Painting, photography, video, and installation art by Sue Rollins, Maria Markham

When old friends Sue Rollins and Maria Markham’s paths crossed again earlier this year, they found a great commonality in the work they were producing. The result of that reconnection is ALTERED LANDSCAPES, a collaboration by the two artists that presents a statement about climate change and how we might all work together to save our planet. The exhibit is on view at City Gallery from December 6 - December 28, with an Opening Reception on Saturday, December 7, 4-6 p.m. and an Artists Talk on Sunday, December 15, 2-3 p.m.

“We believe that communicating through art, and remaining active and engaged, are positive steps forward,” says City Gallery member artist Sue Rollins.

Combining painting, photography, video, and installation art, the exhibit seeks to imagine a way through our current precarities. As Maria Markham explains:

“We don’t know what the future will hold but through art, we imagine one that thrives, that provides sustenance for humans and non-humans alike, and that achieves ecological balance. As artists, with our eyes wide open, we seek to excavate possibilities and divine the edge of other futures.

Rollins agrees, saying, “Collective action, belief in the power of community engagement and commitment to creating a sustainable future are our tools. By making conscious choices in our everyday lives, remaining engaged and optimistic, let us work together to imagine and create an altered landscape that is full of possibility and hope.”

Sue Rollins is a Connecticut-based painter and printmaker. Her recent work combines traditional landscape painting with abstract expressionist elements, addressing our environmental challenges with altered landscapes or windows into the past and future, creating art that is both peaceful and chaotic. Her long career as a graphic designer and love for typography and the printed word continues to inform her work in unexpected ways. She is a member of City Gallery, Silvermine Guild of Artists, and is an elected member of Art League Rhode Island and Connecticut Women Artists. Her work was chosen for the 2024 Silvermine 74th A-One show, and she was the recipient of the Samuel and May Rudin Award at the 2024 Greenwich Art Society Summer Exhibit, juried by Lauren Rosati of the Met Modern. Her work has been featured in galleries and museums in New England and Florida, including Galatea Fine Art in Boston, Five Points Gallery in Torrington, Mattatuck Museum in Waterbury, Creative Arts Workshop in New Haven and University Gallery in Gainesville, FL. She received a BFA from the University of Florida and studied with abstract expressionist Hiram Williams and printmaker Ken Kerslake.

Maria Markham works primarily in installation, sculpture, photography and video. Her work focuses on ecologies and the climate crisis, immigration, the failures of capitalism, and the socio-cultural anxieties and upheavals that mark contemporary life. Her artwork has been featured nationally and internationally in exhibits at The Invisible Dog, Brooklyn, NY, Ely Center of Contemporary Art, CT, Accent Sisters, NJ, Pollinator Gallery, PA, School of Visual Arts, NY and The Alternative Art School, along with venues in Latvia, Estonia, Ireland and England. She is a member of the Nua Collaborative. Markham’s practice is amplified by over 30 years’ work in the nonprofit sector with diverse groups and communities. She holds a B.S. from Trinity College Dublin and a Masters in Nonprofit Management from Brandeis University. Markham (b. Dublin, Ireland) lives and works in New Haven, CT. She recently completed an MFA at the School for Visual Arts in New York.

The ALTERED LANDSCAPES exhibit is free and open to the public. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m., or by appointment. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

Photo Credit: Susan Wilkinson

What if I told you that I spent most of my life afraid—without even realizing it? 

I was mainly afraid of being judged by other people, and perhaps rejected or abandoned. But I’ve discovered something that changed my perspective: I am flawed—and that’s awesome. I call it being flawesome.

One way I tried to avoid judgment was by acting like I could afford things that really weren’t in my budget. As a result I ended up wracking up a bunch of credit card debt. By the time my student loans came due in 1999, I was unable to handle all that debt and ended up declaring bankruptcy.

What’s interesting is that I didn’t even realize I was mired in fear.  I always felt like a powerful woman of agency. I wasn’t afraid to go out alone at night like many women. Going through the 12-steps of recovery showed me that I was riddled with fear and many of my actions and decisions were motivated by fear. Specifically, they were to avoid being judged, abandoned and rejected.

I’m not a perfectionist, but I definitely had perfectionistic tendencies. One area where that became evident as I was doing the 12 steps was while journaling. Even though I never go back to and read my journals, and no one else ever reads them I didn’t allow myself to make errors while journaling. I’d stop and make corrections to spelling, grammar, punctuation, capitalization. If I wrote “shed” instead of “she’d” I wouldn’t allow that to stand as is, I had to correct it!

I can see now that I had this idea, buried deeply in my subconscious, that I shouldn't have flaws. I’m not sure how I internalized that idea, but it became clear to me as I got farther into 12 step recovery that I believed I was supposed to have answers, know the right thing to say and not make mistakes. Of course, I’m a human being who has flaws, so I tried to hide them and keep them secret. On some level I sort of hated myself for having flaws (or at least I hated my flaws). That is, I judged myself for being flawed.

Truth be told, I was also judging all of you and the world for being flawed too! I wanted the world to be different than it was. That pertained to things like traffic, the education system, the people around me,  and other things that weren’t working the way I wanted them to. That meant I was pissed off much of time.

As a result, created a whole bunch of different facades to hide behind in an effort to avoid being judged, rejected or abandoned. Creating all those facades caused me to become fragmented. To be sure, there were other things that contributed to my fragmentation as well (e.g., being dishonest). Recovery helped me to integrate all of the fragments into a coherent whole and get rid of the fragments that weren't authentically “me.”

One pivotal shift I made in recovery was coming to understand that I care way more what other people thought of me than what I thought of myself. I was willing to wrack up debt because of what others thought of me, but ignored what that debt was doing to me. Until I couldn’t anymore when the student loans came due. 

I eventually came to care more what I think of me than what others do. This  does not mean I don’t care at all what other think. It means I’m no longer willing to put myself in harm’s way or to compromise my integrity. I want people’s approval, but I don’t need it the way I used to. This change has been at the core of my ability to build and maintain healthy boundaries: I’m way more focused on what I think of myself than what others think of me.

One concept in particular helped me enormously on my journey from fragmented to whole, which is the concept of being

FLAWESOME

Being flawesome means that we are both flawed and awesome. They’re not mutually exclusive concepts. We’re flawed in our awesomeness and we’re awesome in our flawedness. The idea that you’re either flawed or awesome but can’t be both is the epitome of black and white thinking. 

Part of what makes me a unique person is my flaws. If I didn't have these flaws, I would never have my made my way into recovery, achieved the deep and profound life changes and become a podcaster, coaching and speaker. Now I'm grateful for my flaws.

That was definitely not the case in the past! I was a very defensive person because I didn’t want people to see behind my facades. For example, if someone pointed out a flaw like when I made a mistake, I’d act like I didn't make a mistake (which is ridiculous). I’d deny or distract as a way to take attention away from the mistake.

