Photo Credit: Unsplash

Your Intentions should matter to YOU because they impact your integrity. But they DON’T matter to others if the impact of your behavior on them is negative.

Why your intentions matter to you. 

Let’s say you’re doing something because you want someone to like you versus doing the same exact thing because you want to be kind and good. The impact on your integrity will differ based on your intent.

Running errands for someone just to make them like you chips away at your integrity. Why? Because you're trying to manipulate their opinion of you. Yeah, I know – it sucks to learn that, doesn’t it?! I felt the same way when that was pointed out to me. Keep in mind, this is info, not ammo (i.e., information to grow from, not ammunition to beat yourself up).

When you run errands for someone so they’ll like you, your intention is to get them to think a certain thing about you. Your intention is not to be good and kind. You may TELL yourself you’re just trying to be nice (which is what I used to tell myself and others) but that’s not what’s going on. I was trying to manipulate their opinion of me. I wasn’t aware of that until I got into recovery, but that’s what had been going on for decades.

If you run errands for someone and your intention is to be good and kind, that maintains or possibly even increases your integrity. That’s because you’re living your life according to spiritual principles like goodness and kindness. It’s also because you’re being honest with yourself and others about your motives.

In recovery, we learn to apply spiritual principles like honesty and kindness to everything we do. It’s about living with integrity, even when no one is watching.

Why your intentions don't matter to others.

Others don't care if you were “just trying to help” if what you did impacted them negatively. For example, if you’re white and you ask a dark-skinned person, “What are you?” they don't give a shit what your intention was. The effect is that it made them feel alienated and unwelcome. 

The implication is they're not from here or are something foreign because they’re not white. Your intention might be to get to know them but the impact is that you've alienated them. You’ve made them feel like they don't belong. That is so much more important to them than your intentions. They’re feeling alienated and unwelcome, so they don't really give a shit about your intentions.

This is really important to understand. Many people, especially those of us who are codependent, say things like, “I was only trying to help” to excuse bad behavior. As a recovered codependent, I can look back at my behavior and see that what I meant by that was, “You should give me a pass no matter what the impact is because my intentions were pure.” And thus the often repeated saying, “The road to hell was paved with good intentions.”

What was really going on was that I was often trying to be helpful so I could control the situation.  I wanted things to come out the way I wanted them to. In most cases, I wanted people to like me or think I was kind, so I said my intention was pure (to be nice or helpful). In fact, my intention was to manipulate people into liking me. I was blind to all this back then, mind you, which is why I’m sharing this now – so perhaps you’ll see your motives through stories of my former behavior.

Other people don't care about your intentions, but you should care about your intentions. Others can't see your intentions, they can only see your behavior. Even if you tell them about you, what they see is your behavior.

How to get clear about your intentions.

• Run your plan by a trusted person before you go through with that behavior. Tell them what you intend to do and ask if that sounds like a good idea to them. 
• Get the consent of others when you want to offer help. Make sure they actually want your help and agree to it before giving it. Give them the autonomy to choose whether or not to accept your help, which is respectful of them. 
• Wait to be asked for help. Don’t act like you know what’s best for others. 
• Try to think from the other person's perspective. Do your best to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Imagine how they might receive the thing you want to say or do. 

Doing these things will either maintain or improve your integrity. That’s because you’re being clear that your intention is to help in ways they want to be helped, not to help others no matter what they want. Being respectful of others is high-integrity behavior.

When it comes to your intentions, you may have to do some real soul-searching. I figured out that I was doing things to get people to think I was nice rather than doing them because I was nice. In other words, I was more focused on the perception that I was nice than actually being nice. Yikes!

I came to see this when someone in recovery asked me, “Why are you helping? Is it to be helpful or to get them to like you?” My initial response was that I was not doing it to get people to like me. But once that question percolated in my mind, I started asking myself what my motives were. That’s turned into one of the most important questions I ask myself when I'm trying to decide what the right thing to do is. 

Another question that I often pair with “What are my motives?” is “Does this serve my highest good?” These questions keep me in alignment with my integrity. Your integrity matters. Integrity is another word for wholeness. And who doesn’t want to be whole?

