How to Go From Chemistry to Compatibility: Build Sustainable Love with Boundaries

[Barb Nangle]

Do you have a history of dysfunctional romantic relationships? Me too! Until my current relationship, that is. Maybe you're skipping a phase or two of healthy relationships, I know I was.

Many thanks to Tad Hargrave of Marketing for Hippies for creating this model and sharing it.

One thing that many of my boundaries coaching clients have in common is that they skip the stage of “compatibility” in their romantic relationships and often have an abbreviated “courting” phase. One of my clients described a recent relationship by saying they went from “wooing to being like an old married couple.”

Some of my clients even skip the courting phase entirely.

I get it. This was me too. Until now. Now I’m in a healthy romantic relationship and have been for years. We went through all four phases, which was the first time in my 55 years of life and dozens of relationships. And we keep the chemistry phase alive by making sure there’s still some courting. I attribute my ability to do that to having healthy boundaries. I know who I am. I know what’s okay with me and what’s not okay with me.   Why does progressing through all four phases matter?   Here’s why, because when you skip the compatibility phase, you’re not set up for long-term success. You may THINK “this is it” and you’re going to make it for the long haul, but you’ve got a bunch of subconscious things going on. Typically, the (subconscious) thinking goes like this:   “I only feel okay if YOU’RE okay, so I put all my energy into making SURE you’re okay.” This is UNSUSTAINABLE. “Truth be told, I REALLY only feel okay if YOU’RE okay with ME. But you pretty much HAVE TO be okay with yourself first, so #1 is required.” “I therefore come into the relationship to be at your beck and call and to meet all your needs. I probably act like I don’t have any needs myself.” This is UNSUSTAINABLE. “I eventually resent you because none of MY needs are getting met and ALL of your needs are getting me (even thought *I* set it up this way).”   Sound familiar?? Here’s what’s going on: You’re almost entirely other-focused. And when you’re other-focused, it’s pretty much impossible to have a sense of self. If you don’t have a sense of self, you don’t know what’s okay with you and what’s not okay with you. When you don’t know that, you don’t know what you’re truly responsible for and what you’re not responsible for. So you're a chameleon. There’s no way to know what’s compatible for you when you’re constantly accommodating others’ preferences and desires. The reason I believe boundaries are the key to being able to sustain healthy romantic relationships over the long haul is that boundaries define our very identity. Through the process of building healthy boundaries, we learn what we like and don’t like, what’s okay and not okay, what we’re responsible for and what we’re not responsible for. We also learn to communicate those things to people in ways that don’t make us want to shit our pants because we are grounded in ourselves, in our own lives and in our own bodies. If all this sounds waaaay too familiar and you're tired of this pattern, check out "Boundaries by Design - A Blueprint for Life." This is an 8-week coaching course for women that runs from Oct. - Dec. There will be a max of 12 women in the group.