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Photo Credit: Jair Medina Nossa

Seek and ye shall find. We all know this is true. When we look for happy joyful things, we find them. When we look for evidence that there is evil all around us, we find it. Same world, but our lens is different.

This is why it’s so important to ask ourselves constructive questions that build us up instead of destructive questions that tear us down. What I like to say is, “Ask a shitty question, get a shitty answer. Ask good questions, get good answers.”

For example, if you say, “WTF is wrong with me?” you’ll automatically start looking for all of the things that are wrong with you. And of course, you’ll find things that are wrong with you! But if instead, you ask, “Why am I so awesome?!” you'll start seeking all the reasons you're awesome. Maybe you'll even start asking other people, “What do you think makes me awesome?”

People in recovery and my coaching clients frequently ask “WFT is wrong with me?” or “Why do I keep doing this?” and it breaks my heart to hear all these lovely people (who often have no idea how lovely they are) berate themselves and constantly look for evidence of why they’re such a piece of shit.

My goal is to help you find evidence of why you’re so awesome!

I don’t care who you are, what you’ve done or not done, who you’ve hurt or harmed, you ARE awesome. You are here for a reason, and that reason is NOT to beat the shit out of yourself. It’s to bring your awesomeness to the world.

If you’ve been beating the shit out of yourself for years, here’s my question:

How’s that working for you?

It’s not, is it?

Beating yourself up ends up with you being battered and bruised, which is no place from which to grow and change. It does not lead to self-improvement. So stop it. Stop asking, “WTF is wrong with me?” or “Why am I so stupid?” These types of questions are demoralizing and beat us down. So let's get curious instead of self-deprecating. Curiosity is neutral.

Below is some guidance for asking constructive questions as well as some examples. One of my clients recently told me that these types of questions are called Ask-firmations. That is, they’re affirmations in the form of a question, which gets your subconscious mind “on the job” of seeking answers to these awesome questions. I’ve also heard them called “Lofty Questions” by Vishen Lakhiani, the Founder of Mind Valley. If anyone knows something about how to improve your life, it’s Vishen!

These types of questions lead to something good that can actually help you construct a better life rather than destructive questions that could destroy your life. It starts with curiosity and wonder. If there are things you’re not doing that you wish you were doing, those are good things to ask yourself about. 

Here are a couple of examples:

“Why do I always get along so well with my colleagues?”

“Why do I always know just what to say at the right time?”

These are much better questions than the destructive, judgmental questions we often ask ourselves like, “Why is he always such a jerk?” or “How come I never know what to say until after the fact???”

If it seems impossible for you to come up with questions for yourself, you’re in luck!! I created a free audio of 15 Ask-firmations that are geared toward people who are looking to improve their boundaries and boundaries-adjacent related issues. I pause briefly between each Ask-firmation to allow your mind time to fill in the blank space. I encourage you to play this often if it feels helpful.

Remember: seek and ye shall find.

Don’t forget to listen to the free audio here.

For more blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Featuring the work of Roberta Friedman, Joyce Greenfield, Sheila Kaczmarek, Kathy Kane

By definition, Praxis means “the process by which a theory, lesson or skill is enacted, embodied, realized, applied, or put into practice.” It is the act of engaging, applying, exercising, realizing, or practicing ideas. In City Gallery’s July show, artists Roberta Friedman, Joyce Greenfield, Sheila Kaczmarek, and Kathy Kane share the theories, lessons, and skills they each use in their work, which encompass a wide range of styles, materials, and applications. PRAXIS will be on view at City Gallery from July 5 – July 28, with a Closing Reception on Sunday, July 28, 2-4pm.

Of her work in this show, Bobbi Friedman explains: “There are always new discoveries and ways to play with light and textures. The spontaneity of the printing process on a hot surface, the vibrancy of encaustic wax paints, and the richness of oil pigments and cold wax produce a cacophony of color and expression.”

Painter Joyce Greenfield relies on the practice of observation for her work. “I spend time observing elements in live intense sessions of looking at my subjects in person, and in sketches, videos and photographs.”

For painter Kathy Kane, inspiration often comes from bright colors and the use of unconventional tools, while painter and clay sculptor Sheila Kaczmarek’s finds hers in an ever-present fascination with nature and its fantastic and other worldly forms. “I try to present a doorway through which the viewer is invited to enter and come away with some questions and new way of looking at life.”

