The People’s Opening Day Rally!

The 2025 Legislative Session Opens Up on January 8 and we are inviting all supporters of social justice and families of the incarcerated to join us at the Legislative Office Building in Hartford CT at 1pm at 300 Capitol Ave Hartford CT in Room 1D.

We plan to discuss demands of our legislators this session and calling upon our elected officials to represent the needs of ALL Connecticut residents. We hope legislators, everyone with incarcerated loved ones or those impacted by the prison system can join us in our fight to strengthen the Protect Act and give the Ombudsman more power to advocate for incarcerated people.

Please share on your social media, invite other advocates and people who care.

Note: Parking is free, when you enter the building you will go through the metal detectors and you’ll be directed to the Stop Solitary CT press conference.

This image was inspired by management guru Stephen Covey who introduced the concept of Circles of Concern versus Circles of Control. I love it for so many reasons, including that it’s really helpful for visual learners.

If you want to live your life on purpose and be proactive, spend the bulk of your time, energy and attention on the light pink inner Circle of Control. However, what many of us do is spend the bulk of our time, energy, effort and thought life on the dark pink outer Circle of Concern.

I love that Covey called the outer circle the Circle of Concern because we have every right to be concerned about those things. They’re important. But we can’t control them.

When we’re proactive, we have a small Circle of Concern and a large Circle of Control. That is, we spend a lot of time and energy focused on issues that are within our control. When we’re reactive we have a large Circle of Concern and a small Circle of Control. That means we’re expending so much energy on things outside of our control that we have almost no energy left for things that are within our control.

In recovery language, we’d say the Circle of Concern is “people, places and things” and that this is a good depiction of the Serenity Prayer. We need courage to deal with the things in the light pink inner Circle of Control, and we need acceptance to deal with the dark pink Circle of Concern.

Sometimes when we’re super focused on things we cannot control, we become paralyzed and unable to act. The global economy, the environment, politics, what everyone else in the world is thinking about you – that’s a lot of stuff! It’s draining primarily because it’s out of your control, but also because there’s so much there.

When you’re so focused there, you’re probably full of anxiety (on top of being drained of energy) and you have nothing left for things over which you actually do have control.

You get to decide where you’re going to focus your attention. Will it be on your Circle of Concern or your Circle of Control? If you focus on your Circle of Control, you’ll see you have many more options in your life than you previously thought. You’ll also find that you have a LOT more energy than when you were focused on the Circle of Concern because you won’t be drained by things you can’t control.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

The Community Foundation for Greater New Haven is seeking a qualified candidate for the position of Database Manager. The application deadline is January 17, 2024. For more information and to apply, click here.

King sized mattress (used 3 days) - donor wants to give it away in the next nine days.  It's in Hamden. Reach out to me if you want it.

Photo Credit: Abi Ismail

Most of us have heard by now that there’s a difference between our intentions and the impact of our behavior. If you break someone’s leg because you were trying to help them move a ladder, they don’t really care that you were “just trying to help.” They only care that their leg is broken!

People don’t care what your intentions are, they care about the impact of your behavior. That is, they care about the result that you’ve created in their life. However, your intentions make all the difference in the world to you. Your intentions determine the type of energy you bring to whatever it is you're doing. That impacts you psychologically and emotionally. Intentions are very similar to motives, and our motives matter enormously. 

In other words, there’s a difference between the external impact of your behavior (broken leg) and the internal impact (trying to help from a place of caring). 

Here’s an example of motives from my people-pleasing years. Until I got into recovery, I didn't understand that my people-pleasing behaviors were about trying to control and manipulate others. I was trying to control what they thought of me by manipulating them into being pleased with me. Sometimes I was trying to be helpful so things would go my way. My underlying motive was to manipulate and control outcomes and/or people’s opinions of me. I can see this with crystal clarity now, but I was completely blind to these motives back when I was doing all that.

My motives were disguised as helpfulness. I thought I was helpful because I was “nice.” I didn’t realize that my primary motive was to get people to think good things of me and/or to get my way. This knowledge has led me to one of my most important questions when trying to understand what the “right” thing to do is: What are my motives? Why am I doing this?

Here’s an illustration. I had a sponsor who said to me, “It used to be that I made you a cup of coffee because I wanted you to like me. Now I make you a cup of coffee because God wants me to be a good, kind person, and I want to live a God-centered life. Either way, you get coffee.” The impact is that the person gets coffee in both cases. But her motives, her intentions, were completely different in each case. 

If we think intentions don't matter, just impact matters we’re thinking in a shortsighted manner. That type of thinking doesn't address the internal impact on the person who’s taking the action. When I was being helpful to people to manipulate and control them,  the impact was they got helped. Now when I help people because I want to be helpful,  people still get helped. The impact may very well be the same to the person getting helped in both of those cases. But from my perspective, I’m living in line with my principles when I help with the intention of truly being helpful. I'm being honest with myself about what I'm doing and why.