I didn't know what I was doing that at the time, I can only see it in retrospect. Now when I make a mistake, even if it’s in public, I say, “Oops!”  which is a pretty dramatic shift. Saying “ oops” acknowledges my mistake, but it's lighthearted. It's not, “Oh my God!! I can't believe I did that!! They’re gonna think I’m an idiot!!”

So I love this word flawesome and think of it frequently, especially when coaching clients. It’s perfectly normal to be flawed. It doesn't mean that you're not awesome. It’s a great concept for people who have grandiose thinking and for people who think they're the worst pieces of shit that ever walked the planet. It moves us out of the black and white thinking into both/and thinking. 

Now when I’m journaling and make a mistake, I let it go. I sometimes also giggle at the freedom I feel from allowing myself to make a mistake on something that really doesn’t matter. I also sometimes send emails and create social media posts that aren’t capitalized or don’t have proper grammar. It feels freeing to allow myself to relax in my life and embody the fact that I am flawesome. 

So let’s stop striving for perfection. Let’s be flawesome together. I challenge you to say “Oops!” out loud to yourself the next time you make a mistake. Let me know when that happens and what it does for you. Drop me an email here.\

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

Photo Credit: Elina Fairytale

If Thanksgiving didn't go the way that you wanted it to this year because you ended up doing things you didn't really want to do. Perhaps you…

• stayed places you didn't really want to stay or stayed longer than you really wanted to
• spent time with people  you didn't want to in the first place 
• ate things you didn't want to eat 
• had conversations you didn't want to have
• hugged and kissed people you really didn't want to hug and kiss 

The rest of the holiday season doesn't have to go that way. In fact, your life doesn’t have to go that way.

You can learn how to set limits with yourself and others, it doesn’t matter how old you are or how long-standing your relationships are!

You can have healthy, balanced relationships where you're not doing things you don’t want to or taking on too much, you're not allowing others to walk all over you, and you're not riddled with guilt and shame at the idea of hurting other people's feelings.

This is possible (I am living proof !). 

Before I learned how to build healthy boundaries, I didn't realize that I did not have to put up with the onslaught of chaos and drama from those around me. It just wasn’t an option for me to not put up with that stuff.

I eventually learned that *I* get to determine how I spend my time, who I spend it with, and how much time I spend with them. 

I’m now able to enjoy my holidays in a way that feels peaceful and easy to me. I have joy instead of dread, chaos, and drama. One of the things that was most difficult for me to learn was exactly what to say when setting boundaries. You’re in luck! Below are some of the things I’ve learned to say when setting boundaries.

Here are 23 Boundary Scripts to Take Back Your Life.

The thing is, knowing just what to say is only the starting point. You have to believe you deserve to set boundaries, you have to be grounded in what matters to you and stop focusing on what other people are feeling. Instead, focus internally on what you’re feeling, thinking, and doing.

That can be extremely difficult after decades of behaving in the opposite way. But it’s possible to change, especially when you get coached by an expert who has done all this herself and coached scores of others who have had amazing transformations!

If you’re DONE with your old ways, this is the PERFECT TIME to take advantage of my private coaching program because I’m offering over 25% off for my Black Friday special through Cyber Monday 12/2. You have to sign up for a free 30-minute Better Boundaries call with me by Monday to take advantage of this special. I’ve added extra call slots to my calendar, so don’t wait. Sign up for your call here.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

Photo Credit: Adobe Stock

If you’re dreading the holidays because you end up doing things you’re not really interested in doing, or going places you don’t really want go, or exchanging gifts when you don’t feel like it – I’ve got some good news for you!

You get to have the kind of holidays YOU want to have!

It’s OK to ask for what you really want and need during the Holidays. This could mean the type of gift that you want, the amount of time that you want to spend with someone, the amount of alone time or lounging time you have with your family, or certain destinations that you’d like to go to.

It’s also okay if people get mad at you for setting boundaries during the Holidays. It’s not the end of the world to have someone upset with you – it shows that they heard you! You deserve to enjoy the Holidays just like everyone else does!

The sooner you set boundaries with your friends and family, the sooner you’ll be able to actually enjoy the holiday season!

• it’s OK to not go home for the Holidays
• it’s OK to change holiday traditions
• you don’t have to spend the Holidays with people that you don’t like 
• you don’t have to exchange gifts if you want to 
• you don’t have to host a holiday event this year, or ever (even if you’ve always been the one to do it)
• you don’t have to live up to other people’s expectations for the Holidays
• it’s OK to refuse affection from family during the Holidays
• it’s OK to stay at a hotel instead of at your family’s home during the Holidays 
• and you don’t have to talk about subjects that are private or that make you uncomfortable over the Holidays

Below are a few suggested scripts for some of the above boundaries you might want to set.

You don’t have to explain yourself if you’ve changed your holiday traditions. In fact, it’s never your job to convince anyone to understand your boundaries. Choosing to no longer over-explain and justify a boundary is a boundary in itself.

If you want to change holiday traditions, you might say something like, “I’m not going to _ this year.  I’d like to try something new. it doesn’t mean I don’t value our old traditions, it means I want to create some new traditions.”

It’s OK to not go home for the Holidays. You might say, “I’m not gonna make it this year mom. I know you’re disappointed, I am too, but it’s just not possible this year.”

You don’t have to exchange holiday gifts if you don’t want to. You could say, “I’m no longer exchanging gifts with friends, just family. What I’d really like is to spend some time with you.”

You don’t have to talk about subjects that are private or that make you uncomfortable. You might say something like, “I don’t discuss that with other people” or “I’m uncomfortable with this conversation, let’s change the subject.”

If you know you want to set one or more of these boundaries for the holidays, I recommend you do it today! It’s respectful of the others with whom you’re changing plans, and it gives you peace of mind that it’s over with (and that you’re not going to do things you don’t want to do!).

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

The Yale Teaching Fellowship, a partnership between Yale, Southern Connecticut State University, New Haven Public Schools, and New Haven Promise, will train high-quality teachers from diverse backgrounds and promote long-term retention for New Haven Public Schools.

The Yale Teaching Fellowship supports graduate study for current and aspiring educators. After completion of the Fellowship, participants will work in New Haven Public Schools for at least three years, helping to address teacher shortage areas in the district. Over four years, beginning in May 2025, the program will place more than 100 teachers with Master’s degrees in the city’s schools. The Fellowship has three tracks, two of which are dedicated to current NHPS employees, two of which include a living stipend, and all of which include full tuition and fees.

Applications for the inaugural cohort are open now and will close January 1st. Please help spread the word! More information can be found at www.newhavenpromise.org, and any/all questions can be directed to christine.gentry@yale.edu. Thank you!

Photo Credit: Allan Mas

“Just because you think something doesn't mean it’s true.”

