Integrity Is an Internal Boundary

Years ago, when I first got into recovery, I became fascinated with the word integrity. So I looked it up. I was surprised to see that the dictionary had two different definitions.

The first is the one most people think of. Integrity means being honest, having strong moral principles, and doing what you say you’re going to do. The second definition is the state of being whole and undivided. Engineers talk about the structural integrity of a bridge. If there are cracks in the structure, the bridge can collapse.

That second definition felt somewhat familiar, but I couldn’t quite put my finer on it. I eventually realized it was familiar because my internal experience before recovery felt exactly like that: fragmented, not whole. And thus it became the name of my podcast.

Read the rest at your own pace here

Discipline Equals Freedom, But Not the Way I Used to Think

Years ago, I recorded a podcast episode called Discipline Equals Freedom. And I meant it.

Back then, I was talking about structure. Food plans. Dating plans. Financial reserves. Time management. Putting systems in place so you didn’t have to make the same decisions over and over again. I still stand behind that.

Structure does create freedom. Planning ahead does reduce chaos. Clear rules of engagement do reduce anxiety.

That episode was true for where I was at the time. But my understanding of discipline has evolved. Today, when I say discipline equals freedom, I’m not talking primarily about external structure. I’m talking about internal boundaries. I’m talking about the discipline of not abandoning yourself in the presence of emotion. And that kind of discipline creates a deeper kind of freedom.

At first, I thought discipline meant grit, hustle, white knuckling your way through discomfort. Doing things you don’t want to do when you don’t want to do them. And while there’s some truth in that, that’s not what discipline means to me anymore.

Now, I see discipline through the lens of internal boundaries.  And from that perspective, discipline doesn’t feel harsh. It feels like safety, like staying with yourself until things make sense from the inside. It feels like not abandoning yourself in the presence of emotion. That’s the discipline that creates freedom.

The Discipline of Not Leaving Yourself

When most people hear the word discipline, they might think like I did about external things like food plans, workout routines, budgets, time management systems. Those are external structures. Internal discipline is different.

Internal discipline is what happens in the invisible moments. It’s the moment when someone is upset with you and your nervous system wants to rush in and “fix it.” It’s the moment when your mind starts living into the wreckage of the future. It’s the moment when guilt floods your body after you say no.

Internal discipline sounds like this:

Pause.
Stay.
Breathe.
Do not collapse.
Do not rescue.
Do not spin.
Do not self-abandon.

Those are internal boundaries. And they require discipline.

Read the rest at your own pace here.

Emotions, Emotional Boundaries, and the Stories Your Mind Tells

I want to start by sharing something that happened a while ago. It showed me that the tendency toward rescuing and fixing doesn’t necessarily disappear just because we’ve done a lot of work.

But what does change is this:

We’re no longer compelled to act on it.

Here’s what happened. I live in a condo complex. My doors were open, and I heard a child outside on the phone. It sounded like he was telling someone his mom wasn’t home and he was going to be late.

And my first thought was: “I could drive him.”

Now. I have no idea who this child is. I’ve never heard this voice before. I don’t know the situation. And I needed to leave for a meeting in ten minutes.

But my nervous system moved toward rescuing immediately. That’s my first thought. And here’s a saying I learned early in recovery that came in really handy in that moment:

“I’m not responsible for my first thought, but I am responsible for my second thought and for what I do next.”

What changed in recovery wasn’t that the rescuing impulse disappeared entirely. What changed is that I can notice it without acting on it. And I can notice it without attacking myself for having it.

That right there is emotional boundary work. Because emotional boundaries aren’t just about other people’s feelings. They’re about how you relate to your own emotions.

Here’s what’s important about that story. My first thought was to move toward someone else’s discomfort. That’s what I used to do with emotion too. If I felt anxious, I didn’t stay with the anxiety. I moved away from it. Sometimes by rescuing. Sometimes by replaying the past. Sometimes by inventing worst case scenarios.

And this is the part that took me years to understand: All of those behaviors are attempts to manage discomfort.

When I heard that child, my system was trying to reduce anxiety by taking control. That’s what rescuing is. It’s control disguised as helpfulness.

And when I don’t act that impulse out externally, that same anxiety energy can turn inward. It can become rumination. It can become catastrophizing. Rescuing, ruminating, and catastrophizing are all attempts to manage emotion when we don’t feel steady inside.

They’re different behaviors. Same root.

Read the rest at your own pace here.

One of the most difficult parts of setting boundaries isn’t deciding what to say.

It’s dealing with what you feel. Sometimes even before you say it. And definitely after you say it.

In my experience, the number one thing that stops people from setting boundaries isn’t a lack of skill. It’s guilt and shame. It’s that tight, nauseous feeling in your stomach that says, “You’re being selfish.”

Let’s start by normalizing something.

If you feel guilt and shame when you set boundaries, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re changing.

If you grew up in enmeshment, where everyone was in everyone else’s business, boundaries can feel like betrayal. If you grew up in emotional abandonment, boundaries can feel like you’re leaving someone alone the way you were left alone. If you grew up with both like I did, setting boundaries can feel even more overwhelming.

Healthy boundaries live in the middle. They’re not enmeshment. They’re not abandonment. They’re healthy separation with connection.

But if you’ve never experienced that middle, it doesn’t feel like healthy separation. It feels like abandonment.

So of course guilt shows up and shame flares.

The question isn’t how to eliminate those feelings overnight. The question is how to build the capacity to handle them. And eventually, how to reduce them at the root.

Here’s how.

Read the rest at your own pace here.

One of my clients recently asked me for concrete examples of emotional availability and vulnerability.

She said something like this: “I show empathy. I validate people. I listen. I’m curious. I really try to be there. So why do I keep ending up with emotionally unavailable people?”

It’s such an honest question. And it’s one I was perplexed by for years before recovery.

Back then, I believed emotionally unavailable men were attracted to me. That part was true. What I didn’t see at the time was the other half of the equation.

That I was not just attracting them, I was also attracted TO them.

What I eventually figured out was that the reason all that was happening was the *I* was emotionally unavailable. And that makes total sense, because what emotionally available person would be attracted to and stay in relationship with someone who’s emotionally unavailable?

This was completely subconscious, of course.

If this is stirring something, you can read the rest at your own pace here.

A quick note in case this connects for you — my live workshop Boundaries for Real Love is coming up later this month.

We’ll be looking at the quiet ways people override themselves in relationships and what supports staying present without force.

Details are here if you’d like to take a look.

When Other People’s Feelings Feel Like Yours

One of the most common themes I see with my clients and one I lived inside for decades is this experience of feeling other people’s feelings.

It’s hard to explain unless you’ve lived it.

It’s like being permeable. Like there’s no membrane between you and the emotional world around you. Other people’s emotions don’t just register. They enter. They move through you. They take up residence.

