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I believe I’ve always pretty much liked myself. But I realized in recovery that I didn’t really love myself, and I didn’t feel worthy. When I inventoried my life, I could see, “Those were not the behaviors of a woman who feels worthy and loves herself.” Learning to love myself has been one of the most incredible gifts of recovery.

It’s also a gift that many of my clients receive in the process of building healthy boundaries. That’s because building boundaries is a process of getting to know yourself, learning to show up for yourself, and doing more of what you like and less of what you don’t like. Who wouldn’t love someone who does all those things for them?! So you won’t be surprised to see that “set boundaries” is the next item on this list!
In case you missed parts 2 and 3, here’s what was on them:

1. Get help for your addiction
2. Stop judging yourself so harshly
3. Reparent yourself
4. Mirror work
5. Take care of your physical body
6. Connect with something greater than yourself
7. Step away from chaos
8. Take care of your physical environment
9. Learn to ask for help
10. Be present
11. Use gentle language with yourself

Below are my last five suggestions for how to love yourself. Of course, there are many other ways you can grow to love yourself. I’d love to hear how you love yourself. Drop me an email here to let me know how.

12. Set boundaries. Shocking for a boundaries coach, I know! My experience of learning to set healthy boundaries was that I got to know myself through the experimental process (and it’s always an experimental process). I learned, “I really don’t like that” and “I guess I do like this.” I’d been such a chameleon before recovery that there was much of me that was up for negotiation. Building boundaries helped me discover who I really am, and what I really want, like, need, and prefer.

As I got to know what was okay and not okay with me, I began to follow through on those preferences more and more. When I set a boundary, I felt better about myself because I showed up for myself in ways I hadn’t before. Then, because I felt better about myself, it was easier to set the next boundary. Getting to know yourself better and standing up for yourself is an incredible way to love yourself!

13. Give yourself peace. What I’ve discovered as I’ve gotten to know myself better is that what I want more than anything else is peace. I lived with such drama and chaos much of my life, especially internally, that I’m done with all that shit! I want peace.

I often ask myself, “What do I need to do to have peace?” For me, twice daily meditation is imperative. Consistent conscious contact with my Higher Power is also essential. I also stay away from people who are not peaceful. I slow down and take breaks instead of operating with a sense of urgency all the time. I stay away from controversy, and that includes staying away from the news, current events, and politics. The first few years I stopped paying attention to those things, I was afraid people would think I was ignorant and uninformed. Then I realized I AM ignorant and uninformed! AND I have peace. I’ll take peace any day. It feels really loving.

14. Stop the negative self-talk. In my late 20s, I discovered that I had a really super negative self-talk. I’d say horrendous things to myself in my head. I wasn’t even aware of it until it was pointed out to me in a book where other people’s negative thoughts were revealed. I read their words and said “Holy shit! I say that stuff to myself too!” It’s kind of shocking to know that that stuff had been running like a ticker tape through my mind all the time, yet I wasn’t aware of it.

Clean up your negative self-talk! This is crucial. You cannot love yourself or have a well-lived life when the background noise of your life is full of shitty things about you. Because you come to believe those things. A belief is essentially a thought you’ve thought for so long that you’ve come to believe that it’s the truth. You’ve gotta turn that messaging off! The best way to do that is to replace it with something else. I’ve written two articles about how to clean up your thought life. They can be found here and here. 

15. Affirmations. This is sort of a follow-up on #14. I know some people think saying affirmations are hoaky bullshit. And that may be true for some people, but it’s been a game-changer for me. Think about someone you love. If you continually say kind and loving things to them, don’t you think it would have an impact on your relationship with them? 

The same is true for yourself. It’s hard to have a loving relationship with anyone without words of affirmation. In fact, “words of affirmation” is one of the Five Love Languages in the book by Gary Chapman. If you’re not familiar with the concept, I encourage you to take Chapman’s test here to find out your love language. Then love yourself in the way you best receive love. And teach others to love you similarly.

Be kind to yourself, especially in your mind. Say affirmative things to yourself. You deserve it.