Your intentions may not matter to others, but they deeply affect your integrity. Take the time to reflect on your motives, and you’ll build a life rooted in honesty and self-respect.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

Each year, the Leadership Greater New Haven class, run by the Greater New Haven Chamber, assists nonprofit organizations and small for-profit businesses that have a specific strategic challenge.  

• LGNH is inviting organizations to submit a project for consideration. These projects can be based in the following areas: Marketing, HR, Finance, IT, or can be business plan development related OR solve other organizational challenges. These projects should not be event planning related.  
• Five (5) organizations will be selected to present their project to the leadership class on Wednesday, November 13th, 2024.  
• Each organization will have 15 minutes to present their issue directly to the class. The class will decide which projects it will undertake. Class teams of 4-5 business professionals will work with the selected organizations, on their projects, from November 2024 to February 2025.

***RESPONSES MUST BE SUBMITTED BY FRIDAY, OCTOBER 25TH, 2024***

Fill out the form here.

Do you work or volunteer at a nonprofit in the Greater New Haven area? Of course you do! Please join us at our second Nonprofit Social Hour this Tuesday October 29.

Join us again or an unforgettable evening of camaraderie, collaboration, and celebration! This event aims to bring together the nonprofit community in the Greater New Haven region in a laid back space to celebrate our work and unwind.

There will be light refreshments provided. As part of the Center for Community Collaboration's commitment to amplify the voices of emerging organizations in the Greater New Haven area, we're curating a vibrant space for feedback, connection, and collective brainstorming. Dive deep into meaningful conversations, sway to live tunes, and raise a glass to a more connected community. Whether you're looking to share insights or simply mingle with like-minded community champions, this night promises community-building with a twist of fun!

https://newhavenvision2034.com/events

We Love What Makes You Unique

Your perspective fuels our mission-driven work at United Way of Greater New Haven. We are committed to building a team that is inclusive across race, gender, age, religion, identity, and lived experience. As a team, we are also committed to addressing systemic racism and injustice in our community, our partnerships, and our practices.

Who Are We Looking For?

Do you have a knack for relationship-building and a talent for executing memorable fundraising and donor events?  We are looking for a proactive Fundraising and Events Coordinator to work independently and as a member of the Resource Development team to implement and support the fundraising initiatives at UWGNH that raise $3.5 million annually.

 
What You'll Do

Workplace Fundraising:

• Execute best practices for successful United Way workplace fundraising campaigns with local businesses to achieve revenue goals.
• Provide outstanding customer service with a focus on growing meaningful relationships.
• Support the Sr. Director of Development in managing priority workplace campaigns and partnerships.

Special Events:

• Plan and manage logistics for creative and engaging in-person and online community fundraising events including the annual Trike Race and our new Martini Competition and donor stewardship events.
• Provide support and service to company-sponsored employee engagement events including peer-to-peer fundraisers.

Department Coordination:

• Coordinate departmental and inter-departmental projects including mailings, donor touchpoints, recognition programs and promotional materials.

Corporate Engagement

• Identify new business prospects and participate in strategy development and solicitation.
• Represent United Way at networking and community events to increase visibility of United Way and build new relationships.

What You Need:

• Related Experience: One to two years of work experience, preferably at a non-profit. Bachelor’s degree a plus.
•  Communication Skills: Strong verbal communication and writing skills to effectively present United Way’s message to businesses, employees and the community. Comfort and ability to represent and speak about United Way in a variety of settings and with diverse audiences.
•  Project Management Skills: Strong organizational skills and attention to detail. Ability to manage multiple projects, prioritizing and planning for highest productivity.
•  Relationship Building: Skills to establish and maintain high quality relationships with a variety of stakeholders and create a consistent, positive experience for donors and organizations at every touch point. Collaborate and build relationships across the organization. Ability to work with diverse staff, partners, and volunteers.
•  Technology Skills: Strong proficiency in Microsoft Office applications including Word, Excel, PowerPoint, SharePoint and Teams. Experience with personalized large scale and small mailings required. Demonstrated comfort in learning new software/online tools as needed.
•  Database/CRM: Experience with Salesforce or other CRM products preferred. Knowledge of online giving platforms a plus.
•  Flexibility: Occasional evening or weekend hours are required. Reliable transportation with the ability to travel to and from meetings in greater New Haven is necessary.
•  Personal Qualities: Integrity, credibility, and dedication to the mission of UWGNH

The pay range for this position is $45,000-$49,000. 

