Blogs

Elon Musk says millions in Social Security database are between ages of 100 and 159 https://ground.news/article/social-security-data-shows-millions-more-eligible-recipients-than-living-americans-musk-reveals_4bb6cd?utm_source=mobile-app&utm

What if I told you that the strongest foundation for love isn’t passion or spontaneity—but boundaries? On this Valentine’s Day, I want to share how setting boundaries from the start helped build the happiest, healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. I’ll start by telling stories of how things unfolded in our relationship. Then I’ll share what the boundaries were to make it clear. By sharing my story, I hope to show you how subtle but powerful boundaries can be—and how they can strengthen your own relationships, too.

The Relationship Begins…

In the first text exchange, I had with my sweetheart where I said to myself, “I think I want to date this man” because he responded with interest, enthusiasm, and humor. As we went on our first couple of dates, I became more attracted to him based on his healthy boundaries. He demonstrated them in a variety of ways. He showed up on time to our first coffee date. We had also planned to go to the same yoga class together after coffee, and he was mindful of the time we needed to depart.

As we continued to spend time together, I started noticing more ways he demonstrated healthy boundaries, which only made me more attracted to him. On our second date, I needed to leave the museum unexpectedly because I felt light-headed. I invited him to join me for lunch at the restaurant across the street and he declined., though he walked me across the street to the restaurant with his hand gently on my back to ensure I made it there safely.

About 45 minutes later he texted to check on me to make sure I was okay. I later learned that he declined lunch because he had a chronic illness and needed to manage his energy. He also revealed things about himself to me bit by bit, not with a firehose on the first date as I’d done with most of my former partners. For example, he waited to tell me about his chronic illness until about our third date. Why share something like that if it doesn’t seem like things are going to move forward?

One of the most amazing things? He actually asked if he could kiss me!! For my entire life, I’d always wanted for a man to ask me if he could kiss me, but that never happened. In other words, he got my consent which is respectful. As the smooching part of our relationship started, he didn’t grope me and try to get into my shirt or pants immediately the way every other guy had. That is, he showed me that he desired me without violating my clothing boundaries. We were building emotional intimacy before physical intimacy, which I’d never done.

When the topic of having sex came up, I told him, “I want to make it clear that I want you, but I'm not ready.  I don't even know what that means. I just know that I’m not ready.” As we talked further, I told him there were a couple of things I know for sure I’ll need to be ready. One is that I’d need a commitment to a monogamous relationship. He said, “Me too, I feel the same way.” The second was that we’d both need to be checked for sexually transmitted infections. He said, “Oh my God, I love that!” Later in our relationship, he told me it took him a while to realized what an enormous relief that was for him.

Shortly after the initial sex conversation, I told him I’d like to go out for coffee (i.e., on neutral territory and in public) to share my thoughts and experiences with sex and hear some from you. When the coffee date came, I started our conversation by reminding him that I’ve been completely transformed as a person because of 12-step recovery and having healthy boundaries now. I’ve been radically changed, including being down over 100 pounds from my top weight. In other words, I've never had sex in this body before!

I had lots of extra, saggy flesh. I was pretty sure I’d be okay with him seeing me naked because I’d been okay with being seen naked by lovers when I was heavier. I told him I’d been shamed by former lovers for not being adventurous enough in the bedroom as well as for being too adventurous. I said, “Now that I’m a new person, this person has never had sex before! So I have no idea what's gonna come out of me!  I have always really enjoyed sex,  but I've also never really spoken up and asked for what I really wanted.” 

I told him this new version of Barb might like to try new things but want to feel safe enough to change my mind, maybe even in the middle of it without him taking it personally. He was very agreeable and was grateful I felt comfortable talking to him about this stuff.

Right around that same time, a friend in recovery who had been married for 35 years said, “If you’re going to wait to have sex, make it special: go away and celebrate it!” That way you have something to look forward to, and you create a memory you can look back on. 

I was like, “Oh my God! That's such a great idea!” So he and I discussed it and he also loved the idea. We picked a date about 5-6 weeks in the future. The next time I talked to him he said,  I found the perfect Airbnb in the Berkshires!” I was thrilled that he’d taken the initiative, once again showing me his enthusiasm.

One of the beautiful things about having picked a date in the future was that we could count down the days. It turned into a really playful thing where we’d say things like, “15 more days until we have sex” and it was a wonderful, fun-loving thing we were doing together. Of course, I’m not going to go into details about what happened there (because I have boundaries!), but now it's a wonderful memory we have together. 

Forget the myth that romance has to be spontaneous—planning can be just as passionate, if not more! Planning increases anticipation, which is very hot and romantic. It's something you can look forward to together and be playful with. 

Here’s What Our Boundaries Were

Now that I’ve laid that all out, I want to point out some of the boundaries we had in case you didn’t spot them for what they are. 