16. Live in alignment with your values. I had no idea I wasn’t living in alignment with my values until I got into recovery. Part of step 12 is that we “practice these principles in all our affairs.” What that means is that we live in alignment with the spiritual principles of our 12-step fellowship. The reason we do this is because we’re so much less likely to relapse when we’re doing the right things. It’s loving to live in alignment with your values.

I was violating my values all over the place before recovery, especially about honesty. Before recovery, I truly believed I was an honest person. Nope! I lied about food, drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, and my relationships. Probably the largest portion of my dishonesty had to do with my people-pleasing behaviors - I’d agree to things that I didn't want to do, I acted like things were okay with me that weren’t, and said no to things I really wanted to do so I wouldn’t be judged or because it would be inconvenient for others. 

I didn't know it at the time, but I was doing it because I wanted people to approve of me. I could go on and on about the ways I violated my values, yet I thought I was a very values-oriented person. 

One of the reasons living in alignment with your values contributes to self-love is that you become proud of yourself. You’ll know you’re an honest woman of integrity. It’s also way less draining to live in alignment with your values, and who doesn’t want more energy?! Living aligned is so much easier, and the things you value are likely to light you up. Doing things that light you up is loving.  

Of course, there are plenty of other ways you can learn to fall in love with yourself (and I’d love to hear how you’re doing it, email me here. These are just some of the ways I’ve learned how to do it. What one will you try first?

Featuring Work by Judy Atlas, Meg Bloom, Phyllis Crowley, and Rita Hannafin

French painter Henri Matisse once explained, “When I apply green, that does not mean grass, when I apply blue, that does not mean sky.” Abstract Art does not attempt to be literal in that way; it uses other means to express the feelings and visions of the artists, guiding the viewers to new perspectives. Come see for yourself during BLUE DOES NOT MEAN SKY, a City Gallery Group Show featuring abstract work by artists Judy Atlas, Meg Bloom, Phyllis Crowley, and Rita Hannafin on view from January 5 through January 28, with an Artist Reception on Saturday, January 13, 2:00 - 4:00 p.m.(Snow date Sunday January 14 2:00 - 4:00). In addition, artists will be in the Gallery on January 7 (Crowley), January 14 (Atlas), January 21 (Bloom), and January 28 (Hannafin).

Abstract painter Judy Atlas expresses her exploration of the patterns, shapes, lines and movements found in nature and everyday life. Her paintings in this exhibit return to her “flux” series, communicating the sense or state of always flowing, yet never ending.

Meg Bloom finds beauty in the imperfect and impermanent. Through her sculptures and mixed media works, her art marks moments of transience as she responds to the world around her. Her art almost always references nature and reflects the increased urgency she feels to respond to the chaos and destructiveness in the environment, whether natural or man-made.

Phyllis Crowley combines photographs to make new relationships that bring her closer to the original emotional experience. The images speak to each other, create different ideas and associations, often emphasizing elements that are subdued in each original. The process is similar to building a story sentence by sentence; or even more, in writing a poem with the words carefully chosen, and the placement critical.

Rooted in a traditional quilt-making background, art quilter Rita Hannafin explores abstraction to express a new perspective of personal images that inspire her. Her series in this group show begins with an orderly vista and morphs into a chaotic construct. The underlying emotion is the energy of New York City which serves to unify the work.

Offering a unique opportunity to explore abstract art in a variety of media, BLUE DOES NOT MEAN SKY is free and open to the public. It will be on view from January 5 through January 28, with an Artist Reception on Saturday, January 13, 2:00 - 4:00 p.m. (Snow date Sunday January 14 2:00 - 4:00). City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12pm - 4 pm, or by appointment. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

Patrick Greenfield

Wed 29 Nov 2023 06.00 EST

The natural world underpins human civilisation on every corner of the planet. From oceans to rainforests, grasslands to mangrove swamps, ecosystems feed billions of humans, produce clean water and provide materials for shelter. As the planet heats, scientists and conservationists are urging the world to harness and restore nature to maintain a habitable planet.

https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2023/nov/29/from-tree-planting-to-sponge-cities-why-nature-based-solutions-are-crucial-to-fighting-the-climate-crisis

Photo Credit: Fellipe Ditadi

Learning to love yourself is one of the most incredible gifts you can give yourself. In essence, treat yourself as if you are beloved, and you will be.