United Way staff currently work in a hybrid environment, and this role is expected to work 3 days per week in our New Haven office.

In accordance with organizational policies, this position requires a criminal background check as a condition of employment. 

About United Way

We bring people and organizations together to create solutions to Greater New Haven's most pressing challenges in the areas of Education, Health, and Financial Stability, grounded in racial and social justice.  We operate according to our organizational values.

United Way is an Equal Opportunity Employer.

Don’t check off every box in the listed requirements? Please apply anyway! Studies have shown that marginalized communities - such as women, LGBTQ+ and people of color - are less likely to apply to jobs unless they meet every single qualification. United Way of Greater New Haven is dedicated to building an inclusive, diverse, equitable, and accessible workplace that fosters a sense of belonging – so if you’re excited about this role but your experience doesn’t align perfectly with every qualification in the job description, we encourage you to still consider submitting an application. You may be just the right candidate for this role or another one of our openings!

Too apply: Careers | United Way of Greater New Haven (uwgnh.org)

Photo Credit: Blameave Calvar

If other people are to blame for everything that's wrong in your life, you’re screwed! That would mean you have no options. I don’t believe that. When we realize that others are not to blame for the difficulties of our lives, we can take responsibility for making changes in our lives.

This doesn't mean nobody ever did anything to you that was harmful. It means that if you focus entirely on what other people or society did to you, you’re never going to try to make any changes because you’re acting like you don't have options. Staying in blame is like acting as if your fate has been sealed. But you actually DO have options. 

Here are a couple of famous examples from people in history who were horribly harmed, yet chose not to blame but instead to focus on what they COULD do. 

Nelson Mandela 

He was in prison for 27 years of hard labor, tortured, and treated horribly. He could have spent all that time in resentment and blame toward his captors, yet he chose to see his them as human. And he chose to use all that energy he would have been expending in blame and resentment toward his efforts to develop himself spiritually. He went on to become the first elected president of South Africa from 1994-99.

Victor Frankl 

He was imprisoned during the holocaust of WWII in four different concentration camps. He later wrote one of the top 10 most influential books in America Man’s Search for Meaning. It was based on the psychological theory he developed before being imprisoned which he put into practice during his imprisonment. His theory is based on the belief that life holds meaning regardless of one’s circumstances. He chose to MAKE meaning of his circumstances by caring for others while he was there.

Mandela and Frankl lived through some of the most horrendous situations humans can endure and they came out of those situations without blaming others. They decided to make choices about what to do with their lives. If they can do that, it’s also possible for you.

Even if other people did cause something and are to blame, it's not helping you to focus on blaming them. Nothing is changing by you focusing on blaming them. In fact, it’s probably paralyzing you and keeping you stuck where you are. 

When you stop blaming other people you can start looking for ways that you can make a difference. That is when everything will change. 

If your life sucks and you want it to change

When you blame others you’re not focused on yourself and what you can do in the here and now to help yourself. If your life sucks and you want it to change, you’ll have to stop focusing on blaming others so you can actually do something to change your circumstances.

It may feel unjust to stop blaming others, and maybe it is. But if you want your life to be different, you’ll need to set aside your anger at the injustice and prioritize taking control of your life. 

The Serenity Prayer is a good reminder here because it's an important key to how to have a good life. It articulates one of the central tasks of life: 

To understand the difference between the things we can and cannot change

When we discern the wisdom to know the difference between the things we can and cannot change, we can put our energy in the areas where we CAN make change. Most of us with unmanageable lives are focused entirely on things we can’t change. This leaves us with no energy or incentive to change what we CAN. We’re so drained by not being able to affect things that are out of our control that we’ve got nothing left to make changes where we do have control.