PRAXIS is an opportunity to see the work of these four distinct artists and to learn more about their approaches to and practice of art. The exhibit is free and open to the public. It runs July 5 – July 28, with a Closing Reception on Sunday, July 28, 2-4pm. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m., or by appointment. City Gallery follows New Haven City’s mask mandate policy. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

Credit: Getty Images

In my boundaries coaching business, I coach some pretty high-powered women. There's an enormous toll on them personally, professionally, physically, psychologically, emotionally and financially. There are many factors that lead to this, but it’s mainly because they keep saying yes when they really want to say no, and they neglect themselves because they're so focused on other people. 

I decided to delve into the financial toll on these women, but I wasn't sure how to come up with that information. So I went to ChatGPT.

I asked it first to calculate the amount of money that’s lost by the average professional woman per year because she keeps saying yes to things she really doesn't want to do and neglecting herself because she's focused on other people. It added up to

$20,500 lost per year

Wow! I’ll share all the assumptions and calculations below for those of you who are data nerds and want to delve into it. Even if you’re not a data nerd, if you’re a professional woman or you work in organizations of professional women, this is a wake-up call.

We’ve got to stop saying yes and neglecting ourselves. It not only costs us our physical, emotional, and psychological health and relationships, but it costs us our wallets and our wealth as well. 

Speaking of wealth, when I went back to ChatGPT to ask the cost to a professional woman over a 30-year career (compounded over time), the answer was

$1,361,996.37

Some of the reasons women, say yes when they really want to say no is that they don’t want to be rude, offend people, or be thought of as bad people or unhelpful. Personally, I thought of myself as “nice.” I thought I did all those things for others because I was a nice person. It turns out I was really invested in what others thought of me. It’s not that I didn’t want to be helpful, mind you, but the reason I went overboard and said yes when I didn’t want to, and got to the point where I regularly neglected myself was because of what others thought. I cared about those more than my own well-being. Sound familiar? If so, you’re a perfect candidate for my private coaching program!

I also didn’t want people to think I was selfish. It’s astonishing how that word can stop just about any woman, no matter how powerful or successful she is. God forbid a woman be perceived as selfish! Women have been taught to caretake – to be nice, helpful, and selfless. Not that there is anything wrong with caretaking, we need to take care of others, it's what makes the world go around. But we don’t need to do it to our own detriment. And that’s what we do.

If you’re a professional woman yourself, or you work in an organization of professional women, I want you to know it’s possible to change that without giving up being helpful to others. I’m living proof. I worked full-time at Yale University for 17 years and had volunteered for 13 different non-profits by the time I learned how to build healthy boundaries. In terms of hours per week, I give more service to my community now than I did when I was a volunteer-a-holic. Learning to build healthy boundaries does not mean you’ll no longer be helpful. It means you’ll learn to make strategic decisions by choice (not by compulsion) for when, where, and how you’ll help. It also means you’ll learn to include yourself in the “help” you provide by filling your own cup first so you can pour from the overflow, rather than trying to pour from an empty cup.

For those of you who want to see how the numbers above were calculated, they’re listed below along with the questions I asked ChatGPT.

THE NUMBERS

“Calculating the monetary loss for the average professional woman due to constantly saying "yes" to things she doesn't want to do and neglecting herself involves several assumptions and variables. Here are some key considerations:

1. Time Spent on Unwanted Tasks:

   • Estimate the average number of hours per week spent on tasks she doesn't want to do.

   • Calculate the equivalent salary for that time.

2. Opportunity Cost:

   • Assess the potential opportunities missed (e.g., career advancement, skill development, rest, personal projects) because of the time spent on unwanted tasks and neglecting self-care.

3. Health and Well-being Costs:

   • Consider potential health costs due to neglecting self-care, leading to increased medical expenses or reduced productivity.”

It then broke down these factors into more details. 

For Time Spent on Unwanted Tasks, it made several assumptions, which you may or may not agree with but it’s a place to start.