This is the second of my three-part series on how to love yourself. In case you missed the first one, here’s what the first five suggestions were:
 

1. Get help for your addiction
2. Stop judging yourself so harshly
3. Reparent yourself
4. Mirror work
5. Take care of your physical body

Below, I’ll share suggestions 6-11. In the third essay next week, I’ll share the last five suggestions.
 

6. Connect with something greater than yourself. Whether you’re an atheist, agnostic, spiritual, or religious person, knowing that you’re part of something greater than yourself can be soooo healing. I identify as a very spiritual person and call my Higher Power “God.” But it’s my own definition of God that works for me. It’s something like – the all of everything, plus a little bit more.

Making conscious contact with the universe consistently helps you get perspective on life. You’re not just a worker doing a job Mon-Fri 9:00-5:00 or a role in your family or community. You’re a miracle! And you’re part of something greater, and your part matters. If you believe as I do, that you can actually tap into that power, then do it! I was agnostic until I was about 37, and connecting to a Higher Power and reaching out to that Power for assistance is WAY BETTER than going it alone! It’s an enormous relief to remember I’m not alone (even if I sometimes feel like I am) and not in charge (even if I sometimes feel like I am).
 

7. Step away from chaos. You do not have to put up with chaotic people, situations, or environments. I honestly didn’t even see walking away from chaos as an option before recovery. It just WAS. It was just part of my life and something I dealt with. To be sure life wasn’t like that 100% of the time, but enough that it was normalized to me. This was especially true in all the places I worked before recovery. If you feel like shit every time you see a certain person, go to a certain place, or engage in a specific activity, find a way to get out of there! It’s okay to walk away from chaos.
 

8. Take care of your physical environment. For me, it starts by making my bed every day. I used to think, “What’s the point? I’m going to mess it up anyway.” However, it sets the tone for my day. When I walk back into my bedroom, it’s a stable, peaceful environment. It’s not chaotic.

I’ve never been the best housekeeper, but I’ve gotten better and better over the years. In fact, I’ve recently started paying to have my home cleaned monthly. The worst part for me was the clutter, which I dealt with years ago. I may still have pockets of clutter in areas of my home from time to time, but the place is no longer cluttered. It frees up brain space when you take care of your physical environment. And as they say, “As within, so without.” That is, what’s going on the outside is often a reflection of what’s going on inside. It’s my experience that I can influence what’s going on inside by changing my environment from chaotic to peaceful. Feng Shui is a great place to start. It’s the Chinese art of placement. You learn to place things in your home in a way that allows for the greatest flow of positive energy.
 

9. Learn to ask for help. Another way to say this is to allow people to love you. The universe is made up of ebbs and flows, in-breaths and out-breaths. We’re meant to give and receive. The saying, “It’s better to give than to receive" dismisses the patterns of nature. They’re both required, and neither is better. If you’ve been giving, giving, giving your whole life, it’s time to receive.

When I got into recovery it was almost impossible for me to ask for help. I sometimes felt like I was gonna die at the idea of asking for help. Gradually, with the help of my fellows in recovery, I learned to ask for and welcome help. It was a very humbling process, to be honest. If you’d like to learn more about my journey to ask for help you can read about that here.

One of the tricks to learning to ask for help is discerning who are the right people to ask for help. It can be very vulnerable to ask for help, so you want to make sure to ask those you can trust. This was an educational process for me, given my history of trusting untrustworthy people.
 

10. Be present. You cannot be purposeful about your life if you are not in the present moment. Learning to love yourself doesn’t happen by accident, it takes intention. If you’re constantly dissociating, worrying about the future, or ruminating about the past you’re not going to be able to intentionally cultivate self-love.

Getting into the present moment is imperative for self-love. The main way I get into the present moment is to connect with my body through my senses and breath. Pay attention to each sense in succession – what is the farthest thing you can see, the faintest sound you can hear? What can you smell or taste? Perhaps it’s nothing, but just connecting with those senses makes you present with yourself.