And when that’s your experience, there’s an unspoken rule running the show.

If they’re not okay, I can’t be okay. And if they’re not okay with me, I really can’t be okay.

Even if you don’t literally feel other people’s emotions in your body, many of us still act as if we’re responsible for them.

Someone’s upset and we rush to fix it. Someone’s disappointed and we scramble to soothe. Someone’s uncomfortable and we contort ourselves to make it better.

That impulse can look kind. And sometimes it is.

But not when they haven’t asked for support. Not when someone needs space to grieve. Not when discomfort is actually part of their process.

If you recognize yourself here, one simple and powerful pause is this question:

“Do you want to be cheered up right now?”

And another, even more important one:

“Am I responding to their pain… or am I reacting to my own discomfort that stems from their discomfort?”

Read the rest at your own pace here.

One of the most painful patterns I see, both in my own life and in my work with clients, is this
we often end up sabotaging the very thing we want most.

Nowhere is this more true than in romantic relationships.

We long for connection, security, belonging, intimacy.
And yet, without realizing it, we behave in ways that quietly undermine those very desires.

Let me show you what I mean.

First example.

I once worked with a client who was reflecting on his friendships with other young men when he was younger. What he wanted from those relationships was completely understandable
security, belonging, identity, validation. He was looking for models of healthy masculinity and hoping to feel anchored in a group.

What actually happened was the opposite.

Those friendships didn’t just fade. They ended painfully. He was bullied. Pushed out. Shamed. Everything he had hoped to gain was taken from him.

As he looked more honestly at his part, something important became clear. He wasn’t truly present in those relationships. He had an unspoken end goal. He was there to get something rather than to be something.

That wasn’t a moral failing. It was all he knew how to do at the time.

This is one of my favorite phrases from recovery
info, not ammo.

This awareness wasn’t something to beat himself up with. It was information. And it changed everything.

Second example.

A friend of mine in recovery often explains this pattern through the lens of our instinctual drives. We’re wired for things like security, reputation, and belonging. Those drives are not the problem.

But when they get out of balance, or when we act from fear around them, we often sabotage ourselves.

Take reputation, for example. If we’re desperate to be seen a certain way, we might exaggerate, embellish, or outright lie. And eventually, when the truth comes out, the very reputation we were trying to protect is damaged.

The thing we wanted most becomes the thing we destroy.

Third example.

This one shows up constantly in romantic relationships.

Many of us carry a deep fear of abandonment. We don’t want to be left. We don’t want to be discarded. We want to matter.

And yet, without realizing it, we abandon ourselves.

We ignore our needs. We silence our truth. We shape shift to keep the connection. And when we do that, abandonment is baked right into the relationship.

Because we aren’t really there.

The real us never arrives. And so we often find ourselves drawn to people who abandon us in familiar ways.

The very thing we fear becomes the thing we recreate.

Read the rest at your own pace here.

I once had a conversation with a sponsee who was sitting with a knot in her stomach. That conversation has stuck with me for years, and I’ve used it in coaching sessions with my clients.

She’d gifted a significant amount of money to one of her adult children. Her older child had always been financially independent. Paid their own way through college. Came up with their own down payment. Never needed rescuing.

Her younger child had a very different history, including mental health issues. Over the years, my sponsee spent a lot of money getting the younger child out of trouble. Bailing them out. Saving them. Trying to help.

What she was worried about wasn’t the money itself.

It was this question: What happens if my younger child finds out I gifted the money to their sibling?

That question opened the door to a conversation that feels especially important when we’re talking about romantic relationships too. The difference between privacy and secrecy.

At first glance, they can look the same. Both involve not telling someone everything. But emotionally, they come from very different places.

Read the rest at your own pace here.

I Thought I Was a Great Communicator. I Was Wrong.

For a long time, I believed I was excellent at communicating.

Before recovery, I was a program coordinator at Yale University, managing complex initiatives across as many as 25 schools at a time. I kept information flowing between administrators, educators, partners, and stakeholders. Things ran smoothly. People knew what they needed to know. Deadlines were met.

So I assumed that meant I was a great communicator.

What I didn’t realize was that I was only good at communicating about work.

Interpersonally, especially in close relationships, I was a mess.

I communicated indirectly. I talked to people who weren’t actually involved in the situation. I hinted. I circled. I beat around the bush. I expected people to know things simply because I had decided they should know them.

And when I didn’t understand what someone meant, instead of asking a clarifying question, I filled in the gaps myself. Usually with a story where they had bad intentions and I was about to be hurt, dismissed, or taken advantage of.

That way of communicating quietly wrecked my relationships. Romantic ones especially.

Recovery changed that. Not because I suddenly became “better” at communication, but because I was forced to practice it differently.

Read the rest at your own pace here.

I had a conversation with a newcomer in recovery recently that landed like a perfect case study for romantic relationships. It was one of those moments where two lessons I teach all the time showed up in real life, fully formed.

Those lessons are:

1. Let go of your expectations of others and meet your own needs.
2. Stop making things mean things that they don’t.

Here’s the situation.

She and her boyfriend recently broke up and decided to try again. As part of that, she’s sometimes staying over on weekends in the home they used to share.

One of the problems they’ve always had is that even when they lived together, they didn’t actually spend much quality time together. Life got filled with logistics. Chores. Managing the household. There wasn’t much romance, and there wasn’t much attention paid to the relationship itself.

And no relationship survives long term without attention, affection, and care.

But there’s one issue that keeps coming up over and over:
The bathroom.

She wants him to clean it. Not just clean it, but clean it to her standards. And not just clean it, but want to clean it.

Read the rest at your own pace here.

January is a time when many people quietly take stock of their romantic relationships.

Not just whether they’re partnered or single, but how they show up inside connection. How much they give. How much they tolerate. How safe they feel being fully themselves.

One pattern I see again and again, especially among thoughtful, capable, caring women, is this:

We carry invisible contracts into love.

These contracts aren’t conscious, and they’re rarely questioned. They sound like:

• If I love enough, this will work out.
• If I choose the right person, I’ll finally feel safe.
• If the relationship fails, it must mean I missed something.
• If I’m truly devoted, I should be willing to sacrifice.

Most of the time, we don’t realize we’re operating under these rules. They live under the surface, shaping what we give, what we excuse, and how much of ourselves we’re willing to put at risk.

Here’s the truth I want to offer at the start of this month. Read the rest at your own pace here.

I had a conversation recently that reminded me of something I learned the hard way. A man in recovery told me he finally understood that his expectations were the very thing upsetting him. But he didn’t know how to stop having them. He couldn’t imagine moving through the world without them.

I remember feeling the same way. People in recovery would say, "expectations are premeditated resentments." I agreed with them (in theory) and had absolutely no idea how to live that way in practice.