Once you understand what you can control and you put your focus on that, then it’s a matter of getting the courage to change the things you can. But you're never going to change anything if all you do is focus on blaming other people, what they did to you, and how unjust it was. When you blame them for not having accomplished the things you want to accomplish, you’re stuck. You’ll have to come out of blame so you can decide “I'm going to do something about this.”

Nothing can change what happened in the past, but you CAN change what will happen if you keep the focus on yourself.

Ready to take the next step towards a more fulfilling life?

Enroll in our Boundaries by Design course and start setting healthy boundaries today.

Learn practical tools and strategies for saying "no" with confidence, communicating your needs effectively, and prioritizing your own well-being.

In November, City Gallery welcomes new gallery member Robert Jacoby and his solo exhibition FREEWHEELING. The show runs November 3 - November 29, with an Opening Reception on Sunday, November 3, 2-4 p.m.

Jacoby has been an active artist since the mid-1980s, focused initially on representational drawing and painting. After retiring from the faculty at the Yale School of Medicine in the early 2000s, he moved to abstraction, initially to explore “duende,” the Dionysian force guiding flamenco singers and dancers to inspiring performance.

That exploration led to the diverse style visitors will see in the City Gallery exhibit — in which the artist is less concerned about “voice” than authentic expression.

A Guilford resident, Jacoby has shown work throughout Connecticut and is a member of the Guilford Art League, New Haven Paint and Clay Club, and City Gallery (New Haven).  You can see more of his work at www.jacobyart.com.

The FREEWHEELING exhibit is free and open to the public. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m., or by appointment. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

Photo Credit: Kateryna Hliznitso

I used to be confused about the difference between intensity and intimacy. I’m guessing some of you are too. I never had true intimacy with anyone before recovery, but I had lots of intense relationships. I mistook that intensity for intimacy. I’m pretty sure this is how my thinking went like: if there’s intensity, it must mean there’s a real, important, and tight connection (i.e., intimacy).

I know now that’s not necessarily true. In fact, in my experience since recovery, it’s patently untrue.

An Example of Intensity

I remember a woman at a meeting once talking about an episode with her boyfriend where she’d literally clung to his ankles, sobbing as he tried to leave. As she sobbed, she begged him not to leave her. She thought she was in love with him. She thought that desperate feeling that was so intense was proof of that love.

At the same time, she knew that clinging to his ankles, and sobbing as he tried to leave was not mature, adult behavior. This is a great example of mistaking the intensity of her feelings for intimacy. Drama is a good indicator that you’re experiencing intensity as opposed to intimacy, as this woman’s situation shows.

My Desire for Intimacy

For decades I craved intimacy. I really didn’t understand what it was from an experiential point of view. I thought I understood it theoretically. To be sure, I knew I didn’t have it! Recovery taught me that the only way to achieve intimacy is by being vulnerable with others. You simply can’t be intimate with another person if you’re not willing (or able) to be vulnerable with them.

I happen to be attracted to men, so all my romantic partners have been men. I tried to take a short cut to emotional intimacy with these men by having sex with them pretty early in the relationship. Mind you – I thought I wasn’t rushing into things by waiting 3-4 weeks to have sex with them. I convinced myself that that was “waiting.” 

I now understand that true intimacy is emotional, not physical, and you can’t shortcut it with physical intimacy. However, physical intimacy is greatly enhanced when there’s emotional intimacy. Physical intimacy just can’t come first. Believe me, I tried for decades in many relationships!

I’ve heard people use the phrase “Into Me I See” when referring to intimacy. But for the longest time, I always understood intimacy as “into me YOU see.” I thought of it as this: intimacy means I let You see inside of Me. Which it does, but I just didn’t get the Into Me *I* See thing.

I had a conversation with a client that helped me understand why we say “Into Me I see.” She was trying to get her partner to change her mind and admit that she was wrong. My client couldn’t see that that was what she was trying to do. She believed she was sharing “facts” with her partner, and that what she was saying was “correct.”

She thought she was doing her partner a favor by enlightening her to “the truth.” As our conversation progressed and she realized what she’d really been doing (trying to get her partner to admit she was wrong), I told her she now had an opportunity for some real intimacy with her partner. She could choose to discuss this with her partner and be vulnerable by sharing this not-so-nice thing she realized about herself. Or, she could choose to not share that she had had this realization and that she’d been trying to get her partner to admit she was wrong.