This was a revelation to me when I got into recovery. Not only was that notion surprising, but the fact that I’d been doing some kind of personal development work for over 30 years and this had never occurred to me was shocking.

I’ve since learned that I can change my beliefs by changing my thoughts. That’s because beliefs are just thoughts we’ve been thinking for so long that we come to accept them as THE TRUTH.  This has reminded me of something I shared on a podcast episode 3.5 years ago about turning obstacles into detours.

Obstacles vs. Detours

That is, I changed my mind about what obstacles are. I used to think of them as blocking me from achieving what I wanted. I now know that they’re actually detours, put into my way by the universe as a signal to take another route. 

When seeming obstacles have appeared in my life, I can look back and see that they were actually rerouting me in a different direction. Things that felt like absolute disasters in my life turned into blessings or they led me to something fantastic.

When you come to a roadblock where there's a detour sign, it's because there's something ahead that you or someone else might be hurt by, or there will be an extreme delay if you go that way. The detour is meant to take you on a different path. You can still get to your destination, just by a different path and likely on a different timetable than originally planned. My experience is that this is also true with things that appear to be obstacles in our lives.

A personal example of a seeming obstacle that was really a detour.

I was introduced to a guy named Jerry with the intention of casually dating. Neither one of us had any intention of becoming serious. Yet we unexpectedly fell in love. Very soon we started talking about spending the rest of our lives together. A few months later, seemingly out of the blue, he dumped me.

Up until that point, it was the worst thing I had ever experienced. I was a f-ing mess! I felt loved by him in a way I never had before, so I was absolutely devasted. A few months later he came back, apologized, told me he’d had to do some soul searching and we reunited. Soon after, he asked me to marry him I said yes! Five months later he dumped me again.

As you can imagine, I was devastated again. I’d had my heart broken before, but not like this. And never twice by the same person. This felt like an enormous obstacle to the future life I had envisioned. I thought I’d never be able to live without him, I’d never get over him and I’d never meet someone I loved so dearly and who loved me so dearly.

Yet here I am, 20+ years later, and I’m completely indifferent to him. And I’m a healthy person in mind, body, and spirit and in a healthy romantic relationship with “my person.” A few years after Jerry dumped me, I got to the point where I became just as grateful that he had dumped me as I had been that he had come into my life. There was so much about that relationship that was extremely unhealthy.

For one thing, we drank booze and smoked weed very heavily together. I was extremely heavy at the time, and he really loved heavy women. He constantly gave me goodies like Boston cream doughnuts because he wanted me to be even fatter (which honestly blew my mind – I’d never heard of “chubby chasers” before I met him!).

Where that detour led.

Had I stayed in that relationship, there’s no telling if I’d still be alive. I certainly wouldn't be living happy, joyous, and free the way I am now, with a sweetheart who’s clean, sober, and thoughtful. I have an intimate, healthy relationship now which I couldn’t even have fathomed back then.

That breakup appeared to be an obstacle on the path to my “happily ever after” when in fact it was a detour. As a result of the deep pain of that relationship, I decided I was not going to wait for the universe to reveal the reason for that experience. I decided *I* was going to make meaning out of it. I took a deep look at myself and I realized two aspects of my life were an absolute mess: my finances and my health.

I then proceeded to take a five-year period of time to overhaul my finances. I changed over 25 habits and behaviors around my finances and started reading about finances daily so they’d always be at the forefront of my mind. I later took about a five-year period of time to overhaul my health and lost 50 pounds. This was well before I got into 12-step recovery, so even though I worked on all this stuff back then, it wasn’t enough. However, those two periods of working on my finances and health paved the way for where I am today. 

How to transform an obstacle into a detour.

The way to transform a seeming obstacle into a detour is to make a decision to do so. It’s really that easy. There’s no need to wait for the perspective of time to realize, “This isn’t an obstacle, it’s a detour!”

Here’s another example. I was laid off after 19 years at Yale. Many would think of that as a disaster. In fact, that’s what I thought at first. Yet I would never have started my own business if that hadn’t happened. I've helped thousands of people on their healing, growth, and recovery journeys through my professional speaking, podcast, writing, and coaching. None of that could have happened unless I hit that “obstacle” of being laid off. 

The universe is for you, not against you. Or, as David Bayer says, “Believe in the certainty of the goodness of the future.” When we remember that things that appear to be obstacles are actually detours, it eases our tension, anxiety, and worry. There’s no need to wait for the future to show you, “That was a good thing that happened.” 

The universe knows better than you do. All you have to do is change your mind about what things mean: this is a detour, not an obstacle. When you start playing with that idea, you can start to imagine “What fantastic places might this detour be leading me to?” instead of “What disasters are coming my way because of this obstacle?” Dream about good things that could be coming your way and stop catastrophizing.

When you do that, you’re approaching life from a powerful state of being and living on purpose. When you see things as obstacles, you’re approaching life from a primal state and living reactively. All it takes is one little decision to make that shift.

Do you work or volunteer at a nonprofit in the Greater New Haven area? Of course you do! Please join us at our second Nonprofit Social Hour this Tuesday October 29.

Join us again or an unforgettable evening of camaraderie, collaboration, and celebration! This event aims to bring together the nonprofit community in the Greater New Haven region in a laid back space to celebrate our work and unwind.

There will be light refreshments provided. As part of the Center for Community Collaboration's commitment to amplify the voices of emerging organizations in the Greater New Haven area, we're curating a vibrant space for feedback, connection, and collective brainstorming. Dive deep into meaningful conversations, sway to live tunes, and raise a glass to a more connected community. Whether you're looking to share insights or simply mingle with like-minded community champions, this night promises community-building with a twist of fun!

Each year, the Leadership Greater New Haven class, run by the Greater New Haven Chamber, assists nonprofit organizations and small for-profit businesses that have a specific strategic challenge.  

• LGNH is inviting organizations to submit a project for consideration. These projects can be based in the following areas: Marketing, HR, Finance, IT, or can be business plan development related OR solve other organizational challenges. These projects should not be event planning related.  
• Five (5) organizations will be selected to present their project to the leadership class on Wednesday, November 13th, 2024.  
• Each organization will have 15 minutes to present their issue directly to the class. The class will decide which projects it will undertake. Class teams of 4-5 business professionals will work with the selected organizations, on their projects, from November 2024 to February 2025.

***RESPONSES MUST BE SUBMITTED BY FRIDAY, OCTOBER 25TH, 2024***

Fill out the form here.

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Your Intentions should matter to YOU because they impact your integrity. But they DON’T matter to others if the impact of your behavior on them is negative.

Why your intentions matter to you. 

Let’s say you’re doing something because you want someone to like you versus doing the same exact thing because you want to be kind and good. The impact on your integrity will differ based on your intent.