How do you walk through life, especially with family, and not expect people to act a certain way? How do you let go of the exact outcomes you’re sure would make things easier?!

What I’ve learned is that peace never comes from controlling other people. It comes from...Read more

by Barb Nangle, Boundaries Coach, Speaker and Podcaster

photo credit: Liana S.

How to Purify the Well: From Negative Self-Talk to Loving Yourself

If you’ve heard me speak before, you may remember this metaphor: negative self-talk is like poison in the well. It seeps into everything. And when we stop the self-hate, the guilt, the critical voice in our heads, it’s like we stop adding more poison to that well.

But if we want to actually purify that well, not just stop the damage but actively heal it, we have to do more. That’s where affirmations come in. They act like a fast-track filtration system for your inner world.

I know. If you think affirmations sound cheesy or fake, I hear you. I used to think that too. But what I’ve learned in over a decade of recovery is this: just because I think something doesn’t mean it’s true. In fact, the opposite is often true, especially when it comes to what I think about myself.   Read more...

The most important thing I want to offer you today is hope. Because when you have hope, you have a reason to keep going. And once you have even a glimmer of hope, I want to give you practical tools and mindset shifts that can help you change your behavior, so you can actually realize the future you’re starting to believe is possible.

I want you to have hope because I know what it’s like to be without it. I’ve been there. In fact, I’ve been there more than once. One particular time that stands out happened years before I found recovery.

I had met a man with the intention of casually dating—neither of us was looking for anything serious. He literally had a little black book. But somehow, we unexpectedly fell in love. At least, that’s what I thought at the time. Looking back, I can see it was a deeply codependent relationship. I was rescuing him from his emotional turmoil, and that dynamic felt familiar.

After several months together, we were talking about spending the rest of our lives together. And then—out of nowhere—he dumped me. I was absolutely devastated. At 38, I had never experienced heartbreak like that. I pined for him for months. And then, just as unexpectedly, he came back. He apologized, said he’d done some soul searching, and I took him back. I even told him, “Don’t you ever f***ing do that again, because I won’t take you back a second time.”

Well… a few months later, he proposed. I said yes. And a few months after that, he dumped me again.

That second time, as painful as it was, actually hurt less. And here’s why: the first time, I had hope. Hope that he’d return, hope that we’d fix things, hope that my aching heart would be made whole again. The second time? I had no hope. I knew he wasn’t coming back because I had told him so. And that absence of hope allowed me to start healing faster.

For years, I carried the belief that “hope sucks.” That hope was what hurt me. But eventually, I saw the truth: it wasn’t hope that hurt me—it was heartbreak.

So how did I go from believing that “hope sucks” to making hope my mission?

I honestly believe it was my daily gratitude practice. At the time of that breakup, I was less than two years into it—it was still new for me. But it was this consistent focus on what I was grateful for, day after day, that slowly transformed my mindset. Gratitude helped me see good things even when life felt unbearable. It shifted the way I saw the world. And over time, it helped me fall in love with hope again.

Here’s what I know now: hope is not dangerous—it’s life-giving. I once heard a poem that described grief as a cave. But the truth is, grief—and pain in general—is more like a tunnel. You may not be able to see the light on the other side, but it is there. You’re not stuck. You’re just in a place that has another way out.

A cave has no exit except the way you came in. A tunnel has an end—even if it’s out of sight. That’s hope.

So if you’re feeling lost, broken, or stuck—whether it’s from heartbreak, grief, or life just not turning out the way you hoped—I want you to know: you’re in a tunnel, not a cave. Keep going.

And one of the best ways I’ve found to keep going? Cultivating a gratitude practice.

Start small and repeat it. Make it a routine—maybe listing five things you’re grateful for every morning or evening, or every time you brush your teeth. If consistency feels out of reach right now, begin by making a gratitude list whenever you're upset. It shifts your focus and trains your brain to look for the good.

You can also try an A-to-Z gratitude list—write all the letters of the alphabet in a column, and list something you're grateful for next to each one. I have more detailed suggestions in my podcast episode #11, my gratitude journaling article, and the 6-minute video I made for Toastmasters.

I promise you—if you practice gratitude regularly, it will cultivate an attitude of gratitude. And that attitude will sprout hope in your life. It will give you real, tangible evidence that good things exist—even in the hardest times.

You’ll start to see that you’re not in a cave. You’re in a tunnel.

And when you go as far as you can see, you’ll get there—and see further.

Martin Luther King Jr. said it best: “Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase—just take the first step.”

You don’t have to see the whole path. Just believe it exists.

Let my story be a reminder that transformation is possible. You can change. Your life can change. You just need to take the first step—and hold onto hope.

Have you ever set a boundary with someone who didn’t honor it, and then you did nothing about it? That was me when I first started setting boundaries. I thought I could just state my boundary and people who honor it. I was shocked when that didn’t happen, and blamed the other person for not honoring my boundary.

What I came to understand is that my boundaries are mine. I’m in charge of them. If you set a boundary and you don't follow through with any consequences if someone violates your boundary, then it wasn’t a true boundary. It was you hoping or wishing the person would change.

In this essay, I’m going to share about what happens when we don’t follow through on our boundaries by following through with consequences, what consequences might be, why people don’t honor our boundaries, and how to set consequences.

Lack of Consequences for Yourself

Somebody in a workshop once asked me, “What are the consequences when I don't honor the boundaries for myself?” I hadn’t thought of that until they asked, so I want to tackle that one first. Then I’ll talk about the lack of consequences for the boundaries we set with others

When we set boundaries for ourselves and we don't honor them, we receive natural consequences. That is, the shitty stuff that you experience from not honoring your own boundaries will keep occurring. 

For example, if your boundary for yourself is, “I am no longer going to eat an entire bag of potato chips, I’m only going to eat the serving size listed on the bag.” If  you violate your own boundary and eat the  entire bag of potato chips,  then your consequences are 

• The physical feeling of ingesting an entire bag of potato chips 
• The emotional feelings of being disappointed in yourself by not showing up for yourself
• feeling like you can't trust yourself to take care of yourself 

Those things suck! They might not feel like consequences because that's what you've been experiencing all along. But they are consequences. Your current life is the result of the boundaries you’ve either set or not set so far. If your life feels out of control and you’re full of resentment, chances are you have poor (or no) boundaries.

Lack of Consequences for Others

One of the most popular myths I hear from clients about boundaries is that they think that if they set boundaries with others, they will somehow be able to control those people’s behavior. That's not true at all. Boundaries are YOU. You decide what you want, like, need, will tolerate, etc. 

