How Slippers Can Save Your Sanity: Boundaries Made Simple

[Barb Nangle]

Photo Credit: Pablo Merchan Montes

There’s a Chinese proverb I heard years ago which I thought I understood when I first heard it. Recovery showed me that  I only understood it intellectually, not emotionally. Here it is:

“It’s easier to put slippers on your feet than to carpet the world.”

What this means is that rather than trying to control the entire world around you by “carpeting” it, control yourself with “slippers.” I use this proverb to teach my clients about Boundaries of Self-Protection. 

The idea is that setting boundaries is not a way to control other people. Boundaries are for you so you can live your best life and people can get the best of you. First, you can’t control other people, that’s impossible. Second, when you expend all your energy trying to control the uncontrollable (people, places, and things) you’ve got no energy left to focus on what you can control: YOU.

One way I tried control others was with my people pleasing behavior. I wanted them to think I was nice, helpful, dependable and other wonderful things like that. The result was that I exhausted myself and got resentful because I gave so much. 

Another example is that I was also trying to control traffic, at least in my mind! I had the idea that if only things went my way (i.e., no traffic while Barb is driving) then everything would be okay. As if I know better than all the civil engineers about traffic flow and highway construction. I clearly had the idea that the highway should not be packed with cars. Meanwhile, highways were designed for traffic! 

I also thought people should never pull out in front of me, despite the fact that I’ve pulled out in front of other people from time to time (accidentally, of course). Of course, there's going to be traffic and people will pull out in front of me and others from time to time. That’s what happens in traffic. But I took it personally as if they were doing it TO me.

Using the metaphor of putting slippers on our feet rather than carpeting the world suggests that the world has jagged edges. There are places where you can stub your toes or worse. Sure, you could put a nice cushy carpet over the entire world to cover those sharp edges. But that’s ridiculous! The amount of resources required would be enormous. Instead, you could put slippers on your feet. This is a metaphor for what we're trying to do when we try to control other people and the world. We’re trying to make it work for us. 

I’ve been told in recovery, “If I am disturbed, there’s something wrong with me.” That doesn’t mean nobody did anything. It means that if I want to be undisturbed, it’s up to me to figure out how to make that happen. That is, I get to put slippers on my own feet rather than carpet the world. It’s my job to worry about my feet. It’s no one else’s job. And it’s not my job to worry about everyone else’s feet. They might not like the same kind of slippers I like. In fact, they might want to go barefoot! You get to pick the kind of slipper you want and you don't have to worry about whether other people are going to like them. 

To extend the metaphor a bit, you may have been trained to “carpet the world” rather than put slippers on your feet. My family didn’t even know that slippers existed! In fact, if they discovered that slippers existed, they would probably think they had to make their own slippers. And that everybody should wear the exact same kind of slippers.

Recovery taught me that slippers exist AND I don’t have to make them! I can buy them online and have them delivered to my door! If you’ve been trying to control the entire world around you by getting people to do things your way, it’s time to put the carpet-laying tools down and putt slippers on your feet.

Examples of the “slippers” we might put on our feet.

Your slippers are things you can do to manage being in the world as it is, not how you wish it would be. 

Here’s a personal example. I used to get pissed off that people kept texting me when I didn't want them to. I’d resent them for texting me late at night or early in the morning or when I was busy. I finally realized, “I'm trying to carpet the world by getting everybody not to text me at certain times.” In this case, putting slippers on my feet meant I turned the ringer off. Instead of trying to control other people, I'm controlling myself.

I also turn off notifications for the majority of apps on my phone. I don’t need to know every time someone says something on the internet. I only want to be notified by clients and friends, not the world. 

Another example is if you know someone who brings up controversial topics all the time and it’s  not good for your  mental health. Stop trying to control them by getting them to stop talking about that stuff. Put slippers on your own feet by spending very little time with that person, and/or spend time with them rarely. You might even realize you really don’t want to see them at all.

Boundaries of Self-Protection are about the things we need to do to minimize opportunities for being triggered in the world. We can’t go the rest of our lives without ever being triggered, but we can minimize those opportunities by putting slippers on our feet. 

Here are some more examples of my own Boundaries of Self-Protection.

• I stay away from mean people. They scare me because there’s no limit to what a mean person will do. I can’t stop someone from being mean, but I can get some distance from them. That could be physical distance, but it could also be distance in time like the example above with the controversial person.
• I stay away from toxic situations. I used to be drawn to these and would try to fix them. Now I realize I don’t have to put up with toxic situations and I also don’t have to fix them.
• I stay out of other people’s business. I used to LIVE in other people’s business, doling out unsolicited advice and leaping in to rescue people. Now I stick to my business. Life is a lot easier this way – I’m just living one life (mine). 
• I don’t manage other people’s feelings anymore. I used to feel like it was my job to cheer people up or make them happy. Those are their feelings, not mine. If I can’t handle someone’s difficult feelings, I get to put slippers on my feet which might mean leaving the scene if it’s too difficult for me. 

If your life feels unmanageable and you’re walking around annoyed all the time, it might just be time to lay down the carpet tools and invest in some slippers.

For more posts like this go to: Fridayfragments.news