Running errands for someone just to make them like you chips away at your integrity. Why? Because you're trying to manipulate their opinion of you. Yeah, I know – it sucks to learn that, doesn’t it?! I felt the same way when that was pointed out to me. Keep in mind, this is info, not ammo (i.e., information to grow from, not ammunition to beat yourself up).

When you run errands for someone so they’ll like you, your intention is to get them to think a certain thing about you. Your intention is not to be good and kind. You may TELL yourself you’re just trying to be nice (which is what I used to tell myself and others) but that’s not what’s going on. I was trying to manipulate their opinion of me. I wasn’t aware of that until I got into recovery, but that’s what had been going on for decades.

If you run errands for someone and your intention is to be good and kind, that maintains or possibly even increases your integrity. That’s because you’re living your life according to spiritual principles like goodness and kindness. It’s also because you’re being honest with yourself and others about your motives.

In recovery, we learn to apply spiritual principles like honesty and kindness to everything we do. It’s about living with integrity, even when no one is watching.

Why your intentions don't matter to others.

Others don't care if you were “just trying to help” if what you did impacted them negatively. For example, if you’re white and you ask a dark-skinned person, “What are you?” they don't give a shit what your intention was. The effect is that it made them feel alienated and unwelcome. 

The implication is they're not from here or are something foreign because they’re not white. Your intention might be to get to know them but the impact is that you've alienated them. You’ve made them feel like they don't belong. That is so much more important to them than your intentions. They’re feeling alienated and unwelcome, so they don't really give a shit about your intentions.

This is really important to understand. Many people, especially those of us who are codependent, say things like, “I was only trying to help” to excuse bad behavior. As a recovered codependent, I can look back at my behavior and see that what I meant by that was, “You should give me a pass no matter what the impact is because my intentions were pure.” And thus the often repeated saying, “The road to hell was paved with good intentions.”

What was really going on was that I was often trying to be helpful so I could control the situation.  I wanted things to come out the way I wanted them to. In most cases, I wanted people to like me or think I was kind, so I said my intention was pure (to be nice or helpful). In fact, my intention was to manipulate people into liking me. I was blind to all this back then, mind you, which is why I’m sharing this now – so perhaps you’ll see your motives through stories of my former behavior.

Other people don't care about your intentions, but you should care about your intentions. Others can't see your intentions, they can only see your behavior. Even if you tell them about you, what they see is your behavior.

How to get clear about your intentions.

• Run your plan by a trusted person before you go through with that behavior. Tell them what you intend to do and ask if that sounds like a good idea to them. 
• Get the consent of others when you want to offer help. Make sure they actually want your help and agree to it before giving it. Give them the autonomy to choose whether or not to accept your help, which is respectful of them. 
• Wait to be asked for help. Don’t act like you know what’s best for others. 
• Try to think from the other person's perspective. Do your best to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Imagine how they might receive the thing you want to say or do. 

Doing these things will either maintain or improve your integrity. That’s because you’re being clear that your intention is to help in ways they want to be helped, not to help others no matter what they want. Being respectful of others is high-integrity behavior.

When it comes to your intentions, you may have to do some real soul-searching. I figured out that I was doing things to get people to think I was nice rather than doing them because I was nice. In other words, I was more focused on the perception that I was nice than actually being nice. Yikes!

I came to see this when someone in recovery asked me, “Why are you helping? Is it to be helpful or to get them to like you?” My initial response was that I was not doing it to get people to like me. But once that question percolated in my mind, I started asking myself what my motives were. That’s turned into one of the most important questions I ask myself when I'm trying to decide what the right thing to do is. 

Another question that I often pair with “What are my motives?” is “Does this serve my highest good?” These questions keep me in alignment with my integrity. Your integrity matters. Integrity is another word for wholeness. And who doesn’t want to be whole?

Your intentions may not matter to others, but they deeply affect your integrity. Take the time to reflect on your motives, and you’ll build a life rooted in honesty and self-respect.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

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Photo Credit: Blameave Calvar

If other people are to blame for everything that's wrong in your life, you’re screwed! That would mean you have no options. I don’t believe that. When we realize that others are not to blame for the difficulties of our lives, we can take responsibility for making changes in our lives.

This doesn't mean nobody ever did anything to you that was harmful. It means that if you focus entirely on what other people or society did to you, you’re never going to try to make any changes because you’re acting like you don't have options. Staying in blame is like acting as if your fate has been sealed. But you actually DO have options. 

Here are a couple of famous examples from people in history who were horribly harmed, yet chose not to blame but instead to focus on what they COULD do. 

Nelson Mandela 

He was in prison for 27 years of hard labor, tortured, and treated horribly. He could have spent all that time in resentment and blame toward his captors, yet he chose to see his them as human. And he chose to use all that energy he would have been expending in blame and resentment toward his efforts to develop himself spiritually. He went on to become the first elected president of South Africa from 1994-99.

Victor Frankl 

He was imprisoned during the holocaust of WWII in four different concentration camps. He later wrote one of the top 10 most influential books in America Man’s Search for Meaning. It was based on the psychological theory he developed before being imprisoned which he put into practice during his imprisonment. His theory is based on the belief that life holds meaning regardless of one’s circumstances. He chose to MAKE meaning of his circumstances by caring for others while he was there.

Mandela and Frankl lived through some of the most horrendous situations humans can endure and they came out of those situations without blaming others. They decided to make choices about what to do with their lives. If they can do that, it’s also possible for you.

Even if other people did cause something and are to blame, it's not helping you to focus on blaming them. Nothing is changing by you focusing on blaming them. In fact, it’s probably paralyzing you and keeping you stuck where you are. 

When you stop blaming other people you can start looking for ways that you can make a difference. That is when everything will change. 

If your life sucks and you want it to change

When you blame others you’re not focused on yourself and what you can do in the here and now to help yourself. If your life sucks and you want it to change, you’ll have to stop focusing on blaming others so you can actually do something to change your circumstances.

It may feel unjust to stop blaming others, and maybe it is. But if you want your life to be different, you’ll need to set aside your anger at the injustice and prioritize taking control of your life. 

The Serenity Prayer is a good reminder here because it's an important key to how to have a good life. It articulates one of the central tasks of life: 

To understand the difference between the things we can and cannot change

When we discern the wisdom to know the difference between the things we can and cannot change, we can put our energy in the areas where we CAN make change. Most of us with unmanageable lives are focused entirely on things we can’t change. This leaves us with no energy or incentive to change what we CAN. We’re so drained by not being able to affect things that are out of our control that we’ve got nothing left to make changes where we do have control.

Once you understand what you can control and you put your focus on that, then it’s a matter of getting the courage to change the things you can. But you're never going to change anything if all you do is focus on blaming other people, what they did to you, and how unjust it was. When you blame them for not having accomplished the things you want to accomplish, you’re stuck. You’ll have to come out of blame so you can decide “I'm going to do something about this.”

Nothing can change what happened in the past, but you CAN change what will happen if you keep the focus on yourself.

