One of the most difficult parts of setting boundaries isn’t deciding what to say.
It’s dealing with what you feel. Sometimes even before you say it. And definitely after you say it.
In my experience, the number one thing that stops people from setting boundaries isn’t a lack of skill. It’s guilt and shame. It’s that tight, nauseous feeling in your stomach that says, “You’re being selfish.”
Let’s start by normalizing something.
If you feel guilt and shame when you set boundaries, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re changing.
If you grew up in enmeshment, where everyone was in everyone else’s business, boundaries can feel like betrayal. If you grew up in emotional abandonment, boundaries can feel like you’re leaving someone alone the way you were left alone. If you grew up with both like I did, setting boundaries can feel even more overwhelming.
Healthy boundaries live in the middle. They’re not enmeshment. They’re not abandonment. They’re healthy separation with connection.
But if you’ve never experienced that middle, it doesn’t feel like healthy separation. It feels like abandonment.
So of course guilt shows up and shame flares.
The question isn’t how to eliminate those feelings overnight. The question is how to build the capacity to handle them. And eventually, how to reduce them at the root.
Here’s how.
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