Breaking Free from Old Patterns: The Power of Asking for Clarity

[Barb Nangle]

It used to be that when things would happen I’d decide, “It means this.” This was especially true of negative things, but sometimes also true of good things. I’d place a meaning on something and then continue on with my life as if that meaning was the absolute and eternal truth. Recovery taught me that frequently, I was making things mean things that they don’t.

I came to see that I often don't have all the information about a situation and when I don’t, I fill in the gaps. Typically, I make some kind of assumptions. Given that I had a deeply entrenched victim mentality for the majority of my life, the meaning was about how I’d get the shit end of the stick in whatever situation was occurring. Or if it was positive, the meaning I’d place on the situation would be that I was somehow the hero because of my arrogant nature. Mind you, I don’t want to have these mentalities, but I do. They’ve decreased massively since recovery, but I still think like this occasionally. I now catch those thoughts most of the time, but I don’t think they’ll ever entirely go away.

I really only have my own personal perspective about something. I don’t know what other people’s motives are. Hell – I’m sometimes not even sure what my motives are, so how can I know what other people’s motives are??

Here’s an example of making things mean things that they don’t which you may have heard me share before. One Christmas I got a gift from my sweetheart, and he told me he didn't have time to wrap it. I was fine with that, but in the past, I would have made that mean he doesn't love me or care about me or he’d wrap my present beautifully in Christmas wrapping paper with bows and ribbons. 

What’s cool about recovery is that not only do I no longer make something as benign as an unwrapped gift mean that someone doesn’t love or care for me, but I can also see that that’s how I used to think. It helps me see “my part” in the dysfunction of my life. Prior to recovery, I wasn’t even aware that I thought like that.

Recovery showed me I had lots of distorted thinking and unrealistic expectations. I now understand that the way for me to know how people feel about me is the way they treat me over time. It’s not contained in one simple act.

My inner critic seems to want me to be miserable. One of the ways it does that is it tells me things, in my own voice, to keep others at a distance. My mind still tells me f-d up stuff about people sometimes, I just know not to listen to it anymore.

Here’s more about that unwrapped Christmas gift. It was a microphone with a built-in speaker. I can magnify my voice with the flick of a switch! What's really incredible about that is that my entire life I was told I was too loud. I came to believe that was too much. So to have somebody who loves me give me a gift that validates who I am and gives me the message that I need to be heard, and my voice needs to be magnified, THAT is an incredible gift!

If I had made it mean that the unwrapped gift meant that he didn't love me, I would have been so stuck on that that I would have had no appreciation for the value of the gift. The gift was so much more than a microphone – it was seeing that he knows me and what my wounds are.

This is a great example to illustrate having unspoken standards. Before recovery, I wanted beautifully wrapped presents. But I never told anybody that. I expected them to “know” and then if they didn't do it, I made it mean, “they don't really love me.”

Are you doing that sort of thing? Ask yourself where, when, and with who you might be doing this. that. The best way this kind of thinking can be cleared up is to directly communicate with people. That is if they say something that you’re unclear how to interpret, come right out and directly ask them what they meant. Or say something like, “I don’t know what that means” and let them respond. 

Through recovery, I've learned that I don’t have to assign a rigid meaning to everything, especially when it’s based on old patterns of thinking. Instead, I can seek clarity and communicate directly. This shift has allowed me to build healthier relationships and experience more joy and connection in my life.

If you find yourself making things mean more than they really do, I encourage you to pause and ask for clarity. You might be surprised at how much easier life becomes when you let go of assumptions and focus on understanding rather than guessing. Recovery has shown me that the meaning we assign to things is not set in stone—it’s something we can question and reshape. And that, dear friends, is a gift in itself.

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