• He showed up on time for our first date and also made sure we left on time
• He declined my invitation to lunch but didn’t feel the need to explain why until sometime later
• He and I both shared personal info bit by bit rather than by firehose
• He waited to tell me he had a chronic illness until it was clear that I was interested in him
• He asked for my permission before kissing me
• He was respectful of my clothing boundaries and didn’t try to get inside my shirt or pants like all my former partners had (and I let them!)
• I said, “I'm not ready” and he respected that. He didn’t try to push me to do anything before I was ready. I also respected my own boundaries by knowing I wasn’t ready and saying so.
• I required a committed monogamous relationship he agreed to that 
• I required hat we both have STI testing and he agreed to that 
• I set a boundary by saying we're not having sex until I have a conversation with you, and he agreed to that 
• I also let him know ahead of time that I don't know where my boundary is when we're actually in the act because I'm learning who this new version of Barb is. I told him  ahead of time in case I changed my mind, so he wouldn’t  take it personally, and he agreed to that
• We set boundaries by picking a date and a destination so we could make it special and we both honored that

So this Valentine’s Day, whether you’re single or in a relationship, remember: boundaries aren’t barriers to love—they’re the foundation of it. And the more you honor your own, the stronger, safer, and more fulfilling your relationships will be.

There’s a distinction I often reiterate to my clients between what we get to do versus what we have to do. When we think “I get to do this” we’re framing things in terms of having a choice as opposed to being something we’re being compelled to do.

When I learned in recovery that I’d been gossiping for years and didn’t realize it,  I thought, “I have to stop gossiping.” It turned out this was a deeply ingrained pattern of mine, and I internalized this pattern from my family of origin. We engaged in indirect communication (e.g., you never went to the person you had a problem with, you talked about them to everyone else). 

As I was trying to stop, I realized it felt really good when I gossiped, which was shocking and unnerving. It felt like it was going to be an insurmountable obstacle, to change this deeply entrenched pattern. It felt like a burden. As I did research on gossip, what it was, why we do it, and how to stop it, I realized that it felt good because I got to blame others for my problems. 

At that point, I’d started to understand the importance of taking responsibility for my life, choices, and actions. That’s when I realized I get to stop gossiping, I don’t have to. As I drastically decreased my habit of gossiping, I started feeling a lot more freedom and control over my life. I got to see that it actually was a privilege to stop gossiping, not a burden. 

In recovery, as with any personal growth process, a large part of the work is changing our perspectives, and this is just another example of that. This particular perspective shift is like flipping a light switch in a dark room—you realize you always had the power, you just needed to use it. Imagine what that kind of shift could do for you as a parent, at work, or in your family of origin.

Before I give some examples, take a moment to think about Where in your life you feel weighed down by the belief that you “have to” do things. What might shift if you thought of it as a privilege? Pause and think about that before reading on.

Here are some examples of the kinds of things I hear from my clients where I suggest this shift:

• “I have to take responsibility now” and I say, “No, you get to take responsibility now. That's what it means to be a mature adult - taking responsibility for your own life and for your own actions and leaving everybody else’s life and actions up to them.”
• “I have to figure out who I am” but you actually get to figure out who you are. One of the most important ways we do that is by keeping the focus on ourselves rather than others. We can only figure out what we like and don’t like, what’s okay and not okay with us, when we’re focused internally rather than externally. 
• “I have to make amends for this” and I say, “Actually, you get to make amends for this.” Most (if not all) of us have done some crappy things in our lives. 12-step recovery programs give us a way of making up for that. I think of it as cleaning that stuff off of my soul when I make amends. It’s a privilege to do that, not a burden. And what do we get from making amends? We get to be happy joyous and free! We get to let go of the weight of those deeds. 
• “I have to get sober” becomes “I get to get sober.” It’s a choice and a privilege. When I say choice here, I don’t mean that people are choosing to be alcoholics or to have a substance use disorder. Substance use disorder is a disease no one would choose, just like we wouldn’t choose Lupus breast cancer, or asthma. But we can choose to work on a program of recovery that’s been proven to work for others. We get to make that choice, we don’t have to.
• A recovery friend said, “OK, so now I have to love myself.” She was talking about it as if it was a strategy, like a task she could check off her to-do list. Something like, “If I love myself, then I'll get better.” I said, “Actually you get to love yourself. The point of loving yourself is to love yourself. It's not to get something or to get better. It’s to have the experience of loving yourself and being loved by yourself.” THAT is a privilege, not a burden! 

These are choices and privileges, not burdens. You get to take responsibility for your life, figure out who you really are, make amends, get sober, and love yourself. 

Since I’m a boundaries coach, I don’t want to pass up the opportunity to mention how this shift is especially powerful for those working on boundaries. When we say, “I have to set boundaries,” it feels heavy, like a chore. But when we say, “I get to set boundaries,” we recognize that it’s an act of self-care and empowerment.

Now I have some questions for you:  What’s something in your life you’ve been saying you “have to” do?  How would it feel if you reframed it as something you “get to” do?  Try it for a day and see how it shifts your energy! Drop me an email to let me know how that shift felt.

A 25-year-old engineer named Marko Elez, who previously worked for two Elon Musk companies, has direct access to Treasury Department systems responsible for nearly all payments made by the US government, three sources tell WIRED...

https://www.wired.com/story/elon-musk-associate-bfs-federal-payment-system/

What is a country? The way its people govern themselves. America exists because its people elect those who make and execute laws. The assumption of a democracy is that individuals have dignity and rights that they realize and protect by acting together...

https://snyder.substack.com/p/the-logic-of-destruction