• Hours per week spent on unwanted tasks: 5 hours

• Weeks worked per year: 50 (assuming 2 weeks of vacation)

• Hourly wage: $40/hour 

I wasn’t sure where the $40/hour figure came from so I asked some follow-up questions. The first was. “What is the average salary of professional women in the United States?” It gave me some historical data and some median earnings, but not a mean average. What it did was give me some categories to ask about: women in management, professional, and related occupations.

I then asked it to give me the average of the women in the category of management, professional, and other related occupations, and the response was $103,168. That calculates to about $50/hour so I used that figure going forward.

The next factor was Opportunity Costs. This includes things like potential salary increases or bonuses missed due to a lack of focus on career advancement because of the continual focus on others and people-pleasing. AI estimated $5000, which seems pretty low to me, but since I have no other basis by which to come up with a figure, I’m going with that.

The last factor was Health and Well-being costs. The assumptions made by AI here were that there would be increased medical expenses of about $1000 due to stress and self-neglect. That too seems low to me, but again, I have no basis on which to come up with another figure. AI also assumed about $2000 because of decreased productivity due to burnout. Again, that seems low but we’re going with it.

Putting that all together here’s what that looks like:

Assuming an average salary of $103,000 equates to about $50/hour.

• Time spent on unwanted tasks = 5 hours/week x $50/hour = $250/week = $12,500/year

• Opportunity cost = $5000/year

• Health and well-being costs  = $3000/year

That totals $20,500 per year. Granted there have been lots of assumptions made here, but based on the women I work with, the assumptions are low. The high amount of stress caused to women who keep saying yes to things they don’t want to do causes them all kinds of physical, emotional, psychological, and relationship issues.

THE COST OF SELF-NEGLECT

The cost of self-neglect is incalculable, especially when I consider my own experience of neglecting (and even abusing) myself for decades. There’s no dollar amount you can put on loss of joy, fulfillment, health, and easy relationships. In addition, these figures don’t include the massive amounts of money these women often spend rescuing, fixing, and saving others as well as buying others’ affection. One of my clients told me that last year alone, she spent $85,000 enabling her adult son!

If you’re done donating $20,000 a year to the cause of people-pleasing, sign up for a free 30-minute Better Boundaries call with me.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

A new online resource called the New Haven People and the Environment Research Library (New Haven PERL) is now publicly available! We appreciate the invaluable support of those of you who have already contributed to the success of this project. 

Photo Credit: Ashlyn Ciara

We have certain instincts that we’re born with. They’re natural and are supposed to be there. These are things like security, self-esteem, and personal relationships. But what happens for many of us is that these instincts get distorted and out of proportion.

The way we talk about that in 12-step recovery is we say that that happens because we’ve acted out of our “defects of character.” One of my programs uses the term “defenses of character” which is a little softer than “defects of character.” Plus it conveys the notion that these character traits are a defensive reaction to something that happened to us. “Defects of character” makes it sound like it’s an inborn trait that can’t be changed, which is untrue.

The problem with all this is that when we're acting out of our defenses of character, we tend to get the opposite of what we want. That’s because when we act out of our defenses of character, we typically focus on what we don't want we end up creating that very thing.

The way this was explained to me the first time was this: let's say you want to have a good reputation. If you’re acting out of your defenses of character though, you instead focus on what don’t want: a bad reputation. So in order to enhance your reputation because you’re so fixated on not having a bad reputation, you lie, make stuff up, and/or embellish the truth. Maybe you fudge your sales report or say you’ve been places and done things you really haven’t. The goal is to make yourself look better, but by being dishonest and embellishing you actually ruin your reputation, the very thing you were trying to enhance!

Let’s take a look at this. If you change your focus from avoiding a bad reputation to building a good reputation, you’ll eventually achieve your goal of having a good reputation. Building a good reputation means things like being honest, kind, a woman of your word, following through, and not talking about people behind their backs. In other words, being a woman of integrity.

Another example that might resonate with you is the fear of abandonment. Most of us don't want to be abandoned by other people so we focus on that, rather than on what we do want: connection. If our primary concern is to not be abandoned by other people, we do things like cling and grasp at others. We cater to what they want, need, and like and we push aside our own preferences. As a result of that, we abandoned ourselves.

