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For years, I didn’t realize how brutally I spoke to myself in my own mind until I read a book that held up a mirror to my inner dialogue.

It was When Food Is Love by Geneen Roth. She wrote out the exact phrases her clients used to berate themselves… and my stomach dropped. I say those things to myself.

I was horrified to discover this undercurrent of self-loathing I’d never consciously acknowledged. How could I, someone who never overtly hated myself, be so cruel in the privacy of my own thoughts?

Here’s the truth I learned the hard way: You cannot beat yourself into becoming better.

The Broken Logic of Self-Punishment

We tell ourselves we're being "motivated" by this harshness. The twisted logic goes something like this: If I'm cruel enough to myself, if I punish myself sufficiently for my mistakes and shortcomings, eventually I'll become better.

But here's the truth I learned through painful experience: Self-flagellation doesn't work. Ever.

Take a moment to honestly ask yourself:

• In all your years of beating yourself up, has it ever actually produced lasting positive change?
• Have you ever witnessed someone being bullied or abused into becoming their best self?
• When has shame ever been the catalyst for genuine transformation?

The answer is simple: Never. Even worse, this creates confirmation bias. If you believe you’re a failure, you’ll:

1. Seek evidence, ignoring anything that contradicts it..
2. Twist neutral events into "proof".
3. Live smaller to avoid disproving the story.

The Antidote: Scaffolding Your Way Up

Changing this pattern isn’t about flipping a switch from I hate myself to I’m radiantly confident. It’s a gradual climb like building scaffolding to reach a higher floor. Here’s how:

Step 1: Identify the Poison

Write down your most frequent self-attacks. For me, it was “You’re too much”. For you, it might be “You’re not enough”, “I'll never recover from this” or “I always mess things up”

Step 2: Stop the Bleeding

Ask:

• Would I let someone talk to my best friend this way?
• Would I tolerate it if directed at me?

(Spoiler: You’d probably throw hands.)

This creates cognitive dissonance - the uncomfortable gap between what we believe and what we know to be true. That discomfort is actually progress.

Step 3: Replace the Narrative

Think of your mind as a poisoned well. Stopping the toxins is the first step, but to heal faster, you need medicine: affirmations.

You don’t have to believe them yet. This is where scaffolding comes in:

• Start neutral (I have a body instead of I hate my body).
• Later, shift to positive (I appreciate my body).
• Eventually, aim for loving (I love my body).

I used this method to replace I’m too much with I am just the right amount of everything. At first, it felt like a lie. Now? It’s my truth.

Your Toolkit

• Podcast Episodes to Help:
  • #25: Act As If 
  • #5: Affirming Ourselves.
  • Bonus Episode: Affirmations for Addicts (a no-music, straight-to-the-good-stuff guide).
• Daily Practice: Repeat your scaffolded phrases like vitamins—consistency trumps intensity.

The Bottom Line

You were created in love, for love. Beating yourself up isn’t motivation; it’s self-sabotage in disguise.

Start small. Stop the poison. Build your scaffolding.

And if you know someone who needs this? Send it to them. We all deserve wells filled with clean water.

You are beloved.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

Are you spiritually fit? Or are things just going your way?

We've all had those weeks where everything seems to go wrong. But how we handle those moments reveals a lot about our inner strength. Are you spiritually fit? Or are things just going your way?

That question stopped me in my tracks. It came at the end of a week that tested my patience, resilience, and ultimately, my understanding of what it truly means to be “spiritually fit.” Quite a number of things didn't go my way that week. It showed me that I am much more spiritually fit than I used to be. In other words, I've learned to live life on life’s terms. This is a common saying in 12-step recovery. 

I first heard that phrase about 20 years ago from a guy in recovery. He’d say, “I've learned to live life on life's terms, not my terms.” I really didn't understand conceptually what that meant. Of course, I know what the definitions of those words mean, but I really didn't get it. And now I do. 

To truly understand this concept, let me walk you through a week that tested me. My sweetheart and I were going to the movies and decided to meet at the theater rather than go together. It turns out we went to different theaters! I texted him to say I was in the lobby and then I saw that he’d just texted me that he was at the other theater and on his way to me.