When I was people-pleasing, I didn't understand why I was doing what I was doing.  I couldn’t consciously see that I was manipulative and controlling. My intentions mattered to me psychically, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually. It “fragmented” me to have unspoken and impure intentions. 

Impact absolutely matters. But it’s not just your impact on the external world that matters, the impact on your internal world matters too. Intention is the thing that determines how your behavior impacts you internally. 

Photo Credit: Andrej Lisakov

Most of us spend a lot of time wishing others would change. We feel frustrated, powerless, and stuck when they don't. But what if the real key to change lies not in them, but in us?

The way to change other people's behavior is by changing the way we behave towards them.

Let’s be honest, what we all want is for other people to change. One of the greatest gifts of 12-step recovery is that we really, deeply internalize the message that we can’t change others. We forget all the time though, that’s what the Serenity Prayer is said at the beginning and end of many 12-step meetings – because we forget.

We need the help of a Higher Power to get the wisdom to know the difference between the things we can and cannot change because it's so hard to keep this in mind. Then, once we get that wisdom, we might need the help of a Higher Power to accept the things we cannot change. Not accepting them is where the pain comes from. It's not what other people are doing that causes us pain, it's that we believe it shouldn't be happening. That’s why acceptance is so important. To be clear, acceptance doesn't mean that we like or want what happened. It means we stop fighting against it.

Here's what acceptance can look like. I want my brother to talk more quietly and to stop talking about politics. I requested both of these things many, many times and he’s literally incapable of them. I realized that this is who he is and what he’s like. So rather than trying to get him to stop, I decided to accept “This is what he’s like, so I have to change me.” I changed my attitude to “he’s going to talk really loud about politics” and decided I’d leave when that happened. Instead of staying and fighting against what is, I accepted it and left when it became uncomfortable for me.

When it comes to things we can change, we might need the help of a Higher Power to get the courage to actually make that change because change is hard. But of course, it's possible, no matter how hard it may be. 

The problem for so many of us comes when we're trying to change the things we cannot: other people, places, and things. When we focus so much on those things outside ourselves, we lose sight of changing the things we can: our behavior, thinking,  feelings, beliefs,  goals, and dreams.

We cannot change other people, but we can influence people.

When you change the dynamics of your interactions with others, things change between the two of you. You've changed your end of the interaction. 

One of the sayings I learned in recovery is that you can't have a tug of war with someone when you don't pick up the rope, or when you let go of the rope. Another similar metaphor is that when you change the steps of the dance you’re doing with your partner, they must either change their steps or exit the dance. These both represent the idea that changing your behavior influences the behavior of the other person. That’s how it works.

I’ve seen this time and time again in my own life, in the lives of my sponsees and my clients. Here’s an example from a sponsee of mine in recovery. She got a call from her dad just to see how she was doing. This had never happened before. They both said, “I love you” at the end of the call. When she told me this, she couldn’t believe this was the relationship they have now! For most of her 45 years of life,  she believed her dad was the center and cause of all of her problems. 

She told me, “My dad is not in recovery, HE hasn’t changed, but I have.” She stopped blaming him for everything, took ownership of what was hers to own, and accepted that this was the guy she got as a father, not someone else. Those actions translated into a much more peaceful and loving relationship with her father after 45 years. She’s the one who changed the steps of the dance with her father.

Here are some ways you can change the steps of your dance with others.

• Start telling the truth about what you want, need, think, and feel, and about what’s okay with you and not okay with you. 
• Ask for help from the people you always help. This lets them know that they have something to offer to you too. This could be advice, assistance with a task, or a ride somewhere.
• When someone says something about you that you disagree with, respond with, “That may be so” or “I see things differently” rather than getting defensive and saying, “That’s not true!”
• Let go of your expectations of others. Let them be who they are without trying to get them to change.
• Stand firm when you say no to someone. Just keep repeating, “That doesn’t work for me” or “I’m not going to make it” no matter how many times they try to cajole you into changing your mind. Expect that they’re going to do that, especially if they always have. Be ready for it and stand firm.
• Be really kind and supportive of yourself. When you get your own validation, you won’t need it so much from others. That will change the way you interact with them because you won’t be trying to extract love, affirmation, or assurance from them all the time.

What patterns or “dances” in your relationships have been causing tension? How might changing your own behavior shift those dynamics?

When I started changing the steps in my dances,  I often felt like I was going to die. I’d actually tell myself, “I didn’t die” afterward to reinforce for myself that I had a new experience so it would get logged into my memory banks. I now had evidence that the feeling I was going to die was inaccurate. It got easier and easier over time. I got less and less scared about doing new things.

It can be helpful when you’re changing your ways to others who literally or metaphorically hold your hand through the process. Having social support for your new behaviors can be a game-changer!