Together, we realized that it was only in a relationship with a partner she cared deeply about that she could really see her motives. We need the kind of reflection we get back from those who are close to us to really see ourselves. If we’re not authentic and vulnerable with others, what we get reflected back to us about ourselves will only skim the surface. She got to SEE into herself because of the intimate nature of her relationship with her partner.

For years I wanted desperately to be seen, to be known by others. But there was no way I was going to be emotionally vulnerable, so there was no way for me to be really known. Until recovery, experience showed me that being vulnerable was very risky. It led to ridicule, humiliation, shame, abandonment, and PAIN. Lots of pain.

What I didn’t know back then was that I had not learned to trust people who were trustworthy. I had this weird thing going on where I’d share TMI (too much info – before TMI was even a saying!). At the same time, I was holding back really important pieces of info about myself that led to intimacy: fears, insecurities, what I thought and felt. 

I often shared things with people who were untrustworthy, and then they’d violate my trust, and I‘d be mad at THEM for violating my trust. Sometimes people would show me in multiple ways that they were untrustworthy, but I’d trust them anyway! I think I was hoping that somehow, they’d turn into a trustworthy person if I just loved them enough. 

Now that I understand that that is what was what was going on, I’ve learned to trust people who are trustworthy. I really get now that trust is something we can only build over time. One of the ways I’ve learned to build trust is to share something a little bit personal and see how the person reacts. If they’re empathetic and kind, I’m more likely to trust them, and eventually share a little bit more with them. 

There are a variety of other ways people can respond that lead to trust, for sure. But the other thing they have to do, eventually, is share something with me. It doesn’t have to be tit for tat where every time I share something they share something too. But it should average out so that I’m not the only one doing the sharing. Intimacy means we are both open to sharing with each other. I’m not the only one sharing personal stuff and they’re not the only one either.

Building trust and intimacy came first in the rooms of recovery for me. When we share our worst behaviors, or our worst thoughts or fears, it’s a pretty bonding experience. Building trust takes time and for me, it largely comes down to having healthy boundaries. In fact, a huge part of my recovery comes down to boundaries (which is why I became a boundaries coach – because they were so game-changing in so many areas of my life!).

Someone who has well-established boundaries is trustworthy because I know who I’m getting! I know that who they say they are is who they actually are. That’s who’s going to show up. And THAT is someone I can be intimate and vulnerable with. And because I now have healthy boundaries, I trust myself to show up as my full self. That means others who are well-boundaries are more likely to be attracted to me. 

I am now attracted to, and attractive to, a completely different kind of person now that I have healthy boundaries. My sweetheart is a prime example. One of the things that attracted me to him the most when we first started dating was that he had really healthy boundaries.

I’ve now been able to create intimate relationships with others, both in terms of friendships and romantically because I have healthy boundaries and am able to discern who is trustworthy and then be vulnerable with them. I let them see the real, flawed (and awesome) me. 

If you don’t really know how to BE in relationships in the ways I’ve described above, I’m offering an 8-week structured course for women called, “Boundaries by Design – A Blueprint for Your Life.” In this course, you’ll find the BE in boundaries: 

?How to be in your life

?How to be in your feelings

?How to be situated within yourself

?How to be in healthy relationships

?How to be in organizations

?How to be generous with your time and talents in a way that’s sustainable

Find out more here.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

Oct 10th, my 71st birthday, I will be the Investor Guest Speaker at the Captial For Change's Annual Meeting.

Diane Smith Introduces Me

Susan Huizenga retired into the role of volunteer Executive Director of WPAA-TV and Media Center fifteen years ago because any person or organization could be empowered using its tools & stage.  Her community service began 45 years ago with two years of VISTA. Subsequent roles have included foster mom, President of the League of Women Voters of New Haven, Chairman of a Cable Advisory Council, Prison Chaplain’s Toy Drive Coordinator, Fantasy of Lights Holiday Team Lead, and church treasurer - all with two things in common: cherishing family and staying out of the limelight. Finally, heeding the advice of her VISTA supervisor, she agreed not to keep her light under a basket. Susan Huizenga, her friends call her Adele, will share how she came to be a C4C advocate.