I called him immediately and he didn't answer so I texted him to say I’d stay there and until I heard from him. A while later he called and said, “I’m at the end of my rope, I'm gonna go home.”

When I got to his house, his car was there already which was weird because I was in town he was out of town. It turned out he’d taken his motorcycle (which explains why he didn't answer the phone when I called).

When he got home, he had a frown on his face. This is quite notable given that he’d just gotten off his motorcycle - nothing makes him smile like being on two wheels. I said, “Wow! You look really sad.” He said, “I'm done in. I am just done”

After he took off his motorcycle boots I asked if we could hug. He said, “I'm not there yet” and I said, “Okay, do you need me to go occupy myself for a little while?” and he said yes.

I went in the bedroom and read for awhile. Eventually, he came in and he said he was slowed down now. If this had been the past, I would have been super upset about the mixup and about him not wanting a hug and needing some alone time to slow down and refuel. 

I didn’t take these things personally, or make them mean anything about me or the status of our relationship. He has a chronic illness so he has limited energy, so it was clear that he was just done in by all of the stimuli.

Before recovery, I would have turned all those things into a huge fight that would have had lasting effects for weeks, if not years. The next morning I told him that it was miracle that I didn’t even get phased by the whole movie thing and that he needed alone time. I wanted to share with him how amazing that was given my life history of wanting live life on Barb’s terms.

As I was getting ready to leave, I couldn’t find my car keys, which is highly unusual for me. It turned out that they were in my car – they’d fallen out of purse onto the seat. At the time, my spare key was with a friend on my side of town so I was going to call her. Instead, he proposed that I take his car since he has motorcycles to get around with. 

Later that day I was scheduled to do an online presentation at noon and I was supposed to sign on at 11:45. At 11:40 I knocked my computer on the floor and that fall bent the so I couldn’t plug it in. The battery was drastically low, so I went to the  IT guy at the coworking place and borrowed a laptop just in time.

I use my computer to run my business, so I needed a cord right away. I drove to Best Buy in North Haven to get one. While I was there, I remember that I needed a new journal so I went next door to Target. Then I remembered some other things I needed, so I went in, but then promptly forget what else I wanted to get!

I prayed for guidance and as I did that I turned around in the middle of the stationary aisle and kicked a little ball. Mind you, I was in the stationary aisle, not the ball aisle. It made me remember, “Oh that's right, I need a ball to do my physical therapy.”

Then, I found the exact kind of water bottle I’d been looking for. I have a whole list of specifications for my water bottles and I hardly ever find ones that have them all, but this one does!

I wouldn’t have gotten ANY of these things had I not gone to Target. And I wouldn't have gone to Target if I hadn’t knocked the computer off the table and then gone to Best Buy.

These kinds of things - locking my key in the car, breaking my computer cord (for the third time) are the kind of things that would have taken me down in the past. I would have been so angry and upset. Now I realize THIS is the kind of thing people are talking about in recovery when they say, “We accept life on life’s terms.” 

Now, I deeply understand what it means to live life on life’s terms. It means sometimes you

• go to the wrong movie theater 
• have miscommunication
• lock your keys in the car 
• break the cord on your computer 

Sometimes a whole bunch of that stuff happens in a row. That's just life. These are the kinds of things that happen sometimes -  to everybody. I no longer allow those kinds of things to take my serenity away, otherwise I’ll have a very dissatisfying life. 

Before recovery, I didn't know it was an option to be serene when these kinds of things happened. What I saw growing up was that you got pissed off about things like that. In other words, I learned to live as if I were a victim of life – that life was happening at me or to me. I now understand these are just things that are happening. They're not happening TO me, they're just happening.

It's just part of life, negative things happen to everybody. There's nothing so special about me that nothing negative will ever happen to me. It's how I handle those things that matter. That's another saying I heard so many times before recovery that I didn’t quite understand: “It's not what happens to you, it's how you handle it that determines the quality of your life.”

I understood that theoretically, I just didn't REALLY get it.

What it looks like to live life on life’s terms means understanding that things happen to everyone. Sometimes, a whole bunch of good stuff happens in a row, sometimes a whole bunch of bad stuff happens in a row. Rest assured, good things and bad things will happen. When you fight against that, you’re trying to live life on your terms, not on life’s terms.

