From Comfortable to Comforting: How to Break Free from Harmful Habits

[Barb Nangle]

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Have you ever mistaken familiarity for comfort? Many of us live in patterns that feel “comfortable” simply because they’re familiar—but are they truly comforting?

Comfortable vs. Comforting: What’s the Difference?

I’ve had a lot of patterns and dysfunctional behaviors that were comfortable because they were so familiar, but they were not comforting. That is, they may have been easy to do but hard to get out of like a well-worn groove. These patterns were dysfunctional and didn’t lead to my wellbeing; they weren't comforting.

One of the comfortable but not comforting patterns I had that many people can identify with is eating sugar to coat my nerves. Something difficult would happen and I’d find myself at the freezer door looking for some comfort, even when I promised myself I wouldn’t.  Many of us were given sweets to treat our boo-boos when we were growing up. Food in general was the only form of love some of us experienced, so it makes sense that some of us  turn to food for comfort.

Using food to soothe your nerves might bring momentary comfort, but it erodes your wellbeing.. It’s momentarily comfortable because we get a hit of pleasure and it’s sooo familiar. Ultimately, it’s not comforting because it’s emotionally and physically unhealthy.

Another such pattern I had was ruminating about the past and catastrophizing about the future. I used to think and think and think about troublesome things. I’d relive conversations from the past, replaying them again and again as if they might somehow turn out differently if I replayed them enough. Or I’d have negative fantasies about conversations in the future: “I’m gonna say this, then she’s gonna say that, then I’ll say this…” None of these things actually happened, yet I was left with the emotional impact as if they had. And those pretend conversations impacted my relationships with the people in them, even though they never actually happened!

Until recovery, I didn't really realize I was doing all that, or that it wasn't helping! I thought I was a totally optimistic, positive person. And yet I had all these repetitive, negative thought patterns. As I began to notice how frequently I did this sort of thing, I saw how much it was harming me!

Ruminating and catastrophizing were activating my inner drug store of adrenaline and cortisol, keeping me in a state of arousal and out of the present moment. It also kept me from taking any kind of action. These were very comfortable patterns of behavior for me. I realize now that I engaged in both  my entire life. On some level, I must have figured that if I thought about things enough, I’d either change the past or prevent catastrophes in the future. Instead, I was reliving the trauma of the past and experiencing emotions from future catastrophes that hadn’t happened.

These patterns kept my body in tension and negative arousal. They also kept me inaction, which meant things never changed. All that thinking was getting me nowhere except stressed and paralyzed. So if you're doing something that's comfortable for you, I urge you to consider whether it’s comforting. Does it lead to your wellbeing? 

We are wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain (i.e., to seek comfort). However, it’s impossible to go through life without discomfort. This is especially true if we want to grow. There is discomfort that comes from stretching yourself to grow, which is different than the discomfort of dysfunction. It’s good to feel the discomfort that comes from growing, but not too much too soon. It’s not good, nor is it beneficial, to put up with the discomfort of dysfunction.

We’re constantly bombarded with messages that try to make us believe that we should feel happy and satisfied all the time, and that any discomfort is bad. Don’t get me wrong - permanent discomfort is bad. Those who grew up in a dysfunctional family often have a high tolerance for dysfunction. Personally, I put up with shit for years that I didn't have to. That is not okay and that’s not the kind of discomfort I’m talking about. 

Being okay with temporary discomfort that leads to growth is a whole different story. For example, if you need to have a difficult conversation with someone, that will be temporarily uncomfortable. But it will lead to your long-term wellbeing. When you’re able to go through a momentarily uncomfortable conversation, that will lead to the kind of life you want to live.

Actionable Steps for Real Comfort

There is a balance in terms of the level of comfort we have in our lives. It’s important to stretch out of your comfort zone and work on doing things that are comforting to yourself. They may be uncomfortable at first (especially if you have life-long pattern such as self- loathing, self-neglect or self-harm). The trick is to make the shift to doing things that are comforting like:

• taking care of yourself – get 7-8 hours of sleep per night, drink plenty of water, allow yourself time for run and relaxation
• talking kindly to yourself – look at yourself in the mirror and say something nice like you would to a friend, be gentle with yourself when you make a mistake
• setting boundaries for yourself – pick a situation where you’d normally say yes even though you want to say no and rehearse saying no in your mind. Get support from someone so you’ll actually follow through and say no in real life.
• putting yourself first – schedule one hour of time for yourself this week and follow though on it, no matter what others say or do
• reflecting on your growth – take some time to journal this week about one uncomfortable new thing you tried this week and what you learned from it.

With these types of actions, you’ll create a life that is comforting, not just comfortable. 

It’s time to leave behind the false comfort of old patterns and embrace the true comfort of a life built on self-care, growth, and kindness. The journey might be uncomfortable at first, but the freedom it brings is worth every step.

I urge you to ask yourself if  your habits are truly comforting, or just familiar? Take a moment today to reflect: What’s one “comfortable” pattern you’re ready to trade for true comfort?

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