Then you decide how you’re going to go about getting those things in your life. You're in charge of making that happen because it’s your life. Thinking of boundaries like this: a healthy boundary is like having a fence with a gate in it. It's not a fortress made of brick that has a mote around it. It's like a fence that’s flexible, and it has a gate which you keep watch over. You're the gatekeeper.

What that means is you're in charge of the boundary and the “property” inside the boundary (i.e., your life). If someone is trampling your property, it’s because you left the gate open and let them in. You're in charge. You can't farm that responsibility out to someone else and make them be in charge. Only you can manage your property; you're your own property manager. You can't subcontract that out to someone else because they're your boundaries.

You can't expect other people to enforce your boundaries for you. If you ask someone to do something and they don't, then you need to do something about it. They don’t. If you're going to do nothing about it, then that's just your wishing or hoping they’ll change just because you asked them to. That’s not a boundary.

When I say “What you’re going to do about it,” I’m talking about consequences. Most of the time, the initial consequence is that you repeat the boundary. For example, if you requested that someone not do something and they do, your initial consequence would likely be you saying, “I asked you not to do that.”

Why People Don’t Honor Our Boundaries

I want to take a moment here to say something about why people don't honor our boundaries. There are some people who are toxic, inebriated, have personality disorders or who have really horrible boundaries themselves. These people may be incapable of honoring other people's boundaries. But these types of people are extremely rare. If you find you have a lot of these kinds of people in your life, you’re the common denominator. And I mean the most empowering way, not in a deprecating way. That is, if you're the common denominator, then you have some control over these situations. What I mean by that is you can actually change yourself, but you can't change other people. If other people really were your problem, then you'd be screwed! But if you’re the common denominator, you can start making changes by setting boundaries. This will have a ripple effect on your life and relationships.

I’ll talk about such people below because we need to deal with them differently from normal people. Most people who don't honor your boundaries don’t fall into the above categories. Most people don’t honor your boundaries because you don't follow through with consequences. Or, you don't even voice your boundaries to them. Perhaps think they should know certain things. BTW – that was me before recovery.

That’s a mistake to believe that. If people should know something, they would. People can't read our minds. On top of that, even if you’ve requested something multiple times, people think differently and retain different kinds of information. Expecting people should know things is unrealistic and will set you up for a miserable lie. 

You have to actually state your boundaries (perhaps repeatedly) and provide consequences if they don’t honor them. If you don’t follow through with consequences,  they're never going to honor your boundaries. 

When you start setting boundaries with people who are not those on the list above and you’re new at boundaries, there could be an array of reasons why they don’t honor your boundaries. Perhaps they forgot you set a boundary because you've never done it before. Perhaps you've never required such things of them before, so they forgot. They’re humans who are used to certain patterns of behavior just like you are. You're changing your behavior when starting to set boundaries. Just as it might be difficult for you to get used to this new behavior of yours, it might also be difficult for them to get used to it. You’re retraining them how to interact with you. So please cut people some slack when you begin setting boundaries with them. It’s new behavior for them just like it’s new for you.

When you give people the benefit of the doubt for not initially honoring your boundaries, the best way to handle it is to restate your boundary (without using the word “boundary”). You might try saying something like, “Maybe you didn't hear me…” or” Maybe you forgot that I said…”

Some people won’t honor your boundaries because they don't believe you're going to follow through because you've never been like that before, so they need to be reminded that you actually mean it and you really are setting this boundary. You really do expect them to respect it. Some people won't respect your boundaries because they have really poor boundaries themselves, so it’s extremely difficult for them to respect yours. In that case, it means following through with consequences is even more important.

Side note – if you have really poor boundaries and let people walk all over you, chances are pretty good that you’re trampling all over others’ boundaries. That was true for me, and I was aghast to learn that about myself. I’d been violating people’s boundaries all over the place, so that could also be true of you.

I encourage you to assume the best of intentions on the part of people who don’t honor your boundaries. Don't assume that they're a jerk or that they hate you. Perhaps they don’t respect you because you haven't had boundaries before. Yet another reason to start building healthy boundaries. 

How to Teach People to Respect Your Boundaries

In order for people to respect your boundaries, you’ve got to teach them to do so. That's really what building boundaries is about. We’re always teaching people how to treat us. Before having healthy boundaries, you’ve taught them to treat you however they want. You’ve been teaching them “treat me the same as you always have,” not how you want to be treated. You can teach them to treat you differently.

Once you decide what your new boundaries are, including how you want to be treated by others, you have to communicate your boundaries to them. When they don’t honor them (which may very well be the case at first), you have to follow through with some kind of consequence. 

There can be different levels of consequences. I find it helpful to think of them using the three strikes method. 

Strike zero is where you just repeat the boundary (e.g., if your boundary was, “please don't put that there,” strike 0 would mean repeating, “please don't put that there”). If they don’t honor that, then you move up to strike 1.

Think of strike 1 as being the kind and gentle way. It’s where you come up with a different way to say it but it's still kind and gentle (e.g., “I asked you not to put that there”). If they don’t honor that, then it’s time to move to Strike 2.

Strike 2 is what I think of as the polite and firm level (e.g., “Perhaps you didn’t hear me, I asked you not to put that there”). If they don’t honor strike 2, then it’s time to move up to strike 3.

Strike 3 is what I call the “being a dick” level (e.g., “I said, don’t put that there!”). This is also the level at which you might have to block someone or get a restraining order if that’s what’s required. If that’s the case, you might want to add a couple more strikes before you do that. It depends on what you need to feel safe.

These are not hard and fast rules for setting consequences, it’s just a framework for you to keep in mind when setting consequences for your boundaries. For the most part, relatively healthy, emotionally mature people can handle when you set boundaries, and eventually, they'll come along. 

However, when you're dealing with people who have personality disorders, are mired in chaos, just won’t take “no” for an answer, or those who have extremely poor boundaries themselves, they may not be capable of honoring boundaries. If that’s the case, you might want to get the help of a therapist or a boundaries coach in dealing with them. 

It really depends on your relationship with that person and how serious the situation is. If you’re going to set boundaries with those kinds of people, like or if someone’s life is at stake or something is just plain wrong, then you might skip strikes 0-2 and jump right to strike 3 and be a dick in such situations like that.  But, again, that's rare. The vast majority of people are not narcissistic or toxic people, where you have to go to that extreme to enforce your boundary.

Most of us weren’t taught how to set boundaries. That means we may be surrounded by people who don't have healthy boundaries. On top of that, there are many myths floating around about boundaries. Some of those include ideas such as they’re like walls, not like fences. Or that it’s somehow unkind to set boundaries. But that's the opposite of the truth. In fact, kind people teach people how to treat them. They're not resentful of others for violating boundaries they’ve never voiced. The kind thing to do is to let people know who you actually are, what is okay, and not okay. A kind person will do that rather than people- pleasing them,  then bitching about them behind their back because you resent them.