There’s a difference between surrendering and being resigned to things. When you surrender to what’s happening, you make peace with it. You stop taking it personally and step out of victim mentality. When you simply resign yourself, you take on an attitude like, “Life sucks and then you die.” There’s no peace in that. And it’s dripping with victim mentality, which is no way to get to peace and serenity.

If you want to have a life of emotional well-bring, learning how to accept what’s happening and surrender to it will change everything. Being resigned will only perpetuate and magnify your difficulties.

Here are some examples of things you can do to get you to acceptance of life on life’s terms.

•   Practice gratitude for the small things, especially during difficult times.
•   Focus on what you can control, not what you can't.
•   Develop self-compassion and forgive yourself for mistakes.
•   Practice mindfulness to observe your emotions without judgement.

So, the next time life throws you a curveball, remember that it's not happening to you, it's simply happening. Embrace the unexpected, find your serenity, and live life on life's terms. You might be surprised at the peace you find. This week, I challenge you to observe how you react when things don't go your way. Actively look for moments of serenity amidst the chaos. Choose peace and serenity and you will find it.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

Last year was the hottest year on record, and now a recent NASA-led analysis shows that 2024 also marked an unexpected increase in sea level rise. While scientists had expected the rate of sea level rise for 2024 to be 0.17 inches per year, the true measure reached 0.23 inches per year.

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/sea-levels-rose-more-than-expected-in-2024-according-to-a-nasa-analysis-180986256/

After a recent change by the Trump administration, the federal government no longer explicitly prohibits contractors from having segregated restaurants, waiting rooms and drinking fountains.

The segregation clause is one of several identified in a public memo issued by the General Services Administration last month, affecting all civil federal agencies. The memo explains that it is making changes prompted by President Trump's executive order on diversity, equity and inclusion, which repealed an executive order signed by President Lyndon B. Johnson in 1965 regarding federal contractors and nondiscrimination. The memo also addresses Trump's executive order on gender identity...

https://www.npr.org/sections/shots-health-news/2025/03/18/nx-s1-5326118/segregation-federal-contracts-far-regulation-trump

The Community Foundation for Greater New Haven invites you to a special listening series with our new President and CEO Karen DuBois-Walton.

This is an opportunity to share your voice, ideas and hopes for the future of our region!

Why attend?

Help shape The Foundation’s priorities and impact.
Connect with others who are passionate about building a stronger, more equitable community.
Engage in meaningful discussions on topics that matter to you.

REGISTER HERE

Bookending is a concept I learned in recovery that I found it extremely when setting difficult boundaries or having really tough conversations. If you’ve ever had an accountability partner for something, then you’ve been exposed to the concept of bookending. The idea is that you “bookend” your commitments with another person by connecting with them before and after you do the thing you’ve committed to.

Leveraging codependency powers for good.

For example, if you’re having a hard time going to the gym, you might text a friend and say, “I’m going to the gym today come hell or high water. I’ll text you when I’m leaving the gym.” I think of this as leveraging my codependent powers for good.

What I mean by “leveraging my codependent powers for good” is this: I have codependent tendencies and I'm probably always going to have them. That means (among other things) that I want people to think well of me. Therefore, if I tell someone I'm going to do something, I am so much more likely to follow through than if I didn't tell anybody.

I've been using my codependent powers for the benefit of other people my entire life. I'm now learning to use them (or leverage them) in such a way that they finally benefit me. I more easily get myself to follow through on things when I involve other people.

This works for me to this day. I have two accountability partners for meditation and one for yoga. I meditate twice a day and that second meditation is sometimes difficult for me.  I wouldn’t meditate that second time daily as consistently as I do if it weren’t for my accountability partners.

The basic and complex models of bookending.

At its most basic, the idea of bookending is that you have someone be your accountability partner before and after doing something you’ve committed to doing. There’s a much more complex way to employ this same technique in much more difficult circumstances, which is the main topic of this essay. 

It’s very powerful when you're doing something that extremely difficult, like setting a particularly important boundary with someone you’re close to or afraid of. If there’s a boundary you’re really nervous about setting, this more complex form of bookending can be a Godsend!

For difficult situations, choose a supportive and emotionally mature “boundary partner.”