Ready to take the next step towards a more fulfilling life?

Enroll in our Boundaries by Design course and start setting healthy boundaries today.

Learn practical tools and strategies for saying "no" with confidence, communicating your needs effectively, and prioritizing your own well-being.

In November, City Gallery welcomes new gallery member Robert Jacoby and his solo exhibition FREEWHEELING. The show runs November 3 - November 29, with an Opening Reception on Sunday, November 3, 2-4 p.m.

Jacoby has been an active artist since the mid-1980s, focused initially on representational drawing and painting. After retiring from the faculty at the Yale School of Medicine in the early 2000s, he moved to abstraction, initially to explore “duende,” the Dionysian force guiding flamenco singers and dancers to inspiring performance.

That exploration led to the diverse style visitors will see in the City Gallery exhibit — in which the artist is less concerned about “voice” than authentic expression.

A Guilford resident, Jacoby has shown work throughout Connecticut and is a member of the Guilford Art League, New Haven Paint and Clay Club, and City Gallery (New Haven).  You can see more of his work at www.jacobyart.com.

The FREEWHEELING exhibit is free and open to the public. City Gallery is located at 994 State Street, New Haven, CT 06511. Gallery hours are Friday - Sunday, 12 p.m. - 4 p.m., or by appointment. For further information please contact City Gallery, info@city-gallery.org, www.city-gallery.org.

Photo Credit: Kateryna Hliznitso

I used to be confused about the difference between intensity and intimacy. I’m guessing some of you are too. I never had true intimacy with anyone before recovery, but I had lots of intense relationships. I mistook that intensity for intimacy. I’m pretty sure this is how my thinking went like: if there’s intensity, it must mean there’s a real, important, and tight connection (i.e., intimacy).

I know now that’s not necessarily true. In fact, in my experience since recovery, it’s patently untrue.

An Example of Intensity

I remember a woman at a meeting once talking about an episode with her boyfriend where she’d literally clung to his ankles, sobbing as he tried to leave. As she sobbed, she begged him not to leave her. She thought she was in love with him. She thought that desperate feeling that was so intense was proof of that love.

At the same time, she knew that clinging to his ankles, and sobbing as he tried to leave was not mature, adult behavior. This is a great example of mistaking the intensity of her feelings for intimacy. Drama is a good indicator that you’re experiencing intensity as opposed to intimacy, as this woman’s situation shows.

My Desire for Intimacy

For decades I craved intimacy. I really didn’t understand what it was from an experiential point of view. I thought I understood it theoretically. To be sure, I knew I didn’t have it! Recovery taught me that the only way to achieve intimacy is by being vulnerable with others. You simply can’t be intimate with another person if you’re not willing (or able) to be vulnerable with them.

I happen to be attracted to men, so all my romantic partners have been men. I tried to take a short cut to emotional intimacy with these men by having sex with them pretty early in the relationship. Mind you – I thought I wasn’t rushing into things by waiting 3-4 weeks to have sex with them. I convinced myself that that was “waiting.” 

I now understand that true intimacy is emotional, not physical, and you can’t shortcut it with physical intimacy. However, physical intimacy is greatly enhanced when there’s emotional intimacy. Physical intimacy just can’t come first. Believe me, I tried for decades in many relationships!

I’ve heard people use the phrase “Into Me I See” when referring to intimacy. But for the longest time, I always understood intimacy as “into me YOU see.” I thought of it as this: intimacy means I let You see inside of Me. Which it does, but I just didn’t get the Into Me *I* See thing.

I had a conversation with a client that helped me understand why we say “Into Me I see.” She was trying to get her partner to change her mind and admit that she was wrong. My client couldn’t see that that was what she was trying to do. She believed she was sharing “facts” with her partner, and that what she was saying was “correct.”

She thought she was doing her partner a favor by enlightening her to “the truth.” As our conversation progressed and she realized what she’d really been doing (trying to get her partner to admit she was wrong), I told her she now had an opportunity for some real intimacy with her partner. She could choose to discuss this with her partner and be vulnerable by sharing this not-so-nice thing she realized about herself. Or, she could choose to not share that she had had this realization and that she’d been trying to get her partner to admit she was wrong.

Together, we realized that it was only in a relationship with a partner she cared deeply about that she could really see her motives. We need the kind of reflection we get back from those who are close to us to really see ourselves. If we’re not authentic and vulnerable with others, what we get reflected back to us about ourselves will only skim the surface. She got to SEE into herself because of the intimate nature of her relationship with her partner.

For years I wanted desperately to be seen, to be known by others. But there was no way I was going to be emotionally vulnerable, so there was no way for me to be really known. Until recovery, experience showed me that being vulnerable was very risky. It led to ridicule, humiliation, shame, abandonment, and PAIN. Lots of pain.

What I didn’t know back then was that I had not learned to trust people who were trustworthy. I had this weird thing going on where I’d share TMI (too much info – before TMI was even a saying!). At the same time, I was holding back really important pieces of info about myself that led to intimacy: fears, insecurities, what I thought and felt. 

I often shared things with people who were untrustworthy, and then they’d violate my trust, and I‘d be mad at THEM for violating my trust. Sometimes people would show me in multiple ways that they were untrustworthy, but I’d trust them anyway! I think I was hoping that somehow, they’d turn into a trustworthy person if I just loved them enough. 

Now that I understand that that is what was what was going on, I’ve learned to trust people who are trustworthy. I really get now that trust is something we can only build over time. One of the ways I’ve learned to build trust is to share something a little bit personal and see how the person reacts. If they’re empathetic and kind, I’m more likely to trust them, and eventually share a little bit more with them. 

There are a variety of other ways people can respond that lead to trust, for sure. But the other thing they have to do, eventually, is share something with me. It doesn’t have to be tit for tat where every time I share something they share something too. But it should average out so that I’m not the only one doing the sharing. Intimacy means we are both open to sharing with each other. I’m not the only one sharing personal stuff and they’re not the only one either.

Building trust and intimacy came first in the rooms of recovery for me. When we share our worst behaviors, or our worst thoughts or fears, it’s a pretty bonding experience. Building trust takes time and for me, it largely comes down to having healthy boundaries. In fact, a huge part of my recovery comes down to boundaries (which is why I became a boundaries coach – because they were so game-changing in so many areas of my life!).

Someone who has well-established boundaries is trustworthy because I know who I’m getting! I know that who they say they are is who they actually are. That’s who’s going to show up. And THAT is someone I can be intimate and vulnerable with. And because I now have healthy boundaries, I trust myself to show up as my full self. That means others who are well-boundaries are more likely to be attracted to me. 

I am now attracted to, and attractive to, a completely different kind of person now that I have healthy boundaries. My sweetheart is a prime example. One of the things that attracted me to him the most when we first started dating was that he had really healthy boundaries.