If you’re anything like I was when I didn’t have healthy boundaries, I frequently got resentful of people for “taking advantage of me”(which, BTW, isn’t possible – you gave them the advantage, they didn’t take it). It's not kind to bitch about people behind their back or to carry around lots of resentment against people. They can't read your mind just because you think they should know how to treat you. It’s your job to teach them how to treat you, which is what building boundaries is all about. 

The way you teach them is by giving consequences. When you start to set boundaries, I suggest thinking through ahead of time what will be your strikes 0, 1, 2, and 3 level consequences. That way, you’ll have them in mind as you go into the situations.

Conclusion.

If you’ve struggled with setting boundaries and having them honored by yourself or others, you’re not alone. Most of us never learned how to do this growing up, so we’re figuring it out as adults. But here’s the truth: boundaries don’t work unless you work them. That means clearly stating them, holding to them, and following through with consequences when they’re crossed. It also means being patient with yourself and others—as you re-train the people in your life how to treat you.

Remember, setting boundaries isn’t about controlling others. It’s about protecting your time, energy, and emotional well-being. It’s about deciding what you will and won’t allow in your life—and then having your own back when push comes to shove. The more you practice, the easier and more natural it becomes. And over time, you’ll begin to build relationships based on mutual respect rather than resentment.

Boundaries aren’t unkind—they’re loving, especially when they’re clear, consistent, and anchored in self-respect. The more you honor your own boundaries, the more others will too. That’s where real change begins.

Have you ever been in a situation where you were convinced that other people were the problem, and then you found out, “Oh, wait -  it's me? I’m the problem!” That may sound disheartening, but in fact it’s empowering. It's empowering because, if you're the problem, then you can be the solution. If other people really are the problem, then you are screwed because you can’t change them.

This is exactly what happened for me in the romantic relationship department of my life. When I got into 12-step recovery, the one area of my life that I knew was not working was in the area of romance. I thought my pattern was attracting emotionally unavailable partners. And that was true, but I think the real issue was my codependence. 

My Big Reveal.

What I came to realize first was that it wasn't just emotionally unavailable men being attracted to me. I was also attracted to them. That part was completely outside my awareness. Then, the Big Reveal for me was that the reason I was attracting and attracted to emotionally unavailable men was that *I* was emotionally available. In retrospect, that makes sense: what emotionally available man is going to be attracted to an emotionally unavailable woman?

One thing I did realize before recovery was that I was the common denominator in all those relationships. But that’s as far as my understanding went. I didn’t really know what that meant or what to do about it. I still pretty much believed it was them – they were somehow at fault. What I can see now is that I felt like I was a victim of their emotional unavailability, as if I had no part in any of the attractions.

If you’ve been in a series of relationships with emotionally unavailable partners, you might be like me. That is, you might be emotionally unavailable. And if that’s true, and you’ve been putting your efforts into your partners to try to get them to become emotionally available, I’ve got news for you: It’s never going to work!

Until you become emotionally available yourself, you’ll never attract an emotionally available partner. Period.

How To Become Emotionally Available to Yourself.

It starts with self-honesty. You've got to be honest with yourself about what’s okay and not okay with you. And what you’re feeling when you agree to things you don’t really want to do. Stop acting like you like things you don't. Be real with yourself.

That means that you're going to have to start being vulnerable with yourself by learning how to feel your feelings. That is a monumental task that most of us in recovery have to work on continuously. It takes time. But that time is going to go by anyway, so you might as well start now.

Teaching clients how to feel their feelings is a huge part of what I do in my coaching practice. That’s because feelings are what stop people from setting boundaries or following through on their boundaries. Whether you get coaching or therapy from me or someone else, find a way to learn how to feel your feelings.

Next, you've got to start showing up for yourself and following through for yourself in ways you never have before. Among other things, that means learning how to build boundaries. As you build boundaries,  that means you're going to go through the process of learning what you like and don’t like and what your limits are. Then, you’ll act on that. Part of the process of building boundaries means learning to feel your feelings and following through on what you learn from your feelings. I’ll say more about that in a moment. 

As you do all this, you'll become emotionally available to yourself (i.e., become vulnerable with yourself). It’s only once you've done that that you can truly be vulnerable with other people and share your feelings with them. That’s what it means to become emotionally available to them. But you can't do that until you've become emotionally available to yourself first.

Why We’re Emotionally Unavailable.

The reason that so many of us are emotionally unavailable to ourselves and others is because we don't know how to feel our feelings. We're afraid of getting hurt. The reality is you might get hurt. But it's not going to destroy you.

If you’ve been in relationship after relationship where you’ve been emotionally unavailable, you're already hurting yourself. That pain is never going to end until you change something. Nothing changes if nothing changes. 

If you truly want to be in a healthy relationship, it starts with you.  I know this on an experiential level. I am now in the first and only healthy romantic relationship of my life. I couldn't possibly have gotten into this relationship if I weren't aware of what's okay with me and what's not okay with me, and if I didn't understand what I was feeling  nd have the ability to articulate that to my partner.

An Example of How Feelings Help Us in Relationships.

Here's an example of how my feelings have helped me in my relationship. When I feel resentment, I now know it's an indicator that something is too much for me. I've gone past my limit. I used to believe that my resentment was an indication that someone else did something to me. I felt justified in complaining about them and being upset with them. I now understand that the resentment is an indicator for me that it's time for me to set a boundary or strengthen a boundary.

When you shift your focus from trying to change others to becoming emotionally available to yourself, everything changes. You stop chasing unavailable partners, stop feeling like a victim, and start building the kind of life and relationships you truly want. It’s not always easy, but the work is worth it.

If you find yourself in a pattern of emotionally unavailable relationships, take that as an invitation to look inward. Start by being honest with yourself, feeling your feelings, and setting boundaries that honor your needs. The more you show up for yourself, the more you’ll attract people who do the same.

I know this because I’ve lived it. And if I can break the cycle, so can you. The best relationships start with the one you have with yourself—so why not begin today?

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

For years, I didn’t realize how brutally I spoke to myself in my own mind until I read a book that held up a mirror to my inner dialogue.

It was When Food Is Love by Geneen Roth. She wrote out the exact phrases her clients used to berate themselves… and my stomach dropped. I say those things to myself.

I was horrified to discover this undercurrent of self-loathing I’d never consciously acknowledged. How could I, someone who never overtly hated myself, be so cruel in the privacy of my own thoughts?

Here’s the truth I learned the hard way: You cannot beat yourself into becoming better.

The Broken Logic of Self-Punishment

We tell ourselves we're being "motivated" by this harshness. The twisted logic goes something like this: If I'm cruel enough to myself, if I punish myself sufficiently for my mistakes and shortcomings, eventually I'll become better.