The result is that you’ve built abandonment into the relationship. You’re not actually in a relationship with the person when you’ve abandoned yourself to their preferences. Some fake version of you is in that relationship. They're not in a relationship with the actual you because they don't know who you really are. Even if they don't leave you, you’re emotionally abandoned by them because you've abandoned the relationship by not being there yourself!

The very thing we're trying to achieve – a good reputation, and true connection with others - is the very thing that we create when we act out of our defenses of character.
Here's the key to stopping that pattern, instead of going after what you don't want, go after what you actually do want. Keep the focus on YOU and what you want. Proactive people are much more focused on what they want and much less focused on what they don’t want. Where your attention goes, your energy follows.

For more posts like this go to: FridayFragments.news

Photo Credit: Andrej Lisakov

Yesterday a client told me her soon-to-be ex-wife called her “juvenile.” I wrote back “projection.” This was in response to my client asking to have their child’s car seat set up in her ex’s car according to the safety standards for his height and weight. Her ex kept putting her off and making shitty comments. She then offered to do it herself and was put off again. Last night she said, “I’ll drive him to daycare tomorrow” to which her ex said, “juvenile.”

The ex is prioritizing her disdain for my client above the safety of their child. That is juvenile behavior. And yet she’s calling my client “juvenile.” That’s a classic care of projection.

If you're not familiar with the concept of psychological projection, it goes something like this: when we have something emotionally or psychologically going on inside of us that’s too difficult or painful to deal with, rather than dealing with it internally we “project” it outward onto other people. Let’s use the quality of immaturity as an example, like my client’s ex.
When we can’t handle our own immaturity, we’re likely to get triggered when we experience immaturity in others. If they do anything that might remotely be considered immaturity, it’s like a neon sign and alarm bells go off. “IMMATURY ALERT!!!”

The expression we use to describe this concept of projection in recovery is, “You spot it, you got it. “ If there's something about other people that irritates the shit out of you and you see it all the time in others and the world, it's probably a quality you have. And one you don’t particularly like and have a hard time owning psychologically.

For me that quality is arrogance. I had no idea I was arrogant until I got into recovery. I realized that’s why arrogance is probably my most hated human quality – because I’m arrogant A.F. 
I had no idea I was arrogant until doing the 12 steps. I have a lot of grandiose thoughts and thoughts of superiority like, “If only they did things MY way.” I still have them sometimes, just not anywhere near as frequently. And now know they’re bullshit. That’s another thing I learned in recovery – just because I think something doesn’t mean it’s true! My mind was blown by that one!!

I still have arrogant thoughts, even though I don’t want to have them. Now I know not to believe them, though sometimes it takes me a while to recognize them. They’re just my thoughts, they’re not necessarily true. 
I have another story from recovery about projection that I experienced firsthand. Someone I cared deeply for projected their psychological issues onto me and blamed me for them. I'd heard of projection before that (and of course engaged in projection myself, I think we all do to some degree). I’d also seen it in action before, but not like this! Before I get into more detail I want to say that I’m not a psychologist. What I’m describing is from a layperson’s perspective, so please give me grace if I don’t get this exactly right.

The person who projected their stuff onto me, Here’s the story about someone in recovery who projected their shit onto me. I’ll call her Athena. She was probably my closest recovery friend at that time. After almost three years of recovery together, something happened to her. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but I think she got a bit too deep without professional help. And again, I’m not a psychologist, I’m just stating what I concluded after the fact

One night, Athena shared at a meeting that she just realized she’d been gaslighting herself for decades. She talked about how she made jokes about herself, then roped others into making those same jokes about her too. Then she’d get resentful of those people for making those jokes that she fed them about herself. All of this had come to her consciousness that week. She gave the following examples. 
She said, “I tell people all the time that I'm bad at math and I joke about it, meanwhile I’m successful in a career that’s math-based.” She proceeded to give two other very similar examples. Then she mentioned how she ropes others into making fun of her, then she resents them.

What happened next is that she started acting out toward others in recovery. This all came to light after the fact and our recovery community was able to put this together afterward. I’d also noticed that she’d started doing and saying things to me that were a little off. I didn't say anything to her about it because I was waiting to talk directly to her in person but she kept putting me off. 