I’ve now been able to create intimate relationships with others, both in terms of friendships and romantically because I have healthy boundaries and am able to discern who is trustworthy and then be vulnerable with them. I let them see the real, flawed (and awesome) me. 

If you don’t really know how to BE in relationships in the ways I’ve described above, I’m offering an 8-week structured course for women called, “Boundaries by Design – A Blueprint for Your Life.” In this course, you’ll find the BE in boundaries: 

?How to be in your life

?How to be in your feelings

?How to be situated within yourself

?How to be in healthy relationships

?How to be in organizations

?How to be generous with your time and talents in a way that’s sustainable

Find out more here.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

Oct 10th, my 71st birthday, I will be the Investor Guest Speaker at the Captial For Change's Annual Meeting.

Diane Smith Introduces Me

Susan Huizenga retired into the role of volunteer Executive Director of WPAA-TV and Media Center fifteen years ago because any person or organization could be empowered using its tools & stage.  Her community service began 45 years ago with two years of VISTA. Subsequent roles have included foster mom, President of the League of Women Voters of New Haven, Chairman of a Cable Advisory Council, Prison Chaplain’s Toy Drive Coordinator, Fantasy of Lights Holiday Team Lead, and church treasurer - all with two things in common: cherishing family and staying out of the limelight. Finally, heeding the advice of her VISTA supervisor, she agreed not to keep her light under a basket. Susan Huizenga, her friends call her Adele, will share how she came to be a C4C advocate.

Our Story Together Begins in 1971

In 1971, a few months before Ned Coll's 'Free the Beaches' fame, the Founder of the Hartford North End Revitalization Corps was my high school commencement speaker.

I was on the speaker selection committee. In my send-off to college, My dad gave me a brick and placard. He suggested I was radicalized by Ned Coll. My Dad had more in common with the tenacious Mr. Coll than he knew. They both had a fundamental belief.

Having a home is essential to stability, which is essential to all other opportunities.

I adopted this belief as a core value.

As a business systems analyst of 30-something years, I am a fan of solutions with process improvement. The 2016 merger forming Capital For Change elevated my awareness and appreciation of what I knew about the Greater New Haven Community Loan Fund (GNHCLF).

The loan fund was incorporated, in part, as a result of a two-year interfaith collaboration that supported people temporarily housed by the state in the motel near Merit Parkway Tunnel. We funded security deposits, found furnishings, and moved families into their new apartments ~ many times after cleaning them.

It was there that I met Mr. Harris and his two grandchildren. He was at the motel for 18 months. He provided Social Work Services to motel families without compensation. He had lost his home to fire. The kids lost their mother to opiates. He was relocated to Newhallville. We kept in touch. When I relocated from the Beaver Hill neighborhood in New Haven to North Branford for my growing foster family, Mr. Harris moved into my section 8-approved house.

With these stories, I am not suggesting that to be an investor in Capital For Change you need to be radical in any way. However, I believe the values of equity & solution-driven strategies are critical to the engagement of prospective C4C investors.

Investing reconnected me to housing advocacy. I will add to my investment annually until the modest return can pay for the taxes on my Wallingford home. WPAA-TV will soon make at least one more recurring loan as part of its long-term sustainability strategy for 28 S Orchard St.

I do not know if some version of C4C was operating in 2009. The property owner had agreed to hold the paper with terms of ‘no down payment, 15 yrs. for 6 percent’. A few days before our closing, the terms changed to $40,000 down and 6.5 percent interest. It felt impossible and the rationale was disturbing.

It turns out WPAA-TV would be rescued by my dad's secret love: Violin Music.  The man I excavated out of a dilapidated trailer park in Florida because to quote him ‘He only needed shelter” was a secret fan ClassicArts TV played after midnight on WPAATV. He offered us a C4C-style solution. He loaned us the down payment at 5% interest. He suggested we do an interest-only loan for our 1st year to help with our cash flow. Within 12 years WPAA-TV was debt-free.

We, the Board of WPAA-TV, and I know the value of a good investment partner and are proud to be part of C4C's mission as investors.

LISC Connecticut will launch a second round of its Capacity Building Cohort in January 2025 for community development corporations (CDCs) and other community development organizations providing critical support to residents living with low- to moderate-incomes. This program is sponsored in part by JPMorganChase Foundation and leverages US Department of Housing & Urban Development Section 4 funding.

Eligibility Criteria:

• Be a registered 501(c)(3)
• Be working in the state of Connecticut
• Provide core community development activities (as defined by US HUD).
• Have at least 1 paid, FT staff member (for volunteer-led organizations, please contact LISC to discuss)

LISC is seeking to work with organizations that have organizational administrative capacity challenges they are trying to or would like to address; organizations that may have had findings from audits or other fiscal challenges; and/or organizations with leadership (staff and board) reflective of the communities the organization serves.

Cohort Highlights Include:

• 1:1 Coaching w/ Consultant
• 6 In-person Peer Learning Sessions with other cohort participants
• $15,000 grant in Year 1; Access to apply for additional funding in Year 2

To learn more about the cohort, please join LISC for a virtual open house on Friday, October 25 - we will have a short presentation and Q&A session starting at the top and bottom of each hour, from 9 to 11 AM. (Register here: https://lisc-org.zoom.us/meeting/register/tZ0pcu-tqzIpGdGg34zgQseQN5DncO3AeOjC)

For more information, please review the Program Flyer or Review the FAQs.

Interested organizations may apply here: https://lisc.tfaforms.net/1317. Applications due Friday, November 8 at 11:59 PM.

If you have any questions, please contact Kasey LaFlam, Director of Partnerships & Programs (klaflam@lisc.org). 

Join us this Monday, October 7th, at 11:00 am in Ives Squared at the Ives Memorial Library as the New Haven Free Public Library (NHFPL) hosts the Regional Digital Navigator Kick-off! This event marks the official launch of our regional partnership to provide expanded computer and technology assistance in the form of a Digital Navigator in communities throughout the state of CT, supported by an Institute of Museum and Library Services (IMLS) grant in collaboration with the State Library.

What is a Digital Navigator?
According to the National Alliance of Digital Navigators, they are "trusted guides who assist community members with ongoing, individualized support for accessing affordable and appropriate connectivity, devices, and digital skills."

The Digital Navigators provided through the State Regional Hub are trained team members who specialize in offering personalized help with all kinds of technology, from computers and tablets to online tools and services.

How does this benefit our community?
While NHFPL staff already assist patrons with their tech needs, they also juggle many other responsibilities including general reference, collection development, and programming. The Digital Navigator program allows us to offer a dedicated team member solely focused on providing individualized tech support, whether at the Library or out in the community. Plus, participants who commit to working with a Digital Navigator for multiple sessions may be eligible to receive a free laptop or tablet of their own to keep!