But here's the truth I learned through painful experience: Self-flagellation doesn't work. Ever.

Take a moment to honestly ask yourself:

• In all your years of beating yourself up, has it ever actually produced lasting positive change?
• Have you ever witnessed someone being bullied or abused into becoming their best self?
• When has shame ever been the catalyst for genuine transformation?

The answer is simple: Never. Even worse, this creates confirmation bias. If you believe you’re a failure, you’ll:

1. Seek evidence, ignoring anything that contradicts it..
2. Twist neutral events into "proof".
3. Live smaller to avoid disproving the story.

The Antidote: Scaffolding Your Way Up

Changing this pattern isn’t about flipping a switch from I hate myself to I’m radiantly confident. It’s a gradual climb like building scaffolding to reach a higher floor. Here’s how:

Step 1: Identify the Poison

Write down your most frequent self-attacks. For me, it was “You’re too much”. For you, it might be “You’re not enough”, “I'll never recover from this” or “I always mess things up”

Step 2: Stop the Bleeding

Ask:

• Would I let someone talk to my best friend this way?
• Would I tolerate it if directed at me?

(Spoiler: You’d probably throw hands.)

This creates cognitive dissonance - the uncomfortable gap between what we believe and what we know to be true. That discomfort is actually progress.

Step 3: Replace the Narrative

Think of your mind as a poisoned well. Stopping the toxins is the first step, but to heal faster, you need medicine: affirmations.

You don’t have to believe them yet. This is where scaffolding comes in:

• Start neutral (I have a body instead of I hate my body).
• Later, shift to positive (I appreciate my body).
• Eventually, aim for loving (I love my body).

I used this method to replace I’m too much with I am just the right amount of everything. At first, it felt like a lie. Now? It’s my truth.

Your Toolkit

• Podcast Episodes to Help:
  • #25: Act As If 
  • #5: Affirming Ourselves.
  • Bonus Episode: Affirmations for Addicts (a no-music, straight-to-the-good-stuff guide).
• Daily Practice: Repeat your scaffolded phrases like vitamins—consistency trumps intensity.

The Bottom Line

You were created in love, for love. Beating yourself up isn’t motivation; it’s self-sabotage in disguise.

Start small. Stop the poison. Build your scaffolding.

And if you know someone who needs this? Send it to them. We all deserve wells filled with clean water.

You are beloved.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

Are you spiritually fit? Or are things just going your way?

We've all had those weeks where everything seems to go wrong. But how we handle those moments reveals a lot about our inner strength. Are you spiritually fit? Or are things just going your way?

That question stopped me in my tracks. It came at the end of a week that tested my patience, resilience, and ultimately, my understanding of what it truly means to be “spiritually fit.” Quite a number of things didn't go my way that week. It showed me that I am much more spiritually fit than I used to be. In other words, I've learned to live life on life’s terms. This is a common saying in 12-step recovery. 

I first heard that phrase about 20 years ago from a guy in recovery. He’d say, “I've learned to live life on life's terms, not my terms.” I really didn't understand conceptually what that meant. Of course, I know what the definitions of those words mean, but I really didn't get it. And now I do. 

To truly understand this concept, let me walk you through a week that tested me. My sweetheart and I were going to the movies and decided to meet at the theater rather than go together. It turns out we went to different theaters! I texted him to say I was in the lobby and then I saw that he’d just texted me that he was at the other theater and on his way to me.

I called him immediately and he didn't answer so I texted him to say I’d stay there and until I heard from him. A while later he called and said, “I’m at the end of my rope, I'm gonna go home.”

When I got to his house, his car was there already which was weird because I was in town he was out of town. It turned out he’d taken his motorcycle (which explains why he didn't answer the phone when I called).

When he got home, he had a frown on his face. This is quite notable given that he’d just gotten off his motorcycle - nothing makes him smile like being on two wheels. I said, “Wow! You look really sad.” He said, “I'm done in. I am just done”

After he took off his motorcycle boots I asked if we could hug. He said, “I'm not there yet” and I said, “Okay, do you need me to go occupy myself for a little while?” and he said yes.

I went in the bedroom and read for awhile. Eventually, he came in and he said he was slowed down now. If this had been the past, I would have been super upset about the mixup and about him not wanting a hug and needing some alone time to slow down and refuel. 

I didn’t take these things personally, or make them mean anything about me or the status of our relationship. He has a chronic illness so he has limited energy, so it was clear that he was just done in by all of the stimuli.

Before recovery, I would have turned all those things into a huge fight that would have had lasting effects for weeks, if not years. The next morning I told him that it was miracle that I didn’t even get phased by the whole movie thing and that he needed alone time. I wanted to share with him how amazing that was given my life history of wanting live life on Barb’s terms.

As I was getting ready to leave, I couldn’t find my car keys, which is highly unusual for me. It turned out that they were in my car – they’d fallen out of purse onto the seat. At the time, my spare key was with a friend on my side of town so I was going to call her. Instead, he proposed that I take his car since he has motorcycles to get around with. 

Later that day I was scheduled to do an online presentation at noon and I was supposed to sign on at 11:45. At 11:40 I knocked my computer on the floor and that fall bent the so I couldn’t plug it in. The battery was drastically low, so I went to the  IT guy at the coworking place and borrowed a laptop just in time.

I use my computer to run my business, so I needed a cord right away. I drove to Best Buy in North Haven to get one. While I was there, I remember that I needed a new journal so I went next door to Target. Then I remembered some other things I needed, so I went in, but then promptly forget what else I wanted to get!

I prayed for guidance and as I did that I turned around in the middle of the stationary aisle and kicked a little ball. Mind you, I was in the stationary aisle, not the ball aisle. It made me remember, “Oh that's right, I need a ball to do my physical therapy.”

Then, I found the exact kind of water bottle I’d been looking for. I have a whole list of specifications for my water bottles and I hardly ever find ones that have them all, but this one does!

I wouldn’t have gotten ANY of these things had I not gone to Target. And I wouldn't have gone to Target if I hadn’t knocked the computer off the table and then gone to Best Buy.

These kinds of things - locking my key in the car, breaking my computer cord (for the third time) are the kind of things that would have taken me down in the past. I would have been so angry and upset. Now I realize THIS is the kind of thing people are talking about in recovery when they say, “We accept life on life’s terms.” 

Now, I deeply understand what it means to live life on life’s terms. It means sometimes you

• go to the wrong movie theater 
• have miscommunication
• lock your keys in the car 
• break the cord on your computer 

Sometimes a whole bunch of that stuff happens in a row. That's just life. These are the kinds of things that happen sometimes -  to everybody. I no longer allow those kinds of things to take my serenity away, otherwise I’ll have a very dissatisfying life. 