This could be a trusted friend, a sponsor, a clergy person, a coach or a therapist. Ideally, it’s someone who’s not emotionally involved in your situation.

You start by asking for their support with the situation. Once you get their consent to support you, run your thoughts by them about what you want to say to the person you’re setting a boundary with (the target of your boundary). Remember, this is your boundary and you get to make the final call on what to say, when, and the setting you’ll say it in. But it’s a good idea to get feedback from someone not involved. That person can help you think through whether it makes sense for you to use those particular words, do it at that particular time, and in that particular setting. For example, they might say, “Are you sure you want to do that in person? Perhaps doing it on the phone or zoom will make it easier for you.”

Once you’ve made your decision about what to say, when and where, let your boundary partner know, “This is the day and time I'm going to do it. I want check in with you that day before I do it and after it’s over so I can bookend my boundary setting with you.”

The power of a boundary partner.

On the day of your boundary setting, connect with your partner. This serves two crucial purposes: accountability and emotional support. They can affirm your decision, reminding you that you deserve to set healthy boundaries. Moreover, you can process any pre-boundary anxieties or fears, reducing the likelihood of projecting those emotions onto the other person.

When we were growing up, many of us didn’t have supportive others to help us manage our difficult feelings. That’s why they can be so overpowering. The feelings of guilt and shame that arise when setting boundaries (or even thinking of setting boundaries) are what frequently stop people from setting boundaries, or cave once they set them. Having someone to process those feelings with you reduces the burden of those feelings. 

You don’t want to launch those emotions at the target of your boundary because that makes it much more likely to be a confrontational experience rather than just a simple conversation about “this is how things are going to be from now on.”

Navigating difficult emotions.

At the beginning of learning to set boundaries and have difficult conversation, I’d feel like I was going to die. I’m not exaggerating! It felt like my life was under threat! It wasn’t really setting a boundary that made me feel like I was going to die, it was the emotions associated with setting the boundary. I didn’t know how to handle them, so having another person to process those feelings with changed everything! Just the idea of not responding to an email from ex-boyfriend caused my nervous system to go way out of whack. And that was an ex-boyfriend!!

You don't want to process those feelings with the target of your boundary, which is a major reason why you’re bookending with your supportive boundary partner. When you go into the situation with the target of your boundary and tell them what you want to tell them, you’ll know that someone else 

• knows where you are
• knows what you’re doing
• knows what you’re going through
• and is waiting to reconnect with you afterwards

Then, once you’ve set the boundary, you reconnect with your boundary partner (the other end of the bookend process). Once again, you get reassurance and affirmation from them (you did the right thing, you showed up for yourself, you stood your ground, you’re so brave). You also get to process any difficult emotions with them again. Even if things turned out fantastically, you may still have difficult emotions to process and you don’t have to carry those alone. You get to share them with others. 

That is, you get to be connected to others. Remember – we’re protected when we’re connected. Here’s why this is important: most people with unhealthy boundaries have no experience with healthy connection to others. We’ve typically experienced enmeshment or abandonment, or both. That means when we set a boundary, it feels like abandonment. That is, we know it’s not enmeshment, and the only other thing we know is abandonment. 

But, if we're connected to our boundary partner through their love and their support, we know we're not abandoned.

From enmeshment to healthy connection.

If you’ve only experienced enmeshment or abandonment, you have no concept of what healthy connection is. That’s why setting boundaries can feel like abandonment rather than creating a healthy connection with others. 

Here's the thing about abandonment: it doesn't matter who initiates it, it still feels like abandonment. For example, if you break up with a someone, you could still feel abandone. It’s doesn’t matter if you initiated the breakup because they were there and then they’re not. If you have a history of abandonment, it feels like just another instance of being abandoned.

Setting boundaries means coming out of enmeshment. You’re delineating the boundaries of who you are, differentiating yourself as your own distinct person with your own distinct identity and preferences. That can feel like abandonment because you're no longer enmeshed with others.

Bookending with your boundary partner lets you know on an experiential level “I’m not abandoned - I’m still connected to this other person.”

If you need to set a difficult boundary or have a very tough conversation, getting support from someone else can be absolute magic!

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/Vision2034

https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/Vision2034-Spanish

https://www.nptechforgood.com/101-best-practices/social-media-statistics-for-nonprofits/