Our Story Together Begins in 1971

In 1971, a few months before Ned Coll's 'Free the Beaches' fame, the Founder of the Hartford North End Revitalization Corps was my high school commencement speaker.

I was on the speaker selection committee. In my send-off to college, My dad gave me a brick and placard. He suggested I was radicalized by Ned Coll. My Dad had more in common with the tenacious Mr. Coll than he knew. They both had a fundamental belief.

Having a home is essential to stability, which is essential to all other opportunities.

I adopted this belief as a core value.

As a business systems analyst of 30-something years, I am a fan of solutions with process improvement. The 2016 merger forming Capital For Change elevated my awareness and appreciation of what I knew about the Greater New Haven Community Loan Fund (GNHCLF).

The loan fund was incorporated, in part, as a result of a two-year interfaith collaboration that supported people temporarily housed by the state in the motel near Merit Parkway Tunnel. We funded security deposits, found furnishings, and moved families into their new apartments ~ many times after cleaning them.

It was there that I met Mr. Harris and his two grandchildren. He was at the motel for 18 months. He provided Social Work Services to motel families without compensation. He had lost his home to fire. The kids lost their mother to opiates. He was relocated to Newhallville. We kept in touch. When I relocated from the Beaver Hill neighborhood in New Haven to North Branford for my growing foster family, Mr. Harris moved into my section 8-approved house.

With these stories, I am not suggesting that to be an investor in Capital For Change you need to be radical in any way. However, I believe the values of equity & solution-driven strategies are critical to the engagement of prospective C4C investors.

Investing reconnected me to housing advocacy. I will add to my investment annually until the modest return can pay for the taxes on my Wallingford home. WPAA-TV will soon make at least one more recurring loan as part of its long-term sustainability strategy for 28 S Orchard St.

I do not know if some version of C4C was operating in 2009. The property owner had agreed to hold the paper with terms of ‘no down payment, 15 yrs. for 6 percent’. A few days before our closing, the terms changed to $40,000 down and 6.5 percent interest. It felt impossible and the rationale was disturbing.

It turns out WPAA-TV would be rescued by my dad's secret love: Violin Music.  The man I excavated out of a dilapidated trailer park in Florida because to quote him ‘He only needed shelter” was a secret fan ClassicArts TV played after midnight on WPAATV. He offered us a C4C-style solution. He loaned us the down payment at 5% interest. He suggested we do an interest-only loan for our 1st year to help with our cash flow. Within 12 years WPAA-TV was debt-free.

We, the Board of WPAA-TV, and I know the value of a good investment partner and are proud to be part of C4C's mission as investors.

LISC Connecticut will launch a second round of its Capacity Building Cohort in January 2025 for community development corporations (CDCs) and other community development organizations providing critical support to residents living with low- to moderate-incomes. This program is sponsored in part by JPMorganChase Foundation and leverages US Department of Housing & Urban Development Section 4 funding.

Eligibility Criteria:

• Be a registered 501(c)(3)
• Be working in the state of Connecticut
• Provide core community development activities (as defined by US HUD).
• Have at least 1 paid, FT staff member (for volunteer-led organizations, please contact LISC to discuss)

LISC is seeking to work with organizations that have organizational administrative capacity challenges they are trying to or would like to address; organizations that may have had findings from audits or other fiscal challenges; and/or organizations with leadership (staff and board) reflective of the communities the organization serves.

Cohort Highlights Include:

• 1:1 Coaching w/ Consultant
• 6 In-person Peer Learning Sessions with other cohort participants
• $15,000 grant in Year 1; Access to apply for additional funding in Year 2

To learn more about the cohort, please join LISC for a virtual open house on Friday, October 25 - we will have a short presentation and Q&A session starting at the top and bottom of each hour, from 9 to 11 AM. (Register here: https://lisc-org.zoom.us/meeting/register/tZ0pcu-tqzIpGdGg34zgQseQN5DncO3AeOjC)

For more information, please review the Program Flyer or Review the FAQs.