Before recovery, I didn't know it was an option to be serene when these kinds of things happened. What I saw growing up was that you got pissed off about things like that. In other words, I learned to live as if I were a victim of life – that life was happening at me or to me. I now understand these are just things that are happening. They're not happening TO me, they're just happening.

It's just part of life, negative things happen to everybody. There's nothing so special about me that nothing negative will ever happen to me. It's how I handle those things that matter. That's another saying I heard so many times before recovery that I didn’t quite understand: “It's not what happens to you, it's how you handle it that determines the quality of your life.”

I understood that theoretically, I just didn't REALLY get it.

What it looks like to live life on life’s terms means understanding that things happen to everyone. Sometimes, a whole bunch of good stuff happens in a row, sometimes a whole bunch of bad stuff happens in a row. Rest assured, good things and bad things will happen. When you fight against that, you’re trying to live life on your terms, not on life’s terms.

There’s a difference between surrendering and being resigned to things. When you surrender to what’s happening, you make peace with it. You stop taking it personally and step out of victim mentality. When you simply resign yourself, you take on an attitude like, “Life sucks and then you die.” There’s no peace in that. And it’s dripping with victim mentality, which is no way to get to peace and serenity.

If you want to have a life of emotional well-bring, learning how to accept what’s happening and surrender to it will change everything. Being resigned will only perpetuate and magnify your difficulties.

Here are some examples of things you can do to get you to acceptance of life on life’s terms.

•   Practice gratitude for the small things, especially during difficult times.
•   Focus on what you can control, not what you can't.
•   Develop self-compassion and forgive yourself for mistakes.
•   Practice mindfulness to observe your emotions without judgement.

So, the next time life throws you a curveball, remember that it's not happening to you, it's simply happening. Embrace the unexpected, find your serenity, and live life on life's terms. You might be surprised at the peace you find. This week, I challenge you to observe how you react when things don't go your way. Actively look for moments of serenity amidst the chaos. Choose peace and serenity and you will find it.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

Bookending is a concept I learned in recovery that I found it extremely when setting difficult boundaries or having really tough conversations. If you’ve ever had an accountability partner for something, then you’ve been exposed to the concept of bookending. The idea is that you “bookend” your commitments with another person by connecting with them before and after you do the thing you’ve committed to.

Leveraging codependency powers for good.

For example, if you’re having a hard time going to the gym, you might text a friend and say, “I’m going to the gym today come hell or high water. I’ll text you when I’m leaving the gym.” I think of this as leveraging my codependent powers for good.

What I mean by “leveraging my codependent powers for good” is this: I have codependent tendencies and I'm probably always going to have them. That means (among other things) that I want people to think well of me. Therefore, if I tell someone I'm going to do something, I am so much more likely to follow through than if I didn't tell anybody.

I've been using my codependent powers for the benefit of other people my entire life. I'm now learning to use them (or leverage them) in such a way that they finally benefit me. I more easily get myself to follow through on things when I involve other people.

This works for me to this day. I have two accountability partners for meditation and one for yoga. I meditate twice a day and that second meditation is sometimes difficult for me.  I wouldn’t meditate that second time daily as consistently as I do if it weren’t for my accountability partners.

The basic and complex models of bookending.

At its most basic, the idea of bookending is that you have someone be your accountability partner before and after doing something you’ve committed to doing. There’s a much more complex way to employ this same technique in much more difficult circumstances, which is the main topic of this essay. 

It’s very powerful when you're doing something that extremely difficult, like setting a particularly important boundary with someone you’re close to or afraid of. If there’s a boundary you’re really nervous about setting, this more complex form of bookending can be a Godsend!

For difficult situations, choose a supportive and emotionally mature “boundary partner.”

This could be a trusted friend, a sponsor, a clergy person, a coach or a therapist. Ideally, it’s someone who’s not emotionally involved in your situation.

You start by asking for their support with the situation. Once you get their consent to support you, run your thoughts by them about what you want to say to the person you’re setting a boundary with (the target of your boundary). Remember, this is your boundary and you get to make the final call on what to say, when, and the setting you’ll say it in. But it’s a good idea to get feedback from someone not involved. That person can help you think through whether it makes sense for you to use those particular words, do it at that particular time, and in that particular setting. For example, they might say, “Are you sure you want to do that in person? Perhaps doing it on the phone or zoom will make it easier for you.”

Once you’ve made your decision about what to say, when and where, let your boundary partner know, “This is the day and time I'm going to do it. I want check in with you that day before I do it and after it’s over so I can bookend my boundary setting with you.”

The power of a boundary partner.

On the day of your boundary setting, connect with your partner. This serves two crucial purposes: accountability and emotional support. They can affirm your decision, reminding you that you deserve to set healthy boundaries. Moreover, you can process any pre-boundary anxieties or fears, reducing the likelihood of projecting those emotions onto the other person.

When we were growing up, many of us didn’t have supportive others to help us manage our difficult feelings. That’s why they can be so overpowering. The feelings of guilt and shame that arise when setting boundaries (or even thinking of setting boundaries) are what frequently stop people from setting boundaries, or cave once they set them. Having someone to process those feelings with you reduces the burden of those feelings. 

You don’t want to launch those emotions at the target of your boundary because that makes it much more likely to be a confrontational experience rather than just a simple conversation about “this is how things are going to be from now on.”

Navigating difficult emotions.

At the beginning of learning to set boundaries and have difficult conversation, I’d feel like I was going to die. I’m not exaggerating! It felt like my life was under threat! It wasn’t really setting a boundary that made me feel like I was going to die, it was the emotions associated with setting the boundary. I didn’t know how to handle them, so having another person to process those feelings with changed everything! Just the idea of not responding to an email from ex-boyfriend caused my nervous system to go way out of whack. And that was an ex-boyfriend!!

You don't want to process those feelings with the target of your boundary, which is a major reason why you’re bookending with your supportive boundary partner. When you go into the situation with the target of your boundary and tell them what you want to tell them, you’ll know that someone else 

• knows where you are
• knows what you’re doing
• knows what you’re going through
• and is waiting to reconnect with you afterwards

Then, once you’ve set the boundary, you reconnect with your boundary partner (the other end of the bookend process). Once again, you get reassurance and affirmation from them (you did the right thing, you showed up for yourself, you stood your ground, you’re so brave). You also get to process any difficult emotions with them again. Even if things turned out fantastically, you may still have difficult emotions to process and you don’t have to carry those alone. You get to share them with others. 

That is, you get to be connected to others. Remember – we’re protected when we’re connected. Here’s why this is important: most people with unhealthy boundaries have no experience with healthy connection to others. We’ve typically experienced enmeshment or abandonment, or both. That means when we set a boundary, it feels like abandonment. That is, we know it’s not enmeshment, and the only other thing we know is abandonment. 