Think of one recurring conflict or dynamic in your life. Decide on one way you’ll change your behavior this week—whether it’s setting a boundary, asking for help, or simply letting go of expectations. Email me to share your experience, and let’s celebrate your growth together!

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

United Way of Greater New Haven has 2 brand new open positions we would like to fill.

Coordinated Access Network (CAN) Entry Coordinator

https://recruiting.paylocity.com/Recruiting/Jobs/Details/2899432

Database and Gift Processing Specialist

https://recruiting.paylocity.com/Recruiting/Jobs/Details/2880554

The Yale Peabody Museum is working on a five year strategic plan. Please fill out this brief survey and help us think about the values, priorities and goals that will shape the future of the museum.

https://yalesurvey.ca1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_87h0gPvMyreZTeu

Photo Credit: Susan Wilkinson

What if I told you that I spent most of my life afraid—without even realizing it? 

I was mainly afraid of being judged by other people, and perhaps rejected or abandoned. But I’ve discovered something that changed my perspective: I am flawed—and that’s awesome. I call it being flawesome.

One way I tried to avoid judgment was by acting like I could afford things that really weren’t in my budget. As a result I ended up wracking up a bunch of credit card debt. By the time my student loans came due in 1999, I was unable to handle all that debt and ended up declaring bankruptcy.

What’s interesting is that I didn’t even realize I was mired in fear.  I always felt like a powerful woman of agency. I wasn’t afraid to go out alone at night like many women. Going through the 12-steps of recovery showed me that I was riddled with fear and many of my actions and decisions were motivated by fear. Specifically, they were to avoid being judged, abandoned and rejected.

I’m not a perfectionist, but I definitely had perfectionistic tendencies. One area where that became evident as I was doing the 12 steps was while journaling. Even though I never go back to and read my journals, and no one else ever reads them I didn’t allow myself to make errors while journaling. I’d stop and make corrections to spelling, grammar, punctuation, capitalization. If I wrote “shed” instead of “she’d” I wouldn’t allow that to stand as is, I had to correct it!

I can see now that I had this idea, buried deeply in my subconscious, that I shouldn't have flaws. I’m not sure how I internalized that idea, but it became clear to me as I got farther into 12 step recovery that I believed I was supposed to have answers, know the right thing to say and not make mistakes. Of course, I’m a human being who has flaws, so I tried to hide them and keep them secret. On some level I sort of hated myself for having flaws (or at least I hated my flaws). That is, I judged myself for being flawed.

Truth be told, I was also judging all of you and the world for being flawed too! I wanted the world to be different than it was. That pertained to things like traffic, the education system, the people around me,  and other things that weren’t working the way I wanted them to. That meant I was pissed off much of time.

As a result, created a whole bunch of different facades to hide behind in an effort to avoid being judged, rejected or abandoned. Creating all those facades caused me to become fragmented. To be sure, there were other things that contributed to my fragmentation as well (e.g., being dishonest). Recovery helped me to integrate all of the fragments into a coherent whole and get rid of the fragments that weren't authentically “me.”

One pivotal shift I made in recovery was coming to understand that I care way more what other people thought of me than what I thought of myself. I was willing to wrack up debt because of what others thought of me, but ignored what that debt was doing to me. Until I couldn’t anymore when the student loans came due. 

I eventually came to care more what I think of me than what others do. This  does not mean I don’t care at all what other think. It means I’m no longer willing to put myself in harm’s way or to compromise my integrity. I want people’s approval, but I don’t need it the way I used to. This change has been at the core of my ability to build and maintain healthy boundaries: I’m way more focused on what I think of myself than what others think of me.

One concept in particular helped me enormously on my journey from fragmented to whole, which is the concept of being

FLAWESOME

Being flawesome means that we are both flawed and awesome. They’re not mutually exclusive concepts. We’re flawed in our awesomeness and we’re awesome in our flawedness. The idea that you’re either flawed or awesome but can’t be both is the epitome of black and white thinking. 

Part of what makes me a unique person is my flaws. If I didn't have these flaws, I would never have my made my way into recovery, achieved the deep and profound life changes and become a podcaster, coaching and speaker. Now I'm grateful for my flaws.

That was definitely not the case in the past! I was a very defensive person because I didn’t want people to see behind my facades. For example, if someone pointed out a flaw like when I made a mistake, I’d act like I didn't make a mistake (which is ridiculous). I’d deny or distract as a way to take attention away from the mistake.

I didn't know what I was doing that at the time, I can only see it in retrospect. Now when I make a mistake, even if it’s in public, I say, “Oops!”  which is a pretty dramatic shift. Saying “ oops” acknowledges my mistake, but it's lighthearted. It's not, “Oh my God!! I can't believe I did that!! They’re gonna think I’m an idiot!!”

