From Intensity to Intimacy: My Journey in Building Real Connections

[Barb Nangle]

Photo Credit: Kateryna Hliznitso

I used to be confused about the difference between intensity and intimacy. I’m guessing some of you are too. I never had true intimacy with anyone before recovery, but I had lots of intense relationships. I mistook that intensity for intimacy. I’m pretty sure this is how my thinking went like: if there’s intensity, it must mean there’s a real, important, and tight connection (i.e., intimacy).

I know now that’s not necessarily true. In fact, in my experience since recovery, it’s patently untrue.

 

An Example of Intensity

I remember a woman at a meeting once talking about an episode with her boyfriend where she’d literally clung to his ankles, sobbing as he tried to leave. As she sobbed, she begged him not to leave her. She thought she was in love with him. She thought that desperate feeling that was so intense was proof of that love.

At the same time, she knew that clinging to his ankles, and sobbing as he tried to leave was not mature, adult behavior. This is a great example of mistaking the intensity of her feelings for intimacy. Drama is a good indicator that you’re experiencing intensity as opposed to intimacy, as this woman’s situation shows.

 

My Desire for Intimacy

For decades I craved intimacy. I really didn’t understand what it was from an experiential point of view. I thought I understood it theoretically. To be sure, I knew I didn’t have it! Recovery taught me that the only way to achieve intimacy is by being vulnerable with others. You simply can’t be intimate with another person if you’re not willing (or able) to be vulnerable with them.

I happen to be attracted to men, so all my romantic partners have been men. I tried to take a short cut to emotional intimacy with these men by having sex with them pretty early in the relationship. Mind you – I thought I wasn’t rushing into things by waiting 3-4 weeks to have sex with them. I convinced myself that that was “waiting.” 

I now understand that true intimacy is emotional, not physical, and you can’t shortcut it with physical intimacy. However, physical intimacy is greatly enhanced when there’s emotional intimacy. Physical intimacy just can’t come first. Believe me, I tried for decades in many relationships!

I’ve heard people use the phrase “Into Me I See” when referring to intimacy. But for the longest time, I always understood intimacy as “into me YOU see.” I thought of it as this: intimacy means I let You see inside of Me. Which it does, but I just didn’t get the Into Me *I* See thing.

I had a conversation with a client that helped me understand why we say “Into Me I see.” She was trying to get her partner to change her mind and admit that she was wrong. My client couldn’t see that that was what she was trying to do. She believed she was sharing “facts” with her partner, and that what she was saying was “correct.”

She thought she was doing her partner a favor by enlightening her to “the truth.” As our conversation progressed and she realized what she’d really been doing (trying to get her partner to admit she was wrong), I told her she now had an opportunity for some real intimacy with her partner. She could choose to discuss this with her partner and be vulnerable by sharing this not-so-nice thing she realized about herself. Or, she could choose to not share that she had had this realization and that she’d been trying to get her partner to admit she was wrong.

Together, we realized that it was only in a relationship with a partner she cared deeply about that she could really see her motives. We need the kind of reflection we get back from those who are close to us to really see ourselves. If we’re not authentic and vulnerable with others, what we get reflected back to us about ourselves will only skim the surface. She got to SEE into herself because of the intimate nature of her relationship with her partner.

 

For years I wanted desperately to be seen, to be known by others. But there was no way I was going to be emotionally vulnerable, so there was no way for me to be really known. Until recovery, experience showed me that being vulnerable was very risky. It led to ridicule, humiliation, shame, abandonment, and PAIN. Lots of pain.

What I didn’t know back then was that I had not learned to trust people who were trustworthy. I had this weird thing going on where I’d share TMI (too much info – before TMI was even a saying!). At the same time, I was holding back really important pieces of info about myself that led to intimacy: fears, insecurities, what I thought and felt. 

I often shared things with people who were untrustworthy, and then they’d violate my trust, and I‘d be mad at THEM for violating my trust. Sometimes people would show me in multiple ways that they were untrustworthy, but I’d trust them anyway! I think I was hoping that somehow, they’d turn into a trustworthy person if I just loved them enough. 

Now that I understand that that is what was what was going on, I’ve learned to trust people who are trustworthy. I really get now that trust is something we can only build over time. One of the ways I’ve learned to build trust is to share something a little bit personal and see how the person reacts. If they’re empathetic and kind, I’m more likely to trust them, and eventually share a little bit more with them. 

There are a variety of other ways people can respond that lead to trust, for sure. But the other thing they have to do, eventually, is share something with me. It doesn’t have to be tit for tat where every time I share something they share something too. But it should average out so that I’m not the only one doing the sharing. Intimacy means we are both open to sharing with each other. I’m not the only one sharing personal stuff and they’re not the only one either.

Building trust and intimacy came first in the rooms of recovery for me. When we share our worst behaviors, or our worst thoughts or fears, it’s a pretty bonding experience. Building trust takes time and for me, it largely comes down to having healthy boundaries. In fact, a huge part of my recovery comes down to boundaries (which is why I became a boundaries coach – because they were so game-changing in so many areas of my life!).

Someone who has well-established boundaries is trustworthy because I know who I’m getting! I know that who they say they are is who they actually are. That’s who’s going to show up. And THAT is someone I can be intimate and vulnerable with. And because I now have healthy boundaries, I trust myself to show up as my full self. That means others who are well-boundaries are more likely to be attracted to me. 

I am now attracted to, and attractive to, a completely different kind of person now that I have healthy boundaries. My sweetheart is a prime example. One of the things that attracted me to him the most when we first started dating was that he had really healthy boundaries.

I’ve now been able to create intimate relationships with others, both in terms of friendships and romantically because I have healthy boundaries and am able to discern who is trustworthy and then be vulnerable with them. I let them see the real, flawed (and awesome) me. 

If you don’t really know how to BE in relationships in the ways I’ve described above, I’m offering an 8-week structured course for women called, “Boundaries by Design – A Blueprint for Your Life.” In this course, you’ll find the BE in boundaries: 

🧭How to be in your life

🧭How to be in your feelings

🧭How to be situated within yourself

🧭How to be in healthy relationships

🧭How to be in organizations

🧭How to be generous with your time and talents in a way that’s sustainable

Find out more here.

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