But, if we're connected to our boundary partner through their love and their support, we know we're not abandoned.

From enmeshment to healthy connection.

If you’ve only experienced enmeshment or abandonment, you have no concept of what healthy connection is. That’s why setting boundaries can feel like abandonment rather than creating a healthy connection with others. 

Here's the thing about abandonment: it doesn't matter who initiates it, it still feels like abandonment. For example, if you break up with a someone, you could still feel abandone. It’s doesn’t matter if you initiated the breakup because they were there and then they’re not. If you have a history of abandonment, it feels like just another instance of being abandoned.

Setting boundaries means coming out of enmeshment. You’re delineating the boundaries of who you are, differentiating yourself as your own distinct person with your own distinct identity and preferences. That can feel like abandonment because you're no longer enmeshed with others.

Bookending with your boundary partner lets you know on an experiential level “I’m not abandoned - I’m still connected to this other person.”

If you need to set a difficult boundary or have a very tough conversation, getting support from someone else can be absolute magic!

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

What if I told you that the strongest foundation for love isn’t passion or spontaneity—but boundaries? On this Valentine’s Day, I want to share how setting boundaries from the start helped build the happiest, healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. I’ll start by telling stories of how things unfolded in our relationship. Then I’ll share what the boundaries were to make it clear. By sharing my story, I hope to show you how subtle but powerful boundaries can be—and how they can strengthen your own relationships, too.

The Relationship Begins…

In the first text exchange, I had with my sweetheart where I said to myself, “I think I want to date this man” because he responded with interest, enthusiasm, and humor. As we went on our first couple of dates, I became more attracted to him based on his healthy boundaries. He demonstrated them in a variety of ways. He showed up on time to our first coffee date. We had also planned to go to the same yoga class together after coffee, and he was mindful of the time we needed to depart.

As we continued to spend time together, I started noticing more ways he demonstrated healthy boundaries, which only made me more attracted to him. On our second date, I needed to leave the museum unexpectedly because I felt light-headed. I invited him to join me for lunch at the restaurant across the street and he declined., though he walked me across the street to the restaurant with his hand gently on my back to ensure I made it there safely.

About 45 minutes later he texted to check on me to make sure I was okay. I later learned that he declined lunch because he had a chronic illness and needed to manage his energy. He also revealed things about himself to me bit by bit, not with a firehose on the first date as I’d done with most of my former partners. For example, he waited to tell me about his chronic illness until about our third date. Why share something like that if it doesn’t seem like things are going to move forward?

One of the most amazing things? He actually asked if he could kiss me!! For my entire life, I’d always wanted for a man to ask me if he could kiss me, but that never happened. In other words, he got my consent which is respectful. As the smooching part of our relationship started, he didn’t grope me and try to get into my shirt or pants immediately the way every other guy had. That is, he showed me that he desired me without violating my clothing boundaries. We were building emotional intimacy before physical intimacy, which I’d never done.

When the topic of having sex came up, I told him, “I want to make it clear that I want you, but I'm not ready.  I don't even know what that means. I just know that I’m not ready.” As we talked further, I told him there were a couple of things I know for sure I’ll need to be ready. One is that I’d need a commitment to a monogamous relationship. He said, “Me too, I feel the same way.” The second was that we’d both need to be checked for sexually transmitted infections. He said, “Oh my God, I love that!” Later in our relationship, he told me it took him a while to realized what an enormous relief that was for him.

Shortly after the initial sex conversation, I told him I’d like to go out for coffee (i.e., on neutral territory and in public) to share my thoughts and experiences with sex and hear some from you. When the coffee date came, I started our conversation by reminding him that I’ve been completely transformed as a person because of 12-step recovery and having healthy boundaries now. I’ve been radically changed, including being down over 100 pounds from my top weight. In other words, I've never had sex in this body before!

I had lots of extra, saggy flesh. I was pretty sure I’d be okay with him seeing me naked because I’d been okay with being seen naked by lovers when I was heavier. I told him I’d been shamed by former lovers for not being adventurous enough in the bedroom as well as for being too adventurous. I said, “Now that I’m a new person, this person has never had sex before! So I have no idea what's gonna come out of me!  I have always really enjoyed sex,  but I've also never really spoken up and asked for what I really wanted.” 

I told him this new version of Barb might like to try new things but want to feel safe enough to change my mind, maybe even in the middle of it without him taking it personally. He was very agreeable and was grateful I felt comfortable talking to him about this stuff.

Right around that same time, a friend in recovery who had been married for 35 years said, “If you’re going to wait to have sex, make it special: go away and celebrate it!” That way you have something to look forward to, and you create a memory you can look back on. 

I was like, “Oh my God! That's such a great idea!” So he and I discussed it and he also loved the idea. We picked a date about 5-6 weeks in the future. The next time I talked to him he said,  I found the perfect Airbnb in the Berkshires!” I was thrilled that he’d taken the initiative, once again showing me his enthusiasm.

One of the beautiful things about having picked a date in the future was that we could count down the days. It turned into a really playful thing where we’d say things like, “15 more days until we have sex” and it was a wonderful, fun-loving thing we were doing together. Of course, I’m not going to go into details about what happened there (because I have boundaries!), but now it's a wonderful memory we have together. 

Forget the myth that romance has to be spontaneous—planning can be just as passionate, if not more! Planning increases anticipation, which is very hot and romantic. It's something you can look forward to together and be playful with. 

Here’s What Our Boundaries Were

Now that I’ve laid that all out, I want to point out some of the boundaries we had in case you didn’t spot them for what they are. 

• He showed up on time for our first date and also made sure we left on time
• He declined my invitation to lunch but didn’t feel the need to explain why until sometime later
• He and I both shared personal info bit by bit rather than by firehose
• He waited to tell me he had a chronic illness until it was clear that I was interested in him
• He asked for my permission before kissing me
• He was respectful of my clothing boundaries and didn’t try to get inside my shirt or pants like all my former partners had (and I let them!)
• I said, “I'm not ready” and he respected that. He didn’t try to push me to do anything before I was ready. I also respected my own boundaries by knowing I wasn’t ready and saying so.
• I required a committed monogamous relationship he agreed to that 
• I required hat we both have STI testing and he agreed to that 
• I set a boundary by saying we're not having sex until I have a conversation with you, and he agreed to that 
• I also let him know ahead of time that I don't know where my boundary is when we're actually in the act because I'm learning who this new version of Barb is. I told him  ahead of time in case I changed my mind, so he wouldn’t  take it personally, and he agreed to that
• We set boundaries by picking a date and a destination so we could make it special and we both honored that

So this Valentine’s Day, whether you’re single or in a relationship, remember: boundaries aren’t barriers to love—they’re the foundation of it. And the more you honor your own, the stronger, safer, and more fulfilling your relationships will be.