I was definitely concerned about her behavior toward me and the way she’d acted in meetings and at coffee afterward. But I wanted to speak to her directly in person rather than on the phone or via text because this was really important. I wish now that I hadn’t waited to do that.

One day she sent me a text message that was pretty harsh. I texted her back to say, “I'm getting concerned by your messages so I need a break from you for a bit. Please don't contact me again for a while until I let you know that it's OK to do so.” She immediately texted me back and wrote to say, “Toughen up.”
I thought, “HELL NO!” and I blocked her on my phone. I immediately called a friend in recovery to come over and help me process the situation. When my friend got to my place and saw the text from her, she agreed that blocking her was the right thing to do.

As you can imagine, I was really disturbed by this whole situation. There was zero compassion in her response AND she didn’t honor my request to stop contact. This was someone who had been a close friend for several years.
Later that night I was writing an email to someone and a message from Athena came in and the subject line was, “You're hilarious” and I opened it. Inside the message she wrote, “FUCK YOU.” I blocked her from email too. 
I want to note here that since I grew up in a dysfunctional family, I have a high tolerance for dysfunction. It’s taken me years to understand that just because I have a high tolerance for dysfunction I don’t have to live up to that. Back then, I didn’t understand that opening her email after I’d blocked her on my phone was not a wise thing to do. I’ll call it “dysfunctional” because it didn’t serve my best interest.

A few days later I did another dysfunctional thing, which was to look in my spam folder to see if she had emailed me. Of course she had, three times. I didn’t open them, but I didn’t need to because of the subject lines. One of them said, “You have assassinated my character.”

Then I asked myself, “Why the hell did I go looking for those messages? Why did I go into my spam LOOKING FOR TROUBLE?!” Then I realized this is my pattern having grown up with dysfunction, I go looking for trouble. That was the last time I’ve ever gone into my spam folder to see if someone I blocked had messaged me!

I reached out to another fellow in recovery and asked them to check me - did I assassinate her character? I think I’m too close to this situation to know. She said, “No Barb, she assassinated her OWN character when she shared in the meeting that she made jokes about herself about math, etc.” She was telling us openly about assassinating her own character. Then I realized that was some serious projection!
Athena couldn’t internally handle knowing that she’d assassinated her own character, so she projected the blame for that onto me. When she admitted publicly that she had been saying bad things about herself and roping other people into making fun of her, she was assassinating her own character in two ways:

By making jokes about herself
By pulling others in on the game with her

When the understanding of what she was doing to herself bubbled up to the surface of her awareness to the point where she admitted it publicly, she just couldn’t deal with that. She just couldn’t bear the weight of knowing what she’d done to herself and she projected it outward onto me! This is a perfect example of what can happen when people are digging things up in recovery and not getting the professional help they need. 

This was one of the most painful things that I have been through in recovery. I had to do a LOT of step work on it. That was one of the strongest boundaries I’ve ever had to set when I blocked her. It really solidified for me an understanding of what projection is and it helped me in my own recovery, especially with my boundaries. I understood she was a very sick person and I HAVE TO protect myself from her. There’s no wavering on this boundary if I want to take care of myself.

I share this story in the hope that you might understand that when someone projects their issues onto you, it’s not about you, it’s about them. Think of them as ill. You don’t have to put up with their shit, but you also don’t have to condemn them. 

For more blog posts like this go to: FridayFragments.news

NOTE: This article is 2 years old, the current situation is even more urgent than in 2022.

Even before the pandemic and nationwide racial justice demonstrations gripped the nation in 2020, “climate philanthropy” was rapidly expanding and evolving, with large foundations and mega-donors pledging billions of additional dollars to address the climate crisis. With an estimated $125 trillion of climate investment needed by 2050 to decarbonize the world economy, this growing support is welcome, but still represents a relative drop in the bucket.