So I love this word flawesome and think of it frequently, especially when coaching clients. It’s perfectly normal to be flawed. It doesn't mean that you're not awesome. It’s a great concept for people who have grandiose thinking and for people who think they're the worst pieces of shit that ever walked the planet. It moves us out of the black and white thinking into both/and thinking. 

Now when I’m journaling and make a mistake, I let it go. I sometimes also giggle at the freedom I feel from allowing myself to make a mistake on something that really doesn’t matter. I also sometimes send emails and create social media posts that aren’t capitalized or don’t have proper grammar. It feels freeing to allow myself to relax in my life and embody the fact that I am flawesome. 

So let’s stop striving for perfection. Let’s be flawesome together. I challenge you to say “Oops!” out loud to yourself the next time you make a mistake. Let me know when that happens and what it does for you. Drop me an email here.\

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

Painting, photography, video, and installation art by Sue Rollins, Maria Markham

When old friends Sue Rollins and Maria Markham’s paths crossed again earlier this year, they found a great commonality in the work they were producing. The result of that reconnection is ALTERED LANDSCAPES, a collaboration by the two artists that presents a statement about climate change and how we might all work together to save our planet. The exhibit is on view at City Gallery from December 6 - December 28, with an Opening Reception on Saturday, December 7, 4-6 p.m. and an Artists Talk on Sunday, December 15, 2-3 p.m.

“We believe that communicating through art, and remaining active and engaged, are positive steps forward,” says City Gallery member artist Sue Rollins.

Combining painting, photography, video, and installation art, the exhibit seeks to imagine a way through our current precarities. As Maria Markham explains:

“We don’t know what the future will hold but through art, we imagine one that thrives, that provides sustenance for humans and non-humans alike, and that achieves ecological balance. As artists, with our eyes wide open, we seek to excavate possibilities and divine the edge of other futures.

Rollins agrees, saying, “Collective action, belief in the power of community engagement and commitment to creating a sustainable future are our tools. By making conscious choices in our everyday lives, remaining engaged and optimistic, let us work together to imagine and create an altered landscape that is full of possibility and hope.”

Sue Rollins is a Connecticut-based painter and printmaker. Her recent work combines traditional landscape painting with abstract expressionist elements, addressing our environmental challenges with altered landscapes or windows into the past and future, creating art that is both peaceful and chaotic. Her long career as a graphic designer and love for typography and the printed word continues to inform her work in unexpected ways. She is a member of City Gallery, Silvermine Guild of Artists, and is an elected member of Art League Rhode Island and Connecticut Women Artists. Her work was chosen for the 2024 Silvermine 74th A-One show, and she was the recipient of the Samuel and May Rudin Award at the 2024 Greenwich Art Society Summer Exhibit, juried by Lauren Rosati of the Met Modern. Her work has been featured in galleries and museums in New England and Florida, including Galatea Fine Art in Boston, Five Points Gallery in Torrington, Mattatuck Museum in Waterbury, Creative Arts Workshop in New Haven and University Gallery in Gainesville, FL. She received a BFA from the University of Florida and studied with abstract expressionist Hiram Williams and printmaker Ken Kerslake.

Maria Markham works primarily in installation, sculpture, photography and video. Her work focuses on ecologies and the climate crisis, immigration, the failures of capitalism, and the socio-cultural anxieties and upheavals that mark contemporary life. Her artwork has been featured nationally and internationally in exhibits at The Invisible Dog, Brooklyn, NY, Ely Center of Contemporary Art, CT, Accent Sisters, NJ, Pollinator Gallery, PA, School of Visual Arts, NY and The Alternative Art School, along with venues in Latvia, Estonia, Ireland and England. She is a member of the Nua Collaborative. Markham’s practice is amplified by over 30 years’ work in the nonprofit sector with diverse groups and communities. She holds a B.S. from Trinity College Dublin and a Masters in Nonprofit Management from Brandeis University. Markham (b. Dublin, Ireland) lives and works in New Haven, CT. She recently completed an MFA at the School for Visual Arts in New York.

The ALTERED LANDSCAPES exhibit is free and open to the public. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m., or by appointment. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

Description   https://careers.ctnonprofits.org/job/public-policy-and-advocacy-associate/75950258/

Under the general direction and supervision of the Director of Government Relations, the Public Policy & Advocacy Associate manages one or more membership Divisions and/or Forums and helps execute The Alliance’s public policy agenda and advocacy plans on behalf of Alliance members. This position functions as an advocate, organizer, and resource to Alliance member organizations. The Public Policy & Advocacy Associate is responsible for working with members to monitor and affect necessary legislative and regulatory change, as well as develop strong relationships to advance policy priorities. This position allows for hybrid work, except during the legislative session when in-person work is required at the state capitol. The Alliance is committed to creating a diverse, inclusive and equitable employment experience for all.