You can simply pay attention to your in and out breaths, you can count your in-breaths and double the length of your out-breaths. There are several ways to use breath to get present. Another way to get present is by consciously feeling your feet on the floor or your butt in the chair.
 

11. Use gentle language with yourself. Even though I still swear a lot, I don’t swear at myself any longer. I now say things like, “Oh goodness!” when something goes wrong. I didn’t choose to make this shift, it spontaneously happened. But I have chosen to make other shifts. I talk sweetly to myself now. And I especially talk sweetly to my inner child and inner teenager. 

Next week, I’ll share part 3 with more five ways to fall in love with yourself. Be gentle with yourself, and treat yourself in loving ways as you embark on this journey. Have fun with it! LOVE the journey!

For most blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Photo Credit: Fellipe Ditadi

On a recent call with a private client, she said, “I am falling in love with myself!”

I cannot tell you how unbelievably awesome that makes me feel! My heart is swollen with pride and love that I get to shepherd her on her journey to self-love. Mind you, that was only after four weeks of working with me!

What I want for all of my clients, and everybody in the world really, is that they grow to love themselves. Here are some tips for how to fall in love with yourself that have worked for me. They’re not in any particular order.

It will help if you think of it as building a relationship with yourself. If you were falling in love with another person, you’d do things to let them know you care. You’d treat them well, and let them know you’re thinking of them. You can do that for yourself too!

1. Get help for your addiction. If you’re addicted to a substance, whether it’s food, drugs, alcohol, or perhaps you have a process addiction like sex or gambling, get help. You will not have a high-quality life that you love when you’re using. You don’t have to go it alone. There are over 200 12-step programs, and there are tons of resources out there no matter your income level. Here’s a page on my website with some recommendations I have.

2. Stop judging yourself so harshly. Most people believe in being kind and loving to others and giving them the benefit of the doubt. Yet when it comes to ourselves, we hold ourselves to a much higher standard. Here’s the thing, you are FLAWESOME! Just because you have flaws, doesn’t mean you’re not also awesome! Give yourself the same love and kindness you give others. Cut yourself some slack for a change. That self-judgment isn’t shaping you into a better person. You'd just end up battered and bruised.

3. Reparent yourself. Even if you think it sounds hoaky, give it a try. The deep and profound healing I’ve experienced through my reparenting journey, especially in this past year, has been astounding. I can’t tell you how much fear and emotional pain I’ve released. Not to mention forging a real relationship with my inner family.

Reparenting can be as simple as being good and kind to yourself like a loving parent would be. It can also be very complex where you create a whole cast of inner characters and recast your past. To get started, I highly recommend getting your hands on a photo of you as a child so you can look at it regularly and say loving things to the picture. You might also try to connect using non-dominant handwriting. Write to your inner child with your dominant hand, then respond using your non-dominant hand. I don’t know how it works, but it does! Somehow doing that bypasses the adult part of your brain. Start with “getting to know you” comments and questions and see where it goes.

4. Mirror work. This was super awkward, but also super powerful! Look at your eyes in the mirror and say loving things to yourself. When I started this, I was very resistant. But I was committed to changing my ways and that meant I had to try new things. I decided the thing I needed to say to myself was, “I love you just the way you are Barb.”

I didn’t mean it at first and I cried while doing it. And I kept doing it. That meant I was telling myself, “I love you even when crying ‘for no reason,’ even when resisting doing this work, even when feeling weird and awkward.”

Eventually, it got less weird and awkward. Eventually, I stopped crying. Eventually, I meant it. And now, I very regularly (at least once daily) catch my eye in the bathroom mirror and say, “I love you Barb, just the way you are.” Now, I’m typically grinning an impish grin when I do it.

5. Take care of your physical body. You are an animal. You’re not a machine. And animals need care. They need consistent sleep, food, water, activity, and relaxation. We were meant to move. So move your body, and stop ingesting things that were not meant for consumption by animals. Or at least start adding things that are good for you, whether that’s healthy foods, consistent movement, or sleep. Just treat your body as if it is beloved, even if you don’t feel that way just yet.

