Most of us spend a lot of time wishing others would change. We feel frustrated, powerless, and stuck when they don't. But what if the real key to change lies not in them, but in us?
The way to change other people's behavior is by changing the way we behave towards them.
Let’s be honest, what we all want is for other people to change. One of the greatest gifts of 12-step recovery is that we really, deeply internalize the message that we can’t change others. We forget all the time though, that’s what the Serenity Prayer is said at the beginning and end of many 12-step meetings – because we forget.
We need the help of a Higher Power to get the wisdom to know the difference between the things we can and cannot change because it's so hard to keep this in mind. Then, once we get that wisdom, we might need the help of a Higher Power to accept the things we cannot change. Not accepting them is where the pain comes from. It's not what other people are doing that causes us pain, it's that we believe it shouldn't be happening. That’s why acceptance is so important. To be clear, acceptance doesn't mean that we like or want what happened. It means we stop fighting against it.
Here's what acceptance can look like. I want my brother to talk more quietly and to stop talking about politics. I requested both of these things many, many times and he’s literally incapable of them. I realized that this is who he is and what he’s like. So rather than trying to get him to stop, I decided to accept “This is what he’s like, so I have to change me.” I changed my attitude to “he’s going to talk really loud about politics” and decided I’d leave when that happened. Instead of staying and fighting against what is, I accepted it and left when it became uncomfortable for me.
When it comes to things we can change, we might need the help of a Higher Power to get the courage to actually make that change because change is hard. But of course, it's possible, no matter how hard it may be.
The problem for so many of us comes when we're trying to change the things we cannot: other people, places, and things. When we focus so much on those things outside ourselves, we lose sight of changing the things we can: our behavior, thinking, feelings, beliefs, goals, and dreams.
We cannot change other people, but we can influence people.
When you change the dynamics of your interactions with others, things change between the two of you. You've changed your end of the interaction.
One of the sayings I learned in recovery is that you can't have a tug of war with someone when you don't pick up the rope, or when you let go of the rope. Another similar metaphor is that when you change the steps of the dance you’re doing with your partner, they must either change their steps or exit the dance. These both represent the idea that changing your behavior influences the behavior of the other person. That’s how it works.
I’ve seen this time and time again in my own life, in the lives of my sponsees and my clients. Here’s an example from a sponsee of mine in recovery. She got a call from her dad just to see how she was doing. This had never happened before. They both said, “I love you” at the end of the call. When she told me this, she couldn’t believe this was the relationship they have now! For most of her 45 years of life, she believed her dad was the center and cause of all of her problems.
She told me, “My dad is not in recovery, HE hasn’t changed, but I have.” She stopped blaming him for everything, took ownership of what was hers to own, and accepted that this was the guy she got as a father, not someone else. Those actions translated into a much more peaceful and loving relationship with her father after 45 years. She’s the one who changed the steps of the dance with her father.
Here are some ways you can change the steps of your dance with others.
- Start telling the truth about what you want, need, think, and feel, and about what’s okay with you and not okay with you.
- Ask for help from the people you always help. This lets them know that they have something to offer to you too. This could be advice, assistance with a task, or a ride somewhere.
- When someone says something about you that you disagree with, respond with, “That may be so” or “I see things differently” rather than getting defensive and saying, “That’s not true!”
- Let go of your expectations of others. Let them be who they are without trying to get them to change.
- Stand firm when you say no to someone. Just keep repeating, “That doesn’t work for me” or “I’m not going to make it” no matter how many times they try to cajole you into changing your mind. Expect that they’re going to do that, especially if they always have. Be ready for it and stand firm.
- Be really kind and supportive of yourself. When you get your own validation, you won’t need it so much from others. That will change the way you interact with them because you won’t be trying to extract love, affirmation, or assurance from them all the time.
What patterns or “dances” in your relationships have been causing tension? How might changing your own behavior shift those dynamics?
When I started changing the steps in my dances, I often felt like I was going to die. I’d actually tell myself, “I didn’t die” afterward to reinforce for myself that I had a new experience so it would get logged into my memory banks. I now had evidence that the feeling I was going to die was inaccurate. It got easier and easier over time. I got less and less scared about doing new things.
It can be helpful when you’re changing your ways to others who literally or metaphorically hold your hand through the process. Having social support for your new behaviors can be a game-changer!
Think of one recurring conflict or dynamic in your life. Decide on one way you’ll change your behavior this week—whether it’s setting a boundary, asking for help, or simply letting go of expectations. Email me to share your experience, and let’s celebrate your growth together!
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