The scope and nature of the challenge the world faces calls for a fundamental re-think of the philanthropic sector’s approach to this burgeoning crisis. Responding to accelerating climate change should not simply be a stand-alone grantmaking priority, but a programmatic consideration that influences a wide range of funding decisions, from youth development to affordable housing to the arts, to name but three. The Center for Effective Philanthropy’s (CEP) recent research into the philanthropic and nonprofit sector’s climate-related views and actions underscores the need for a fresh approach...

https://cep.org/philanthropy-time-to-abandon-the-ivory-tower-of-climate-policy/ ;

Photo Credit: Patrick Tomasso

When I went through the process to stop gossiping, I realized a lot of things about myself. The realization that I gossiped was pretty astonishing, but there was so much more! Among other things, I realized…

• I was a much more negative person than I ever realized. I’m a life-long optimist, yet I did an enormous amount of complaining.
• I had a victim mentality. I believed that the world was acting ON me, rather than that I was acting on the world. This is despite always feeling like a powerful woman who has agency.
• I focused more on problems than solutions, despite having a “can do” attitude my whole life.
• I did a lot of things to make matters worse, like continually talking about negative things and therefore reliving them over and over.

That last point is what I want to share about in this essay. It’s what I call, “dragging the story with you.” I made up this phrase for myself because it helped me to see that, when I tell a negative story over and over again, it’s like a weight that I’m dragging around. The longer and farther I drag it, the more difficulty it creates in my life. 

Meanwhile, the thing I’m telling the story about happened just once. I cause myself to relive it again and again in the retelling of it, but it happened only once. 

I learned to stop “dragging the story with me” when I stopped gossiping because gossiping is just a variation of doing that. I used to talk negatively about my boss behind her back for many years. When I stopped doing that, I was absolutely astonished at how dramatically my resentment against her went down. It was a miracle!

That showed me that, though she had some problem behaviors, I magnified those problems 10-fold by repeatedly talking about them. Once I saw that, I began to think of it as “I'm the problem.” I don’t mean that in a self-deprecating way, I mean that in an empowering way. Let me explain:

If I’m the problem, then I get to be the solution. If other people are the problem, I’m screwed because I can’t do anything about them.

It’s not that my boss never did anything wrong. She was terribly unreliable in many ways. But my talking about it over and over again magnified the impact of that. For one, I relived the difficulty repeatedly, as did everyone who would listen to me. I even got others to join in with me. For another, my focus on problems meant I wasn’t seeking solutions, which meant the problems persisted.

But once I realized *I* was the problem, I set about seeking solutions. One of the main solutions was to stop dragging the story with me. Stop talking about the problem. When I continually talk about the problem, I’m acting like a victim who has no choices. 

As they say - where your attention goes, your energy follows. So when I stopped focusing on problems, my attention stopped going there and started focusing on solutions. One of which was to stop dragging the story with me. It was impossible for me to miss the enormous impact of that when it came to gossiping about my boss. It then became pretty easy to see how I’d been dragging all kinds of stories with me, and that if I stopped my life would improve. And of course, it did!

Here's an example of something I used to do. Let’s say someone pulled out in front of me on the highway that morning and almost caused me to crash. In the past, I’d probably retell that story a few times that day, and maybe even the next. It was bad enough that I had that terrible experience once. But telling the story over and over again made me relive the terror. That is not necessary.

If you find yourself doing things like that, or maybe saying things like, “Can you believe what she did?” I encourage you to ask yourself what your motivation is in sharing those things. Are you reliving the story just to relive the story (and perhaps continue to feel like a victim)? Or are you trying to process the event, make sense of it, and get some kind of resolution?

If it’s the former, please know you have the choice to stop that. And you have the power to decrease the drama in your life. If it’s the latter, that’s healthy. Keep doing that. Make sure you have emotionally healthy people to do that kind of processing with. 

When you keep dragging stories with you like I did, you’re acting like solutions don’t exist. Which means you will never SEEK solutions.

If the same kind of situation were to happen with a boss now that I’m several years into recovery, I’d go directly to my boss and say, “This isn't really working for me. Let’s find a way  to compromise that works for both of us.” If we were unable to do that, I wouldn’t stick around for 17 years like I did with her. I somehow didn't see leaving as an option back then, I didn’t see myself as having a choice. I acted as if the ONLY option I had was to stay and bitch.

When I stop sharing stories of difficulty over and over, I get to live in the present moment. The only way to have a well-lived life is to live in the present moment. That’s the only point in time when you can take action and make choices.

If you want to reduce the drama, chaos, dysfunction, and negativity in your life – stop dragging stories with you.

For more blog posts like this go to: FridayFragments.news

Feeling burnt out? Take a Self-Love Sprint!

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