We are thrilled to host this kick-off, especially as it coincides with the start of Digital Inclusion Week 2024. We’re looking forward to welcoming our partners from Bridgeport, Hamden, Naugatuck, Derby Neck, West Haven, and Woodbridge, along with Mayor Elicker and local elected officials.

Meet Our New Haven Digital Navigator
Help us spread the word about Hugh-John Dunkley, New Haven's very own Digital Navigator! A recent graduate in Computer Science from the University of New Haven, Hugh-John is available to meet with clients at the library or anywhere in the community—coffee shops, community centers, and colleges (just not private homes). Bilingual support is available in English, Spanish, and Arabic. He is available in New Haven on Wednesdays and Thursdays, by appointment.

Learn more about the program here.

How can a Digital Navigator help me?
Our Digital Navigators assist with job applications, résumé building, basic Microsoft and Windows skills, email setup, learning how to use computer programs, navigating MyChart, college applications, and distance learning tools. They can also help with any type of digital device beyond just PCs and tablets.

Celebrate Digital Inclusion Week with Us!
Digital Inclusion Week highlights the importance of bridging the digital divide. For many, access to technology is a barrier to career mobility, applying for benefits, or accessing education or healthcare resources. Digital equity is key to ensuring everyone can use digital tools confidently and effectively.

Here are some exciting programs happening systemwide during Digital Inclusion Week:

Resume and Tech Support with Yale Undergraduate Prison Project (YUPP)** at Ives on 10/5
Introduction to Computer Literacy Series** in partnership with CfAL starting 10/7 at Ives (three-part series)
Digital Navigator Introduction and Cyber Security Awareness** for local senior centers on 10/10 at Ives

Remember, NHFPL also lends free hotspots and Chromebooks to help extend access beyond the Library walls.

Let's work together to build a digitally inclusive community!

Photo Credit: Anete Lusina

Telling the truth can be really scary sometimes, especially if you’ve been dishonest for much of your life. Given my history of addiction, compulsion, obsession, mental health problems, and growing up in a dysfunctional family, it makes total sense why telling the truth was so scary for me. Withholding information was a tool I used to control, manipulate, and feel safe for most of my life.

But I didn't really even know that was going on. I thought I was an honest person when I got into recovery at age 52. NOPE! Not true! This is what’s called “denial” in recovery (D-E-N-I-A-L: Don’t Even Notice I’m A Liar). 

It was through the process of 12-step recovery that I came to see how dishonest I was. I outright lied about stuff sometimes, but my main form of dishonesty was withholding information. I call that “managing information.” I did it to construct the image I wanted people to have of me. That might have been that I wanted them to think I was nice or kind or helpful or smart or knowledgeable or generous, whatever.

I can now see the root cause of that was that I cared more what other people thought about me than what I thought of myself. That meant that I was willing to be dishonest to get what I wanted. That’s another way of saying I was willing to compromise my integrity for the “good opinion” of others. I was willing to throw my integrity out the window so you’d approve of me. I'm not willing to do that anymore. 

I’m going to recount a situation that happened a few years ago in the hopes that it will be instructive for you in seeing your own patterns, whether they’re patterns of dishonesty or something different. 

What I learned about telling the truth. 

In a moment I’ll share the actual truth of the matter at hand here. The truth of this situation is not anywhere near as important as me TELLING the truth about it (at least for me, in this instance). 

A few years ago, a situation arose in my business where I had a feeling of holding on to something like I was a pressure cooker. Tension was building and I didn't know what it was until it came out through journaling. Journaling revealed that the pressure resulted from my fear that people would find out the truth about something. As I started thinking about telling the truth, I realized I had much more fear of telling the truth than fear of people finding out what that truth actually was. 

The truth I’d been afraid to share was that the first time I tried to recruit participants for a group coaching program I was offering, no one signed up. The only person who got in did so for free because of a promotion I did. I felt really shitty about it. The idea that I shouldn't let other people know that nobody had signed seemed kind of crazy to me. except that it’s not, given my history of dishonesty. Withholding information was like a well-worn groove that was easy to slip into.

There’s so much about this that’s interesting. At first, I didn't even know I had fear. I could just feel the pressure in my body, and I had to do some journaling to get at it. The pressure was that I was trying to push down or cover up the truth. I wanted to keep other people from finding out that nobody had signed up for my group coaching program. 

All this information about the coaching program pales in comparison to what I learned about myself in terms of telling the truth. The idea of telling the truth made me feel like I was going to die. It was really painful, as was the realization that I really didn’t want to tell the truth.

This situation reminded of when I first got into recovery. I did the 12 steps with three other women and when we started doing the new behaviors, whether it was telling the truth, setting a boundary, or taking time for ourselves, we’d say to each other, “I did the thing and I didn't die!”

We joked about not dying! We felt like we really needed to keep saying, “…and I didn't die” because we honestly felt like we were going die when even thinking about engaging in our new behavior. Personally, I felt that it was psychologically important for me to reinforce for myself that I didn't die from doing the new thing. I needed to get that info into my subconscious mind so it would register: You Did The Thing And Didn’t Die.

If you're new to changing your behavior patterns, it can be scary. But guess what? You're not going to die! Even if it feels like it, you’re not going to die!

The reward of telling the truth is that you respect yourself. You've shown up for yourself in a way you may never have before. I think of it as becoming closer to God because of something my deceased brother Pat once said to me: “If you don’t want to know the truth, then you don’t want to know God, because God is truth.” So if you can't tell the truth, you can't get close to God

And so, dear reader, I challenge you: if there's something you've been withholding from someone, even if it's yourself you've been withholding it from, tell the truth. It will set you free and bring you into integrity with yourself. 

Back when I went through this whole situation, I started by telling the truth about my coaching program to my coach. I told her I’d be posting about it on social media. Then I told my sweetheart. Then I posted it. Then I told a sponsee who said, “I’m having a problem with fear” and asked how I deal with it. I told him that story and he was really grateful because it helped him to realize that he was trying to massage the truth in a situation where he was fearful and that the truth is the truth. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to be afraid of people finding it out. 

I later had an outreach call with someone new to recovery, and I shared the same story with her. She was moved by my story and got some healing from our conversation. Look what happened there: I told the truth and didn’t die. In fact, I reinforced my integrity (another word for wholeness) AND I was able to contribute to the healing of the people I shared the story.

How crazy is that?? I was afraid, and that fear led me to the truth, which led to my healing and the healing of others. So again, if you’re withholding something, tell it. Tell the truth. It will lead to your wholeness. I promise you.

Join our Boundaries by Design course and learn how to communicate your needs effectively.

Discover the power of setting boundaries to create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news

by Jan Ellen Spiegel, CT Mirror September 27, 2024 

This newly rebuilt culvert in Southbury was just about complete when the August storm hit. Even though the road was not yet paved, the construction held and the bed for the road did not wash away. It was completed a few days later. Credit: Jan Ellen Spiegel

Photo Credit: Anna Shvets

Below are profiles of the different types of personalities I see in my work as a boundaries coach. I tend to work with professional women, so these are profiles of professional women. See if you can spot which one of these employees you are. Also, as you’re reading these, ask yourself, “Who would you rather work with?”

