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The most important thing that enabled me to go from 50+ years of having no boundaries to having healthy boundaries was this: I made the shift from being super concerned with what others think of me to becoming more concerned with what I think of myself.
This doesn't mean I don't care at all what others think of me (of course I do, I'm human). What it means is that I used to be willing to throw my integrity out the window by lying and saying yes to things I didn't want to do. I’d volunteer for things I didn't really want to do. I wanted to be helpful for sure, but “wanting to be helpful” doesn’t explain why I over-gave to the point of being resentful and exhausted. It became over-giving because I cared so much about what other people thought of me. I didn’t want them to think I was a bad person, uncaring or unhelpful.
I wanted them to think good things of me, like that I’m helpful, giving, and dependable. I didn't understand any of this at the time though. I thought I was “nice” and that was my motivation. I didn’t realize I was so invested in what other people thought of me.
This came to my awareness when I asked someone to help me understand how helpfulness turns into rescuing. I told her that I understood there’s a continuum of helpfulness that’s something like this:
And that I understood the difference between the two ends pretty clearly. I was confused about the middle part of the continuum. For example, how do you know when you’ve switched from being “helpful” to “rescuing” someone? She said, “It depends on your motives: why are you helping? It is truly to be helpful or is it so they’ll like you?”
I told her I was doing it to be helpful. But after a while her question percolated in my mind and I realized, “Holy shit! I really am doing it because I want them to like me!” Actually, it wasn’t so much that they’d like me, it was that I wanted them to think good things of me, like that I'm nice, helpful, and smart. I definitely didn’t want them to think I was a bad person. That would have been the worst!
I came to realize was willing to throw my integrity out the window for the chance that people would like me. I’d lie and say yes when I didn’t want to. I’d say I didn’t like things that I did for fear of what others would think.
I was overwhelmed and exhausted from bending over backwards for other people. I had a sense of urgency all the time because I was trying to live a bunch of other people’s lives rather than just my own life. I came to realize I had a sense of urgency all the time when I heard someone in recovery use that phrase. Until then, that’s just how life was, I didn’t know any different. Once I identified it, I realized that it might be possible to live a life without a sense of urgency.
What happened over time is that I started living in line with my values. That means I say yes to things that light me up and no to things that don't. By living in alignment with my values, I’ve shored up my integrity. What that means is that *I* like me.
I like myself now because I’m no longer lying, AND I’m doing things that light me up. I’m not doing things that drain me. I don’t do things that go against my values the way I used to because I was afraid of what others would think. Now, if I don’t agree with something, it's a lot easier for me to stand up for myself because I like myself and am invested in my own integrity. I’m less invested in what others think of me.
If want to live your life on purpose and have your own back, that won’t be possible if you don’t give a shit about yourself. This is what I mean when I say I've come to care more about what I think of myself than what other people think of me.
For me, the process of building healthy boundaries was about figuring out what I like and not like. Then, figuring out how to live my life such that there are more things I like in it and less the things that I don't like in it. Once I know those things, then - how do I communicate that to other people?
It’s an experimental process to figure all this out, especially if you've been a lifelong people pleaser/chameleon like me. If you don’t really know what you like, you’ll have to experiment to figure that out. Once you know those things, then you’ll know where and when to set your boundaries. You’ll do it in such a way that you do more of what you like and less (or none) of what you don’t.
You may have heard me talk about how I was a NY Giants fan, a Dallas Cowboys fan twice, and a New England Patriots fan because of who I was dating at the time. But really, I don't give a shit about football! Before I had healthy boundaries, I didn't even allow myself to realize that. I wanted to be a “good girlfriend.”
I had to figure out what I liked (Hallmark movies, not football) in order to be able to set boundaries around that stuff. That whole process was me getting to know myself: what I like, don’t like, want, need, prefer, what I value – what’s important to ME. Only then was I able to stand up for myself because I knew who I was.
That whole process helped me to care much more about what I think of myself because I know that I’m an honest woman of integrity now. I'm living in alignment with my values so what you think of me isn't so important anymore. I want you to like me, but I don’t need you to like me the way I used to, because I like me.
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By Ryan O’Connor, Director of Programs, 8 80 Cities Recently 8 80 Cities wrote a blog post about open streets being a labour of love. That being the case, the 2018 Open Streets Summit in New Orleans felt like a family reunion of sorts. It was rejuvenating to see old and new friends who share our passion for open streets and are working tirelessly to create healthier, happier, and more connected communities across the world. The event, which took place on September 15-16, brought together more than 50 leaders who currently organize open streets programs or are interested in bringing the...
The post An Open Streets Family Reunion: Reflections from the 2018 Open Streets Summit appeared first on Open Streets Project.
We hope you are getting ready and feel excited about the Open Streets Summit in Gretna/New Orleans! Taking place from September 15-16, 2018, the Summit will feature tours, presentations and networking opportunities with open streets champions and organizers from across the continent. Attendees will learn about the nuts and bolts of starting or scaling up open streets programs, including: Route design and planning Partnerships with business and officials Social inclusion Safety and logistics Marketing and promotion Program evaluation through measurable goals and metrics If you haven’t done it yet, click here to register for the Open Streets Summit only or...
The post Open Streets Summit Draft Agenda appeared first on Open Streets Project.
The Open Streets Project is proud to announce that Ed Solis from Viva Calle (San Jose, CA), Romel Pascual from CicLAvia (Los Angeles, CA), Jaymie Santiago and Charles Brown from New Brunswick Ciclovia will join us as speakers for the 2018 Open Streets Summit in New Orleans and Gretna! Taking place from September 15-16 2018, the Summit will feature: Behind the scenes tour of the City of Gretna’s inaugural open streets program. Workshops, presentations, and networking opportunities with open streets champions and organizers from across the continent. Training and inspiration for both -novice and experienced- open streets organizers and supporters...
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