was I able to stand up for myself because I knew who I was.

That whole process helped me to care much more about what I think of myself because I know that I’m an honest woman of integrity now. I'm living in alignment with my values so what you think of me isn't so important anymore. I want you to like me, but I don’t need you to like me the way I used to, because I like me. 

Join us at an upcoming public workshop! We will be at Wilson Library (303 Washington Avenue) on September 28th from 1pm-3pm.

Kid-friendly and food is provided!

Please help us get the word out to your friends, family, and neighbors!

https://newhavenvision2034.com/

Están invitados a nuestro próximo taller para Visión 2034, el Plan Integral de New Haven. Estaremos en la biblioteca Wilson (303 Washington Avenue) el 28 de septiembre de 13 a 15. .

Niños bienvenidos y ofrecemos comida!

¡Por favor ayúdenos correr la voz a sus amigos, familia, y vecinos!