Approval-Seeking Andrea. Andrea is so focused on others and what they need that she says yes to things she really doesn’t want to do. Her yes’s are piling up, but that’s okay, she can handle it. She wants everyone to think highly of her, so she’d rather just deal with things on her own, even if it means she has to work late at night and on weekends. She usually puts other people’s work before hers because it’s important to her to be seen as a reliable and dependable team player. She’s exhausted most of the time so she drinks coffee and energy drinks all day long in an effort to refuel. She’s not really sure where she ends and others begin.

Ashamed Akasha. Akasha keeps doing things that she tells herself she’s never going to do again, like lying to people about dumb things just to make them think good things of her. She also sometimes cheats and steals little things because she doesn’t know how else to get what she wants. She’d die if anyone found out! She does all kinds of things to bend over backwards so people will do what she wants. Mostly she wants them to like her because she really doesn’t like herself.

Boundaried Bonita. Bonita is clear about what she’s willing to work on and not work on. She’s clear and kind about her limits with others and is generous with her time and energy as long as it fits into her schedule. She’s not afraid to share her opinion with others and only offers assistance to others when they ask for it. People trust her because they know she’ll tell them the truth if something is not okay with her. She leaves work on time about 90% of the time and seems to have a happy and rich life outside of work.

Chameleon Carmela. Carmela is a very agreeable person and is willing to go with the crowd. She doesn’t really have any preferences, she wants you to be happy. That’s what’s most important for her. Depending on who she’s dated, she’s been a fan of race car driving, wrestling, golf, the circus, and museums. She’d love to go to a Latin dance night but none of her lovers have ever wanted to do that so she just doesn’t go. As long as they’re happy, that’s all that matters.

Codependent Corie. Corie finds herself taking on everyone else’s problems to the point where she seems more concerned about their problems than they are! She’s definitely putting more effort into their problems than they are. She drops whatever she’s doing if someone needs her, which means she’s often late with work assignments. She’s really invested in being a “good person” and cares deeply what other people think of her. When she looks at other people’s lives, she doesn’t get why she doesn’t have what they seem to have. 

Enmeshed Emily. Emily’s family is really close. Everyone knows what everyone else is doing and makes sure to tell them when they’re out of line. They’re not great at feelings though. Whenever Emily starts to share things that are difficult for her she feels dismissed. When she wanted to try something new last summer, her entire family talked her out of it. What was she thinking? They’re right, I could never do that. The last few people she dated were nice enough, but she found herself doing most of the work in the relationship and they just weren’t as committed as she was. And they didn’t want to spend the time with her family that she likes to spend with them. She guesses that’s okay because she’s not really sure how to be close with others outside her family anyway.

Indirect Iris. Iris has a really hard time coming right out and saying exactly what she means and thinks about things. She finds it almost impossible to be honest when asked her opinion about things. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Meanwhile, she sometimes feels like her feelings are eating her up inside. She often finds herself over-explaining things. She’s non-committal when people bring up current events because she doesn’t want to make waves. She avoids conflict like the plague and often feels taken advantage of. The idea of standing up for herself is way too scary.

Over-Giving Octavia. Octavia is on four different advisory boards on top of being a mom, wife, manager, and caregiver for her elderly parents. Everyone counts on her, so what can she do? She has no choice but to say yes. She started a side hustle a few years ago, but it’s actually costing her money to run it because she keeps giving discounts to people because they need it more than she does. She’s kind of exhausted most of the time, but what is she going to do? This is the price you pay when you’re such a giving person.

Overwhelmed Ophelia. Ophelia often finds herself overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and shame. It seems like her guilt and shame are much bigger than other people’s, and they don’t seem to have those feelings as much as she does. Because of this, she says yes to everything and has way too much on her plate. Because she says yes all the time, people keep coming to her to ask for help. Sometimes they don’t even ask, they just dump things on her plate and she can’t handle confrontation so she just does it and stews with resentment. Inside, she doesn’t believe her needs are as important as others.

People-Pleasing Pamela. Pamela is overly concerned with what others think of her, so she frequently says things are okay with her when they’re really not. She’s really invested in people thinking she’s “nice,” so she goes out of her way to do things for others like bringing in home baked goods to work almost weekly. She bakes cakes for people when it’s their birthday, even if they’re not her close friends at work. She’s been taught that to be self-sacrificing is noble and being selfish is just about the worst thing ever. She’ll do just about anything to keep from “rocking the boat” and believes it’s important to “go along to get along.”

Rescuing Rita. Rita always seems to have someone “under her wing,” sometimes at work but usually at home or at church. Her heart bleeds for these people, especially because she’s been given so much. What kind of person would she be if she said no to those who are suffering? Besides, she probably knows what’s best for them better than they do. After all, she’s been able to be successful at work, has a nice home and car, and takes nice vacations. She feels bad for people who don’t have it as good as she does and feels obligated to help them out, even when it’s a strain for her.

Self-Assured Sofia. Sofia knows who she is and is grounded in herself. She’s not easily swayed by the opinions of others, though she’s willing to listen to them and people feel like she really hears them. She seems grounded in her very being and is not afraid to disagree with others on things that matter. She volunteers for two causes that really matter to her. She shares with others about how she’s learned to nurture and care for herself so she has the energy to give in a way that works for her and that she can sustain over the long haul.

Their-Fault Theresa. Theresa always seems to be surrounded by jerks. If only she could find just the right job, the right guy, the right neighborhood, and the right friends, then everything would be okay. She often talks of how badly people treat her, yet she keeps those people in her life for years on end. It seems like she’s waiting for them to change. She doesn’t seem to feel like she has any control over her life and just deals with things as they come up. She thinks, “Why bother planning? Shit always happens.” She believes that there’s someone out there for her who’s going to make everything better. In the meantime, she’d rather stick with a jerk than be alone.

In a workplace, it’s easy to fall into patterns that feel comfortable but that ultimately drain us. It’s important to recognize when we’re saying yes too often, neglecting our own needs, or relying on others to define us. Take a moment to reflect on which of these personalities resonates with you. Are you Approval-Seeking Andrea, Over-Giving Octavia, or perhaps Boundaried Bonita?

The good news is that we all have the ability to grow and change. If you identify with the types who struggle with boundaries, know that you’re not alone, and it’s never too late to create healthier ones. The goal isn’t perfection—it’s progress. So, who would you rather work with? And more importantly, who would you rather be? 

If you recognize yourself in these profiles and realize it’s time to change, check out “Boundaries by Design – A Blueprint for Your Life.” It’s an 8-week structured group course for women from Oct. – Dec. 2024.