Over the next two weeks, I’ll share parts 2 and 3 with some additional ways to fall in love with yourself. Remember that this is a journey. Most people grow in love with others, they don’t really “fall” into love immediately. So be patient with this new lover of yours.

For most blog posts like this go to FridayFragments.news

Moved With Compassion Ministry is a Charitable nonprofit 501c3 organization in New Haven. Our mission is to provide basic needs such as food, clothing along with educational and spiritual assistance so that those in the community can live with dignity and respect. We currently distribute clothing out of a basement in New Haven.  Clothing are issued to individual as requested.  We attend community events and set up tables with clothes, books and toys that we give out. We have a passion to serve the homeless and less fortune. We give out coats, hats,scarfs, socks, shoes, blankets and regular clothing to the homeless or anyone in need . We make the items available all year.  We have partnered with the newhallville community at their community event.  We currently have a need for 200 square feet of space to display and store the items that we give out. The organization is seeking a rent free space, we can supply a donation receipt for the cost of the space.  We desperately need the space immediately so we can effectively serve the homeless and less fortunate in our  community .  Thank you in advance

Photo Credit: Ozkan Guner

The concept of willingness is something we talk about frequently in recovery. We say if you’re willing, you can make it through just about anything.” But just because you’re willing to do something doesn’t mean you want to do that thing.

I am willing to have the dentist use a drill on my teeth, but I don’t want to do that.

This mindset shift has been enormously helpful to me, especially in my recovery. It’s exceedingly helpful when it comes to changing our behaviors for the better. 

I may not want to go to the gym five days a week, but I’m willing. That’s because adults do things they don’t necessarily want to because they want the outcome that behavior will get them. What I do want is a healthy, pain-free, physically fit body. That makes me willing to do the things required to have a healthy, pain-free, physically fit body.

Here’s a story to illustrate the immense power of willingness from someone I heard speaking at a recovery workshop. He’d been struggling in his recovery and relapsing, and during his one minute of willingness the day before he went online, he found out about the workshop and signed up.

At the workshop, he learned that there was a local men’s meeting. He’d never had the opportunity to attend a men’s meeting before, so he was really excited about that. He also got connected to a bunch of folks in the room, and it reignited his recovery because he’d been away from meetings for months. And then he said, “That all came from one minute of willingness yesterday. Can you imagine what I could accomplish if I had an hour of willingness? Or a day??”

Sometimes the only willingness you need is the willingness to type something into Google like the guy in the above example. And then, eventually, maybe it’s the willingness to skip that bad habit just one time. Then another. Then maybe willingness to follow the suggestions of your doctor or therapist, then willingness to go to a support group. Eventually, you will have to become willing to do whatever it takes to get the life you desire if that’s what you truly want. But in the beginning, the tiniest bit of willingness can carry you very far.

If you’re someone who believes in a Higher Power of some sort, and you use that Higher Power to help you with your willingness, it's my experience that that combo can move mountains! If you want to have outcomes you’ve never had before, it’s not going to happen unless you’re willing to try things that you’ve never tried. As they say, “Nothing changes if nothing changes.”

If there are role models whose lives you want to emulate, or who have qualities you admire, ask them what they’ve done to get there. Then become willing to take action. Eventually, you’ll have to actually take action, but in the beginning, it can help to just start with the willingness. You don’t have to want to do all the things recommended to you. Just be willing.

Action is a concrete form of willingness. When I started working with my first sponsor, she required me to go to two face-to-face meetings/week in that fellowship. I was already going to 4-5 meetings/week with my other fellowship, so I told her I was too busy.

She said, “Maybe you’ll have to skip one of those other meetings.” That didn’t feel like an option for me. But I looked at my schedule and decided I could make something work. When I later told her this, she said, ‘Barb, that’s called willingness. You told me no, but then you took action. That kind of willingness is what you need to recover.” I didn’t really want to add more meetings to my weekly schedule, but I was willing. And here I am now, years later still abstinent and at goal weight for 5 1/12 years. 

So you don’t have to want to do the actions that are suggested to you, but if you’re willing it can be the beginning you need.