Interested organizations may apply here: https://lisc.tfaforms.net/1317. Applications due Friday, November 8 at 11:59 PM.

If you have any questions, please contact Kasey LaFlam, Director of Partnerships & Programs (klaflam@lisc.org). 

Photo Credit: Anete Lusina

Telling the truth can be really scary sometimes, especially if you’ve been dishonest for much of your life. Given my history of addiction, compulsion, obsession, mental health problems, and growing up in a dysfunctional family, it makes total sense why telling the truth was so scary for me. Withholding information was a tool I used to control, manipulate, and feel safe for most of my life.

But I didn't really even know that was going on. I thought I was an honest person when I got into recovery at age 52. NOPE! Not true! This is what’s called “denial” in recovery (D-E-N-I-A-L: Don’t Even Notice I’m A Liar). 

It was through the process of 12-step recovery that I came to see how dishonest I was. I outright lied about stuff sometimes, but my main form of dishonesty was withholding information. I call that “managing information.” I did it to construct the image I wanted people to have of me. That might have been that I wanted them to think I was nice or kind or helpful or smart or knowledgeable or generous, whatever.

I can now see the root cause of that was that I cared more what other people thought about me than what I thought of myself. That meant that I was willing to be dishonest to get what I wanted. That’s another way of saying I was willing to compromise my integrity for the “good opinion” of others. I was willing to throw my integrity out the window so you’d approve of me. I'm not willing to do that anymore. 

I’m going to recount a situation that happened a few years ago in the hopes that it will be instructive for you in seeing your own patterns, whether they’re patterns of dishonesty or something different. 

What I learned about telling the truth. 

In a moment I’ll share the actual truth of the matter at hand here. The truth of this situation is not anywhere near as important as me TELLING the truth about it (at least for me, in this instance). 

A few years ago, a situation arose in my business where I had a feeling of holding on to something like I was a pressure cooker. Tension was building and I didn't know what it was until it came out through journaling. Journaling revealed that the pressure resulted from my fear that people would find out the truth about something. As I started thinking about telling the truth, I realized I had much more fear of telling the truth than fear of people finding out what that truth actually was. 

The truth I’d been afraid to share was that the first time I tried to recruit participants for a group coaching program I was offering, no one signed up. The only person who got in did so for free because of a promotion I did. I felt really shitty about it. The idea that I shouldn't let other people know that nobody had signed seemed kind of crazy to me. except that it’s not, given my history of dishonesty. Withholding information was like a well-worn groove that was easy to slip into.

There’s so much about this that’s interesting. At first, I didn't even know I had fear. I could just feel the pressure in my body, and I had to do some journaling to get at it. The pressure was that I was trying to push down or cover up the truth. I wanted to keep other people from finding out that nobody had signed up for my group coaching program. 

All this information about the coaching program pales in comparison to what I learned about myself in terms of telling the truth. The idea of telling the truth made me feel like I was going to die. It was really painful, as was the realization that I really didn’t want to tell the truth.

This situation reminded of when I first got into recovery. I did the 12 steps with three other women and when we started doing the new behaviors, whether it was telling the truth, setting a boundary, or taking time for ourselves, we’d say to each other, “I did the thing and I didn't die!”

We joked about not dying! We felt like we really needed to keep saying, “…and I didn't die” because we honestly felt like we were going die when even thinking about engaging in our new behavior. Personally, I felt that it was psychologically important for me to reinforce for myself that I didn't die from doing the new thing. I needed to get that info into my subconscious mind so it would register: You Did The Thing And Didn’t Die.

If you're new to changing your behavior patterns, it can be scary. But guess what? You're not going to die! Even if it feels like it, you’re not going to die!

The reward of telling the truth is that you respect yourself. You've shown up for yourself in a way you may never have before. I think of it as becoming closer to God because of something my deceased brother Pat once said to me: “If you don’t want to know the truth, then you don’t want to know God, because God is truth.” So if you can't tell the truth, you can't get close to God

And so, dear reader, I challenge you: if there's something you've been withholding from someone, even if it's yourself you've been withholding it from, tell the truth. It will set you free and bring you into integrity with yourself. 

Back when I went through this whole situation, I started by telling the truth about my coaching program to my coach. I told her I’d be posting about it on social media. Then I told my sweetheart. Then I posted it. Then I told a sponsee who said, “I’m having a problem with fear” and asked how I deal with it. I told him that story and he was really grateful because it helped him to realize that he was trying to massage the truth in a situation where he was fearful and that the truth is the truth. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to be afraid of people finding it out. 

I later had an outreach call with someone new to recovery, and I shared the same story with her. She was moved by my story and got some healing from our conversation. Look what happened there: I told the truth and didn’t die. In fact, I reinforced my integrity (another word for wholeness) AND I was able to contribute to the healing of the people I shared the story.

How crazy is that?? I was afraid, and that fear led me to the truth, which led to my healing and the healing of others. So again, if you’re withholding something, tell it. Tell the truth. It will lead to your wholeness. I promise you.

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Join us this Monday, October 7th, at 11:00 am in Ives Squared at the Ives Memorial Library as the New Haven Free Public Library (NHFPL) hosts the Regional Digital Navigator Kick-off! This event marks the official launch of our regional partnership to provide expanded computer and technology assistance in the form of a Digital Navigator in communities throughout the state of CT, supported by an Institute of Museum and Library Services (IMLS) grant in collaboration with the State Library.

What is a Digital Navigator?
According to the National Alliance of Digital Navigators, they are "trusted guides who assist community members with ongoing, individualized support for accessing affordable and appropriate connectivity, devices, and digital skills."

The Digital Navigators provided through the State Regional Hub are trained team members who specialize in offering personalized help with all kinds of technology, from computers and tablets to online tools and services.

How does this benefit our community?
While NHFPL staff already assist patrons with their tech needs, they also juggle many other responsibilities including general reference, collection development, and programming. The Digital Navigator program allows us to offer a dedicated team member solely focused on providing individualized tech support, whether at the Library or out in the community. Plus, participants who commit to working with a Digital Navigator for multiple sessions may be eligible to receive a free laptop or tablet of their own to keep!

We are thrilled to host this kick-off, especially as it coincides with the start of Digital Inclusion Week 2024. We’re looking forward to welcoming our partners from Bridgeport, Hamden, Naugatuck, Derby Neck, West Haven, and Woodbridge, along with Mayor Elicker and local elected officials.

Meet Our New Haven Digital Navigator
Help us spread the word about Hugh-John Dunkley, New Haven's very own Digital Navigator! A recent graduate in Computer Science from the University of New Haven, Hugh-John is available to meet with clients at the library or anywhere in the community—coffee shops, community centers, and colleges (just not private homes). Bilingual support is available in English, Spanish, and Arabic. He is available in New Haven on Wednesdays and Thursdays, by appointment.

Learn more about the program here.

How can a Digital Navigator help me?
Our Digital Navigators assist with job applications, résumé building, basic Microsoft and Windows skills, email setup, learning how to use computer programs, navigating MyChart, college applications, and distance learning tools. They can also help with any type of digital device beyond just PCs and tablets.

Celebrate Digital Inclusion Week with Us!
Digital Inclusion Week highlights the importance of bridging the digital divide. For many, access to technology is a barrier to career mobility, applying for benefits, or accessing education or healthcare resources. Digital equity is key to ensuring everyone can use digital tools confidently and effectively.

Here are some exciting programs happening systemwide during Digital Inclusion Week:

Resume and Tech Support with Yale Undergraduate Prison Project (YUPP)** at Ives on 10/5
Introduction to Computer Literacy Series** in partnership with CfAL starting 10/7 at Ives (three-part series)
Digital Navigator Introduction and Cyber Security Awareness** for local senior centers on 10/10 at Ives

Remember, NHFPL also lends free hotspots and Chromebooks to help extend access beyond the Library walls.

Let's work together to build a digitally inclusive community!

by Jan Ellen Spiegel, CT Mirror September 27, 2024 

This newly rebuilt culvert in Southbury was just about complete when the August storm hit. Even though the road was not yet paved, the construction held and the bed for the road did not wash away. It was completed a few days later. Credit: Jan Ellen Spiegel